It’s taken me a while to realize and admit this, but I’m grateful to you.
I’ve spent a decade openly lamenting your presence and the poison it has so effortlessly released into our nation’s blood system.
Today, I find myself horrified at a second term that is doing even greater damage than I ever imagined it would. My heart has been hourly broken as I’ve watched our country imploding, our public discourse become polluted, our daily existence grow ever more corrosive, and I’ve wrongly assumed you were to blame.
Yet, I’ve come to understand that you haven’t manufactured our current national ugliness; you’ve simply revealed it and leveraged it.
By generating a limitless torrent of hateful, mean-spirited ignorance, you’ve given other like-minded people license to do the same. You’ve opened up the floodgates for their collective moral sewage to flow fully. People no longer hide their malevolence behind feigned politeness and phony civility; they now revel in it, they broadcast it, and they celebrate it.
You’ve made bigotry, misogyny, and racism socially acceptable again, and that has been a kind of twisted gift because it’s allowed me to really see people, not as they pretend to be on the surface, but in the very depths of their calloused hearts.
Over and over throughout the last decade, your supporters would always tell me that they liked you because you “speak your mind,” yet I realized a long time ago that it is because you speak their minds. You’ve given credence to their phobias, sanctioned their prejudices, and normalized their contempt for their neighbors.
Thanks to the terrible ground you’ve broken, politicians, pastors, friends, and strangers, both in person and on social media, now regularly out themselves as cruel, intolerant, and malicious. They remind me just how close they are to me, just how deep the sickness in us runs, and just how far a nation we have to go to become worthy of our songs and anthems.
You’ve emboldened people to be open about things they used to conceal for the sake of decorum, and though it turns my stomach, I know that this is the only way we can move forward; to have that cancerous stuff exposed fully so that it can be dealt with. Our progress as a nation is predicated on authentic dialogue, no matter how brutal and disheartening that dialogue is.
In other words, you’ve let us know what we’re really dealing with here and while it’s been rightly disturbing, it’s also been revelatory. That’s the thing about that kind of harsh light: you’re forced to see everything; beauty and monstrosity equally illuminated.
Now, please don’t misunderstand me: I think you are the most malignant President in our nation’s history, and I fear gravely for the world my children will inherit, should America survive your Presidency at all. I believe you’re a soulless, loveless, irredeemably hateful bottom-feeder; the very worst of what humanity has produced.
But regardless of what happens now, you’ve already allowed me the blessing of discovering the truth: about me, about my neighbors, about my friends and family members, and about our country.
And in the process, you’ve also shown me that I am not alone in resisting you and the sickening, grievous things you’ve revealed about us.
You’ve generated an equally loud, equally passionate response to it, and this is where I find my hope these days.
I find it in those for whom equality, freedom, and justice aren’t just cheap buzzwords or hollow sentiments; they are the most precious of hills to die on.
I find it in those people who refuse to be silent in the face of our moral regression.
I find it in those who are willing to be more bold in defending the inherent value of all people.
I find it in the growing army of those true patriots who will not tolerate hatred as a core American value.
I find it in human beings who fiercely reject white supremacy in every form.
I find it in those who reject violence as a default response to dissension.
I find it in the ever-rising voice of people who will not let your malice and bitterness represent them in the world.
I find it in the ordinary activists who will not allow us to repeat the worst of history here.
Today I find my hope in those who, like me, will not be complicit in allowing exclusion to become a source of national pride, who will not tolerate an America that is bereft of empathy and drained of diversity, because we’ve seen where that leads.
Yes, President Trump, you’ve unearthed our hidden afflictions, and you’ve paraded them unapologetically in the light of day.
You brought every awful thing about us out into the open so that we can face it without myth or misunderstanding.
You’ve shown me that America is greater than you and your sycophantic disciples’ plans for it, and that it is worth fighting for with everything I have.
“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”
it must be said that Anders Vistisen is not our friend.he’s as far-right as they come — and it is absolutely heartbreaking to have to note that it took a Nazi to speak bluntly to Dear Leader.
yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Donny’s second reign — so naturally, preening peacock held a victory lap, in the form of an excruciatingly long, incoherent shit-show of a press conference.
let’s gaze in awe as Donny encounters a tool for the first time, and learns to master it.
“here’s, uh, the book on— accomplishments. and this is something— woo, I’m glad my finger wasn’t in that sucker. [hold up binder clip] that could have done some damage, but you know what? I wouldn’t have shown the pain. I would have gone back. boy did you hear that? that was nasty. but I would not have shown the pain. I would have acted like nothing happened, as my finger fell off. that was nasty. I think somebody did that. [points to camera] it was him. it was my man. how are you? you didn’t do it. I know you didn’t. I know you didn’t. so, uh—”
hey, you know what, Donny? fuck off. it was a paper clip. stop being a drama queen.
thank god Donny’s bone spurs weren’t acting up, and preventing him from heroically winning the War of the Binder Clip.
that pile of papers Donny’s brandishing in the above clip, that’s his list of ‘365 wins.’ that’s what the whole presser was about, Donny bragging about his (imaginary) wins.
