Author: Mark Alexander

From Jeff Tiedrich:

'nobody likes me, wah wah wah'

imagine what you could do if you had more money than god. one way to play it would be to fuck off and never be heard from again, and quietly enjoy a world of limitless possibilities. on the other hand, think of all the good you could do as a humanitarian. you could fund programs to end hunger, or cure disease. want to be remembered forever? build libraries, universities and hospitals, and slap your name on them, so your legacy lives on after you're gone.

or — if none of that shit is for you — you could just be some broken-inside asshole who never stops whining about being insufficiently worshiped.

the Academy Award for self-pity goes to —

"I mean, you have Tim Walz, who's a huge jerk, you know, running around on stage with the Tesla stock price, where the stock price had gone in half. and he was overjoyed. what an evil thing to do. what a creep. what a jerk. like, who derives joy from that?"

who wants to tell him?

dude. all of us. we're all deriving joy from that.

we're all sitting here watching Tesla's stock price plummet like Wile E. Coyote off the end of the cliff — and that shit is fucking hilarious.

Elon, have you seriously never seen a movie or a TV show? people love that shit, when the bully gets his comeuppance. it's the plot of every teen comedy from the 1980s.

and oh fucking boy, have you been a bully.

nobody voted for you, bro — yet here you are, in all of our faces. you used your obscene generational wealth to buy yourself a government, and treat it like your own personal plaything.

you and your merry band of pimply teenage incels broke shit. you fired people, without cause, and without bothering to first find out what they did — and then you looked like a fool when you had to scramble to hire them back because it turned out they vital, necessary shit like maintain the government's nuke stockpile.

hey Elon, remember this guy?

that's Ned Johnson. he's 82 and very much alive, but your flying monkey incels declared him dead and canceled his Social Security — because they didn't understand the data they were looking at, and didn't bother to ask anyone to explain it to them.

people see this shit happening — and then they see you fucking off to Motel-a-Lago, higher than a goddamned kite, playing with silverware.

you're having the time of your life while the people whose lives you've turned upside down can't get anyone to answer the phone at Social Security because you've pared their staff down to the bone.

on top of all that, you're a penny-ante con man.

Somehow, four Tesla-owned dealerships reported to the Canadian government that they sold an astonishing 8,653 cars during a single weekend in January — enough to qualify for 43 million Canadian dollars' (about $30 million) worth of government subsidies under a program just before it expired.

Now the Canadian government wants to know exactly how the electric carmaker managed to move two cars a minute off its lots — a rate that assumes those four dealers had stayed open 24 hours from Jan. 10 to Jan. 12.

can you explain that, Elon? those must be some awesome fucking salespeople, to sell two cars a minute for 72 straight hours. I hope you gave them all raises.

you want people to stop loathing you, Elon? then stop giving them reasons.

people are pissed. that's why they laugh when your stock goes tits-up.

and that's why they've been taking to the streets.

here's a #TeslaTakeown protest from yesterday, in Glendale, CA.

here's another #TeslaTakedown from yesterday, in Columbus, OH.

look, Elon. do you want to be liked? build a library. fund a cure for cancer.

stop whining. stop pretending you're the victim. stop demanding to be worshiped.

and for fuck's sake, own up to your bullshit.

"The goal of the left is to destroy my influence. So they relentlessly push negative propaganda about me like the fake Nazi stuff and ignore anything positive. They are evil."

fake Nazi stuff? homeslice, we all saw you sieg heil.

how hard it is to say 'yeah, that was kinda fucked up. I won't do it again'?

hey, everyone — President Nine Iron won himself another golf tournament!

"I just played a round of Golf with Alexander Stubb, President of Finland. He is a very good player, and we won the Men's Member-Guest Golf Tournament at Trump International Golf Club in Palm Beach County, with the Legendary Gary Player, Senator Lindsey Graham, and former Congressman and highly successful Television Host, Trey Gowdy. President Stubb and I look forward to strengthening the partnership between the United States and Finland, and that includes the purchase and development of a large number of badly needed Icebreakers for the U.S., delivering Peace and International Security for our Countries, and the World. President Stubb told me, in the most powerful of words, that the United States is STRONG, and BACK, AGAIN. I AGREE!"

so that makes seventeen hundred skilliontly consecutive championships that Donny has won at one of his vermin-infested golf motels.

but here's a fun fact regarding Donny's boast about scoring a shitload of polar icebreaking vessels from Finland: he's taking credit for a pact negotiated and signed by the Sleepy Joe Brandon administration, back in November of last year.

Canada's also part of the deal, but Donny left that part out — because he's still throwing a big hissy over their refusal to become America's hat.

I look forward to next weekend, when Donny plays golf with Napoleon and takes credit for the Louisiana Purchase.