365 Days Of UNF: June 3rd
Priceless
SLAVA UKRAINI!
Monday Madness
that’s a doozie of a headline, isn’t it? I promise, we’re going to get to it. but first, we need to talk about Mad King Donny’s Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard.
you see, Tulsi has a wee bit of a problem. it seems her boss is a cognitively-impaired old fuckwit whose brain left the station ages ago.
I know, right? that’s the entire world’s problem, not just Tulsi’s — but here’s how working for an erratic imbecile with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel is affecting Tulsi’s ability to do her job: she can’t get Donny to even look at his daily intel briefing. so she’s been trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.
President Donald Trump’s intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information.
how surreal is it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — has become the voice of sanity regarding national security? folks, that’s how far down the fucking rabbit hole we’ve fallen.
obviously, ‘making it more aligned with how he likes to consume information’is not a new problem. all during the Mad King’s first reign, his staffers had to pretty much trick him into reading his daily brief. they dumbed that shit down until it was just bullet points and pictures, and they’d be all look, Donny! it’s a photo of you with words underneath. can you read what those words say about you?
imagine having to treat a person in command of a nuclear arsenal as if he were a colicky baby. now imagine reelecting him. what the fuck, America?
here’s the perplexing pickle Tulsi finds herself in during the second reign of the Mad King: Donny’s brain has puddingfied to the point where even simple bullet points and photos are too complicated for the deteriorating old coot to deal with.
on top of that, Donny seems unclear on the concept of a daily brief. most days, he just waves it away. Tulsi walks into the room and he’s all get that thing away from me, for fuck’s sake, I’m watching myself on TV.
Since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week.
now, because Tulsi is a sewer clown, she’s come up with the most sewerclowntastic solution to her problem:
One idea that’s been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that’s made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast.
I don’t know about you, but I’m loving this idea! the whole government is already an extension of Fox News. right now there are no fewer than twenty-three former Fox bobbleheads working for Donny.
our Secretary of Defense is a chat-show host who doubled as the buffoon they’d send out to Times Square to get piss-drunk on New Year’s Eve.
a tipsy fake TV judge is now the Attorney for DC.
so let’s go all-in. let’s turn the entire government into one big Fox studio. over at the Pentagon, Pete Kegstand already has his own makeup studio — so we’re almost there, right?
but wait — how about if Tulsi just put TV over her head and pretended to be Fox News?
think of all the money that would be saved. now that’s efficiency in government!
perhaps Tulsi should be putting Donny’s intel briefing into his Truth Social feed — but maybe it’s too late even for that. Mad King Donny is apparently already getting his daily briefings from QAnon.
(hey, I told you we’d be getting to the headline.)
look at this fever-swamp lunacy that Donny posted over the weekend.
There is no #JoeBiden – executed in 2020.
#Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see.
#Democrats dont know the difference.
nothing to see here, right? just the president of the United States endorsing a QAnon trope that Joe Biden got snuffed years ago — and the dude we saw in the Oval Office was a robot the whole time. perfectly normal stuff.
let’s consider the double triple quadruple-think at work here.
according to Donny — and, by extention, MAGA — Joe Biden is the mastermind of an entire crime family that regularly shakes down world leaders to the tune of millions of dollars. and the whole time he’s been doing this, he’s been a drooling demented mess who no longer has any clue which end is up. ok, that makes perfect sense, right?
now, let’s slather on top of that the fact that real Joe Biden was executed (by who?) years ago and was replaced by a robot. which means that someone purposely constructed a malfunctioning crime-robot with dementia.
and, on top of all of that, now the robot has cancer — which is just fine with Donny. he doesn’t feel sorry for the malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia, because it’s a vicious malfunctioning crime-robot who does vicious things.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
to recap, Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia who does vicious things.
ohhhhhkay, President Pudding Cup. let’s get you to bed.
here’s another perfectly normal thing our perfectly normal president did this weekend: he threw a shitfit because no one told him about his new nickname.
Donny is fucking pissed that he had to find out from a reporter that Wall Street is mocking him.
but look at it from the standpoint of a White House staffer: do you want to be the one to tell an erratic rage-monkey that TACO stands for Trump Always Chickens Out? of course you don’t. so you’re fucked if you do and you’re fucked if you don’t. keep Donny in the loop, or hide the bad news from Donny — either way, you’re going to end up with a ketchup bottle chucked at your head.
at this point, why would anyone want to work for Mad King Donny? it’s a loser’s game. the only winning move is not to play.
buckle in, it’s only Monday. this is going to be a long week.
“Fine Art Prints”
365 Days Of UNF: June 2nd
Vomiting It All Up, Sunday Evening Edition
Wisdom Of The Shire
All Boxes Checked
Key characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath:
Narcissistic traits:
Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
Need for admiration: Constantly seeking attention and praise.
Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others.
Sociopathic traits:
Disregard for rules and laws: They may be indifferent to the consequences of their actions.
Manipulative behavior: They may lie, cheat, and exploit others for their own gain.
Lack of remorse: They may not feel guilt or regret for hurting others.
Happy Pride Month!
From Mock Paper Scissors:
This month is the 10th anniversary of the U.S. Supreme Court’s Obergefell v. Hodgesruling, which recognized same-sex marriage nationwide.
Everything might seem fragile right now, with constitutional and civic rights under attack, and the barbarians and theocrats at the gates. But remember that once upon a time, before MAGA seized power, we were on the verge of great changes, bringing us closer to that perfect union.
We can be there again.
Never, ever give up hope. And never, ever give up fighting the good fight. None of us are free until all of us are free.
Sunday Sacrilege
Released 40 Years Ago Today
A-Ha: Hunting High And Low (1985)
It’s Heeeeere!
365 Days Of UNF: June 1st
Mars In The Loop
Image Credit & Copyright: Tunc Tezel (TWAN)
Now Class…can you tell me why all the planets appear to go backward (retrograde) on occasion?
Saturday Yokes
What if your first name was Holden and your last name was Berries. You’d be Holden Berries and everyone would think you’re holden berries.
A guy named Holden Cox didn’t think this was funny.
An influencer who attended tRUMPs meme coin dinner says he got a Walmart steak and no access to the president.
Wow, he got scammed by the most famous scammer on Earth at the scam meeting? Who could have seen this coming?
I wish Facebook would notify me when someone unfriends me so I could like it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Why do we say ‘slept like a baby’? Babies wake up every two hours crying. I want to sleep like my cat.
14 hours, no responsibilities.
If you’re attracted to both women and men but neither of them are attracted to you that means you are
Bi-Yourself.
It’s probably hard to separate church and state when you can’t separate fact from fiction.
Sign: Groj sale
My guess is there will be no books at this one.
If a Toucan can does that mean a Onecan shouldn’t be allowed to try? Or is it illegal for one of them to even try?
Sign:
Kansas City welcomes 25 million people anally.
What’s wrong with society these days?
No one drinks from the skull of their enemies anymore.
The Ratio of an Igloo’s Circumference to its Diameter…
Eskimo Pi.
Do crabs think fish are flying?
Counselor to husband: Do you feel dominated by your wife.
Wife: No, he doesn’t.
What do you call a Knight that’s afraid to fight?
Sir Render.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Balloons are weird.
Happy Birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.
Sign: The Pony Strip Club
Now hiring class of 2025
A penny for your thoughts…
even though that does seem a little pricy.
“No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot.” – Mark Twain
[source]
Caption This
The Week In Stupid
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: sticker shock
folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.
here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.
oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?
no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.
oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.
of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.
so there was no damage?
well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?
sorry. tell me what happened next.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —
— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.
wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.
yeah, that’s pretty much it.
I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.
tuesday: what rhymes with crapper
Jake Tapper’s relentless promotion of his Biden hit-job continues. look at the self-satisfied glee with which he delivers the line he no doubt practiced in the mirror for hours.
“it is a scandal. it is without question — and maybe even worse than Watergate in some ways, because Richard Nixon was in control of his faculties when he wasn’t drinking.”
first of all: fuck off, Jake.
second of all: fuck all the way off, Jake.
no, the alleged cover-up of an allegedly impaired president is notworse than Richard Nixon sending a band of thugs to break into Democratic National Headquarters to steal everything that wasn’t nailed down. how fucking dare you smirk while these imbecilic words leak out of your face-hole.
hey, let’s fast forward to the end of the week, because we could all use a little schadenfreude right now. oh look — Tapper’s book is an embarrassing failure.
Biden’s book, “Original Sin,” with Alex Thompson has had more publicity than any book of recent memory thanks to CNN’s collaboration. But now come the disappointing sales. 53,737 print units sold, per Circana BookScan for the first week.
By comparison: Bob Woodward’s book “Fear: Trump in the White House” sold 1.1 million copies in its first week.
ohhh. too bad, so sad, Jake. sucks to be you. here, have some tiny violin.
for the rest of us, it’s Snoopy dance!
wednesday: dare to be an idiot
hey, remember last year, when Vivek Ramaswamy was a thing for about fifteen minutes, and then everyone was all yeah, fuck no and quickly forgot all about him?
well, Vivek’s back, baby — and he’s got the solution to our national debt. check out this brilliant idea: the whole fucking thing would disappear in a heartbeat if everybody would just choose to be a billionaire!
