Author: Mark Alexander

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The Week In STOOPID

From Jeff Tiedrich:

As another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

monday: who would Jesus infect

it’s been a hot minute, so let’s check in on America’s new christofascist overlords. here’s newly-elected Indiana Attorney General Todd Rokita.

“with your help, together, we will make Indiana a truly free state … where we can raise our children as God intended, without interference by woke schools, doctors or courts … where we are no longer vaxxed or masked.”

sure, absolutely. it’s a well-known fact that Jesus was all about spreading preventable diseases. it’s right there in the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the science-deniers, for they will choke to death on their own infectious mucus.

I’m no scholar, but I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing in the Bible about vaccinations — but as long as we’re going to adhere to “God’s intentions,” here’s one he’s pretty specific about.

if you wear linen and wool at the same time, you should be fucking slaughtered.

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

that’s good old Leviticus 19:19. now here’s Leviticus 19:27.

Ye shall not round off the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

what do you have to say for yourself, Todd, you infidel? because it looks to me like you’re definitely marring the corners of thy beard.

that’s what I love about these cristofascist hypocrites. they cherry-pick the Bible to prove whatever oppressive notion they want to inflict on the rest of us — but when it comes to actually adhering to the laws that are right there in the Bible, it’s fucking crickets.

tuesday: hly fcking sht, lern hw to fcking spel

Tuesday was Pete Hegseth’s confirmation hearing, and Senate Republicans brought all the props out in support of his candidacy — because nothing says I’m a serious legislator whose issues should be taken seriously more than misspelling the word military.

in their own defense, Senate Republicans had been out all night getting hammered with Piss-Drunk Pete, and were too hung over the next morning to notice.

wednesday: I download Supreme Court decisions for the idiocy

during oral arguments regarding a Texas law requiring age verification in order to access porn sites, Fishin’ Trip Sammy Alito raised a cogent question.

“Justice Alito is asking if websites like Pornhub have ‘essays, modern day Gore Vidal, stuff like that’ like the old Playboy.”

um, who wants to tell him?

I suppose on the one hand, it’s admirable that Steal Stoppin’ Sammy should be so ignorant of the online porn experience that he’d ask such a ludicrous question — but on the other hand: why the fuck are ancient white men allowed to rule on technologies they’re too out-of-touch to understand?

remember the old “the internet is a series of tubes” meme? here’s where it came from: an old white man who had no clue what he was gibbering about.

back in 2006, Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was railing against streaming services. he wanted to shut them down. he was convinced they were going to break the internet — because, as he explained it, the internet is “a series of tubes.” here is exactly what Senator Stevens said.

“And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.”

these people should not be setting policy affecting millions of Americans. they should be enjoying a nice, hot cup of shut the fuck up in a managed care facility.

oh, and for the record, “I download porn for the articles” is a joke I made twelve years ago.

you’re welcome.

thursday: mirth of an abomination

oh frabjous day, the toxic incels are at it again.

pro tip: posting shit like this is proof you’ve failed as a human being.

also, can you fucking idiots get your stories straight?

just two weeks ago, the Space Nazi was extolling the virtues of c-sections — promising that if women would opt out of giving birth the old-fashioned way, all of us could have brains as big as his.

“There are certainly other factors at play, but heavy use of c-sections allows for a larger brain, as brain size has historically been limited by birth canal diameter.”

so which is it, incels?

friday: stand back, Rand Paul’s about to say something stupid

while writing these daily posts, there’s a line find myself I using over and over: “it’s so easy to solve all the world’s problems when you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” the reason I keep repeating it, is because Republicans keep proving it’s true.

here’s failed wig model Rand Paul, explaining how he knows more about water management than all the water managers.

“I see these homes burning and I’m like wow, if they just had a generator and a hose, you start sucking the water out of the The Pacific Ocean. but you can do more than that. you can pump it and put it in cisterns up in the hills a mile or two in. why don’t they take the ocean water and put it in cisterns have a bunch of water ready when a wildfire shows up? once again, bad local government.”

hey everybody, Rand Paul just invented reservoirs. that’s some Nobel Prizewinning stuff right there.

this fucking arrogant asshole, lecturing Los Angeles on why don’t you just have reservoirs?

you nincompoop, Los Angeles has reservoirs. plenty of them. and they were all full when the fires started. that’s not the issue. Rand Paul is conveniently forgetting about the part where LA was dealing with literal hurricanes made out of fire that were too massive and fast-moving to control or contain — by any fire department, anywhere.

talking out of your ass from the floor of the Senate is easy. actually dealing with problems is hard — and Republicans are proving it every day.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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Yet Another Quote For Today

Tom Nichols, writer for The Atlantic, on The Felon:

“Paradoxically, however, [The Felon]’s reckless venality is a reason for hope. [The Felon] has the soul of a fascist but the mind of a disordered child. He will likely be surrounded by terrible but incompetent people. All of them can be beaten: in court, in Congress, in statehouses around the nation, and in the public arena. America is a federal republic, and the states—at least those in the union that will still care about democracy—have ways to protect their citizens from a rogue president. Nothing is inevitable, and democracy will not fall overnight.”

