If Only…
Right?!
Vomiting It All Up
Monday Tiedrich
Sorry I’m late today. I’ve been in a mood.
gather ’round, kiddies. Uncle Couchfuck is going to read to us again from the Big Book of Things That Never Happened the Most.
“this is how wars ultimately get settled. if you go back to World War 2, if you go back to every major conflict in human history, they all end with some kind of negotiation.”
hang on, what kind of fever-swamp revisionist fairy-tale bullshit is this? Word War Two ended because of negotiation?
fact check: fuck all the way off.
oh, come on. this such a stupid and easily-batted-down lie. World War Two ended with the unconditional surrenders of Germany, Italy and Japan.
but oh no no no, insists Couchfuck. World War Two was negotiated.
that Harry S. Truman, he must have been one fuck of a negotiator, to get Hitler to agree to put a bullet in his own head — and wouldn’t you have loved to have sat in on the phone call where Truman bargained Mussolini down to being a urine-soaked corpse hung upside down in the street?
Benito, have I got a deal for you.
look, JD Vance is highly educated. he graduated from Yale with a law degree. he knows how World War Two ended — so why on earth would he spew such laughable twaddle? does he think we’re that stupid? spoiler alert: yes, JD Vance thinks we’re that stupid. he also knows that MAGA is that stupid, and will believe anything he tells them. fair point, JD. we’ll give you that one.
but mostly, JD Vance is performing for that Audience of One who’s in the White House, glued to the TV while jamming burger after burger into his gluttonous face.
Donny — a preening, broken-inside bottomless pit of need — is watching, so JD has to flatter the shit out of him. he can’t just simply mumble something semi-reasonable about how Dear Leader’s going to deal his way out of thiswar — he has to twist the bullshit dial all the way to 11, and pretend that all wars that have ever been fought have been ended via negotiation.
so, Donny’s going to negotiate an end to Russia’s war of aggression against Ukraine?
fat fucking chance.
I guarantee that when Donny imagines himself as The Great Negotiator, this is what he sees: Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element, entering with guns blazing and then asking ‘anyone else want to negotiate?’
yeah, no, Donny. we’ve seen you operate. we know who you really are, when it comes to negotiations.
the fact is that Donny is shit at negotiating. Donnie Dealmaker is a character he played on a game show. it’s complete farce.
here’s a fun story that Jane Mayer wrote for The New Yorker, during Donny’s first reign.
in the 1980s, when Donny was looking for someone to ghostwrite The Art of the Deal, he asked journalist Tony Schwartz to do it. Schwartz absolutely did not fucking want any part of it.
He knew that if he took Trump’s money and adopted Trump’s voice, his journalism career would be badly damaged. His heroes were such literary nonfiction writers as Tom Wolfe, John McPhee, and David Halberstam. Being a ghostwriter was hackwork.
so here’s what Schwartz did: he asked for a ginormous amount of money, figuring no one would be fuckwit enough to agree to it, and that Donny would then go find someone else to ghostwrite the book. problem solved, right? wrong.
He told Trump that if he would give him half the advance and half the book’s royalties he’d take the job.
Such terms are unusually generous for a ghostwriter. Trump, despite having a reputation as a tough negotiator, agreed on the spot. “It was a huge windfall,” Schwartz recalls.
Donny got played — and it took all of ten seconds.
you know what percentage of royalties a ghostwriter usually receives? it’s zero. nothing. zip. nada. ghostwriters are generally paid a flat fee. but Tony Schwartz asked Donny for half — and The Great Dealmaker agreed to it, without even ten seconds of negotiating.
oh, and spoiler alert: ghostwriting The Art of the Deal turned out to be a nightmare.
But the discussion was soon hobbled by what Schwartz regards as one of Trump’s most essential characteristics: “He has no attention span.”
