Month: June 2025

welcome to the dumbest fucking twenty-four hours in the history of United States foreign policy.

before we try to make sense of the stupid shit that happened yesterday, let’s back it up a bit. remember that bombing mission that set off this whole shit-blizzard of clownfuckery? all those big bunker busters that Donny was so horny to drop on Iran? it turns out that almost none of that mission’s objectives were accomplished by the bombing.

why? because Donny is a blabbermouth.

it turns out that Donny spent so much time over the last few weeks flapping his rancid anus-mouth about how he was going to settle Iran’s hash that Iran was all ‘hey, you know what? we should probably hide our stockpile of enriched uranium.’

and guess fucking what: that’s exactly what they did.

According to the IAEA’s Grossi, Iran moved their stockpile of enriched uranium from the sites targeted by the US before the attack. This includes “400 kilograms, or roughly 880 pounds, of uranium enriched to 60 percent purity.” The material is “stored in special casks small enough to fit in the trunks of about 10 cars.”

here’s a satellite image of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.

and now the US has no idea where Iran stashed their near-weapons-grade shit.

awesome job, motormouth.

so, on to current events. settle in, because we got an entire year’s worth of batfuckery packed into about eighteen hours.

here’s the first item on the shit that went down list.

Iran launched missiles at a US military base in Qatar on Monday, in what it said was retaliation for American strikes against its nuclear sites over the weekend.

Witnesses reported hearing loud bangs in the sky above the capital, Doha, while videos showed bright flashes in the sky as air defense systems attempted to intercept missiles.

well, that seemed pretty serious — but it turns out that Iran was just doing Big Bomb Kabuki.

It became apparent soon afterwards that Iran had given warning that it was preparing to launch missiles. Three Iranian officials quoted by the New York Times said that Tehran had told Doha of its intentions, as a way to minimize casualties.

this was all Donny needed to clear off a spot on his mantel for that Nobel Peace Prize, and declare himself the Greatest Peacemaker of All Time.

but here’s the not-tweet that really cranked the crazy into high gear: Donny decreed that an immediate ceasefire was now in effect.

awesome! but also not awesome! here’s a pro tip for DONALD J. TRUMP, DUMB-ASS PRESIDENT: when brokering a ceasefire, it’s probably a good idea to get the countries who are lobbing missiles at each other involved in the process — because both Iran and Israel were all ‘huh? what the fuck are you babbling about, old man?’

the Foreign Minister of Iran confirmed this on not-twitter.

how fucking delusional is Mad King Donny that he just assumed he could bark STOP WARRING and everyone would snap to attention?dude, this isn’t like pressing that button on your desk that makes Walt Nauta come running with a Diet Coke. these are sovereign nations.

I love that Donny thinks he can just yell shit.

in fact, Israel was in the middle of raining down bombs on Tehran at the same time Donny was declaring that war was over and now everyone loves each other — and they, too, were all ‘what ceasefire?’

can I just point out how infuckingsane it is that three countries are bickering at each other on social media?

oh, and speaking of infuckingsane, check out this big bowl of holy shit.

Did I hear Former President Medvedev, from Russia, casually throwing around the “N word” (Nuclear!), and saying that he and other Countries would supply Nuclear Warheads to Iran? Did he really say that or, is it just a figment of my imagination? If he did say that, and, if confirmed, please let me know, IMMEDIATELY.

what is Donny threatening to do here? and did Donny really just appeal to the dipshit users of his janky app to help him gather intel?

doesn’t Donny have an entire Department of National Intelligence to do that for him? or has he stopped talking to Tulsi Gabbard?

this became the template for the day: Donny would mouth-fart some crazypants shit onto his hellhole app — and then five minutes later, Iran or Israel would deny whatever had been mouth-farted. it devolved into farce — and the media twisted themselves into fucking knots, trying to keep up.

you know, a lot of things in this world have never happened, and here’s something that never happened the most.

Donny, we need more info here. are Israel and Iran in the room with us right now? are they big and strong? are tears of gratitude running down their cheeks as they say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever brokered peace like you! how do you do it? sir!’

Iran turned the tables on Donny and gave him a bit of his own medicine, claiming it was he who came begging to them.

are you confused yet? it’s okay, so are the rest of us.

through all of this, was Donny conferring with his NatSec and DOD people? fuck no, he was watching TV, to see how he was being covered on Fox News.

priorities!

through all of this, Donny keep farting out batshit not-tweets.

he also took a minute off to scream at the oil industry.

and the Department of Energy.

fun true fact: the DOE has nothing to do with oil extraction. that’s the Department of the Interior’s purview. but don’t bother telling that to Donny. he’s having such a good time ranting and raving, let’s not spoil his fun.

by the way, in the middle of all of this, The New York Times decided to commit a journalism, and do a little bomb-dropping of their own.

here’s why our manbaby-in-chief decided to wade into the Iran-Israel conflict: he saw how well it was playing on Fox News and he decided he wanted a piece of the action.

The president was closely monitoring Fox News, which was airing wall-to-wall praise of Israel’s military operation and featuring guests urging Mr. Trump to get more involved.

…

Later that day, Mr. Trump asked an ally how the Israeli strikes were “playing.” He said that “everyone” was telling him he needed to get more involved.

elect a reality-show president, get a reality-show war.

finally, at 1:08 in the morning, Donny posted that THE CEASEFIRE IS IN EFFECT, AND THIS TIME I REALLY MEAN IT.

but because Donny forgot to end his not-tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, the ceasefire was not legally binding — so of course you’ll never guess what happened next.

and that is the situation we all woke up to this morning.

right now, as I’m writing this, it’s 9:22am EDT, we still don’t have an actual ceasefire — and Preznit Fuckwit is still yelling at clouds.

and — oh look! — Donny continues to hallucinate fever-dream ceasefires.

what the fuck is a ‘friendly plane wave’? I’m guessing it involves dropping more bombs, because that’s exactly what happened next.

because of course they did. nobody listens to the befuddled old man, shouting into his phone. why should they? he’s a joke — an international laughingstock.

Donny’s on a plane right now, headed to a NATO meeting. let’s all hope to fuck that he goes sleepy-bye during the flight, and gives us a few hours of peace and quiet. because holy shit. that was a day.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!