Mark Alexander – Page 603

“Neither was I until I got head from a guy.”

July 25, 2021

“Why Do We Fuck in the Bushes at Night?”

Vito Russo and Larry Kramer asking a very important question in the late 1970s,

July 25, 2021July 25, 2021

Stolen Jokes

Did you realize that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it’s the same shit, different day?

I’m good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend until the LSD wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.

As a kid, did you ever knock on people’s doors and run away before they could answer? Well, guess what, UPS is hiring.

My employer is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it may be me.

Him: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane.
Her: My God, imagine if it had been a small child.
Him: I could have fought off a small child.

At the end of WW2, Ian Fleming – who later wrote the James Bond books – was working at Bletchley Park and then was put in charge of searching for and capturing the Nazi rocket scientists before the Russians could get to them. Each morning he would wake up, untangle the knotted leads to his earphones by shaking them hard then walk down the garden path to his Aston Martin, avoiding the dog shite in the grass by the road. He had a mnemonic for doing these tasks: Shaken knots, turd.

I’m looking for the book Ventriloquism for Dummies.

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart.
Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don’t recognize.

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I suspect it was probably a printer.

If any of you non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a good brownie recipe.

Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “skip intro” when they start talking to you.

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July 25, 2021