Author: Mark Alexander

…you can ignore the entire previous week’s worth of emails regarding the system changes that were scheduled to occur this past weekend because they were from I.T. (and email from I.T. always get ignored because you’re “too busy” anyway) and then bitch loudly when you arrive on Monday and lock yourself out of your account because “no one told you” this was happening.

I.T. is here for only one reason: to enable and encourage your ongoing stupidity, because, well, that’s what we have to do and if we called you the absolute fucking ignorant pampered assholes that you actually are to your faces, we’d get fired.

Apparently my company recently lost out on a acquiring a rather large client—that we were ill-equipped to take on in the first place—so the finger pointing has started. And instead of finding fault in themselves, the brain trust that runs this place has decided it is easier to blame the employees. Again. Quelle surprise.

As we begin 2013, we need your help in keeping the [Company Name] office organized, clean and clutter free.  Our overall message to clients, brokers and other visitors should be that we are a professional organization that operates efficiently, utilizing paperless technology where possible.  Please stop and take a look around your work area to make sure that the appearance of your area enforces this message.  Please focus on the following areas: 

• As always, we continue to struggle to keep the carpets clean.  Due to the high cost of frequent carpet cleaning, we are requiring all employees to use a lid on drinks at all times.  [Company Name] provided covered insulated travel cups to all employees in 2012, please use the cups provided or another of your choice.  [You mean the one I received and promptly threw in the trash because I didn’t want any of your company swag?] Please immediately clean up any spills, there are carpet cleaning supplies located in the lunchroom and at the east end coffee bar.  Let HR know if there is a stain you are unable to remove by sending an e-mail to HR@[Company Name].
• Please take down all holiday decorations. Holiday decorations should always be removed within a few days after the holiday. Birthday decorations should be removed by the following day.
• Please remove all items and decorations from the windows in your cubicle or office.
• Paper or other items covering the cubicle windows are not allowed unless placed there by HR/Facilities for special confidentiality needs.  Please have your supervisor contact HR if you have special confidentiality needs in your area.
• While we very much support employees bringing a few personal items for their cubicles or offices, please look around your area and make sure that there are not excessive personal items, [You mean like that one late-middle-aged woman of color who has a shrine to Justin Bieber erected in her cube?] that your work area is professional in appearance, and that the appearance of your area is reasonably consistent with the areas around you.  Again, we want to present a professional, consistent appearance throughout the office. 
• Please remove any items that are on the outside of your cubicle or office.
• Please contact HR if you need a hook to use to hang your coat on the inside of your cubicle.  Coats and jackets should be hung either in a coat closet (in the front lobby) or inside your cubicle. [I’d like to see all 200+ employees hang their winter gear in that single, 5-foot-wide closet. Idiots.]
• Please save documents electronically where possible, and only print documents when you cannot work from an electronic copy.  As soon as you have completed working from the hard copy, please file it or have it recycled or shredded (if it contains PHI) on a timely basis.  There should not be large quantities of paper in your work area that remain there for long periods of time.
• Please do not remove chairs from the conference rooms at any time.  Contact HR if you need a chair for your office or cubicle.
• If you need to bring extra chairs into offices or conference rooms for a large meeting, return them after your meeting
• White boards in the conference rooms should be cleaned before participants leave any meetings.
• Please let us know if you notice something is broken or not working by sending an e-mail to HR@[Company Name]. [Like the 2 of 3 microwave ovens in the break room that took nearly a month to replace after HR was notified?]

The management team will be doing a walk-through of the office at the end of February to ensure that the overall appearance is professional and consistent throughout.  Please make sure your work area is well-organized before the end of February, and please let HR or your supervisor know if you have additional questions. [Translation: the nuns will be doing a walk-through and be prepared to have your hands slapped with rulers if anything displeases them.]

First impressions are hard to change, we frequently have visitors and potential clients in the building, let’s make a great first impression!

Thank you.

To HR’s credit, there are perhaps a half dozen employees whose cubes look like they are used as vomitoriums for whatever the next holiday happens to be, and an equal number who have every available horizontal surface covered with personal crap, including the one with the aforementioned Justin Bieber shrine. There is also an admittedly small group of employees who feel it is their Constitutional right to wallpaper their cube walls with bible verses (which I personally find offensive, but because I’m an adult don’t make a stink over it), so I agree that this shit needs to go. But in regards to first impressions they seem to be so concerned about, I think it would actually make a better first impression on potential clients if the CEO didn’t show up to work every day (and I assume, to presentations to potential clients) reeking of alcohol from twenty feet away.