Let's be honest, it doesn't take any talent to insult someone.
After all, by the time children learn to speak in complete sentences, they're hurling sophisticated comebacks like:
"You're a doo-doo head!"
But a truly clever verbal takedown is a thing of beauty.
Reddit user BrucePennyworth asked:
"What is the most brutal insult you've ever heard in your life?"
Family Tree
"Your family tree is a wreath." ~ xRocketman52x
Knowledge
"Knowledge seeks you, but you're faster." ~ coffeebreakhero
Teaching The Children
"Before I had braces, my fifth grade teacher told me I looked like I could eat corn off the cob through a chain link fence." ~ KaptOKrunch
Wife
"If you could understand why your wife was right to leave you, then she wouldn't have left you." ~ Grimdotdotdot
Learning Curve
"Your learning curve is a circle." ~ Pandarenu
Love
"Everyone who ever loved you was wrong." ~ Deadsuooo
Friends
"One day you will realise that your friends were right to leave you behind. ~ Nullagainagain
Deutschland
"In Germany we ask politely, 'Did the Swings in your childhood stand too close to the wall?'" ~ DollimusMaximus
Bachelors
First time I heard "Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others," I told my mom about it and she thought it was obnoxious.
A few weeks later we went to a restaurant with my dad. It was raining so he dropped us off at the front, parked in a lot three blocks down, and raced back in the pouring rain.
My dad makes good money, but most of it goes towards the family, obviously. His single brother has the same job and had just bought his third sports car before heading off for a 2 week singles cruise.
As we watched my dad run towards us, my mom turned to me and said,- "Oscar Wilde may not have had it entirely wrong." ~ midnightsunofabitch
Placenta
"Usually they throw out the placenta and keep the baby, but I see in your case they did the opposite."—a Jamaican sheetrocker I used to work with. ~ PantsOfALion
Envy
"'I envy people who don't know you'." ~ blackmesawest
Baby
During a teenage fight with my brother, I repeated what I thought was an iconic line:
"'Did you roll off the changing table as a baby??'"
Before he could answer, our mom replied, guilt ridden, from the other room:
"THAT ONLY HAPPENED TWICE!" ~ gloriomono
Heckler
"I'm so happy you're here. Give the people at home a break." —Dylan Moran to a heckler at a comedy show I was at. ~ CommanderKobe
Go
Good old Oscar Wilde provided many harsh, yet eloquent ways of being rude.
"Some people bring joy wherever they go. Some whenever they go." ~ Validarian
Astronomy
Our agency division was in a dispute with another department because one of the people in that office didn't want to certify a payment to a vendor because they 'didn't like' the terms of the vendor's contract with our agency (finance & accounting for the Air Force, Defense Department).
My supervisor and I were trying to explain to their supervisor it was a legally binding contract that didn't violate any agency or federal rules or regulations, so 'liking' the contract terms was immaterial. We needed to pay this vendor on time or we'd pay $$ penalties.
Government contracts with private sector vendors are subject to interest penalties if they're even a day late. This was a multimillion dollar payment.
Finally, exasperated, I told the room as a whole:
"I'm not an expert in astronomy, but I know for a fact the universe doesn't revolve around anyone in this room, so check your ego and certify the damn payment!"
After a moment of silence, their supervisor and mine started laughing. Their supervisor certified the payment and we avoided several hundreds of thousands of dollars in interest penalties for late payment." ~ LakotaGrl
There are some gems in here that I may have to use!
Do you have any to add to the list? Let me know in the comments.
Great resource. However, think first to decide which ones should be internal commentary, not actually said out loud, just in case you have to deal with that obstreperous person on another day.