#243 says: “Stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden of his taxpayer-funded Secret Service detail.”
Donny, fuck off. that’s not a ‘win’ — that’s the act of a toxic piece of shit obsessed with settling scores.
hey, where do you think ‘suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files’ was in Donny’s list of wins? I’d have put it at number one.
now excuse me, but what the fuck is this, and where does ‘blithering like a lunatic’ land on Donny’s win list?
“we had in my area in Queens, I grew up in Queens, we had a place called Creedmore. Creedmore. does anybody know that? Creedmore. it was a big— I said ‘mom, why are those— bars on the building?’ I used to play little league baseball— there. a place called Cunningham Park. I was quite the baseball player. you couldn’t believe it. but I said to my mother, ‘mom—’ she would be there always there for me, she said ‘son, you could be a professional baseball player.’ I said ‘thanks mom.’ I said, ‘why are those bars on the windows?’ big building. big, powerful building that loomed over the park, actually. she said, ‘well, people that are very sick are in that building.’ I said, ‘boy.’ I used to always look at that building and I’d see— big building, big, tall building, it loomed over the park, sort of. now that I think of it, I think it was pretty unfriendly, sad. but I— I’ll never forget— I don’t know if it’s still there.”
get the idea? it was a big, tall building — powerful, in fact, with tears in its eyes.
of course, that fascinating anecdote took place in the old days, when Donny used to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time.
so, what was the press doing, while Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ brain was visibly leaking out of his ears? just what they always do: sitting there like useless lumps, nodding their heads. this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 2,122nd day.
instead of any ‘what the fuck’ bravery, we just got the the usual fresh load of horse shit. here’s NPR’s Mara Liasson’s hot take.
“And what else struck me about this press conference was how similar Trump and Biden were. Both of them tried to convince Americans that the economy was a lot better than voters’ own experience of the economy is.”
worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press, please stop it with this both-sides nonsense.
“President Donald Trump has commanded attention during his second term. From military interventions to controversial social media posts, the Republican has rewritten the presidency’s role in a divided country.”
oh please, fuck straight off with this tepid pablum.
Donny isn’t ‘rewriting the role of the presidency.’ he’s pouring gasoline all over the Constitution and setting a fucking match to it — and by dancing around the issue couching it in oh-so-polite terms, the press is aiding and abetting him.
“it’s time buck up. it’s time to get serious. stop being complicit. it’s time to stand tall and firm. have a backbone. I’ve seen this in the United States. playing Congress, playing both sides, saying one thing in a text or tweet, another publicly. it’s time to have principles. it’s time to stand tall. it’s time to stand united. have principles. I can’t take this complicity. people rolling over. I should have brought a bunch of knee pads for all the world leaders. I mean, handing out crowns, this is pathetic. Nobel Prizes that are being given away. it’s just pathetic. and I hope people understand how pathetic they look on the world stage. I mean, at least from an American perspective. it’s embarrassing. one thing they can’t do is what they’ve been doing, and they’ve been played. this guy’s playing folks for fools, and it’s embarrassing.”
Gavin is spot fucking on — because world leaders have indeed spent a year flattering Donny, and appeasing him, hoping that by stroking his unquenchable ego, they could somehow magically come out on top.
what did South Korea end up getting in return? not one fucking thing.
yet the flattery and kowtowing goes on, right up to into the new year. we even saw it yesterday, in the text message from Macron that Donny posted on his shitty app. look at this obsequious drek.
“my friend.” “we are totally in line.” “let us try to build great things.” “let’s have lunch, I’ll invite whoever you want to.”
oh please. Donny is laughing his ginormous ass off at what a fool you are.
hey, you know who else thought he could flatter his way to victory?
this homey. Neville Chamberlain, pictured here with his best bud, Adolf Whats-His-Name.
in 1938, Chamberlain came up with an awesome idea: all Europe had to do was flatter old Adolf, tell him what a great guy he is — and if they him keep Sudetenland, that’ll satisfy him, and he’ll leave the rest of the world alone.
come on, Adolf. let’s do lunch. I’ll invite whoever you want.
tell me, how did flattery and appeasement work out for Europe?
