Category: Beating Back the St00pid

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Monday Tiedrich

look, everything may totally fucking suck right now, what with the economy in tatters, our foreign policy circling the drain, and armed fascists running amok on the streets of our cities — but at least the president of the United States is crazier than a shithouse rat. so we’ve got that going for us.

let me give you fair warning: you are now about to enter Crazytown. population: Donny.

holy fucking shit. this is some seriously deranged stuff. it’s some Hitler-in-the-bunker-level ranting.

let’s see if I can rationally explain what Dear Leader is losing his shit over. the National Trust ⁠for Historic Preservation is suing Donny to block construction of the Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.

The National Trust sued Trump and several federal agencies in December, arguing the project has proceeded without required approvals, environmental review or congressional authorization.

of course the project proceeded without going through any of those proper channels. that’s not how a Mad King rolls. Donny simply had a demolition crew just show up one day to tear that shit down, before anyone had a chance to react.

but what’s even worse for Donny is that the judge assigned to the case seems inclined to agree with the Trust.

At a hearing in a lawsuit brought by the National Trust ⁠for Historic Preservation, U.S. District Judge Richard Leon raised doubts about whether Trump had statutory power to tear down the East ‌Wing with plans to build a ballroom in its place without approval or oversight from the ⁠U.S. Congress.

Leon snapped, “Come on, be serious,” after a lawyer for the administration drew parallels to the construction of a pool during the Gerald Ford administration in the 1970s and to other smaller renovations.

and this is Donny’s reaction to being told ‘no’: to power-load an infinite series of diapers, and melt all the way down on his crappy app.

he’s a fucking child — one with a persecution complex. who fucking talks like this?

“But no, as usual, I got sued, this time by the Radical Left National (No!)Trust for Historic Preservation, a group that couldn’t care less about our Country!”

a delusional narcissist, that’s who talks like that. inside Donny rat-infested brain, the National Trust can’t possibly be an impartial organization tasked with the preservation of our historic landmarks. oh no — if you oppose one of Donny’s fuckbrained schemes, you’re now part of some mythical ‘radical left,’ hell-bent on destroying the country.

I’ll bet the staid bureaucrats of the Historic Trust never thought they’d be labeled ‘enemies of the state.’

but that, my friends, is now the guiding principle of the MAGAsphere: ‘if you disagree with me, you’re the enemy — and if you’re mean to me, I can’t help what comes next.’

let’s watch as Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino — that adorable little Fascist In A Teacup™ — applies this principle to the death and chaos he’s perpetrated in Minneapolis.

“when politicians, community leaders and some journalists engage in that heated rhetoric we keep talking about, when they make the choice to vilify law enforcement, calling law enforcement names like ‘Gestapo,’ or using the term ‘kidnapping,’ that is a choice that is made. there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.”

Gestapo Greg says what?

I’m sorry, Greg — are we hurting your fragile fee-fees by calling you and your lawless masked thugs ‘Gestapo’? well, here’s a free clue: maybe don’t act like Nazis, and we won’t have any reason to call you Nazis. if the jackboot fits, wear it, am I right?

and while we’re on the subject, maybe also don’t dress like you’re in some dinner-theater production of Springtime for Hitler.

but let’s look at the darker side of Obergruppenführer Greg’s message: ‘there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.’

excuse me? we’re now being warned to expect ‘consequences’ from the ‘choice’ of calling a fascist a fascist? on what fucking planet? that ain’t the way it works in America, pal. name-calling is not a capital crime. at least not yet it isn’t.

but this is the rhetoric we’ve been hearing from the Donnyverse ever since Renee Good got gunned down in her car. ‘look at what you made us do.’

“we gotta stop the hateful rhetoric. saying this officer is a murderer is dangerous. it’s just ridiculous. it’s just gonna infuriate people more which means there’s gonna be more incidents like this.”

that was Tom Homan, in the days following Renee Good’s summary execution, warning us to keep our mouths shut, if we don’t want more of the same.

once again, this is classic abuser language: ‘look what you made us do.’

getting back to Obergruppenführer Greg’s soundbite, where he whines about‘vilifying law enforcement’ — let’s be clear about one thing: the actions of the masked ICE thugs can in no way be called ‘law enforcement.’ no actual laws are being ‘enforced’ by ICE on the streets of Minneapolis. it’s state-sponsored terrorism, is what it is.

Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel: “you cannot bring a firearm, loaded, with multiple magazines, to any sort of protest that you want. it’s that simple. you don’t have a right to break the law.”

BZZZT! wrong answer.

Under the Second Amendment and MN Stat. 624.714, permit holders may legally carry firearms in public, including during protests. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that public carry is a constitutional right. Carrying a firearm does not legally constitute “inciting violence.”

I’m so old, I remember what Republicans loved the shit out of people who brought guns to protests.

remember these shitwits?

these MAGA morons were so mad about being asked to lock down and mask up against COVID that they festooned themselves with weapons of mass death and protested inside the Michigan Statehouse.

nobody arrested them. nobody shot them point-blank in the back of their head. in fact, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex lauded them as patriotic heroes of freedom.

and how about these fucknuts?

this is Patricia and Mark McCloskey, reacting in most perfectly normal way to protesters who were simply passing by their house. these paranoid weirdos weren’t gunned down on the spot. in fact, they were honored as keynote speakers at the 2020 Republican National Convention.

and when teenage incel Kyle Rittenhouse brought a weapon to a protest and actually killed people, do you know who defended his ‘right’ to do so? Kash Patel.

“Kash Patel on Kyle Rittenhouse: ‘Where is the due process?’”

excuse me, but where the fuck was Alex Pretti’s due process? he kept his weapon holstered, never drew it, never brandished it — and now he’s dead, thanks to Obergruppenführer Greg’s Gestapo.

our one saving grace amidst all this carnage may well be Donny’s compulsion to overreach and clownfuck his own agenda.

it turns out that Second Amendment absolutists fucking hate it when you try to tell them where they can or can’t bring guns.

“But we must also maintain our core values as a nation, including the right to protest and assemble.”

let’s be clear: Senator Ricketts is not our friend. he’s an asshole who is totally down with ICE disappearing immigrants off the streets of our cities. but he does draw the line at the summary execution of protesters. lucky us.

holy shit, Donny’s even pissed off the NRA. here’s their response to Bill Essayli, one of Donny’s hand-picked MAGAfied US Attorneys, who said, ‘if you approach law enforcement with a gun, there is a high likelihood they will be legally justified in shooting you.’

“This sentiment from the First Assistant U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California is dangerous and wrong. responsible public voices should be awaiting a full investigation, not making generalizations and demonizing law-abiding citizens.”

oh, and the nonsense that Bill Essayli farted out about cops being legally justified in shooting anyone possessing a gun? it’s completely fucking wrong.

The U.S. Constitution (particularly the 2nd, 4th, and 14th amendments) prohibit officers from shooting citizens merely for possessing a weapon that is not an “imminent threat”. This was reaffirmed in Graham v Connor, which says force must be reasonable.

Donny’s moving too fast, being too reckless and breaking too much shit in the process. none of the fuckery Donny is perpetrating is sustainable, and very little of it is popular.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it — because I will never stop believing it’s true: someday, this war’s gonna end.

here are your heroes of the day: the good people of Nuuk, Greenland.

that’s a message the whole world can get behind.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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I Will Not Look Away. I Will Not Be Silent.

I don’t care if some of you are tired of the Tiedrich posts. If you don’t like it, go elsewhere. Seriously.

yes, again.

once again, masked thugs who have been conditioned — not trained, but conditioned — to shoot first and think never have gunned down a civilian in cold blood.

and, once again, the vile shitstains responsible for all this fuckery have asked us to — no, I’m sorry, they’re demanding that we disbelieve what we’re all seeing with our own eyes.

here’s what we know so far:

militarized government thugs were patrolling the streets of an American city and harassing its residents — just as the framers of our Constitution intended. they wore masks to hide their identities — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.

five of the masked thugs approached a man who was recording them, pepper-sprayed him, and roughly shoved him to the ground — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.

as the man struggled to get away, one or more of the masked thugs drew his weapon and shot the man several times, killing him — just as the framers of our Constitution intended. as the man lay face-down on the ground, more shots were fired into his lifeless body — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.

it was just another fucked-up day in these United States of Brutal Fascism.

as with the state-sponsored killing of Renee Good three weeks ago, the worst people in the world immediately started lying their insipid faces off about what had happened.

they blamed the victim — Alex Pretti, a 37-year-old intensive care nurse — painting him as the latest Radical Leftist Lunatic™ to get what was coming to him.

here’s some truly Orwellian shit from Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino, everyone’s favorite bite-sized fascist.

“the suspect also had two loaded magazines and no accessible ID. this looks like a situation where an individual wanted to do maximum damage and massacre law enforcement.”

fact check: bull fucking shit, Pocket Nazi.

The Department of Homeland Security said the episode began after a man approached Border Patrol agents with a handgun and they tried to disarm him. But footage from the scene shows the man was holding a phone in his hand, not a gun, when federal agents took him to the ground and shot him.

so, let’s talk about that gun that Alex Pretti was carrying.

His concealed weapon was found only after he was restrained on the sidewalk, the videos show. It appears to have been taken from him before the agents opened fire.

according to Minneapolis police, he had every legal right to carry it.

“The only interaction that we are aware of with law enforcement has been for traffic tickets and we believe he is a lawful gun owner with a permit to carry.”

let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: the ICE thugs were never in danger. Pretti’s weapon remained holstered, and was never in his hand. what was in his hand was very clearly a cell phone. I mean, even low-wattage ICE morons can tell the difference, right?

the very same people who have spent year fetishizing the right to carry weapons in public are shocked — shocked! — to discover that people are exercising that Constitutionally-protected right.

let’s gaze in awe as ICE Barbie once again drags the truth out back to the gravel pit and shoots it in the face.

reporter: “did the 37-year-old who had a license to carry, did he brandish a gun?”

Kristi Noem: “this individual showed up to impede a law enforcement operation and assaulted our officers. they responded according to their training and took action to defend the officer’s life and those of the public around him, and I don’t know of any peaceful protester that shows up with a gun and ammunition rather than a sign. this is a violent riot when you have someone showing up with weapons and are using them to assault law enforcement officers.”

can we please stop calling ICE ‘law enforcement officers’? they’re not enforcing any known laws on the books. what they’re doing is inventing their own laws on the spot — and playing judge, jury and executioner.

but I digress. answer the question, puppy perforator — did Alex Pretti brandish a gun?

fact check: no, he fucking well did not.

hey, you want to see what brandishing looks like? here’s some brandishing.

I’m so old, I remember when some teenage fuckbag showed up at a protest and brandished the shit out of an assault rifle. when he used that weapon to kill three protesters, the entire wingnut ecosystem made him an instant folk hero.

so, to recap: if you’re an anti-fascist protester with lawful, holstered weapon, too bad, fuck-o, it’s summary execution for you. but if you’re a MAGA dipshit openly spraying bullets into a crowd, you’re ‘a nice young man.’

shut up, Piggy.

and you can shut the fuck up, too, Couchfuck McGee.

“This level of engineered chaos is unique to Minneapolis. It is the direct consequence of far left agitators, working with local authorities.”

oh please, don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining. the only people engineering chaos are the masked ICE goons who are going out of their way to harm as many Minnesotans as possible.

Uncle Tim Walz, can you please talk some sense to these shit-kazoos?

“speak out. bear witness and document legally. but I understand the risk in that. and I understand the courage that it takes to have people out there doing this. thank God we have video, because according to DHS, these seven heroic guys took an onslaught of a battalion against them or something. it’s nonsense, people. it’s nonsense and it is lies.”

you know thinks Little Miss Hair Extensions’ Department of Homeland Security has gone to far? the guy who invented the Department of Homeland Security, that’s who. he’s calling today’s DHS fascists — and he’s calling for Preznit Fuckwit to be impeached and removed from office.

“I helped to establish DHS in 2002 and 2003 and later had the homeland security portfolio as a White House Counsel and served as General Counsel of the Department. I am enraged and embarrassed by DHS’s lawlessness, fascism, and cruelty. Impeach and remove Trump—now.”

Democrats must to do whatever they can to shut this shit down — and it looks like they might actually follow through. look at Chuck Schumer.

Strongly-Worded Chuck has come about as close to losing his shit as I’ve ever seen him.

“What’s happening in Minnesota is appalling—and unacceptable in any American city. Democrats sought common sense reforms in the Department of Homeland Security spending bill, but because of Republicans’ refusal to stand up to President Trump, the DHS bill is woefully inadequate to rein in the abuses of ICE. I will vote no. Senate Democrats will not provide the votes to proceed to the appropriations bill if the DHS funding bill is included.”

Jake Sherman of Punchbowl News points out that — assuming that Chuck isn’t just Lucy-and-the-footballing us — all this could lead to another government shutdown.

“This ICE situation is a nightmare for the Senate. Cannot see a scenario in which Senate Dems can vote for this 6-bill package which includes DHS funding. Govt shuts down Friday. First Senate procedural vote likely not until Wednesday, giving them limited room to maneuver. House on recess. Any changes to the bill would require the House. Shutdown a real possibility at this point.”

so, fun week ahead.

I think it’s great the Democrats are finding their voices, but as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reminds us, none of this shit is normal — especially the GOP’s total abdication of any responsibility to rein in Dear Leader’s excesses — and we should reject every attempt to normalize it.

“this really isn’t just about Democrats. this is about Democrats, Republicans, and independents. and I think, right now, in this moment, there has been this permission structure where we have all universally accepted that the Republican Party will simply just have no morals, or fall in line with the president of the United States — and we have to challenge that logic and rhetoric every single time. I believe that often times they are given a free pass, and this accepted logic just allows them to continue to vote without any resistance from the constituencies, because we’ve accepted some foregone conclusion.”

now for your heroes of the day: the brave — and I do mean brave — Minnesotans who used debris — and then their own bodies — to block an armored vehicle from advancing.

(video credit: Brendan Gutenschwager via Threads.)

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Saturday’s Pavlovitz

Dear President Trump,

It’s taken me a while to realize and admit this, but I’m grateful to you.

I’ve spent a decade openly lamenting your presence and the poison it has so effortlessly released into our nation’s blood system.

Today, I find myself horrified at a second term that is doing even greater damage than I ever imagined it would. My heart has been hourly broken as I’ve watched our country imploding, our public discourse become polluted, our daily existence grow ever more corrosive, and I’ve wrongly assumed you were to blame.

Yet, I’ve come to understand that you haven’t manufactured our current national ugliness; you’ve simply revealed it and leveraged it.

By generating a limitless torrent of hateful, mean-spirited ignorance, you’ve given other like-minded people license to do the same. You’ve opened up the floodgates for their collective moral sewage to flow fully. People no longer hide their malevolence behind feigned politeness and phony civility; they now revel in it, they broadcast it, and they celebrate it.

You’ve made bigotry, misogyny, and racism socially acceptable again, and that has been a kind of twisted gift because it’s allowed me to really see people, not as they pretend to be on the surface, but in the very depths of their calloused hearts.

Over and over throughout the last decade, your supporters would always tell me that they liked you because you “speak your mind,” yet I realized a long time ago that it is because you speak their minds. You’ve given credence to their phobias, sanctioned their prejudices, and normalized their contempt for their neighbors.

Thanks to the terrible ground you’ve broken, politicians, pastors, friends, and strangers, both in person and on social media, now regularly out themselves as cruel, intolerant, and malicious. They remind me just how close they are to me, just how deep the sickness in us runs, and just how far a nation we have to go to become worthy of our songs and anthems.

You’ve emboldened people to be open about things they used to conceal for the sake of decorum, and though it turns my stomach, I know that this is the only way we can move forward; to have that cancerous stuff exposed fully so that it can be dealt with. Our progress as a nation is predicated on authentic dialogue, no matter how brutal and disheartening that dialogue is.

