Month: July 2025

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Can You Say Desperation?

Little Donny Fuckface is rattled right now. he wants nothing more than for everyone to stop asking so many questions about his dead pedo bestie. for the first time in his soft, privileged life, the press has sunk its teeth into a scandal they can’t be distracted from — and the Mad King hasn’t a clue how to handle it.

Donny’s playing all the old hits, throwing everything at the wall and hoping that something — anything! — will stick.

Obama did a treason! Biden did an autopen! sports isn’t racist enough! Murdoch sucks! Colbert sucks! I’m suing everybody! SQUIRREL!!!

it’s not working. nothing is working — and Donny’s getting slaughtered in the polls.

just how rattled is Team Donny right now? this rattled: they’ve raised the threat level to DEFCON Hillary.

it’s right there on page one of the Republican Diversion Handbook: when all else fails, investigate the Email Lady.

Bondi announced Monday that the Department of Justice has released documents tied to the FBI’s investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server during her tenure as Secretary of State. The move comes in response to a long-standing request from Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley, who has pushed for greater transparency surrounding the probe.

oh, thank the day. Chuck Grassley — who, at six hundred and seventy-nine years of age, is America’s oldest living elected official — is finally going to get to the bottom of this whole Hillary emails thing.

Chuck’s premise is that the FBI didn’t try hard enough to gin up proof that Hillary broke laws by running her own email server. Grassley believes that when the initial FBI investigation came up with bupkis, they should have opened a second. and if that one didn’t prove criminal culpability, they should have opened a third.

in other words, the FBI should have Benghazi’d the shit out of that email server.

Benghazi — now there was an investigation. do you think Republicans were daunted when they couldn’t find any proof that Hillary was responsible for the deaths of four diplomats in Libya? fuck no. they immediately cranked a second investigation in high gear. and then a third. a fourth. a fifth.

do you know how many total investigations there were into Benghazi? eight. that includes the one where they hauled Hillary before live cameras and made her testify for eleven consecutive hours — which she did with grace and humor.

so you can well understand why Chuck Grassley can’t believe that everyone just gave the fuck up after one email investigation. who does that, investigate Hillary only once? it makes no sense.

and, of course, Pam Bondi couldn’t wait to agree to Grassley’s request to declassify everything the FBI had on Hillary. anything — anything — to get MAGA’s mind off of the Epstein Files.

naturally, the wingnut outrage-industrial complex is only too happy to play along.

but as long they’re delving into Hillary’s imaginary crimes again, maybe they could check out that time when she accidentally butt-dialed a journalist and texted him classified war plans.

oh wait, that wasn’t Hillary who did that. it was the Fox News dunk-tank clown who screwed that up.

someone remind me, how many hearings were held after Pete Kegstand’s actual breach of national security? I seem to recall it was zero.

and please, someone remind me how many hours Congress spent grilling Piss-Drunk Pete on live television? spoiler alert: again, it was zero.

how many hours did Donny Convict spend testifying before the January 6th Committee? again, I seem to recall it was zero. in fact, when Donny was subpoenaed to testify, he blew it off and didn’t show up.

but sure, let’s just hassle the Email Lady every day for the rest of her life. there’s got to be something on her. there’s just got to be.

look: the only thing that anyone needs to know about Hillary’s emails is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein files.

hey, as long as Pam Bondi is so horny to declassify FBI files and hand them out like party favors, I have a couple of requests — because there are some other unsolved scandals that really need to be looked into.

topmost: it’s time to reopen the investigation into TanSuitGate.

could we please get all the files about Obama’s tan suit?

sure, everyone knows that Obama wore a tan suit, but we never found out why.

look at poor old Comer Fudd. he still can’t figure out how old Joe Biden is.

I’m sure the FBI has files somewhere with Joe Biden’s birthdate on them. could someone do Comer a solid and pass them his way?

hey Donny — you want this to all go away? I have an easy solution for you: just release the files, and let everyone see for themselves how you did nothing wrong.

I mean, you’re innocent right? and innocent people don’t generally suppress the very files that prove how innocent they are, am I right?

am I right?

here’s another thing Pam Bondi did yesterday: she declassified a bunch of FBI files on the 1968 assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.

look at us, releasin’ files. we’re so fucking transparent. who can accuse us of covering up anything? that was the intended message behind this bit of Kabuki.

you know who wasn’t impressed? Bernice King, MLK’s daughter.

in a world of Mad Kings, be a Bernice King.

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Fuck You, Paramount

The reason I gave? “Because you bent over and spread your cheeks for Felon 45.”

Yeah, I’ll miss out on the new seasons of Star Trek, but I’ll live. This bullshit has gone on long enough.