“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”
thanks, bro. now get your right-wing ass out of my sight.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
is the leader of your country crazier than a shithouse rat? is he out wandering in the tall weeds, where the buses don’t run? is he a few sandwiches short of a fucking brain?
here’s one sure way to tell: does he spend his time rage-posting stark barking bonkers threats to take over other countries?
fact check for the United States: yes, he does. lucky us.
holy. fucking shit. 445 words — every single one of them delusional.
this may be the dumbfuckiest thing Donny’s ever posted. there’s no polite way of sugar-coating this: Dear Leader is coo-coo for cocoa puffs.
before we even begin wading through the content of this crazypants post, we need to remind ourselves that we’ve become so normalized to Donny’s behavior, it’s easy to forget that how utterly fucking insane it is.
it’s not normal for a head of state to spend all day and all night crapping out hundreds of posts an hour onto an app he paid someone to create after getting banned from twitter for doing an insurrection.
and on no planet is it normal for a world leader to conduct high-level foreign policy via a medium that was invented for looking at cat pictures and gossiping about celebrities.
no other president or prime minister does this. France’s Macron isn’t up all night whining about every grievance on some crappy app he’s named La Vérité Sociale. he has better things to do with his time. oh, and he’s a mature adult, not some diapershitting rage-baby.
that said, let us now gird the shit out of our loins, and take a deep dive into Donny’s post. all girded up? okay, here we go.
We have subsidized Denmark, and all of the Countries of the European Union, and others, for many years by not charging them Tariffs, or any other forms of remuneration. Now, after Centuries, it is time for Denmark to give back — World Peace is at stake! China and Russia want Greenland, and there is not a thing that Denmark can do about it. They currently have two dogsleds as protection, one added recently. Only the United States of America, under PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP, can play in this game, and very successfully, at that!
delusions of grandeur much?
Donny might as well just shove a Napoleon hat onto his head and declare himself Emperor of the Universe.
fun fact: we already have a US military base in Greenland. we can already defend the country if need be — and trust me, China and Russia couldn’t give a fuck about Greenland. it’s of no strategic value to them, and Greenland’s resources are too expensive to extract.
Nobody will touch this sacred piece of Land,
this is where you can invoke the ‘in my pants’ rule. ‘nobody will touch this sacred piece of land — in my pants.’
especially since the National Security of the United States, and the World at large, is at stake. On top of everything else, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Finland have journeyed to Greenland, for purposes unknown.
not for ‘purposes unknown,’ you deranged rodeo clown.
eight NATO countries have taken the extraordinary step of pledging military support for Greenland — to protect them from a maniac who spends his idle hours pointing at random countries on a globe and going ‘mine now.’
it’s as if Donny is starring in a version of Charlie Chaplin’s The Great Dictator — except one that’s not funny.
oh wait, we already had a version of The Great Dictator that wasn’t funny. it was called The Third Reich.
look at where we are right now, thanks to Donny’s imperialistic fever dreams: it’s us versus NATO. can you fucking imagine that? we used to lead NATO, and now we’re a pariah state.
ace job, Donny. take a fucking victory lap. our next president is going to have so much to clean up after, that it’s going to take years to glue all the pieces back together.
This is a very dangerous situation for the Safety, Security, and Survival of our Planet. These Countries, who are playing this very dangerous game, have put a level of risk in play that is not tenable or sustainable.
‘a level of risk in play that is not sustainable’ — in my pants.
Therefore, it is imperative that, in order to protect Global Peace and Security, strong measures be taken so that this potentially perilous situation end quickly, and without question. Starting on February 1st, 2026, all of the above mentioned Countries (Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Germany, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, and Finland), will be charged a 10% Tariff on any and all goods sent to the United States of America. On June 1st, 2026, the Tariff will be increased to 25%. This Tariff will be due and payable until such time as a Deal is reached for the Complete and Total purchase of Greenland.
tariffs again — because why not? let’s have a trade war and a land war. what could possibly go wrong?
sure, let’s punish American shoppers and raise the price of everything — again — because Donny’s Big Mad about NATO not letting him do an imperialism.
tell me, what ever happened to the lie about how tariffs were going to make everything cheaper? Donny’s not even bothering to spin that bullshit any more. now he’s just using tariffs to punish other counties who won’t obey his orders — because Donny doesn’t care how, he wants Greenland now.
The United States has been trying to do this transaction for over 150 years. Many Presidents have tried, and for good reason, but Denmark has always refused.
fact check: holy shit, Donny said something that’s actually true. three times in the past, we’ve floated the idea of buying Greenland from Denmark. in each instance, the Danes politely declined. you know why? because they’re a sovereign fucking nation, and have the right to say no. oh silly me, I forgot that Donny isn’t big on consent.
Now, because of The Golden Dome, and Modern Day Weapons Systems, both Offensive and Defensive, the need to ACQUIRE is especially important.
‘the need to ACQUIRE is especially important’ — in my pants.
Hundreds of Billions of Dollars are currently being spent on Security Programs having to do with “The Dome,” including for the possible protection of Canada, and this very brilliant, but highly complex system can only work at its maximum potential and efficiency, because of angles, metes, and bounds, if this Land is included in it.
again with the ‘Golden Dome,’ Donny’s own version of Reagan’s ‘Star Wars’ missile defense shield — except this one’s batshittier, more unpractical and more expensive than St. Ronnie’s ever was. and it’s gold, because of course it is. this fucking child and his infantile obsession with gold.
I have an idea. instead of flushing hundreds of billion of dollars down the toilet on an unworkable waste of time that will never be built, why don’t we have affordable healthcare in our country?
silly me for even asking. you don’t have to say it, I’ll just go proactively fuck myself.
