the legal career of ace parking garage lawyer Alina Habba has been one fucktacular disaster after another.

she’s been lectured, berated and reprimanded by judges for being unaware of basic courtroom procedures. she did such a terrible job of defending Donny in court that he was found liable for rape, and fined 83.3 million dollars. and a lawsuit she filed on Donny’s behalf against Hillary Clinton was so patently frivolous that Alina wound up being sanctioned for a million dollars.

but it was on January 4, 2024, that Alina secured her spot in the Dumbfuck Hall of Fame. that was the day she appeared on the PBD podcast and shat out these legendary words:

“somebody said to me ‘Alina, would you rather be smart or pretty?’ and I said ‘oh easy, pretty. I can fake being smart’.”

fact check: oh please, fuck straight off. every day of her life, Alina proves she can’t fake being smart. nor can she fake humility, or competence. she can’t even fake being a lawyer.

now we’re learning that she can’t fake basic professionalism.

yesterday, Alina Habba resigned as Acting US Attorney for New Jersey — and she did it in the most MAGA way possible: by going onto Elon’s Nazi Bar and tweeting a pissy statement in which she rehashed every grudge and grievance.

have you noticed that everyone in Donny’s orbit is as petty and childish as he is? this is the lesson they all learn by watching Dear Leader, as he pisses and moans his way through life: that it’s perfectly okay to be a malignant diaper-baby who never stops whining about every fucking thing.

Alina is sooooo aggrieved. doesn’t the Third Circuit understand that Alina’s been fighting the good fight against lawfare for literal years and years? why is everyone being so mean to her? it’s so unfair!

none of this unprofessional twaddle belongs in a resignation letter. this is the kind of letter you write when you’ve been kicked off the high school cheerleading squad.

and this, by the way, is the face Alina makes when she demands to speak with the Third Circuit Court’s manager.

now, here’s the beauty part: the Acting US Attorney job that Habba ‘resigned’ is one she’d already been removed from months ago. that ruling was upheld last week by the Third Circuit.

so basically, since last August, the parking garage lawyer has been pretending to be an Acting US Attorney.

‘pretending to be acting’ — I can’t even believe I just typed that surreal string of words. welcome to life in the shittiest timeline ever.

now Alina has to go out and get a real job, for once. maybe she can learn to play the tiny violin.

here are two more homeys who can’t fake smart — Sean Duffy, the Secretary for Hoping Planes Don’t Fall Out Of The Sky, and Bobby Brainworms, the head of the Department Of Dying From A Preventable Disease.

these two ass-clowns have been putting their heads together, and they’ve come up with some awesome ideas for improving your airport experience.

“maybe I want a workout area where people might get some blood flowing doing some pull-ups or step-ups in the airport.”

oh yeah, I’m loving this idea. this is exactly what we need: a way for dumbfucks to get overheated and sweaty before they sit next to you on a crowded plane.

oh look, they brought an actual pull-up bar with them for the dog-and-pony show. let’s watch Bobby make a complete ass of himself.

what kind of weak-ass nonsense was that? oh come on, Bobby! those aren’t even real pull-ups. where is the effort? put some fucking muscle into it, dude.

we definitely have to gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

Brainworms and Duffy are overgrown and emotionally-stunted children.

it’s as if you took two eight-year-old boys, pumped them full of sugar, and set them loose making national policy.

‘you know what airports need? whale heads! when I grow up, I’m going to have a chainsaw! won’t that be awesome?’

now let’s watch Little Donny Fuckface finally win the Nobel Complete Piece of Shit Prize, as he once again insults and berates a reporter who is a woman of color.

a little background first. last week, reporter Selena Wang asked Donny if he would consider releasing the video that shows those two shipwrecked Venezuelans clinging to the wreckage of their boat, and getting murdered to death by the US military.

here was Donny’s exact answer: ‘I don’t know what they have, but whatever they have, we’d certainly release. No problem.’

got that? now here’s Donny being a complete fuckwad yesterday.

