as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: tik me no toks
apparently, Donny Convict’s handlers got the bright idea to start up a tiktok account for Dear Leader — because these days, all the cool fascists musthave one.
here’s Donny’s first post. there’s no actual need to watch it. it’s twenty-seven seconds of who the fuck even cares.
instead, let’s take a look at what happened next: people started commenting.
and they commented some more.
they kept right on commenting — and all anyone wanted to talk about was Donny’s close, personal relationship with his dead pedo bestie.
as of right now, there are over 49,000 comments under that video. I’m guessing that about 48,945 of them are about you-know-what.
hey Donny, how’s your cover-up going? not well, I’d say.
uesday: I see dead voters
New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew has a wee bit of an ectoplasm problem.
“people who were passed away, these are real people. I spoke to large numbers of them.”
dude, I’m contractually obligated to ask: are these ‘large numbers of people whom you’ve spoken to who have passed away’ in the room with is right now? I’m guessing they are, and you’re the only one who can see them.
now, normally I’d be advising Rep. Van Drew to be dialing 1-800-GHOSTBUSTERS.
but I’m hearing that Kristi Noem’s conscripted them into ICE to help deport undocumented demons back to Carpathia.
wednesday: verily, I whine unto you
MAGA preacher Hank Kunneman has a bone to pick with his evidently unfaithful flock. he seems to have mortgaged himself up to his eyeballs on the expectation he’d be able to fleece his way out of it — and it ain’t happening.
“I’m not saying this to be mad. I’m saying this because I feel like I’m going to go to my advocate Jesus. I have $400,000 to pay — and the only reason I took a line of credit is that I could have this, and we wouldn’t have to wait, potentially— can you imagine still being in there, and this sanctuary done, and we don’t have the money to pay for the AV, so now we’ve got to sit there for a year, because that’s how long it would have taken. and I said, well, can I get a line of credit? I didn’t know what else to do. ‘shouldn’t have borrowed’? oh, well tell that to the prophet who said to the widow, go get some vessels, go get some vases, and borrow not a few.”
come on, widows, do a bro a solid. why the fuck aren’t you out there, rounding up those vessels, right now?
seriously, what’s the point of even being an evangelist if you can’t depend on the rubes to finance your obscenely opulent lifestyle?
oh, and that thing about the widows and the vessels? that’s from 2 Kings 4, where the Big Guy in the Sky commits a miracle in order to help a widow deal with her own debts. it’s not about underwriting the greed of some numb-nuts preacher who’s shit at grifting.
pray harder, bro.
thursday: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.
Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.
we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.
also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.
slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.
friday: a day in the life
on Friday, some fucking idiot meandered into the Oval Office. befuddled and disheveled, the fucking idiot wore a stupid hat and an even stupider expression.
he fucking idiot’s right hand was, as usual, all fucked to shit from god-knows-what procedure — because as usual, the fucking idiot’s health is a huge State Secret.
the fucking idiot proudly showed off a photo of the despot bestie whose warm embrace he so desperately pines for.
“I’m going to sign this for him. I was sent one. I thought you’d all like to see it. it’s a man named Vladimir Putin, who I believe will be coming, depending on what happens. he may be coming and he may not. depending on what happens. we have a lot of things happening over the next couple of weeks. but I thought it was a nice picture. of him. okay of me, but nice of him. so that was very nice that it was sent.”
the fucking idiot blithered about gold.
“you see the way this is looking? look. I can’t tell you how much that gold costs, a lotta money. there’s nothing like gold and there’s nothing like solid gold, but this, this beautiful office needed it.”
the fucking idiot then hallucinated about ‘beautiful African-American ladies’ who are begging him to come to Chicago and do a fascism.
“Chicago is a mess. and we’ll straighten that one out probably next … African Americans ladies, beautiful ladies, are saying ‘please President Trump, come to Chicago.’”
the fucking idiot then wandered over to the Kennedy Center, where he gibbered incoherently about ‘the cubes with the doors.’
“they built these rooms nobody’s gonna use. rooms underground. and I’ve often wondered what are the big cubes they have outside that block the view. the cubes with the door in them so that people can get down to rooms that nobody is going to use. and it’s a shame. it’s a shame.”
and then the fucking idiot blithered about ‘these cubes’ a second time.
“I can’t use bad language, but it’s been so badly run. and they built these cubes outside, these cubes. and there’s stairways that go down to little rooms that nobody uses. it’s so crazy what they did. they spend hundreds of millions of dollars. it’s like throwing money out the window. they built cubes. all it does is block off the view. you know, they go down to little stages, but nobody uses them. and we’re taking care of our big, beautiful stages that people really want.”
and the fucking idiot didn’t get 25th Amendmented on the spot. how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.