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here’s an awesome true story from American history.

on December 1, 1863, Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, granting freedom to all enslaved black people in the Confederate states.

now, I hear you asking, hey Uncle Jeff, did the citizens of Texas go ‘I guesswe should tell the people we’ve been enslaving that they’re now free’? hell no, they did not. this is Texas we’re talking about. they were all ‘fuck that guy. Lincoln can eat an entire bag of dicks if he thinks we’re giving up that sweet, sweet free labor.’

fast forward to two-and-a-half years later — June 19th, 1865 — when Union Major General Gordon Granger rode into Galveston, Texas, pulled out his gun, and declared ‘this shit ends now.’

and so the white folks of Texas were finally forced to be all ‘oh hey, black people, you’ll never guess what happened.’

in 2021, Juneteenth became a federal holiday. Republicans hate Juneteenth, because it was signed into law by Joe Biden — and everything Sleepy Brandon does is automatically bad. so it was only natural that yesterday, racists in America continued their multi-hundred-year unbroken streak of being shitty to black people.

let’s start right at the top, with the Bigot-in-Chief — because let’s face it: everyone was just waiting for him to do a racism.

it was like that Simpsons meme come to life, if you replace ‘stupid’ with ‘racist’

even the White House press corps were all c’mon, Karoline, throw us a bone. we know he’s gonna do it. just tell us when.

reporter: “it’s Juneteenth. does the president plan to commemorate the holiday at all or make any comment?”
Leavitt: “I’m not tracking his signature on a proclamation today. I know this is a federal holiday, I want to thank all of you for showing up to work. we are certainly here. we are working 24/7 right now.”
second reporter: “will he mark Juneteenth in any way, today, or with an event later on?”
Leavitt: “I just answered that question for you.”

take note of how Ms. Lie-vitt phrased her evasive non-answer. ‘I want to thank all of you for showing up to work (unlike all those lazy black people who stayed home).’

that’s gonna be a recurring theme, because when Donny — after somehow managing to remain quiet for most of the day — finally farted out a post, he picked up Karoline’s ball and ran with it.

“Too many non-working holidays in America. It is costing our Country $BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to keep all of these businesses closed. The workers don’t want it either! Soon we’ll end up having a holiday for every once working day of the year. It must change if we are going to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

awesome. this guy — President Golfcart McChucklefuck — thinks we have too many holidays.

hey, let’s check President Golfcart’s official schedule for today.

oh look, Mister Too Many Holidays is ditching work again so he can fuck off at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery.

I guess it’s just a coincidence that Donny chose Juneteenth as the day to whine about why do we have so many days off.

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here’s how Vice President Couchfuck McGee commemorated the occasion: by being both racist and deeply offensive.

(actually, this interview is from earlier this week, but hey, close enough.)

podcaster Theo Von: “I’ll tell you this. I heard that Frederick Douglass was gay.”

JD Vance: [bursts out laughing]

Von: “I’ve heard it from four people.”

JD Vance: “[continues to laugh] where do you go to find the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay? you must hang out in more interesting places than I do.”

Von: “that’s why he wanted to free all those men, ’cause he was having trouble meeting anybody.”

Vance: “[laughs] we’re going to talk to the Smithsonian about putting up an exhibit on that, and Theo Von, you can be the narrator for this new [laughs] understanding of the history of Frederick Douglass.”

Von: “but when you think about it, though — he seemed awfully interested in gettin’ them fellas off work early.”

just a couple of vile fuckwads, sittin’ around and talkin’.

no biggie, am I right? it’s just the Vice President of the United States, lauging it up as some podcast yutz describes the emancipation of the enslaved as ‘getting off work early’ so that Frederick Douglass can meet someone. JD Vance laughs it up, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard, and suggests the Smithsonian should have an exhibit about it. what the actual fuck?

look how comfortable Couchfuck is, talking to this bigoted bozo. this is clearly his kind of guy.

this is a jerk who, if you put him in a donut shop, can’t fake a human response to save his life. he’s all HELLO, FELLOW PERSON. HA HA. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SELLING DONUTS? HA HA. THAT’S GREAT.

but stick him in a room with a racist, and suddenly he’s Mister Personality.

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now let’s check in with the Fox News dunk-tank clown. oh look, Piss Drunk Pete’s official response to Juneteenth is to stick his fingers in his ears and go LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU. he’s just going to pretend it isn’t happening.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s office requested “a passive approach to Juneteenth messaging” for the holiday on Thursday commemorating the end of slavery, according to an email obtained by Rolling Stone. The news was relayed by the Pentagon’s Office of the Chief of Public Affairs, which said it wasn’t planning to publish Juneteenth-related content online.

do you think ‘pretend it’s not happening’ is what SecDef Kegstand said to all the woman he ahem allegedly assaulted?

now let’s watch as the Libertarian Party lengthens their 54-year-long unbroken streak of complete irrelevance.

“Juneteenth is egalitarianism and communism. We will interpret anyone who positively celebrates Juneteenth holiday as admitting to being a communist (egalitarian).”

do words even have meanings any more?

I googled egalitarianism just to make sure I had the definition right.

“the doctrine that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.”

wait — isn’t ‘all people are equal’ one of the founding principles of the United States? so how the fuck is that communism?

let’s not even bother trying to figure that one out. let’s just move on to misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. he’s been whining about why do those people get a holiday for years.

“You should be working today. Not taking today off for a CRT-inspired federal holiday that competes with July 4th.”

this is a common moan about Juneteenth from the worst fucking people on the planet — that it somehow ‘competes’ with July 4.

how?

is there seriously anyone biting into a burger or watching fireworks on July 4, and going oh come on, we just did this two weeks ago. what’s even the point?

if there is, I want to meet this person so I can smack them on their dumb-ass what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you face.

this year, Gnomey Chuck’s outdone himself. not content to just bellyache about when do white people get a day, he’s decided to compose some incomprehensible screed-length gobbledygook that supposedly proves that Junteenth somehow ‘displaces’ July 4th. or something like that. who on earth has the time — or desire — to parse this twaddle?

Christ on a crispy cornflake, that’s a lot of words just to say ‘I’m a racist.’

here’s how a real president commemorates Juneteenth.

Joe Biden gave a speech last night at the African Methodist Episcopal Church in Galveston, Texas.

oe doesn’t have his own vulgar flying bordello to jet around in, so he flew commercial, and posed for selfies with his fellow passengers.

don’t you miss having a human being for president?

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here are your heroes of the day: CNN’s Kaitlin Collins and — holy shit! — The New York Times.

after it was announced that Donny would decide ‘in two weeks’ whether or not to attack Iran, Collins mocked the shit out of that ludicrous claim by putting together a two-and-a-half minute long supercut of all the times Donny’s used ‘two weeks’ as a dodge to cover up the fact that he never has any plan at all.

the ‘two weeks’ claim is so worn-out and laughable by now that even The New York Times couldn’t avoid committing a journalism.

Two weeks for Mr. Trump can mean something, or nothing at all. It is both a yes and a no. It is delaying while at the same time scheduling. It is not an objective unit of time, it is a subjective unit of time. It is completely divorced from any sense of chronology. It simply means later. But later can also mean never. Sometimes.

Donny is in way over his head, has no fucking clue what he’s doing, and has been using ‘two weeks’ for literal years as a handy way to change the subjuct to anything else. it’s nice to see that the press might finally be growing weary of being treated like annoying children who ask too many questions.

more like this, please, journalists.