ABC reporter Rachel Scott: “Mr. President, you said you would have no problem with releasing the full video of that strike on September 2nd off the coast of Venezuela. Secretary Hegseth now says—”

Donny: “I didn’t say that. that’s— you said that, I didn’t say that. this is ABC fake news.”

fact check: yes, you did say that. here’s the link again, you doddering old shit-for-brains.

later on in the clip, Rachel Scott asks once again if Donny will release the full video. here’s the Mad King’s charming response.

“didn’t I just tell you that? you are the most obnoxious reporter in the whole place. let me just tell you— you are an obnoxious— a terrible, actually a terrible reporter. and it’s always the same thing with you. I told you.”

you’ll be shocked to learn that Rachel Scott is a woman of color.

and you’ll be shocked to learn that not one of Rachel’s colleagues spoke up in her defense. they all just stood there like the useless lumps they are.

in the last month alone, Donny has insulted seven reporters — all of them women.

why is it always the women who have the courage to ask Donny the uncomfortable questions? what the fuck is wrong with you men? stand up for your profession. stand up for your colleagues.

this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 2,079th day.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

‘congratulations, world.’

that’s an actual quote from some White House chucklefuck — and she wasn’t being sarcastic. oh no, not at all. we’re apparently all supposed to genuflect in gratitude over Dear Leader’s latest exercise in fragile megalomania.

on Wednesday, out of the clear blue, workers showed up at the US Institute of Peace building in Washington DC, and slapped Donny Convict’s name on it.

how awesome. Preznit Fuckwit has defiled yet another of our public institutions. try not to projectile vomit as you look on in horror.

congratulations, us. we’re so fucking lucky.

of course, Donny inflicting his accursed name onto everything and glomming credit for shit he didn’t do is pretty much his entire business model — but this instance of it is so fucking galling on about eighteen thousand different levels.

first of all, this ghoulish hyena’s name would be more appropriate on a building that houses the US Institute For Bombing The Shit Out Of Shipwrecked Survivors Who Are Trying Not To Drown.

what kind of ‘war is peace’ bullshit is this?

wherever he is right now, George Orwell is ripping fistfuls of hair out of his head and screaming ‘god fucking dammit, 1984 was supposed to be a cautionary tale, not an instruction manual.’

secondly, what Donny just slapped his brand on is a pretty much empty building. the US Institute of Peace is barely even a thing right now, thanks to the Space Nazi. one fine day last March, his merry band of unfuckable DOGE incels showed up at the Peace Institute and announced, ‘congratulations, everyone — you’re all fired.’ next came the inevitable lawsuits over the firings.the whole thing is tied up in court right now, while the building is a ghost town.

can Donny even legally fart his name onto any public building he chooses? probably not, but stupid little issues of legality didn’t stop him from demolishing the East Wing. welcome to life in the shittiest timeline ever.

congratulations, us!

thirdly, this is what Donny is wasting his time on, as the prices of goods and services go up, and the cost of healthcare skyrockets. any caring leader might spend some time trying to fix any of that shit — but this asshole can’t be bothered to lift a finger.

so there goes Donny, traipsing through DC, pissing all over yet another public institution — and then telling us how lucky we are.

White House spokesperson Anna Kelly confirmed the move, calling it “beautifully and aptly named,” and saying it “will stand as a powerful reminder of what strong leadership can accomplish for global stability.”

“Congratulations, world!” she said.

our next president is going to be able to create an entire jobs program devoted to prying this fucker’s name off of everything. it can’t come fast enough.

but oh wait, it gets stupider.

FIFA — the sports org that oversees the World Cup — has invented a fake peace prize. and you’ll never guess who they’re awarding it to.

Not long after President Trump missed out on the Nobel Peace Prize that he openly campaigned for, his friend Gianni Infantino got to work.

