I Apologize In Advance
Bonus panel:
Dat 'Stache!
😹 😹 😹
Right?!
And I'm Sure I'm Not The Only One
This Guy?
From Greg Fallis:
Okay, first off, I admit I'm confused. I mean, I understand that Donald Trump, with the assistance of a cadre of feral Christo-fascist authoritarians and the support of a cartoonist collection of buffoons, is conducting an aggressive frontal assault on the US Constitution. And so far it's been mostly effective.
Unlike a LOT of folks, I'm inclined to think Trump has a plan. It's a very simple, very very stupid, and very selfish plan, to be sure. It's the sort of plan you'd expect from a cartoon villain. But it's still a plan. As I see it, Donald Trump's plan is as follows:
Make everybody dependent on the whims and wishes of Donald Trump.
It's ridiculous, isn't it. What Trump really wants, of course, is loyalty and respect. Two things he'll never get. He'll never get the respect he wants (and thinks he deserves), and I suspect he knows that. Nor will he ever get real loyalty, because loyalty is reciprocal; you earn loyalty by being loyal to others. Trump is loyal to nothing and nobody. Who's going to respect of be loyal to this guy?
Since he can't/won't get the respect and loyalty he truly wants, Trump has to settle for a shabby substitute–unquestioned obedience. The problem for Trump, even as POTUS, is that there are HUGE intentional limits to presidential obedience in a representative democracy.
The president's actual job is to preside over the government, not to rule it. 'Preside' literally means "to sit in front of." The president is basically like an orchestra leader. In order for Trump to command unquestioned obedience, he has to first weaken or destroy the Constitutional constraints on presidential power.
That's exactly what he's doing. In his first term, Trump converted the entire Republican Party to so-called MAGA loyalists (I say 'so-called' because many/most of the GOP are just sycophantic cowards or craven opportunists, not actual loyalists). He also stacked the Supreme court with 'loyalists'. The only check on his authority came from the professionals who occupied the Cabinet posts and the various governmental agencies. Now, in his second term, he's replaced the Cabinet secretaries and the heads of every government agency with more so-called loyalists. He's basically removed or degraded almost every federal administrative constraint on his authority (there are still some federal judges who remain independent, though they're under attack now).
But hey, it's working. Some large law firms and some universities have already compromised themselves; many news agencies have modified their coverage of Trump and are parroting his bullshit; a lot of businesses threatened by Trump's trade practices are considering personal appeals to Trump and praising his harmful policies. Intimidation works. But c'mon, how could anybody be intimidated by this guy?
I find truly astonishing that so many people and institutions are afraid of this guy. He's a cartoonish nitwit; he's more a malignant Elmer Fudd than an evil genius. The sheer mass of his ignorance could bend light. He's ten pounds of racist bullshit in a five pound bag. He's a coward and a liar. People are afraid of taking on this guy?
This guy?
Triptych
Saturday Jokes
Imagine telling Denmark they don't do enough for people in Greenland when Greenland has universal healthcare and you don't.
So after arguing for an hour with a man who said I was in his seat, he finally said, "OK, YOU fly the plane!"
Canada elected a guy with a PhD in economics from Oxford. Mexico elected a woman with a degree in physics and a PhD in energy engineering. America elected a geriatric orange conman who talks like a carnie and went bankrupt six times.
Until the day I die, I will never understand how they were more upset about a Super Bowl halftime show than Elon Musk stealing our social security numbers.
Could we just commission artists to paint unflattering portraits of him every day to keep him occupied?
I was watching a TV show for about 10 minutes and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun.
Then I realized that it was one of the religious channels and she was reading a list of sins.
Boomers worked one job for 40 years.
Millennials work 40 jobs in one year.
Gen Z is questioning why jobs even exist.
I was just minding my own business then all of a sudden 1975 was 50 years ago.
Don't worry Greenland. One more bottle of whiskey and Pete Hegseth will text you the complete invasion plans.
It's disgusting that we live in a country where a homeless veteran who served his country can sleep in a cardboard box, while a draft dodger who works tirelessly to tear his country down can sleep in the White House.
Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap.
Pulled an all-dayer today.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can't come?
I think it's disgraceful that after 50 years, people don't know who Neil Armstrong was … or even the type of trumpet he played!
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
Life's way too precious to spend even a minute debating someone whose entire worldview comes from Fox News.
Guys courting women are no longer bringing flowers, but instead bring eggs.
Because of the high price of eggs, more women are taking up pole dancing.
Looking back at all the successes and failures in my life, I can't help but be proud that at least the potty training stuck.
If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why isn't makeup banned in beauty contests?
