That's the only way I can describe my core emotional state for the last eighteen months.
On edge. Anxious. Can count on one hand the number of times I've gotten a good night's sleep since election night. And yet, no matter what new horror or dismantling of a sacred American principle is brought about by the illegitimate occupier of the White House or his minions with each passing day, that feeling of dread never goes away. It's never that other shoe; there's still something more, something worse ahead. It's that gnawing feeling that we haven't sunk as low as we're going to before this nightmare ends and the cancer that is eating away at this democracy is eradicated. (At least I still have that hope.) What's even more depressing is the knowledge that the 15-20% of Americans who constitute Trump's core base will be cheering every step as we descend into that darkness, even if it consumes them in the process.
I'm convinced that if bombs start raining down on us, the cognitive dissonance instilled by Faux News and its ilk on his base will guarantee that they'll go to their graves secure in their belief that it all Obama's fault…or Hillary's…or the "damn Liberals," never once accepting that it was the Orange Russian Wig Stand in the Oval Office and his malignant, sociopathic narcissism that brought about their destruction.
Is this what PTSD feels like? Seriously, I'm asking. The anxiety, the difficulty sleeping, this general feeling of doom that some days just permeates everything. And it's not just me…from the few discussions I've had at work, I'm starting to think that 80-85% of the country must be going through this in varying degrees.
As I've written before, until November a year ago, I used to enjoy Twitter. Now I can't stand to be on the platform for more than a couple minutes before I want to either start smashing heads with a metal folding chair or just sink into deep depression at the absolute stupidity displayed by my fellow humans.
And yet I still manage to find joy and peace in things both large and small: my husband, our doggies, music and the machines I use to listen to it, photography, leaving work in the afternoon, WestWorld and a dozen or so other entertainments…
There won't be any bombs dropping. Korean hackers are really, really good. They're going to turn off the water in Texas sometime this summer.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm drinking more than I ever have and I'm considering adding recreational drugs to my life. There's a permeating darkness that doesn't seem to go away, and my mind can't handle the fact that so many people have gone completely stupid and cheer this darkness on, simply because they didn't like the fact that the previous president was black and the other candidate was a woman. I feel like we've gone into Idiocracy much faster than even the movie imagined it would be. I wake up hoping to read about an indictment or an obituary. Anything to change what's become the status quo.
I'm hoping for an obituary.