Mr. Infantino, president of FIFA, soccer’s global governing body, who had publicly lobbied for Mr. Trump to receive the peace prize, simply had his organization establish its own. The announcement of the “FIFA Peace Prize — Football Unites the World” was so hastily arranged that it surprised several of the body’s most senior officials, including board members and vice presidents, according to four soccer executives briefed on the events.

oh my god, it’s just one embarrassing episode after another, isn’t it? healthy, well-balanced people don’t need to be mollified by having ersatz awards conferred on them by dipshits trying to curry favor. and Preznit Fuckwit is falling for it. he’s over the moon to be handed this sham honor.

A White House spokesman, Davis Ingle, said that Mr. Trump was “excited to attend” the draw.

what the fuck is next? the Big Mac Peace Prize? there’s probably no end to corporate institutions willing to play this game. can we get the Quaker Oats people come up with a prize? at least Quakers actually believe in peace — unlike some footballers we could name.

can you think of another country whose fragile Dear Leader needs constant affirmation that he’s a good boy. a very good boy. maybe the best boy ever? perhaps North Korea. oh great, we’re now on par with Kim Jong-un’s failed state.

congratulations, us.

there’s no word on what this award is going to look like, but I hope it’s a big gold-plated binky.

can you think of another country whose fragile Dear Leader needs constant affirmation that he’s a good boy. a very good boy. maybe the best boy ever? perhaps North Korea. oh great, we’re now on par with Kim Jong-un’s failed state.

congratulations, us.

there’s no word on what this award is going to look like, but I hope it’s a big gold-plated binky.

now get ready to win the Nobel I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little Award, because — congratulations, world! — this year’s White House Christmas card just dropped.

look, I warned you.

seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? it’s a cult — one in which every single member has unresolved daddy issues.

but we need to fact-check Dear Leader’s suspiciously healthy hand in that graphic, because Donny’s real-life hand — in a photo taken yesterday — is telling a much uglier story.

yeesh. oh my god. look at that bloated, decaying thing, like the hand of a corpse that was just pulled out of a polluted lake. and now Donny’s wearing what looks like two band-aids. concealing what, pray tell?

what are they not telling us about Dear Leader’s health?

we definitely need a palate cleanser after that, so here’s your hero of the day, bicycling his way past what I believe is the Treasury Building in Washington, DC.

I have no idea who this dude is — the vid was posted to not-twitter by our friend Anarchy Princess — but I do like his style.

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

now there’s a positive affirmation we can all get behind.

congratulations, Donny.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

tell me, is it a bad thing when the leader of your party is a drooling halfwit serenely convinced of his own brilliance?

is it a bad thing when the leader of your party lives inside his own fact-free fantasy-bubble where everything is amazing, and ignores all evidence to the contrary?

and is it a bad thing when the leader of your party cannot be persuaded to give the tiniest of micro-fucks for the needs of your constituents?

pour one out for the Republican Party, folks, because they’re now finding out the hard way that the answer to all three questions is ‘oh fuck, it’s a catastrophe.’

CNN’s Harry Enten: “Republicans should be running for the hills this morning, because the blue wave is building. what are we talking about here? well, Matt Van Epps, the Republican candidate, he won it by 9 — but this is a district that Donald Trump won by 22 points. this is a 13-point gain for the Democrats in terms of the margins, and excuse time for Republicans is over. because I hear all about these special elections. ‘oh, the turnout’s so low, it’s not representative of what would happen in a midterm election.’ the turnout last night in Tennessee’s 7th district was equal to the turnout in the 2022 midterm election. so the blue wave seems to be building right out of the center of Tennessee.”

Tuesday’s special election in Tennessee was a five-alarm disaster for the GOP. oh, sure, their boy won — but it was a nail-biter, in a heavily-gerrymandered distract that should have been an electoral cakewalk. if Republicans can’t turn that shit around, pronto, they’re facing a wipe-out in next year’s midterms — and they fucking well know it.

with that in mind, they want Donny to stop farting around. put down the fabric samples for the gaudy dance hall, stop tarting up the Oval Bordello, stop making cow-eyes at the Nobel Peace Prize, and focus on what really matters to the American people.

it’s the economy, fuckwit.