Must be miserable to go about life thinking scientists, historians and journalists spent their entire lives lying to you, but a reality TV celebrity with decades of documented fraud is telling you the truth.
A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony was planning to move to the "land of plenty" until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.
Pete Hegseth calls for steep cuts to the number of steps in AA recovery.
I love that time right as winter is ending but they aren't making bugs yet.
Don't punish your child by taking their games away.
Instead, log onto their online games and get them banned.
If the grocery store has a section for health food, then what is the rest of the store?
Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.
You match with people who are on the same meds as you.
We'll call it "Relationscripts".
I was in a meeting where the room number was 404. I joked that I couldn't find the room and nobody understood. This is why I have a hard time making friends.
Happy B-day to all celebrating it this month! I hope you're celebrating the way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.
Someone asked a retiree, "Do you have a job?" He replied, "I'm my wifes' sexual adviser." They asked, "What do you mean?" "Very simple," he said, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it."
My child asked why, when lightning strikes a cornfield, it is not full of popcorn.
I didn't have an answer.
An angel asked God what he was doing.
"Making Canadians," he said.
"Awww they're so nice," she said.
"Oh yeah? Watch this," he said as he dropped a hockey puck.
SEX is like a gas station. Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.
Remember when I asked for your opinion?
Neither do I.
A guy commented on my post.
Then a girl replied.
The guy replied back.
They were about to fall in love.
So I deleted the post.
Not on my watch!
Short girls are stubborn.
Look at her, she even refused to grow.
Subway sign…
Our footlong subs are 12 inches even when it's cold.
Wife: "Could you pick up a gallon of milk?"
Me: "Sure. It's only 8 pounds."
Wife: "I meant at the store."
Me: "I'm pretty sure it weighs the same there."
Employee: Do we have a bereavement policy?
Boss: Of course we do. If you die you get that day off.
Sometimes a brick to the head says what words can not.
Coworker: "It cost me $100 to fill up my tank."
Me: "Why do you drive a tank? They're so impractical. You should get an economy car."
Five without 4 is iron. (thinking joke)
I would rather the USA not be Trump's 7th bankruptcy.
At dinner, my frustrated date said, "So napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!"
"No, no," I corrected, "I said that I was into resting."
Aren't you glad your parents didn't have a social media platform to tell everyone what a little shit you were?
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053 when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. To John, this wasn't any ordinary day! This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in 2020.
If one of my jokes offended you, it'll probably happen again. I'm a repeat offender.
If you find a snakeskin, it means the snake shed it so it could grow bigger.
Same thing if you find my clothes at Goodwill.
Being funny at work is a delicate balance of being just funny enough to entertain your coworkers but not so funny that you get sent to HR.
Me, every day, trying to figure out what I last bumped into.
I call it "bruise clues".
I think it's funny that they're now putting jokes on the back of bacon packages.
Listen to this one: Serving Size: 2 slices.
A nurse was giving me a physical. During the hernia check she cupped my boys. Instead of "Turn your head and cough", she begins yelling at me, "Stop running your fingers through my hair!"
[source]
365 Days Of UNF: April 5th
"Fly My Pretties! Fly!"
Hey Elonia…It's Called FINDING OUT
We Should Be So Lucky…
Unfortunately, not even this would be enough to put an end to the madness that has overtaken the United States.
BUT IT'S A START.
An apt description of Traitor 47 that came to me as I was falling asleep the other night…
Don't EVER Forget
This is who and what he is.
You DO Have Options, Regardless Of What They Would Have You Believe
It's Important To…
Wanna Hear A Joke?
Vomiting It All Up
I have a feeling this "feature" isn't going away for a very long time. 😫
Wut?!
Every accusation is a confession:
"Here's the main thing you've got to understand. Republicans are independently minded. Democrats are monolithic sheep that follow the Führer Schumer's orders."
— Sen. Bernie Moreno (R-OH)
Fun fact: Chuck Schumer is jewish and just published a book titled, Â Antisemitism in America: A Warning.
Comic Relief
🤣 🤣 🤣
We Are Fucking Doomed
I pray this is satire and not something the orange shit stain actually posted…
365 Days of UNF: April 4th
The Economist On Felon47's Mindless Tariffs
The Economist:
On economics Mr Trump's assertions are flat-out nonsense. The president says tariffs are needed to close America's trade deficit, which he sees as a transfer of wealth to foreigners. Yet as any of the president's economists could have told him, this overall deficit arises because Americans choose to save less than their country invests — and, crucially, this long-running reality has not stopped its economy from outpacing the rest of the g7 for over three decades. There is no reason why his extra tariffs should eliminate the deficit. Insisting on balanced trade with every trading partner individually is bonkers — like suggesting that Texas would be richer if it insisted on balanced trade with each of the other 49 states, or asking a company to ensure that each of its suppliers is also a customer.
