This is what’s causing Magat heads to explode.
Good.
Sunday Tiedrich
everything fucking sucks right now, so let’s just take a moment to savor JD Vance getting the shit booed out of him at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Italy.
announcer: “there’s the vice president, JD Vance and his wife Usha— oops, those are not— uh, those are a lot of boos for him.”
we all saw this coming. imagine being so universally loathed that the International Olympic Committee has to beg everyone not to heckle you.
The International Olympic Committee was forced to ask fans not to boo the U.S. delegation led by Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio during Friday’s opening ceremony for the Milano Cortina Winter Games.
is it any wonder that Mr. Heartbeat Away gets booed everywhere he goes? he pretty much goes out of his way to be as unpleasant as possible. look at the embarrassing spectacle Couchfuck creates as he leaves the Milan Prefecture after meeting with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni.
forty — forty! — armored vehicles completely clog the narrow streets of Milan, bringing everyday life to a standstill.
it takes an entire four and a half minutes for every one of JD’s vehicles to clear the building and clownfuck their way into local traffic.
Vance treats the streets of Milan the same way he treats a couch. he’s just going to ram it in there — and if anyone doesn’t like it, that’s just too damned bad.
it’s all so unnecessary — because watch what happens once all that bullshit runs its course: out comes Lauren Ware, the wife of US Ambassador Tillman Fertitta — on foot. no pomp, no circumstance, and no dumbfuck motorcade.
one person with a small security team — as happens when you’re not such a ginormous piece of shit that everyone can’t wait to heckle you.
because Lauren Ware doesn’t make a point of being an asshole, she can wander wherever she wants — while JD Vance can’t even walk through Union Station in Washington DC without people screaming ‘GO FUCK A COUCH’ at him. remember this, from last August?
“oh look, it’s Couchfucker. you gonna fuck a couch, buddy? GO FUCK A COUCH, JD VANCE, GO FUCK A COUCH!”
JD’s motorcade was so disruptive that he almost fucked up the American figure skating team’s chances of competing.
MILAN — The start of the women’s short program at the Olympic figure skating team event was drawing close Friday afternoon, but American star Alysa Liu couldn’t get to the Milano Skating Arena. She and her coach and choreographer were stuck on an official Olympic bus, blocked from the arena parking lot by the motorcade of Vice President JD Vance, who attended the team event. “We almost didn’t make it,” Liu’s coach, Phillip DiGuglielmo, later said.
ace job, you dumb-ass.
imagine training for years to compete in the Olympics — and almost missing your one shot at glory because some furniture-fucking asshole is on an ego trip.
could someone please remind JD that his job is to stand over there and wave a flag and clap for our Olympians, and not be the constant chaotic center of attention?
for fuck’s sake, he even brought his own food with him. who does that?
A cargo plane transported food from the United States for the delegation, while two other planes brought armored vehicles to be used during official movements.
come on — Couchfuck is in Milan — one of Europe’s greatest cultural centers. shouldn’t he be taking advance of the experience? I sure as shit would. what’s the issue, JD — are there no doughnut shops in Milan?
let’s find out. because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘doughnut shops in Milan’ — and guess what:
so what was JD’s problem? how hard would it have been for him to learn enough of the native language to say ‘how long have you been selling doughnuts? HA HA! that’s great’?
look, JD — I’ve done all the hard work for you, via Google Translate.
‘da quanto tempo vendi ciambelle? AH AH, fantastico.’
you’re welcome, bro. it’s called being a responsible journalist.
thanks to Donny and his henchmen, the whole world hates us now. we’re the playground bullies of the planet, kidnapping a leader here, threatening to invade there, and just plain tariffing everywhere.
or, like Couchfuck McGee in Milan, we’re just creating ego-driven chaos for chaos’ sake — because fuck you, that’s why. none of these shitwits are big on consent.
it’s all so fucking embarrassing.
President Donald Trump’s team offered to unfreeze federal funding for the paused Gateway tunnel project if Democrats in Congress agree to rename Penn Station and Washington Dulles International Airport after him, according to someone with direct knowledge of the negotiations.
only weak and fragile fuckwits need this kind of constant affirmation.
if Donny is that horny to have his name on something, might I suggest the Donald J. Trump Federal Correctional Institution?
let’s guess who could be its very first inmate.
and now for your heroes of the day: the voters of Louisiana’s 60th district, where Democrats flipped a State House seat in a deeply red state.
Louisiana Democrat Chasity Verret Martinez defeated her Republican opponent by double digits in the special election Saturday night for a state House seat in a district President Trump won by 13 points in 2024.
Martinez won 62% of the vote compared to 38% for her Republican opponent, Brad Daigle, according to unofficial results from the Louisiana Secretary of State.
in 2024, Donny won this district by 13 points. just fifteen months later, Democrat Chasity Martinez’s crushed her Republican opponent by double digits — a 37-point swing from red to blue.
in special election after special election, Democrats keep prevailing by significant margins. that’s how fucking radioactive Donny and his fascist policies have become.
there’s a blue wave a-comin’.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
4 Dimensional Chess
Bill and Hillary Clinton just walked into the Epstein fight saying “put us on live TV” and James Comer’s first instinct was to kill the cameras. They are not asking for special treatment, they are using their very real political brilliance to demand transparency in a case where Congress passed the Epstein Files Transparency Act requiring full unredacted release while the trump administration still dragged its feet and slow walked compliance. By planting their flag on “public or nothing,” they flip the script and force Republicans to explain why secrecy suddenly matters more than sunlight.
That stance is not just moral high ground, it is a trap. The more the Clintons insist on testifying in public, the more obvious it becomes that the real panic is on the right, where trump’s orbit brushes up against names and records that have never fully seen daylight. By embracing an open hearing, they are effectively daring Comer and his allies to keep shielding a system that still has trump era fingerprints all over what remains hidden.
This is how you turn years of right wing Clinton obsession inside out. If Republicans refuse public testimony, they look like they are protecting trump and the remnants of his Justice Department rather than pursuing the truth. If they cave and allow it, they risk an on camera reckoning that ties the unreleased files, the stalled transparency law, and trump’s own connections into one long, unedited narrative that does not break their way.
[source]
Tiedrich Thursday
imagine you’re a war correspondent for a major American newspaper. you’ve been assigned to cover the war in Ukraine. conditions totally fucking suck. there’s no heat, electricity or running water.
but you’re not bothered by any of that shit. you love your job — because it’s enthralling. there’s nothing else like it in the world.
now imagine you’re in the middle of doing all that, when out of the clear blue, you get an email telling you that your job’s gone fuckity-bye.
if you’re Washington Post reporter Lizzie Johnson, you don’t have to imagine — because that’s exactly what just happened.
“I was just laid off by The Washington Post in the middle of a warzone. I have no words. I’m devastated.”
oh, lovely. how the fuck is Lizzie Johnson supposed to find her way home? what the hell?
and it wasn’t just Johnson who got told her job had been sent to a big farm upstate, where it will have lots of room to run around. over three hundred of her Post colleagues got shitcanned yesterday morning.
here’s just some of the carnage: metro DC news, cut way back. the sports section, gone. book and theater reviews, gone. podcasts, gone.
but perhaps most egregiously, they’re cutting their foreign bureaus. if you want to know what’s happening in places like Kyiv or the Middle East, don’t look at the Post. it’s no longer their responsibility.
how the fuck can you even call yourself a major newspaper if you’re not covering what’s going on in the world? this is the Washington Fucking Post we’re talking about, not the Podunk Pennysaver.
here’s how devastating the cuts were: Peter Finn, WaPo’s International Editor, demanded he be fired on the spot, rather than take any part in this fuckery.
Peter Finn, the section’s editor, requested that he be laid off rather than be involved in planning the cuts once he learned about their scope, according to two people with knowledge of his decision.
the Washington Post’s corporate overlords claim they had no choice but to make these cuts, because the paper lost over one hundred million dollars last year. but these same overlords want to make one thing perfectly clear: these mass firings are actually good news.
do you want to know the real reason the Post is doing this? it’s because they love you — the reader — so much!
I shit you not. check out this dollop of industrial-strength bullshit-speak.
“The Washington Post is taking a number of difficult but decisive actions today for our future, in what amounts to a significant restructuring across the company,” the Post said in a statement. “These steps are designed to strengthen our footing and sharpen our focus on delivering the distinctive journalism that sets The Post apart and, most importantly, engages our customers.”
oh, I see. the Post is gutting its staff and reducing its coverage in order to make it all better. sure, now that you’ve explained it, that makes perfect sense to me.
there are really only two words that come to mind when faced with this level of piss-on-your-head-and-tell-you-it’s-raining corporate-ese. the first one rhymes with fuck, and the second with you.
let’s lay the blame for this atrocity exactly where it belongs: at the feet of Jeff Bezos, the Donny-snuggling gazillionaire who laughs like some fucked-up cartoon villain.
it was Bezos’ own disastrous decisions that led to the Post bleeding money.
first, a week before the 2024 election, Bezos phoned up the editor of the Post and told him not to run their planned endorsement of Kamala Harris. Bezos didn’t want to make Donny mad, just in case he happened to win. hundreds of thousands of angry Post subscribers canceled their subscriptions in response.
then, in February 2025, Bezos announced the Post was no longer going to tolerate ‘left of center views’ on their editorial page. instead, they were going to focus on ‘personal liberties and free markets.’ once again, hundreds of thousands of subscribers canceled their subscriptions.
why would Bezos deliberately antagonize his readership? because doesn’t give a shit. he’d rather curry favor with his new despot snugglebunny, Donny Convict.
Jeffrey Beez is not a newspaper guy. he doesn’t bleed black ink, as the saying used to go. he’s a business honcho. the Post is a just line item on a spreadsheet.
listen to your Uncle Bernie Sanders.
“If Jeff Bezos could afford to spend $75 million on the Melania movie & $500 million for a yacht to sail off to his $55 million wedding to give his wife a $5 million ring, please don’t tell me he needed to fire one-third of the Washington Post staff. Democracy dies in oligarchy.”
democracy dies up Jeff Bezos’ ass.
let’s be clear here. Bezos spends his money like a drunken sailor. he flushed $75 million down the shitter on that bogus ‘documentary’ about Dear Leader’s Slovenian rent-a-wife — and didn’t think twice about how much it cost. sixty million got pissed away on a wedding for his personal flotation device.
Jeff Bezos’ current net worth is TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE BILLION DOLLARS. think about this: Bezos could give every person on the planet a billion dollars each, and have $253 billion left over. that’s still more money than he could possibly spend in his lifetime.
the hundred mil that the Post lost is a rounding error to someone with that much moolah.
if he wanted to, he could personally fund the Post and give it away for free — and not even notice the money missing from his bank account.
fuck it, Bezos could sell the Post to someone who would care about putting out a quality product — but he won’t. he’d rather destroy it. owning some hallowed institution and clownfucking into irrelevance is the hip new thing. all the cool oligarchs are doing it.
I swear, these morbidly wealthy shit-kazoos are so easy to hate. and they wonder why people walk around wearing Eat The Rich t-shirts.
heroes, that’s what we’re in desperate need of right now.
no one ever went to bed with fascism and came up smelling like roses. no one ever said ‘gee, I’m so glad the Washington Post partnered with Nazis.’
fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how Jeff Bezos slobbered all over Dear Leader’s ass?’
the people we’re going to look back on with admiration are the ones who stood up said ‘take your Nazi bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’
which bring us to today’s hero of the day: Jordan Perry, the manager of the Lake Theater & Cafe in Lake Oswego, Oregon.
Perry booked the Melania ‘documentary’ into his theater (as a bit of a joke, he explained in a blog post) — and he advertised it with a marquee that read ‘to defeat your enemy, you must know them. Melania starts Friday.’
apparently this caused heads to explode all over the Amazon corporate offices, and they angrily pulled the film from Perry’s theater.
undaunted, Perry changed his marquee to ‘Amazon called. our marquee made them mad. all Melania shows canceled. show your support at Whole Foods instead :(’
in a world of Jeff Bezoses, be someone who antagonizes the shit out of Jeff Bezos.
meanwhile, if any of you know of any war-correspondent jobs that are available right now, you’d really be doing Lizzie Johnson a solid.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vomiting It All Up
Sometimes you don’t have to work to figure out where the racists are. Sometimes they out themselves.
Back in the Fall, within nanoseconds of the NFL announcing that Latin rapper Bad Bunny would be performing the Super Bowl Halftime Show, the Trump cult tore itself away from Charlie Kirk martyrdom, MAGA church shooter retcons, restaurant logo crusades, and pro-ICE posturing to launch into a full-on frenzy of performative histrionics in protest.
Since then, they’ve continued their tortured pearl-clutching unabated, with the white supremacist stalwarts at Turning Point USA recently announcing an “alternative” halftime show (called, of course, The All-American Halftime Show), featuring Olympic-level cultural appropriator-turned MAGA bootlicker Kid Rock and an undercard of similarly pigmented, patriotism-peddling, Bible-brandishing, shameless deep South virtue signalers.
You see the “alternative” they’re offering here, right?
If you’re over 25 and, like many older white folks, have remained permanently trapped in the amber of Classic Rock radio, you may have never even heard of Bad Bunny, whose birth name is Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio. (I’d be willing to bet my house that 90 percent of the Conservatives who are currently rending their garments online hadn’t, either.)
Born and raised in Puerto Rico (which a terrifying number of MAGAs don’t seem to know is an American territory), his father was a truck driver and his mother a school teacher. He spent his formative years singing in the choir in a Roman Catholic Church his family attended, and began writing his own music at the age of 14. Bunny was signed to a record label at the age of 20 after being discovered online.
Today, Bad Bunny is an international superstar, the second most-streamed artist of all time, with 100 billion streamed songs. He is a multiple Grammy winner, has crossed over into professional wrestling and acting, is a coveted brand ambassador, and does millions of dollars in philanthropic work through his Good Bunny Foundation (Fundación el Buen Conejo), which he started in 2018.
Ocasio is the literal embodiment of the American Dream that the GOP has spent decades waving in our faces and flying up the flagpole.
So, what’s the problem?
Let’s just say it’s primarily a melanin issue, with a side order of MAGA cultism, a heaping portion of Christian nationalism, and a healthy dash of homophobia thrown in.
