Author: Mark Alexander

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Did you remember to poop before midnight? You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into 2022.

Old age comes at a bad time. When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything you know.

I’ve been on that new margarita diet for a week.
– Really? What have you lost so far?
My drivers’ license.

Do you know what 50 cent did when he got hungry?
58.

Not to brag but I can always tell when the dinosaurs in movies are fake.

Son: Daddy, I keep hearing noises in my closet. I think there’s a monster in there.
Dad: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other bedroom?

Son: Dad, there’s a small get together tomorrow at school.
Dad: Small get together? How Small?
Son: Me, you, and the principal.

My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make a sarcastic comment.

I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.

I’m an adult and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.
I wish someone would take this power away from me.

Q: People who haven’t had Covid, what’s your secret?
A: Being a vaccinated introvert.

Autocorrect made me say things I didn’t nintendo.

My cousin in Melbourne sent me over a crate of kangaroo flavored beer. You can taste the hops.

My kids liked smooth peanut butter. They called Crunchy “Jeffrey Dahmer peanut butter”.

Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far.

Mount Rushmore, before it was carved, had unpresidented natural beauty.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous.
Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
They let me out this morning!

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it’s a policeman. “What’s going on here?” asks the officer. “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

I helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said, “I could marry you!” I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

I see Ivermectin trending again so that’s heartworming.

It’s OK for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up. But when I do it, I’m antisocial.

The first thing the new hire did was fix a bug that’s been bugging him forever as a user prior to him hiring on.
He then breathed a sigh of relief and submitted his two weeks notice.

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is OK because the sin of pi is always zero.

How much time do you spend thinking about keeping a cardboard box because it’s a really good box?

You thought you went mute-fart-unmute but you were already muted so you went unmute-fart-mute and all they heard was silence, a fart, and then silence again.

Beware of a new E-bay scam. I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry and they sent me a new computer instead.

My mouth waters when I smell steak.
I wonder if the same thing happens to vegans when they mow the lawn.

A blacksmith is training his new apprentice. Getting to know the boy’s skills, the blacksmith asks, “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
The apprentice replies, “No, but I did once tell a donkey to fuck off.”

Two ducks are flying south for the winter when an Air Force jet flies overhead.
One duck says to the other, “Did you see that? Jeez, he was moving.”
The other duck says, “I bet you would too if you had two assholes and both were on fire.”

There’s this actor, Marty, in his 50s living in L. A. who’s never had his big break. One day, his agent calls him. “Marty, you’re not gonna believe it. I got you a part. It’s on Broadway. It’s just one line, but it’s a huge play. And you’re on tomorrow night.”
Marty says, “This is great. What’s the line?”
The agent says, “Hark! I hear the cannons roar.”
Marty agrees to the part, and he’s thrilled. He gets to the airport and starts running the line out loud over and over again all the way to New York. “Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar.” All the way to the theater he runs the line. He gets to the theater, goes backstage, waits for his cue. He runs onstage and hears the cannon. BOOM! And he screams, “What the fuck was that?”

What’s the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?
The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

I’m tweeting from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctor said I’ll be OK.
Be advised, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very deceiving name.

If I’m up at midnight on New Year’s Eve it’s because I have to pee. OR, because I’m not done checking out everything on the internet.

tRUMP is going to try to get out of his liability with his lie ability.

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