Georgia Rep. Buddy Carter just earned himself a spot in the Performative Dumbfuck Hall of Fame. here's DC news anchor John Rogers to explain why.

"Congressman Buddy Carter of Georgia just introduced a bill authorizing Trump to acquire Greenland and rename it Red, White and Blueland."

get it? get it? they're all colors! Rep. Carter just did a clever … in his pants.

Republicans are really flexing their dipshit muscles these days, now that they've bullied both Google Maps and Apple Maps into renaming that big watery thing to our south to 'the Gulf of America.' it's so fucking childish.

these arrogant nitwits are so high on their own supply that they have no clue that the rest of the world is laughing their asses off at us — when they're not cringing in horror.

you know what? let's just rip up all the maps and start over.

Trinidad and Tobago? that's a stupid name. fuck that — it's now Melanialand. Canada is now America's Hat. Iceland is now Trump Iceland.™ that's a no-brainer — Donny's got to sell that skeevy water to someone.

and the space between Rep. Carter's ears? I'm introducing a bill this week to rename it to the Gulf of Idiot.

tuesday: irony isn't the only thing that's dead

daddy, where do Republicans come from?

well, son, they take big vats of stupid and drop zygotes into them. the ones that don't survive, they send off to Congress.

this week, Anna Paulina Luna, Congresswoman from America's Dangly Bit (as long as we're renaming things), announced that she would be investigating the death of John F. Kennedy — and she plans on having quite the panel of expert witnesses.

"based on what we're actually looking to do with the JFK investigation, I'm looking to actually bring in some of the attending physicians, at the initial assassination, and also the people that had been on the various commissions — like the Warren Commission."

who wants to tell her?

Anna — all those people are dead. everyone on the Warren Commission died decades ago. Gerald Ford was the last surviving member. he died in 2008.

what are you going to do, hold a fucking seance?

as long as you've apparently got a hotline to the Great Beyond, why not go straight to the source? get out your ouija board and summon up Lee Harvey Oswald — that dude knows more about what happened at Dealey Plaza than anyone.

in fact, I beat you to it, Anna. I just got off the phone with Lee Harvey. he keeps up with current events — because down there where he is, everyone's forced to watch Fox News. it's part of the Eternal Torments. check out Lee's nickname for you:

An Appalling Lunatic.

fuck, he's good. I should get him to ghost-write my posts.

wednesday: boo fucking hoo

last Sunday's Superbowl halftime show broke so many wingnut brains, days later they were still bellyaching about it. here's Internet Found Object Stew Peters, cranking the racism dial so far past 11 that it snaps off in his hand.

"after several consecutive years of conducting satanic rituals on live television, the NFL went right back to doing what it does best: giving a platform to degenerate blacks. it's just all so tiresome. every single one of America's biggest entertainment platforms, from the fake and gay and rigged entertainment leagues, like the NFL, to the music industry, to all of our TV shows, has completely given in to this degenerate black filth culture that was created by a bunch of subversive Jews."

wait — did Stewball just call my people subversive? he can't get away with that. where's my fucking space laser?

thursday: whatimalism?

this is just so fucking embarrassing.

"President Trump and Elon Musk, arguably the two most unorthodox and influential American leaders of the 21st century, are practicing and fine-tuning a fused theory of governing power -> Masculine maximalism."

media, can you please stop with the hagiographic hero worship? Donny Convict and the Space Nazi are not avatars of "masculine" anything.

one guy can't go out in public without spackling his pale death-mask face with a gallon of burnt cork. the other has had extensive gender-affirming surgeryjust so he could feel better about himself.

these two jokers are petty, vindictive, dishonest, and never take responsibility for their fuckups. what kind of "masculine maximalism" is that?

admit it, Jim. you know what you really want to say about Donny and Leon, don't you? go ahead. this is a safe space.

"daddy's home."

that's right, Jim — except now America has two daddies, and they're both taking off their belts.

Jim? Jim?

oh my, Jimmy VandeHei just swooned and passed out, with the biggest smile on his face.

friday: a chip off the old extremely homophobic block

it appears that the Space Nazi didn't just inherit the profits from an Apartheid-era emerald operation from his father. he apparently also inherited a rather fucked-up set of values.

"Obama's a queer, married to a man who dresses as a woman."

isn't Errol a charmer? it's really true what they say — the douche doesn't fall far from the bag.

saturday: ?

hey, it's still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.