Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich:
Tuberville aces it, Nancy maces it, and so much more…
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: Tommy can you hear me?
failed coach Tommy Tuberville is a cautionary tale for why you should never play football without a helmet. let's listen in as Terminally-Concussed Tommy speaks out in support of embattled Secretary of Defense Little Petey Drunkdial.
"Let's be clear, Pete is not the problem. A lot of the media think Pete Hegseth's a problem. he's not the problem. he's the solution to the problem we've had."
sorry, what problem is Secretary of Defense Kegstand solving?
were there not enough piss-drunk embarrassments in the Pentagon?
was there some deficit of washed-out Fox News chat show hosts among the ranks of the military? too few reporters being texted war plans? not enough civilian spouses sitting in on classified meetings?
I'll give Plastered Pete credit, he absolutely fucking nails all those problems.
tuesday: all hail the glorious accomplishments of … um
this week marked the hundredth day of Mad King Donny's second reign, and Fox News was in a quandary: how do we put a positive spin on this dog's breakfast of complete fucking calamity?
they couldn't go with "Dear Leader shit on the Constitution and disappeared legal immigrants into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag and also 'deported' a child with cancer who happens to be a US citizen, and oh hey, next week all the shelves in your supermarket are going to be empty because of the trade war" — because that shitfuckery is wildly unpopular, even with the Fox News crowd.
so what did Fox end up running with? this:
— declassified the JFK files
— ended federal support for paper straws
— ended production of the penny
oh man, that is … pathetic.
Fox left out renamed the 'Gulf of Mexico' to 'Gulf of America' — but maybe even that's too embarrassing to list.
better luck next reign, bro. meanwhile, here's Homer Simpson to play us out with some very sad trombone.
whomp-whomp.
wednesday: ai yi yi
oh look, the christofascist computer jockeys have been churning out more AI slop portraying their vision of the perfect American future. check out this nightmare fuel.
this abomination ticks all the boxes.
— a message up top instructing men to be productive, and women to be subservient.
— a white, impossibly blond couple sporting 1950s hairstyles and clothing.
— the missus is cradling her pregnant belly
— in the background is mid-20th-century suburban house.
— and there's a smiling black man who is super fucking pumped to be doing menial tasks for whitey.
wait, what the fuck? what was that last one?
it's the same old racist nonsense we've been hearing for decades. 'black folks were a lot happier when they knew their place. they just love being subservient to their betters.'
let's recall what that Duck Dynasty schmuck said back in 2013:
"They're singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, 'I tell you what: these doggone white people'—pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."
that's some Gone-With-the-Wind-level revisionist bullshit — only now it's been updated for the 21st century, thanks to malignant assholes with access to AI.
seriously — they're not even hiding it. check out this lunacy.
utter nonsense.
besides — everyone knows that the best-manicured lawns are mowed by a small boy being yelled at by a confused old man.
thursday: her pronouns are 'stupid' and 'fucking idiot'
oh look, the Scarlet Moron has been flapping her ignorant gums for airtime again.
Nancy Mace: "it's happening everywhere. first, it was the University of South Carolina with thirteen genders on a dorm application, and then I come to find out a few weeks later I was wrong. Clemson had fifteen genders — and none of the fifteen genders on their form had male or female. they had something like cisgender male, cisgender female — and I don't even know what that means. that's not science."
"that's not science." what the fuck does this caterwauling ninny know about science? here's a fun fact: even Google's janky AI is smarter than Nancy Mace. here's what it says about gender identity.
"There is no single definitive list of 15 genders. The concept of gender is fluid and diverse, encompassing a wide spectrum of identities. While some organizations and individuals may list specific genders, it's important to recognize that people may identify with multiple genders or gender identities that don't fit neatly into pre-defined categories."
how about that? a fucking computer program has more empathy than the entirety of the Republican Party.
I did a find a set of fifteen gender identities by once again using the Big Google Machine:
Agender, Androgyne, Bigender, Cisgender, Genderfluid, Gender-nonconforming, Genderqueer, Intergender, Intersex, Omnigender, Non-binary, Questioning, Transgender, Transsexual, Two-spirit
so, is Clemson using this exact list on its dorm application, or is Nancy Mace just cynically creating a manufactroversy? I don't know, and who fucking cares if Clemson does? it's nobody's business.
what I do know is that Nancy Mace is a broken-inside fuckwit with an unceasing need for attention that can only be described as pathological.
"I strongly support LGBTQ rights and equality. No one should be discriminated against."
"I have friends and family that identify as LGBTQ. Understanding how they feel and how they've been treated is important. Having been around gay, lesbian, and transgender people has informed my opinion over my lifetime."
that was Nancy Fucking Mace, back in 2021 — right after she'd been elected to the House by running on a platform of inclusivity.
friday: from the mouths of babes
hey, Texas State Rep. Nate Schatzline — why did you run for office?
"what got me involved was I was out on a prayer run one day. I was praying for my students, for our church, and about that time, I heard the sound of a baby crying. I took out my headphones, I look around — I was in the desert, we lived in California at the time, and now we're back in God's country, in Texas — I looked around and I couldn't find anything. so I kept jogging. about a mile later I heard the same baby crying — and all of a sudden the holy spirit spoke to my heart, and said 'that's the sound of the unborn that are going to die if you don't run for office and protect the unborn.'"
seriously, bro? that's what we're going with?
listen — I hear a baby crying, too. it's the Baby Jesus. I'm on the phone with the Baby Jesus right now, and he's telling me you're full of shit, and your fever-swamp fairy tale never happened.
oh, and you know what else the Baby Jesus is saying? that you need to stop being a reckless shitweasel and get your children vaccinated already.
that's right, Nate lives right in the heart of Measles Alley, and he hasn't vaccinated any of his spawn — because fuck you, science.
The next day, Texas State Rep. Nate Schatzline posted his own video, adding that his children attend Mercy Culture.
"I've gotten word that my children's school has been ranked the #1 most unvaccinated school in Texas & I'm upset…that we haven't celebrated sooner!" Schatzline wrote in the accompanying text.
maybe stop hallucinating about the 'unborn' and start doing something for the actually born.