In other words, you’ve let us know what we’re really dealing with here and while it’s been rightly disturbing, it’s also been revelatory. That’s the thing about that kind of harsh light: you’re forced to see everything; beauty and monstrosity equally illuminated.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me: I think you are the most malignant President in our nation’s history, and I fear gravely for the world my children will inherit, should America survive your Presidency at all. I believe you’re a soulless, loveless, irredeemably hateful bottom-feeder; the very worst of what humanity has produced.

But regardless of what happens now, you’ve already allowed me the blessing of discovering the truth: about me, about my neighbors, about my friends and family members, and about our country.

And in the process, you’ve also shown me that I am not alone in resisting you and the sickening, grievous things you’ve revealed about us.

You’ve generated an equally loud, equally passionate response to it, and this is where I find my hope these days.

I find it in those for whom equality, freedom, and justice aren’t just cheap buzzwords or hollow sentiments; they are the most precious of hills to die on.

I find it in those people who refuse to be silent in the face of our moral regression.

I find it in those who are willing to be more bold in defending the inherent value of all people.

I find it in the growing army of those true patriots who will not tolerate hatred as a core American value.

I find it in human beings who fiercely reject white supremacy in every form.

I find it in those who reject violence as a default response to dissension.

I find it in the ever-rising voice of people who will not let your malice and bitterness represent them in the world.

I find it in the ordinary activists who will not allow us to repeat the worst of history here.

Today I find my hope in those who, like me, will not be complicit in allowing exclusion to become a source of national pride, who will not tolerate an America that is bereft of empathy and drained of diversity, because we’ve seen where that leads.

Yes, President Trump, you’ve unearthed our hidden afflictions, and you’ve paraded them unapologetically in the light of day.

You brought every awful thing about us out into the open so that we can face it without myth or misunderstanding.

You’ve shown me that America is greater than you and your sycophantic disciples’ plans for it, and that it is worth fighting for with everything I have.

And for all of this, I thank you.

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Midweek Tiedrich

let’s start with a bang, and put our Hero of the Day right up top.

here’s Anders Vistisen, Danish politician and member of the European Parliament, speaking for the entire world.

“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”

it must be said that Anders Vistisen is not our friend. he’s as far-right as they come — and it is absolutely heartbreaking to have to note that it took a Nazi to speak bluntly to Dear Leader.

yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Donny’s second reign — so naturally, preening peacock held a victory lap, in the form of an excruciatingly long, incoherent shit-show of a press conference.

let’s gaze in awe as Donny encounters a tool for the first time, and learns to master it.

whoops, wrong clip. sorry. here you go, here’s President Hominid, mastering a new tool.

“here’s, uh, the book on— accomplishments. and this is something— woo, I’m glad my finger wasn’t in that sucker. [hold up binder clip] that could have done some damage, but you know what? I wouldn’t have shown the pain. I would have gone back. boy did you hear that? that was nasty. but I would not have shown the pain. I would have acted like nothing happened, as my finger fell off. that was nasty. I think somebody did that. [points to camera] it was him. it was my man. how are you? you didn’t do it. I know you didn’t. I know you didn’t. so, uh—”

hey, you know what, Donny? fuck off. it was a paper clip. stop being a drama queen.

thank god Donny’s bone spurs weren’t acting up, and preventing him from heroically winning the War of the Binder Clip.

that pile of papers Donny’s brandishing in the above clip, that’s his list of ‘365 wins.’ that’s what the whole presser was about, Donny bragging about his (imaginary) wins.

let’s check out just one of them, number 243.

#243 says: “Stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden of his taxpayer-funded Secret Service detail.”

Donny, fuck off. that’s not a ‘win’ — that’s the act of a toxic piece of shit obsessed with settling scores.

hey, where do you think ‘suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files’ was in Donny’s list of wins? I’d have put it at number one.

now excuse me, but what the fuck is this, and where does ‘blithering like a lunatic’ land on Donny’s win list?

“we had in my area in Queens, I grew up in Queens, we had a place called Creedmore. Creedmore. does anybody know that? Creedmore. it was a big— I said ‘mom, why are those— bars on the building?’ I used to play little league baseball— there. a place called Cunningham Park. I was quite the baseball player. you couldn’t believe it. but I said to my mother, ‘mom—’ she would be there always there for me, she said ‘son, you could be a professional baseball player.’ I said ‘thanks mom.’ I said, ‘why are those bars on the windows?’ big building. big, powerful building that loomed over the park, actually. she said, ‘well, people that are very sick are in that building.’ I said, ‘boy.’ I used to always look at that building and I’d see— big building, big, tall building, it loomed over the park, sort of. now that I think of it, I think it was pretty unfriendly, sad. but I— I’ll never forget— I don’t know if it’s still there.”

get the idea? it was a big, tall building — powerful, in fact, with tears in its eyes.

of course, that fascinating anecdote took place in the old days, when Donny used to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time.

so, what was the press doing, while Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ brain was visibly leaking out of his ears? just what they always do: sitting there like useless lumps, nodding their heads. this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 2,122nd day.

instead of any ‘what the fuck’ bravery, we just got the the usual fresh load of horse shit. here’s NPR’s Mara Liasson’s hot take.

“And what else struck me about this press conference was how similar Trump and Biden were. Both of them tried to convince Americans that the economy was a lot better than voters’ own experience of the economy is.”

worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press, please stop it with this both-sides nonsense.

we’re one year into this nightmare, and the press is still normalizing and sanewashing Donny’s outright fascism.

“President Donald Trump has commanded attention during his second term. From military interventions to controversial social media posts, the Republican has rewritten the presidency’s role in a divided country.”

oh please, fuck straight off with this tepid pablum.

Donny isn’t ‘rewriting the role of the presidency.’ he’s pouring gasoline all over the Constitution and setting a fucking match to it — and by dancing around the issue couching it in oh-so-polite terms, the press is aiding and abetting him.

Gavin Newsom is in Davos this week, and he’s got a message for the gathered world leaders: cut the bullshit, and stop kowtowing to Donny.

“it’s time buck up. it’s time to get serious. stop being complicit. it’s time to stand tall and firm. have a backbone. I’ve seen this in the United States. playing Congress, playing both sides, saying one thing in a text or tweet, another publicly. it’s time to have principles. it’s time to stand tall. it’s time to stand united. have principles. I can’t take this complicity. people rolling over. I should have brought a bunch of knee pads for all the world leaders. I mean, handing out crowns, this is pathetic. Nobel Prizes that are being given away. it’s just pathetic. and I hope people understand how pathetic they look on the world stage. I mean, at least from an American perspective. it’s embarrassing. one thing they can’t do is what they’ve been doing, and they’ve been played. this guy’s playing folks for fools, and it’s embarrassing.”

Gavin is spot fucking on — because world leaders have indeed spent a year flattering Donny, and appeasing him, hoping that by stroking his unquenchable ego, they could somehow magically come out on top.

in case you’ve forgotten, South Korea really did literally give Donny his very own crown.

what did South Korea end up getting in return? not one fucking thing.

yet the flattery and kowtowing goes on, right up to into the new year. we even saw it yesterday, in the text message from Macron that Donny posted on his shitty app. look at this obsequious drek.

“my friend.” “we are totally in line.” “let us try to build great things.” “let’s have lunch, I’ll invite whoever you want to.”

oh please. Donny is laughing his ginormous ass off at what a fool you are.

hey, you know who else thought he could flatter his way to victory?

this homey. Neville Chamberlain, pictured here with his best bud, Adolf Whats-His-Name.

in 1938, Chamberlain came up with an awesome idea: all Europe had to do was flatter old Adolf, tell him what a great guy he is — and if they him keep Sudetenland, that’ll satisfy him, and he’ll leave the rest of the world alone.

come on, Adolf. let’s do lunch. I’ll invite whoever you want.

tell me, how did flattery and appeasement work out for Europe?

Anders Vistisen, can you step back in here for a moment and remind that everyone tyrants need to spoken to in the only language they understand?

“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”

thanks, bro. now get your right-wing ass out of my sight.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Sunday Tiedrich

is the leader of your country crazier than a shithouse rat? is he out wandering in the tall weeds, where the buses don’t run? is he a few sandwiches short of a fucking brain?

here’s one sure way to tell: does he spend his time rage-posting stark barking bonkers threats to take over other countries?

fact check for the United States: yes, he does. lucky us.

holy. fucking shit. 445 words — every single one of them delusional.

this may be the dumbfuckiest thing Donny’s ever posted. there’s no polite way of sugar-coating this: Dear Leader is coo-coo for cocoa puffs.

before we even begin wading through the content of this crazypants post, we need to remind ourselves that we’ve become so normalized to Donny’s behavior, it’s easy to forget that how utterly fucking insane it is.

it’s not normal for a head of state to spend all day and all night crapping out hundreds of posts an hour onto an app he paid someone to create after getting banned from twitter for doing an insurrection.

and on no planet is it normal for a world leader to conduct high-level foreign policy via a medium that was invented for looking at cat pictures and gossiping about celebrities.

no other president or prime minister does this. France’s Macron isn’t up all night whining about every grievance on some crappy app he’s named La Vérité Sociale. he has better things to do with his time. oh, and he’s a mature adult, not some diapershitting rage-baby.

that said, let us now gird the shit out of our loins, and take a deep dive into Donny’s post. all girded up? okay, here we go.

We have subsidized Denmark, and all of the Countries of the European Union, and others, for many years by not charging them Tariffs, or any other forms of remuneration. Now, after Centuries, it is time for Denmark to give back — World Peace is at stake! China and Russia want Greenland, and there is not a thing that Denmark can do about it. They currently have two dogsleds as protection, one added recently. Only the United States of America, under PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, can play in this game, and very successfully, at that!

delusions of grandeur much?

Donny might as well just shove a Napoleon hat onto his head and declare himself Emperor of the Universe.

fun fact: we already have a US military base in Greenland. we can already defend the country if need be — and trust me, China and Russia couldn’t give a fuck about Greenland. it’s of no strategic value to them, and Greenland’s resources are too expensive to extract.

Nobody will touch this sacred piece of Land,

this is where you can invoke the ‘in my pants’ rule. ‘nobody will touch this sacred piece of land — in my pants.’

especially since the National Security of the United States, and the World at large, is at stake. On top of everything else, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Finland have journeyed to Greenland, for purposes unknown.

not for ‘purposes unknown,’ you deranged rodeo clown.

eight NATO countries have taken the extraordinary step of pledging military support for Greenland — to protect them from a maniac who spends his idle hours pointing at random countries on a globe and going ‘mine now.’

it’s as if Donny is starring in a version of Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator — except one that’s not funny.

oh wait, we already had a version of The Great Dictator that wasn’t funny. it was called The Third Reich.

look at where we are right now, thanks to Donny’s imperialistic fever dreams: it’s us versus NATO. can you fucking imagine that? we used to lead NATO, and now we’re a pariah state.

ace job, Donny. take a fucking victory lap. our next president is going to have so much to clean up after, that it’s going to take years to glue all the pieces back together.

Greenland wants no part of becoming America’s fifty-whatever state. there were massive demonstrations in Greenland and Denmark yesterday. look at the cool hat they came up with for the occasion.

now that’s a MAGA I can get behind.

by the way, over two hundred thousand Danes have signed a petition to buy California from America, which would be the most hilarious thing ever.

anyway, back to Donny’s post—

This is a very dangerous situation for the Safety, Security, and Survival of our Planet. These Countries, who are playing this very dangerous game, have put a level of risk in play that is not tenable or sustainable.

‘a level of risk in play that is not sustainable’ — in my pants.

Therefore, it is imperative that, in order to protect Global Peace and Security, strong measures be taken so that this potentially perilous situation end quickly, and without question. Starting on February 1st, 2026, all of the above mentioned Countries (Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Finland), will be charged a 10% Tariff on any and all goods sent to the United States of America. On June 1st, 2026, the Tariff will be increased to 25%. This Tariff will be due and payable until such time as a Deal is reached for the Complete and Total purchase of Greenland.

tariffs again — because why not? let’s have a trade war and a land war. what could possibly go wrong?

sure, let’s punish American shoppers and raise the price of everything — again — because Donny’s Big Mad about NATO not letting him do an imperialism.

tell me, what ever happened to the lie about how tariffs were going to make everything cheaper? Donny’s not even bothering to spin that bullshit any more. now he’s just using tariffs to punish other counties who won’t obey his orders — because Donny doesn’t care how, he wants Greenland now.

The United States has been trying to do this transaction for over 150 years. Many Presidents have tried, and for good reason, but Denmark has always refused.

fact check: holy shit, Donny said something that’s actually true. three times in the past, we’ve floated the idea of buying Greenland from Denmark. in each instance, the Danes politely declined. you know why? because they’re a sovereign fucking nation, and have the right to say no. oh silly me, I forgot that Donny isn’t big on consent.

Now, because of The Golden Dome, and Modern Day Weapons Systems, both Offensive and Defensive, the need to ACQUIRE is especially important.

‘the need to ACQUIRE is especially important’ — in my pants.

Hundreds of Billions of Dollars are currently being spent on Security Programs having to do with “The Dome,” including for the possible protection of Canada, and this very brilliant, but highly complex system can only work at its maximum potential and efficiency, because of angles, metes, and bounds, if this Land is included in it.

again with the ‘Golden Dome,’ Donny’s own version of Reagan’s ‘Star Wars’ missile defense shield — except this one’s batshittier, more unpractical and more expensive than St. Ronnie’s ever was. and it’s gold, because of course it is. this fucking child and his infantile obsession with gold.

I have an idea. instead of flushing hundreds of billion of dollars down the toilet on an unworkable waste of time that will never be built, why don’t we have affordable healthcare in our country?

silly me for even asking. you don’t have to say it, I’ll just go proactively fuck myself.

The United States of America is immediately open to negotiation with Denmark and/or any of these Countries that have put so much at risk, despite all that we have done for them, including maximum protection, over so many decades. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

‘thank you for your attention to this matter’ — in my pants.

DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

ugh.

oh, and that wasn’t Donny only batshit post from yesterday. he also took time to whine about Joe Biden’s autopen.

“Everyone is asking about the Autopen?”

‘what about the autopen’ — in my pants.

“There must be a price to pay, and it has got to be a BIG ONE!”

everybody say it with me: ‘there has got to be a BIG ONE’ — in my pants.

it’s definitely time to do a palate cleanse with our hero of the day: Abigail Spanberger, who was sworn into office yesterday, becoming Virginia’s first woman governor.

what was one of her first acts of office? to end her Republican predecessor’s kowtowing to Donny’s personal gestapo.

On her first day as Governor, Abigail Spanberger made a decisive move: she vetoed Executive Order 47, ending Virginia’s participation in the federal 287(g) program that allowed local law enforcement to act as ICE agents.

awesome. more like this, please.

have a great Sunday, everyone.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Dear Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

Thank you for your kind note letting me know that you’re worried about me, and you wonder if I realize I’m coming across as angry lately.

Your assessment is correct, and yes, I do realize it.
I am angry.
I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry for that.

I understand your discomfort, as I can imagine I’m not all that fun to be around right now, and that from time to time my words may come across as combative or abrasive or unhelpful. I’m probably more than a bit of a downer lately.

You’re going to have to bear with me, as I haven’t been sleeping well for a bit. Admittedly, I’m not at my best these days, so please forgive me because I’m chronically overtired. I’m exhausted from having to give all the sh*ts about people that you’re supposed to be giving, along with my own.

I’m worn out from keeping up on legislation and watching hearings and staying on top of details and remembering deadlines and imploring action, while you go about your day as if such things are an annoyance, as if they are a disruption to your plan, as if the expiration date for my outrage should have long ago passed.

