Month: June 2025

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: twice as nice

when last we checked in on pig-castration aficionado and noted philosopher Joni Ernst, the Iowa senator was being royally roasted for having told a town hall audience to basically shut the fuck up and stop complaining about people being thrown off Medicaid, because — and I’m quoting here — “we all are going to die.”

not content at having shot herself in one foot, Joni reloaded her rhetorical shotgun, took careful aim, and began blasting away at the other.

“hello everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize for a statement that I made yesterday at my town hall. see, I was in the process of answering a question that had been asked by an audience member when a woman who was extremely distraught screamed out from the back corner of the auditorium, ‘people are going to die’ — and I made an incorrect assumption, that everyone in the auditorium understood that yes, we are all going to perish from this earth. so, I apologize for this, and I’m really, really glad that I did not have to bring up the subject of the tooth fairy as well.”

ah yes, the tried-and-true “I’m so sorry … that you people are fucking morons” tack.

holy shitballs, get a load of where Joni Ernst is recording herself. she’s actually walking through a cemetery while shitting on the heads of her constituents. the arrogance is off the charts.

I would love to predict that Joni’s condescending video will be the end of her political career. I’d love to go on about how the Democrat who runs against her in 2026 will turn her own words into a devastating campaign commercial, and that Ernst will be crushed in the next election.

never forget, however, that we live in the stupidest possible timeline — and Iowa voters are gluttons for punishment.

Iowa’s the state that has re-elected Chuck Grassley to the Senate a record three hundred and sixteen times. dude’s been in office since before the Revolutionary War. so I’m not holding out any hope for Iowa’s voters to come to their senses any time soon.

tuesday: a mind is a terrible thing to not have

when they build the Stupid Hall of Fame, Marjorie Three Toes Greene will have her very own wing. imagine having one of the most important jobs in America and sleepwalking your way through it.

“Full transparency, I did not know about this section on pages 278-279 of the OBBB that strips states of the right to make laws or regulate AI for 10 years. I am adamantly OPPOSED to this and it is a violation of state rights and I would have voted NO if I had known this was in there.”

that’s a stunning confession. ‘I would have voted no if I had bothered to read what I was voting on.’

good job doing your job, Marge.

this is how we ended up with all those space lasers, by the way. Marge voted yes on the Jewish Space Lasers Act Of 2022 without even glancing at the title of it. so she has no right to complain about any weather-related incident.

the thing about this current budget bill, however, is that Congresswoman Sporkfoot is not wrong about AI. it’s an environmental disaster, it steals intellectual property, and we need to heavily regulate the shit out of how it’s implemented before it’s too late.

so fuck every Republican for making me agree with Marge Greene.

we’ve sure been getting a lot of use out of the “worst person you know” meme lately, haven’t we?

wednesday: how about taking a vacation from being horrible, Tom

leave Tom Homan alone, you monsters.

“I had over a thousand protestors at my lake house just a month ago.”

OH MY GOD, NOT THE LAKE HOUSE.

look, self-styled “border czar” Tom Homan didn’t sign up for any of this crap. all he ever wanted to do was kidnap innocent immigrant families off the streets and deport them to who the fuck cares, just get them out of my sight. and you people have the nerve to protest about it — at his lake house.

I have to confess that when I heard Homan whining about a “thousand protestors” in some small upstate NY town, my bullshit detector started clanging — because the whole deal sounded like a big bowl of yeah, right. so I decided to investigate. guess what—

fact check: true.

after ICE goons kidnapped a mother and her three kids from their house in Tom Homan’s home town, about a thousand protestors marched from the center of town down to his beloved lakefront property.

do you know what? the protest worked. the mother and her children were released.

A mother and three children who were “snatched” from their home by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents and detained for 11 days were released Monday following an outpouring of community anger — including a protest outside the house of Donald Trump’s border czar.

so boo fucking hoo, Tom. for once, justice prevailed. stop whining about it.

eat binky, creep.

thursday: wut

good lord, he’s so fucking stupid.

“I’ve uncovered the human mind, I was in a debate with the human mind.”

gee, that’s nice.

but let’s set aside President Yap Yap’s tapioca-filled head for now, and focus instead on his administration’s latest abomination.

that’s right: to get a civil service job in the Royal Kingdom of Donnyland, it’s no longer enough to merely have a cool nickname like “Big Balls.” you now have to sit down and compose a love letter to Dear Leader.

One of those “assessments,” the memo explains, is four 200-word essay questions each applicant must answer in order to prove that they would be a good fit for the Trump administration.

here’s one of the questions.

“How would you help advance the President’s Executive Orders and policy priorities in this role? Identify one or two relevant Executive Orders or policy initiatives that are significant to you, and explain how you would help implement them if hired.”

I’ve been thinking of applying for a job in the Mad King’s royal court, and I’ve been working on my essay. here’s what I’ve got so far.

“dear shit-for-brains,
what the fuck is wrong with you? this is America — and in America, government employees are loyal to the Constitution, not to some syphilitic megalomaniac.”

friday: dessicated corpse speaks!

now let’s check in on the world’s oldest living human fossil.

Chuck Grassley: “my hunch at the moment is they’re gonna come up with a lot of things President Biden did not sign, maybe thousands of things signed by autopen.”

Fox: “It’s not illegal to use an autopen, is it?”

Grassley: “I can’t answer that question for you. maybe I should be able to, but I can’t.”

here’s a fun fact: at one hundred and sixty four years of age, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley is twice as old as Joe Biden. he’s been in government long enough to know that there is nothing illegal about a president using an autopen to sign documents.

for fuck’s sake, Mad King Donny uses an autopen. do you think he actually sat there and personally signed over one thousand pardons for Jan 6 insurrectionists? his tiny little fist would have fallen off.

there are two possible explanations for Chucker’s insistence that he “can’t answer that question” — and both of them suck. one is that Grassley genuinely hasn’t a clue how his own government functions, in which case he’s a disgrace and needs to resign yesterday.

the other (more likely) explanation is that Grassley has to pretend to be an idiot in order not to anger Dear Leader by giving the honest answer, in which case he’s a disgrace and needs to resign yesterday.

welcome to America 2025, where one entire political party tiptoes around their Mad King, pretending it’s perfectly normal for a country’s chief executive to accuse his predecessor of being a crime-committing robot — while the rest of us are left to gape incredulously at how fucking idiotic it all is.

stupidest. possible. timeline. ever.