For the book, Trump needed to provide him with sustained, thoughtful recollections. He asked Trump to describe his childhood in detail. After sitting for only a few minutes in his suit and tie, Trump became impatient and irritable. He looked fidgety, Schwartz recalls, “like a kindergartner who can’t sit still in a classroom.” Even when Schwartz pressed him, Trump seemed to remember almost nothing of his youth, and made it clear that he was bored. Far more quickly than Schwartz had expected, Trump ended the meeting.
bored, irritable, with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. all the shit that makes Donny impossible to deal with was already in place in the 1980s — and now you can throw advanced dementia into the mix.
this is the low-wattage stumblefuck who’s going to negotiate an end to the war in Ukraine? oh please. stop insulting our intelligence, JD.
oh wait, it seems Couchfuck isn’t finished thoroughly debasing himself. was there something more you wanted to get off your chest, my dude?
“what I admire about the president is he’s not trying to focus on every nitpicky detail of how this thing started three and a half year ago, he’s trying to focus on the nitpicky details of now.”
sigh.
RUSSIA STARTED AN UNPROVOKED WAR — but sure, let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who. it’s all too nitpicky.
hang on, here’s another Republican elbowing his way to the front of the self-humiliation line.
Margaret Brennan: “the president wants to buy a ten percent stake in Intel. that company says that now, basically, is going to have US taxpayers, as a shareholder, own ten percent. as a conservative, do you think the government should have ownership stakes in private companies?”
New York Rep Mike Lawler: “generally speaking, no … I think what the president is seemingly trying to do is get a return on these tens of billions of dollars that are being invested by US taxpayers into companies like Intel.”
seriously, Mike?
fact check: when the government owns the means of production, that’s literally a little thing we like to call State Socialism.
State socialism is a political and economic ideology within the socialist movement that advocates state ownership of the means of production.
which is a thing that Mike Lawler is definitely against, when he’s not for it.
“Zohran Mamdani’s push for government-owned grocery stores is straight out of the Marxist playbook, and history shows exactly how this experiment ends. New Yorkers deserve solutions, not socialist fantasies that have failed spectacularly every time they’ve been tried.”
so, socialism baaaaaaad, when Democrats suggest doing it, but goooood when Donny actually does it — and, when asked to square this doublethink, Lawler spews incomprehensible gibberish. basically, Dear Leader gets to do whatever he gets it in his deteriorating mind to do, because reasons.
this is our current nightmarish reality. America’s Mad King does something completely antithetical to decades of strict Republican dogma, and then we get to watch as an entire political party ties itself into knots trying to pretend that oh, absolutely, we’ve always been at war with Oceana.
if Donny farted out an executive order this very afternoon decreeing that everyone had to wear their underwear on their head, Republicans would be all over the Sunday shows with — you guessed it — underwear on their heads.
what a fucking time to be alive. lucky us.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Homemade Microwave Popcorn
Found while scouring the WayBack Machine for the old VoenixRising…
From November 2007:
Anyone who knows me will tell you that left to my own devices I’m a popcorn fiend. Unfortunately, over the past few years I’ve discovered that there’s something in commercially available microwave popcorn that causes me to break out in small pimples that waste no time turning into really ugly, open sores that take weeks to heal. Once I made the connection, I went cold turkey, only indulging in the salty, buttery goodness when I went to the movies.
Well, a few weeks ago I stumbled upon a recipe for home made microwave popcorn. I’d often wondered why you couldn’t just throw a bunch of popping corn into a paper bag and nuke it for a few minutes. Turns out that the process is almost that simple, and infinitely healthier for you than buying that commercial crap.
And guess what…no more breaking out!
Today, you will learn that which the huge food companies don’t want you to know. You will learn how simple and cheap it is to make your own microwave popcorn. Lets get started.
First you will need the following ingredients:
-
- 1/4 cup of popping corn (generally $0.99 for a pound bag. This is enough to make at least 50 bags of microwave corn)
- 1 Teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
- Popcorn salt to taste (it has finer granules than table salt with the same taste)
And the following tools:
-
- A stapler
- A teaspoon
- A measuring cup
- A brown paper bag, and—of course
- A microwave
Step One:
Measure out the popcorn and dump it into the paper bag. Carefully add salt and any additional seasonings you might want. Shake gently. Now add the teaspoon of olive oil.