As a self-described gender-fluid Latin musician who sings predominantly in Spanish, has previously criticized Donald Trump, and repeatedly lamented the inhumanity of ICE as recently as during his Grammy acceptance speech last week, Ocasio must be condemned, vilified, and eradicated because membership in the mindless death cult of white American intolerance they now call home requires it. This asinine mob mentality vitriol is what Trump’s movement has fostered and fomented, and what it demands.
Ocasio opened his recent Grammy speech with these words:
“Before I say thanks to God, I’m going to say: ICE out,” he said. “We’re not savages. We’re not animals. We’re not aliens. We are humans, and we are Americans.”
This is supposed to be what America stands for: decency, diversity, humanity, and yet it is precisely the message MAGA is burdened to shout down and suffocate.
The fact that the Right feels compelled to create an “alternative” to Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl appearance speaks eloquently about their desire to secede from a culturally and racially diverse nation, how committed they are to perpetuating the myth of oppressed white Christians, and how determined they are to manipulate every event into a racist holy war in order to keep their rank-and-file foaming at the mouth.
Turning Point USA spokesman Andrew Kolvet said in a statement that the show “is an opportunity for all Americans to enjoy a halftime show with no agenda other than to celebrate faith, family, and freedom.”
But whose faith are they celebrating?
Not the spiritual beliefs of Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs, Unitarians, or non-MAGA Evangelical Christians.
Whose family are they talking about?
Not Latino families, or black families, or immigrant families, or LGBTQ families, that’s for damn sure.
And exactly whose freedom will take center stage on Sunday?
Not the people with brown skin being relentlessly terrorized by ICE, not the thousands of sexual assault survivors brutalized by Jeffrey Epstein and his collaborators, not the tens of millions of women who deserve autonomy over their own bodies, and not the migrants and refugees being persecuted by these cosplaying Christians.
The Turning Point halftime show, like every venture in the MAGA/Trump ecosystem, is a grim, sinister, mean-spirited fight against progress, evolution, and diversity disguised as sincere virtue.
This isn’t about Bad Bunny.
This isn’t about a halftime show.
It’s about who we collectively want to be, the kind of nation we dream of living in, and the future we want those who follow us to inherit.
It’s about the cost of standing up to the bullies, of rejecting racism, of being intolerant of intolerance.
This is about what we will demand and what we will not accept when it comes to the rights and voices of people of color.
Trump and his supporters don’t want an alternative halftime show; they want an alternative white, gated community nation where only they benefit.
In these days, we are in a brutal battle for an America where everyone will find opportunity, safety, and welcome.
It’s time we all got in the game.
Tuesday Tiedrich
You can read it here.
Vomiting It All Up
And So Begins Another Week…
OH MY GOD, YES! Go ahead and sue, you orange bag of shit. Discovery will force the release of all the Epstein documents!
it’s one o’clock in the morning. the world’s most-fragile diaperload is awake — and he’s melting all the way down on his shithole app.
oh dear, it seems that someone’s hurt the colicky rage-baby’s fragile fee-fees again.
The Grammy Awards are the WORST, virtually unwatchable!
and yet the stupid shit sat there and monitored the whole thing, so he could find out if anyone was talking about him. and, sure enough—
Noah said, INCORRECTLY about me, that Donald Trump and Bill Clinton spent time on Epstein Island. WRONG!!! I can’t speak for Bill, but I have never been to Epstein Island, nor anywhere close.
now, because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘where is Epstein Island,’ and I learned that it’s a tiny island within the Virgin Islands, and its actual name is Little Saint James Island.
according to Donny, he’s never been ‘anywhere close’ to Epstein Island. so he’s never been to Christmas Cove, and he’s never been to the St. Thomas Ritz-Carlton — and he’s never been to Chocolate Hole, which, I’m sorry, but that definitely sounds like a place Donny’s been.
Donny’s handlers should never let him watch awards shows. he always ends up cranky, because he absolutely cannot deal with seeing other people receive awards — awards which, in his impaired mind, should rightfully be going to him. never mind that the Grammy awards are for music, and Donny’s only contribution to that field is the pungent aroma of ass music he creates every time he falls asleep in public. where’s Donny’s Grammy, goddammit!
FIFA could actually be doing the world a huge solid right now, by announcing that Donny has won their FIFA Music Award for Most Melodious Farts, and then invite him on stage to hang another dumb-ass medal around his neckgina.
because that would shut him the fuck up for at least a day or so.
by the way, this is Trevor Noah’s joke that had Donny power-loading all the diapers.
“that is a Grammy that every artist wants… almost as much as Trump wants Greenland. which makes sense, I mean, because Epstein’s island is gone, he needs a new one to hang out with Bill Clinton, so…”
big fucking deal, am I right? it was one throwaway laugh-line in an hours-long broadcast full of throw-away laugh-lines. any normal person would have heard it and then gotten on with their lives — but we’re not talking about a normal person. we’re talking about the most broken-inside burst trash bag of personality defects ever. so, naturally —
Noah, a total loser, better get his facts straight, and get them straight fast. It looks like I’ll be sending my lawyers to sue this poor, pathetic, talentless, dope of an M.C., and suing him for plenty$.
Donny’s gonna sue the shit out of Trevor Noah, for ‘plenty$’ dollars — as one does, when one is the thinnest-skinned bastard ever to walk the face of the earth.
he’s such a fucking embarrassment, throwing childish tantrums in the middle of the night, and siccing his lawyers on a comedian, for telling jokes.
oh, and let me just put this here, for no particular reason.
“nobody gets angrier than a narcissist being accused of something they definitely did.”
now, because I’m still wearing my Responsible Journalist hat, I looked it up. the internet tell me that’s a quote from Omar Hussain’s ‘Thoughts and Feelings, Volume One’ — but the internet also tells me that such a book doesn’t exist.
what the fuck? can I borrow one of Donny’s ace team of parking garage lawyers and sue the shit out of the internet?
Omar Hussain is real. maybe I’ll sue him.
so, for those of you keeping score at home, Donny is suing Trevor Noah. at the same time, he’s suing The New York Times — also for hurting his feelings.
Donald Trump has said he is expanding his defamation suit against the New York Times after an unfavorable opinion poll.
He wrote: “The Times Siena Poll, which is always tremendously negative to me, especially just before the Election of 2024, where I won in a Landslide, will be added to my lawsuit against The Failing New York Times.”
fuck me, Donny’s not only a sore loser — he’s a sore winner. and if this ‘I’m suing you for bad polling’ business sounds familiar, that’s because he’s also suing the Des Moines Register for — you guessed it — hurting his feelings
A Polk County district court judge heard arguments Friday about whether President Donald Trump’s lawsuit against the Des Moines Register can move fo
rward.
Trump sued over a November 2024 poll that found likely voters preferred then-Vice President Kamala Harris over Trump days before he won the election and carried Iowa by 13 points.
His lawsuit says the poll is consumer fraud.
my god. could people please stop hurting Dear Leader’s precious fee-fees? we’re in grave danger of depleting our National Strategic Reserve of Lawyers.
and then there’s Donny’s lawsuit against the IRS. he’s demanding they pay him TEN BILLIONS OF PLENTY$ for that time a former IRS contractor leaked years of Donny’s tax returns to the media — hurting his feeling in the process by revealing that for years, the cheater got away with paying only $750 in taxes.
President Donald Trump is suing the IRS and the Treasury Department for $10 billion, alleging they failed to take necessary steps to prevent a former IRS employee from improperly disclosing his tax returns, and those of his sons and his company, to news outlets.
The Times published exclusive reporting in 2020 that showed Trump had paid only $750 in federal income taxes in 2016 and 2017.
of course, this lawsuit is pure corruption at its finest. Donny is basically suing his own administration. no way they’re going to fight this fucking lawsuit in court. the current head of the IRS is Frank J. Bisignano — one of Donny’s cronies. Soybean Scott Bessent is the Acting IRS commissioner. these loyal flunkies are going to roll over and hand Donny whatever he wants.
Donny’s come up with an all-new way of funneling money from the Treasury, straight into his greedy pockets — by suing the shit out of, basically, himself.
don’t you wish Dear Leader would work this hard to make life easier for average American? you get two dolls and five pencils, while Donny uses the US Government as his own personal ATM.
and don’t forget that Donny’s also suing his own Department of What Used To Be Justice, because that mean old poopy-head Jack Smith hurt his feelings by trying to convict Donny for the very real crimes of insurrecting and stealing state secrets.
I mean, what’s the point of even being president, if you can’t rob the country blind, and enrich yourself at the public’s expense?
isn’t it great how Dear Leader has combined two of his favorite activities — filing nuisance lawsuits, and forever grifting — into one neat and tidy profit center?
who says America isn’t the land of opportunity?
and now, it’s hero time.
yesterday, Texas Congressman Joaquin Castro traveled to the hellhole detention center where five-year-old Liam Ramos and his father Adrian were being confined, and personally escorted them back home to Minnesota.
thank you, Congressman.
in any sane country, it wouldn’t requite the concerted effort of a government official to spring a five-year-old from prison. but like the man says, shitty timelines gonna shitty timeline.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Friday Tiedrich
I leave it to you, my faithful readers. Because I can’t today…
Thursday Tiedrich
once again, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that I don’t even know where to start. so I’m just going to spin the Big Wheel of Moron™ and see where it lands. ready? here we go.
oh my god, could Preznit Fuckwit please shut his rancid anus-mouth?
Just spoke to Pres. Trump. I asked him if he had seen the video of Rep. Omar being attacked and sprayed by a substance.
“No. I don’t think about her. I think she’s a fraud. I really don’t think about that. She probably had herself sprayed, knowing her,” the president said.
I asked again if he had seen the video.
“I haven’t seen it. No, no. I hope I don’t have to bother.”
and just like that, Donny Convict continues his 79-year-long unbroken streak of being the worst fucking person on the planet.
can we get Wonkette’s Rebecca Schoenkopf in here for a minute? she’s so good at putting into words what we’re all feeling right now.
thanks, Rebecca.
this fucking guy. he admits he hasn’t seen — and doesn’t want to see — the video of the assault, but that doesn’t keep him from running his ignorant mouth about it.
he thinks the attack on Rep. Omar is a hoax, because of course he does. Donny hates Omar — because he’s a fucking racist — and, because he doesn’t have a single ounce of decency in his rotting body, he can’t even mumble some halfhearted third-grade-level statement about ‘bad. so bad. we’re all wishing her well.’
what kind festering cum-sock hears about a woman being sprayed with some noxious liquid and goes ‘oh yeah, I’ll bet she did it to herself.’ who the fuck even thinks like that?
you know what? I’ll bet by crying ‘hoax!’, Donny’s telling on himself again — because with as always with this shithead, every accusation is a confession.
look, I don’t want to be a conspiracy guy. it’s really not my thing. but for the life of me, I’m still trying to figure out how Donny’s blown-to-bits ear magically regenerated itself.
oh wait, we’re not done with Donny. Rachel Scott has another question for him.
More from my interview with President Trump last night: I asked the president about Sens. Tillis and Murkowski calling for Sec. Noem to step down.
“Well, they’re both losers. You know, what can I tell you? They’re terrible senators. One is gone and the other should be gone,” he said.
he’s such a charmer. once again, Donny can’t just brush it off and go, ‘yeah well, that’s just your opinion, man.’
he’s so spite-fueled and broken-inside that he has to go scorched earth.
you simply must check out Senator Tillis’ reaction to being called a loser.
CNN’s Manu Raju: “the president called you a loser.”
Tillis: “I am thrilled about that. that makes me qualified to be Homeland Security Secretary *and* senior adviser to the president.”
let’s be clear-eyed about this, Thom Tillis is not our friend. he’s as xenophobic as they come. he’s totally down with ICE rounding up immigrants and shipping them to who the fuck cares, and he thinks they should be doing more of that shit. he’s just mad at ICE Barbie and Nosferatu McGoebbels for fucking up.
still, his response to Donny is so perfect that it’s hard not to be heartbroken about it.
well, that was fun. let’s give another spin to the Big Wheel of Moron™.
after his humiliating shitcanning and banishment from Minneapolis, you might have hoped that Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino would have had the decency to scamper back into his cigar box, close the lid, and never be heard from again.
fat chance. the Itsy-Bitsy Nazi is so high on his own supply that he stopped off at Mount Rushmore and took a victory lap.
“team, behind me are a few individuals there. that’s the original ‘turn and burn,’ the folks that help make American. but you know what? I’m very proud of what you, the ‘mean green machine,’ are doing in Minneapolis right now, just like you’ve done it across the United States over these past tough nine months. and I want you to know, you’re the modern day equivalent of ‘turn and burn.’ it makes me very proud. I also want you to know that I’ve got your back now, and always. I love you. I support you, and I salute you.”
I’ll bet that speech is even more impressive in its original German.
‘turn and burn,’ by the way, is Gestapo Greg’s pet name for the fascist shit he’s pulled in Minneapolis, Los Angeles and elsewhere. and this racist little fireplug is so arrogant, he thinks the dudes carved into Rushmore — George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln — would be totally be high-fiving him for his lawless behavior.
how delusional is that?
free clue for the Fascist In A Teacup: no, no, no, no, and fuck no. none of those homeys would approve of your banty rooster antics. stop shitting all the over Constitution and pick up a fucking history book, Greg. you might learn something.
ok, let’s spin Big Wheel of Moron™ one last time.
tonight, Donny and his Slovenian rent-a-wife are attending a Kennedy Center screening of the Melania movie — the so-called ‘film’ that everyone knows is going to be a twenty-megaton box office disaster.
at its London premiere, it sold one ticket.
one ticket! now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter. ready?
and now comes the part where the worthless scribblers of The New York Times corruptionwash that shit.
come on, Grey Lady — stop pulling your punches. nobody is ‘questioning’Amazon’s motives. everyone knows exactly what this is all about: naked corruption. it’s Jeff Bezos burning through millions of dollars in order to curry favor with Dear Leader.
Melania Convict is the least-interesting person on the planet, and nobody — absolutely nobody — was clamoring for a documentary about her.
despite that, Bezos gave Melania FORTY MILLION DOLLARS for the rights to her ‘story.’ Amazon spent five million dollars on production, and another thirty-five million on promotion. that’s eighty fucking million dollars for a film which is predicted to take in about one million at the box office.
one hand washes the other, am I right? blatant corruption doesn’t get any more blatantly corrupt than that.
oh, and in England, where the premiere sold one ticket? rejoice, everyone — UK ticket sales have skyrocketed to six!
