Category: Beating Back the St00pid

Posted on

Friday Madness

let's cut right to the chase: this is the part where we throw our heads back in laughter.

anyone with any sense saw this coming a mile away. the first time Mad King Donny and the Space Nazi formed their fucked-up alliance, we knew it was only a matter of time before the whole enterprise went tits-up.

you can't put two broken-inside man-babies — each of whom believes they hold a divine right to all the money, all the power, and all the attention — in the same room together without creating the kind of atomic chain reaction that culminates in a ginormous smoking crater.

the only question is: what the fuck took so long?

here's how it all went down. the Space Nazi had been shit-talking Donny's 'Big Beautiful Bill' all week long.

"I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork-filled Congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it: you know you did wrong. You know it."

which, by the way, was heartbreaking.

the Space Nazi has his own selfish reason for hating the bill: it would end government subsidies for electric vehicles — the very thing that makes his janky Swastikar business viable.

nonetheless, Elon violated the Prime Directive: there must be no criticism of Dear Leader — and so it was throw-down time!

"he's upset. remember, he was here for a long time. you saw a man who was very happy when he stood behind the oval desk … Elon and I had a great relationship. I don't know if we will anymore."

"the oval desk." everything that Donny says makes so much more sense if you imagine it coming out of the mouth of a two-year-old.

"hey Donny, what shape is your desk?"
"oval."
"good boy Donny."

here's another thing the Mad King said during that q-and-a with reporters:

"I would have won Pennsylvania regardless of Elon…I'm very disappointed with Elon."

and also:

"I don't know what it is. It's sort of Trump Derangement Syndrome, I guess they call it. But we have it with others too. They leave and they wake up in the morning and the glamour is gone."

and with that, it was go time! on with the battle of the paper-thin-skinned egos!

I mean, what's even the point of having more money than god if you can't throw a childish tantrum on your own Nazi-bar website?

"Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate."

that was all Donny needed to launch into one of his favorite kinds of lies: one where he boasts that the person who quit their job, didn't really quit — because it was actually Donny who shitcanned their unwelcome ass.

"Elon was 'wearing thin,' I asked him to leave, I took away his EV Mandate that forced everyone to buy Electric Cars that nobody else wanted (that he knew for months I was going to do!), and he just went CRAZY!"

Donny can't even lie without slathering another lie right on top of it. there was never any "mandate" that "forced everyone to buy electric cars." what the fuck is Donny even gibbering about?

that not-tweet was quickly followed up with this beaut.

"The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it!"

fuck you, Space Nazi, for making me agree with Mad King Donny — because once again, hearbreaking.

this caused the Space Nazi to threaten to take his bat and ball and spaceships and go home.

"In light of the President's statement about cancellation of my government contracts, @SpaceX will begin decommissioning its Dragon spacecraft immediately"

(spoiler alert: Elon's already backed down from this threat.)

then it was time for the Space Nazi to go thermonuclear.

"Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!"

that's your 'big bomb,' Elon? tell us something we don't already know.

nonetheless, how fucking awesome is it that Elon not-tweeted that to his 220 million followers?

next, Elon endorsed an Ian Miles Cheong not-tweet calling for Donny to be impeached and replaced with Couchfuck McGee.

JD spent the next six full hours running around his house, punching his fist in the air, and going 'fuck yeah, President Vance,' before finally, at 10:23pm, calming down enough to pretend to support his for-now boss.

"President Trump has done more than any person in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I'm proud to stand beside him."

oh, look! Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts is calling for Elon to be deported.

Stephen K. Bannon, who has been one of the most vocal critics of Musk for months, said he is advising the president to cancel all of Musk's contracts and launch several investigations into the world's richest man.

"They should initiate a formal investigation of his immigration status because I am of the strong belief that he is an illegal alien, and he should be deported from the country immediately," he said in a phone interview.

COULD EVERY ONE OF YOU ASS-CLOWNS PLEASE STOP BREAKING MY HEART?

natually, Elon reacted in the most Elon way possible.

let me remind you that these are all fully grown adults.

now let's pour one out for MAGA. let's keep the cultists in our thoughts and prayers as they navigate this difficult moment.

nah, fuck it. let's just laugh at their confusion and despair over mommy and daddy fighting.

imagine the frayed, sparking wires inside every MAGA head right now as they watch the two dipshits they worship the most tear each other apart.

for Pizzagate Jack Posobiec, it's just a thrill to watch the most manliest men ever go at it in the most manliest way possible.

"Some of y'all cant handle 2 high agency males going at it and it really shows This is direct communication (phallocentric) vs indirect communication (gynocentric) I understand you aren't used to it"

can't handle it? bro, we're overdosing on schadenfreude here. we're about to deplete America's Strategic Reserve of Microwave Popcorn.

perennial election-loser and Republican found object Joey Mannarino is another honcho who just can't believe his good luck in getting to watch the Battle of The Biggest Balls Ever.

"Trump and Elon aren't attacking one another in a way that won't be fixed. People forget how men with testicles spar. You're watching two people with balls the size of the moon debate an issue. This is what masculinity look like."

jesus, Joey — go take a cold shower.

the cognitive dissonance in the MAGAsphere is off the charts. Dinesh D'ipshit wants so much for all this to just be some kind of ten-dimensional kabuki between Donny and the Space Nazi that somehow ends up with … Democrats in prison?

Is this some sort of perverse scheme to force the release of the Epstein files? How great it would be to have a horde of bad guys publicly exposed. Then Trump and Elon break out the champagne. Elon says, 'Told you I could get Democrats to scream for that list.' Laughter!"

go home, Dinesh, you're drunk.

one immediate result of all this childish fighting is that the Space Nazi lost billions of dollars as shares in his companies plummeted.

Tesla's shares dropped by about 14.2% on Thursday at market close, wiping roughly $152bn off the value of the company as a feud between Elon Musk and Donald Trump erupted into public view. The former political allies traded threats and insults through posts on their respective social media platforms throughout the afternoon as the company's price fell.

oh man, you just hate to see it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love to see it.

