Author: Mark Alexander

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Tell Us Something We Didn’t Know

From Mock Paper Scissors:

In news of News We Already Knew, The Guardian tells us that, yeah, Comrade Putin did want Comrade Trump to win the 2016 Goat Rodeo because: D’uh.

Vladimir Putin personally authorised a secret spy agency operation to support a “mentally unstable” Donald Trump in the 2016 US presidential election during a closed session of Russia’s national security council, according to what are assessed to be leaked Kremlin documents….

They agreed a Trump White House would help secure Moscow’s strategic objectives, among them “social turmoil” in the US and a weakening of the American president’s negotiating position.

Russia’s three spy agencies were ordered to find practical ways to support Trump, in a decree appearing to bear Putin’s signature.

But why Lord Damp Nut?

There is a brief psychological assessment of Trump, who is described as an “impulsive, mentally unstable and unbalanced individual who suffers from an inferiority complex”.

There is also apparent confirmation that the Kremlin possesses kompromat, or potentially compromising material, on the future president, collected – the document says – from Trump’s earlier “non-official visits to Russian Federation territory”.

The paper refers to “certain events” that happened during Trump’s trips to Moscow. Security council members are invited to find details in appendix five, at paragraph five, the document states. It is unclear what the appendix contains.

And sadly that is where it ends, so no Russian Pee Hookers… yet.

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Passing on Some Jokes

A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. His condition was listed as stable.

Always support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

I had sex with my second cousin, and now it’s really awkward. I should have learned my lesson with the first one.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

I’m thinking of killing off a few characters in the book I am writing. It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

What’s the difference between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point. (Only one of them is likely to be sharp.)

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, “Would you like my opinion on your work?” “Yes,” says the artist. “It’s worthless,” says the critic. The artist replies, “I know, but tell me anyway.”

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.

If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who’s the first to realize they’re full of shit? The room.

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives? Texas.

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A Little Humor

So I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, ‘It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!’

Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don’t get offers like that every day.”

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