Vue, a major European cinema operator, is offering nine showings (451 seats in all) at its multiplex in York, England, from Friday through Sunday, one analyst noted. As of Wednesday, it had sold six seats.
now here’s a question for you all: do you think these two lovebirds will take separate cars to the screening?
and now for your hero of the day — some obscure songwriter who probably no one’s ever heard of, Bruce Springsteen.
I wrote this song on Saturday, recorded it yesterday and released it to you today in response to the state terror being visited on the city of Minneapolis. It’s dedicated to the people of Minneapolis, our innocent immigrant neighbors and in memory of Alex Pretti and Renee Good.
Stay free.
and just like that, Springsteen continues his seventy-six-year-long unbroken streak of being fucking awesome.
let’s give it a listen.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other
Wednesday Tiedrich
are you ready for some sweet, sweet MAGA-on-MAGA violence?
I sure hope so, because Donny Convict’s merry band of sewer clowns are running around in a panic right now. they screwed the pooch bigtime in Minneapolis, and they know full well that Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino’s isn’t the only head that’s going to roll — and so they’ve all locked themselves down into self-preservation mode. even better, the knives are out and they’re starting to turn on each other.
it’s a glorious fucking sight to behold.
Kristi Noem wants to make one thing perfectly clear: she was only following orders.
Noem has complained to others that she feels she’s being hung out to dry over the episode and has made sure to emphasize she took direction from Miller and the president, a source told Axios.
wait a minute — Nosferatu McGoebbels is telling ICE Barbie what do to? since when does the Secretary of Homeland Security take direction from White House Deputy Chief of Staff?
Miller’s power extends to de facto oversight of Noem, though she’s a Cabinet secretary who technically outranks him.
do you need any more proof that Dear Leader is just a demented figurehead who they drag out to make incoherent speeches and sign whatever papers they put in front of him, and that Nosferatu McGoebbels is really running the show?
this lame-ass excuse that Little Miss Hair Extensions was only following orders — where have we heard that before? oh yeah — at the Nuremberg trials.
now here’s a pro tip for Stephen Miller: if Kristi ever invites you out back to the gravel pit ‘because she has something she wants to show you,’ run as fast as you can in the other direction.
Cricket, am I right? Cricket? Cricket?
Noferatu, for his part, is covering his ass regarding the summary execution of Alex Pretti. he’s all ‘nuh-uh, it’s Homeland Security’s fault.’
Specifically, Miller said, Bovino’s crew was supposed to divide its force into two groups: One unit was supposed to handle the arrests of specifically targeted “criminal aliens” and the other squad was in charge of crowd control to keep “disruptors” from interfering.
oh, how convenient. after spending days screeching about how Pretti got what was coming to him, because — according to Miller — he was a ‘domestic terrorist,’ he’s changing his story. now it’s ‘Pretti got gunned down because ICE was doing it wrong.’
fuck off, Nosferatu.
meanwhile, Democrats — along with Republicans Thom Tillis and Lisa Murkowski — have a message for Preznit Fuckwit: fire the puppy perforator, pronto, or we’ll impeach her.
Top House Democrats on Tuesday told Donald Trump to fire Kristi Noem or they would launch impeachment proceedings against the homeland security secretary, in response to the weekend killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis, as two Republican senators join calls for her to resign.
here’s the beauty part: House Democrats threw Donny’s own mob-boss language back in his face, closing their statement with ‘we can do this the easy way or the hard way.’
I fucking love that.
more like this, please.
we should probably do a wellness check three-hundred-and-forty-seven-year-old human fossil Chuck Grassley.
“Tried asking Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, whether it’s appropriate for ICE to enter homes without a judicial warrant. ‘Ask a constitutional lawyer,” he said. ‘I’m a farmer.’”
oh, for fuck’s sake. Chuckers has been a member of the Senate — and chair of its Judiciary Committee — for nearly two hundred and forty-one years, and he’s claiming he has no idea how the Constitution works? he was in the room when the damned thing was being written.
hey, did anyone think ICE would actually restrain themselves in the wake of Obergruppenführer Greg’s shitcanning? me neither.
look at the fuckery they were up to yesterday.
“1/27/2026 – Minneapolis – ICE just attempted an illegal entry into the ECUADORIAN CONSULATE to abduct someone. They did not have a warrant.”
wait a minute. under whose authority are they pulling this shit? is this the work of Tommy ‘Bags-o-Cash’ Homan? fun fact: ICE has no jurisdiction whatsoever to enter a foreign consulate. they can’t just wander in there willy-nilly and do whatever the fuck they want.
Ecuador’s foreign ministry said it lodged a formal diplomatic protest with the United States after a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent attempted to enter the country’s consulate in Minneapolis without permission on Tuesday morning.
Employees of the consulate stopped the agent from entering, the Ecuadorean foreign ministry said in a statement Tuesday night. Under the Vienna Conventions, to which the United States is a party, foreign consular buildings are off-limits to law enforcement from the host country without authorization from consular officials.
so now ICE is going be starting international incidents, because they’re so horny to deport some hapless day laborer? take a cold fucking shower, you morons.
while we’re on the subject of ‘international incidents,’ can somebody please explain to me why we’re sending masked ICE thugs to Italy? explain it to me like I’m five years old — because this makes no goddamned sense.
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents will join a security team from the State Department at the Olympics “to vet and mitigate risks from transnational criminal organizations.”
excuse me? ‘risks from transnational criminal organizations’? at the fucking Olympics?
what kind of fever-swamp fairy-tale nonsense is this? I swear, the people running our government are high on their own supply, farting out the most nonsensical reasons for doing anything, and expecting us to buy it. go peddle that shit elsewhere, you dumbfucks, we’re all stocked up.
can you imagine masked, poorly-trained goons running wild in the streets of Milan? Italy can, and they want no part of this fuckery.
Antonio Tajani, Italy’s foreign minister, told reporters that ICE agents would not be allowed to deploy on Italian streets.
oh, and speaking of masked and armed ICE thugs, get ready for the saddest story you’ll ever hear in your life.
Morale is “plummeting” among federal law enforcement officers tasked with carrying out the Trump administration’s aggressive anti-immigration operation, as they complained that long hours, ambitious arrest quotas and hatred from the public, according to reports.
oh boo fucking hoo. dry your fucking eyes. nobody twisted your arms and forced you to become willing participants in deadly fascism. what did you think would happen after you kidnapped children and murdered innocent bystanders in cold blood? that we would throw flowers and give you a standing ovation?
oh please, grow the fuck up. actions have consequences, you crybabies.
the kind staff at the White House Assisted Living Facility allowed Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants to make a day trip to Iowa, so he could have a playdate with some of his cultists. wasn’t that sweet of them to humor a frail old codger?
oh look — Dear Leader is now wearing one glove, to hide his rotting hand.
tell me, who wore it better?
President Pudding Cup’s brain is fried. get ready for the most fucked-up lesson in ‘how a bill becomes a law’ ever.
“China will be sending me a bill very shortly supporting year-round E15 to my desk, and I will sign it without delay.”
holy. fucking. shit. China. is sending. Donny. a bill. to sign. it hurts my brain just to type that out.
hey Donny — is China in the room with us right now?
Donny also met with a bunch of big, strong Iowans yesterday — and you’ll never guess what they were doing while in the hallowed presence of Dear Leader. that’s right, they were blubbering like babies
“I just left a great group of people from Iowa and half of them were crying as they talked to me. I don’t think they’re crying because I’m doing a bad job. you know, [unintelligible] cry if you do a bad job. they were crying because I’d done a good job. ‘sir,’ they said ‘sir, you brought our country back.’ crying, crying.”
fact check:
which bring us to our hero of the day: this brave heckler at Donny’s Iowa rally, who kept shouting ‘release the Epstein Files’ — and never stopped shouting it, even as she was being eighty-sixed from the rally.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Monday Tiedrich
look, everything may totally fucking suck right now, what with the economy in tatters, our foreign policy circling the drain, and armed fascists running amok on the streets of our cities — but at least the president of the United States is crazier than a shithouse rat. so we’ve got that going for us.
let me give you fair warning: you are now about to enter Crazytown. population: Donny.
holy fucking shit. this is some seriously deranged stuff. it’s some Hitler-in-the-bunker-level ranting.
let’s see if I can rationally explain what Dear Leader is losing his shit over. the National Trust for Historic Preservation is suing Donny to block construction of the Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.
The National Trust sued Trump and several federal agencies in December, arguing the project has proceeded without required approvals, environmental review or congressional authorization.
of course the project proceeded without going through any of those proper channels. that’s not how a Mad King rolls. Donny simply had a demolition crew just show up one day to tear that shit down, before anyone had a chance to react.
but what’s even worse for Donny is that the judge assigned to the case seems inclined to agree with the Trust.
At a hearing in a lawsuit brought by the National Trust for Historic Preservation, U.S. District Judge Richard Leon raised doubts about whether Trump had statutory power to tear down the East Wing with plans to build a ballroom in its place without approval or oversight from the U.S. Congress.
Leon snapped, “Come on, be serious,” after a lawyer for the administration drew parallels to the construction of a pool during the Gerald Ford administration in the 1970s and to other smaller renovations.
and this is Donny’s reaction to being told ‘no’: to power-load an infinite series of diapers, and melt all the way down on his crappy app.
he’s a fucking child — one with a persecution complex. who fucking talks like this?
“But no, as usual, I got sued, this time by the Radical Left National (No!)Trust for Historic Preservation, a group that couldn’t care less about our Country!”
a delusional narcissist, that’s who talks like that. inside Donny rat-infested brain, the National Trust can’t possibly be an impartial organization tasked with the preservation of our historic landmarks. oh no — if you oppose one of Donny’s fuckbrained schemes, you’re now part of some mythical ‘radical left,’ hell-bent on destroying the country.
I’ll bet the staid bureaucrats of the Historic Trust never thought they’d be labeled ‘enemies of the state.’
but that, my friends, is now the guiding principle of the MAGAsphere: ‘if you disagree with me, you’re the enemy — and if you’re mean to me, I can’t help what comes next.’
let’s watch as Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino — that adorable little Fascist In A Teacup™ — applies this principle to the death and chaos he’s perpetrated in Minneapolis.
“when politicians, community leaders and some journalists engage in that heated rhetoric we keep talking about, when they make the choice to vilify law enforcement, calling law enforcement names like ‘Gestapo,’ or using the term ‘kidnapping,’ that is a choice that is made. there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.”
Gestapo Greg says what?
I’m sorry, Greg — are we hurting your fragile fee-fees by calling you and your lawless masked thugs ‘Gestapo’? well, here’s a free clue: maybe don’t act like Nazis, and we won’t have any reason to call you Nazis. if the jackboot fits, wear it, am I right?
and while we’re on the subject, maybe also don’t dress like you’re in some dinner-theater production of Springtime for Hitler.
but let’s look at the darker side of Obergruppenführer Greg’s message: ‘there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.’
excuse me? we’re now being warned to expect ‘consequences’ from the ‘choice’ of calling a fascist a fascist? on what fucking planet? that ain’t the way it works in America, pal. name-calling is not a capital crime. at least not yet it isn’t.
but this is the rhetoric we’ve been hearing from the Donnyverse ever since Renee Good got gunned down in her car. ‘look at what you made us do.’
“we gotta stop the hateful rhetoric. saying this officer is a murderer is dangerous. it’s just ridiculous. it’s just gonna infuriate people more which means there’s gonna be more incidents like this.”
that was Tom Homan, in the days following Renee Good’s summary execution, warning us to keep our mouths shut, if we don’t want more of the same.
once again, this is classic abuser language: ‘look what you made us do.’
getting back to Obergruppenführer Greg’s soundbite, where he whines about‘vilifying law enforcement’ — let’s be clear about one thing: the actions of the masked ICE thugs can in no way be called ‘law enforcement.’ no actual laws are being ‘enforced’ by ICE on the streets of Minneapolis. it’s state-sponsored terrorism, is what it is.
Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel: “you cannot bring a firearm, loaded, with multiple magazines, to any sort of protest that you want. it’s that simple. you don’t have a right to break the law.”
BZZZT! wrong answer.
Under the Second Amendment and MN Stat. 624.714, permit holders may legally carry firearms in public, including during protests. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that public carry is a constitutional right. Carrying a firearm does not legally constitute “inciting violence.”
I’m so old, I remember what Republicans loved the shit out of people who brought guns to protests.
remember these shitwits?
these MAGA morons were so mad about being asked to lock down and mask up against COVID that they festooned themselves with weapons of mass death and protested inside the Michigan Statehouse.
nobody arrested them. nobody shot them point-blank in the back of their head. in fact, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex lauded them as patriotic heroes of freedom.
and how about these fucknuts?
this is Patricia and Mark McCloskey, reacting in most perfectly normal way to protesters who were simply passing by their house. these paranoid weirdos weren’t gunned down on the spot. in fact, they were honored as keynote speakers at the 2020 Republican National Convention.
and when teenage incel Kyle Rittenhouse brought a weapon to a protest and actually killed people, do you know who defended his ‘right’ to do so? Kash Patel.
“Kash Patel on Kyle Rittenhouse: ‘Where is the due process?’”
excuse me, but where the fuck was Alex Pretti’s due process? he kept his weapon holstered, never drew it, never brandished it — and now he’s dead, thanks to Obergruppenführer Greg’s Gestapo.
our one saving grace amidst all this carnage may well be Donny’s compulsion to overreach and clownfuck his own agenda.
it turns out that Second Amendment absolutists fucking hate it when you try to tell them where they can or can’t bring guns.
“But we must also maintain our core values as a nation, including the right to protest and assemble.”
let’s be clear: Senator Ricketts is not our friend. he’s an asshole who is totally down with ICE disappearing immigrants off the streets of our cities. but he does draw the line at the summary execution of protesters. lucky us.
holy shit, Donny’s even pissed off the NRA. here’s their response to Bill Essayli, one of Donny’s hand-picked MAGAfied US Attorneys, who said, ‘if you approach law enforcement with a gun, there is a high likelihood they will be legally justified in shooting you.’