Elon is just the latest in a long line of arrogant, delusional hubris-monkeys who thought they would be the one who could finally control Donny, and make him dance to their tune. we've seen this play out over and over. that shit only works for a short time. sooner or later, it all goes sideways. Donny is too erratic and too literally out of his fucking mind to be corralled.

everything Donny touches, dies.

now let's celebrate the memesters.

and let's give the final word to Gianmarco Soresi, because this not-tweet wins the entire internet, forever.

Posted on

Too Good Not To Pass On

From All Hat No Cattle:

Elon Musk Drops Nuke on Trump: He's 'In the Epstein Files'

Musk and Trump both pulled no punches on Thursday in launching scathing attacks on one another as their very public breakup escalated.

This messy Trump-Musk breakup is truly the gayest thing about pride month. – Josh Sorbe

The World Is A Safer Place Without Trump

Why couldn't these two f**king losers have started this sh*t back in October. – JoJoFromJerz

The funniest possible outcome is definitely Trump deporting him. – Franklin Leonard

Wow.
 
This is turning into an all out war in MAGA land. 
 
For the record, the GOP Tax Scam has been correctly characterized as a disgusting abomination. – Hakeem Jeffries

Trump Really Thinks Like A Nazi

A meeting between President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Frederich Merz took a bizarre turn…"May I remind you that we are having June 6 tomorrow," Merz said while speaking about Ukraine's bloody war against Russia on Thursday. "This is D-Day anniversary, when the Americans once ended a war in Europe."

The entire world looks at the US now and just laughs.
 
No wonder no one wants to make trade deals with us anymore. – Alex Cole

Musk Wants To Start His Own, Err, A New Political Party
Billionaire Elon Musk seemed to suggest support of a third political party as he escalated a growing fight with President Trump that boiled over Thursday.
"Is it time to create a new political party in America that actually represents the 80% in the middle," Musk wrote in a post on social platform X to his more than 200 million followers on the site, which he owns.

I assure you had we elected Kamala Harris we would not be sitting here witnessing  the president of the United States fighting with one of the most well-known CEOs of the world, as healthcare for millions is on the line. – Victor Shi

Rock The Voter News

The big beautiful bill led to the big beautiful breakup. – Aaron Parnas

At least this isn't embarrassing for America. – Douglas A. Boneparth

If Trump and Musk break up, who gets custody of Scott Jennings? – JoJoFromJerz
It's just awful when you buy a guy a perfectly good election, and he won't even do whatever you want. – Justin Wolfers
Posted on

Tuesday Madness

it's a well-known fact that expertise is not the Confederacy of Sewer Clowns' strong suit. pretty much the whole worthless lot of them are low-voltage ignoramuses who don't know shit about shit.

look no further than the Secretary of Health and Human Services. he doesn't know how germs work. the Director of Homeland Security doesn't know how human rights work. the Defense Secretary doesn't know how sobriety works. neither does the Attorney for the District of Columbia.

how about the imbecile who rules them all? Dear Leader hasn't a clue how not being a ginormous fuckwad works.

so none of us should be surprised that, when asked if he was ready for hurricane season, Donny's new head of FEMA was all 'hurri-what now?'

Staff of the Federal Emergency Management Agency were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency said he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season, according to four sources familiar with the situation.

The remark was made during a briefing by David Richardson, who has led FEMA since early May.

hurricane season, David. how do you not know about hurricane season? look, bro, let me explain. every year, starting in June and continuing through November, conditions in the Caribbean— holy shit, David, did your eyes glaze over already? what the fuck?

where does Donny find these people?

the obvious guess would be Fox News — but I'm looking at Richardson's bio page at FEMA.com and he's not from Fox. another fun fact gleaned from David's bio is that he's a combat veteran and an expert in dealing with WMDs — which is pretty fucking cool, but not a qualification to head FEMA. in fact, there's nothing in his resume about emergency management, which — spoiler alert — is what the E and the M in FEMA stand for.

look, I know that Mad King Donny hates FEMA and wants to kill it — and the best way to do that is hire some unqualified toady to mismanage the shit out of the joint — but how did this guy somehow not even hear about hurricane season by accident?

it's fucking impressive that David Richardson has apparently gone his whole life without walking past a TV, hearing the words 'hurricane season,' and having it sink into his dome by osmosis.

Richardson now claims he was just joshing. yeah, right. that's the standard Sewer Clown dodge whenever one of them gets caught committing a stupid. come one, it was all a big joke. where's your sense of humor?

fact check: the ignorance. it burns.

while we're on the subject of not knowing, White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett apparently doesn't understand how the passage of time works.

George Stephanopoulos: "when will we see an actual trade agreement? will we see any this week?"

Hassett: "I expected we were probably going to see one perhaps as early as last week."

very nice Jedi mind trick there from Kevin Hassett. when asked if something will happen this week, Kevin makes a bold prediction about what will happen last week — and then gets it wrong.

beautiful stuff. peak Sewer Clown.

fact check: on April 12, Mad King Donny announced that he would be making "90 deals in 90 days." fifty-two days have passed since then. we have yet to see one deal.

Kasie Hunt: "did you ever witness Elon Musk under the influence of drugs?"

Hassett: "not in a million years. he's a person who is so filled with joy that it's just a natural way that he is."

oh, please. check out the Space Nazi's behavior during his fake-farewell press conference last Friday.

fact check: he's zonked out of his fucking mind.

oh yeah. that's natural. no drug use at all, uh huh. clearly, the guy is just high on life.

let's gif that shit for posterity's sake.

does House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson understand how not lying works?

Kristen Welker: "if the big beautiful bill does add to the debt, will Trump own it?"

Holy Mike: "it's not gonna add to the debt."

Welker: "experts say this will add trillions to the deficit. can you really guarantee this will not add one penny of debt?"

Holy Mike: "I'm telling you this is going to reduce the deficit."

fact check: the 'big beautiful bill' is going to explode the deficit.

Six Nobel laureate economists said a massive budget bill passed by House lawmakers last month and backed by President Trump would weaken key safety-net programs while greatly lifting the federal debt.

The tax and spending package, which Republicans have dubbed the "one big beautiful bill," would hurt millions of Americans by slashing Medicaid and food stamps, the economists wrote in a June 2 letter on behalf of the Economic Policy Institute, a left-leaning think tank.

gee, who to believe — six Nobel laureates or the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker's gavel? it's a goddamned conundrum.

I have a question: isn't Holy Mike supposed to be a big proponent of the Bible?