Some of President Donald Trump’s closest allies in Congress are warning that the party needs to sharpen its affordability message to voters heading into the 2026 elections — or risk big losses that would shackle him for the rest of his second term.

good luck with that. if Republicans think they’re going to get Dear Leader to hone his ‘affordability message,’ I’m afraid I’ve got some rather bad news for them.

“the word ‘affordability’ is a Democrat scam.”

how’s that, GOP? it that ‘honed’ enough for you?

I hate to break it to Republicans, but the Mad King thinks he’s already fixed that shit. the delusional dumbfuck imagines that the economy is roaring along — and if you think otherwise, it’s because you’ve fallen for a ‘Democrat scam.’

the problem for Republicans is that Dear Leader can’t bullshit his way out of a bad economy. it’s easy to bamboozle MAGA into believing that he’s ended a skillionty wars. that shit’s abstract. it’s easy to post some blurry video of a boat on fire, and convince his dumbfuck worshipers that he’s winning some farcical war on ‘narcoterrorism.’ that’s happening thousands of miles away.

but the price of goods and services? that’s something even the hardest-core cultist can see with their own eyes.

as Abe Lincoln famously said, ‘you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool anyone who walks into a grocery store and actually sees what things cost into believing that prices are going down.’

and that is why Matt Van Epps came this close to getting his ass handed to him in Tennessee’s no-longer-solidly-red 7th District.

Republicans think they can solve this shit by getting Dear Leader back out on the campaign trail.

“I would love him to get back to driving around in the garbage truck, going to McDonald’s. Go to a supermarket, go to a farm. That’s when he’s at his best,” Rep. Jeff Van Drew told CNN, recalling a message he conveyed to the president in a lengthy phone call earlier this week. “Next year, we got to concentrate — the American people first.”

oh yeah, please get Preznit Fuckwit up on a garbage truck again.

I would pay good money to watch that.

remember what happened last time Donny tried to climb into a truck? he almost killed himself.

his rotting hand refused to function, and his gimpy leg almost collapsed — and that was over a year ago. Donny’s in much worse shape now. he’s lucky he can even get out of bed in the morning. it’s a miracle that the narcoleptic old fuck doesn’t go face down in his lunch on a daily basis.

sorry, Republicans, that ‘Donny’s a man of the people’ shit ain’t happening any more. Donny’s too old — and too deteriorated — to go out in public. he’s tired, and can no longer hack the grind.

he’d rather just hang out at his vermin-infested golf motel and hobnob with cronies.

It has been many months since Trump hosted a full-on campaign-style rally. He has opted instead to travel abroad, golf at his private clubs, and dine with wealthy friends, business leaders, and major donors…. And that lack of regular voter contact has contributed to a growing fear among Republicans and White House allies: that Trump is too isolated, and has become out of touch with what the public wants from its president.

and therein lies the crux. Donny’s out of touch with reality, and he’s surrounded himself with equally out-of-touch cronies who tell him that everything is amazing — and why not? for Donny and his cronies, everything is amazing. not one of these obscenely wealthy fuckfaces ever worries about the price of anything. they don’t have to.

look at Soybean Scott Bessent.

s this the face of a man who gives a shit if the price of a bottle of Lafitte Rothschild ’75 goes up by two hundred dollars? trust me, he doesn’t even notice.

these are the people who are slapping Donny on the back and telling him he’s doing a great job.

meanwhile, the economy continues to crater.

Economists on Wednesday expressed significant concerns after new data from global payroll processing firm ADP estimated that the US economy lost 32,000 jobs last month.

to the Republicans who think Donny’s going to magically snap out of it and start ‘honing his message’ about ‘affordability,’ I say ‘sorry, peeps.’