“This sentiment from the First Assistant U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California is dangerous and wrong. responsible public voices should be awaiting a full investigation, not making generalizations and demonizing law-abiding citizens.”
oh, and the nonsense that Bill Essayli farted out about cops being legally justified in shooting anyone possessing a gun? it’s completely fucking wrong.
The U.S. Constitution (particularly the 2nd, 4th, and 14th amendments) prohibit officers from shooting citizens merely for possessing a weapon that is not an “imminent threat”. This was reaffirmed in Graham v Connor, which says force must be reasonable.
Donny’s moving too fast, being too reckless and breaking too much shit in the process. none of the fuckery Donny is perpetrating is sustainable, and very little of it is popular.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it — because I will never stop believing it’s true: someday, this war’s gonna end.
here are your heroes of the day: the good people of Nuuk, Greenland.
that’s a message the whole world can get behind.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vomiting It All Up
I Will Not Look Away. I Will Not Be Silent.
I don’t care if some of you are tired of the Tiedrich posts. If you don’t like it, go elsewhere. Seriously.
yes, again.
once again, masked thugs who have been conditioned — not trained, but conditioned — to shoot first and think never have gunned down a civilian in cold blood.
and, once again, the vile shitstains responsible for all this fuckery have asked us to — no, I’m sorry, they’re demanding that we disbelieve what we’re all seeing with our own eyes.
here’s what we know so far:
militarized government thugs were patrolling the streets of an American city and harassing its residents — just as the framers of our Constitution intended. they wore masks to hide their identities — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.
five of the masked thugs approached a man who was recording them, pepper-sprayed him, and roughly shoved him to the ground — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.
as the man struggled to get away, one or more of the masked thugs drew his weapon and shot the man several times, killing him — just as the framers of our Constitution intended. as the man lay face-down on the ground, more shots were fired into his lifeless body — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.
it was just another fucked-up day in these United States of Brutal Fascism.
as with the state-sponsored killing of Renee Good three weeks ago, the worst people in the world immediately started lying their insipid faces off about what had happened.
they blamed the victim — Alex Pretti, a 37-year-old intensive care nurse — painting him as the latest Radical Leftist Lunatic™ to get what was coming to him.
here’s some truly Orwellian shit from Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino, everyone’s favorite bite-sized fascist.
“the suspect also had two loaded magazines and no accessible ID. this looks like a situation where an individual wanted to do maximum damage and massacre law enforcement.”
fact check: bull fucking shit, Pocket Nazi.
The Department of Homeland Security said the episode began after a man approached Border Patrol agents with a handgun and they tried to disarm him. But footage from the scene shows the man was holding a phone in his hand, not a gun, when federal agents took him to the ground and shot him.
so, let’s talk about that gun that Alex Pretti was carrying.
His concealed weapon was found only after he was restrained on the sidewalk, the videos show. It appears to have been taken from him before the agents opened fire.
according to Minneapolis police, he had every legal right to carry it.
“The only interaction that we are aware of with law enforcement has been for traffic tickets and we believe he is a lawful gun owner with a permit to carry.”
let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: the ICE thugs were never in danger. Pretti’s weapon remained holstered, and was never in his hand. what was in his hand was very clearly a cell phone. I mean, even low-wattage ICE morons can tell the difference, right?
the very same people who have spent year fetishizing the right to carry weapons in public are shocked — shocked! — to discover that people are exercising that Constitutionally-protected right.
let’s gaze in awe as ICE Barbie once again drags the truth out back to the gravel pit and shoots it in the face.
reporter: “did the 37-year-old who had a license to carry, did he brandish a gun?”
Kristi Noem: “this individual showed up to impede a law enforcement operation and assaulted our officers. they responded according to their training and took action to defend the officer’s life and those of the public around him, and I don’t know of any peaceful protester that shows up with a gun and ammunition rather than a sign. this is a violent riot when you have someone showing up with weapons and are using them to assault law enforcement officers.”
can we please stop calling ICE ‘law enforcement officers’? they’re not enforcing any known laws on the books. what they’re doing is inventing their own laws on the spot — and playing judge, jury and executioner.
but I digress. answer the question, puppy perforator — did Alex Pretti brandish a gun?
fact check: no, he fucking well did not.
hey, you want to see what brandishing looks like? here’s some brandishing.
I’m so old, I remember when some teenage fuckbag showed up at a protest and brandished the shit out of an assault rifle. when he used that weapon to kill three protesters, the entire wingnut ecosystem made him an instant folk hero.
so, to recap: if you’re an anti-fascist protester with lawful, holstered weapon, too bad, fuck-o, it’s summary execution for you. but if you’re a MAGA dipshit openly spraying bullets into a crowd, you’re ‘a nice young man.’
shut up, Piggy.
and you can shut the fuck up, too, Couchfuck McGee.
“This level of engineered chaos is unique to Minneapolis. It is the direct consequence of far left agitators, working with local authorities.”
oh please, don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining. the only people engineering chaos are the masked ICE goons who are going out of their way to harm as many Minnesotans as possible.
Uncle Tim Walz, can you please talk some sense to these shit-kazoos?
“speak out. bear witness and document legally. but I understand the risk in that. and I understand the courage that it takes to have people out there doing this. thank God we have video, because according to DHS, these seven heroic guys took an onslaught of a battalion against them or something. it’s nonsense, people. it’s nonsense and it is lies.”
you know thinks Little Miss Hair Extensions’ Department of Homeland Security has gone to far? the guy who invented the Department of Homeland Security, that’s who. he’s calling today’s DHS fascists — and he’s calling for Preznit Fuckwit to be impeached and removed from office.
“I helped to establish DHS in 2002 and 2003 and later had the homeland security portfolio as a White House Counsel and served as General Counsel of the Department. I am enraged and embarrassed by DHS’s lawlessness, fascism, and cruelty. Impeach and remove Trump—now.”
Democrats must to do whatever they can to shut this shit down — and it looks like they might actually follow through. look at Chuck Schumer.
Strongly-Worded Chuck has come about as close to losing his shit as I’ve ever seen him.
“What’s happening in Minnesota is appalling—and unacceptable in any American city. Democrats sought common sense reforms in the Department of Homeland Security spending bill, but because of Republicans’ refusal to stand up to President Trump, the DHS bill is woefully inadequate to rein in the abuses of ICE. I will vote no. Senate Democrats will not provide the votes to proceed to the appropriations bill if the DHS funding bill is included.”
Jake Sherman of Punchbowl News points out that — assuming that Chuck isn’t just Lucy-and-the-footballing us — all this could lead to another government shutdown.
“This ICE situation is a nightmare for the Senate. Cannot see a scenario in which Senate Dems can vote for this 6-bill package which includes DHS funding. Govt shuts down Friday. First Senate procedural vote likely not until Wednesday, giving them limited room to maneuver. House on recess. Any changes to the bill would require the House. Shutdown a real possibility at this point.”
so, fun week ahead.
I think it’s great the Democrats are finding their voices, but as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reminds us, none of this shit is normal — especially the GOP’s total abdication of any responsibility to rein in Dear Leader’s excesses — and we should reject every attempt to normalize it.
“this really isn’t just about Democrats. this is about Democrats, Republicans, and independents. and I think, right now, in this moment, there has been this permission structure where we have all universally accepted that the Republican Party will simply just have no morals, or fall in line with the president of the United States — and we have to challenge that logic and rhetoric every single time. I believe that often times they are given a free pass, and this accepted logic just allows them to continue to vote without any resistance from the constituencies, because we’ve accepted some foregone conclusion.”
now for your heroes of the day: the brave — and I do mean brave — Minnesotans who used debris — and then their own bodies — to block an armored vehicle from advancing.
(video credit: Brendan Gutenschwager via Threads.)
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Saturday’s Pavlovitz
Dear President Trump,
It’s taken me a while to realize and admit this, but I’m grateful to you.
I’ve spent a decade openly lamenting your presence and the poison it has so effortlessly released into our nation’s blood system.
Today, I find myself horrified at a second term that is doing even greater damage than I ever imagined it would. My heart has been hourly broken as I’ve watched our country imploding, our public discourse become polluted, our daily existence grow ever more corrosive, and I’ve wrongly assumed you were to blame.
Yet, I’ve come to understand that you haven’t manufactured our current national ugliness; you’ve simply revealed it and leveraged it.
By generating a limitless torrent of hateful, mean-spirited ignorance, you’ve given other like-minded people license to do the same. You’ve opened up the floodgates for their collective moral sewage to flow fully. People no longer hide their malevolence behind feigned politeness and phony civility; they now revel in it, they broadcast it, and they celebrate it.
You’ve made bigotry, misogyny, and racism socially acceptable again, and that has been a kind of twisted gift because it’s allowed me to really see people, not as they pretend to be on the surface, but in the very depths of their calloused hearts.
Over and over throughout the last decade, your supporters would always tell me that they liked you because you “speak your mind,” yet I realized a long time ago that it is because you speak their minds. You’ve given credence to their phobias, sanctioned their prejudices, and normalized their contempt for their neighbors.
Thanks to the terrible ground you’ve broken, politicians, pastors, friends, and strangers, both in person and on social media, now regularly out themselves as cruel, intolerant, and malicious. They remind me just how close they are to me, just how deep the sickness in us runs, and just how far a nation we have to go to become worthy of our songs and anthems.
You’ve emboldened people to be open about things they used to conceal for the sake of decorum, and though it turns my stomach, I know that this is the only way we can move forward; to have that cancerous stuff exposed fully so that it can be dealt with. Our progress as a nation is predicated on authentic dialogue, no matter how brutal and disheartening that dialogue is.
In other words, you’ve let us know what we’re really dealing with here and while it’s been rightly disturbing, it’s also been revelatory. That’s the thing about that kind of harsh light: you’re forced to see everything; beauty and monstrosity equally illuminated.
Now, please don’t misunderstand me: I think you are the most malignant President in our nation’s history, and I fear gravely for the world my children will inherit, should America survive your Presidency at all. I believe you’re a soulless, loveless, irredeemably hateful bottom-feeder; the very worst of what humanity has produced.
But regardless of what happens now, you’ve already allowed me the blessing of discovering the truth: about me, about my neighbors, about my friends and family members, and about our country.
And in the process, you’ve also shown me that I am not alone in resisting you and the sickening, grievous things you’ve revealed about us.
You’ve generated an equally loud, equally passionate response to it, and this is where I find my hope these days.
I find it in those for whom equality, freedom, and justice aren’t just cheap buzzwords or hollow sentiments; they are the most precious of hills to die on.
I find it in those people who refuse to be silent in the face of our moral regression.
I find it in those who are willing to be more bold in defending the inherent value of all people.
I find it in the growing army of those true patriots who will not tolerate hatred as a core American value.
I find it in human beings who fiercely reject white supremacy in every form.
I find it in those who reject violence as a default response to dissension.
I find it in the ever-rising voice of people who will not let your malice and bitterness represent them in the world.
I find it in the ordinary activists who will not allow us to repeat the worst of history here.
Today I find my hope in those who, like me, will not be complicit in allowing exclusion to become a source of national pride, who will not tolerate an America that is bereft of empathy and drained of diversity, because we’ve seen where that leads.
Yes, President Trump, you’ve unearthed our hidden afflictions, and you’ve paraded them unapologetically in the light of day.
You brought every awful thing about us out into the open so that we can face it without myth or misunderstanding.
You’ve shown me that America is greater than you and your sycophantic disciples’ plans for it, and that it is worth fighting for with everything I have.
And for all of this, I thank you.
Midweek Tiedrich
let’s start with a bang, and put our Hero of the Day right up top.
here’s Anders Vistisen, Danish politician and member of the European Parliament, speaking for the entire world.
“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”
it must be said that Anders Vistisen is not our friend. he’s as far-right as they come — and it is absolutely heartbreaking to have to note that it took a Nazi to speak bluntly to Dear Leader.
yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Donny’s second reign — so naturally, preening peacock held a victory lap, in the form of an excruciatingly long, incoherent shit-show of a press conference.
let’s gaze in awe as Donny encounters a tool for the first time, and learns to master it.
whoops, wrong clip. sorry. here you go, here’s President Hominid, mastering a new tool.
“here’s, uh, the book on— accomplishments. and this is something— woo, I’m glad my finger wasn’t in that sucker. [hold up binder clip] that could have done some damage, but you know what? I wouldn’t have shown the pain. I would have gone back. boy did you hear that? that was nasty. but I would not have shown the pain. I would have acted like nothing happened, as my finger fell off. that was nasty. I think somebody did that. [points to camera] it was him. it was my man. how are you? you didn’t do it. I know you didn’t. I know you didn’t. so, uh—”
hey, you know what, Donny? fuck off. it was a paper clip. stop being a drama queen.
thank god Donny’s bone spurs weren’t acting up, and preventing him from heroically winning the War of the Binder Clip.
that pile of papers Donny’s brandishing in the above clip, that’s his list of ‘365 wins.’ that’s what the whole presser was about, Donny bragging about his (imaginary) wins.
let’s check out just one of them, number 243.
#243 says: “Stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden of his taxpayer-funded Secret Service detail.”
Donny, fuck off. that’s not a ‘win’ — that’s the act of a toxic piece of shit obsessed with settling scores.
hey, where do you think ‘suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files’ was in Donny’s list of wins? I’d have put it at number one.
now excuse me, but what the fuck is this, and where does ‘blithering like a lunatic’ land on Donny’s win list?
“we had in my area in Queens, I grew up in Queens, we had a place called Creedmore. Creedmore. does anybody know that? Creedmore. it was a big— I said ‘mom, why are those— bars on the building?’ I used to play little league baseball— there. a place called Cunningham Park. I was quite the baseball player. you couldn’t believe it. but I said to my mother, ‘mom—’ she would be there always there for me, she said ‘son, you could be a professional baseball player.’ I said ‘thanks mom.’ I said, ‘why are those bars on the windows?’ big building. big, powerful building that loomed over the park, actually. she said, ‘well, people that are very sick are in that building.’ I said, ‘boy.’ I used to always look at that building and I’d see— big building, big, tall building, it loomed over the park, sort of. now that I think of it, I think it was pretty unfriendly, sad. but I— I’ll never forget— I don’t know if it’s still there.”
get the idea? it was a big, tall building — powerful, in fact, with tears in its eyes.
of course, that fascinating anecdote took place in the old days, when Donny used to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time.
so, what was the press doing, while Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ brain was visibly leaking out of his ears? just what they always do: sitting there like useless lumps, nodding their heads. this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 2,122nd day.
instead of any ‘what the fuck’ bravery, we just got the the usual fresh load of horse shit. here’s NPR’s Mara Liasson’s hot take.