I'm no Biblical scholar, but I seem to recall that the Good Book has this whole section in it with all these thou shalt nots — and I'm pretty sure one of the bigger shalt nots is 'lie your fucking face off.' I get the general sense that the Bible frowns on that kind of shit.

oh wait, maybe Holy Mike isn't lying. perhaps he's just a person who is so filled with joy that he's just naturally optimistic.

yeah, that's it.

here's your hero of the day: actor Nick Offerman, probably best known for playing Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation.

June is Pride Month — so of course the worst people in the world are rage-loading their diapers over ThE gAyS refusing to remain in the closet.

when Mike Flynn Jr — the Don Jr of the treasonous Flynn clan — tried to hijack a Ron Swanson meme and use it to broadcast his own rampant homophobia, here's how Nick ripped him a new one.

"Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride"

fact check: true.

Posted on

Monday Madness

that's a doozie of a headline, isn't it? I promise, we're going to get to it. but first, we need to talk about Mad King Donny's Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard.

you see, Tulsi has a wee bit of a problem. it seems her boss is a cognitively-impaired old fuckwit whose brain left the station ages ago.

I know, right? that's the entire world's problem, not just Tulsi's — but here's how working for an erratic imbecile with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel is affecting Tulsi's ability to do her job: she can't get Donny to even look at his daily intel briefing. so she's been trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.

President Donald Trump's intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information.

how surreal is it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — has become the voice of sanity regarding national security? folks, that's how far down the fucking rabbit hole we've fallen.

obviously, 'making it more aligned with how he likes to consume information'is not a new problem. all during the Mad King's first reign, his staffers had to pretty much trick him into reading his daily brief. they dumbed that shit down until it was just bullet points and pictures, and they'd be all look, Donny! it's a photo of you with words underneath. can you read what those words say about you?

imagine having to treat a person in command of a nuclear arsenal as if he were a colicky baby. now imagine reelecting him. what the fuck, America?

here's the perplexing pickle Tulsi finds herself in during the second reign of the Mad King: Donny's brain has puddingfied to the point where even simple bullet points and photos are too complicated for the deteriorating old coot to deal with.

on top of that, Donny seems unclear on the concept of a daily brief. most days, he just waves it away. Tulsi walks into the room and he's all get that thing away from me, for fuck's sake, I'm watching myself on TV.

Since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week.

now, because Tulsi is a sewer clown, she's come up with the most sewerclowntastic solution to her problem:

One idea that's been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that's made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast.

I don't know about you, but I'm loving this idea! the whole government is already an extension of Fox News. right now there are no fewer than twenty-three former Fox bobbleheads working for Donny.

our Secretary of Defense is a chat-show host who doubled as the buffoon they'd send out to Times Square to get piss-drunk on New Year's Eve.

a tipsy fake TV judge is now the Attorney for DC.

so let's go all-in. let's turn the entire government into one big Fox studio. over at the Pentagon, Pete Kegstand already has his own makeup studio — so we're almost there, right?

but wait — how about if Tulsi just put TV over her head and pretended to be Fox News?

think of all the money that would be saved. now that's efficiency in government!

perhaps Tulsi should be putting Donny's intel briefing into his Truth Social feed — but maybe it's too late even for that. Mad King Donny is apparently already getting his daily briefings from QAnon.

(hey, I told you we'd be getting to the headline.)

look at this fever-swamp lunacy that Donny posted over the weekend.

There is no #JoeBiden – executed in 2020.
#Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see.
#Democrats dont know the difference.

nothing to see here, right? just the president of the United States endorsing a QAnon trope that Joe Biden got snuffed years ago — and the dude we saw in the Oval Office was a robot the whole time. perfectly normal stuff.

let's consider the double triple quadruple-think at work here.

according to Donny — and, by extention, MAGA — Joe Biden is the mastermind of an entire crime family that regularly shakes down world leaders to the tune of millions of dollars. and the whole time he's been doing this, he's been a drooling demented mess who no longer has any clue which end is up. ok, that makes perfect sense, right?

now, let's slather on top of that the fact that real Joe Biden was executed (by who?) years ago and was replaced by a robot. which means that someone purposely constructed a malfunctioning crime-robot with dementia.

and, on top of all of that, now the robot has cancer — which is just fine with Donny. he doesn't feel sorry for the malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia, because it's a vicious malfunctioning crime-robot who does vicious things.

"not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don't feel so sorry for him, 'cause he's vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don't feel sorry for him."

to recap, Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia who does vicious things.

ohhhhhkay, President Pudding Cup. let's get you to bed.

here's another perfectly normal thing our perfectly normal president did this weekend: he threw a shitfit because no one told him about his new nickname.

Donny is fucking pissed that he had to find out from a reporter that Wall Street is mocking him.

but look at it from the standpoint of a White House staffer: do you want to be the one to tell an erratic rage-monkey that TACO stands for Trump Always Chickens Out? of course you don't. so you're fucked if you do and you're fucked if you don't. keep Donny in the loop, or hide the bad news from Donny — either way, you're going to end up with a ketchup bottle chucked at your head.

at this point, why would anyone want to work for Mad King Donny? it's a loser's game. the only winning move is not to play.

buckle in, it's only Monday. this is going to be a long week.

Posted on

Post Memorial Day Madness

yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON'T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Donny's such a funster, isn't he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.

where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don't act like this. they don't wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don't lie awake a night, plotting revenge.

as always with the shit Donny pulls, it's just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.

with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.

it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.

check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.

Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny's Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.

then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!

let's listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.

"…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we're gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I'm glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn't be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that."

oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he's on a mission from God

what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America's big birthday. delusions of grandeur don't get any more grandly delusional than that.

why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?

does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going 'fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.'

how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we've all been there, bro.

do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?

"hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I'm going to tell everyone I was sent by God."

"oh that's great, sir. now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch."

now let's all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one

"… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …"

I love how Donny's left hand flails helplessly as a word he's never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he's looking at, and his hand gives it away. that's why you're supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.

so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.

if you were watching Donny's speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.

thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.

it's all part of His plan, right?

here's your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.

this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.

but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America."

"power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there's nothing new in this."

in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it's refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.

did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.

boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.

