Author: Mark Alexander

pinch me, I’m dreaming.

Comer Fudd — the banjo kid from Deliverance who somehow grew up to chair the House Oversight Committee — is at it again.

Congress’ rake-steppingest glutton for punishment is fucking livid right now.

Joe Biden is old? why didn’t anyone tell me that Joe Biden is old? this does not happen on my watch. we’re gonna git to the bottom of this.

“at the end of the day, we may demand that he had to come in and uh answer questions. and uh they could refuse to do that. so I’m gonna announce on your show tonight that he will receive a subpoena tomorrow, Dr. O’Connor will be the first person to receive an official subpoena. we’re serious about these people coming in, so now he’s gonna hafta come in and do a full-blown deposition as opposed to a transcribed interview.”

ooooooh, an official subpoena. so much scarier than an unofficial subpoena.

oh my god, this ass-clown is really going to go there. he’s going to try to blow up an 82-year-old former president’s cancer diagnosis into a scandal.

here’s what I say: go ahead. make our day.

here we go again. for four years, Comer Fudd and his partner in idiocy, the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan, wasted the entire country’s time on an endless series of hearings into the imaginary crimes of Joe Biden — and the only thing the Jimmies ever really proved was that Hunter Biden is the owner of a freakishly ginormous trouser snake.

so now, Comer Fudd’s going to drag Joe Biden’s doctor, Kevin O’Connor, into some interrogation room, shine the brights lights on him, and give him the third degree.

out with it, pal. how old is Joe Biden? how old? HOW OLD???

for fuck’s sake, there’s no scandal here. Joe Biden developed a rare, fast-growing, aggressive cancer. it happens. it’s a tragedy, not a scandal.

let’s assume, however, for the sake of argument, that the diaper-fillers and the finger-pointers are correct — that Joe Biden developed this cancer during his presidency and kept it a secret. somebody please explain how it’s a scandal. explain it to me like I’m five years old, because I’m just not getting it. so fucking what? did it change the course of history? absolutely not.Biden dropped out of the race, and the Democrats lost the presidency, the House and the Senate.

you’d think that literally winning everything would be enough for these fuckface shitweasels — but no, it’s not enough. they have to kick Joe Biden when he’s down — because they’re psychopaths, and, as always, cruelty is the point.

look, you creeps — you want a realscandal to investigate? here you go: there is a president right now in the Oval Office whose brain has quite obviously gone fuckity-bye. we know jack shit about his health.we’ve never ever seen one actual medical report on the overweight 78-year-old who never exercises, lives on a diet of junk food, and brags about being able to point to the drawing of a camel.

how about someone subpoena Mad King Donny’s doctor and ask him how an allegedly blown-to-bits ear magically grows back with no scarring in less than a week’s time. I’d really fucking love to know how that’s possible.

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Comer Fudd is hoping to depose Dr. O’Connor behind closed doors, because then he can lie about what was said, just as he did over and over during his farcical attempts to impeach Biden.

but I’m hoping that a closed-door session doesn’t satisfy Comer. I’m rooting for Comer to announce public hearings, because the country could really use a good laugh right now.

we need a round of good-old clownfucktacular hearings like we had all through Biden’s presidency, where an unprepared Comer got repeatedly dick-punched by Democrats like Jasmine Crockett and Jared Moskowitz.

let’s saunter down memory lane. remember this, from September 2023?

“but when we start talking about things that look like evidence, they want to act like they blind. they don’t know what this is. these are our national secrets, looks like in the shitter to me. this looks like more evidence of our national secrets, on a stage at Mar-a-Lago. … I could go on, but he’s got 91 counts pending right now. but I will tell you what President Biden has been guilty of: loving his child unconditionally, and that is the only evidence that they have brought forward, and honestly, I hope and pray that my parents love me half as much as he loves his child. until they find some evidence, we need to get back to the peoples’ work, which means keeping this government open so that people don’t go hungry in the streets of the United States, and I will yield.”

or how about this, from March 2024

Moskowitz: “I just think we should do it today. let’s just call for it. I’ll make the motion, Mr. Chairman, I want to help you out. you can second it, right? I make the motion to impeach President Biden. go ahead. your turn. you can second it.”
Comer: “gggyyyy”
Moskowitz: “no. nothing. ok, we got nothing. so, with my last couple of minutes, I want to show the American people that they’re never going to impeach Joe Biden. it’s never going to happen. because they don’t have the evidence. ok? this is a show. it’s all fake.”

“no evidence” — that’s why Comer Fudd always came out of those dog-and-pony shows looking like a damned fool. he never had any evidence. just a feeling that Joe Biden is guilty of crimes because of course Joe Biden is guilty of crimes.no, Jimmy, that’s not how it works. that’s not how any of this works. if you make an accusation, you back it up with evidence.

and now, Comer’s going to make all those same mistakes all over again. because once again, he has no evidence that Joe Biden covered up his cancer diagnosis. just feelings.

come on, Comer. hold some hearings. you know you want to.

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and now, in related — but no less stupid — news, look at this supreme bit of fucknuttery.

In an executive order, Mr. Trump put the power and resources of the federal government to work examining whether some of Mr. Biden’s presidential actions were legally invalid because his aides had enacted those policies without his knowledge.

Donny is hella mad about all the preemptive pardons that Biden issued to Donny’s enemies, because now he can’t go after General Milley or Dr. Fauci for their imaginary crimes. so Donny’s convinced himself that all those pardons are invalid because Biden didn’t actually sign them himself.

yeah, no. there’s no ahem evidence that Biden’s aides pulled any of that kind of shit, but so what? Donny doesn’t need evidence. like Comer Fudd, Donny has feelings.

there’s no evidence that Joe Biden was executed in 2020 and replaced by a robot, but that didn’t stop Donny from posting exactly that on his failing app

so, let’s recap. the current entity pretending to be Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancer. and, on top of that, the BidenBot5000™ is so demented that his handlers were able to sign documents without his knowledge.

does Donny ever listen to any of the crap that oozes out of his rancid anus-mouth?

by the way, here’s a fact check. presidential pardons don’t need to be signed. there’s nothing in the Constitution that requires it. this whole fucking obsession of Donny’s is just one more waste of everyone’s time.

all this batshittery is ludicrous, but it serves a purpose. it functions as a distraction, meant to take the public’s eye off the ‘big beautiful bill’ that guts Medicaid in order to hand our oligarch overlords another round of extravagant tax cuts.

it’s also a distraction from Donny’s own absymal failings as a president, and a human being.

hey, is anyone in the mood for a taco right now?