I am absolutely burnt out from trying to make my voice loud enough to counteract not only the bad people’s incredible volume but your deafening silence. Both of these things are doing similar damage right now, sadly.

Believe me, I understand that my activism is a problem for you. Please know that your inactivism is similarly problematic for me. It’s part of the reason I am as angry as I am; because I’m not only having to fight against those who seem furiously bent on hurting people—I’m having to fight against those who don’t seem give enough of a damn that they are doing so, to say anything.

Look, I get it, I really do. It’s difficult to see so much bad news, to fully face the relentless flood of terrible, to try and wrap your brain around seemingly boundless cruelty around you. It’s tiresome to spend so much time with a closed fist. I know it’s even a pain in the rear end to endure the continual rantings of people like me on your news feed and in your timeline and across the dinner table and in the break room.

I’m tired of me, too.
I’m over the fight, as well.
I’m sick of the sound of my own voice.
I’d rather not be doing this either.
I’d much rather prefer to forget about it all and just enjoy life, to only post pictures of puppies and my kids and to simply ignore all that “political stuff” that you ignore.
But that is what privilege looks like: to even believe I have such an option, to have the great luxury of living without urgency because I can seemingly shield myself from it all.

That is what the bad people are counting on. They’re counting on good people being too tired, too apathetic, too selfish, or too oblivious to sustain their outrage. I am not going to give that gift to them.

As long as they’re fully invested in putting people through hell, I’m going to be as invested in pushing back against it.
I think the people I love are worth it.
I think you and the people you love are worth it.
I think people I’ll never meet are worth it.

And that’s the rub here: love will often look a lot like rage as it fiercely fights on behalf of those who are being brutalized.

So yes, angry is not all that I am, but I am rightly and quite angry.

And it would be really helpful if we could carry the load of outrage right now.

That would actually be a source of rest and joy and breath for people like me.

Friend, if you really want me to be less angry, you might try being a little more angry yourself. We’re all in this together.

I am angry, concerned friend.

I wish you were angry too.

 

Posted on

There Are No Words To Describe How Much I Despise Trump

folks, the president’s brain has left the station. I’m not sure it’s ever coming back.

Upgrade to paid
after its long holiday break, Congress was back in session yesterday — and Mad King Donny chose to mark the occasion by giving what might charitably be called a ‘speech’ to Congressional Republicans.

I have no idea what cocktail of drugs his handlers pumped him full of, but holy fucking shit.

Republicans, how the fuck are you not embarrassed by this?

pink hair, orange face, three chins, delicate little white porcelain doll hands, and a brain that’s out there wandering where the buses don’t run. the GOP’s beloved Dear Leader is a clown — but you couldn’t possibly hire him to entertain a child’s birthday party, because he would just terrify the crap out of everyone.

as is his usual wont, Preznit Fuckwit rambled incoherently for an hour and a half, blithering about fever-swamp hallucinations that exist only inside his big, dumb pumpkin head.

“they are mean, and smart. but fortunately for you, they have horrible policies. they can be smart as— can be. but when they want open borders, when they want, as I said, men in women’s sports. when they want [waves his arms] TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE! bring your kids in, we’re gonna change the sex of your child. just send them our way. in some cases, LIKE IN MINNESOTA, they don’t even tell the parents, is that right? and nobody believes it when I say it. I think we have six states. nobody— am I correct? it’s true. when the kid comes back— they keep the kid— they operate on this kid, they don’t tell the parents. it’s not— believable.”

fact check:

how were the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets not chasing Donny off the stage after that crazypants soliloquy?

for those of you keeping score at home, they’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they fraudstering the daycare centers — and they’re transgendering everything in sight.

but Donny’s speech wasn’t all batshittery. he also threatened us all with a good time.

 

“you gotta win the midterms. because if we don’t win the midterms— it’s just gotta be— I mean, they’ll find a reason to impeach me. I’ll get impeached.”

no fucking shit, Sherlock.

that clip alone should motivate every Democrat to run to the polls this November — because the quickest way to put an end to all this fascist fuckstickery is for the Democrats to retake the House, and gain a supermajority in the Senate.

now tell me — what the fuck is this?

“she hates when I dance. I said, ‘everybody wants me to dance.’ ‘darling, it’s not presidential.’ she actually said, ‘could you imagine FDR dancing?’ she said that to me. and I said, there’s a long history that perhaps— she doesn’t know. because he was an elegant fellow. even as a Democrat, right? he was— the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant. but he wouldn’t be doing this. but— but— [laughs] nor would— too many others. but she says ‘darling, please. the weightlifting is terrible.’”

neither Donny nor Melania have any idea that FDR was confined to a wheelchair, do they? for a second there, I thought Donny was going to point out her error, but then the coked-up squirrel running around in his head chewed through the wrong wire, and what seeped instead out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant.’

come on, that’s not even a coherent sentence by any stretch of the imagination. where are the men with the butterfly nets?

by the way, this is the Melania version of a ‘sir’ story. you know it never actually happened, because there’s no way Donny’s Slovenian rent-a-wife would ever call him ‘darling.’ she hates his guts.

‘fock off. you take own car.’

Donny sure is convinced of his own dancing prowess. he never shuts the fuck up about it. has Donny ever actually seen himself doing his ‘jacking off two invisible giraffes’ dance?

he should be embarrassed by that shit — but he’s not. he’s super fucking proud of it. in fact, have you heard the latest? apparently, Donny’s hella pissed at Nicolás Maduro for — hold onto your hat — stealing his dance moves.

President Trump accused Nicolás Maduro of attempting to steal his famed dance moves after reports that the White House believed the deposed dictator was mocking the US.

what the fuck is this thin-skinned bastard whining about now? aside from the fact that here we have two authoritarian idiots who have no idea how to dance, how are these the same?

it’s truly stunning how many grudges Donny has running around in his noggin. how does he keep them all straight?

so, is this the true Donroe Doctrine? ‘you steal my dance, I steal your oil’?

because Donny is def stealing Venezuela’s oil.

I am pleased to announce that the Interim Authorities in Venezuela will be turning over between 30 and 50 MILLION Barrels of High Quality, Sanctioned Oil, to the United States of America. This Oil will be sold at its Market Price, and that money will be controlled by me, as President of the United States of America, to ensure it is used to benefit the people of Venezuela and the United States! I have asked Energy Secretary Chris Wright to execute this plan, immediately. It will be taken by storage ships, and brought directly to unloading docks in the United States. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

what the fuck? Donny’s just going ‘mine now,’ and straight up absconding with Venezuela’s oil, giving them jack shit in return?

or course, Donny doesn’t see this as stealing, because he’s conveniently convinced himself that all that oil is actually his, and fuck those wily Venezuelans for very sneakily putting all their land on top of his oil. what the hell, Venezuela?

again, where are the men with the butterfly nets? because his farcical insistence that ‘all that Venezuelan oil has been stolen from America, and we’re just taking it back’ is just as bonkers as believing that doctors in Minnesota are transgendering the shit out of everyone in sight.

of course, none of this fuckery is legal — or constitutional. Donny can’t just extort another country’s natural resources, like some mobster going ‘nice country you got here. be a real shame if something were to happen to it.’ he can’t sell off all that oil and stick it in some mysterious bank account, to spend it as he — and he alone — sees fit. collecting and allocating funds is Congress’ job. it’s right there in the fucking Constitution.

but there I go again, prattling on about what Donny can’t do. Congressional Republicans aren’t going to stop him. they’ve completely abdicated their responsibilities. why did Holy Mike Johnson even bother to gavel Congress back into session, if they’re going to go sit there like useless lumps?

by the way, ‘30 to 50 million barrels of oil’ may sound like a ginormous amount, but it’s not. America burns through about 20 million barrels of the stuff every day. all that shit’s gonna be gone in two or three days — and Donny will be back at Venezuela’s door, like a junkie hankering for a fix.

all this is pretty dreary shit, so let’s take a break, grab some popcorn, and enjoy some Republican-on-Republican violence.

Matt Gaetz: “when did Dan Bongino run for office and how did he perform as a candidate?”

Dan Bingo-Bongo Bongino: “Maybe if I spent more time at shady parties with monied insiders I would’ve won. I heard you’d know a bit about that. You’ve always been a dick by the way. Grifting off your daddy like a suckling little doggie. When I first met you in the panhandle I knew you were a piece of shit. It’s written all over that phony face of yours.”

does Matty Plankhead indeed have a phony face? let’s do a quick fact check.

yes, he does.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Tiedrich

when talking about yesterday’s smash-and-grab escapade in Venezuela — and the plunder to come — where do we even start? with how lawless it is? because it absolutely is completely fucking illegal — and unconstitutional.

with how insane it is? because it’s off-the-charts crazypants.

with how unnecessary it is? the American people didn’t vote for this.

with how unrealistic the goals are? of course it’s all unrealistic. Donny and his toadies live in a fantasy world.

with how it’s just a naked grab for Venezuela’s oil? no fucking shit, Sherlock.

how about we start here: let’s talk about how impaired and unfit for office Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is — because he could barely stay awake during his own victory lap.

as soon as someone else started talking, Preznit Fuckwit started sawing logs — while standing up. who says Dear Leader isn’t a man of many talents?

as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us during the Iraq debacle, sometimes you go to war with the narcoleptic fart factory you have, not the narcoleptic fart factory you want.

for fuck’s sake, what’s with all the slurring?

“the United Sases militareese the strongest and most fearsome military on the planet by far, with capabiliseesanshkills our enemies can— [long pause] scarshely begin to imagine.”

oh come on. this is so embarrassing. Donny can no longer read. his brain is fried. maybe he should stick to what he’s good at: pointing at a drawing of a camel. can someone get Dear Leader a pudding cup and lead him back to his room? he should be in bed, not overseeing a war.

hey, you know who’s going to be running Venezuela now? Donny is.

“we’re going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious transition.”

oh, how lovely. the shitwit with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel — who acts first and thinks never — is now going to two running two countries at the same time. the business genius who, as his fifth consecutive casino went bankrupt, said ‘let’s open a sixth’ is going to be making decisions about two ginormous economies — all while shopping for marble for his vulgar Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.

yeah, right.

now here’s a question: who the fuck is running Venezuela right this very second?

Donny doesn’t know, or apparently even seem to care.

Trump: “There is nobody to take over. You have a vice president who has been appointed by Maduro. She’s I guess the president. She was sworn in just a little while ago. She had a long conversation with Marco and she said, ‘We’ll do whatever you need.’ She really doesn’t have a choice.”

in fact, the Venezuelan Veep has already told Donny to go fuck himself.

Venezuela’s Vice President Delcy Rodríguez condemned the U.S. attack and capture of President Nicolás Maduro on Saturday, saying in a televised address the nation “will never return to being the colony of another empire.”

Rodriguez insists that Maduro is still Venezuela’s president.

“There is only one president in Venezuela, and his name is Nicolas Maduro Moros,” Rodriguez said in a televised address to Venezuelans hours after the U.S. strikes and Maduro’s capture.

and according to Reuters, Rodriguez is in Russia right now.

Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodriguez is in Russia, four sources familiar with her movements said on Saturday, after President Donald Trump said President Nicolas Maduro had been seized by U.S. forces after an attack on the country.

so, again, who is running the country?

Donny’s already thrown the opposition leader under the bus.

Trump on María Corina Machado: “I think it’d be very tough for her to be the leader. She doesn’t have the support or the respect within the country. She’s a very nice woman but she doesn’t have the respect.”

the thin-skinned bastard is still big mad that Machado won the Nobel Peace Prize and he didn’t, isn’t he?

this plundering of Venezuela going to be a fucking disaster — and not the fun, entertaining, Stephen-Colbert-eating-popcorn kind of disaster.

it’s going to be a five-alarm shit-show, complete with chaos and suffering civilians.

back in November, The New York Times actually committed a journalism and ran a long piece about how during Donny’s first term, the military ran a simulation on what would happen if the US ousted Maduro. their conclusion was that it would be a clusterfuck.

but Donny doesn’t give a shit about any possible turmoil and violence among the Venezuelan people. Venezuelans can go fuck themselves sideways, as far as Donny’s concerned. he’s made it very clear that this is all about grabbing that sweet, sweet crude.

 

Fox & Friends: “what do you see as the future of Venezuela’s oil industry?”

Donny: “well I see that we’re gonna be very strongly involved in it. that’s all. what can I say. we have the greatest oil companies in the world.”

and — oh look — the ‘greatest oil companies in the world’ are already on the job.

Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”

hey, remember that deal Donny made with oil executives back during his campaign? the one where he said ‘give me a billion dollars and I’ll take care of you’?

well, here’s your quid for that bit of pro quo. it’s all so fucking corrupt, and it’s going on right under our noses.

but Donny, who’s going to pay for all this shit?

reporter: “is it possible that the US ends up administering Venezuela for years?”

Donny: “well, you know, it won’t cost us anything because the money coming out of the ground is very substantial.”

oh lord, how fucking delusional. ‘the war going to pay for itself.’ gee, where have we heard this before? oh, yeah: back when Dick Cheney and his merry band of fuckface neocons decided to plunder Iraq. every single one of those shitbags bragged about how their awesome adventure was going to pay for itself.

“Iraq is a very wealthy country. Enormous oil reserves. They can finance, largely finance the reconstruction of their own country. And I have no doubt that they will.”
— Richard Perle, chair
The Pentagon’s Defense Policy Board
July 11, 2002

spoiler alert: the Iraq War ended up costing us over three trillion dollars.

hey, New York Times Editorial Board, could you explain to the nice people why Donny’s lawless adventurism sets a horrendous example for the rest of the world?

“By proceeding without any semblance of international legitimacy, valid legal authority or domestic endorsement, Mr. Trump risks providing justification for authoritarians in China, Russia and elsewhere who want to dominate their own neighbors.”

exactly. Donny bombing the shit out of Venezuela and going ‘mine now’ — because reasons — is no different than Putin’s war on Ukraine.

what are we going to say if Xi decides to roll tanks into Taiwan? spoiler alert: we’re not going to be able to say shit — because the US is now a rogue nation.

so much for Saint Reagan’s vision of America as a ‘shining city on a hill.’ awesome job, Donny, we’re now a pariah state. take another victory lap.

oh shit, they are taking another victory lap. they’re already drooling over the prospect of the next war.

Rubio: “If I lived in Havana in the government, I’d be concerned.”

how about Marco Rubio take his unearned hubris and shove it where the sun don’t shine?

maybe win the first war first, you arrogant fools.

you know who could put an end to this fuckery in a heartbeat? Congressional Republicans, by using their Constitutionally-mandated powers to authorize wars — but they’re not going to. in fact, they’ve already rolled right the fuck over.

Tom Cotton: “Congress isn’t notified when the FBI is going to arrest a drug trafficker or cyber criminal here in the US, nor should Congress be notified when the executive branch is executing arrests on indicted persons. and that’s really what you can make the analogy to here.”

that, folks, is how the Republicans are justifying allowing Donny to do whatever the fuck he wants — by pretending that this isn’t a war, it’s a law enforcement action.

‘war? what war? do you see a war anywhere? this is just Donny carrying out an arrest warrant for Maduro and his wife. we’re powerless to stop that shit. who says it’s a war?’

fuck off, you cowards.

now let’s talk about the Democratic response to Donny’s lawless fuckery, because there are two ways to go about it: the right way, and the Chuck Schumer way.

here’s the right way:

Rep. Seth Moulton: “is anyone going to just stop for a second and be honest? this is insane. what the hell are we doing? we’ve got a lot of problems in America today, and invading, occupying, running Venezuela does not solve any of them.”

thank you, Rep. Moulton. we’re all standing with you.

now here’s the Chuck Schumer way.