Step Two:
Close the bag, folding it over twice. Secure with one stable in the middle of the fold. (Contrary to popular belief, staples will not arc in the microwave.) Shake the bag to evenly distribute the corn/oil/salt mixture. Place the bag, side down, in your microwave and nuke it until you hear the popping occurring at roughly 3-5 second intervals. (My microwave has a “popcorn” setting on the control panel. I find that is about fifteen seconds too long.) You might want to put a folded paper towel under the bag to soak up the oil that will seep through the bag.
Step Three:
Open the bag with care because steam will escape and you can get scalded. Pour into a bowl, serve and enjoy the taste and the knowledge that this heaping bag of microwave popcorn cost less than ten cents and isn’t full of unnecessary added chemicals and preservatives!
Released 49 Years Ago Today
I remember how…fresh…this was when it came out.
365 Days Of UNF: August 25th
The Rest Of The World Has Moved On
The United States may currently be rejecting science, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the world has. And it’s obvious they don’t need us.
[Source]
Tiedrich Sunday
it seems that America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector has grown tired of stalking Congress’ ladies rooms, waiting for women she deems insufficiently-feminine-looking to enter them, so she can point and scream and call attention to her own needy self.
Nancy Mace is looking for a new gig. she wants to pull that ‘show me your genitals’ shit in the bathrooms of South Carolina’s Executive Mansion — so she’s now running to be that state’s governor.
how Mace’s quest going? oh, just fucking swimmingly.
U.S. Rep. Nancy Mace (R-01) had advertised she would deliver a speech to more than 100 people in Myrtle Beach. Instead, eight people showed up. She canceled the speech and answered questions from reporters.
Mace was expected to deliver remarks focused on “protecting parental rights and advancing freedom in education” at the Moms for Liberty — Horry County Chapter meeting at Forward Church on Thursday, Aug. 21.
But when she walked into the room, and more chairs were empty than occupied. Plans seemingly changed.
holy shit, Nancy Mace — the Poster Girl for Transphobia — couldn’t get more than eight people to show up at a Moms for Liberty event?
you remember the Liberty Moms. they were hot shit a couple of years ago. these transphobic busybodies became the darlings of the right when they assigned themselves the job of policing America’s school libraries, making sure that little Sally and Jimmy didn’t get exposed to any subversive ideas — like, y’know, gay people should have basic human rights.
things started to go south for the Moms when they put an actual Hitler quote into the header of their newsletter.
decent people everywhere rightfully shit a brick over that — but instead of going ‘yeah, that’s crazy. what where we thinking?’, the Moms were genuinely mystified about all the fuss. what, so now it’s wrong to quote Hitler?
hings went further south when the Liberty Moms co-founder started showing up in an endless series of homemade sex tapes.
A second video has been recovered by police showing Bridget Ziegler, a cofounder of the conservative Moms for Liberty, engaging in sexual relations with a woman, sources said. It is not known if the woman in the video is the same woman who has alleged she was sexually assaulted by Christian Ziegler. Neither Christian nor Bridget Ziegler have responded to requests for comment from the Trident.
what a charming bunch of madcaps.
as I wrote at the time,
Brig apparently has an active and varied sex life — and hey, more power to her for that. no one should be shamed for what they do behind closed doors.
but the utter hypocrisy is off the charts — because that’s the fucking point here.
this busybody has made it her life’s work to tell other people how to live — to police other people’s bedrooms, and to publicly shame anyone who doesn’t conform to her cramped, hateful worldview.
when it comes to publicly shaming anyone who doesn’t conform to a cramped, hateful worldview, you would think that the Moms for Liberty and Nancy Mace would be a perfect fit. one wants to police what’s going in your kid’s book-bag, and the other wants to police what’s going on in your kid’s underwear.
but Nancy Mace couldn’t get more than eight of these hatemongers to show up — which doesn’t bode well for Nance’s gubernatorial aspirations.
it’s a thing we see play out all the time: the hubris of a clown who gets reelected over and over in their heavily-gerrymandered district thinking that it translates to state-wide popularity.
here’s Nancy Mace’s district, SC-1.
it’s a piece of cake to get elected as a Republican when your district has been so carefully engineered to marginalize Democratic voters that it now looks like a month-old fetus.