Posted on

Vomiting It All Up

Backpfeifengesicht. That's all I'm gonna say.

If you know, you know. But shouldn't it have been 3 inchest to the left?

I think we already know the answer to that.

He wasn't lying – they have turned the economy around…in the wrong direction!

Posted on

Saturday Madness

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: what exactly are we grasping at here

guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.

Fox News fuckface: "Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all."

Rep. Tim Burchett: "I don't drink out of a straw, brother. that's what the women in my house do."

honchos, take it from Tim: don't be a girlywuss. don't daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that's what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.

seriously, Timmy? is this you?

Tim, is this Jesse Watters?

 

is this Dear Leader?

look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called 'real men' don't worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?

tuesday: mmm, conspiracies

no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict's presidency?

Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it's a deep state plot.

"what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they're satanists — this isn't what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it's just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that's what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like 'oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,' it's like no, actually that's part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance."

Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?

busted!

wednesday: mmm, stupidity

now, let's listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo's empty head

"should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it's not windy? what if it's not sunny?"

folks, let's review: what does the stupid do?

you really have to admire MAGA's commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn't understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.

how is it not a cult?

all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?

they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.

here's how Donny 'thanked' them for their six- to seven-figure 'investment' into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny's Virginia golf motel.

"It was the worst food I've ever had at a Trump golf course," Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump's coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a "Walmart steak." Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.

so sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.

here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.

NEW: Two attendees of Trump's crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.'s goal to become the global leader in crypto. "He just gave a few remarks and left," one said.

so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I'm conflicted.

get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.

Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I'm really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.

on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.

"I'm a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I'm a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I'm a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children."

yeah, we get it, dimwit. you're amazing.

in case you've quit Elon's Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let's catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter's AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky's post.

"Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric."

because there's nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.

"the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda."

Marge, Grok can't hear you. it's not real. it's a bunch of silicon chips.

I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.

stop fucking with us, Marge, and we'll stop fucking with you.

Posted on

Daughterfucking Madness, Friday Edition

Little Donny Fuckface knows more about being a greedy, corrupt sleazebag than all the other greedy, corrupt sleazebags put together.

just look what he's been up to lately: Qatar gave Donny his very own $400 million vulgar flying bordello — in return for favors. Bone Saw Arabia gave him a bag of burgers — in return for favors. Syria promised he could build a gaudy tower in Damascus — in return for favors. Serbia, too, is getting in on the golden tower game — can you guess why?

and last night, 220 winners of the Who Can Give Donny The Most Money Contest got to have dinner with Dear Leader.

Mr. Trump and his business partners organized the dinner to promote sales of his $TRUMP cryptocurrency, a memecoin launched just days before Mr. Trump's inauguration. A memecoin is a type of digital currency tied to an online joke or mascot; it typically has no function beyond speculation. But Mr. Trump's coins have become a vehicle for investors, including many foreigners, to funnel money to his family.

it's fucking stunning how shameless this grift is. when you buy one of Donny's 'memecoins,' you're not buying anything tangible. it has no value. it's not even an investment. no one expects its price to increase.

Its price peaked at $75 in January before plummeting to less than $8 in April – it was trading at around $12.50 at the time of writing.

it's simply a way to funnel money straight into Donny's pockets — and here's the beauty part: it's anonymous. no one knows who these 'investors' are. they could be CEOs looking to curry favor. they could be foreign countries seeking tariff breaks. we have no fucking clue.

"Its only function is to make money for the Trump family crypto empire," CNN business journalist Allison Morrow said of the meme coin.

"We don't know their identities. And that's partly because crypto is anonymous by design. You can't quite track crypto wallets all the way back to the individual or to the entity that gave the money," she continued.

cranking the greed dial way past eleven, Donny held a Who Can Give Me The Most Money Contest to reward 'investors' who bought the most memecoins.

last night, the top 220 shovelers-of-cash-into-Donny's-pocket got to have dinner at his Virginia golf motel — and today, the top 25 shovelers will get a personal tour of the White House.

here's what we know about what went on last night: fuck-all.

you want to know who attended Donny's corruptionpalooza? fuck you, that's their names.

you want to know what countries they came from? fuck you, that's where they live.

you want to know how much Donny personally profited off of each attendee? fuck you, that's how much.

here's the only thing we do know: that Donny is a Very Special Boy Who Gets To Be Corrupt, because reasons

reporter: 'on the president's dinner tonight, will the White House commit to making a list of the attendees public so people can see who's paying for that kind of access to the president?'

Karoline Leavitt: "the president is attending it in his personal time."

oh, his personal time. Donny's off the clock — so everyone wondering exactly what kind of corruption is being perpetrated right under our noses can go fuck themselves, am I understanding this correctly?

I have a question. between golfing and watching himself on TV and jamming burgers down his gullet and babysitting Elon's kid, the Crown Prince Snotwiper, when is Donny actually on the clock?

it is that one hour a day around 3pm when the laziest fuck on the planet finally waddles into the Oval Office to sign some executive order about how everyone at Harvard has to wear their underpants on their head? is that when Donny's officially presidenting, and can't be openly soliciting bribes?

let's recap where we are: the Supreme Court says that when Dear Leader is presidening, he's a Very Special Boy Who Can Break All The Laws, because immunity, and Karoline Lie-vitt says that when Donny isn't presidenting, he's still a Very Special Boy Who Can Break All The Laws — because it's his personal time.

isn't that special?

oh look! CNN stopped sniffing up Joe Biden's pantleg long enough to actually commit a journalism. they tracked down White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett and asked him pointed questions about all this corrupt fuckery.

CNN: 'Trump is gonna host hundreds of people who have purchased millions in his memecoin at the White House. today, you heard the press secretary Karoline Leavitt say that he's doing this on his personal time at his private club — but tomorrow, the top 25 people who spent the most money on his memecoin are eligible for a private tour of the White House. are you comfortable with this dinner and these tours, which are likely to go to wealthy foreigners?"

Hassett: "everything the president done has been carefully scrutinized by White House counsel and they've given him the guidance that that's okay, and that's enough for me."

oh, the White House Counsel — the guy Donny hand-picked from his own team of ace parking garage lawyers to be a yes-man and rubber-stamp everything Donny wants to do — said it's okay. well, that changes everything. I feel so much better about all this corruption, now that Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett has explained that.

it's all so shameless. everyone in the White House knows exactly what's going on, and they're all lying about it right to our faces.