Asked about the possibility of impeachment, Schumer says ‘we hope that we can have support from our Republican colleagues to put a brake on this long before it gets that far.’”

oh fuck straight off to the moon and back, Chuckles. how fucking naive can one person be? on what planet are Republicans are going to put a breakon this? did you not hear what Tom Cotton just said, you hayseed?

let’s be clear-eyed about our Senate Minority Leader: Schumer’s a great guy to have around if there’s absolutely nothing at stake. need someone to speak at the dedication of a new post office? Chuck’s your man. need someone to make sure all the procedural i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed in some piece of shrimp boat legislation? here comes Chuck!

but Schumer isn’t a fighter. he never has been. right now, he should be screaming his head off about impeachement. that’s what Republicans would be doing if it were Joe Biden smashing and grabbing in South America. but instead, he’s making weak mewling noises about ‘support from our Republican colleagues.’ what the fuck?

Chuck Schumer just isn’t up to the task. it’s time for him to retire.

finally, let’s talk about how hastily this war was thrown together — because it did seem rushed, didn’t it? and those stage-managed photos going around, of Donny and Liddle Marco and Flippy McCrushnuts, acting all warlike and stuff?

that’s not the White House Situation Room. nor is it a secure SCIF, where classified intel can be discussed without fear of leaks.

for fuck’s sake, it’s the dining room of Motel-a-Lago, partitioned with black sheets. anyone wandering past, on their way to breakfast, could have heard what was going on.

how fucking rinky-dink is that?

so, why did this thing have to happen in the dead of night during New Year’s weekend?

it’s all about the timing.

Congress is back in session this week, and they have a lot of stuff on their plate — stuff Donny doesn’t want them dealing with. like the Epstein Files, for which the DOJ just missed another deadline. then there are the Obamacare subsidies, which expired four days ago.

fuck’s sake, there’s another possible government shutdown looming on January 30 — that needs to be dealt with, too.

but now, all anyone is going to be talking about is Venezuela.

that’s pretty convenient, isn’t it?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Friday Tiedrich

are you sitting down right now? I sure hope so, because here’s some shocking news: it turns out that the guy who lied to us about bone spurs, and lied to us about hush money, and lied to us about his Ukraine phone call — and about a hurricane and covid and the election and his height and his weight and his golf scores and how tariffs work, and about thirty thousand other things — has been lying about his health.

I know, right?

apparently, Donny got wind of the fact that the Wall Street Journal was going to commit a wall-street-journalism by documenting all the ways in which Dear Leader is falling apart physically — and he reacted in the most Donny way possible: he phoned the Journal and started whining about how unfair they’re being to him.

In an impromptu phone interview that came after the Journal shared details about its reporting with the White House, the president expressed irritation about the public debate over his health. He has grown upset with his own White House staff for not promoting him as more vigorous.

spoiler alert: this whole ‘interview’ is just Donny lying his big dumb pumpkin face off, spewing the usual fever-swamp hallucinations about how he’s super fucking healthy — healthy like no one thought possible, maybe the healthiest person ever.

“My health is perfect,” he added.

whatever you say, President Rottinghand.

speaking of which, we’ve got it all wrong about Donny’s rotting hand. those bruises, apparently, happen because Donny’s been gobbling aspirin for decades.

The large dose of aspirin he chooses to take daily has caused him to bruise easily, he said, and he has been encouraged by his doctors to take a lower dose. But Trump has declined to switch because he has been taking it for 25 years. “I’m a little superstitious,” he said in the interview.

oh please, the only thing of Donny’s that ‘bruises easily’ is his paper-thin ego. but do tell us more about your crackpot theories of medicine, Mister Windmills Give You Brain Cancer — we can’t get enough of that shit.

“They say aspirin is good for thinning out the blood, and I don’t want thick blood pouring through my heart,” Trump said. “I want nice, thin blood pouring through my heart. Does that make sense?”

Donny wants nice, thin blood like no one thought possible — and he asks us if that ‘makes sense,’ not wanting thick blood gumming up the works.

of fucking course it doesn’t make any sense. don’t take my word for it. let’s listen to an expert. Dr. Jonathan Reiner was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.

“when we use any anti-coagulant, medications to prevent clotting, those don’t thin the blood. it’s not like changing something from gumbo to chicken soup. it doesn’t make it thinner, it makes you less likely to clot. it used to be that we would treat a lot of people with aspirin therapy to prevent heart attacks — but we’ve learned in recent years that particularly people over the age of 70, not only is there no benefit in terms of just primary prevention, trying to prevent a cardiac event by giving them aspirin, that there can be hazard.and the hazard can be bleeding. significant bleeding. so here’s the interesting thing about this. the president is apparently is taking 325 milligrams of aspirin per day, which is essentially one adult size aspirin tablet. but the dosage that we use for patients, even with documented chronic artery disease, is a quarter that. 81 milligrams per day. so why is the president taking an unorthodox dose of aspirin? the media has published many photos of his right hand, and now maybe his left hand, with his chronic bruise, and the White House has said that this is related to chronic aspirin therapy. so if you’re bruising a lot, and your doctor says you’re on too much aspirin, why wouldn’t you go down to a lower dose?”

ooh ooh! I know the answer to the doctor’s question: it’s because Donny’s a fucking imbecile who is serenely convinced of his own imaginary genius. he know more about doctoring than all the doctors.

of course Donny isn’t going to take the recommended dosage (which isn’t even recommended any more). small pills are for losers. real men chow down on the big-ass kind. so naturally Donny’s going to take the aspirin that goes up to eleven.

meanwhile, the White House is sticking to its ‘Donny’s fist is mangled because he shakes a lot of hands’ fairy tale — but even Donny’s own toadies know that’s a load of shit.

His physical signs of aging are becoming more evident to some of his closest advisers. His skin is so delicate that Pam Bondi, now his attorney general, caused his hand to bleed when she nicked him with her ring while giving him a high-five at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.

in fact, Donny’s left hand recently appeared to have a hole in it.

so, who is Donny shaking hands with that he’s ended up with punctures on the back of his hand? Wolverine?

Trump said he applies makeup to his hands after he gets “whacked again by someone.” He added: “I have makeup that’s, you know, easy to put on, takes about 10 seconds.”

if it takes Donny ‘ten seconds’ to cover his hand, I wonder how many seconds it takes him to spackle his face.

I’m guessing five.

obviously, we’re being lied to. no one is shaking Donny’s hand to the point where the fucking thing looks like someone slammed it in a car door. Donny has clearly been repeatedly receiving intravenous fluids for kind of ailment that they’re hiding from the public. it’s an insult to our intelligence for the White House to insist otherwise.

hey, here’s something else we’ve been getting wrong about Donny. he’s not a narcoleptic fart factory who chronically saws logs in public. he’s just relaxing his eyes.

“I’ll just close. It’s very relaxing to me,” he said in describing shutting his eyes. “Sometimes they’ll take a picture of me blinking, blinking, and they’ll catch me with the blink.”

you know, like he relaxed his eyes at the Pope’s funeral.

who among us hasn’t momentarily relaxed their eyes to the point where their mouth falls open and their entire body goes slack?

oh look, Donny and the White House are once again lying to us about every fucking thing.

when is an MRI not and MRI? apparently when it’s a CT scan, that’s when.

He has for weeks said that he underwent an MRI at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in October. When asked about the procedure by the Journal, Trump and his doctor said he got a different form of imaging: a CT scan. “It wasn’t an MRI,” Trump told the Journal. “It was less than that. It was a scan.”

Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, Trump’s doctor, confirmed in a statement to the Journal that Trump had received a CT scan.

what in the actual fuck? after weeks of Donny and his flunkies telling us that he got an MRI, now it’s a CT scan? and even the doctor who released that farcical ‘summary’ about Donny’s MRI is now on board that it was a CT scan?

do you think maybe Dr. Barbabella could go on record and explain to us why, if we were all mistaken about which procedure Donny underwent, he didn’t correct us, y’know, two fucking months ago?

The White House declined to make Barbabella available for an interview.

oh. huh.

we’re either being lied to now, or were lied to then. I’m not sure which is the better scenario.

for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.

I’m sorry, but this guy is not well.

look, Donny is suffering from a lot of shit. he is clearly not up to the rigors of presidenting. he disappears from public for days at a time, without explanation. he’s tired. he’s confused. his memory is shot. he can’t tell fact from fiction. he’s hard of hearing. his hands are rotting and his cankles look like they’re about to explode.

that’s a whole lot of pathologies. let’s put them all together and call it fuckbrainscabosis.

We the People have a right to know what’s going on. Dear Leader’s handlers need to stop jerking us around, and release Donny’s complete medical records. tell us why he got an MRI, or CT scan, or whatever the fuck we’re calling it today. and how about explaining to us once and for all how his shot-to-pieces ear magically regenerated itself.

and — as long as we’re calling for releasing stuff — let’s go. Dead Pedo Bestie Files. snap it up already.

Zohran Mamdani was sworn into office yesterday as Mayor of New York — and here’s one of the very first things he did: he issued an executive order shitcanning a metric fuckload of previous mayor Eric Adams’ executive orders.

“He has wiped off the books EVERY Eric Adams executive order issued on or after September 26, 2024, the day Adams was indicted on federal bribery charges.”

this is how it’s done — and I certainly hope that the next Democratic president is paying close attention.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Year In Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 3)

as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.

September 8: I meant to do that

folks, if you’re MAGA, and you’re determined to mace the shit out of protestors who showed up to an anti-ICE demonstration, it helps to know which end of the doohickey the spray comes out of.

spoiler alert: yup, she maced herself — and not in the performative Nancy-Mace-beclowning-herself-in-front-of-a-unisex-bathroom way.

she did it in the very, very bad oh-my-god-my-eyes-my-eyes way.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, UNKNOWN MAGA DIPSHIT.

you helped our post get off to a great start. ten out of ten. no notes.

September 15: peak Kirk

in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.

folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.

Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”

I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.

but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.

it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.

by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.

September 18: I never forget a face

it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.

that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”

Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —

and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.

so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?

remember, you’re under oath.

October 1: give that skateboard the Nobel Peace Prize

this was one of the shittiest years ever, so let’s just enjoy Fox News’ own dunk-tank clown, Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, flipping a skateboard into his own nuts, on live TV.

oy my god, that sure looks like it hurt like fuck — so let’s savor the moment, and gif that shit for all eternity.

chef’s kiss! let’s zoom in.

suck it up, Warrior Boy.

and mad props to the kid behind Kegstand, who absolutely could not give one shit that the Secretary of Self-Owns just neutered himself.

October 10: the sounds of silence

now let’s enjoy six-hundred-and-forty-nine-year-old Chuck Grassley forgetting how electricity works.

[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”

I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.

I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.

October 20: hey Donny, I can see the Epstein Ballroom from up here

oh, how cuuuuute! someone strapped Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts into the child seat of a fighter jet, and took him for a joyride.

let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: Pete Kegstand was a passenger. no way was he flying the plane — not with his blood-alcohol level.

of course, the Department of Defense went out of their way to crop that video in a way that implied Piss-Drunk Pete was piloting that jet — because that’s what you do when your SecDef is a banty rooster with a paper-thin ego in need of constant affirmation that he’s something other than a two-bit Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown.

Bob Clendenin, can you please explain to the nice people why no one with a functioning brain should be impressed by this ridiculous public relations stunt?

sure, but you know doesn’t have a functioning brain? MAGA, that’s who. those dumbfucks immediately started punching the air and going ‘Kegstand, fuck yeah!’

Community Notes, could you please explain to MAGA what they’re too dim to grasp on their own?

coolest SecDef ever? absolutely not. drunkest, maybe.

October 29: blessed are the joyless scolds

here’s a grand October tradition: Christian evangelicals shitting all over Halloween.

Amanda Grace: “so, I want to speak to these people that want to take part in these ceremonies today. that want to take part in horrific wickedness today. you are nothing more than a slave to Satan and his kingdom. he hates you, he cannot stand you, because whether you like it or not, you’re made in the image of God. and you are just a means to his end. you are a slave to his exploits. you are in bondage to do his bidding.”

lighten the fuck up, Francis.

holy shit, lady. I just wanted to dole out some candy to kids.

I’m pretty sure Satan has more important stuff on his plate right now, what with an entire White House to run.

seriously, could evangelicals please shut the fuck up already and let the rest of us have our fun? it’s not our fault that you can’t find joy in anything, so stop shitting all over ours.

November 13: first they came for whatever the fuck this is

Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.

Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.

Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”

Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”

spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.

I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’

this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.

November 20: as what’s-his-face is my witness

holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.

 

“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”

I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’

hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

November 26: u wanna b what?

folks, please meet the Department of Homeland Security’s acting chief security officer, Iwona B. Horyn.

yes, that’s really her name.

she’s right there on the DHS web site.

and please, let’s not mock Iwona for it. she didn’t choose her name, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s already endured a lifetime of teasing.

but there is one thing I’d like to ask Ms. Horyn’s parents.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

why didn’t the person filling out the birth certificate snatch the baby out of Mother Horyn’s hands and say ‘you can have her back when you come to your senses.’

we don’t know how Iwona feels about any of this. she’s not saying. neither is her husband, Hugh G. Rection.

December 2: blessed are the gullible

podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’

but Joe’s not above making his own nonsensical high-as-fuckpronouncements.

“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”

I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’

this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.

as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.

December 22: always be grifting

we should check in with Erika Kirk, the widow of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. she’s been though some shit lately. what’s that, Erika? you’ve got a ‘holiday season message’ for us?

“HOLIDAY MESSAGE: @MrsErikaKirk shares her — and what would have been Charlie’s — holiday season message: ‘Just rest…Love on your babies. Love on your family members. Life is short.’ Find Charlie Kirk’s final work, ‘Stop, in the Name of God,’ at http://45Books.com.”

hang on, did Erika actually end that message with a book plug? oh yes, she fucking well did!

so, apparently, the five stages of MAGA grief are denial, anger, podcasting, publicly making out with JD Vance, and selling merch.

just in case Erika Kirk profiting off her husband’s murder doesn’t creep you out enough, here’s another fun thing the Garden Gnomists™ have done.

yup, they’ve recreated the tent where the misshapen gnome was assassinated — and the cultists are all invited to take selfies in it. how fucktacularly ghoulish is that?

you know where they got this brilliant idea to fetishize tragedy, don’t you? from Dear Leader, who has turned an entire wall at the White House into a shrine to his Miracle Ear Nicking.

who the fuck does that?

that puts a wrap on 2025, folks. have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve!

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Year in Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 2)

as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.

May 1: come again?

the world’s most tiresome assholes got another chance to completely lose their shit when James Fucking Comey instagrammed (and then deleted) a photo of seashells spelling out “86 47.”

but let’s leave the whole ridiculous “what could 86 possibly mean” manufactrovery aside for now, and focus instead on the aromatic mouth-farts of the rake-steppingist fuckwit in Congress — because James Comer Fudd knows exactly what the deal is.

“nothing would surprise me at all if that was intentional and they were trying to jizz up some type of coup.”

Christ on a cupcake, Comer Fudd, the expression is “gin up.” and how many coups do you know of that started with seashells? now stop trying to jizz up controversy and go home. we just started this post and we’re already fucking exhausted.

May 7: all genders, no brains

Nancy Mace — America’s self-appointed panty inspector — has a fetish. can you guess what it is?

that’s right, Nancy Mace is way too into posing in front of bathroom doors. and nothing makes Nance happier than finding — the horror! — an all genderbathroom, as happened this week during a visit to Austin.

oh my god. break out the smelling salts and help Nancy to the fainting couch — it’s the fucking fall of western civilization.

has this attention-starved busybody never been on an airplane? those are all-gender bathrooms. has Nancy Mace never been inside her own house?

oh, and that sign that Nancy is so horrified by —

that’s the ADA-mandated sign you see outside every handicapped bathroom. they’re literally everywhere and there’s nothing controversial about them. only one person uses them at a time.