“And what else struck me about this press conference was how similar Trump and Biden were. Both of them tried to convince Americans that the economy was a lot better than voters’ own experience of the economy is.”
worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press, please stop it with this both-sides nonsense.
we’re one year into this nightmare, and the press is still normalizing and sanewashing Donny’s outright fascism.
“President Donald Trump has commanded attention during his second term. From military interventions to controversial social media posts, the Republican has rewritten the presidency’s role in a divided country.”
oh please, fuck straight off with this tepid pablum.
Donny isn’t ‘rewriting the role of the presidency.’ he’s pouring gasoline all over the Constitution and setting a fucking match to it — and by dancing around the issue couching it in oh-so-polite terms, the press is aiding and abetting him.
Gavin Newsom is in Davos this week, and he’s got a message for the gathered world leaders: cut the bullshit, and stop kowtowing to Donny.
“it’s time buck up. it’s time to get serious. stop being complicit. it’s time to stand tall and firm. have a backbone. I’ve seen this in the United States. playing Congress, playing both sides, saying one thing in a text or tweet, another publicly. it’s time to have principles. it’s time to stand tall. it’s time to stand united. have principles. I can’t take this complicity. people rolling over. I should have brought a bunch of knee pads for all the world leaders. I mean, handing out crowns, this is pathetic. Nobel Prizes that are being given away. it’s just pathetic. and I hope people understand how pathetic they look on the world stage. I mean, at least from an American perspective. it’s embarrassing. one thing they can’t do is what they’ve been doing, and they’ve been played. this guy’s playing folks for fools, and it’s embarrassing.”
Gavin is spot fucking on — because world leaders have indeed spent a year flattering Donny, and appeasing him, hoping that by stroking his unquenchable ego, they could somehow magically come out on top.
in case you’ve forgotten, South Korea really did literally give Donny his very own crown.
what did South Korea end up getting in return? not one fucking thing.
yet the flattery and kowtowing goes on, right up to into the new year. we even saw it yesterday, in the text message from Macron that Donny posted on his shitty app. look at this obsequious drek.
“my friend.” “we are totally in line.” “let us try to build great things.” “let’s have lunch, I’ll invite whoever you want to.”
oh please. Donny is laughing his ginormous ass off at what a fool you are.
hey, you know who else thought he could flatter his way to victory?
this homey. Neville Chamberlain, pictured here with his best bud, Adolf Whats-His-Name.
in 1938, Chamberlain came up with an awesome idea: all Europe had to do was flatter old Adolf, tell him what a great guy he is — and if they him keep Sudetenland, that’ll satisfy him, and he’ll leave the rest of the world alone.
come on, Adolf. let’s do lunch. I’ll invite whoever you want.
tell me, how did flattery and appeasement work out for Europe?
Anders Vistisen, can you step back in here for a moment and remind that everyone tyrants need to spoken to in the only language they understand?
“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”
thanks, bro. now get your right-wing ass out of my sight.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Sunday Tiedrich
is the leader of your country crazier than a shithouse rat? is he out wandering in the tall weeds, where the buses don’t run? is he a few sandwiches short of a fucking brain?
here’s one sure way to tell: does he spend his time rage-posting stark barking bonkers threats to take over other countries?
fact check for the United States: yes, he does. lucky us.
holy. fucking shit. 445 words — every single one of them delusional.
this may be the dumbfuckiest thing Donny’s ever posted. there’s no polite way of sugar-coating this: Dear Leader is coo-coo for cocoa puffs.
before we even begin wading through the content of this crazypants post, we need to remind ourselves that we’ve become so normalized to Donny’s behavior, it’s easy to forget that how utterly fucking insane it is.
it’s not normal for a head of state to spend all day and all night crapping out hundreds of posts an hour onto an app he paid someone to create after getting banned from twitter for doing an insurrection.
and on no planet is it normal for a world leader to conduct high-level foreign policy via a medium that was invented for looking at cat pictures and gossiping about celebrities.
no other president or prime minister does this. France’s Macron isn’t up all night whining about every grievance on some crappy app he’s named La Vérité Sociale. he has better things to do with his time. oh, and he’s a mature adult, not some diapershitting rage-baby.
that said, let us now gird the shit out of our loins, and take a deep dive into Donny’s post. all girded up? okay, here we go.
We have subsidized Denmark, and all of the Countries of the European Union, and others, for many years by not charging them Tariffs, or any other forms of remuneration. Now, after Centuries, it is time for Denmark to give back — World Peace is at stake! China and Russia want Greenland, and there is not a thing that Denmark can do about it. They currently have two dogsleds as protection, one added recently. Only the United States of America, under PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, can play in this game, and very successfully, at that!
delusions of grandeur much?
Donny might as well just shove a Napoleon hat onto his head and declare himself Emperor of the Universe.
fun fact: we already have a US military base in Greenland. we can already defend the country if need be — and trust me, China and Russia couldn’t give a fuck about Greenland. it’s of no strategic value to them, and Greenland’s resources are too expensive to extract.
Nobody will touch this sacred piece of Land,
this is where you can invoke the ‘in my pants’ rule. ‘nobody will touch this sacred piece of land — in my pants.’
especially since the National Security of the United States, and the World at large, is at stake. On top of everything else, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Finland have journeyed to Greenland, for purposes unknown.
not for ‘purposes unknown,’ you deranged rodeo clown.
eight NATO countries have taken the extraordinary step of pledging military support for Greenland — to protect them from a maniac who spends his idle hours pointing at random countries on a globe and going ‘mine now.’
it’s as if Donny is starring in a version of Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator — except one that’s not funny.
oh wait, we already had a version of The Great Dictator that wasn’t funny. it was called The Third Reich.
look at where we are right now, thanks to Donny’s imperialistic fever dreams: it’s us versus NATO. can you fucking imagine that? we used to lead NATO, and now we’re a pariah state.
ace job, Donny. take a fucking victory lap. our next president is going to have so much to clean up after, that it’s going to take years to glue all the pieces back together.
Greenland wants no part of becoming America’s fifty-whatever state. there were massive demonstrations in Greenland and Denmark yesterday. look at the cool hat they came up with for the occasion.
now that’s a MAGA I can get behind.
by the way, over two hundred thousand Danes have signed a petition to buy California from America, which would be the most hilarious thing ever.
anyway, back to Donny’s post—
This is a very dangerous situation for the Safety, Security, and Survival of our Planet. These Countries, who are playing this very dangerous game, have put a level of risk in play that is not tenable or sustainable.
‘a level of risk in play that is not sustainable’ — in my pants.
Therefore, it is imperative that, in order to protect Global Peace and Security, strong measures be taken so that this potentially perilous situation end quickly, and without question. Starting on February 1st, 2026, all of the above mentioned Countries (Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Finland), will be charged a 10% Tariff on any and all goods sent to the United States of America. On June 1st, 2026, the Tariff will be increased to 25%. This Tariff will be due and payable until such time as a Deal is reached for the Complete and Total purchase of Greenland.
tariffs again — because why not? let’s have a trade war and a land war. what could possibly go wrong?
sure, let’s punish American shoppers and raise the price of everything — again — because Donny’s Big Mad about NATO not letting him do an imperialism.
tell me, what ever happened to the lie about how tariffs were going to make everything cheaper? Donny’s not even bothering to spin that bullshit any more. now he’s just using tariffs to punish other counties who won’t obey his orders — because Donny doesn’t care how, he wants Greenland now.
The United States has been trying to do this transaction for over 150 years. Many Presidents have tried, and for good reason, but Denmark has always refused.
fact check: holy shit, Donny said something that’s actually true. three times in the past, we’ve floated the idea of buying Greenland from Denmark. in each instance, the Danes politely declined. you know why? because they’re a sovereign fucking nation, and have the right to say no. oh silly me, I forgot that Donny isn’t big on consent.
Now, because of The Golden Dome, and Modern Day Weapons Systems, both Offensive and Defensive, the need to ACQUIRE is especially important.
‘the need to ACQUIRE is especially important’ — in my pants.
Hundreds of Billions of Dollars are currently being spent on Security Programs having to do with “The Dome,” including for the possible protection of Canada, and this very brilliant, but highly complex system can only work at its maximum potential and efficiency, because of angles, metes, and bounds, if this Land is included in it.
again with the ‘Golden Dome,’ Donny’s own version of Reagan’s ‘Star Wars’ missile defense shield — except this one’s batshittier, more unpractical and more expensive than St. Ronnie’s ever was. and it’s gold, because of course it is. this fucking child and his infantile obsession with gold.
I have an idea. instead of flushing hundreds of billion of dollars down the toilet on an unworkable waste of time that will never be built, why don’t we have affordable healthcare in our country?
silly me for even asking. you don’t have to say it, I’ll just go proactively fuck myself.
The United States of America is immediately open to negotiation with Denmark and/or any of these Countries that have put so much at risk, despite all that we have done for them, including maximum protection, over so many decades. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
‘thank you for your attention to this matter’ — in my pants.
DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
ugh.
oh, and that wasn’t Donny only batshit post from yesterday. he also took time to whine about Joe Biden’s autopen.
“Everyone is asking about the Autopen?”
‘what about the autopen’ — in my pants.
“There must be a price to pay, and it has got to be a BIG ONE!”
everybody say it with me: ‘there has got to be a BIG ONE’ — in my pants.
it’s definitely time to do a palate cleanse with our hero of the day: Abigail Spanberger, who was sworn into office yesterday, becoming Virginia’s first woman governor.
what was one of her first acts of office? to end her Republican predecessor’s kowtowing to Donny’s personal gestapo.
 |
On her first day as Governor, Abigail Spanberger made a decisive move: she vetoed Executive Order 47, ending Virginia’s participation in the federal 287(g) program that allowed local law enforcement to act as ICE agents.
awesome. more like this, please.
have a great Sunday, everyone.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I Just Can’t Today
You can get your daily dose of Tiedrich here.
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Dystopian Hellscape
And lastly…
Dear Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thank you for your kind note letting me know that you’re worried about me, and you wonder if I realize I’m coming across as angry lately.
Your assessment is correct, and yes, I do realize it.
I am angry.
I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry for that.
I understand your discomfort, as I can imagine I’m not all that fun to be around right now, and that from time to time my words may come across as combative or abrasive or unhelpful. I’m probably more than a bit of a downer lately.
You’re going to have to bear with me, as I haven’t been sleeping well for a bit. Admittedly, I’m not at my best these days, so please forgive me because I’m chronically overtired. I’m exhausted from having to give all the sh*ts about people that you’re supposed to be giving, along with my own.
I’m worn out from keeping up on legislation and watching hearings and staying on top of details and remembering deadlines and imploring action, while you go about your day as if such things are an annoyance, as if they are a disruption to your plan, as if the expiration date for my outrage should have long ago passed.
I am absolutely burnt out from trying to make my voice loud enough to counteract not only the bad people’s incredible volume but your deafening silence. Both of these things are doing similar damage right now, sadly.
Believe me, I understand that my activism is a problem for you. Please know that your inactivism is similarly problematic for me. It’s part of the reason I am as angry as I am; because I’m not only having to fight against those who seem furiously bent on hurting people—I’m having to fight against those who don’t seem give enough of a damn that they are doing so, to say anything.
Look, I get it, I really do. It’s difficult to see so much bad news, to fully face the relentless flood of terrible, to try and wrap your brain around seemingly boundless cruelty around you. It’s tiresome to spend so much time with a closed fist. I know it’s even a pain in the rear end to endure the continual rantings of people like me on your news feed and in your timeline and across the dinner table and in the break room.
I’m tired of me, too.
I’m over the fight, as well.
I’m sick of the sound of my own voice.
I’d rather not be doing this either.
I’d much rather prefer to forget about it all and just enjoy life, to only post pictures of puppies and my kids and to simply ignore all that “political stuff” that you ignore.
But that is what privilege looks like: to even believe I have such an option, to have the great luxury of living without urgency because I can seemingly shield myself from it all.
That is what the bad people are counting on. They’re counting on good people being too tired, too apathetic, too selfish, or too oblivious to sustain their outrage. I am not going to give that gift to them.
As long as they’re fully invested in putting people through hell, I’m going to be as invested in pushing back against it.
I think the people I love are worth it.
I think you and the people you love are worth it.
I think people I’ll never meet are worth it.
And that’s the rub here: love will often look a lot like rage as it fiercely fights on behalf of those who are being brutalized.
So yes, angry is not all that I am, but I am rightly and quite angry.
And it would be really helpful if we could carry the load of outrage right now.
That would actually be a source of rest and joy and breath for people like me.
Friend, if you really want me to be less angry, you might try being a little more angry yourself. We’re all in this together.
I am angry, concerned friend.
I wish you were angry too.
There Are No Words To Describe How Much I Despise Trump
folks, the president’s brain has left the station. I’m not sure it’s ever coming back.
Upgrade to paid
after its long holiday break, Congress was back in session yesterday — and Mad King Donny chose to mark the occasion by giving what might charitably be called a ‘speech’ to Congressional Republicans.
I have no idea what cocktail of drugs his handlers pumped him full of, but holy fucking shit.
Republicans, how the fuck are you not embarrassed by this?
pink hair, orange face, three chins, delicate little white porcelain doll hands, and a brain that’s out there wandering where the buses don’t run. the GOP’s beloved Dear Leader is a clown — but you couldn’t possibly hire him to entertain a child’s birthday party, because he would just terrify the crap out of everyone.
as is his usual wont, Preznit Fuckwit rambled incoherently for an hour and a half, blithering about fever-swamp hallucinations that exist only inside his big, dumb pumpkin head.
“they are mean, and smart. but fortunately for you, they have horrible policies. they can be smart as— can be. but when they want open borders, when they want, as I said, men in women’s sports. when they want [waves his arms] TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE! bring your kids in, we’re gonna change the sex of your child. just send them our way. in some cases, LIKE IN MINNESOTA, they don’t even tell the parents, is that right? and nobody believes it when I say it. I think we have six states. nobody— am I correct? it’s true. when the kid comes back— they keep the kid— they operate on this kid, they don’t tell the parents. it’s not— believable.”
fact check:
how were the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets not chasing Donny off the stage after that crazypants soliloquy?
for those of you keeping score at home, they’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they fraudstering the daycare centers — and they’re transgendering everything in sight.
but Donny’s speech wasn’t all batshittery. he also threatened us all with a good time.