Donny and his overgrown failsons are openly corrupt, and they don't give a crusty fuck who knows it. one of Cokey McSniffles' advisors actually said this in so many words.

Arthur Schwartz, an adviser to Don Jr., downplayed his influence in the White House but declined to respond in greater detail when asked whether his activities create ethical problems. "Write your ridiculous story. Literally no one cares," Schwartz said via text. "We don't actually give a fuck."

because, seriously, who's going to stop them? certianly, none of the spineless shitweasels in the Republican party.

and now, here's your daily dose of batshit — and before we get into it, I want to caution you that listening to this clip of President Pudding Cup may actually make you stupider.

so, please take that into consideration. ready?

"they will fight the drug companies. the drug companies are very worried that they're gonna fight, and that's okay. if they fight, we'll just say, 'that's ok, we're not gonna let you sell any more cars into the United States or we're not gonna let you sell any more wine or liquor or alcohol' or something that's actually way more important to them than the drugs."

yeah, that'll show those drug companies. no more car or liquor sales for you.

I wonder if one of the worthless scribblers might like to take some time from their months-long obsession with figuring out exactly how old Joe Biden is, and check out the current occupant of the White House.

Donny's brain has dripped out of his ears to the point where no one can even decipher what he's yammering about. doesn't that sound like something worth investigating?

I thought so.

Posted on

Wednesday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

'because fuck you, that's why,' helpfully explains ICE Barbie

how does this ninny not know what habeas corpus is?

Kristi Noem — concentration-camp-selfie enthusiast and darling of the puppy-perforating set — was Capitol Hill yesterday, to do some performative jack-assery about why the Department of Homeland Security needs its budget set sky-high for 2026.

airfare and wardrobe for weekly prison-guard-cosplay photo-ops down in El Salvador doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Democratic Senator Maggie Hassan had a question for Noem: 'what is habeas corpus?'

let's gaze in awe as Kristi takes careful aim and shoots the Constitution square in the face.

"habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country."

bzzzzzt! sorry, no — not even close.

Senator Hassen, would you like correct our confused cosplayer?

"habeas corpus is the legal principle that requires that the government provide a public reason for detaining and imprisoning people. if not for that protection, the government could simply arrest people, including American citizens, and hold them indefinitely for no reason. habeas corpus is the foundational right that separates free societies like America from police states like North Korea."

oh, huh. then it doesn't mean that Dear Leader can eighty-six whoever he wants? oopsies!

how the fuck could Noem get that wrong? there are three possible explanations for why Kristi answered as she did — none of them good.

the first is that Kristi has no idea what habeas is, and just blurted out the first thing that popped into her vacant skull.

the second is that Kristi actually believes the answer she gave — because morons gonna moron.

the third — and scariest — possibility is that Noem knows full well what habeas corpus is, but deliberately gave a wrong answer — because fuck you, that's why. how dare you question Kristi the All-Powerful? do you want to live out the rest of your days in a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag? no? then shut the fuck up.

Little Donny Fuckface was also on Capitol Hill yesterday, to rally support for his 'big beautiful bill' that chainsaws social programs to the bone, in order to finance another round of massive tax cuts for our oligarch overlords.

a reporter had a pretty decent question for Donny: "you campaigned on lowering the price of groceries. how can you justify cutting food assistance in this bill?"

Preznit Fuckbrain's answer was one for the ages.

"the cut is gonna give everybody much more food."

huh?

I know I've been saying this for years, but it's never stopped being true: the first reporter to stand up and ask "what the fuck is wrong with you" should get a lifetime Pulitzer.

Donny goes on tell a bunch of lies about how the price of food is already down because of of his amazing job of presidenting the shit out of the economy. (spoiler alert: no it isn't, and no has hasn't.)

Donny doesn't have an answer to why are you cutting aid to the poor, because coming up with one would require an attention span — and Donny's mind has already drifted off to thinking about how the Saudis gave me my own mobile McDonald's. that was so cool, why can't Mike Johnson do that when I come to the House. mmmm, burgers.

n place of an actual answer, Donny starts making mouth-noises about how everyone's going to have so much food, you're going to get tired of all the food.

or course, the real answer to "why are Republicans cutting food assistance to the people who need it most," is because fuck you, that's why.

if The Poors didn't want their social safety net taken away from them, then they should have given Dear Leader a vulgar flying bordello, like Qatar's royal family did. that's the kind of shit that opens doors. for fuck's sake, Poors, show some initiative. don't you know how the game is played in Donny Convict's Washington?

no wonder you lazy slugs are all hungry.

"in March, you boasted about revoking student visas, saying, and I'm quoting, 'we do it every day. every time I find one of these lunatics, I take away their visa,' unquote. let's look at one of those 'lunatics,' Mr. Secretary. Ms. Öztürk. her crime was co-authoring an op-ed in her college paper critical of Tufts University's response to the war in Gaza. your own department found zero links to terrorism, no antisemitic statements, but you still yanked her visa and shipped her off to detention in Louisiana. and the list goes on and on.

"the federal judge in the case of Mohsen Madawi, who was the Columbia student who was ambushed by federal agents at his citizenship appointment, said, and I quote, this is the judge, 'legal residents not charged with crimes or misconduct are being arrested and threatened with deportation for stating their views on the political issues of the day. our nation has seen times like this before, especially during the Red Scare and Palmer Raids.'

"like the McCarthy-era witch hunts of the 1950s, your campaign of fear and repression is eating away at foundational values for democracy. back then, it took one voice—Attorney Joseph Welch—to cut through the hysteria with the simple question that marked the beginning of the end of that shameful era: 'Senator McCarthy, have you no sense of decency?'

"I would ask you the same, Secretary Rubio. you have shown through your words and actions what the answer is. I have to tell you directly and personally that I regret voting for you for Secretary of State."

now, let's allow Marco Rubio to show everyone what a ginormous asshole he is. here's his response to Senator Van Hollen's tongue-lashing.

"your regret for voting for me confirms I'm doing a good job."

what an arrogant prick. go fuck yourself, Liddle Marco.

lastly, here's your daily dose of What the Actual Fuck.