it’s entirely another story to convince voters across an entire state to vote for you — especially when you’re a performative-nonsense ninny more interested in making headlines than good policy.
here’s the South Carolina Governor’s Mansion.
there are 32 bathrooms in that sucker — and all of them are going to go un-monitored if Nancy Mace can’t even get nine transphobic extremists to show up for a campaign event.
by the way, when I tried to look up Nancy Mace’s district at Congress.govwhile writing this post, this is what I got:
acting-adjacent Hollywood found object Dean Cain recently switched professions.
he’s no longer a bitter never-was, spending his time complaining about not being able to get cast in roles. he’s now an official member of Kristi Noem’s deportation gestapo.
but don’t worry. Dean’s putting his almost-acting talent to good use. he’s the star of a new ICE training video — and it’s such a huge ball of holy shit that it has to be seen to be believed.
what the fuck did we just watch?
it’s basically an out-of-breath ball of pudge struggling to master a laughably-simple little obstacle course — and you’ve got to love the moment when Dean’s left leg gets stuck as he tries to vault that barrier.
let’s gif that shit and slow it way the fuck down.
your first thought has to be ‘is this a fucking joke?’ — did some out-of-shape goofball pretending to be Dean Cain make a parody video and put it online?
nope, it’s one hundred percent real. ICE even posted it up on Elon’s Nazi bar.
if that’s really the actual training that ICE is inflicting on all the psychos who are signing up because they’re so super fucking horny to tackle day laborers in a Home Depot parking lot, then I have the same question as this dude on Threads: how did these guys make it through the pipe?
did these two homeys join ICE because they were hoping someone would thow sandwiches at them?
but let’s talk about the production values of the Dean Cain training video — because there aren’t any. it looks like they spent about five dollars on it. what in the clownish name of Storm Trooper Jesus is this?
it’s great to know that if Dean Cain runs into any mannequins that have overstayed their visas, he’ll be prepared to fuck their shit seven ways from breakfast.
it’s all so pathetically amateurish.
I guess this is what happens when 99% of ICE’s budget goes to Kristi Noem’s hair, makeup and cosplay costuming.
the Dean Cain training film is barely one step up from those self-produced youtube videos where some Meal Team Six nitwit goes out in the middle of the woods — ostensibly to show off their marksmanship skills — and ends up hobbling around and screaming ‘I just fucking shot myself.’
have a great Sunday, everyone. no matter what you’re getting up to today, you’re probably having a better time than Nancy Mace and Dean Cain.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Age Gracefully
Sunday Sacrilege
Whoopsie!
#TRUTH
Just A Thought…
Oh, That I Could…
365 Days Of UNF: August 24th
29 Years Ago
This photo reminded me of a little road trip I took one Labor Day weekend…
Tuesday, 3 September 1996
Labor Day weekend draws to a close. I managed to extend mine by one day because I agreed to work on Saturday and Sunday a week ago. I was originally supposed to get both last Thursday and Friday off in exchange for my effort, but since I only actually worked about 8 hours over the whole weekend I didn’t feel right taking two days and it was obvious by Wednesday that the job I was involved with wasn’t going to get finished if I didn’t work at least part of the day on Friday, I opted instead for splitting the minute my work was finished on Friday (around 3 p.m.) and taking all of today off.
I did get out of town however, and it was a lot of fun. I’ve been wanting to see Mono Lake for the longest time, so I decided to pack an overnight bag and head over the mountains to see it. The trip entailed driving through Yosemite, a place I’d never really had any desire to visit. That immediately changed once I was in the park. Next time, Yosemite is going to be the end, instead of a means to an end. I can’t say how many times I rounded a corner and gasped, “Oh ma god!” It was absolutely incredible! I shot almost three rolls of film, and I didn’t even go down into Yosemite Valley. This will definitely require further investigation at a later date.
I was kind of disappointed with Mono Lake. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t what I encountered. I’d believed that most of the thing had already dried up, leaving miles and miles of “tufa” towers to explore. Not so. And I should have brought my swim trunks, because swimming was definitely allowed. Another “next time”, I suppose.