“we’re going to have to have the courage to take on independence from the federal entitlement state. that’s what we actually need to be talking about, and I personally believe that everything else ends up being a distraction of dealing with this national debt issue. as the question of how are we going to start with a generation of Americans who hopefully become so wealthythat they don’t need the federal entitlement state.”
everyone should just become a billionaire! it’s that fucking easy.it’s a solution so obvious, I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before now. just choose to be rich! and you don’t even have to think up a new way to do it. just do what Vivek did, and enrich yourself through fraud and stock manipulation.
look, I have a simpler solution: why don’t we just grind up half the poors and feed them to the other poors?
if it was good enough for Jonathan Swift, then it’s good enough for America.
thursday: we’re all going to whaaaaat?
Iowa Senator and pig-castration aficionado Joni Ernst held a town hall this week — and like so many Republicans, she encountered a buzzsaw of angry voters demanding to know why social programs were being gutted so that gazillionaires could get another round of tax cuts.
unlike others in the GOP, however, Joni maintained her cool. after she told a bunch of lies about how the real problem is “illegals” receiving Medicaid benefits (fact check: they don’t, because they can’t), the crowd started shouting “PEOPLE WILL DIE.”
no biggie, countered Joni, because—
“well, we all are going to die.”
wait, what? why am I just hearing about this now?
my my, aren’t we fucking philosophical, Joni.
of course, some of us will die in bed, surrounded by our loved ones, and some of us will die face down in the gutter because we can’t afford medical care — but does any of that really matter? because in the end, we’re all just expired meat, right?
it’s a wise old saying: elect a bunch of psychopath clowns, get a psychopath circus.
do you think that’s what Joni said to those hogs, as she was lopping off their balls? ‘don’t worry about this, we’re all going to die.’
friday: ugh, this fucking guy
why the hell would any of our worthless scribblers bother asking the doughy pantload in the Oval Office to comment on Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis? yet, that’s exactly what someone did — and Little Donny Fuckface did not disappoint.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
oh. my. fucking. god. stay classy, you malodorous piece of shit.
at the risk of repeating myself for the umpteenth time, the first reporter to stand up and ask “what the fuck is wrong with you” should get a lifetime Pulitzer.
imagine that any Democrat said they didn’t feel sorry for a cancer-stricken Republican. it would be the immediate end to their political career — but for Donny, it’s just another Friday. not a single mention in The New York Times. ditto the Washington Post.
hey, Jake Tapper, any interest in writing a book on the hideous pile of dung currently befouling the White House?
awesome job, Jake.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
Truth!
365 Days Of UNF: May 31st
And With That, I Bid You All Good Night
Who Knew?
Goes For Labradoodles Too
Otherworldly
Friday Madness
the news is moving at warp speed these days, because of fucking course it is. we live in the shittiest possible timeline, so why should any of us get to catch our breaths for five minutes?
two quick things happened yesterday, after the US Court of International Trade ruled that Donny Convict’s incoherent tariffs were unconstitutional as fuck and blocked them.
first, a second court blocked Donny’s tariffs.
A second federal court blocked the bulk of President Trump’s tariffs on Thursday, ruling he cannot claim unilateral authority to impose them by declaring emergencies over trade deficits and fentanyl.
and then, before any of us had a chance to cheer that win, a federal appeals court temporarily reinstated the tariffs.
A federal appeals court on Thursday temporarily delayed Wednesday’s court order blocking President Donald Trump’s tariffs, reinstating them at least for the time being.
The United States Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit issued an administrative stay of the decision while it considers Trump’s appeal.
welcome to life in the shittiest possible timeline. this is why we can’t have nice things.
nonetheless, Republicans spent the day power-loading an endless series of diapers while blubbering about how it wasn’t fair of lunatic Marxist judges to block Dear Leader’s agenda.
look at Jailbird Pete Navarro. he’s so mad, he’s about to punch his head through a wall.
Navarro: “and with respect to the legal arguments themselves, these are rogue judges that are basically operatin—”
Fox: “one was appointed by Donald Trump. that’s a rogue judge?”
Navarro: “there was one appointed by Donal—”
Fox: “and one by Reagan.”
Navarro: “more importantly—”
Republicans want you to believe that Donny’s unconstitutional barrage of executive orders are being blocked by some evil fucktangle of commie rat-bastard Democratic judges. um, no. Democracy Docket crunched the numbers and found almost as many Republican-appointed judges are smacking down Donny as Democratic ones.
The Trump administration has lost a shocking 96% of rulings in federal district courts so far this month, according to a recent analysis by Adam Bonica, a professor of political science at Stanford.
Bonica’s data indicates that judges across the ideological spectrum are ruling against Trump at similar rates. He’s lost in 72% of rulings issued by Republican-appointed judges and 80% of rulings by Democratic-appointed judges.
first of all, wow. 96% of all rulings in May went against Donny. but look at that stunning second set of numbers: 72% of Republican judges who were tasked with dealing with Donny’s dumbfuckery ruled overwhelmingly that he’s not the messiah. he’s a very naughty boy.
look, I have three words for all these hypocritical Republican diaper-loaders whining about activist judges: Matthew Fucking Kacsmaryk.