Nancy knows this. she’s just being a performative-nonsense asshole and playing to the cheap seats.

find a new hobby, you creepy weirdo.

May 26: sticker shock

folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.

here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.

oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?

no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.

oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.

of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.

so there was no damage?

well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?

sorry. tell me what happened next.

I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —

— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.

wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.

yeah, that’s pretty much it.

I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.

June 13: on the where?

let’s check in with the Secretary of the Army, Dan Driscoll. apparently he’s got some stunning news he can’t wait to share.

 

“we talked to an astronaut yesterday who’s on the moon, who’s a soldier.”

obviously, Dipshit Dan meant to say ‘international space station’ — but overcome by his boyish excitement over being on TV, he completely shanked it.

end of story, right?

wrong. Danny’s slip of the tongue caused the dumbest fuckwads on the planet — the I Did My Own Research crowd on Elon’s Nazi Bar — to orgasm on the spot.

“Interesting. It has been understood that we’ve had a presence there for a very very long time.”

a very long time? really? so, why haven’t we heard anything about this before now?

“Because they hid things from us.”

I mean, obviously — and that’s not all they’re hiding from us.

“If you go on Rumble, pull up Super Soldier Talk. We have soldiers on Mars. Fascinating stuff on there!! You have to use portals to get there. Look for JP & I can’t remember a guy named James last name. Women too! Unreal what they go through & time travel involved too.”

portals and time travel and bears, oh my!

I have no clue what’s going on with this next not-tweet. my batshit-to-english translator is on the fritz.

“so we know the enemy has control of the airways. Where do the airways come from?”

it’s a totes legit question: where do the airways come from? I’m guessing the air.

now let’s hear from the lone dissenting voice in the whole comment thread below that clip on not-twitter.

“There aren’t. We’ve never been to the moon.”

that’s it. I quit.

June 23: useless tool discovers useful tool

let’s all gaze in awe as a prehistoric hominid learns to use a simple tool.

whoops! sorry, wrong footage! here we go:

tell me, who had the bright idea to make Marjorie Three Toes Greene chairperson of anything, and put a gavel in her hand? because nobody could have predicted that this ninny would immediately become intoxicated with power and make a noisy fucking fool of herself.

can someone get this spork-footed freak of nature a bag of walnuts, so she can at least do something useful while she bangs away like a two-year-old?

July 4: read the room, asshole

what. the. fuck. is. this.

 

is there a gas leak in the Tapper household? there’s really no other rational explanation for this Hall-of-Fame-level tone-deaffery.

I’m going to let Threads user Toby Morton do my work for me here, because I could not have said it any better than this.

Reason #47 why jaketapper is a piece of shit: He looked at a collapsing democracy, women losing rights, climate hell, people being kidnapped off the streets, and thought: “You know what this moment needs? A cartoon Uncle Sam on a surfboard, high-fiving an eagle with a burger and Jack Daniels.”

Jake Tapper: The human equivalent of a sparkler. Briefly impressive to toddlers, completely useless in a crisis.

by the way, the comments under Tapper’s post are priceless.

where is the lie?

and because a meme is worth a thousand words, let me leave you with this.

July 10: runnin’ with the devil

let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”

wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?

excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call

yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.

July 22: cloudy with a chance of dumbfuck

what happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial, but evidently the covid pandemic completely clownfucked her brain, because now she’s a full-bore conspiracy loon.

not only does Naomi find the evil machinations of the Deep State lurking around every corner — she seems completely befuddled by the sky.

“I don’t even know what this is, Salem MA”

ooh! ooh! ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!

oh wait, the entire internet got there before me.

now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter —

— because the entire internet also showed up to mock the shit out of Naomi’s dumb-as-fuck tweet.

undaunted, Naomi’s back for more.

ok, I confess, Naomi. this is what clouds look like when the Jewish Space Lasers are scanning the Earth in search of fuckwit conspiracy loons to torment.

don’t mess with us.

July 28: tle’s erdi!

you remember Mike Collins. he’s the MAGAfied rage-muppet who got elected to Georgia’s 10th district in 2022 on the strength of a campaign ad wherein he treats a voting machine the way Kristi Noem treats a frisky puppy. Mike AR-15’d the shit out of that machine to prove that ‘Dear Leader actually won in 2020,’ or some such ludicrous fever-swamp bullshit.

well, the King Of All Dumb-Ass Ads is back — and now he’s running for Senate.

I’m not going to bother to show you the entire ad Mike’s brain trust cooked up to announce his candidacy, because seriously, it’s 37 seconds of who gives a shit. it’s just a bunch of nonsensical MAGA mumbo jumbo.

instead, let’s just sit back and enjoy the ad’s final five seconds.

“Georiga.” Christ on a crepe suzette, how on earth did you imbeciles manage to fuck up the spelling of your own state?

August 7: the continuing adventures of Dildo J. Trump Jr.

oh look, the worst fucking people in the world have found a new way to call attention to their dumb-ass shitwaddery. they’re throwing green dildos onto the court during WNBA games. no, really.

why are they doing this? who knows? do the worst fucking people in the world really need a reason to do any of the stupid misogynistic bullshit they get themselves up to?

all you need to know is that no hateful bid for attention is complete until Cokey McSniffles Jr. gets involved.

oh look, Cokey’s abusive father is throwing a green dildo from the roof of the White House down onto where a women’s basketball game is taking place. I guess it’s on the that parking-lot abomination where the Rose Garden used to be?

don’t ask me, I’m not the janky AI that generated it.

give it up, Junior. your father is never going to love you, no matter how many stupid-ass memes you post.

August 21: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps

here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.

Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.

we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.

also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.

slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.

August 25: mitochondria is skin deep

you could livestream Bobby Brainworms’ entire life and call it Every Fucking Second In Stupid, because when it comes to the whale-head-chainsawing crackpot currently Making Polio Great Again, the batshittery never, ever ends.

but this week, researchers at the Centers for Dumbfuck Control were able to document the moment of Peak Brainworms Stupid, because — oh, joy of joys! — he’s learned a new word.

 

 

“I’m looking at kids as I walk through the airports today … and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, inflammation — you can tell from their faces, movements, and lack of social connection.”

oh, how awesome. Bobby Brainworms has mitochondria-ray vision — and while he’s hurrying through Terminal B, trying to catch his connecting flight to Cloud Cuckoo Land, he’s peering through the skulls of every passing child, magically diagnosing all the pernicious shit going on in there.

and you thought kidnapping a dead bear cub and dumping it in Central Park was weird.

as Jesus wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.’

he also said, blessed are the foreign press, for they will say the things that our own worthless scribblers are afraid to.

and lastly, above all, blessed are the scientists, because — unlike Whale-Chainsawin’ Bobby — they actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.

“Scientist here. Mitochondria do not present challenges to faces, movements, or social connections. Maybe those kids just don’t like you because you’re staring at them like a creep who wants to give them measles.”

’nuff said.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Year in Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 1)

As if we needed any reminder of how horrible this year has been…

as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.

January 8: y-m-c-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

here’s a MAGA moron who could teach a master class in how not to drive. in fact, schools should show this clip in driver’s ed classes — as a cautionary tale. just check out this extensive list of don’ts.

— don’t drive recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t hold your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t sing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— and, for fuck’s sake, don’t announce that “God has cleared a path for us today” JUST BEFORE YOU CRASH YOUR CAR because you were singing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.

— lastly, don’t post your dumb-assery to social media, unless you get off on being mercilessly mocked by the entire world.

know what? I think Mr. Retribution himself, God, zapped this fucker for being a dipshit.

January 20: the what now?

banning TikTok was bad enough, but now these puritanical fucksnoots have gone way too far.

January 27: we don’t need no edumacation

America, meet your new dumbed-down-as-fuckWhite House Press Corps. Donny’s press office has been doling out credentials to various wingnut noise machine randos — people like Natalie Winters, the co-host of one-man leper colony Steve Bannon’s War Room podcast. that’s right, Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts now has eyes and ears in the White House press room.

look how proud Natalie is to show up for her first day of work.

notice anything weird about that tweet? maybe Natalie’s creative spelling of the word correspondent?

typos are not necessarily stupid. we all make them, all the time. what’s totally fucking stupid is not deleting that tweet and posting a correction. five days later, it’s still in her feed. journamolism at its finest.

February 20: punctuation, how does it work?

a picture is worth a thousand words, so feast your eyes on a bunch of grown-ass men wearing jackets bearing the words “Born to Ride Donald J. Trump.”

who wants to tell them?

February 21: instant karma’s gonna get you

it’s been a shitty week, so let’s just sit back and enjoy pardoned Proud Boy Enrique Tarrio smacking the phone out of some woman’s hand and then immediately getting arrested for assault, handcuffed and carted away.

as the assaulted woman puts it,

“you don’t get to just put your hands on people. you don’t get to come here and do whatever the fuck you want. you just assaulted me, and now you’re getting arrested. good fucking job, you idiot. you pathetic piece of shit.”

she’s right, isn’t she, John Lennon?

February 27: nice try

Alexa, can grinding your jaw be a sign that you’ve hoovered way too much coke?

Cocaine jaw, also known as “coke jaw,” is a common side effect of cocaine use. It refers to the uncontrollable grinding of teeth and repetitive clenching of the jaw often observed in individuals who misuse cocaine.

oh gee.

Alexa, can putting your hand not quite to your mouth and then pretending you’re chewing on something be an effective way of masking that you’re coked to the fucking gills?

I’m going to go with no.

March 6: the flight of the Enola Homosexual

gather ’round, children, Uncle Jeff is going to read you the story of Enola, the Very Gay Airplane. it goes like this:

once upon a time, there was this ahem alleged sexual-assaulting christofascist named Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand.

Pete was the Big Boss of the United States military. now, Pete loved the military and he loved men — but not all men. Pete only loved the manliest of men. he hated any man who wasn’t among the manliest of manly men.

now, Pete was very afraid that if his manly army of the very manliest manly men accidentally caught a glimpse of the wrong sort of word — for instance, a word like ‘gay’ — they might go a little funny in the head, and get bad ideas. and so Pete directed his military to remove all the wrong sorts of words from their files.

and that’s how the US military ended up removing photos of the Enola Gay — the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan — from its archives.

look, you imbeciles: the Enola Gay wasn’t called that because it was a boy plane that was really into other boy planes. the plane was named after Enola Gay Tibbets — the mother of Col. Paul Tibbets, its pilot.

I suppose if dear old Enola wanted a plane named after her, she should have had the decency to be named Enola Incredibly Straight Tibbets.

March 14: who would Jesus date?

christofascist pastor Joel Webbon finds himself in a bit of a sticky wicket. you see, he was hoping to sell tickets to a Christian singles event, and it seems that he’s now having to give them away for free, because … well, let’s let Joel explain.

“…completely free, and also the admission cost to the singles event. we are hoping to fill up our singles event, and finding godly Christian single women has been, well, I’ll just say, much more difficult than finding godly Christian single men.”

now comes the part where we throw back our heads in laughter.

no one could have predicted this. really weird how a bunch of unpleasant misogynistic god-botherers can’t find any women who want to attend their Incelpalooza.

hey, Pastor Joel — I’m playing gospel hits for you, on the world’s tiniest violin.

April 3: how obsequious is this?

here’s what happens when you take Graham Allen, a rando MAGA podcaster, and give him a job as the Department of Defense’s ‘digital media director’:

“How AMAZING is this?!? President Trump just stepped off Marine One and got into a golf cart at the LIV Golf League tournament.”

Graham, I’ve got North Korean State TV on the phone. they’re saying to tone it down, your praise of Dear Leader is waaaaaaay too over the top.

but please, riddle me this: what the fuck is so amazing? is it that Donny didn’t waddle about with toilet paper stuck to his shoe? (October 4, 2018)

is it that a furious Slovenian rent-a-wife didn’t jump into the cart in before Donny could, and make him take the next one? (January 20, 2024)

is it that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants didn’t get lost on his way to the cart, and have to be guided back to it by a secret service agent? (July 6, 2017)

or is it just amazing that this dilapidated old toad —

— was able to walk twenty feet without his heart exploding?

opinion among the commenters under that not-tweet, by the way, was split between ‘yes, this is amazing’and ‘Dear Leader isn’t being fascist enough.’

April 15: oopsies!

Donny Convict’s presidential activities can be sorted into two categories: the Fucking Up Of Shit and the Standing Next To Of Athletes. Donny loves to stand next to sports dudes. anyone who wins anything, they get invited to the White House so that weak and insecure Donny can preen with them and pretend that he’s a winner, too.

on April 15, Donny must have been too busy with the Fucking Up Of Shit part of his job, because he outsourced the Standing Next To Of Athletes business to his veep.

did hilarity ensue? it sure as fuck did — because Couchfuck McGee fumbled that shit on live TV.

oh my god, JD — you had ONE JOB: picking up a championship trophy and handing it off to members of the Ohio State Buckeyes. but you couldn’t manage it without breaking the trophy in two and letting it fall from your stubby mitts.

why do they keep letting this doughy pantload out in public? is there one time when he hasn’t screwed the pooch?

hey, let’s gif that shit, for posterity’s sake — and let’s slow it way the fuck down, and wring every drop of stupid from it.

if that’s not a metaphor for Donny’s entire presidency, I don’t know what is.

April 24: go forth and multipl— never mind

America’s christofascist dipshits have been working overtime to convince the nation’s ahem white women to boom out as many ahem white babies as possible. they’re throwing everything at the wall, just to see what sticks. let’s pay them five large to get themselves knocked up. no, wait — let’s give them medals for having six or more kids. (I’m not making this up!)

but of course, no national program to get ahem whitewomen to start fuckin’ with gusto would be complete without the distribution of ludicrous AI-generated slop.

you’ve got your godly marching orders, America’s ahem white women: get to work making sons — because apparently daughters are anathema to His Eye.

speaking of eyes, do yourself a huge favor — don’t zoom in on any of the faces.

also: what the fuck is going on behind the preggobabes? a bald eagle standing guard over a garden-gnome-sized Jesus wearing running shoes?

a brief note to whoever is responsible for this image: eagles are carrion birds. they eat dead things. is Mister Baldie here waiting for Microscopic Jesus to die, so he can chow down? is that really the message you’re intending to send to America’s fertile payload?

while we’re on the subject of horribly-rendered christofascist AI art, what prompt was input in order to come up with this abomination?

“AI, generate for me the dorkiest couple possible, and make sure the woman looks no older than twelve”?

and remember, guys: when Jesus comes to hook you up with your child bride, have your red baseball cap at the ready.

eww. these people are seriously sick.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

it may be Christmas Week in America, but dumbfuckery never takes a day off. yesterday was so chock full of stupid that who even knows where to start? we’re just going to have to spin the Big Wheel of Moron once again, and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh, lucky us. the damned thing landed on Vice President Couchfuck McGee.

is there some kind of Nobel Prize for being repellent? could we get FIFA maybe to work on one? because our favorite furniture fornicator would be a lock to win such a thing — hands-down, year after year.

Couchfuck was at Turning Point’s ‘Americafest’ yesterday. check out the word-adjacent mouth-sounds that seeped out of the doughy pantload’s face.

“in the United States of America you don’t have to apologize for being white anymore.”

oh, thank god. finally — all those centuries of oppression are over for white people.

what the fuck is JD gibbering about? ‘I can’t believe I had to apologize for being white,’ said no white person ever — because it’s not a thing.

white people have been at the top of America’s food chain since day one — and yet, no one ever went broke selling MAGA on the fever-swamp fantasy that it’s the white people who are the real victims. it’s the easiest grift in the world. just tell these shitwits that all their problems are the fault of immigrants, or women, or the transgendered, and they’ll shut their brains and open their wallets.

