From Jeff Tiedrich:
'because fuck you, that's why,' helpfully explains ICE Barbie
how does this ninny not know what habeas corpus is?
Kristi Noem — concentration-camp-selfie enthusiast and darling of the puppy-perforating set — was Capitol Hill yesterday, to do some performative jack-assery about why the Department of Homeland Security needs its budget set sky-high for 2026.
airfare and wardrobe for weekly prison-guard-cosplay photo-ops down in El Salvador doesn't grow on trees, you know.
Democratic Senator Maggie Hassan had a question for Noem: 'what is habeas corpus?'
let's gaze in awe as Kristi takes careful aim and shoots the Constitution square in the face.
"habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country."
bzzzzzt! sorry, no — not even close.
Senator Hassen, would you like correct our confused cosplayer?
"habeas corpus is the legal principle that requires that the government provide a public reason for detaining and imprisoning people. if not for that protection, the government could simply arrest people, including American citizens, and hold them indefinitely for no reason. habeas corpus is the foundational right that separates free societies like America from police states like North Korea."
oh, huh. then it doesn't mean that Dear Leader can eighty-six whoever he wants? oopsies!
how the fuck could Noem get that wrong? there are three possible explanations for why Kristi answered as she did — none of them good.
the first is that Kristi has no idea what habeas is, and just blurted out the first thing that popped into her vacant skull.
the second is that Kristi actually believes the answer she gave — because morons gonna moron.
the third — and scariest — possibility is that Noem knows full well what habeas corpus is, but deliberately gave a wrong answer — because fuck you, that's why. how dare you question Kristi the All-Powerful? do you want to live out the rest of your days in a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag? no? then shut the fuck up.
Little Donny Fuckface was also on Capitol Hill yesterday, to rally support for his 'big beautiful bill' that chainsaws social programs to the bone, in order to finance another round of massive tax cuts for our oligarch overlords.
a reporter had a pretty decent question for Donny: "you campaigned on lowering the price of groceries. how can you justify cutting food assistance in this bill?"
Preznit Fuckbrain's answer was one for the ages.
"the cut is gonna give everybody much more food."
huh?
I know I've been saying this for years, but it's never stopped being true: the first reporter to stand up and ask "what the fuck is wrong with you" should get a lifetime Pulitzer.
Donny goes on tell a bunch of lies about how the price of food is already down because of of his amazing job of presidenting the shit out of the economy. (spoiler alert: no it isn't, and no has hasn't.)
Donny doesn't have an answer to why are you cutting aid to the poor, because coming up with one would require an attention span — and Donny's mind has already drifted off to thinking about how the Saudis gave me my own mobile McDonald's. that was so cool, why can't Mike Johnson do that when I come to the House. mmmm, burgers.
n place of an actual answer, Donny starts making mouth-noises about how everyone's going to have so much food, you're going to get tired of all the food.
or course, the real answer to "why are Republicans cutting food assistance to the people who need it most," is because fuck you, that's why.
if The Poors didn't want their social safety net taken away from them, then they should have given Dear Leader a vulgar flying bordello, like Qatar's royal family did. that's the kind of shit that opens doors. for fuck's sake, Poors, show some initiative. don't you know how the game is played in Donny Convict's Washington?
no wonder you lazy slugs are all hungry.
"in March, you boasted about revoking student visas, saying, and I'm quoting, 'we do it every day. every time I find one of these lunatics, I take away their visa,' unquote. let's look at one of those 'lunatics,' Mr. Secretary. Ms. Öztürk. her crime was co-authoring an op-ed in her college paper critical of Tufts University's response to the war in Gaza. your own department found zero links to terrorism, no antisemitic statements, but you still yanked her visa and shipped her off to detention in Louisiana. and the list goes on and on.
"the federal judge in the case of Mohsen Madawi, who was the Columbia student who was ambushed by federal agents at his citizenship appointment, said, and I quote, this is the judge, 'legal residents not charged with crimes or misconduct are being arrested and threatened with deportation for stating their views on the political issues of the day. our nation has seen times like this before, especially during the Red Scare and Palmer Raids.'
"like the McCarthy-era witch hunts of the 1950s, your campaign of fear and repression is eating away at foundational values for democracy. back then, it took one voice—Attorney Joseph Welch—to cut through the hysteria with the simple question that marked the beginning of the end of that shameful era: 'Senator McCarthy, have you no sense of decency?'
"I would ask you the same, Secretary Rubio. you have shown through your words and actions what the answer is. I have to tell you directly and personally that I regret voting for you for Secretary of State."
now, let's allow Marco Rubio to show everyone what a ginormous asshole he is. here's his response to Senator Van Hollen's tongue-lashing.
"your regret for voting for me confirms I'm doing a good job."
what an arrogant prick. go fuck yourself, Liddle Marco.
lastly, here's your daily dose of What the Actual Fuck.
Nancy Mace has become the Lauren Boebert of Marjorie Taylor Greenes. Nance is mad as hell, and she's brought her own visual aids.
some context: Nancy's stunt was to ostensibly raise awareness of revenge-porn, which Mace claims to be a victim of — and make no mistake, revenge porn is a serious issue, and the people who disseminate it are scumbags who need to face consequences.
but set that aside for a moment. how starved for attention does one have to be, to be constantly drawing attention to one's own body?
look, Nancy — nude photos have no place in a House committee room. unless, of course, the photos are of Hunter Biden's freakishly-oversized trouser hog.