The United States of America is immediately open to negotiation with Denmark and/or any of these Countries that have put so much at risk, despite all that we have done for them, including maximum protection, over so many decades. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
‘thank you for your attention to this matter’ — in my pants.
DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
“There must be a price to pay, and it has got to be a BIG ONE!”
everybody say it with me: ‘there has got to be a BIG ONE’ — in my pants.
it’s definitely time to do a palate cleanse with our hero of the day: Abigail Spanberger, who was sworn into office yesterday, becoming Virginia’s first woman governor.
On her first day as Governor, Abigail Spanberger made a decisive move: she vetoed Executive Order 47, ending Virginia’s participation in the federal 287(g) program that allowed local law enforcement to act as ICE agents.
awesome. more like this, please.
have a great Sunday, everyone.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
folks, the president’s brain has left the station. I’m not sure it’s ever coming back.
Upgrade to paid
after its long holiday break, Congress was back in session yesterday — and Mad King Donny chose to mark the occasion by giving what might charitably be called a ‘speech’ to Congressional Republicans.
I have no idea what cocktail of drugs his handlers pumped him full of, but holy fucking shit.
Republicans, how the fuck are you not embarrassed by this?
pink hair, orange face, three chins, delicate little white porcelain doll hands, and a brain that’s out there wandering where the buses don’t run. the GOP’s beloved Dear Leader is a clown — but you couldn’t possibly hire him to entertain a child’s birthday party, because he would just terrify the crap out of everyone.
“they are mean, and smart. but fortunately for you, they have horrible policies. they can be smart as— can be. but when they want open borders, when they want, as I said, men in women’s sports. when they want [waves his arms] TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE! bring your kids in, we’re gonna change the sex of your child. just send them our way. in some cases, LIKE IN MINNESOTA, they don’t even tell the parents, is that right? and nobody believes it when I say it. I think we have six states. nobody— am I correct? it’s true. when the kid comes back— they keep the kid— they operate on this kid, they don’t tell the parents. it’s not— believable.”
fact check:
how were the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets not chasing Donny off the stage after that crazypants soliloquy?
for those of you keeping score at home, they’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they fraudstering the daycare centers — and they’re transgendering everything in sight.
“you gotta win the midterms. because if we don’t win the midterms— it’s just gotta be— I mean, they’ll find a reason to impeach me. I’ll get impeached.”
no fucking shit, Sherlock.
that clip alone should motivate every Democrat to run to the polls this November — because the quickest way to put an end to all this fascist fuckstickery is for the Democrats to retake the House, and gain a supermajority in the Senate.
“she hates when I dance. I said, ‘everybody wants me to dance.’ ‘darling, it’s not presidential.’ she actually said, ‘could you imagine FDR dancing?’ she said that to me. and I said, there’s a long history that perhaps— she doesn’t know. because he was an elegant fellow. even as a Democrat, right? he was— the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant. but he wouldn’t be doing this. but— but— [laughs] nor would— too many others. but she says ‘darling, please. the weightlifting is terrible.’”
neither Donny nor Melania have any idea that FDR was confined to a wheelchair, do they? for a second there, I thought Donny was going to point out her error, but then the coked-up squirrel running around in his head chewed through the wrong wire, and what seeped instead out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant.’
come on, that’s not even a coherent sentence by any stretch of the imagination. where are the men with the butterfly nets?
by the way, this is the Melania version of a ‘sir’ story. you know it never actually happened, because there’s no way Donny’s Slovenian rent-a-wife would ever call him ‘darling.’ she hates his guts.
‘fock off. you take own car.’
Donny sure is convinced of his own dancing prowess. he never shuts the fuck up about it. has Donny ever actually seen himself doing his ‘jacking off two invisible giraffes’ dance?
he should be embarrassed by that shit — but he’s not. he’s super fucking proud of it. in fact, have you heard the latest? apparently, Donny’s hella pissed at Nicolás Maduro for — hold onto your hat — stealing his dance moves.
President Trump accused Nicolás Maduro of attempting to steal his famed dance moves after reports that the White House believed the deposed dictator was mocking the US.
what the fuck is this thin-skinned bastard whining about now? aside from the fact that here we have two authoritarian idiots who have no idea how to dance, how are these the same?
it’s truly stunning how many grudges Donny has running around in his noggin. how does he keep them all straight?
so, is this the true Donroe Doctrine? ‘you steal my dance, I steal your oil’?