Couchfuck’s Hindu wife Usha sure looks thrilled to be married to a guy who eagerly tossed away his reputation as a well-respected author and embraced his inner Nazi.

wow, CBS’ flagship news show 60 Minutes is doing a segment on that notorious Salvadoran slave-labor gulag that Donny’s fascist thugs have been disappearing innocent immigrants into.

check out the trailer.

“it began as soon as the planes landed. the deportees thought they were headed from the US back to Venezuela — but instead, they were shackled, paraded in front of cameras, and delivered to CECOT, the notorious maximum security prison in El Salvador, where they told 60 Minutes they endured four months of hell.”

holy shit, this looks awesome. Donny’s massive abuse of human rights is an important story, and we should all be looking forward to seeing it.

oh no, wait, we can’t see it — because hours before it was set to air yesterday evening, CBS yanked the episode from their broadcast schedule.

what the actual fuck?

here’s the actual fuck: the decision to shitcan the segment was made by Bari Weiss, the MAGAfied head of CBS News.

CBS announced the change three hours before the broadcast, a highly unusual last-minute switch. The decision was made after Bari Weiss, the new editor in chief of CBS News, requested numerous changes to the segment. CBS News said in a statement that the segment would air at a later date and “needed additional reporting.”

Bari was just doing the job that her corporate overlords at Paramount had hired her to do: ensure that anything critical of Dear Leader never sees the light of day.

But Sharyn Alfonsi, the veteran “60 Minutes” correspondent who reported the segment, rejected that criticism in a private note to CBS colleagues on Sunday, in which she accused CBS News of pulling the segment for “political” reasons.

no shit, the segment was pulled for political reasons. that’s the whole reason Bari Weiss was hired — to pull CBS News all the way to the extreme right, turning it into a sort of Fox News for people who know which fork is for salad.

even the once-respected Margaret Brennan has now been reduced to carrying water for Donny’s sewer clowns.

here’s Brennan yesterday, defending the DOJ’s Dead Pedo Bestie Files fuckery — and insulting the intelligence of her guests, Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie.

“this isn’t everything you asked for just yet, but would you acknowledge that they are complying with the spirit if not the intent of your law?”

oh come the fuck on, how can Brennan even ask such a question?

Jake Tapper, can you come in here for a second and show us what the Brennan considers ‘complying with the spirit of the law’?

the pre-Weiss Brennan would have never taken Donny’s side on any issue. she would have nailed Pam Bondi to the wall and ripped her several new one. but she’s now traded her reputation as a serious journalist for a handful of Paramount’s magic beans. I hope it was worth it, Meg.

Weiss, CBS News and their new overlords at Paramount are being short-sighted — because when all this is over, we’re not going to forgive the institutions that failed us.

fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how CBS slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’

the institutions we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’

and we’re going to fucking well remember who the cowards were.

oh look, Bari Weiss isn’t finished with us. apparently, she wants to play a round of ‘easy questions, easy answers.’

“has feminism failed women?”

no. fuck no.

but CBS News has failed us all. congratulations, Bari, you’ve clownfucked CBS into irrelevancy.

now let’s sit back for an episode of Gas Leak Theater with Ezra Klein and The New York Times.

“In @nytopinion: ‘A year ago, we kept hearing that Trump was cool. Is anyone saying that now?’ the columnist Ezra Klein writes.”

excuse me, who was saying Donny was cool, aside from Ezra Klein and his dipshit colleagues in the chattering class? was MAGA saying Donny’s cool? no one fucking listens to them. they wear diapers.

Ezra, you need to get out more. go talk to some real people for a change.

being a Times pundit must be the sweetest gig in the multiverse. it doesn’t matter how wrong you are. it doesn’t matter if your premise is as bone-headed as they come. just shit out whatever comes to mind, and boom! you’re a legend.

remember this abomination?

that was nine and a half years ago. Maureen Dowd still has her job, shitting her drek all over the Times op-ed page. yeah, let’s ask all those Venezuelan sailors how dovish Donny is. oh wait, we can’t.

but I digress. let’s address Ezra Klein’s premise, that Preznit Fuckwit is cool.

tell me, Ezra, is this cool?

maybe — just maybe — if you’re one of those invisible giraffes Donny never tires of jerking off, it’s cool. otherwise? yeesh.

now here’s cool:

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Tiedrich

We the People are being shit on again.

it was bad enough when Friday’s deadline came and went without Donny Convict’s corrupt Department of Justice releasing the full Epstein Files, as they were required to by law.

it was bad enough when the DOJ served us a slice of Go Fuck Yourself Pie by releasing less than one percent of the documents in their possession.

it was bad enough when hundreds upon hundreds of the documents they didrelease were completely blacked out and unreadable.

it was bad enough when it became obvious that what was released had been carefully curated to ensure there were almost zero references to Dear Leader.

but things just got a whole lot worse — because these lawless fucks are now memory-holing the shit they did release.

NEW YORK (AP) — At least 16 files disappeared from the Justice Department’s public webpage for documents related to Jeffrey Epstein — including a photograph showing President Donald Trump — less than a day after they were posted, with no explanation from the government and no notice to the public.

stuff that was already on line is now disappearing — ‘with no explanation’ — because fuck you, that’s why. what part of ‘memory hole’ do you need explained to you?

fortunately for us, the internet never forgets — so we can give you at least one explanation:

someone done fucked up and accidentally posted a photo of Dear Leader posing with bikini-clad teenagers.

here’s ‘photo 468’ from the original collection that was posted on Friday.

let’s zoom in on the bottom left of that pic.

oh my. some bleary-eyed FBI Special Agent who’d spent a month working 20-hour days, scouring every photo for appearances of Dear Leader, missed this one.

photo 468 is now gone. if you click on the directory listing for it, you get an error message.

hey, it’s pretty weird how Jeffrey Epstein kept photos of Donny with teenage girls in his desk drawer, isn’t it? you don’t suppose Donny’s dead pedo bestie was planning on using that shit as kompromat, do you?

all these people fucking suck.

here’s another photo that got scrubbed from the DOJ web site.

why? this photo has been in the public domain for years. we’ve all seen it a hundred times.

meanwhile, Donny’s minions are doing their best to smear Bill Clinton as the real criminal in the Epstein Saga. they front-loaded the first batch of the Dead Pedo Bestie Files with as many photos of Bill as they could.

here’s White House Deputy Press Secretary Abigail Johnson, gleefully implying that Clinton and Michael Jackson were cavorting with ‘victims and/or minors.’

“Per the Epstein Files Transparency Act, DOJ was specifically instructed only to redact the faces of victims and/or minors. Here is a picture of Bill Clinton with his arm around Michael Jackson, and redacted individuals.”

for fuck’s sake, this photo doesn’t even have anything to do with Jeffrey Epstein. it’s Clinton with Michael Jackson and his children, and Diana Ross and her son, taken at a fundraiser in DC in 2003.

look, if Bill Clinton was doing sick shit with minors, nail his ass to the wall. chuck him the fuck into prison and throw away the key. I don’t think you’ll find one person on the left who would say anything different. but don’t you dare gun up fake evidence.

that’s the difference between us and them. we want justice, no matter where the chips fall. they want Dear Leader protected at all costs.

tell me, when Donny sent that birthday card to his dead pedo bestie with the poem about the ‘wonderful secrets they shared,’ do you think this is what he was talking about?

here’s another question: do words even have meanings any more? I ask, because look at the twaddle Pam Bondi posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar. she’s proud of her fuckery. she’s calling the release of heavily-redacted documents ‘transparency.’

cool story, Pam. let’s fact-check your claim of ‘transparency.’

congratulations are in order — because Pam’s outdone George Orwell.

to ‘war is peace,’ ‘ignorance is strength,’ and ‘freedom is slavery,’ we can now add ‘censorship is transparency.’

look at what else these DOJ fucksticks did: they forced Jake Tapper to commit a journalism. he hates it when he has to do that shit.

come on, people. Jake doesn’t want to be scrolling though his phone, showing you redacted files. he’s got sixteen more books to write about how Joe Biden is icky and old and smells bad and probably doesn’t even realize that he’s already dead.

“talk about blacking out, I don’t know if we can get a close-up of my phone. this is one of the documents that the Justice Department released. it’s a hundred pages. this is what it looks like. it’s all black. it’s just one hundred pages of redaction. that’s the ‘transparency’ we’re getting here.”

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

Pam Bondi’s DOJ was required by law — one that Dear Leader signed — to release everything by December 19. there were no if, and, or buts. the law didn’t say if it was too hard to get the job done in time — let’s say because there were so many references to Donny that had to be scrubbed — they get a mulligan.

they’re not supposed to crap out some unreadable tiny fraction of the files and pinky-swear to release the rest of it any day now.

oh, look at me — flapping my futile gums about what these shitstains aren’tsupposed to do.

they’re not supposed to slap Dear Leader’s name on the Kennedy Center. they’re not supposed to detain US citizens for the crime of having the wrong color skin. they’re not supposed to have the military occupy American cities. and they’re sure as fuck not supposed to murder Venezuelan sailors for the high crime of being in a boat.

unfortunately, legal accountability for suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files is going to be hard to come by. sure, Congress could submit a criminal referral for obstruction of justice — but do you know who any such referral would be sent to? Pam Bondi. good luck with that.

but here’s one workable option that’s already on the table: impeach the living shit out of Bondi.

“DEVELOPING: Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie say they’re drafting articles of impeachment against AG Pam Bondi over the illegal handling of the Epstein files. This just escalated fast. Accountability is coming.”

sounds like a plan.

hey Pam, you want to avoid that? fine, here’s all you have to do: release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking liar.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Yes, Virginia. They Really Are That Stupid.

From Palmer Report:

Right about now, Donald Trump and his henchmen are probably still patting themselves on the back for having flouted the law by “releasing” the Jeffrey Epstein grand jury transcripts but blacking out literally every word. Their arrogance is off the charts. So is their stupidity.

Did you ever hear about the student who cleverly met the deadline for a five thousand word essay by turning in a document with the same word copy-pasted five thousand times? It’s immediately obvious that this kind of technicality wouldn’t actually work, right? The professor would simply decide that the “essay” didn’t meet the requirements by any realistic measure. This would be a guaranteed way to flunk a class. But it’s precisely the kind of thing that Trump and his latest goons would try – because they just did.

There is no possible way that any courts will agree this 100% redacted Jeffrey Epstein grand jury transcript has met the requirements of the law. But this is how the Trump regime gets away with things, right? Do the wrong thing and then tie it up in court. Except what they’re forgetting is that this storyline is also playing out in the court of public opinion.

This fully redacted grand jury transcript just looks so, so bad for Donald Trump. No matter what excuse his babysitters give for redacting the entire thing, the media and the public are going to assume that it’s really because Trump is in the transcript. Otherwise why do this?

And so now Donald Trump’s Jeffrey Epstein scandal is somehow even bigger, even uglier, even more forcefully back in the headlines than before. The media knows it has a winner of a story now. And the public is about to become more invested than ever when it comes to what Trump is hiding about his connections to his dead pedophile friend.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid

monday: ’tis the season to be batshit

Christmas is mere days away, so let’s take a peek into the MAGAsphere and see how they’ve been decking their halls.

oh, fucking hell.

now there’s a role model.

‘look darlings, it’s Dear Leader’s mug shot.’

what’s a mug shot, mommy?

‘it’s the photo they took of Dear Leader the day he was arrested in Fulton County, Georgia, for election fraud.’

what’s election fraud, mommy?

MAGA, I beg of you — please don’t do this to your children. they’re young and innocent. don’t fill their heads with your psychotic hero worship. give them the space to grow up and make their own mistakes. they don’t need to repeat yours. trust me, it will be fewer hours spent in therapy when they’re adults.

hey, you know who else headed up a cult that encouraged its children to worship in front of loyalty shrines of their supreme leader? of course you do.

tuesday: don we now our what kind of apparel

perhaps MAGA’s spiritual leaders have a better handle on the true holiday spirit. let’s check in with Pastor Hank Kunneman and see how he’s been ’tis-the-seasoning.

“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”

oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’

now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.

“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”

oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’

now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.

wednesday: deck the halls with boughs of wait a minute

fuck these young upstarts like Pastor Hank. they’re too steeped in MAGA to be of any use to anyone. let’s go old-school, and see what Franklin Graham’s been up to.

here’s the Frankster, giving a pep talk at the Department of War (his words, not mine).

“but did you know that God also hates? do you know that God also is a God of war? many people don’t want to think about that.”

oh for fuck’s sake, it’s Christmas time. what kind of ’tis-the-seasonmessaging is that?

come on bro, that’s the old testament god, the one who hates. yeah, he’s a bit of a dick, always raining down plagues and smiting the shit out of his enemies and whatnot.

why is Franklin Graham harshing our mellow with that shit? that’s not what Christmas is all about. bro, we’re doing Jesus this month. you know, the new testament guy. the ‘prince of peace’ who threw all that hate stuff out the window. the feed-the-poor-and-help-the-needy homey. the love-thy-neighbordude. get with the program already, Frank.

I’m a Jew, dammit. how did it become my job to explain to these shitkazoos how Christianity works? this is way beyond my pay-grade.

oh, and I’ve got a news flash for Reverend Graham — it’s not the Department of War. it’s the Department of Flipping a Skateboard Into Your Own Nuts.

thursday: troll the ancient yule-tide excuse me now?

this is getting frustrating. doesn’t anyone in the MAGAverse understand the true meaning of Christmas?

oh wait — here’s the Department of Homeland security with a surprisingly appropriate and heartfelt message: ‘go home for the holidays.’

awwww, isn’t that sweet? how nice that— [taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that if you click the link in that tweet, it takes you to a page for ‘self-deporting.’

fuck me, are you serious with this shit?

can’t you racists give your hateful bullshit a rest for one week? is that really too much to ask?

come on, it’s Christmas. the holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, the immigrant with the Spanish name who, if he left the door open and you said to him, ‘hey Jesus, were you born in a barn?’ he would literally answer yes.

no one encouraged Joseph and Mary to click the link to self-deport. if they did, we wouldn’t even have a fucking holiday.

look at me. once again, it’s the Jew who has to explain Christmas. is the whole world on crazy pills?

but they pinky-swore that they would make some Pedo Files available by the end of the day.

the fucking idiot then went ahead and had his accursed name added to the Kennedy Center building — despite being prohibited by law from doing so.

and because apparently no one in the White House understands how grammar works, the name of the building is now The Donald J. Trump And The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center For The Performing Arts.

my god, they’re all just as fucking idiotic as the fucking idiot.

you know who else appropriated a beloved cultural institution and made it a monument to his own vanity, don’t you? of course you do.

oh look! the DOJ actually released a handful of Dead Pedo Bestie files — which was awesome, except for the part where hundreds upon hundreds of pages were completely redacted.

seriously redacted.

thank you so much, DOJ!

by the way, while every other news outlet was poring over the Dead Pedo Bestie Files, here’s what Fox News was covering.

the fucking idiot then boarded Idiot Force One to spend Christmas Week at his vermin-infested Florida golf model.

on the way down to Motel-a-Lago, he stopped in off in North Carolina to give a very dignified and presidential speech, during which he waxed romantic about his Slovenian rent-a-wife’s panties.

and not one worthless scribbler of the corporate-controlled media stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

And Another Week Draws To A Close

“I mean, it’s one banana, Michael. what could it cost? ten dollars?”
— Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development

never underestimate the ability of Donny Convict’s toadies to be both evil and buffoonish at the same time.

yesterday, the crackpots in charge of healthcare — Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz — announced that they were banning gender-affirming care for minors. that’s the evil part.

now get ready for the clownfuckery. here’s Oz, uttering a sentence you probably never thought you’d hear during an official government press event.