Donny’s gonna do it his way. literally. yesterday, at 2pm, Donny was blasting Frank Sinatra’s My Way out of the windows of the White House.

here’s my message to Donny: shove your head in the sand, ignore reality, and keep imagining that the economy is going great guns. you do it your way, bro.

close your eyes tight enough, Donny, and you won’t even see the blue wave coming in 2026.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other

that he can’t ever have an appropriate human response to anything. you’d imagine that every now and then he’d stumble into decency by accident, but no. somehow, in every situation, he always manages to be the worst person possible.

look at this. Donny can’t even perform the simple ceremonial act of pardoning a turkey without being a ginormous piece of shit.

“instead of pardons, some of my more enthusiastic staffers were already drafting the paperwork to ship Gobble and Waddle straight to the Terrorist Confinement Center in El Salvador.”

HA HA HA HA HA, GET IT? Donny was going to send the turkeys to the same slave-labor torture-gulag into which he disappears innocent migrants. gross human rights violations are so fucking hilarious, am I right?

what kind of sick ghoul even thinks of such a thing to say?

also, ‘Gobble’ and ‘Waddle’? they named the turkeys after the way Donny eats and walks? do you think they intended to name them ‘Goebbels’ and ‘Wehrmacht’ but decided at the last minute it was too on-the-nose?

how dare this corrupt fuck even joke about granting pardons. he’s made a mockery of the whole process. he’s pardoned war criminals. he’s pardoned cop beaters. pedophiles. political cronies. business partners.

stuff a sock in it, Donny. after all that shit, no one’s impressed that you’re pardoning birds.

if Donny had any decency at all, he’d have hidden himself away in shame, and gotten Joe Biden’s autopen to pardon those turkeys. but silly me, for even imagining some farcical version of Donny that has the ability to feel shame.

no, Preznit Fuckwit has no shame — and so he’s out here making sick jokes about disappearing Goebbels and Wehrmacht into a Salvadoran torture prison.

and then he turned the whole thing into just another MAGA rally speech, where he praises himself for all his imaginary accomplishments, and takes gratuitous swipes at his political enemies.

“[JB Pritzger] is a big fat slob.”

fact check: shut the fuck up, Piggy. do you even own a mirror?

it was so fucking ludicrous — and so inappropriate — that even the lapdogs at the Washington Post couldn’t help but commit a journalism and point out the absurdity of it.

while that was going on, Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel’s FBI was busy harassing the six Democrats who committed the high crime of reminding our armed forces to obey the Constitution.

The FBI has requested interviews with six Democratic members of the U.S. Congress who in a video message told members of the military they can legally refuse to carry out unlawful orders, a Justice Department official told Reuters on Tuesday.

what a super-appropriate use of government resources, to send law enforcement to intimidate political opponents who had the temerity to annoy America’s Mad King.

these six Democrats committed no crime, and everyone knows it. this is pure authoritarian bullshit. Dear Leader wants us all to be too terrified to open our mouths in protest of his evil fuckery. yeah, well — here’s a free clue for you, Donny.

we’ve become the very thing we used to mock — a tinpot third-world autocracy being mismanaged into the ground by a dangerous lunatic.

lucky us.

look who Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, Secretary of Who Gives A Shit What He Calls It, is mad at today.

U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is planning for the military to sever all ties with Scouting America, saying the group once known as the Boy Scouts is no longer a meritocracy and has become an organization designed to “attack boy-friendly spaces,” according to documents reviewed by NPR.

apparently the Scouts have come down with a bad case of woke.

In a draft memo to Congress, which sources shared with NPR but which has not yet been sent, Hegseth criticizes Scouting for being “genderless” and for promoting diversity, equity and inclusion.

genderless! oh noes! someone wake up Nancy Mace.