I am pleased to announce that the Interim Authorities in Venezuela will be turning over between 30 and 50 MILLION Barrels of High Quality, Sanctioned Oil, to the United States of America. This Oil will be sold at its Market Price, and that money will be controlled by me, as President of the United States of America, to ensure it is used to benefit the people of Venezuela and the United States! I have asked Energy Secretary Chris Wright to execute this plan, immediately. It will be taken by storage ships, and brought directly to unloading docks in the United States. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
what the fuck? Donny’s just going ‘mine now,’ and straight up absconding with Venezuela’s oil, giving them jack shit in return?
or course, Donny doesn’t see this as stealing, because he’s conveniently convinced himself that all that oil is actually his, and fuck those wily Venezuelans for very sneakily putting all their land on top of his oil. what the hell, Venezuela?
again, where are the men with the butterfly nets? because his farcical insistence that ‘all that Venezuelan oil has been stolen from America, and we’re just taking it back’ is just as bonkers as believing that doctors in Minnesota are transgendering the shit out of everyone in sight.
of course, none of this fuckery is legal — or constitutional. Donny can’t just extort another country’s natural resources, like some mobster going ‘nice country you got here. be a real shame if something were to happen to it.’ he can’t sell off all that oil and stick it in some mysterious bank account, to spend it as he — and he alone — sees fit. collecting and allocating funds is Congress’ job. it’s right there in the fucking Constitution.
but there I go again, prattling on about what Donny can’t do. Congressional Republicans aren’t going to stop him. they’ve completely abdicated their responsibilities. why did Holy Mike Johnson even bother to gavel Congress back into session, if they’re going to go sit there like useless lumps?
by the way, ‘30 to 50 million barrels of oil’ may sound like a ginormous amount, but it’s not. America burns through about 20 million barrels of the stuff every day. all that shit’s gonna be gone in two or three days — and Donny will be back at Venezuela’s door, like a junkie hankering for a fix.
Matt Gaetz: “when did Dan Bongino run for office and how did he perform as a candidate?”
Dan Bingo-Bongo Bongino: “Maybe if I spent more time at shady parties with monied insiders I would’ve won. I heard you’d know a bit about that. You’ve always been a dick by the way. Grifting off your daddy like a suckling little doggie. When I first met you in the panhandle I knew you were a piece of shit. It’s written all over that phony face of yours.”
does Matty Plankhead indeed have a phony face? let’s do a quick fact check.
yes, he does.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
when talking about yesterday’s smash-and-grab escapade in Venezuela — and the plunder to come — where do we even start? with how lawless it is? because it absolutely is completely fucking illegal — and unconstitutional.
with how insane it is? because it’s off-the-charts crazypants.
with how unnecessary it is? the American people didn’t vote for this.
with how unrealistic the goals are? of course it’s all unrealistic. Donny and his toadies live in a fantasy world.
with how it’s just a naked grab for Venezuela’s oil? no fucking shit, Sherlock.
as soon as someone else started talking, Preznit Fuckwit started sawing logs — while standing up. who says Dear Leader isn’t a man of many talents?
as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us during the Iraq debacle, sometimes you go to war with the narcoleptic fart factory you have, not the narcoleptic fart factory you want.
“the United Sases militareese the strongest and most fearsome military on the planet by far, with capabiliseesanshkills our enemies can— [long pause] scarshely begin to imagine.”
oh come on. this is so embarrassing. Donny can no longer read. his brain is fried. maybe he should stick to what he’s good at: pointing at a drawing of a camel. can someone get Dear Leader a pudding cup and lead him back to his room? he should be in bed, not overseeing a war.
hey, you know who’s going to be running Venezuela now? Donny is.
“we’re going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious transition.”
oh, how lovely. the shitwit with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel — who acts first and thinks never — is now going to two running two countries at the same time. the business genius who, as his fifth consecutive casino went bankrupt, said ‘let’s open a sixth’ is going to be making decisions about two ginormous economies — all while shopping for marble for his vulgar Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.
yeah, right.
now here’s a question: who the fuck is running Venezuela right this very second?
Trump: “There is nobody to take over. You have a vice president who has been appointed by Maduro. She’s I guess the president. She was sworn in just a little while ago. She had a long conversation with Marco and she said, ‘We’ll do whatever you need.’ She really doesn’t have a choice.”
Venezuela’s Vice President Delcy Rodríguez condemned the U.S. attack and capture of President Nicolás Maduro on Saturday, saying in a televised address the nation “will never return to being the colony of another empire.”
“There is only one president in Venezuela, and his name is Nicolas Maduro Moros,” Rodriguez said in a televised address to Venezuelans hours after the U.S. strikes and Maduro’s capture.
Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodriguez is in Russia, four sources familiar with her movements said on Saturday, after President Donald Trump said President Nicolas Maduro had been seized by U.S. forces after an attack on the country.
Trump on María Corina Machado: “I think it’d be very tough for her to be the leader. She doesn’t have the support or the respect within the country. She’s a very nice woman but she doesn’t have the respect.”
the thin-skinned bastard is still big mad that Machado won the Nobel Peace Prize and he didn’t, isn’t he?
this plundering of Venezuela going to be a fucking disaster — and not the fun, entertaining, Stephen-Colbert-eating-popcorn kind of disaster.
it’s going to be a five-alarm shit-show, complete with chaos and suffering civilians.
back in November, The New York Times actually committed a journalism and ran a long piece about how during Donny’s first term, the military ran a simulation on what would happen if the US ousted Maduro. their conclusion was that it would be a clusterfuck.
but Donny doesn’t give a shit about any possible turmoil and violence among the Venezuelan people. Venezuelans can go fuck themselves sideways, as far as Donny’s concerned. he’s made it very clear that this is all about grabbing that sweet, sweet crude.