“you gotta win the midterms. because if we don’t win the midterms— it’s just gotta be— I mean, they’ll find a reason to impeach me. I’ll get impeached.”
no fucking shit, Sherlock.
that clip alone should motivate every Democrat to run to the polls this November — because the quickest way to put an end to all this fascist fuckstickery is for the Democrats to retake the House, and gain a supermajority in the Senate.
now tell me — what the fuck is this?
“she hates when I dance. I said, ‘everybody wants me to dance.’ ‘darling, it’s not presidential.’ she actually said, ‘could you imagine FDR dancing?’ she said that to me. and I said, there’s a long history that perhaps— she doesn’t know. because he was an elegant fellow. even as a Democrat, right? he was— the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant. but he wouldn’t be doing this. but— but— [laughs] nor would— too many others. but she says ‘darling, please. the weightlifting is terrible.’”
neither Donny nor Melania have any idea that FDR was confined to a wheelchair, do they? for a second there, I thought Donny was going to point out her error, but then the coked-up squirrel running around in his head chewed through the wrong wire, and what seeped instead out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant.’
come on, that’s not even a coherent sentence by any stretch of the imagination. where are the men with the butterfly nets?
by the way, this is the Melania version of a ‘sir’ story. you know it never actually happened, because there’s no way Donny’s Slovenian rent-a-wife would ever call him ‘darling.’ she hates his guts.
Donny sure is convinced of his own dancing prowess. he never shuts the fuck up about it. has Donny ever actually seen himself doing his ‘jacking off two invisible giraffes’ dance?
he should be embarrassed by that shit — but he’s not. he’s super fucking proud of it. in fact, have you heard the latest? apparently, Donny’s hella pissed at Nicolás Maduro for — hold onto your hat — stealing his dance moves.
President Trump accused Nicolás Maduro of attempting to steal his famed dance moves after reports that the White House believed the deposed dictator was mocking the US.
what the fuck is this thin-skinned bastard whining about now? aside from the fact that here we have two authoritarian idiots who have no idea how to dance, how are these the same?
it’s truly stunning how many grudges Donny has running around in his noggin. how does he keep them all straight?
so, is this the true Donroe Doctrine? ‘you steal my dance, I steal your oil’?
because Donny is def stealing Venezuela’s oil.
I am pleased to announce that the Interim Authorities in Venezuela will be turning over between 30 and 50 MILLION Barrels of High Quality, Sanctioned Oil, to the United States of America. This Oil will be sold at its Market Price, and that money will be controlled by me, as President of the United States of America, to ensure it is used to benefit the people of Venezuela and the United States! I have asked Energy Secretary Chris Wright to execute this plan, immediately. It will be taken by storage ships, and brought directly to unloading docks in the United States. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
what the fuck? Donny’s just going ‘mine now,’ and straight up absconding with Venezuela’s oil, giving them jack shit in return?
or course, Donny doesn’t see this as stealing, because he’s conveniently convinced himself that all that oil is actually his, and fuck those wily Venezuelans for very sneakily putting all their land on top of his oil. what the hell, Venezuela?
again, where are the men with the butterfly nets? because his farcical insistence that ‘all that Venezuelan oil has been stolen from America, and we’re just taking it back’ is just as bonkers as believing that doctors in Minnesota are transgendering the shit out of everyone in sight.
of course, none of this fuckery is legal — or constitutional. Donny can’t just extort another country’s natural resources, like some mobster going ‘nice country you got here. be a real shame if something were to happen to it.’ he can’t sell off all that oil and stick it in some mysterious bank account, to spend it as he — and he alone — sees fit. collecting and allocating funds is Congress’ job. it’s right there in the fucking Constitution.
but there I go again, prattling on about what Donny can’t do. Congressional Republicans aren’t going to stop him. they’ve completely abdicated their responsibilities. why did Holy Mike Johnson even bother to gavel Congress back into session, if they’re going to go sit there like useless lumps?
by the way, ‘30 to 50 million barrels of oil’ may sound like a ginormous amount, but it’s not. America burns through about 20 million barrels of the stuff every day. all that shit’s gonna be gone in two or three days — and Donny will be back at Venezuela’s door, like a junkie hankering for a fix.
all this is pretty dreary shit, so let’s take a break, grab some popcorn, and enjoy some Republican-on-Republican violence.
Matt Gaetz: “when did Dan Bongino run for office and how did he perform as a candidate?”
Dan Bingo-Bongo Bongino: “Maybe if I spent more time at shady parties with monied insiders I would’ve won. I heard you’d know a bit about that. You’ve always been a dick by the way. Grifting off your daddy like a suckling little doggie. When I first met you in the panhandle I knew you were a piece of shit. It’s written all over that phony face of yours.”
does Matty Plankhead indeed have a phony face? let’s do a quick fact check.
yes, he does.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Sunday Tiedrich
when talking about yesterday’s smash-and-grab escapade in Venezuela — and the plunder to come — where do we even start? with how lawless it is? because it absolutely is completely fucking illegal — and unconstitutional.
with how insane it is? because it’s off-the-charts crazypants.
with how unnecessary it is? the American people didn’t vote for this.
with how unrealistic the goals are? of course it’s all unrealistic. Donny and his toadies live in a fantasy world.
with how it’s just a naked grab for Venezuela’s oil? no fucking shit, Sherlock.
how about we start here: let’s talk about how impaired and unfit for office Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is — because he could barely stay awake during his own victory lap.
as soon as someone else started talking, Preznit Fuckwit started sawing logs — while standing up. who says Dear Leader isn’t a man of many talents?
as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us during the Iraq debacle, sometimes you go to war with the narcoleptic fart factory you have, not the narcoleptic fart factory you want.
for fuck’s sake, what’s with all the slurring?
“the United Sases militareese the strongest and most fearsome military on the planet by far, with capabiliseesanshkills our enemies can— [long pause] scarshely begin to imagine.”
oh come on. this is so embarrassing. Donny can no longer read. his brain is fried. maybe he should stick to what he’s good at: pointing at a drawing of a camel. can someone get Dear Leader a pudding cup and lead him back to his room? he should be in bed, not overseeing a war.
hey, you know who’s going to be running Venezuela now? Donny is.
“we’re going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious transition.”
oh, how lovely. the shitwit with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel — who acts first and thinks never — is now going to two running two countries at the same time. the business genius who, as his fifth consecutive casino went bankrupt, said ‘let’s open a sixth’ is going to be making decisions about two ginormous economies — all while shopping for marble for his vulgar Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.
yeah, right.
now here’s a question: who the fuck is running Venezuela right this very second?
Donny doesn’t know, or apparently even seem to care.
Trump: “There is nobody to take over. You have a vice president who has been appointed by Maduro. She’s I guess the president. She was sworn in just a little while ago. She had a long conversation with Marco and she said, ‘We’ll do whatever you need.’ She really doesn’t have a choice.”
in fact, the Venezuelan Veep has already told Donny to go fuck himself.
Venezuela’s Vice President Delcy Rodríguez condemned the U.S. attack and capture of President Nicolás Maduro on Saturday, saying in a televised address the nation “will never return to being the colony of another empire.”
Rodriguez insists that Maduro is still Venezuela’s president.
“There is only one president in Venezuela, and his name is Nicolas Maduro Moros,” Rodriguez said in a televised address to Venezuelans hours after the U.S. strikes and Maduro’s capture.
and according to Reuters, Rodriguez is in Russia right now.
Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodriguez is in Russia, four sources familiar with her movements said on Saturday, after President Donald Trump said President Nicolas Maduro had been seized by U.S. forces after an attack on the country.
so, again, who is running the country?
Donny’s already thrown the opposition leader under the bus.
Trump on María Corina Machado: “I think it’d be very tough for her to be the leader. She doesn’t have the support or the respect within the country. She’s a very nice woman but she doesn’t have the respect.”
the thin-skinned bastard is still big mad that Machado won the Nobel Peace Prize and he didn’t, isn’t he?
this plundering of Venezuela going to be a fucking disaster — and not the fun, entertaining, Stephen-Colbert-eating-popcorn kind of disaster.
it’s going to be a five-alarm shit-show, complete with chaos and suffering civilians.
back in November, The New York Times actually committed a journalism and ran a long piece about how during Donny’s first term, the military ran a simulation on what would happen if the US ousted Maduro. their conclusion was that it would be a clusterfuck.
but Donny doesn’t give a shit about any possible turmoil and violence among the Venezuelan people. Venezuelans can go fuck themselves sideways, as far as Donny’s concerned. he’s made it very clear that this is all about grabbing that sweet, sweet crude.
Fox & Friends: “what do you see as the future of Venezuela’s oil industry?”
Donny: “well I see that we’re gonna be very strongly involved in it. that’s all. what can I say. we have the greatest oil companies in the world.”
and — oh look — the ‘greatest oil companies in the world’ are already on the job.
Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”
hey, remember that deal Donny made with oil executives back during his campaign? the one where he said ‘give me a billion dollars and I’ll take care of you’?
well, here’s your quid for that bit of pro quo. it’s all so fucking corrupt, and it’s going on right under our noses.
but Donny, who’s going to pay for all this shit?
reporter: “is it possible that the US ends up administering Venezuela for years?”
Donny: “well, you know, it won’t cost us anything because the money coming out of the ground is very substantial.”
oh lord, how fucking delusional. ‘the war going to pay for itself.’ gee, where have we heard this before? oh, yeah: back when Dick Cheney and his merry band of fuckface neocons decided to plunder Iraq. every single one of those shitbags bragged about how their awesome adventure was going to pay for itself.
“Iraq is a very wealthy country. Enormous oil reserves. They can finance, largely finance the reconstruction of their own country. And I have no doubt that they will.”
— Richard Perle, chair
The Pentagon’s Defense Policy Board
July 11, 2002
spoiler alert: the Iraq War ended up costing us over three trillion dollars.
hey, New York Times Editorial Board, could you explain to the nice people why Donny’s lawless adventurism sets a horrendous example for the rest of the world?
“By proceeding without any semblance of international legitimacy, valid legal authority or domestic endorsement, Mr. Trump risks providing justification for authoritarians in China, Russia and elsewhere who want to dominate their own neighbors.”
exactly. Donny bombing the shit out of Venezuela and going ‘mine now’ — because reasons — is no different than Putin’s war on Ukraine.
what are we going to say if Xi decides to roll tanks into Taiwan? spoiler alert: we’re not going to be able to say shit — because the US is now a rogue nation.
so much for Saint Reagan’s vision of America as a ‘shining city on a hill.’ awesome job, Donny, we’re now a pariah state. take another victory lap.
oh shit, they are taking another victory lap. they’re already drooling over the prospect of the next war.
Rubio: “If I lived in Havana in the government, I’d be concerned.”
how about Marco Rubio take his unearned hubris and shove it where the sun don’t shine?
maybe win the first war first, you arrogant fools.
you know who could put an end to this fuckery in a heartbeat? Congressional Republicans, by using their Constitutionally-mandated powers to authorize wars — but they’re not going to. in fact, they’ve already rolled right the fuck over.
Tom Cotton: “Congress isn’t notified when the FBI is going to arrest a drug trafficker or cyber criminal here in the US, nor should Congress be notified when the executive branch is executing arrests on indicted persons. and that’s really what you can make the analogy to here.”
that, folks, is how the Republicans are justifying allowing Donny to do whatever the fuck he wants — by pretending that this isn’t a war, it’s a law enforcement action.
‘war? what war? do you see a war anywhere? this is just Donny carrying out an arrest warrant for Maduro and his wife. we’re powerless to stop that shit. who says it’s a war?’
fuck off, you cowards.
now let’s talk about the Democratic response to Donny’s lawless fuckery, because there are two ways to go about it: the right way, and the Chuck Schumer way.
here’s the right way:
Rep. Seth Moulton: “is anyone going to just stop for a second and be honest? this is insane. what the hell are we doing? we’ve got a lot of problems in America today, and invading, occupying, running Venezuela does not solve any of them.”
thank you, Rep. Moulton. we’re all standing with you.
now here’s the Chuck Schumer way.
Asked about the possibility of impeachment, Schumer says ‘we hope that we can have support from our Republican colleagues to put a brake on this long before it gets that far.’”
oh fuck straight off to the moon and back, Chuckles. how fucking naive can one person be? on what planet are Republicans are going to put a breakon this? did you not hear what Tom Cotton just said, you hayseed?
let’s be clear-eyed about our Senate Minority Leader: Schumer’s a great guy to have around if there’s absolutely nothing at stake. need someone to speak at the dedication of a new post office? Chuck’s your man. need someone to make sure all the procedural i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed in some piece of shrimp boat legislation? here comes Chuck!
but Schumer isn’t a fighter. he never has been. right now, he should be screaming his head off about impeachement. that’s what Republicans would be doing if it were Joe Biden smashing and grabbing in South America. but instead, he’s making weak mewling noises about ‘support from our Republican colleagues.’ what the fuck?
Chuck Schumer just isn’t up to the task. it’s time for him to retire.
finally, let’s talk about how hastily this war was thrown together — because it did seem rushed, didn’t it? and those stage-managed photos going around, of Donny and Liddle Marco and Flippy McCrushnuts, acting all warlike and stuff?
that’s not the White House Situation Room. nor is it a secure SCIF, where classified intel can be discussed without fear of leaks.
for fuck’s sake, it’s the dining room of Motel-a-Lago, partitioned with black sheets. anyone wandering past, on their way to breakfast, could have heard what was going on.
how fucking rinky-dink is that?
so, why did this thing have to happen in the dead of night during New Year’s weekend?
it’s all about the timing.
Congress is back in session this week, and they have a lot of stuff on their plate — stuff Donny doesn’t want them dealing with. like the Epstein Files, for which the DOJ just missed another deadline. then there are the Obamacare subsidies, which expired four days ago.
fuck’s sake, there’s another possible government shutdown looming on January 30 — that needs to be dealt with, too.
but now, all anyone is going to be talking about is Venezuela.
that’s pretty convenient, isn’t it?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Sorry, No Tiedrich Today
I read through it and just couldn’t.
