365 Days Of UNF: March 31st
So. Much. Winning.
We Don't Deserve Them, But I'm Glad They've Chosen To Live Their Lives With Us Nevertheless
"Genuinely Stupid, Incompetent People"
REMINDER: Executive Orders Aren't Worth The Paper They're Written On
Playtime's Over
I saw this and immediately thought of Trelane…
I Am Incorrigible
Oh Noes! Elon's Having Another Big Sad. Boo Fucking Hoo
From Jeff Tiedrich:
'nobody likes me, wah wah wah'
imagine what you could do if you had more money than god. one way to play it would be to fuck off and never be heard from again, and quietly enjoy a world of limitless possibilities. on the other hand, think of all the good you could do as a humanitarian. you could fund programs to end hunger, or cure disease. want to be remembered forever? build libraries, universities and hospitals, and slap your name on them, so your legacy lives on after you're gone.
or — if none of that shit is for you — you could just be some broken-inside asshole who never stops whining about being insufficiently worshiped.
the Academy Award for self-pity goes to —
"I mean, you have Tim Walz, who's a huge jerk, you know, running around on stage with the Tesla stock price, where the stock price had gone in half. and he was overjoyed. what an evil thing to do. what a creep. what a jerk. like, who derives joy from that?"
who wants to tell him?
dude. all of us. we're all deriving joy from that.
we're all sitting here watching Tesla's stock price plummet like Wile E. Coyote off the end of the cliff — and that shit is fucking hilarious.
Elon, have you seriously never seen a movie or a TV show? people love that shit, when the bully gets his comeuppance. it's the plot of every teen comedy from the 1980s.
and oh fucking boy, have you been a bully.
nobody voted for you, bro — yet here you are, in all of our faces. you used your obscene generational wealth to buy yourself a government, and treat it like your own personal plaything.
you and your merry band of pimply teenage incels broke shit. you fired people, without cause, and without bothering to first find out what they did — and then you looked like a fool when you had to scramble to hire them back because it turned out they vital, necessary shit like maintain the government's nuke stockpile.
hey Elon, remember this guy?
that's Ned Johnson. he's 82 and very much alive, but your flying monkey incels declared him dead and canceled his Social Security — because they didn't understand the data they were looking at, and didn't bother to ask anyone to explain it to them.
people see this shit happening — and then they see you fucking off to Motel-a-Lago, higher than a goddamned kite, playing with silverware.
you're having the time of your life while the people whose lives you've turned upside down can't get anyone to answer the phone at Social Security because you've pared their staff down to the bone.
on top of all that, you're a penny-ante con man.
Somehow, four Tesla-owned dealerships reported to the Canadian government that they sold an astonishing 8,653 cars during a single weekend in January — enough to qualify for 43 million Canadian dollars' (about $30 million) worth of government subsidies under a program just before it expired.
Now the Canadian government wants to know exactly how the electric carmaker managed to move two cars a minute off its lots — a rate that assumes those four dealers had stayed open 24 hours from Jan. 10 to Jan. 12.
can you explain that, Elon? those must be some awesome fucking salespeople, to sell two cars a minute for 72 straight hours. I hope you gave them all raises.
you want people to stop loathing you, Elon? then stop giving them reasons.
people are pissed. that's why they laugh when your stock goes tits-up.
and that's why they've been taking to the streets.
here's a #TeslaTakeown protest from yesterday, in Glendale, CA.
here's another #TeslaTakedown from yesterday, in Columbus, OH.
look, Elon. do you want to be liked? build a library. fund a cure for cancer.
stop whining. stop pretending you're the victim. stop demanding to be worshiped.
and for fuck's sake, own up to your bullshit.
"The goal of the left is to destroy my influence. So they relentlessly push negative propaganda about me like the fake Nazi stuff and ignore anything positive. They are evil."
fake Nazi stuff? homeslice, we all saw you sieg heil.
how hard it is to say 'yeah, that was kinda fucked up. I won't do it again'?
hey, everyone — President Nine Iron won himself another golf tournament!
"I just played a round of Golf with Alexander Stubb, President of Finland. He is a very good player, and we won the Men's Member-Guest Golf Tournament at Trump International Golf Club in Palm Beach County, with the Legendary Gary Player, Senator Lindsey Graham, and former Congressman and highly successful Television Host, Trey Gowdy. President Stubb and I look forward to strengthening the partnership between the United States and Finland, and that includes the purchase and development of a large number of badly needed Icebreakers for the U.S., delivering Peace and International Security for our Countries, and the World. President Stubb told me, in the most powerful of words, that the United States is STRONG, and BACK, AGAIN. I AGREE!"
so that makes seventeen hundred skilliontly consecutive championships that Donny has won at one of his vermin-infested golf motels.
but here's a fun fact regarding Donny's boast about scoring a shitload of polar icebreaking vessels from Finland: he's taking credit for a pact negotiated and signed by the Sleepy Joe Brandon administration, back in November of last year.