My original plans were to stay overnight in Lee Vining, the small town just to the west of the Lake. Well, when I got there, I didn’t exactly like the look of the place, and the Best Western looked way more expensive than what I wanted to spend, so I kind of left everything up in the air while I went out to explore the “tufa” at the southern part of the lake.
Several hours later, I decided I better start thinking about what I wanted to do about overnight accommodations. I looked in my Motel 6 guide, and discovered there was a place about 25 miles south in Mammoth Lakes. I drove down there only to discover that it was full. I returned to Lee Vining (it was around 6:30 at this point) and discovered that not only the Best Western, but all the motels in town were full. I called Michael and told him not to panic if he heard the garage door go up at 2 a.m.; I was heading home. The drive back was horrendous. Because of the fires in Yosemite, the first part of the trip was like driving through red fog. By the time I got past that area and onto highway 108 or whatever, it was nearly dark, and I was now faced with driving the next sixty or so miles on a road which consisted of continuous hairpins and switchbacks, limiting my top speed to around 25 miles per hour. Add to that, this was a road I was totally unfamiliar with.
If there is any place in California, however, where an alien abduction is possible, it’s on that road. I passed maybe five or six cars during the entire journey, and half expected to round a corner and see a UFO in the sitting in the middle of the road. Alas, no missing time, no UFOs. Not even so much as an anomalous light in the sky. Bummer, dude.
I did stop and pulled off at one point because the stars were screaming out at me. I got out, listened to the various sounds of the nighttime forest (hoping a bear wasn’t eyeing me as a midnight snack) and set up my camera and tripod. I snapped several time exposures of the sky.* I hope at least some of them will turn out, because it’s very hard to put into words the wonder of that experience. The Milky Way was out in force and the sky wasn’t even completely dark yet. Jupiter in the south in Sagittarius was like a beacon, and through binoculars, it’s moons were clearly visible.
After I finally got out of the mountains and back into “civilization” I stopped at McDonalds and grabbed a bite to eat around 11. I’d been driving almost non-stop for 14 hours at that point and I was beginning to feel very, very tired. I knew I had to do something if I expected to make it home and not kill myself and someone else on the road. It was just the break I needed, and I continued on my way much refreshed.
*I don’t know what had happened, but the roll of film these pictures were on was nowhere to be found . I know I rewound the film and removed the canister from the camera after I’d taken the photos and—so I thought—dropped it in my bag in the trunk. (It as so dark I didn’t actually see it go in, but I emptied the bag completely and tore the trunk apart when I got home and it was nowhere to be found.) All I can figure out is that I must’ve dropped it on the road, but I think I would’ve heard it hit the pavement if that had been the case.
Or maybe aliens abducted the film, but not me…
In any case, it remains one of the great mysteries of my life, and that’s why photos like the one above resonate so deeply with me because that’s exactly what the sky looked like on that dark, lonely mountain road.
It’s The Hypocrisy, Stupid!
Viva La Revolución
Another Excellent Series Killed Off By Netflix
Honestly, I don’t know why I even bother any more. It seems we find an excellent series on Netflix and as we’re finishing up season one, we check to see if it’s been renewed. Nope. Gone forever. And the final episode is—of course—a cliffhanger.
Case in point: KAOS.
From SCREENRANT:
Why Netflix Canceled Kaos After Only 1 Season
Season 1 had a generally favorable reception, with a 76% critic score and 83% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes. Many reviews praised the performances, including Goldblum’s depiction of Zeus, and applauded the series’ dark comedy and social satire. Kaos season 1’s endingbrought many of the storylines to a satisfying conclusion, but it also set the stage for a second season. Unfortunately, Kaos won’t be able to deliver on that promise, despite the series’ largely positive reviews.
Kaos Reportedly Didn’t Accumulate Enough Viewership Numbers After Premiering On Netflix
This Happened Despite An Impressive Run In Netflix’s Top 10 Chart
According to Variety, Kaos was canceled because it didn’t hit Netflix’s viewership benchmarks in the weeks following its August 29 debut. Kaos received the most views during the September 2-8 period — the show’s second week on Netflix — accumulating 5.9 million views and landing the third spot on Netflix‘s Global Top 10 chart. Kaos stayed in Netflix’s top 10 for four consecutive weeks before dropping out the week of September 23-29. However, this streak was deemed insufficient to renew Kaos for season 2.