“shockingly, a phalloplasty, the creation of a penis, costs on average in America, according to this data, high quality, $150,000 per child. these prices have continued to increase with increasing manufactured demand … you add testicles, that’s extra.”

apparently, the price of peeners is on the rise. who even knew penis inflationwas a thing? and not the fun kind of penis inflation. is this something we can blame on Sleepy Joe Biden?

a hundred and fifty grand for a weenus — a high-quality weenus, at that. because who wants a low-quality unit? spare no expense, I say! who wants people going ‘what the fuck is that’ every time you drop trou?

but come on — let’s get real. who’s paying retail for penises?

look, everyone knows someone. if you really need a trouser hog that bad, there’s always a guy who can hook you up.

even Marjorie Three Toes Greene knows where to find a dick.

and don’t get me started on Handy Oakley.

this pathological obsession Republicans have about what inside everyone’s underwear is downright creepy.

so now they’re meddling with gender-affirming care. why? because fuck you, that’s why. because they can. because they’re terrified of the very idea of anyone who isn’t straight, white and cis.

none of these hatemongers have the slightest idea what they’re talking about. listen to Whalehead McChainaw, droning on about shit that’s way beyond his ability to comprehend.

“So-called gender affirming care has inflicted lasting physical and psychological damage on vulnerable young people,” Kennedy said. “This is not medicine. It is malpractice.”

you’ll be shocked to learn that actual medical professionals were all ‘shut your ignorant mouth, Bobby.’

The American Academy of Pediatrics pushed back strongly against HHS’s actions.

“These policies and proposals misconstrue the current medical consensus and fail to reflect the realities of pediatric care and the needs of children and families,” said AAP President Dr. Susan J. Kressly.

over to you, Charlotte Clymer, to explain what’s really going on here.

“The science behind gender-affirming care has been endorsed by every major medical organization. This isn’t about science or medicine. It’s about the discomfort many non-trans people feel over the *existence* of trans people.”

exactly. I’m so tired of being ruled over by a fucktangle of bigoted know-nothings, inflicting their own childish insecurities on the rest of us.

why is anyone even listening to nut-jobs like Brainworms and Oz? why are they using the price of something as an excuse to set policy? they’re out of touch. they’re morbidly wealthy shitwits who have no idea what anythingshould cost.

gender-affirming care is not the healthcare issue our government needs to be focusing on right now. here’s a real problem that’s in dire need of solving:

there’s a measles epidemic in this country right now. measles, for fuck’s sake. an easily-preventable disease which we had already eradicated in America.

thanks in no small part to Bobby Brainworms’ own crackpot notions about vaccines, we now have almost 2,000 actives cases of the measles in the US right now. that’s up from nearly zero just a few years ago — and the number is increasing every day.

isn’t doing something about that more important than fixating over what’s going on inside some teenager’s underwear?

please leave these people alone. just let them be who they want to be.

let me highlight just how much we’re being governed by crackpots. here’s a fun fact about Dr. Oz. did you know that he considers himself a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to guzzling piss?

Dr. Mehmet Oz once claimed that medical schools force prospective doctors to drink human urine as part of their training. In an old interview with late-night host Jimmy Kimmel that resurfaced over the weekend, the GOP’s Senate nominee in Pennsylvania elaborated on a seemingly lifelong personal fascination with all things pee.

Oz elaborated in his interview with Kimmel, saying that urine can be helpful to diagnose various illnesses and conditions. “A diabetic’s [urine] tastes like wine, cherry wine,” Oz told a bewildered Kimmel.

fact check: what the fuck is Oz talking about?

yet Oz is out here tossing back tankards of fresh bladder juice like it’s going out of style, and acting as if it were perfectly normal.

speaking of dumbfucks who have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to healthcare policy, look at what our Crackpot-in-Chief is up to.

reporter: “more than 20 million Americans are now bracing for their premiums to skyrocket.”

Donny: “they will skyrocket because it was never any good.”

healthcare is a mess in this country because Donny doesn’t actually want to fix anything. he loves it when shit goes sideways. he’s a chaos-junkie who gets off on breaking everything, and then blaming it on someone else.

fixing shit is hard. bread-and-circuses dumbfuckery is easy — and Donny’s come up with a perfectly useless spectacle that he hopes will distact us all from how fucked up everything is.

“in the fall we will host the first ever Patriot Games, an unprecedented four-day athletic event featuring the greatest high school athletes — one young man and one young woman from each state and territory.”

now hold on there just one goddamned minute.

if the idea of ‘American teenagers from each state competing against each other for the amusement of a government of obscenely wealthy autocrats who rule over a nation of poverty-stricken peons’ sounds familiar to you, that’s because it’s the premise of the dystopian novel (and movie) The Hunger Games.

except in The Hunger Games, the teenagers battle each other to the death.

oh shit, I probably shouldn’t even say that out loud. let’s not give Dear Leader any ideas.

lastly, happy Dead Pedo Bestie Files Release Day to all who observe.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Profile In Courage

DAMN IT!

I knew this was too good to be true. If it had really happened it would’ve been all over the media.

From Snopes.com:

The rumor, however, was false. Cassella did not say what the posts claimed she did, and the interaction never took place. There was no watermark on the image most widely spread so it is not clear what social media account made the original claim, but the earliest post we could find appeared on Dec. 4.

We reached out to CNBC seeking comment on the alleged incident, and we will update this story if we receive a response.

Cassella, who was as of this writing a reporter for CNBC covering business and politics, posted on X in September 2025 (archived) that she was beginning her maternity leave, which would last through the end of the year. Her Sept. 19 post was the most recent post available on her X page, and her most recent publication on the CNBC website, as of this writing, was dated Sept. 11.

A Google search of the keywords “Sir, you are the president, not God,” revealed only posts or fact-checks related to the false rumor:

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

what. the fuck. was that?

here’s what we were promised: a prime-time address to the nation, in which the President of the United States would soberly tout his achievements of the past year, and lay out his agenda for the future.

here’s what we got: some high-as-fuck shitwit, gibbering a mile a minute, gripping the podium for dear life, and barking out a non-stop barrage of obvious lies and nonsensical numbers.

“I negotiated directly with the drug companies, foreign nations, which were taking advantage of our country for many decades, to slash prices on drugs and pharmaceuticals by as much as four hundred, five hundred, and even six hundred percent. in other words, your drug costs will be plummeting downward.”

math, how does it work?

clearly, Donny and his handlers are in full panic mode. his approval numbers are in the shitter — so much so that even his own party is beginning to openly defy him. even Fox News can’t hide how toxic Donny’s become.

the magic is gone. no one but the braindeadest of his cultists believe his fever-swamp lies any more. I’m sorry, but you just can’t convince anyone who actually has to shop for groceries that prices are going down.

so what does Preznit Fuckwit do? he decides to go on TV and lie harder, and louder.

everything — and I mean everything — that came out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth last night was a lie. he once again claimed to have ended eight wars. he hasn’t. he claimed tariffs have already brought eighteen trillion dollars into the US. they haven’t. he claimed things are already more affordable. ha fucking ha. he claimed everyone’s getting a tax cut. has he even read his own Big Stupid Bill?

the NY Times’ White House reporter pretty much threw in the towel

investigative journalist Adam Cochran actually did a fact-check, on not-twitter. look at this encyclopedia-length screed.

the big question of the night, though, was ‘what the fuck was Donny on?’ — because he was obviously hopped up on something. he seemed ready to jump out of his skin.

clearly, Donny’s handlers didn’t want him up there looking haggard and worn out, as he pretty much always does these days — but they over-corrected.

who knows what they pumped Dear Leader full of, but it was as if the squirrels that live inside Donny’s head were having a cocaine-fueled orgy.

so there was Little Donny Motormouth, yammering away at top speed — so much so that what should have been a half-hour speech was over in just about under eighteen minutes.

when all was said and done, experts agreed: what the fuck was that?

isn’t it heartening when Republicans and Democrats can reach across the aisle to shake hands and agree that Dear Leader is crazier than a shithouse rat?

tell me, is it bad when your own party knows you’ve shit the bed?

“Why is he yelling at us?” conservative talk radio host Erick Erickson said on X.

Said right-wing blogger Matt Walsh on X: “That was perhaps the most pointless prime time presidential address ever delivered in American history.”

is it worse when your cultists think you’re stark barking bonkers?

“Trump is speaking so fast he seems panicked,” supporter Trisha Hope posted online. “I’ve never seen him like this, and I have attended 42 of his rallies.”

what can one even say? the kompromat the have on Old Linz must really be something.

who even knew that Newt Gingrich was still alive? this ancient nitwit is so far past his sell-by date that I don’t think he even knows what planet he’s on.

“I believe President Trump showed tonight that he’s prepared to focus, to be disciplined to communicate — and if I were a Democrat, tonight would leave me very unnerved.”

it’s always fun watch Newt run away from reality as if it were a sick wife in a hospital bed, isn’t it? Democrats aren’t unnerved after watching Donny blither. Democrats are laughing their asses off.

Donny’s in desperate need of a course-correction right now, but going on TV to repeat a bunch of drug-fueled lies isn’t going to do it. everyone who isn’t being paid to pretend otherwise knows he’s full of shit, and is doing nothing to make life easier for We the People.

and things are about to get so much worse.

it was a wild fucking ride in the Holy Mike’s House of Reps yesterday.

The House on Wednesday cleared a Republican health care package, 216-211, that does not extend the expiring Affordable Care Act (ACA) subsidies.

Four moderate Republicans who had earlier Wednesday bucked GOP leaders and signed a Democratic-backed discharge petition voted in favor of the health care package. Rep. Thomas Massie was the only Republican no vote.

the healthcare bill the House passed now goes to the Senate, where it’s expected to die.

as for the discharge petition that now forces a vote on restoring the ACA subsidies, House rules allow Holy Mike to delay the actual voting until after the new year.

Johnson’s assertion came after the four Republicans broke ranks and signed onto House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries’ discharge petition, giving it the 218 signatures needed to force a vote, though that is not likely to occur until January 2026 at the earliest.

which means that for millions of Americans, healthcare is going to become unaffordable after January 1st, when the ACA subsidies expire.

I can’t wait for Donny to go on TV and try to lie his way out of that.

mind you, Holy Mike could hold a vote on restoring the ACA credits right now, if he wanted to — but here’s what he’s doing instead: adjourning the House for the rest of the year, after today’s session.

what’s that thing P.J. O’Rourke used to say? oh right:

“Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.”

here’s the other thing that happened yesterday: FBI Deputy Director Danny Bingobongo quit. officially, he’s leaving after the start of the new year — but apparently, he’s already cleaned out his desk.

Bongino had quietly told confidants he planned to formally leave his job early in the new year and would not be returning to headquarters to work this month, according to eight people briefed on his account. He later confirmed the report on X.

it seems that Danny misses his old life as a grifter and podcast bro.

“Dan did a great job,” Trump told reporters earlier, when asked about reports that Bongino, a former Secret Service agent turned podcaster, planned to resign.

“I think he wants to go back to his show,” the president said.

so, Dan’s desk at FBI headquarters is already gathering dust.

that’s certainly interesting timing, isn’t it? because the Dead Pedo Bestie Files are being released tomorrow — and I don’t know about you, but I’m as giddy with anticipation as a SecDef with a new skateboard.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

oh look, White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles is a bit of a blabbermouth. who knew?

it seems that over the last eleven months, Overly Talkative Suze has sat for eleven interviews with Vanity Fair’s Chris Whipple, which VF just published in a two-parter here and here.

here’s the beauty part: this Vanity Fair two-parter ain’t some rote, by-the-numbers snoozefest about how honored Susie Wiles is to be working with some of the finest minds yadda yadda yadda zzzzzzzzzzzz.

she actually takes a big stinky shit all over her co-workers.

the Dem Party’s social media team has put together a lovely highlight reel.

so, Donny Convict ‘has an alcoholic’s personality.’ Couchfuck McGee is ‘a conspiracy theorist.’ Pamnesia Pam Bondi has ‘completely whiffed.’ and the Space Nazi is an ‘avowed ketamine user.’

to which I say: tell us something we don’t already know, Suze.

all this is old-hat to anyone who’s been paying attention from the get-go.

Donny assembled his cabinet from a putrid grab-bag of fuckwads and found objects. you’ve got the piss-drunk Fox News dunk-tank clown. the crackpot who keeps a chainsaw in the trunk of his car on the off chance he happens upon into a dead whale. the lady who perforates puppies for fun. and let’s not forget the vice president who molests furniture.

as I wrote last February,

basically, America’s getting a clown show — and not a funny ha ha! clown show. nope, we’re getting sewer clowns.

Donny put zero effort into finding out if any of these shitwits could actually do the jobs he assigned to them — so it is any wonder that the past eleven months have been a master class in incompetence and disaster?

but still — for someone actually inside the White House to shit-talk the people she works with, that’s quite a thing. especially since Dear Leader expects infinite loyalty and obsequious flattery from every single one of his minions.

so, you’d figure the reaction from the White House would be thermonuclear, and that Susie Wiles would already be the former Chief of Staff — but you’d figure wrong. because what happened next is that every sewer clown simultaneously tweeted statements of undying support for Wiles.

it’s almost as if they had been ordered to do it.

I swear, these nitwits can’t even pull off a decent scandal without fucking that shit up. come on, you bozos, you just got insulted to your faces. what about you, Donny? Wiles said you had an ‘alcoholic’s personality.’ she even said you were all over the Epstein files! how did you not throw a shit-fit over that?

look at this. not only did Donny laugh off Wiles’ remarks, he said he agreed with them.

Trump even admitted to having an “alcoholic personality,” which some around the president considered among Wiles’ most incendiary remarks because of the president’s long and well-known aversion to alcohol and his brother’s struggle with alcoholism.

“I’m fortunate I’m not a drinker,” Trump told the New York Post.

what the fuck is going on? did Putin give Susie Wiles a copy of the pee-tape to use as job insurance?

it’s not a silly question — because it seems that Chatty Suzie has been working with Russian oligarchs for since like forever. look at this, from the Byline Times, published a year ago.

Trump’s newly appointed Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, brings a complex political profile, with ties to Russian oligarchs and Chinese surveillance firms.

Before joining Trump’s 2024 campaign, Wiles was a co-chair at a firm that lobbied for sanctioned individuals and companies. A lobbyist who recommended Wiles to lead US President-Elect Donald Trump’s campaign represented a Russian-born oligarch connected to the Russian President Vladimir Putin and a state-owned oil corporation Rosneft.

Wiles’ ex-husband has ties to a Kremlin-linked lobbyist known for attending the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, where “dirt” on Clinton was offered on the Russian Government’s behalf. Wiles’ daughter failed the White House background check.

that’s all pretty convenient. what does Susie know, and why is her job being protected? and who is she really working for? as always with All Things Donny, there are a thousand questions, and zero satisfying answers.

Wiles, for her part, says that all her shit-talking has been taken out of context. so unfair! so unfair!

“Significant context was disregarded and much of what I, and others, said about the team and the President was left out of the story.”

Chris Whipple, by the way, says all of his interviews with Wiles are on tape.

so tell us, Suze — what is the ‘significant context’ missing from your statement that the Space Nazi is an ‘avowed ketamine user’? was it part of a larger narrative talking about how much fun it was to watch him get higher than two kites and pilot Forkship One all over the patio at Motel-a-Lago?

inquiring minds want to know.

Kaitlin Collins: “on affordability, the president is going to address the nation tomorrow night. he says he’s going to talk about basically what a great year we’ve had since he returned to office. do you want to hear him say there’s no inflation, like he did last week, which is not true.”