And Mr Trump's grasp of the technicalities was pathetic. He suggested that the new tariffs were based on an assessment of a country's tariffs against America, plus currency manipulation and other supposed distortions, such as value-added tax. But it looks as if officials set the tariffs using a formula that takes America's bilateral trade deficit as a share of goods imported from each country and halves it — which is almost as random as taxing you on the number of vowels in your name.
There is no way to report on these tariffs in a way that is honest and accurate without describing them as bonkers and nonsensical. News publications that are trying to present them as rational, or describing them as "reciprocal" just because that's the word the White House is using, are beclowning themselves.
Felon47 Declares A Trade War On Uninhabited Islands, US Military, And Economic Logic
From Daring Fireball:
Mike Masnick has a great piece at TechDirt running down just how stupid everything about Trump's tariff trade war is:
Whoever on the Council of Economic Advisers used this formula should turn in their econ degree, because this is not how anything works. Even if they then go on to publish another version of the formula that looks all sophisticated and shit.
Brendan Duke, on X, shows that the fancier version of their formula — which is fancy in the way that Vertu phones are "fancy" — is even stupider, because the two Greek letters they chose to glam it up just cancel each other out.
Back to Masnick:
This is what happens when you ask ChatGPT to "make my wrong econ math look more scientific." The document even admits that they couldn't figure out the actual tariff rates, so they "proxied" them with this formula instead. That's a bit like saying you couldn't find your house keys, so you proxied them with a banana.
The fundamental problem here isn't just that the tariff numbers are wrong — though they absolutely are. It's that the entire premise rests on treating trade deficits as if they were tariffs. They're not the same thing. At all.
Let's back up for a moment and talk about trade deficits, because Trump has been getting this wrong for longer than some of his supporters have been alive. His logic appears to be:
-
-
-
- "Deficit" sounds bad.
- Therefore, trade deficits must be bad.
- Therefore, countries with whom we have trade deficits must be cheating us.
- Therefore, we should punish them with tariffs to "level the playing field."
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-
This sounds like it must be an exaggeration for comic effect, but it's not. That's how Trump's mind works. This is what Trump has been saying about trade deficits for decades. It's like how he understands "asylum" to mean "insane asylum" and so when he talks about political asylum he starts talking about "the late great Hannibal Lecter".
We're not living in the Bad Place. We're living in the Stupid Place.
365 Days Of UNF: April 3rd
Okay, So Their Characters Haven't Fucked Yet…
…but what about the actors themselves? You know, "for practice."
Some Like It Hot
#someone pointed out once that he chose his female name because he liked it#whereas the other man just picked the female version of his existing name#because it was easier and that was his main concern#lot of interesting gender stuff going on here
Oh yeah there was a lot of "Hayes Code be damned, all of us making this film are queer/friends with queers and we're going to have some fun with gender identity" in this film. That's why it still holds up. It's not a story based around getting a laugh out of dressing men up as women so they can be clowns – there's an integrity to the cross-dressing. Daphne is an identity Jerry realized he had when he put on a dress. Every time he chooses to keep his wig and outfit on and maintain his feminine mannerisms while alone with Joe, it shows his comfort in this identity, and it elicits laughter from the audience through the dialogue, ie. the audience isn't laughing at the fact that a man is in a dress, but at the characters as fleshed out characters and human beings. The laughter comes from the situations the characters are put in and their reactions to them, not from a parody of womanhood presented through a male perspective. Similarly, Osgood's classic line at the end of the film is an affirmation that he likes Jerry as he is, even if he's Daphne. It's a way of getting the audience to say, "this is fine, we're comfortable" through laughter to something socially unacceptable in its time.
Joe's masculine identity, meanwhile, is used to highlight his misogyny and force him to understand it (and the same with Jerry, but as he's less of a womanizer, there's less of a point to be made with him). In a world where men and women often had separate social circles that overlapped only when romance was on the table, putting a man like Joe in a female space where he's privy to the conversations and emotions that his actions elicit gives him a lot to contend with and understand because he can see the consequences of his actions as raw pain and secondhand, instead of as anger being spewed directly at him. Again, the joke isn't that he's a man in a dress, or that he's parodying womanhood, it's that as a selfish misogynist he's put in situations where he's forced to empathize with the experience of womanhood in order to convincingly enact it for his own safety.
There's a whole lot more to unpack in the metaphor of these two men having to pass as women because their lives are at stake if they don't.
[Source]
Fine Dining Experience
Or so I've been told. I wouldn't know anything about such activities…