Despite four consecutive weeks in the Global Top 10 and three consecutive weeks in the top five, Kaos‘ viewership did not reach the heights of some of the other series it was competing against. This included Nicole Kidman’s The Perfect Couple, which reached 21.9 million views in its second week; Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story, which garnered 19.5 million views in its second week; and Emily in Paris, with 11.5 million views in its fifth week. Netflix has become increasingly selective about the series it chooses to renew, requiring dominant streaming numbers to warrant continuing one.
Kaos’ Cancelation Continues A Disappointing Netflix Trend
Too Many Shows, Especially With Strong LGBTQIA+ Storylines, Have Been Canceled After One Season
Kaos‘ cancelation continues Netflix’s disappointing trend of canceling well-received series after a single season. The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, The Society, 1899, and Lockwood & Co. are among the many favorably reviewed series in recent years that have suffered similar fates. In the cases of 1899 and Kaos, they were both canceled less than two months after they debuted, with Netflix prematurely ending the shows before they could reach more audiences. Kaos‘ biggest unanswered questions and mysteries will now go unaddressed without the next stages of the rebellion against Zeus being shown.
Another disappointing trend continued by Kaos‘ cancelation is Netflix ending series featuring LGBTQIA+ storylines. From Caeneus (Misia Butler) being a transgender man to Charon (Ramon Tikaram) and Prometheus’ love story, queer representation was at the forefront of Kaos. Instead of continuing to tell a story with important representation, Netflix instead canceled Kaos, just as the streamer canceled I Am Not Okay With This, Uncoupled, Shadow and Bone, and other shows with prominent LGBTQIA+ storylines after one season.
What Kaos’ Cast & Crew Have Said About The Show’s Cancelation
Aurora Perrineau Shared An Emotional Message About It
Most of Kaos’ cast and crew have not publicly shared their thoughts on the show’s cancelation yet. However, on Instagram, Perrineau shared a heartfelt post in which she expressed her immense gratitude for playing Riddy and her disappointment at seeing the series canceled. Perrineau explained that the cancelation “hurts“ and that, while working on Kaos, she realized, “For one of the first times in my life, I have found myself really proud.” The actor also noted, “When I got cast, I couldn’t believe that someone SAW me. A girl who’s not only a minority but also a survivor of SA.”
View this post on Instagram
Perrineau went on emphasize, “We made something weird, dark, hilarious, deranged and absolutely tragic — something entirely human. THIS is a feeling I plan to take with me.” She had an active presence on social media after Kaos’ release and continually encouraged audiences to continue streaming it in order to make season 2 happen. Despite being one of 2024’s most creative, well-made, and entertaining series to watch, Kaos has become another victim of Netflix ending promising series after a single season.
I’m just happy we got the chance to experience what we did. It was truly an outstanding series, but we live in a time when only corporate profits matter. Not art, not storytelling, nothing more than the shareholders’ wallets.
Grandpa Takes A Poo
This…
Reminds me of this:
This Week In Stupid
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: tik me no toks
apparently, Donny Convict’s handlers got the bright idea to start up a tiktok account for Dear Leader — because these days, all the cool fascists musthave one.
here’s Donny’s first post. there’s no actual need to watch it. it’s twenty-seven seconds of who the fuck even cares.
instead, let’s take a look at what happened next: people started commenting.
and they commented some more.
they kept right on commenting — and all anyone wanted to talk about was Donny’s close, personal relationship with his dead pedo bestie.
as of right now, there are over 49,000 comments under that video. I’m guessing that about 48,945 of them are about you-know-what.
hey Donny, how’s your cover-up going? not well, I’d say.
uesday: I see dead voters
New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew has a wee bit of an ectoplasm problem.