Greene: “it’s not true … inflation has steadied around 2.5 percent, so he can’t say there’s no inflation. however, what I would like to see from the president is empathy for Americans. Donald Trump is a billionaire, and he’s the president of the United States. when he looks into a camera and says ‘affordability is a hoax,’ and totally tries to make nothing out of inflation, he’s talking to Americans that are suffering and have been suffering for many years now, and are having a hard time making ends meet. so that’s not the right message to tell Americans.”

look at Sporky. all of a sudden she’s articulate. what happened to the buffoon who used to prattle about ‘peach tree dishes’ and ‘gazpacho police’?

almost three years ago, I wrote a post in which I speculated that Three Toes might actually be only pretending to be a moron.

holy shit, what if I was right? after all, there’s a long tradition of Republicans who act dumb as mud, in order to pander to their dumb-as-mud constituents. look no further than Louisiana Senator John “Not The Good John” Kennedy, who is an actual Rhodes Scholar, yet talks in an exaggerated mush-mouth drawl, as if he were a toothless turnip farmer. I guess now that Sporky is leaving office, she no longer feels the need to play-act.

but you know what? fuck Madge Three Toes and fuck her so-called rehabilitation tour. she’s still garbage.

look at how she’s spending her final two weeks in Congress.

The Protect Children’s Innocence Act, introduced by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., would make it a federal felony for doctors to provide certain forms of medical care related to gender transition for minors, including puberty blockers and hormone therapy. The bill could also expose parents and guardians to potential criminal liability for facilitating that care.

fuck off, Madge. stop pretending you’ve changed.

now we need to talk about Preznit Fuckwit — because he’s not faking being an imbecile. he’s the real deal — as fucking dumb as they come.

Donny gave another rambling mess of a speech yesterday, and — well, you have to hear it to believe it.

“they can fly those things. the way they can aim it at a— target. in the dark of night, the darkest you’ve ever seen. they want it to be as dark as possible. they didn’t want anything— and the only time anybody could see those planes was when those bomb chutes open up. because it becomes totally un-stealth when it goes— I explained that to Mark Levin once. you’re going in, you go like this, and as soon as it goes likes this, for some reason the plane is totally visible, not good. and I watched it happening. just— it’s like I’m sitting home watching, you know, it’s amazing, the Situation Room is an amazing place. but I watched them go BING-BING. it went BING-BING. and two massive hundred-thousand-pound bombs come pouring out. and the job they did was incredible.”

he’s so childishly stupid — and this wasn’t a one-off. Donny’s been insisting for years that stealth bombers are actually invisible.

Donny can’t get it through his thick skull that that stealth bombers are called stealth bombers because they can fly without being detected by radar. he honestly thinks you can’t see them. and not only does this gibbering lunatic believe this fever-swamp nonsense — he claims to have witnessed it first hand.

where did Donny see these big strong stealth bombers with tears in their eyes, that go ‘BING-BING’ in the dark of night, the darkest you’ve ever seen, dark like no one thought possible?

do you think maybe one reporter could ask about that? here’s another good question the press might want to ask: what the fuck is wrong with you?

and, lastly it looks like we’re going to war with Venezuela.

we know the Mad King is serious, because he THANKS Venezuela FOR THEIR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

what ‘land’ is this gibbering lunatic talking about, that he demands Venezuela return to America? the United States has never ‘owned’ land in Venezuela. where is this nonsense coming from? he’s fucking insane.

all this, two days before the Dead Pedo Bestie Files are due to be released. how convenient is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Let’s Face It—He’s A Sociopath, Devoid Of All Human Emotion

here’s what we know so far:

on Saturday afternoon, some fuckface obtained a weapon of mass death, just as our founders intended. he took that weapon into Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island, and opened fire, just as our founders intended, indiscriminately spraying bullets, just as our founders intended, and sending nine people to the hospital and two to the morgue, just as our founders intended.

the unknown shooter then ran off and, as of this writing, is still at large, just as our founders intended.

terrified students spent the entire night barricaded in their classrooms, just as our founders intended.

it was the 465th mass shooting in America this year, just as our founders intended.

just another fucked-up day in the United States of Guntopia.

before we get to Donny Convict’s disgracefully callous response to this tragedy, here’s how a real president mourns.

Joe Biden: “Students should have the freedom to learn in school without having to fear for their lives. Period. We must never accept senseless violence that leaves families and communities shattered. It pierces the very soul of our nation. We can and must do more to prevent gun violence and save lives. Jill and I are grieving the lives lost and those wounded at Brown University, and we are keeping the victims, their loved ones, and all of Providence in our prayers.”

thank you. I miss this guy every day.

now let’s compare that with the reaction of the diaper-shittingest sociopath ever to befoul the Oval Bordello.

“and, uh. Brown University. great school. great— great, really one of the greatest schools anywhere in the world. things can happen.”

first of all, excellent job on the makeup, Mister President. my compliments to your embalmer.

uh, this fucking guy. not one single shred of humanity. just a dispassionate, monotone ‘things can happen.’ Donny puts more emotion into talking about Arnold Palmer’s dick.

we got the same fucked-up response last month, as Donny sat next to the Crown Prince of Bone Saw Arabia and rationalized away the murder of Jamal Khashoggi: ‘things happen.’

this isn’t how a president talks. this is how a mob boss talks.

the shit Donny says makes so much more sense if you imagine it coming out of the mouth of Tony Soprano. ‘so, some kids got shot up? some journalist got bone-sawed? hey, things happen. now leave me alone, can’t you see I’m busy?’

but at least Donny switches it up every now and then. when schoolchildren were gunned down in their classrooms in Perry, Iowa, he didn’t tell us that ‘things happen.’ instead it was ‘we have to get over it.’

thank you for your wise counsel, Preznit Fuckwit.

Donny could give a shit about what happens to other people. he’s too broken-inside to even fake a proper reaction. grief? empathy? what the fuck are those things? he is incapable of a human response to tragedy.

Donny’s handlers have completely given up trying to house-train him.

back in 2018, when Donny met with survivors of the Parkland school shooting, they handed him a cheat-sheet of things to say, so he could at least pretend to give a shit.

they don’t even bother trying to civilize Donny any more. they just shove him in front of the camera and let the chips fall where they may.

so now, all we get is ‘shit happens’ — and then it’s onto the topic on Donny’s list.

unless it’s misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. then we get flags at half staff and an Oval Bordello address.

fuck this fucking fuck.

let’s do a palate cleanse — because this is the perfect moment to watch Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts do to his thing.

now let’s mock the shit out the rest of yesterday’s press event. here’s a super-fun thing that happened. President No Filters got distracted by a blonde woman standing among the assembled reporters.

“this is the most interesting story. [pointing] boy, do you look like Ivanka. has anyone ever told you that? look at— I’m saying ‘is that Iva—.’ could you just turn around for the camera? does she look— does she look like Ivanka? it’s the most unbelievable thing. I— it’s— I wouldn’t— I didn’t wanna take a chance. I say, ‘is that Ivanka?’ you look just like Ivanka, which is a great compliment.”

ugh. fuck off, you creep.

I’m pretty sure if I were a woman, the last thing I’d want to hear seeping out of Donny’s geriatric anus-mouth would be ‘you remind me of the daughter I want to quote-unquote ‘date.’’

for those of you keeping score at home: if you’re a black woman, it’s ‘shut up, piggy’ — but if you’re a white woman with long blonde hair, it’s ‘come here and let me grope you.’

ugh.

oh, and in case you’re wondering, a loss of sexual inhibition is absolutely one sign of dementia.

oh look, Donny’s Slovenian rent-a-wife was standing next to him the whole time — and boy, does she ever look happy to be there. I’ll bet she’s thrilled whenever her husband starts drooling uncontrollably over every woman who looks like his daughter.

anyway, Donny’s very proud of his plans to shit out an endless series of vulgar monuments, all over Washington DC.

“we have a policy thing that’s gonna— be unbelievable, happening. should I announce it, or should I keep quiet? I put Vince in charge of the Triumphal Arc. we’re building an arc like the Arc de Triomphe… it is something that is so special. it will be like the one in— in Paris but it to be honest with you, it blows it away.”

oh, lovely. Donny’s building an endless series of gaudy totems to himself while We the People struggle to feed our families.

you get two government-approved dolls and five pencils, while Donny gets a fugly arch, a tacky dance hall where the East Wing used to be, three more golf courses, and god knows what else he’s got up his sleeve.

you know who else wanted a ginormous fucking arch to commemorate his glorious Thousand-Year Reich, don’t you? of course you do.

and, finally, what. the. fuck. is. this.

“you heard— did you hear this story? and so, he’s, uh, he’s being read his rites and his— this is— they thought he was dead three times. three different times. they carried him out, feeding him the anti-venom, and over a period of months he was unconscious for a long time, many— weeks. and— he made it. I asked him, ‘how ya doin’ today?’ he said, ‘is it perfect?’ look how quiet everybody is. you know— you know, it’s funny. when you talk about snakes and— things like that. that uhhhhh, people find it interesting. would anybody like to go and— go to Peru and walk around the forest with the— he says ‘no thank you, I’ll say no thank you’— but uh, this was a real— did they ever find the snake, by the way?”

what a charming tale to tell at a White House Christmas reception.

this whole rambling anecdote about snakes is one more five-alarm reminder that President Pudding Cup’s brain has gone fuckity-bye. he can no longer fart out a coherent sentence. and the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — the very same reporters who turned every one of Joe Biden’s verbal slips into a weeks-long scandal — just stand there like useless lumps.

hey, Jake Tapper — you could probably get three books’ worth of material just from this minute-long clip alone. any interest in following up?

I thought so.

before I let you go, I want to ask: what the fuck is wrong with Greg Bovino?

Obergruppenführer Bovino, you’ll recall, is the psychopath who’s currently ‘commander at large’ for the Border Patrol. I think his official title is Fuckface Who Hurls Tear Gas Canisters At Children And Lies About It To A Judge.

Greggers sure loves him some Nazi cosplay. dude has an entire Third Reich living in his head. I shit you not.

look at how Greg tarted himself up when he showed up on Newsmax yesterday.

so, my question to you is: who wore it better?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Tiedrich

oh dear, look what Preznit Fuckwit has done now. not satisfied with tarting up the Oval Bordello and the Cabinet Room with vulgar dime-store fake-gold tat, he’s now gluing that shit to the exterior walls of the White House — most recently, above each portrait on his infantile ‘presidential walk of fame.’ you know, the one where Joe Biden is represented by a photo of an autopen.

stay classy, Donny.

and oh look — the entryway to the West Wing now bears signage in the same tasteless golden script that’s outside the Oval Office. does Donny not realize how rinky-dink all this crap makes the White House look? of course he doesn’t. this is what passes for ‘sophisticated’ inside his worm-chewed brain.

hey, do you know who needs to have once-familiar objects labeled for them? dementia patients, that’s who. is that what all this dumbfuckery is about, so Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants doesn’t get confused and wander into traffic while trying to make his way from the Oval Office to the West Wing?

when Donny oozed his way back into power last January, we knew it was going to be a five-alarm shit-show. ‘fucking everything all to hell’ was a low bar, but somehow Dear Leader has managed to slither under it.

in less than a year, Donny has clownfucked the White House — and much of America — into something unrecognizable. and he’s not done — he remains obsessed with taking a massive shit all over literally everything.

The Trump administration issued a notice of default to the group that manages Washington’s three municipal golf courses, escalating a behind-the-scenes struggle over who will control some of the District’s most visible public land and effectively positioning the president to operate its public golf properties.

why? what possible reason could Agolf Shitler have for taking control of Washington’s three public golf courses, other than malignant megalomania?

doesn’t Donny already have enough golf motels? doesn’t he have, you know, a day job that should keep him too busy to have time for this meddlesome shit?

that’s what this micromanaging dipshit is focused on: golf courses, not affordability, not healthcare. not anything that would benefit We the People. because Donny lives inside a fact-free fantasy-bubble where he’s already made everything amazing — and now he’s taken to yelling at MAGA for not understanding how awesome their lives are now.

“When will I get credit for having created, with No Inflation, perhaps the Greatest Economy in the History of our Country? When will people understand what is happening? When will Polls reflect the Greatness of America at this point in time, and how bad it was just one year ago?”

let us know how browbeating your own cultists works out for you, bro. because here’s a free clue: people do ‘understand what is happening.’ every time someone walks into a grocery store and tries to figure out how they’re going to pay for basic necessities, they understand exactly what is happening — and who to blame.

meanwhile, while Donny’s off in cloud-cuckoo land, fiddling with golf courses, his sewer clowns are batshitting at the speed of light.

get ready to pick your jaw up off the floor — because apparently, FBI Director Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel and his flunky, Dan Bingo Bongo Bongino, have been holding secret meetings with Ukraine’s top peace negotiator.

“spark concern” is doing a metric fuckload of heavy lifting in that headline — because think about it: since when does US law enforcement get involved with peace talks, secret or otherwise?

on what planet does this make any sense?

Secret meetings between Ukraine’s top peace negotiator and FBI leaders have injected new uncertainty into the high-stakes talks to end the war there, according to diplomats and officials familiar with the matter.

* * *

The meetings have caused alarm among Western officials who remain in the dark about their intent and purpose.

gee, d’ya think?

who approved this? who thought it was a good idea who take two nitwits with no negotiating skills — or experience — and insert them into the peace process?

Kash and Bongino aren’t even law enforcement experts, much less diplomats they’re grifters and conspiracy-theory podcasters who are in way over their heads.

Krazee-Eyes Kash and Bingo Bongo are running the FBI for the same reason a piss-drunk Fox News dunk tank clown is in charge our nation’s armed forces: because Dear Leader values loyalty over competence.

it’s been that way his entire life. it’s how he ran the Trump Organization — which is why every single one of his business ventures has crashed and burned. Donny doesn’t want experts who might disagree with him, and tell him no. he wants compliant yes-men who will happily rubberstamp whatever fuckbrained scheme he concocts.

and now these two shitwits have inserted themselves into the Ukraine peace process. is the idea to sabotage the whole thing? who even knows?

here’s another bit of fuckwafflery that Donny’s brainiacs have come up with.

that’s right, pal. you want entry into the United States? well then hand over your phone, so Donny’s minions can paw through it and see what you’ve been up to.

It is especially notable that this rule will apply to foreign tourists and visitors from every country, including those where visas are waived. Currently, a British tourist is required to complete the U.S. Electronic System for Travel Authorizations to visit the country, and the social media disclosure would presumably be added directly to this process. However, according to the same notice, foreign travelers will also be expected to surrender other information as well, including all email addresses and phone numbers used in the last five years, as well as the physical addresses, names and contact information of family members.

excuse me?

I don’t know about you, but if I wanted to travel to some country, and was told that first I had to fork over five years of personal data, I’d cordially invite them to eat my entire ass — and then I’d cancel my plans.

no fucking way.

what’s the goal here? to deny entry to anyone who four years ago tweeted ‘Donny is a poopyhead’? or is it to compile a privacy-destroying database of everyone’s personal information?

it’s probably both.

did anyone think this through? implementing this cockamamie idea is going to be a nightmare. the federal government will either need to create a massive new bureaucracy with thousands of civil servants spending hours a day scrolling through millions of social media posts — or, more likely, some fucked-up AI going is going to be turned loose on everyone’s personal data. oh, great. that’s going to be a clusterfuck.

hey, maybe Glenn Beck’s AI George Washington will be pressed into service to keep tabs on all our tik-tok and instagram posts.

is the idea to completely collapse the US tourism industry? spoiler alert: it’s already working.

can anyone explain to me how destroying tourism Makes America Great Again? that shit brings billions of dollars into the United States every year.

EDITORIAL COMMENT FROM YOUR HOST:

END EDITORIAL COMMENT FROM YOUR HOST.

it’s important for us to never forget that none of it is normal.

wearing us down is how fascism wins. we have to keep on top of all of this shit, and ensure none of it gets normalized. it’s fucking exhausting — but necessary.

here’s the good news: Donny is as shit at fascism as he is at running casinos. we’re seeing the wheels coming off Dear Leader’s clown car. the GOP is backing away from his toxic policies, as they lose election after election.

steady on, folks. we’re going to get through this. I promise.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.