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The Week In Stupid With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: taking the matter into her own hands

five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley knows exactly who we need to get to the bottom of this little Epstein Files dust-up.

“I want answers, and, um, maybe that takes a Special Counsel to do so. maybe Matt Gaetz can be the Special Counsel.”

oh really? the maddeningly-unindicted trafficker and former congressman Plankhead McSexpest? the guy who would regularly venmo cash to teenage girls, because reasons? the guy who flew girls to New York for the purpose of getting it on with them? the guy who would show off nude photos of his conquests to other congressmen? the guy who resigned because the House Ethics Committee was about to publish a report that exposed all this damning shit to the public?


that’s the recommendation of the vacuous airhead who gave her hookup a vigorous beetlejuicing in a theater? Matt Gaetz? that’s who should investigate the Epstein cover-up?

well, the answer is clearly yes, because of that clever legal doctrine known as it takes one to know one.

tuesday: if I had a hammer

hey, remember that bit in the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus is all blessed are the kiddy-fiddlers? numb-nuts pastor Shane Vaughn apparently does.

“the only thing that’s coming today is the crucifixion of Donald Trump. oh no, not by the Romans. uh-uh. Yeshua, Jesus Christ, was not killed by the Romans. oh yes, they drove the nails — but it was the Jews that delivered him to them. and one can’t help but wonder, if history is not repeating itself, and we are not delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies.”

what the small-batch artisanal fuck? I’m sorry, who is ‘delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies’? — which, by the way, subject, objects and verbs in sentences, how do they work?

I just want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with any crucifixions. I was on space laser duty that day.


wednesday: what’s in a name

it must be exhausting to be a Fox News on-air bobblehead. you’re expected to be forever coming up with new ways to be an asshole. let’s watch as Jesse Watters knocks it out of the fucking park.

“so this guy has to lower rates immediately. and this guy, I mean, Jerome. funny name for a white guy.”

there we go. this is why we all worship at the Church of Jesse the Found Object. right in the middle of a government-ordained Two Minutes Hateagainst Fed chair Jerome Powell, Watters brilliantly improvises up a little drive-by racism. because, apparently, what self-respecting white parents would name their darling little bundle of joy Jerome?

seriously, what’s the deal with being named Jerome? maybe we should ask this guy.

here’s a dude named Jerome Lester Horwitz, though that’s probably not the moniker you know him by.

and then of course there’s this homey.


oh wait. Jerome John Garcia is half Mexican. maybe Jesse’s half right.

thursday: get a load of this fucking idiot

god-bothering uber-zealot Pastor Joel Webbon is the President and Founder of Right Response Ministries and the Senior Pastor of Covenant Bible Church. he’s also misogynist as fuck, as you’re about to find out.

“when you say, ‘well, I disagree with Pam Bondi, because I think she’s hiding the Epstein Files,’ and I’d be like, ‘yeah, but also I don’t like Pam Bondi because she’s a woman, and she shouldn’t be in public.’ not in politics. you and I are not the same. you don’t like her for this reason, I don’t like— it’s like ‘I don’t like Pam Bondi because of her positions’ and I don’t like Pam Bondi because she needs to be at home.”

how totally awesome. this guy thinks Pam Bondi fucking sucks — but not because she’s carrying water for Jeffrey Epstein’s adjudicated-rapist bestie Donny. not because she did fuck-all to prosecute Epstein when she was Florida’s Attorney General.

and certainly not because — as we all learned yesterday — that she had ONE THOUSAND FBI AGENTS working 24-hour shifts, combing though ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND Epstein documents and flagging any mentions of Dear Leader, and only after that did she decide that she couldn’t release the Epstein Files, because you-know-who was all over them.

no — this woman-loathing shitwad hates Pam Bondi because she’s not in the kitchen right now, making him a sandwich.

fuck you, Pastor Joel, for making Pam Bondi the good guy in this story.

friday: I DO DECLARE!

White House spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain is exactly the person we need right now.

I DECLARE EVERY DEMONIC BATTLE AGAINST YOUR MIND, FAMILY AND FINANCES IS CANCELLED IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!”

this is great. thank you, Paula. demons have been fucking our nation’s shit for way too long. at last, here is one woman who is unafraid to stand up and CANCEL EVERY DEMON, THE ALL-AMERICAN ALL-CAPS WAY, via a tweet on Elon’s Nazi Bar. that’ll show them demons who’s boss.

except for the part where Paula forgot to close her tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, which means it’s not legally binding, and that demons can just keep right on fucking our shit.

how do you not know this, Paula?

Paula, every demon is going like this right now.


thanks for nothing, Paula.

can not one person in this entire administration do one thing right?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.