Fox & Friends: “what do you see as the future of Venezuela’s oil industry?”
Donny: “well I see that we’re gonna be very strongly involved in it. that’s all. what can I say. we have the greatest oil companies in the world.”
Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”
reporter: “is it possible that the US ends up administering Venezuela for years?”
Donny: “well, you know, it won’t cost us anything because the money coming out of the ground is very substantial.”
oh lord, how fucking delusional. ‘the war going to pay for itself.’ gee, where have we heard this before? oh, yeah: back when Dick Cheney and his merry band of fuckface neocons decided to plunder Iraq. every single one of those shitbags bragged about how their awesome adventure was going to pay for itself.
“Iraq is a very wealthy country. Enormous oil reserves. They can finance, largely finance the reconstruction of their own country. And I have no doubt that they will.”
— Richard Perle, chair
The Pentagon’s Defense Policy Board
July 11, 2002
“By proceeding without any semblance of international legitimacy, valid legal authority or domestic endorsement, Mr. Trump risks providing justification for authoritarians in China, Russia and elsewhere who want to dominate their own neighbors.”
exactly. Donny bombing the shit out of Venezuela and going ‘mine now’ — because reasons — is no different than Putin’s war on Ukraine.
what are we going to say if Xi decides to roll tanks into Taiwan? spoiler alert: we’re not going to be able to say shit — because the US is now a rogue nation.
so much for Saint Reagan’s vision of America as a ‘shining city on a hill.’ awesome job, Donny, we’re now a pariah state. take another victory lap.
Rubio: “If I lived in Havana in the government, I’d be concerned.”
how about Marco Rubio take his unearned hubris and shove it where the sun don’t shine?
maybe win the first war first, you arrogant fools.
you know who could put an end to this fuckery in a heartbeat? Congressional Republicans, by using their Constitutionally-mandated powers to authorize wars — but they’re not going to. in fact, they’ve already rolled right the fuck over.
Tom Cotton: “Congress isn’t notified when the FBI is going to arrest a drug trafficker or cyber criminal here in the US, nor should Congress be notified when the executive branch is executing arrests on indicted persons. and that’s really what you can make the analogy to here.”
that, folks, is how the Republicans are justifying allowing Donny to do whatever the fuck he wants — by pretending that this isn’t a war, it’s a law enforcement action.
‘war? what war? do you see a war anywhere? this is just Donny carrying out an arrest warrant for Maduro and his wife. we’re powerless to stop that shit. who says it’s a war?’
fuck off, you cowards.
now let’s talk about the Democratic response to Donny’s lawless fuckery, because there are two ways to go about it: the right way, and the Chuck Schumer way.
Rep. Seth Moulton: “is anyone going to just stop for a second and be honest? this is insane. what the hell are we doing? we’ve got a lot of problems in America today, and invading, occupying, running Venezuela does not solve any of them.”
thank you, Rep. Moulton. we’re all standing with you.
Asked about the possibility of impeachment, Schumer says ‘we hope that we can have support from our Republican colleagues to put a brake on this long before it gets that far.’”
oh fuck straight off to the moon and back, Chuckles. how fucking naive can one person be? on what planet are Republicans are going to put a breakon this? did you not hear what Tom Cotton just said, you hayseed?
let’s be clear-eyed about our Senate Minority Leader: Schumer’s a great guy to have around if there’s absolutely nothing at stake.need someone to speak at the dedication of a new post office? Chuck’s your man. need someone to make sure all the procedural i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed in some piece of shrimp boat legislation? here comes Chuck!
but Schumer isn’t a fighter. he never has been. right now, he should be screaming his head off about impeachement. that’s what Republicans would be doing if it were Joe Biden smashing and grabbing in South America. but instead, he’s making weak mewling noises about ‘support from our Republican colleagues.’ what the fuck?
Chuck Schumer just isn’t up to the task. it’s time for him to retire.
finally, let’s talk about how hastily this war was thrown together — because it did seem rushed, didn’t it? and those stage-managed photos going around, of Donny and Liddle Marco and Flippy McCrushnuts, acting all warlike and stuff?
that’s not the White House Situation Room. nor is it a secure SCIF, where classified intel can be discussed without fear of leaks.
for fuck’s sake, it’s the dining room of Motel-a-Lago, partitioned with black sheets. anyone wandering past, on their way to breakfast, could have heard what was going on.
how fucking rinky-dink is that?
so, why did this thing have to happen in the dead of night during New Year’s weekend?
it’s all about the timing.
