Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

so, Senate Republicans put on their usual dog-and-pony kabuki. they did that thing where they rend their garments, throw their arms up in despair, and wail ‘how can I in good conscience vote for this terrible bill? so conflicted! so conflicted!’

the media gobbles this Lucy-and-the-football shit right down. it makes for such great headlines. Republicans in disarray! legislation in jeopardy! will they actually defy the Mad King?

and then, when it comes time to vote, every almost single fucking Republican is a ‘yes.’

so now, the Big Beautiful Pile Of Shit goes back to the House, where we can watch the same pretend-garment-rending happen all over again.

three Republican senators actually had the bravery to vote against this economic abomination. Tom Tillis, Rand Paul, and — holy shit — Susan Collins! this time, Susan Collins didn’t susancollins. she actually stuck to her guns and voted against the bill she swore she wouldn’t vote for.

but you know who did just susancollins her way to infamy? Lisa Murkowski. you can drop blame for the bill’s passage right in Lisa’s lap. if she’d voted no — as she implied a thousand fucking times that she would — the bill would have gone down in defeat, 49-51.

Lisa Murskowski is so sad right now. she can’t understand why Lisa Murkowski didn’t prevent Lisa Murkowski from doing what she did.

look how sad.

“I know that in many parts of the country, there are Americans that are not going to be advantaged by this bill.”

and later,

“we do not have a perfect bill by any stretch of the imagination. my hope is that the House is going to look at this and recognize that we’re not there yet.”

fabulous. Lisa’s going to absolve herself of any culpability, and kick the can across the Capitol Building back into the well of the House. she’s going to hope Republican Reps bail her out.

oh, sure. because Madge Three-Toes and Handey Oakley and Holy Mike Johnson and the whole worthless lot of them can always be depended on to do the right thing.

thanks a fucking lot, Lisa. here’s a present from the American people.

who’s the biggest pantload in the Democratic Party right now? I’m thinking it might be this guy.

“NEWS: I just got the name struck off this bill with a move on the floor of the Senate. It is no longer named ‘One Big Beautiful Bill.’”

awesome work, honcho. that’ll solve everything. you have totally met the moment, Chuckers.

write yourself a strongly-worded letter.

in a world of Chuck Schumers, be a Jasmine Crockett.

I don’t really understand what it is that y’all plan to go back and tell your constituents. the reality is that you have sold your constituents out for 83 people in this country. how is it that you can explain that we still are running up the credit card and we have nothing to show for it except for the fact that we won’t have food on the tables and we won’t have health care?”

I’d love to predict the imminent demise of the Republican Party, because none of this shit is popular.

Harry Enten: “you don’t have to be a mathematical genius to know that these are horrible, horrible, horrible numbers. Washington Post, -19 points, Fox News -21 points … holy Toledo — you just never see numbers this poor … to quote Sir Charles Barkley, ‘terrible terrible terrible’ … it is one of the most unpopular pieces of legislation that I have ever seen.”

and that clip is from from before the bill cleared the Senate. wait until the House passes this shitpile of a bill, Donny signs it into law, and Cletus finds out that Dear Leader lied to him about saving Medicaid — and now grandma has to come live with him because her health insurance went fuckity-bye, and the nursing home kicked her out onto the street.

you would hope that Republican voters will remember this all the way to Election Day next year. but the average MAGA is basically the guy from Memento, who literally can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, unless it’s tattooed onto him.

so it’s up to us to stay angry, and never let your drunk MAGA uncle at Thanksgiving forget how Dear Leader screwed him.