Nancy Mace has become the Lauren Boebert of Marjorie Taylor Greenes. Nance is mad as hell, and she's brought her own visual aids.

some context: Nancy's stunt was to ostensibly raise awareness of revenge-porn, which Mace claims to be a victim of — and make no mistake, revenge porn is a serious issue, and the people who disseminate it are scumbags who need to face consequences.

but set that aside for a moment. how starved for attention does one have to be, to be constantly drawing attention to one's own body?

look, Nancy — nude photos have no place in a House committee room. unless, of course, the photos are of Hunter Biden's freakishly-oversized trouser hog.

Posted on

Tuesday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

rejoice, America! Dear Leader's gonna lower the price of the 'fat shot drug'

what the fuck is Donny gibbering about?

yesterday at the White House, a bewildered old man in obvious cognitive decline somehow wandered in off the street. the Secret Service must have taken pity on the pathetic old coot, because they did nothing to stop him as he shuffled into the Oval Office and started free-associating into the microphone.

"I'll tell you a story, a friend of mine who's a business…man, very very very top guy, most of you would have heard of him. highly neurotic. brilliant businessman. uh, seriously overweight. and he takes the fat— the fat shot…drug. and he called me up, and he said, uh, president— he calls me president, he used to call me Donald, now he calls me president, so that's nice respect, but he's a rough guy, smart guy. very successful, very rich. I wouldn't even know how he would know this but, 'cause he's got comments, 'uh president, could I ask you a question?' I said what. 'I'm in London and I just paid for this damned fat drug I take.' I said 'it's not working.' he said, he said, 'I just paid eighty-eight dollars and in New York I paid thirteen hundred dollars, what the hell is going on?'"

what the fuck was that?

are you telling me that was the actual president of the United States up there, gibbering like a lunatic?

that was the kind of disjointed tale your demented granddad might fart out at the dinner table, right before falling asleep face down in his mashed potatoes.

what we got is a variation of the classic "sir story," where Donny typically meets up with some fictional blue collar dude who bursts into tears of gratitude upon getting to meet Dear Leader.

now we have a "president story," where Donny is apparently besties with Jabba the Billionaire, some 'very very very top guy' who evidently tips the scales at over a fucking ton.

Jabba's dealing with his weight issues by mainlining what Donny calls 'the fat shot drug.'

Donny's no doubt talking about Ozempic, right? he's reading off prepared notes, so why doesn't he just say that? I guess that Dear Leader is so illiterate that when his eyes got to a word that began with 'ozy,' his brain seized up and his panicked mouth had to hastily improvise 'the fat shot drug.'

nice bit of fat-shaming, too, with 'I said it's not working.'

'bro, you're a fucking whale' is a pile of stones that President Glass House definitely shouldn't be throwing at anyone.

but I digress.

Donny had called that press conference in order to announce his latest and awesomest executive order, one in which he was going to lower the prices of all prescription drugs by at least a skillionty percent, and maybe even more.

nice bit of Sewer Clown Theater, too, with Donny flanked by fake-diet-pill-scammer Dr. Oz, and heath nut Bobby Brainworms Jr, who was just back from taking his grandkids for a healthy swim in a bacteria-infected creek.

how does Donny imagine he's going to accomplish these lower costs? apparently by demanding real hard — because (let's say it one more time) executive orders are not laws.

Executive orders are issued from the executive branch of the government, specifically the U.S. President. An executive order is not a law in the sense that it does not go through the legislative process. It is not binding on everyone, only on employees of the executive branch.

last time I looked, multinational pharmaceutical conglomerates are not part of the US executive branch — so Big Pharma can pretty much tell Donny to piss straight up a rope, and he can't do shit about it.

Donny's insistence that he can lower drug costs through kingly fiat is so nonsensical that even The New York Times had no choice but to commit a journalism and point out that Dear Leader was blowing smoke up an entire nation's ass.

President Trump on Monday signed an executive order asking drugmakers to voluntarily reduce the prices of key medicines in the United States.

But the order cites no obvious legal authority to mandate lower prices.

the order cites no legal authority, because Donny has no legal authority.

let's back up and take a look at the larger context: there shouldn't have been any need for Donny to issue his idiotic order in the first place — because if Donny had just done nothing at all, we would already have lower drug prices.

in August of last year, the Biden administration announced that they were lowering the prices on prescription drugs.

how did Team Biden accomplish this? by negotiating with drug makers.

HHS has reached agreements with all participating manufacturers on new negotiated, lower drug prices for the first 10 drugs selected for the Medicare drug price negotiation program.

cool deal, right? not bad for the guy who got hounded out of the presidential race for being icky and old and probably already dead.

hey, you'll never guess what Mad King Donny did on the VERY FIRST DAY of his second reign: he look one look at those lowered drug prices and said fuck that shit and fuck it hard.

On Monday, Trump signed a sweeping order aimed in part at reversing several Biden administration executive orders on health care, including efforts to lower the cost of prescription drugs for people on Medicare and Medicaid, enhancing the Affordable Care Act and increasing protections for Medicaid enrollees. The so-called initial rescissions order, according to the Trump White House, is aimed at Biden policies that it says are "deeply unpopular" and "radical."

why would Donny deliberately screw over the American public like that? say it with me: because fuck you, that's why.

so now, four months later, Donny's got a cunning plan to bring drug prices back down to where they already would have been if only he had just done nothing.

here's a question: Donny's supposed to be the greatest deal-maker of all time, right? so why didn't he just negotiate with the drug makers, like Sleepy Joe Brandon did?

because kings don't negotiate, duh! they just break shit they don't understand, and then pretend to fix it.

you're welcome, peons.

can someone please develop a 'smart shot drug' and jab it into Dear Leader's ass? please?

here are your heroes of the day: this group of high school students on a field trip to the US Capitol. they had a very important question for GOP Rep. Brian Jack:

"why is Trump so orange?"

and now, through the magic of the internet, we can reveal why.

Posted on

Monday Morning Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

what kind of shithole country allows its president to accept ginormous bribes

Donny's gifted his very own jet — and gets to keep it

remember that beady-eyed clown-college reject, Comer Fudd? remember how he squandered four entire years tying to catch that wascally wabbit, Bugs Biden?

