if ever there were a holy shit moment, we got one last night, when the three judges on the U.S. Court of International Trade were all 'Taco Donny, put an end to this tariff bullshit right fucking now.'
I know, right? I'm shocked, too.
no, really — even Paul Krugman was all holy shit.
I googled it, Paul. in Latin, it's 'sanctus cacas.'
the court cockblocked Donny for a simple reason: presidents cannot levy taxes (which is what tariffs are, duh) — that's the job of Congress.
it's right there in that pesky little thing we call the Constitution.
Article I, Section 8 says that "The Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes …" Article I, Section 7 says that "All bills for raising [tax] revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives …"
Donny had been imposing his incoherent tariffs through a farcical misreading of a 1977 law that allows presidents to 'regulate commerce' during 'national emergencies.'
to be fair, 'the president is a fuckwit fueled by stupidity and spite' is in fact a genuine national emergency — but not the kind that would allow Donny to 'regulate commerce.'
so the Trade Court made the only logical move, which was to tell Dear Leader to piss straight up a rope.
of course, this whole episode should never have ended up in court. Congress could have ended all this trade war fuckery in a heartbeat — because Donny never had the authority to impose tariffs in the first place. Donny glommed that power illegally — and because no Republican wanted to stand up to Donny, and risk making the Boy King mad, they let him get away with it.
in fact, Congress has blocked every Democratic effort to restore sanity to American trade policy.
I have a question: how many Congressional Republicans made a fortune from trading off of Donny's tariff incoherence?
Congresswoman Sporkfoot, might you have any idea?
crickets. I thought so.
this is the exact same bullshit we went through with Donny's unconstitutional executive orders. EOs are not laws of the land — but they got treated as such, because Republicans just stood around with their hands in their pockets, and did fuck-all to stop it.
same deal with kidnapping migrants off the street and disappearing them into foreign slave-labor gulags, which Donny based off a farcical misreading of the Alien Enemies Act.
it took a court to put an end to Donny's unconstitutional EOs. it took a court to put an end to (some) unconstitutional kidnappings — and now it's a court that's blocked Donny's unconstitutional tariffs.
all because Congressional Republicans are fucking cowards who don't want to rock the boat.
the Trade Court has given Donny ten days to comply. there's no doubt that Donny will go blubbering all the way to the Supreme Court about it.
there's also no doubt there's a Category Five ketchupnado going on in the White House right now, but Nosferatu McGoebbels must have hidden Dear Leader's phone — because as I'm sitting here writing this at 8am on Thursday morning, there's nothing at all about tariffs on Donny's Truth Social feed.
sanctus cacas!
all around, it was not a good day for Taco Donny. he found out about his new nickname in the most clownfuckingly hilarious way possible: from a reporter.
reporter: "Wall Street analysts have coined a new term called the 'TACO trade.' they're saying Trump always chickens out on tariff threats, and that's why markets are higher this week. what's your response to that?"
Donny: "I kick out?"
reporter: "chicken out."
Donny then launches into a two-minute-long whiny tirade during which he brags about all of his imaginary accomplishments, insists that changing his mind every other day is actually a strength, and culminates in—
"but don't ever say what you said. that's a nasty question. to me, that's the nastiest question."
oh noes, Dear Leader heard a nasty question. the horror.
boo fucking hoo. dry your eyes and grow the fuck up.
that Donny had to hear about his new nickname from a reporter is indicative of the fact-free bubble Donny lives in. his handlers have to keep him in the dark about every fucking thing, because they know the thin-skinned bastard can't handle reality. that's why, when four soldiers were killed in a training mission in March, he was all huh, what when asked about it by reporters. same deal with Signalgate. when reporters asked him about that, he didn't even know what a group chat was.
don't nobody upset the Boy King.
so of course no one in the White House was going to tell Donny that Wall Street is mocking the shit out of him. no one wants a ketchup bottle whipped at their head.
and because the internet never disappoints, I give you —
sanctus cacas!
a couple of days ago I joked that Donny thinks he's on a mission from God.
at least, I thought I was joking. it turns out I wasn't. here's a thing our batshit president actually posted yesterday on his crappy app.
sanctus cacas!
get a grip, you delusional asshole.
here are your heroes of the day: the good people of Seward, Nebraska.
at a town hall in Seward, Republican Rep Mike Flood was bullshitting his way through a justification of cutting social programs, when the crowd grew tired of being lied to and drowned him out with a chant of "tax the rich!"
sanctus cacas!