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oh look, it’s just the worst people in the world, having the time of their lives at the Grand Opening of America’s newest concentration camp, Alligator Auschwitz.

yeah, that let’s trample all over basic human rights shit sure is fucking hilarious.

hey, you know who else laughed it up while doing war crimes? these jolly madcaps.

those are guards and office workers at the actual Auschwitz, kicking back during some downtime.

oh, huh.

folks, these are truly historic times we’re living in. it isn’t every day you get to watch an American president’s brain leak out of his ears in real-time.

reporter: “Mr. President, is there an expected timeframe detainees will spend here? days, weeks, months? and does that have anything to do with the immigration judges you just spoke about, being trained and staffed here?”
Donny: “what was the first part of your question?”
reporter: “is there a specific timeframe you expect the detainees to stay here? days, weeks, months?”
Donny: “in Florida?”
reporter: “yes.”
Donny: “I’m gonna spend a lot. look, this is my home state. I love it. I love your government. I love all the people around— these are all friends of mine. and they know I’m— very well. I’m not surprised that they do so well. they’re great— people. uh, Ron has been a friend of mine for a long time. I feel very comfortable in this state. I’ll spend a lot of time here.”

in the space of one second, Donny forgets what question he’s been asked, and starts improvising a nonsensical answer.

does Donny even know what planet he’s on right now? I’d love to see a reporter stand up and ask ‘Mr. President, what day of the week is it?’

hey, worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — any interest in reporting on the obvious deterioration of Mad King Donny Demento?

I thought so.

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you know, there are a lot of things in this world that have never happened — but if you were to put together a list of all the things that never happened the most, the heartwarming tale we’re about to hear from Kristi Noem would def be in the top five.

“Joe Biden let the worst of the worst come in. they other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. they said that they had detained a cannibal, and put him on a plane to take him home, and while they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself. and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”

MY GOD, PEOPLE, THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS. THEY’RE EATING THE CATS. THEY’RE GNAWING ON THEIR OWN ARMS.

because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled “ICE detains cannibal” — just to double-check, because who knows? maybe this patently ridiculous allegation isn’t just some fever-swamp hallucination of Kristi’s. maybe it actually happened.

fact check: fuck off, puppy perforator.

every search result links back to yesterday’s press conference, and everyone is mocking Kristi for being a dumb-ass — with the exception of the wingnut media. they’re printing it as if it were God’s own truth.

check out the New York Post.

because of course they are. it’s good business. no one ever went broke underestimating the gullible stupidity of MAGA.

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An Personal Note From Your Host

As I wrote a few weeks ago, a troublesome spot appeared on the back of my tongue one day and based on my history, my ENT decided a biopsy was in order. The biopsy was performed, and it came back as a malignant squamous cell carcinoma.

I met with him on Monday to discuss my options. I went through seven weeks of radiation therapy back in 2003 for my laryngeal cancer. This took care of that, and I’ve been cancer-free for the past twenty-two years. But the radiation took a huge toll (that actually didn’t start manifesting until about three years ago). Even with the hell I went through with those treatments, when my doc presented the options—surgery, radiation, chemo (or some combination of all three) and after he described the surgery (it’s horrific), I immediately zeroed in on the radiation again. Trouble is, I might not be able to have radiation again.

So as not to drag this thing out, after much reflection—and speaking to a dear friend who’s been a nurse since I was in high school who talked me off the ledge yesterday—surgery remains the best option. It’s not going to be fun by any means, but after speaking to the surgeon who’s going to be handling my tongue reconstruction after the tumor has been removed, I feel much better about the whole procedure. It’s a ten hour procedure. Afterward I’ll be in the ICU for three days, followed by another week or so in the hospital. I’ll have a feeding tube for some amount of time, and there will be weeks—or months—of speech and swallow therapy once I’m released. The doctor I spoke to today said everything should “mostly” be back to “normal” by the first of the year—although a complete recovery could take up to a year.

How am I dealing with this? Last night—prior to speaking to my friend—I was near tears. After speaking with her (who is dealing with a much more serious cancer herself but beating it into submission) I wrapped my head around the idea that this is just one. more. adventure. in this thing called life.

I have no doubt whatsoever that I will come out the other side cancer free; it’s just getting from here to there that’s probably going to test me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. Or not. Maybe I’m stronger (as my friend insists) than I believe.

It will probably be another 5-6 weeks before this happens so I have plenty of time to mentally prepare. As Ben said, “It’s the unknown that’s the worst part.”

All I know is that—much like 22 years ago—I refuse to let a group of runaway cells the size of a pencil eraser dictate shit.