Judge Kacsmaryk is a district judge in the United States District Court for the Northern District of Texas. he was appointed by Donny in 2017, he’s as MAGA as they come — and he’s the go-to guy whenever Republicans decide that some Democratic policy needs to go fuckity-bye.
wingnuts looking for a predetermined outcome will file suits in Matthew Kacsmaryk’s jurisdiction, because he’s a right-wing Federalist Society shitiologue who is always happy to ignore facts or precedent or law, and rule whichever way they tell him to.
Kacsmaryk is not a judge. he’s not weighing facts and making judgements. Kacsmaryk is a foregone conclusionist. he already knows in advance how he’s going to rule.
so all these Republicans whining about activist Democrat judges can to go fuck off all the way to Fuckoffistan — and then they get there, they can just keep fucking off until they get to Mars. say hello to the Space Nazi for us.
with the lower courts kicking the crap out of Mad King Donny’s agenda, does the White House press corps smell blood in the water? it looks like they’re actually starting to rouse from their slumbers do their jobs. Fox News lapdog Peter Doocy actually commits a journalism and asks Karoline Lie-vitt a perfectly reasonable question: why doesn’t Donny simply work within that system that’s already stacked in his favor?
“so the courts are basically telling you guys they think the White House’s policy, the president’s policies, are in some way against the law. why can’t President Trump ask the Republicans that control the House and the Republicans that control the Senate just to make a new law?”
Karoline completely whiffs her response.
“well, these laws have already been granted to the president by the Constitution.”
bzzt! wrong answer.
no, laws have not already been granted Dear Leader by the Constitution. that’s the whole reason that he’s lost 96% of his court battles.
cut the bullshit, Karoline. the real reason Donny doesn’t work with Congress to pass laws is because that would require Donny to do actual presidenting — and Donny doesn’t want to do any of that shit. it’s too hard. he’s not going to pick up a phone, or waddle down to Congress and meet with GOP leadership to haggle out a strategy. are you fucking crazy? come on, that’s time he could be spending watching himself on TV, or cheating at golf.
Donny just wants to preen for the cameras, and play-act the role of a king.
he would much rather spend half an hour chicken-scratching his psychotic signature on whatever executive orders Stephen Miller has drafted for him, another half-hour mouth-farting inanities at the press, and then go back to fucking off for the rest of the day.
doing actual work? oh please, that shit’s for losers.
speaking of Donny, check out his latest batshit Truth Social post, which has to be seen to be believed.
oh dear. Mad King Donny has fucking lost it. this might be the craziest thing he’s ever posted.
Donny is hella mad at the judges who ruled against him — and look who he blames for all his troubles: Leonard Fucking Leo.
“I was new to Washington, and it was suggested that I use The Federalist Society as a recommending source on Judges. I did so, openly and freely, but then realized that they were under the thumb of a real ‘sleazebag’ named Leonard Leo, a bad person who, in his own way, probably hates America, and obviously has his own separate ambitions. He openly brags how he controls Judges, and even Justices of the United States Supreme Court — I hope that is not so, and don’t believe it is! In any event, Leo left The Federalist Society to do his own “thing.””
this is all the proof you need that nobody is safe from the wrath of Mad King Donny. he’ll turn on literally anybody. Donny should be kissing the feet of Leonard Leo. no one has done more to make sure Donny eternally escapes consequences. Leonard Leo is the prime reason there were five corrupt bought-and-paid-for Federalist Society justices on the Supreme Court all too happy to rule that Donny is a Very Special Boy Who Gets To Do All The Crimes He Wants.
that’s Leonard Leo’s doing. he spent years working to make sure that America’s entire judiciary leans hard to the right — but because one particular ruling went the wrong way, Leonard Leo is now an unperson.
off with his head!
hey, don’t you just love the way Donny ends his posts now?
“Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
who is Donny talking to? God? Zippy the Pinhead?
it’s hard to believe we were ever this happy, but it was one year ago today that a jury found Donny Convict guilty as fuck.
as I wrote at the time,
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
seriously, fuck that guy.
here’s your hero of the day: graphic designer Tom Adelsbach, who created this masterpiece. enjoy.
Home
SO. MUCH. PROJECTION.
Released 41 Years Ago Today
Tina Turner: Private Dancer (1984)
This One Took A LOT Of Work And It’s Still Not 100%
At least the number of fingers on each hand is correct.
But the AI kept wanting to give Castiel multiple arms:
Or worse.
I mean c’mon…I know he’s an angel, but…seriously?!
Vomiting It All Up