Comer Fudd was so convinced that the so-called "Biden crime family" had taken a five million dollar bribe from China that he wasted everyone's time on one pointless hearing after another — and the only thing he ever found was Hunter Biden's freakishly oversized trouser snake.

where the fuck is James Comer now? has anyone seen him lately? because at this very moment, we've got an actual corrupt president enriching himself off easily-provable bribes from foreign actors — and all we're hearing from Republicans is crickets.

look at this flagrant in-your-face bullshit.

The Trump administration plans to accept a luxury Boeing 747-8 plane as a donation from the Qatari royal family that will be upgraded to serve as Air Force One, which would make it one of the biggest foreign gifts ever received by the U.S. government, several American officials with knowledge of the matter said.

that's right: you get two government-approved dolls and five pencils, and Donny gets his very own private jet worth four hundred million dollars — because fuck you, that's why.

Donny's getting a new Air Force One because he absolutely loathes the current one. he's been whining about it for years. he thinks it's a shithole. why? because there's no tacky gold crappery in sight. it's just some ordinary fucking airplane. how boring, and how unbefitting of the self-styled Pope-Emperor of America.

so here comes the Qatari royal family, and they're all hey Donny. we've got a big Boeing jet, just for you. you'll love it — it's packed to the gills with gaudy golden tat. here, it's yours. out of the goodness of our hearts.

Donny's been pining after this vulgar flying bordello since forever.

It's bigger and newer than Air Force One — and so opulently configured that it's known as "a flying palace." (No report on whether it contains a golden toilet.)

Apparently he's been talking about the plane for months. In February, he toured it while it was parked at Palm Beach International Airport.

here's a fun quiz: when is an Air Force One not actually an Air Force One? give up? it's when all protocols for accepting presidential gifts are ignored.

The Constitution (Article I, Section 9) prohibits anyone in the US Government from receiving a personal gift from a foreign head of state without the consent of Congress.

this garish jet not a gift to America. it's a personal gift to Donny Convict. the short-fingered fuck gets to keep it when his nightmarish time in office finally comes to an end.

The plane would then be donated to President Trump's presidential library when he leaves office, two senior officials said. Such a gift raises the possibility that Mr. Trump would have use of the plane even after his presidency ends.

"donated" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that paragraph. way to greedwash naked corruption, New York Times.

"Trump's presidential library" — what a laugh. Donny doesn't need a 'presidential library' — the illiterate shitwad doesn't read. what's going to be in Donny's library? a well-thumbed stack of golf scorecards and boxes of pilfered classified documents?

it's embarrassing that the leader of our country is such an easily-bribed child. just wave some gold-painted piece of shit in his face and he comes running.

if you went to any Hollywood studio and pitched a movie about some gold-obsessed halfwit boy-king who went around accepting bribes — and got away with it — they'd throw you out of the office, because who would believe such obvious twaddle?

yet, here we are with Golden Donny, the greedy dumbfuck who's tarted up the Oval worse than some Las Vegas dog's breakfast.

so, what is Qatar getting in return?

any fucking thing it wants — because that's how the game is played in Donnyville. one hand washes the other.

This week Trump takes the first overseas trip of his second presidency. He'll land in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday, followed by a visit to Qatar, and then to the United Arab Emirates (U.A.E).

That's a big boost for Qatar right there.

Trump also just did what Qatar has been wanting done for years — announcing that the Persian Gulf (as it's been known since at least 550 B.C.) will henceforth be known as the Arabian Gulf.

Trump's company has just announced a new golf resort in Qatar, reportedly partnering with a company owned by the royal family.

Qatar is also pushing the Trump regime to lift sanctions on Syria.

just what the world needs, another skeevy golf motel — and since when does Donny get to rename any body of water he wants? who granted him this power?

I don't recall the Supreme Court ruling that Donny is a Very Special Boy who gets to sharpie the shit out of the globe, do you?

so where are all the congressional investigations? imagine that Sleepy Joe Brandon had accepted some $400 million flying abomination. Comer Fudd would have ogasmed on the spot. he would have thought he had died and gone to heaven.

hello, Jimmy? are you there?

where is Attorney General Pam Bondi? oh wait, never mind.

US President-elect Donald Trump's new pick for US attorney general, Pam Bondi, worked as a lobbyist on behalf of the government of Qatar.

In July 2019, Bondi, a partner in the DC office of the powerful lobbying group Ballard Partners, was registered through the firm to influence Capitol Hill on human trafficking issues on behalf of the Gulf state for a fee of $115,000 per month.

but Uncle Jeff, I hear you asking, what if I want to bribe Dear Leader, but I'm not a member of a royal family with spare jets lying around?

no problem, pal — just "invest" in one of Donny's crypto scams. all the cool countries are doing it.

are you in private industry? no worries, ace — Donny's happy to take your money, too.

An international trucking logistics firm is buying as much as $20 million worth of President Donald Trump's crypto coins to influence the administration's trade policy — the precise sort of corruption that experts warned Trump was encouraging when he unveiled his venture.

Freight Technologies Inc. CEO Javier Selgas said in a Wednesday news release that buying Trump coin would be "an effective way to advocate for fair, balanced and free trade between Mexico and the U.S."

it doesn't even matter if the price of the crypto goes up or down — Donny's raking in billions just on transaction fees alone.

hey, here's a fun story that I'm including here for no particular reason.

In 1946, a group of Russian children from the Vladimir Lenin All-Union Pioneer Organisation (sort of a Soviet scouting group) presented a carved wooden replica of the Great Seal of the United States to Averell Harriman, the U.S. Ambassador to the Soviet Union.

The gift, a gesture of friendship to the USSR's World War II ally, was hung in the ambassador's official residence at Spaso House in Moscow. It stayed there on a wall in the study for seven years until, through accident and a ruse, the State Department discovered that the seal was more than a mere decoration.

It was a bug.

oh. huh.

so, how many hidden microphones are Qatari agents installing on that flying monstrosity even as I type this?

on the other hand, who needs hidden microphones, when Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand will happily add you to his Signal chat group? just hit him up, bro.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid

Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich:

Tuberville aces it, Nancy maces it, and so much more…

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: Tommy can you hear me?

failed coach Tommy Tuberville is a cautionary tale for why you should never play football without a helmet. let's listen in as Terminally-Concussed Tommy speaks out in support of embattled Secretary of Defense Little Petey Drunkdial.

