Author: Mark Alexander

From Jeff Tiedrich:

it's probably not a good sign when your homeys have to swear that you weren't blitzed out of your mind when you did that thing you definitely did.

who among us hasn't woken up to discover that we did something ill-advised after a night of over-enthusiastically bending the elbow?

oh fuck, I did what?

for most of us, it's generally something low-stakes — like going online and buying some fugly sweater that we don't even remember ordering until it shows up a few days later.

for others, it's bombing the shit out of another county.

Alexa, show me the least-reassuring headline, ever.

Pete Hegseth was not drunk when he discussed plans to bomb Yemen in a group chat which included a journalist, the director of the CIA has said.

you can trust the CIA, because they would never lie to us, right?

but how does the CIA director know that Plastered Pete wasn't plastered? was he there? does the Signal app have a built-in breathalyser?

by the way, Donny's DOJ won't be prosecuting anyone over this Signal clusterfuck, because of course they won't — because reasons, and also because something something look over there, it's Hillary Clinton!

reporter: "the Signal chat controversy that's going on. is DOJ involved at this point? if so, why? if not, why not?"

Pam Bondi: "well first, it was sensitive information, not classified, inadvertently released, and what we should be talking about is it was a very successful mission … if you want to talk about classified information, talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home."

so, we're playing semantics games now. the intel was sensitive, not classified. (spoiler alert: it was classified.) and Pete didn't mean to do it, so no harmsies, ok? and besides, Yemen got the shit bombed out of it, very successfully. so what's the big deal?

by the way, handwaving away a major security breach by saying 'it was a successful mission' is like justifying drunk driving by pointing out that you managed not to run over anyone on the way home.

speaking of which — Plastered Pete is playing semantics games, too. check this out.

oops, sorry — wrong clip! here's the one we meant to show you.

"nobody is texting war plans. well I noticed this morning, out came something that doesn't look like war plans. and as a matter of fact, they even changed the title to 'attack plans,' because they know it's not war plans. there's no units, no locations, no routes, no flight paths, no sources, no methods…"

Piss-Drunk Pete is so good at being indignant, isn't he? it's a he skill honed through years of being a weekend chat-show bobblehead on Fox News. just the talent you want in someone who may not remember who he bombed last night.

whether we call it war plans or attack plans — that's not the fucking issue here. let's recall exactly what Pete did: he took classified intel — specific times of air strikes — and cut-and-pasted it into his phone.

then he sent it to all his homies (and a reporter!), hours before the attacks took place, over a janky app that he was warned by his own NSA not to use— because it's so fucking easily hacked by foreign actors — giving advance notice of bombing runs to anyone who might have gained access to his personal, unsecured phone.

but look, let's not bicker and argue over war plans and attack plans.

the administration has bigger fish to fry. apparently, the National Zoo has been suffering because of all the woke.

President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday directing Vice President JD Vance to remove "improper ideology" from institutions such as the National Zoo.

what in the world? how can a zoo be woke? I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. are they just inventing things for JD to do, because he's a clueless dope and they want to get him out of the White House?

'hey there, JD, when you've finished fucking the furniture, could you run over to the National Zoo and make sure there's no DEI going on in the elephant house?'