Congress is back in session this week, and they have a lot of stuff on their plate — stuff Donny doesn’t want them dealing with.like the Epstein Files, for which the DOJ just missed another deadline. then there are the Obamacare subsidies, which expired four days ago.
but now, all anyone is going to be talking about is Venezuela.
that’s pretty convenient, isn’t it?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Living In The United States Of Embarrassment John Pavlovitz
A few months ago, I confessed to a close friend I’d been imagining myself in a way I never had before in over half a century of living here in America: I’d been imagining myself as an expat.
Seeing my social media timeline, now filled with breaking news that is the stuff of horror film and chilling 1930s newsreels, I’d been daydreaming about what it might be like to wake up in a place that doesn’t feel the way this one does: oppressive and disappointing, bitter and divided. I’ve pictured myself greeting the morning with expectancy, and moving through the day with the simple exhalation of belonging, of truly feeling at home in the place I call home.
At first, it was difficult to admit this newly-burgeoning fantasy of flight from my place of birth, until I found out how many here are similarly prone to daydreaming right now, as well. Over the last year, tens of millions of Americans moved from national pride to abject humiliation, exchanging the promise and possibility of what we could be for the grim reality of what we are. After the last election, we spent a few horrible days or weeks in stunned sadness, and most of the rest of the time since, alternating between rage and shame.
So many of us understand how horrifyingly ridiculous this all is. We see every illegal, immoral, violent thing this Administration is doing. We know how thoroughly batsh*t crazy our President is, and we’re well aware that he has absolutely no business running a street corner hot dog cart, let alone the Land of the Free and home of the Brave.
Every day seems to deepen the severity and magnitude of our never-ending national facepalm. That’s because this authoritarian regime filled with felons, grifters, insurrectionists, and sociopaths has put many of us in a precarious position that we’ve never been in our entire lives: we’re now ashamed of our homeland.
No, not of the ideas of Libery, equality, and Diversity that birthed this young and troubled nation, not the tremendous sacrifice that’s been offered by past generations in order to protect and preserve our fragile democracy, not the Nobel Constitution that once formed the very bedrock of our collective, not the things we’ve done together to this point to try and craft a country opening and welcoming.
But we are embarrassed by this President and his kleopcratic Cabinet, and we’re embarrassed to live in America as they represent it to the world. We’re ashamed that they are speaking for us, serving as our ambassadors, being our surrogates, because we know it all reflects terribly on those of us who call this place home. It’s exhausting to try to live, work, and study while holing your breath and hiding your face, alongside so many who seem proud of this ugliness that is defining us.
As a result, so many things are now shame-triggers for us: the mention of his name, the very sight of him, the flag, the word America. Hearing those first few words of our National Anthem, “Oh say, can you see…” is cause for mourning, because right now it’s nearly impossible to see those things we should still proudly hail.
Perhaps the only true comfort we’ve found in these days has been the solidarity of like-hearted humans who are equally humiliated; the affinity we have discovered together, like arm-locked, rebellious souls fiercely burdened to see one another through a terrible disaster. We are fellow captives trauma-bonding in a tenuous hostage situation that seems certain to end poorly. If misery loves company, then we are certainly finding such heavily grieving company now.
So yes, we are united here in our great embarrassment; people of every pigmentation, religious affiliation, orientation, and nation of origin. We are all greatly ashamed of the America that the world is experiencing and the one we see ourselves becoming. And no, most of us are not leaving, even if those loud and angry few who are not mortified but proud of a wannabe despot and his genuflecting gaggle of enablers would prefer we did.
We are staying to push back, to advocate for one another, to repair what is being damaged in whatever incremental ways we can. We are staying to be the dignified and rational response to the most undignified, irrational behavior by those in our leadership. We are staying because we know that our nation, as shameful as it is, is better than those who have commandeered it and made it into the blight on this world that it has become.
We’re shaking our collective heads here in the Land of the Freaked-out and the Home of the Facepalm, trying to make America good again despite our leaders… and we will.
are you sitting down right now? I sure hope so, because here’s some shocking news: it turns out that the guy who lied to us about bone spurs, and lied to us about hush money, and lied to us about his Ukraine phone call — and about a hurricane and covid and the election and his height and his weight and his golf scores and how tariffs work, and about thirty thousand other things — has been lying about his health.
I know, right?
apparently, Donny got wind of the fact that the Wall Street Journal was going to commit a wall-street-journalism by documenting all the ways in which Dear Leader is falling apart physically — and he reacted in the most Donny way possible: he phoned the Journal and started whining about how unfair they’re being to him.
In an impromptu phone interview that came after the Journal shared details about its reporting with the White House, the president expressed irritation about the public debate over his health. He has grown upset with his own White House staff for not promoting him as more vigorous.
spoiler alert: this whole ‘interview’ is just Donny lying his big dumb pumpkin face off, spewing the usual fever-swamp hallucinations about how he’s super fucking healthy — healthy like no one thought possible, maybe the healthiest person ever.