"Let's be clear, Pete is not the problem. A lot of the media think Pete Hegseth's a problem. he's not the problem. he's the solution to the problem we've had."

sorry, what problem is Secretary of Defense Kegstand solving?

were there not enough piss-drunk embarrassments in the Pentagon?

was there some deficit of washed-out Fox News chat show hosts among the ranks of the military? too few reporters being texted war plans? not enough civilian spouses sitting in on classified meetings?

I'll give Plastered Pete credit, he absolutely fucking nails all those problems.

tuesday: all hail the glorious accomplishments of … um

this week marked the hundredth day of Mad King Donny's second reign, and Fox News was in a quandary: how do we put a positive spin on this dog's breakfast of complete fucking calamity?

they couldn't go with "Dear Leader shit on the Constitution and disappeared legal immigrants into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag and also 'deported' a child with cancer who happens to be a US citizen, and oh hey, next week all the shelves in your supermarket are going to be empty because of the trade war" — because that shitfuckery is wildly unpopular, even with the Fox News crowd.

so what did Fox end up running with? this:

— declassified the JFK files
— ended federal support for paper straws
— ended production of the penny

oh man, that is … pathetic.

Fox left out renamed the 'Gulf of Mexico' to 'Gulf of America' — but maybe even that's too embarrassing to list.

better luck next reign, bro. meanwhile, here's Homer Simpson to play us out with some very sad trombone.

whomp-whomp.

wednesday: ai yi yi

oh look, the christofascist computer jockeys have been churning out more AI slop portraying their vision of the perfect American future. check out this nightmare fuel.

this abomination ticks all the boxes.

— a message up top instructing men to be productive, and women to be subservient.
— a white, impossibly blond couple sporting 1950s hairstyles and clothing.
— the missus is cradling her pregnant belly
— in the background is mid-20th-century suburban house.
— and there's a smiling black man who is super fucking pumped to be doing menial tasks for whitey.

wait, what the fuck? what was that last one?

it's the same old racist nonsense we've been hearing for decades. 'black folks were a lot happier when they knew their place. they just love being subservient to their betters.'

let's recall what that Duck Dynasty schmuck said back in 2013:

"They're singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, 'I tell you what: these doggone white people'—pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."

that's some Gone-With-the-Wind-level revisionist bullshit — only now it's been updated for the 21st century, thanks to malignant assholes with access to AI.

seriously — they're not even hiding it. check out this lunacy.

utter nonsense.

besides — everyone knows that the best-manicured lawns are mowed by a small boy being yelled at by a confused old man.

thursday: her pronouns are 'stupid' and 'fucking idiot'

oh look, the Scarlet Moron has been flapping her ignorant gums for airtime again.

Nancy Mace: "it's happening everywhere. first, it was the University of South Carolina with thirteen genders on a dorm application, and then I come to find out a few weeks later I was wrong. Clemson had fifteen genders — and none of the fifteen genders on their form had male or female. they had something like cisgender male, cisgender female — and I don't even know what that means. that's not science."

"that's not science." what the fuck does this caterwauling ninny know about science? here's a fun fact: even Google's janky AI is smarter than Nancy Mace. here's what it says about gender identity.

"There is no single definitive list of 15 genders. The concept of gender is fluid and diverse, encompassing a wide spectrum of identities. While some organizations and individuals may list specific genders, it's important to recognize that people may identify with multiple genders or gender identities that don't fit neatly into pre-defined categories."

how about that? a fucking computer program has more empathy than the entirety of the Republican Party.

I'm afraid you're a fucking idiot, Nancy

I did a find a set of fifteen gender identities by once again using the Big Google Machine:

Agender, Androgyne, Bigender, Cisgender, Genderfluid, Gender-nonconforming, Genderqueer, Intergender, Intersex, Omnigender, Non-binary, Questioning, Transgender, Transsexual, Two-spirit

so, is Clemson using this exact list on its dorm application, or is Nancy Mace just cynically creating a manufactroversy? I don't know, and who fucking cares if Clemson does? it's nobody's business.

what I do know is that Nancy Mace is a broken-inside fuckwit with an unceasing need for attention that can only be described as pathological.

Nancy needs you to know that there are two very big reasons to look at her right now.
hey, here's a cool quote. see if you can guess who said it.

"I strongly support LGBTQ rights and equality. No one should be discriminated against."

"I have friends and family that identify as LGBTQ. Understanding how they feel and how they've been treated is important. Having been around gay, lesbian, and transgender people has informed my opinion over my lifetime."

that was Nancy Fucking Mace, back in 2021 — right after she'd been elected to the House by running on a platform of inclusivity.

but all that silly shit about tolerance has been swept under the rug — because Nancy discovered that she could get a lot more face-time on Newsmax by transitioning into a hateful asshole.

friday: from the mouths of babes

hey, Texas State Rep. Nate Schatzline — why did you run for office?

"what got me involved was I was out on a prayer run one day. I was praying for my students, for our church, and about that time, I heard the sound of a baby crying. I took out my headphones, I look around — I was in the desert, we lived in California at the time, and now we're back in God's country, in Texas — I looked around and I couldn't find anything. so I kept jogging. about a mile later I heard the same baby crying — and all of a sudden the holy spirit spoke to my heart, and said 'that's the sound of the unborn that are going to die if you don't run for office and protect the unborn.'"

seriously, bro? that's what we're going with?

listen — I hear a baby crying, too. it's the Baby Jesus. I'm on the phone with the Baby Jesus right now, and he's telling me you're full of shit, and your fever-swamp fairy tale never happened.

oh, and you know what else the Baby Jesus is saying? that you need to stop being a reckless shitweasel and get your children vaccinated already.

that's right, Nate lives right in the heart of Measles Alley, and he hasn't vaccinated any of his spawn — because fuck you, science.

The next day, Texas State Rep. Nate Schatzline posted his own video, adding that his children attend Mercy Culture.

"I've gotten word that my children's school has been ranked the #1 most unvaccinated school in Texas & I'm upset…that we haven't celebrated sooner!" Schatzline wrote in the accompanying text.

maybe stop hallucinating about the 'unborn' and start doing something for the actually born.