Last year, as a Fox News host, he complained about the Scouts changing their name and admitting girls back in 2018.

what is Piss Drunk Pete afraid of here. the boys are going to get cooties?

His memo to the House and Senate Armed Services committees argues the Scouts have strayed from their mission to “cultivate masculine values.”

what are these ‘masculine values’ that SecDef Kegstand is so hot to have the Scouts ‘cultivate’? is it getting ahem allegedlyblackout drunk and then paying your victim to shut the fuck up about having ahem allegedly been assaulted?

tell me more about these ‘boy-friendly spaces.’ does Piss Drunk Pete imagine himself living inside a Little Rascals short, in which he’s a proud member of the He-Man Woman Haters Club?

maybe if Piss-Drunk Pete is so hot for ‘boys’ to have their own ‘spaces’ where they can learn ‘masculine values,’ maybe he should start his own club. a government-sponsored youth group, complete with its own uniform. a group where boys can learn to be loyal patriots, working to better their lives in service of Dear Leader.

I’m loving this idea.

of course, this new org is going to need a name. how about the Shitler Youth? those two pardoned turkeys, Goebbels and Wehrmacht, can be the official mascots.

or is that too on the nose?

where does Plastered Pete even find time for this penny-ante shit? he’s running an entire branch of the government. he’s responsible for millions of employees. there are only so many hours in the day.

but here he is, drafting memos about whatever stupid bug has wedged itself up his ass on any given day. way to focus on what’s important, you drunk-dialing national security nightmare.

seriously, Donny and all his henchmen are wrecking everything — from the big shit like geopolitical relationships, all the way down to tiny things like what the Scouts call themselves.

it’s all so fucking petty — and, as always, embarrassing.

other countries are laughing at us, when they’re not recoiling in horror.

when these shitsticks leave office, there are going to be so many broken pieces to glue back together. please don’t scream at the next Democratic president when they don’t have everything fixed after three months. it’s going to take years.

let’s go out on a high note. you may think you already know everything there is to know about Mark Kelly. he’s a veteran. a devoted husband. a patriot. a senator. an astronaut. hell, dude’s even worn a gorilla suit in space.

but here’s another thing you may not know about Mark Kelly: he’s a skateboard whiz.

I shit you not. here’s Mark back in 2022, at the Navajo Nation Parade. check out these moves.

look at Mark go! let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

now let’s compare and contrast.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: first they came for the boomers

uh oh. Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a solution to the housing crisis — and it’s a solution I find personally distressing.

“baby boomers will eventually pass away, and when they do, they will all do it at the same time, and then millions and millions of homes will become available like that.”

wait, we’re going to do what now? everyone born between 1946 and 1964is going to die at the same time?

fuck me, why am I just hearing about this now? apparently I’ve been left off that text chain. when is this great die-off supposed to happen? I’m hoping it’s not for at least four weeks. I’d like to finish watching Down Cemetery Road.

I don’t know why Jesse’s so smugly pleased about this. doesn’t he realize that once all the boomers drop dead, Fox’s ratings will drop to zero? who do you think is watching your tiresome show, Jesse?

careful what you wish for, shitkazoo.

tuesday: first they came for the books

this week, folks attempting to visit the public library in Smyrna, Tennessee were greeted by this distressing sign.

so, what was the emergency that required the whole building to be shuttered on such short notice? did the bathroom pipes burst? did the entire staff come down with food poisoning?

nope.

what happened is that some busybody found a book with a transgender character in it, and Tennessee’s Secretary of State freaked the fuck out and ordered libraries across the state to close immediately, so that librarians could “cull their children’s sections for gender-subversive content.”

I shit you not. here’s the entire sign that greeted the thwarted library-goers.

people, what the fuck are we even doing here?

wednesday: first they came for the Muslims

let’s watch as John Voight completes his transition from once-respected actor to batshit racist fuckhead.