Canada's also part of the deal, but Donny left that part out — because he's still throwing a big hissy over their refusal to become America's hat.
I look forward to next weekend, when Donny plays golf with Napoleon and takes credit for the Louisiana Purchase.
Sunday Sacrilege
365 Days Of UNF: March 30th
Thank You For Your Service
I Dunno…
FUCK THE ORANGE FELON
Hilariously a percentage of the Maga Kult think that this is all some really smart, carefully designed plan to show the media up and to break down the facade of the deep state when really we're just seeing the end of the white supremacist patriarchy, how stupid and incompetent they really are and what happens when they think they can just get away with being their real authentically stupid, ignorant selves
[Source]
Quote Of The Day
How Do They Get Out Of Bed And Dress Themselves In The Morning?
But Hey, They Owned The Libs!
Boys Will Be Boys
Funny How You Can Post Or Say Something Like This Anywhere And Everyone Immediately Knows Exactly Who You're Talking About Without Ever Mentioning His Name
Yup!
Vomiting It All Up
Yeah, It's LIke That
365 Days Of UNF: March 29th
Some AI Generated Positivity
Maybe They're Right After All
From Jeff Tiedrich:
it's probably not a good sign when your homeys have to swear that you weren't blitzed out of your mind when you did that thing you definitely did.
who among us hasn't woken up to discover that we did something ill-advised after a night of over-enthusiastically bending the elbow?
oh fuck, I did what?
for most of us, it's generally something low-stakes — like going online and buying some fugly sweater that we don't even remember ordering until it shows up a few days later.
for others, it's bombing the shit out of another county.
Alexa, show me the least-reassuring headline, ever.
Pete Hegseth was not drunk when he discussed plans to bomb Yemen in a group chat which included a journalist, the director of the CIA has said.
you can trust the CIA, because they would never lie to us, right?
but how does the CIA director know that Plastered Pete wasn't plastered? was he there? does the Signal app have a built-in breathalyser?
by the way, Donny's DOJ won't be prosecuting anyone over this Signal clusterfuck, because of course they won't — because reasons, and also because something something look over there, it's Hillary Clinton!
reporter: "the Signal chat controversy that's going on. is DOJ involved at this point? if so, why? if not, why not?"
Pam Bondi: "well first, it was sensitive information, not classified, inadvertently released, and what we should be talking about is it was a very successful mission … if you want to talk about classified information, talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home."
so, we're playing semantics games now. the intel was sensitive, not classified. (spoiler alert: it was classified.) and Pete didn't mean to do it, so no harmsies, ok? and besides, Yemen got the shit bombed out of it, very successfully. so what's the big deal?
by the way, handwaving away a major security breach by saying 'it was a successful mission' is like justifying drunk driving by pointing out that you managed not to run over anyone on the way home.
speaking of which — Plastered Pete is playing semantics games, too. check this out.
oops, sorry — wrong clip! here's the one we meant to show you.
"nobody is texting war plans. well I noticed this morning, out came something that doesn't look like war plans. and as a matter of fact, they even changed the title to 'attack plans,' because they know it's not war plans. there's no units, no locations, no routes, no flight paths, no sources, no methods…"
Piss-Drunk Pete is so good at being indignant, isn't he? it's a he skill honed through years of being a weekend chat-show bobblehead on Fox News. just the talent you want in someone who may not remember who he bombed last night.
whether we call it war plans or attack plans — that's not the fucking issue here. let's recall exactly what Pete did: he took classified intel — specific times of air strikes — and cut-and-pasted it into his phone.
then he sent it to all his homies (and a reporter!), hours before the attacks took place, over a janky app that he was warned by his own NSA not to use— because it's so fucking easily hacked by foreign actors — giving advance notice of bombing runs to anyone who might have gained access to his personal, unsecured phone.
but look, let's not bicker and argue over war plans and attack plans.
the administration has bigger fish to fry. apparently, the National Zoo has been suffering because of all the woke.
President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday directing Vice President JD Vance to remove "improper ideology" from institutions such as the National Zoo.
what in the world? how can a zoo be woke? I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. are they just inventing things for JD to do, because he's a clueless dope and they want to get him out of the White House?
'hey there, JD, when you've finished fucking the furniture, could you run over to the National Zoo and make sure there's no DEI going on in the elephant house?'