There will be methods to contain The Felon, even though the GOP will goosestep for Hair Furor every chance they get.

[source]

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Quote Of The Day

What did Liberals do that was so offensive to the Republican Party? I’ll tell you what they did. Liberals got women the right to vote. Liberals created Social Security and lifted millions of elderly people out of poverty. Liberals ended segregation. Liberals passed the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act. Liberals created Medicare. Liberals passed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act. What did Conservatives do? They opposed Liberals on every one of those things, every one. So when you try to hurl that label at my feet, as if it were something to be ashamed of, something dirty, something to run away from, it won’t work because I will pick that label up and wear it as a badge of honor.” ~ Lawrence O’Donnell

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Marching Orders For Democrats

Jonathan V. Last:

First: Do not help Republicans. Not in any way. On any issue. Republicans can’t pass a budget, or raise the debt ceiling? Tough luck. Do not provide them any bailout votes on any issue. Period, the end.¹

Second: Make Donald Trump own every bad outcome that happens, anywhere in the world while paying special attention to areas where Republicans are particularly vulnerable. Like housing and Ukraine.

BUT WILL THEY DO IT?

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Into The Cornfield

From Palmer Report:

There’s a particularly chilling episode of the old Twilight Zone TV series called “It’s a Good Life,” a Rod Serling teleplay of a Jerome Bixby short story. It goes like this: A monster lives in a small Ohio village. He is an ordinary-appearing six year old boy named Anthony with extraordinary abilities. His every whim has absolute power. Anthony has caused everyone in the United States to “go away” because they displease him. Everyone else still alive in the village must be nice to him or he will “send them into the cornfield,” a euphemism for making them disappear. Anthony can read everyone’s thoughts, so everyone must always be thinking exaggeratedly happy thoughts.

The story is a metaphor for a very real existential question that was new to the world when it was first broadcast. What do we do when a madman, a child, a person of no conscience and complete indifference to human suffering, gains total control of the world? How do we behave? How do we keep him from sending us into the cornfield?

Those are questions that are relevant to Americans and citizens of the world today. For the second time in human history, a vindictive monster with hypersensitive feelings is about to be handed the nuclear codes of the most powerful nation on earth, the only true superpower. This monster isn’t a six year old boy, he’s a stupid, vindictive, hateful old man who will enter his 80th year in six months. The existential question we have is, how is America and the rest of the world supposed to behave? What is going to happen to any one of us if we incur his capricious and arbitrary and easily-triggered wrath?

We are about to learn the answer. Filled with hubris and stupidity, Donald Trump’s recent campaign of sabre-rattling at America’s allies has elicited some expected responses. While appeasing and flattering and accommodating America’s enemies, the man who ran on a promise of no more wars suddenly wants war with Mexico, Canada, Greenland (and its possessor Denmark) and Panama. So far those nations will have none of it. But what harm will America’s “Anthony” do to them for their failure to kowtow to him? Will he send them into the cornfield? If so, what form will that take?

Canada’s soon-to-exit prime minister Pierre Trudeau says there’s not a “snowball’s chance in hell” that his country will join America as its fifty-first state. Denmark avers that Greenland is once again not for sale. In response to Trump’s claim that the Gulf of Mexico should be rebranded the “Gulf of America,” Claudia Sheinbaum, the forthright president of Mexico, jokingly suggested that the US territory that was once part of Mexico should be renamed “Mexican America.”

But all joking aside, there could be real world consequences for defying Trump. We already know that the harm he promises to inflict on others is more than theoretical. In his criminal mishandling of the Covid pandemic, Trump withheld PPEs and breathalysers from blue states. In the aftermath of Hurricane Maria Trump denied millions of dollars of aid to Puerto Rico simply because he disliked the mayor of San Juan and because many of the people of the country were brown. Trump deprived his former fixer Michael Cohen of his Constitutional rights and locked him away in the cornfield of solitary confinement merely because he planned to write a book.

This time around, with no voices of sanity to restrain him and no law to answer to, what harm will Trump inflict and on whom? Who is he going to hurt? What lives will he ruin, merely because he can’t handle an insult? Who or what nations will get thrown into the proverbial cornfield? We’ll learn the answer soon enough.

It’s not the job of the president of the United States to hurt people. It’s his sworn duty to “preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States” by faithfully executing his office. Donald Trump has already announced that he plans to fail at his job. He prefers to hurt people instead.

Of course, a man who is constitutionally disallowed from taking office is by definition disqualified from preserving, protecting or defending that Constitution. But a man as hateful and vindictive as Trump can and will do a lot of damage to a lot of people. MAGA is about to find out that damage will extend to many of them. I hope he throws the whole bloody lot of them into the goddamn cornfield.

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