“this city will turn into a forbidden place of darkness. the blood, sweat and tears that New York was built on will turn into a virtual refugee shelter for the radical Muslim ideology. this is now the most dangerous time for our citizens of New York. this mayor will destroy this city. we are obligated to demand our rights for our private sanctuary, our businesses, our property, that we all have worked so hard for. and this 35-year-old mayor as no right dictating the rules of socialism for a city built on our highest principles with brick and stone by hardworking Americans. this must be stopped and his mayoralty should be terminated immediately. and we the people have put our trust in the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. he — and only he — can stop this horror, as the Mayor Mamdani will try to destroy New York’s wealth and turn it into a socialist crap city.”

sorry, John — your all-powerful tribal warlord fell asleep in the middle of your overcooked rant.

tighten that shit up, bro. you can’t expect President Pudding Cup to stay awake for the entire minute and a half you flapped your gums.

look, dumb-asses, Zohran Mamdani is going to be your mayor. dry your eyes and cope — and stop calling on Donny to ‘do something’ to ‘stop this horror.’ Dear Leader can’t do shit. what are you expecting? that he’ll issue an executive order? fart out some nonsensical tweet where he thanks us for our attention to this matter?

let’s get real: Mamdani doesn’t have the power to do any of the shit MAGA is wetting their pants in fear of. he’s bound by the same laws and Constitution the rest of us are (excepting, of course, our Very-Special-Boy-in-Chief).

lighten the fuck up. I’m pretty sure free buses isn’t part of some plan to usher in Sharia Law. this isn’t some slippery-slope kind of thing, where one day there’s a government-run grocery store in Flatbush and the next, you’re forced to gay-marry Rick Santorum’s dog.

now, here’s a pro tip for you hypocritical fuckwads: if you’re all bent out of shape that the guy in charge of New York is a Muslim, but not that the guy in charge of Medicare and Medicaid is a Muslim, you’re racisting wrong.

thursday: first they came for whatever the fuck this is

Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.

Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.

Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”

Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”

spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.

I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’

this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

on Friday, some fucking idiot had no public appearances. no way did the fucking idiot want to face the press, and be peppered with uncomfortable questions about his dead pedo bestie.

but that doesn’t mean the fucking idiot didn’t have a busy day.

he announced Operation Change the Subject from Epstein.

he also announced Operation Look Over There, SQUIRREL! — because, you see, he doesn’t have a dead pedo bestie problem, it’s the Democrats that have a dead pedo bestie problem.

the fucking idiot blared the soundtrack from ‘Phantom of the Opera’ from inside the Oval Bordello at a volume that could be heard across the street. perfectly normal stuff.

was the fucking idiot trying to drown out the barking noises in his head?

don’t you hate it when you have a noisy neighbor and it’s the president of the United States?

the fucking idiot also kept himself busy on his crappy app. what even is this?

he quite batshittingly broke up with Madge Three Toes, because she wouldn’t stop pestering him about the Dead Pedo Bestie Files.

and we know it’s an official breakup, because he thanked us for our attention to this matter.

the fucking idiot announced that he would love to talk about his dead pedo bestie, but he can’t, because he “has a country to run!”

spoiler alert: here’s the fucking idiot, hard at work running ruining the country.

then it was time for the fucking idiot to fly down to Motel-a-Lago so he could spend the weekend cheating at golf.

while the fucking idiot was on Bordello Force One, he couldn’t avoid answering questions from the press.

“I had an MRI and the result was outstanding.”
reporter: “was it your brain?”
“I have no idea what they analyzed, but whatever they analyzed, they analyzed it well.”

they ‘analyzed it well,’ these big, strong doctors with tears in their eyes. I’ll bet they did.

now, just imagine that Joe Biden had gone for medical tests and, when asked what they were for, answered ‘fuck if I know.’

you know exactly what would have happened next: Jack Tapper would have orgasmed on the spot, and written fifteen books about it in one afternoon.

yet not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

ow fucking idiotic is that?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.