On a Path of Self-Destruction

As I write this, Ben's mom is in the process of finally moving out of our apartment. This day has been a long time coming, and not unsurprisingly it is not the happy, positive event that we envisioned over a year ago.

Yesterday, when Ben picked her up from the psych facility, one of her first comments was that she wasn't going to go to the intensive outpatient therapy that her doctor had prescribed; therapy that her caseworker pushed for in  lieu of the actual rehab facility in Florida that we'd found for her and which she had initially agreed to go to just a few days earlier.

So in other words, nothing has changed. "Doctors don't know anything." Just like when we moved her up from Phoenix over a year ago with promises that once here she would be making positive changes in her life and seeking therapy, she's simply moving her addiction from one location to another. At least it will no longer be in our home.

She's been off the worst of her meds—the lorazepam—for over a week now and has no more readily available to her, but there is little doubt in my mind that first thing Monday morning she'll run back to her dealer doctor to get loaded back up and the cycle will begin anew. The difference is that when she attempts to kill herself again—and Ben and I are in agreement that unless her behavior changes and she actually admits that it's not just the physical pain that's causing her to pop the pills but also the myriad of emotional demons haunting her and seeks appropriate therapy—there will be an again. The difference is this time there will be no one there to call 911.

I don't want to see that happen, but honestly, we've done everything in our power to get her well, and each attempt has been rebuffed. Because there's nothing wrong. Having played this addiction game with several other people over the course of my life, I know that until she admits there's a problem, her path of self-destruction will continue unabated until she finally admits it or succeeds in ending her life.