You’re welcome to read it all for yourself directly from the man himself if you’re so inclined.
LOSER
Friday Tiedrich
are you sitting down right now? I sure hope so, because here’s some shocking news: it turns out that the guy who lied to us about bone spurs, and lied to us about hush money, and lied to us about his Ukraine phone call — and about a hurricane and covid and the election and his height and his weight and his golf scores and how tariffs work, and about thirty thousand other things — has been lying about his health.
I know, right?
apparently, Donny got wind of the fact that the Wall Street Journal was going to commit a wall-street-journalism by documenting all the ways in which Dear Leader is falling apart physically — and he reacted in the most Donny way possible: he phoned the Journal and started whining about how unfair they’re being to him.
In an impromptu phone interview that came after the Journal shared details about its reporting with the White House, the president expressed irritation about the public debate over his health. He has grown upset with his own White House staff for not promoting him as more vigorous.
spoiler alert: this whole ‘interview’ is just Donny lying his big dumb pumpkin face off, spewing the usual fever-swamp hallucinations about how he’s super fucking healthy — healthy like no one thought possible, maybe the healthiest person ever.
“My health is perfect,” he added.
whatever you say, President Rottinghand.
speaking of which, we’ve got it all wrong about Donny’s rotting hand. those bruises, apparently, happen because Donny’s been gobbling aspirin for decades.
The large dose of aspirin he chooses to take daily has caused him to bruise easily, he said, and he has been encouraged by his doctors to take a lower dose. But Trump has declined to switch because he has been taking it for 25 years. “I’m a little superstitious,” he said in the interview.
oh please, the only thing of Donny’s that ‘bruises easily’ is his paper-thin ego. but do tell us more about your crackpot theories of medicine, Mister Windmills Give You Brain Cancer — we can’t get enough of that shit.
“They say aspirin is good for thinning out the blood, and I don’t want thick blood pouring through my heart,” Trump said. “I want nice, thin blood pouring through my heart. Does that make sense?”
Donny wants nice, thin blood like no one thought possible — and he asks us if that ‘makes sense,’ not wanting thick blood gumming up the works.
of fucking course it doesn’t make any sense. don’t take my word for it. let’s listen to an expert. Dr. Jonathan Reiner was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.
“when we use any anti-coagulant, medications to prevent clotting, those don’t thin the blood. it’s not like changing something from gumbo to chicken soup. it doesn’t make it thinner, it makes you less likely to clot. it used to be that we would treat a lot of people with aspirin therapy to prevent heart attacks — but we’ve learned in recent years that particularly people over the age of 70, not only is there no benefit in terms of just primary prevention, trying to prevent a cardiac event by giving them aspirin, that there can be hazard.and the hazard can be bleeding. significant bleeding. so here’s the interesting thing about this. the president is apparently is taking 325 milligrams of aspirin per day, which is essentially one adult size aspirin tablet. but the dosage that we use for patients, even with documented chronic artery disease, is a quarter that. 81 milligrams per day. so why is the president taking an unorthodox dose of aspirin? the media has published many photos of his right hand, and now maybe his left hand, with his chronic bruise, and the White House has said that this is related to chronic aspirin therapy. so if you’re bruising a lot, and your doctor says you’re on too much aspirin, why wouldn’t you go down to a lower dose?”
ooh ooh! I know the answer to the doctor’s question: it’s because Donny’s a fucking imbecile who is serenely convinced of his own imaginary genius. he know more about doctoring than all the doctors.
of course Donny isn’t going to take the recommended dosage (which isn’t even recommended any more). small pills are for losers. real men chow down on the big-ass kind. so naturally Donny’s going to take the aspirin that goes up to eleven.
meanwhile, the White House is sticking to its ‘Donny’s fist is mangled because he shakes a lot of hands’ fairy tale — but even Donny’s own toadies know that’s a load of shit.
His physical signs of aging are becoming more evident to some of his closest advisers. His skin is so delicate that Pam Bondi, now his attorney general, caused his hand to bleed when she nicked him with her ring while giving him a high-five at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.
in fact, Donny’s left hand recently appeared to have a hole in it.
so, who is Donny shaking hands with that he’s ended up with punctures on the back of his hand? Wolverine?
Trump said he applies makeup to his hands after he gets “whacked again by someone.” He added: “I have makeup that’s, you know, easy to put on, takes about 10 seconds.”
if it takes Donny ‘ten seconds’ to cover his hand, I wonder how many seconds it takes him to spackle his face.
I’m guessing five.
obviously, we’re being lied to. no one is shaking Donny’s hand to the point where the fucking thing looks like someone slammed it in a car door. Donny has clearly been repeatedly receiving intravenous fluids for kind of ailment that they’re hiding from the public. it’s an insult to our intelligence for the White House to insist otherwise.
hey, here’s something else we’ve been getting wrong about Donny. he’s not a narcoleptic fart factory who chronically saws logs in public. he’s just relaxing his eyes.
“I’ll just close. It’s very relaxing to me,” he said in describing shutting his eyes. “Sometimes they’ll take a picture of me blinking, blinking, and they’ll catch me with the blink.”
you know, like he relaxed his eyes at the Pope’s funeral.
who among us hasn’t momentarily relaxed their eyes to the point where their mouth falls open and their entire body goes slack?
oh look, Donny and the White House are once again lying to us about every fucking thing.
when is an MRI not and MRI? apparently when it’s a CT scan, that’s when.
He has for weeks said that he underwent an MRI at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in October. When asked about the procedure by the Journal, Trump and his doctor said he got a different form of imaging: a CT scan. “It wasn’t an MRI,” Trump told the Journal. “It was less than that. It was a scan.”
Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, Trump’s doctor, confirmed in a statement to the Journal that Trump had received a CT scan.
what in the actual fuck? after weeks of Donny and his flunkies telling us that he got an MRI, now it’s a CT scan? and even the doctor who released that farcical ‘summary’ about Donny’s MRI is now on board that it was a CT scan?
do you think maybe Dr. Barbabella could go on record and explain to us why, if we were all mistaken about which procedure Donny underwent, he didn’t correct us, y’know, two fucking months ago?
The White House declined to make Barbabella available for an interview.
oh. huh.
we’re either being lied to now, or were lied to then. I’m not sure which is the better scenario.
for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.
I’m sorry, but this guy is not well.
look, Donny is suffering from a lot of shit. he is clearly not up to the rigors of presidenting. he disappears from public for days at a time, without explanation. he’s tired. he’s confused. his memory is shot. he can’t tell fact from fiction. he’s hard of hearing. his hands are rotting and his cankles look like they’re about to explode.
that’s a whole lot of pathologies. let’s put them all together and call it fuckbrainscabosis.
We the People have a right to know what’s going on. Dear Leader’s handlers need to stop jerking us around, and release Donny’s complete medical records. tell us why he got an MRI, or CT scan, or whatever the fuck we’re calling it today. and how about explaining to us once and for all how his shot-to-pieces ear magically regenerated itself.
and — as long as we’re calling for releasing stuff — let’s go. Dead Pedo Bestie Files. snap it up already.
Zohran Mamdani was sworn into office yesterday as Mayor of New York — and here’s one of the very first things he did: he issued an executive order shitcanning a metric fuckload of previous mayor Eric Adams’ executive orders.
“He has wiped off the books EVERY Eric Adams executive order issued on or after September 26, 2024, the day Adams was indicted on federal bribery charges.”
this is how it’s done — and I certainly hope that the next Democratic president is paying close attention.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
The Year In Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 3)
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
September 8: I meant to do that
folks, if you’re MAGA, and you’re determined to mace the shit out of protestors who showed up to an anti-ICE demonstration, it helps to know which end of the doohickey the spray comes out of.
spoiler alert: yup, she maced herself — and not in the performative Nancy-Mace-beclowning-herself-in-front-of-a-unisex-bathroom way.
she did it in the very, very bad oh-my-god-my-eyes-my-eyes way.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, UNKNOWN MAGA DIPSHIT.
you helped our post get off to a great start. ten out of ten. no notes.
September 15: peak Kirk
in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.
folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.
Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”
I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.
but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.
nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.
it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.
by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.
September 18: I never forget a face
it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.
that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”
Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —
and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.
so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?
remember, you’re under oath.
October 1: give that skateboard the Nobel Peace Prize
this was one of the shittiest years ever, so let’s just enjoy Fox News’ own dunk-tank clown, Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, flipping a skateboard into his own nuts, on live TV.
oy my god, that sure looks like it hurt like fuck — so let’s savor the moment, and gif that shit for all eternity.
chef’s kiss! let’s zoom in.
suck it up, Warrior Boy.
and mad props to the kid behind Kegstand, who absolutely could not give one shit that the Secretary of Self-Owns just neutered himself.
October 10: the sounds of silence
now let’s enjoy six-hundred-and-forty-nine-year-old Chuck Grassley forgetting how electricity works.
[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”
I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.
I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.
October 20: hey Donny, I can see the Epstein Ballroom from up here
oh, how cuuuuute! someone strapped Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts into the child seat of a fighter jet, and took him for a joyride.
let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: Pete Kegstand was a passenger. no way was he flying the plane — not with his blood-alcohol level.
of course, the Department of Defense went out of their way to crop that video in a way that implied Piss-Drunk Pete was piloting that jet — because that’s what you do when your SecDef is a banty rooster with a paper-thin ego in need of constant affirmation that he’s something other than a two-bit Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown.
Bob Clendenin, can you please explain to the nice people why no one with a functioning brain should be impressed by this ridiculous public relations stunt?
sure, but you know doesn’t have a functioning brain? MAGA, that’s who. those dumbfucks immediately started punching the air and going ‘Kegstand, fuck yeah!’
Community Notes, could you please explain to MAGA what they’re too dim to grasp on their own?
coolest SecDef ever? absolutely not. drunkest, maybe.
October 29: blessed are the joyless scolds
here’s a grand October tradition: Christian evangelicals shitting all over Halloween.
Amanda Grace: “so, I want to speak to these people that want to take part in these ceremonies today. that want to take part in horrific wickedness today. you are nothing more than a slave to Satan and his kingdom. he hates you, he cannot stand you, because whether you like it or not, you’re made in the image of God. and you are just a means to his end. you are a slave to his exploits. you are in bondage to do his bidding.”
lighten the fuck up, Francis.
holy shit, lady. I just wanted to dole out some candy to kids.
I’m pretty sure Satan has more important stuff on his plate right now, what with an entire White House to run.
seriously, could evangelicals please shut the fuck up already and let the rest of us have our fun? it’s not our fault that you can’t find joy in anything, so stop shitting all over ours.
November 13: first they came for whatever the fuck this is
Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.
Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.
Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”
Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”
spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.
I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’
this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.
November 20: as what’s-his-face is my witness
holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.
“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”
I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’
hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
November 26: u wanna b what?
folks, please meet the Department of Homeland Security’s acting chief security officer, Iwona B. Horyn.
yes, that’s really her name.
she’s right there on the DHS web site.
and please, let’s not mock Iwona for it. she didn’t choose her name, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s already endured a lifetime of teasing.
but there is one thing I’d like to ask Ms. Horyn’s parents.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
why didn’t the person filling out the birth certificate snatch the baby out of Mother Horyn’s hands and say ‘you can have her back when you come to your senses.’
we don’t know how Iwona feels about any of this. she’s not saying. neither is her husband, Hugh G. Rection.
December 2: blessed are the gullible
podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’
but Joe’s not above making his own nonsensical high-as-fuckpronouncements.
“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”
I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’
this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.
as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.
December 22: always be grifting
we should check in with Erika Kirk, the widow of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. she’s been though some shit lately. what’s that, Erika? you’ve got a ‘holiday season message’ for us?
“HOLIDAY MESSAGE: @MrsErikaKirk shares her — and what would have been Charlie’s — holiday season message: ‘Just rest…Love on your babies. Love on your family members. Life is short.’ Find Charlie Kirk’s final work, ‘Stop, in the Name of God,’ at http://45Books.com.”
hang on, did Erika actually end that message with a book plug? oh yes, she fucking well did!
so, apparently, the five stages of MAGA grief are denial, anger, podcasting, publicly making out with JD Vance, and selling merch.
just in case Erika Kirk profiting off her husband’s murder doesn’t creep you out enough, here’s another fun thing the Garden Gnomists™ have done.
yup, they’ve recreated the tent where the misshapen gnome was assassinated — and the cultists are all invited to take selfies in it. how fucktacularly ghoulish is that?
you know where they got this brilliant idea to fetishize tragedy, don’t you? from Dear Leader, who has turned an entire wall at the White House into a shrine to his Miracle Ear Nicking.
who the fuck does that?
that puts a wrap on 2025, folks. have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve!
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
The Year in Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 2)
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
May 1: come again?
the world’s most tiresome assholes got another chance to completely lose their shit when James Fucking Comey instagrammed (and then deleted) a photo of seashells spelling out “86 47.”
but let’s leave the whole ridiculous “what could 86 possibly mean” manufactrovery aside for now, and focus instead on the aromatic mouth-farts of the rake-steppingist fuckwit in Congress — because James Comer Fudd knows exactly what the deal is.
“nothing would surprise me at all if that was intentional and they were trying to jizz up some type of coup.”
Christ on a cupcake, Comer Fudd, the expression is “gin up.” and how many coups do you know of that started with seashells? now stop trying to jizz up controversy and go home. we just started this post and we’re already fucking exhausted.
May 7: all genders, no brains
Nancy Mace — America’s self-appointed panty inspector — has a fetish. can you guess what it is?
that’s right, Nancy Mace is way too into posing in front of bathroom doors. and nothing makes Nance happier than finding — the horror! — an all genderbathroom, as happened this week during a visit to Austin.
oh my god. break out the smelling salts and help Nancy to the fainting couch — it’s the fucking fall of western civilization.
has this attention-starved busybody never been on an airplane? those are all-gender bathrooms. has Nancy Mace never been inside her own house?
oh, and that sign that Nancy is so horrified by —
that’s the ADA-mandated sign you see outside every handicapped bathroom. they’re literally everywhere and there’s nothing controversial about them. only one person uses them at a time.
Nancy knows this. she’s just being a performative-nonsense asshole and playing to the cheap seats.
find a new hobby, you creepy weirdo.
May 26: sticker shock
folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.
here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.
oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?
no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.
oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.
of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.
so there was no damage?
well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?
sorry. tell me what happened next.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —
— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.
wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.
yeah, that’s pretty much it.