“people who were passed away, these are real people. I spoke to large numbers of them.”
dude, I’m contractually obligated to ask: are these ‘large numbers of people whom you’ve spoken to who have passed away’ in the room with is right now? I’m guessing they are, and you’re the only one who can see them.
now, normally I’d be advising Rep. Van Drew to be dialing 1-800-GHOSTBUSTERS.
but I’m hearing that Kristi Noem’s conscripted them into ICE to help deport undocumented demons back to Carpathia.
wednesday: verily, I whine unto you
MAGA preacher Hank Kunneman has a bone to pick with his evidently unfaithful flock. he seems to have mortgaged himself up to his eyeballs on the expectation he’d be able to fleece his way out of it — and it ain’t happening.
“I’m not saying this to be mad. I’m saying this because I feel like I’m going to go to my advocate Jesus. I have $400,000 to pay — and the only reason I took a line of credit is that I could have this, and we wouldn’t have to wait, potentially— can you imagine still being in there, and this sanctuary done, and we don’t have the money to pay for the AV, so now we’ve got to sit there for a year, because that’s how long it would have taken. and I said, well, can I get a line of credit? I didn’t know what else to do. ‘shouldn’t have borrowed’? oh, well tell that to the prophet who said to the widow, go get some vessels, go get some vases, and borrow not a few.”
come on, widows, do a bro a solid. why the fuck aren’t you out there, rounding up those vessels, right now?
seriously, what’s the point of even being an evangelist if you can’t depend on the rubes to finance your obscenely opulent lifestyle?
oh, and that thing about the widows and the vessels? that’s from 2 Kings 4, where the Big Guy in the Sky commits a miracle in order to help a widow deal with her own debts. it’s not about underwriting the greed of some numb-nuts preacher who’s shit at grifting.
pray harder, bro.
thursday: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.
Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.
we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.
also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.
slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.
friday: a day in the life
on Friday, some fucking idiot meandered into the Oval Office. befuddled and disheveled, the fucking idiot wore a stupid hat and an even stupider expression.
he fucking idiot’s right hand was, as usual, all fucked to shit from god-knows-what procedure — because as usual, the fucking idiot’s health is a huge State Secret.
the fucking idiot proudly showed off a photo of the despot bestie whose warm embrace he so desperately pines for.
“I’m going to sign this for him. I was sent one. I thought you’d all like to see it. it’s a man named Vladimir Putin, who I believe will be coming, depending on what happens. he may be coming and he may not. depending on what happens. we have a lot of things happening over the next couple of weeks. but I thought it was a nice picture. of him. okay of me, but nice of him. so that was very nice that it was sent.”
the fucking idiot blithered about gold.
“you see the way this is looking? look. I can’t tell you how much that gold costs, a lotta money. there’s nothing like gold and there’s nothing like solid gold, but this, this beautiful office needed it.”
the fucking idiot then hallucinated about ‘beautiful African-American ladies’ who are begging him to come to Chicago and do a fascism.
“Chicago is a mess. and we’ll straighten that one out probably next … African Americans ladies, beautiful ladies, are saying ‘please President Trump, come to Chicago.’”
the fucking idiot then wandered over to the Kennedy Center, where he gibbered incoherently about ‘the cubes with the doors.’
“they built these rooms nobody’s gonna use. rooms underground. and I’ve often wondered what are the big cubes they have outside that block the view. the cubes with the door in them so that people can get down to rooms that nobody is going to use. and it’s a shame. it’s a shame.”
and then the fucking idiot blithered about ‘these cubes’ a second time.
“I can’t use bad language, but it’s been so badly run. and they built these cubes outside, these cubes. and there’s stairways that go down to little rooms that nobody uses. it’s so crazy what they did. they spend hundreds of millions of dollars. it’s like throwing money out the window. they built cubes. all it does is block off the view. you know, they go down to little stages, but nobody uses them. and we’re taking care of our big, beautiful stages that people really want.”
and the fucking idiot didn’t get 25th Amendmented on the spot. how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Released 43 Years Ago Today
Yaz: Upstairs At Eric’s (1982)
365 Days Of UNF: August 23rd
Hot Dogs!
Boys Will Be Boys