I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.
June 13: on the where?
let’s check in with the Secretary of the Army, Dan Driscoll. apparently he’s got some stunning news he can’t wait to share.
“we talked to an astronaut yesterday who’s on the moon, who’s a soldier.”
obviously, Dipshit Dan meant to say ‘international space station’ — but overcome by his boyish excitement over being on TV, he completely shanked it.
end of story, right?
wrong. Danny’s slip of the tongue caused the dumbest fuckwads on the planet — the I Did My Own Research crowd on Elon’s Nazi Bar — to orgasm on the spot.
“Interesting. It has been understood that we’ve had a presence there for a very very long time.”
a very long time? really? so, why haven’t we heard anything about this before now?
“Because they hid things from us.”
I mean, obviously — and that’s not all they’re hiding from us.
“If you go on Rumble, pull up Super Soldier Talk. We have soldiers on Mars. Fascinating stuff on there!! You have to use portals to get there. Look for JP & I can’t remember a guy named James last name. Women too! Unreal what they go through & time travel involved too.”
portals and time travel and bears, oh my!
I have no clue what’s going on with this next not-tweet. my batshit-to-english translator is on the fritz.
“so we know the enemy has control of the airways. Where do the airways come from?”
it’s a totes legit question: where do the airways come from? I’m guessing the air.
now let’s hear from the lone dissenting voice in the whole comment thread below that clip on not-twitter.
“There aren’t. We’ve never been to the moon.”
that’s it. I quit.
June 23: useless tool discovers useful tool
let’s all gaze in awe as a prehistoric hominid learns to use a simple tool.
whoops! sorry, wrong footage! here we go:
tell me, who had the bright idea to make Marjorie Three Toes Greene chairperson of anything, and put a gavel in her hand? because nobody could have predicted that this ninny would immediately become intoxicated with power and make a noisy fucking fool of herself.
can someone get this spork-footed freak of nature a bag of walnuts, so she can at least do something useful while she bangs away like a two-year-old?
July 4: read the room, asshole
what. the. fuck. is. this.
is there a gas leak in the Tapper household? there’s really no other rational explanation for this Hall-of-Fame-level tone-deaffery.
I’m going to let Threads user Toby Morton do my work for me here, because I could not have said it any better than this.
Reason #47 why jaketapper is a piece of shit: He looked at a collapsing democracy, women losing rights, climate hell, people being kidnapped off the streets, and thought: “You know what this moment needs? A cartoon Uncle Sam on a surfboard, high-fiving an eagle with a burger and Jack Daniels.”
Jake Tapper: The human equivalent of a sparkler. Briefly impressive to toddlers, completely useless in a crisis.
by the way, the comments under Tapper’s post are priceless.
where is the lie?
and because a meme is worth a thousand words, let me leave you with this.
July 10: runnin’ with the devil
let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”
wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?
excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call
yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.
July 22: cloudy with a chance of dumbfuck
what happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial, but evidently the covid pandemic completely clownfucked her brain, because now she’s a full-bore conspiracy loon.
not only does Naomi find the evil machinations of the Deep State lurking around every corner — she seems completely befuddled by the sky.
“I don’t even know what this is, Salem MA”
ooh! ooh! ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!
oh wait, the entire internet got there before me.
now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter —
— because the entire internet also showed up to mock the shit out of Naomi’s dumb-as-fuck tweet.
undaunted, Naomi’s back for more.
ok, I confess, Naomi. this is what clouds look like when the Jewish Space Lasers are scanning the Earth in search of fuckwit conspiracy loons to torment.
don’t mess with us.
July 28: tle’s erdi!
you remember Mike Collins. he’s the MAGAfied rage-muppet who got elected to Georgia’s 10th district in 2022 on the strength of a campaign ad wherein he treats a voting machine the way Kristi Noem treats a frisky puppy. Mike AR-15’d the shit out of that machine to prove that ‘Dear Leader actually won in 2020,’ or some such ludicrous fever-swamp bullshit.
well, the King Of All Dumb-Ass Ads is back — and now he’s running for Senate.
I’m not going to bother to show you the entire ad Mike’s brain trust cooked up to announce his candidacy, because seriously, it’s 37 seconds of who gives a shit. it’s just a bunch of nonsensical MAGA mumbo jumbo.
instead, let’s just sit back and enjoy the ad’s final five seconds.
“Georiga.” Christ on a crepe suzette, how on earth did you imbeciles manage to fuck up the spelling of your own state?
August 7: the continuing adventures of Dildo J. Trump Jr.
oh look, the worst fucking people in the world have found a new way to call attention to their dumb-ass shitwaddery. they’re throwing green dildos onto the court during WNBA games. no, really.
why are they doing this? who knows? do the worst fucking people in the world really need a reason to do any of the stupid misogynistic bullshit they get themselves up to?
all you need to know is that no hateful bid for attention is complete until Cokey McSniffles Jr. gets involved.
oh look, Cokey’s abusive father is throwing a green dildo from the roof of the White House down onto where a women’s basketball game is taking place. I guess it’s on the that parking-lot abomination where the Rose Garden used to be?
don’t ask me, I’m not the janky AI that generated it.
give it up, Junior. your father is never going to love you, no matter how many stupid-ass memes you post.
August 21: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.
Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.
we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.
also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.
slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.
August 25: mitochondria is skin deep
you could livestream Bobby Brainworms’ entire life and call it Every Fucking Second In Stupid, because when it comes to the whale-head-chainsawing crackpot currently Making Polio Great Again, the batshittery never, ever ends.
but this week, researchers at the Centers for Dumbfuck Control were able to document the moment of Peak Brainworms Stupid, because — oh, joy of joys! — he’s learned a new word.
“I’m looking at kids as I walk through the airports today … and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, inflammation — you can tell from their faces, movements, and lack of social connection.”
oh, how awesome. Bobby Brainworms has mitochondria-ray vision — and while he’s hurrying through Terminal B, trying to catch his connecting flight to Cloud Cuckoo Land, he’s peering through the skulls of every passing child, magically diagnosing all the pernicious shit going on in there.
and you thought kidnapping a dead bear cub and dumping it in Central Park was weird.
as Jesus wisely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.’
he also said, blessed are the foreign press, for they will say the things that our own worthless scribblers are afraid to.
and lastly, above all, blessed are the scientists, because — unlike Whale-Chainsawin’ Bobby — they actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.
“Scientist here. Mitochondria do not present challenges to faces, movements, or social connections. Maybe those kids just don’t like you because you’re staring at them like a creep who wants to give them measles.”
’nuff said.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
The Year in Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 1)
As if we needed any reminder of how horrible this year has been…
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
January 8: y-m-c-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
here’s a MAGA moron who could teach a master class in how not to drive. in fact, schools should show this clip in driver’s ed classes — as a cautionary tale. just check out this extensive list of don’ts.
— don’t drive recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t hold your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t sing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— and, for fuck’s sake, don’t announce that “God has cleared a path for us today” JUST BEFORE YOU CRASH YOUR CAR because you were singing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— lastly, don’t post your dumb-assery to social media, unless you get off on being mercilessly mocked by the entire world.
know what? I think Mr. Retribution himself, God, zapped this fucker for being a dipshit.
January 20: the what now?
banning TikTok was bad enough, but now these puritanical fucksnoots have gone way too far.
January 27: we don’t need no edumacation
America, meet your new dumbed-down-as-fuckWhite House Press Corps. Donny’s press office has been doling out credentials to various wingnut noise machine randos — people like Natalie Winters, the co-host of one-man leper colony Steve Bannon’s War Room podcast. that’s right, Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts now has eyes and ears in the White House press room.
look how proud Natalie is to show up for her first day of work.
notice anything weird about that tweet? maybe Natalie’s creative spelling of the word correspondent?
typos are not necessarily stupid. we all make them, all the time. what’s totally fucking stupid is not deleting that tweet and posting a correction. five days later, it’s still in her feed. journamolism at its finest.
February 20: punctuation, how does it work?
a picture is worth a thousand words, so feast your eyes on a bunch of grown-ass men wearing jackets bearing the words “Born to Ride Donald J. Trump.”
who wants to tell them?
February 21: instant karma’s gonna get you
it’s been a shitty week, so let’s just sit back and enjoy pardoned Proud Boy Enrique Tarrio smacking the phone out of some woman’s hand and then immediately getting arrested for assault, handcuffed and carted away.
as the assaulted woman puts it,
“you don’t get to just put your hands on people. you don’t get to come here and do whatever the fuck you want. you just assaulted me, and now you’re getting arrested. good fucking job, you idiot. you pathetic piece of shit.”
she’s right, isn’t she, John Lennon?
February 27: nice try
Alexa, can grinding your jaw be a sign that you’ve hoovered way too much coke?
Cocaine jaw, also known as “coke jaw,” is a common side effect of cocaine use. It refers to the uncontrollable grinding of teeth and repetitive clenching of the jaw often observed in individuals who misuse cocaine.
oh gee.
Alexa, can putting your hand not quite to your mouth and then pretending you’re chewing on something be an effective way of masking that you’re coked to the fucking gills?
I’m going to go with no.
March 6: the flight of the Enola Homosexual
gather ’round, children, Uncle Jeff is going to read you the story of Enola, the Very Gay Airplane. it goes like this:
once upon a time, there was this ahem alleged sexual-assaulting christofascist named Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand.
Pete was the Big Boss of the United States military. now, Pete loved the military and he loved men — but not all men. Pete only loved the manliest of men. he hated any man who wasn’t among the manliest of manly men.
now, Pete was very afraid that if his manly army of the very manliest manly men accidentally caught a glimpse of the wrong sort of word — for instance, a word like ‘gay’ — they might go a little funny in the head, and get bad ideas. and so Pete directed his military to remove all the wrong sorts of words from their files.
and that’s how the US military ended up removing photos of the Enola Gay — the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan — from its archives.
look, you imbeciles: the Enola Gay wasn’t called that because it was a boy plane that was really into other boy planes. the plane was named after Enola Gay Tibbets — the mother of Col. Paul Tibbets, its pilot.
I suppose if dear old Enola wanted a plane named after her, she should have had the decency to be named Enola Incredibly Straight Tibbets.
March 14: who would Jesus date?
christofascist pastor Joel Webbon finds himself in a bit of a sticky wicket. you see, he was hoping to sell tickets to a Christian singles event, and it seems that he’s now having to give them away for free, because … well, let’s let Joel explain.
“…completely free, and also the admission cost to the singles event. we are hoping to fill up our singles event, and finding godly Christian single women has been, well, I’ll just say, much more difficult than finding godly Christian single men.”
now comes the part where we throw back our heads in laughter.
no one could have predicted this. really weird how a bunch of unpleasant misogynistic god-botherers can’t find any women who want to attend their Incelpalooza.
hey, Pastor Joel — I’m playing gospel hits for you, on the world’s tiniest violin.
April 3: how obsequious is this?
here’s what happens when you take Graham Allen, a rando MAGA podcaster, and give him a job as the Department of Defense’s ‘digital media director’:
“How AMAZING is this?!? President Trump just stepped off Marine One and got into a golf cart at the LIV Golf League tournament.”
Graham, I’ve got North Korean State TV on the phone. they’re saying to tone it down, your praise of Dear Leader is waaaaaaay too over the top.
but please, riddle me this: what the fuck is so amazing? is it that Donny didn’t waddle about with toilet paper stuck to his shoe? (October 4, 2018)
is it that a furious Slovenian rent-a-wife didn’t jump into the cart in before Donny could, and make him take the next one? (January 20, 2024)
is it that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants didn’t get lost on his way to the cart, and have to be guided back to it by a secret service agent? (July 6, 2017)
or is it just amazing that this dilapidated old toad —
— was able to walk twenty feet without his heart exploding?
opinion among the commenters under that not-tweet, by the way, was split between ‘yes, this is amazing’and ‘Dear Leader isn’t being fascist enough.’
April 15: oopsies!
Donny Convict’s presidential activities can be sorted into two categories: the Fucking Up Of Shit and the Standing Next To Of Athletes. Donny loves to stand next to sports dudes. anyone who wins anything, they get invited to the White House so that weak and insecure Donny can preen with them and pretend that he’s a winner, too.
on April 15, Donny must have been too busy with the Fucking Up Of Shit part of his job, because he outsourced the Standing Next To Of Athletes business to his veep.
did hilarity ensue? it sure as fuck did — because Couchfuck McGee fumbled that shit on live TV.
oh my god, JD — you had ONE JOB: picking up a championship trophy and handing it off to members of the Ohio State Buckeyes. but you couldn’t manage it without breaking the trophy in two and letting it fall from your stubby mitts.
why do they keep letting this doughy pantload out in public? is there one time when he hasn’t screwed the pooch?
hey, let’s gif that shit, for posterity’s sake — and let’s slow it way the fuck down, and wring every drop of stupid from it.
if that’s not a metaphor for Donny’s entire presidency, I don’t know what is.
April 24: go forth and multipl— never mind
America’s christofascist dipshits have been working overtime to convince the nation’s ahem white women to boom out as many ahem white babies as possible. they’re throwing everything at the wall, just to see what sticks. let’s pay them five large to get themselves knocked up. no, wait — let’s give them medals for having six or more kids. (I’m not making this up!)
but of course, no national program to get ahem whitewomen to start fuckin’ with gusto would be complete without the distribution of ludicrous AI-generated slop.
you’ve got your godly marching orders, America’s ahem white women: get to work making sons — because apparently daughters are anathema to His Eye.
speaking of eyes, do yourself a huge favor — don’t zoom in on any of the faces.
also: what the fuck is going on behind the preggobabes? a bald eagle standing guard over a garden-gnome-sized Jesus wearing running shoes?
a brief note to whoever is responsible for this image: eagles are carrion birds. they eat dead things. is Mister Baldie here waiting for Microscopic Jesus to die, so he can chow down? is that really the message you’re intending to send to America’s fertile payload?
while we’re on the subject of horribly-rendered christofascist AI art, what prompt was input in order to come up with this abomination?
“AI, generate for me the dorkiest couple possible, and make sure the woman looks no older than twelve”?
and remember, guys: when Jesus comes to hook you up with your child bride, have your red baseball cap at the ready.
eww. these people are seriously sick.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.