“My health is perfect,” he added.
whatever you say, President Rottinghand.
speaking of which, we’ve got it all wrong about Donny’s rotting hand. those bruises, apparently, happen because Donny’s been gobbling aspirin for decades.
The large dose of aspirin he chooses to take daily has caused him to bruise easily, he said, and he has been encouraged by his doctors to take a lower dose. But Trump has declined to switch because he has been taking it for 25 years. “I’m a little superstitious,” he said in the interview.
oh please, the only thing of Donny’s that ‘bruises easily’ is his paper-thin ego. but do tell us more about your crackpot theories of medicine, Mister Windmills Give You Brain Cancer — we can’t get enough of that shit.
“They say aspirin is good for thinning out the blood, and I don’t want thick blood pouring through my heart,” Trump said. “I want nice, thin blood pouring through my heart. Does that make sense?”
Donny wants nice, thin blood like no one thought possible — and he asks us if that ‘makes sense,’ not wanting thick blood gumming up the works.
of fucking course it doesn’t make any sense. don’t take my word for it. let’s listen to an expert. Dr. Jonathan Reiner was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.
“when we use any anti-coagulant, medications to prevent clotting, those don’t thin the blood. it’s not like changing something from gumbo to chicken soup. it doesn’t make it thinner, it makes you less likely to clot. it used to be that we would treat a lot of people with aspirin therapy to prevent heart attacks — but we’ve learned in recent years that particularly people over the age of 70, not only is there no benefit in terms of just primary prevention, trying to prevent a cardiac event by giving them aspirin, that there can be hazard.and the hazard can be bleeding. significant bleeding. so here’s the interesting thing about this. the president is apparently is taking 325 milligrams of aspirin per day, which is essentially one adult size aspirin tablet. but the dosage that we use for patients, even with documented chronic artery disease, is a quarter that. 81 milligrams per day. so why is the president taking an unorthodox dose of aspirin? the media has published many photos of his right hand, and now maybe his left hand, with his chronic bruise, and the White House has said that this is related to chronic aspirin therapy. so if you’re bruising a lot, and your doctor says you’re on too much aspirin, why wouldn’t you go down to a lower dose?”
ooh ooh! I know the answer to the doctor’s question: it’s because Donny’s a fucking imbecile who is serenely convinced of his own imaginary genius. he know more about doctoring than all the doctors.
of course Donny isn’t going to take the recommended dosage (which isn’t even recommended any more). small pills are for losers. real men chow down on the big-ass kind. so naturally Donny’s going to take the aspirin that goes up to eleven.
meanwhile, the White House is sticking to its ‘Donny’s fist is mangled because he shakes a lot of hands’ fairy tale — but even Donny’s own toadies know that’s a load of shit.
His physical signs of aging are becoming more evident to some of his closest advisers. His skin is so delicate that Pam Bondi, now his attorney general, caused his hand to bleed when she nicked him with her ring while giving him a high-five at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.
so, who is Donny shaking hands with that he’s ended up with punctures on the back of his hand? Wolverine?
Trump said he applies makeup to his hands after he gets “whacked again by someone.” He added: “I have makeup that’s, you know, easy to put on, takes about 10 seconds.”
if it takes Donny ‘ten seconds’ to cover his hand, I wonder how many seconds it takes him to spackle his face.
I’m guessing five.
obviously, we’re being lied to. no one is shaking Donny’s hand to the point where the fucking thing looks like someone slammed it in a car door. Donny has clearly been repeatedly receiving intravenous fluids for kind of ailment that they’re hiding from the public. it’s an insult to our intelligence for the White House to insist otherwise.
hey, here’s something else we’ve been getting wrong about Donny. he’s not a narcoleptic fart factory who chronically saws logs in public. he’s just relaxing his eyes.
“I’ll just close. It’s very relaxing to me,” he said in describing shutting his eyes. “Sometimes they’ll take a picture of me blinking, blinking, and they’ll catch me with the blink.”
you know, like he relaxed his eyes at the Pope’s funeral.
who among us hasn’t momentarily relaxed their eyes to the point where their mouth falls open and their entire body goes slack?
oh look, Donny and the White House are once again lying to us about every fucking thing.
when is an MRI not and MRI? apparently when it’s a CT scan, that’s when.
He has for weeks said that he underwent an MRI at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in October. When asked about the procedure by the Journal, Trump and his doctor said he got a different form of imaging: a CT scan. “It wasn’t an MRI,” Trump told the Journal. “It was less than that. It was a scan.”
Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, Trump’s doctor, confirmed in a statement to the Journal that Trump had received a CT scan.
what in the actual fuck? after weeks of Donny and his flunkies telling us that he got an MRI, now it’s a CT scan? and even the doctor who released that farcical ‘summary’ about Donny’s MRI is now on board that it was a CT scan?
do you think maybe Dr. Barbabella could go on record and explain to us why, if we were all mistaken about which procedure Donny underwent, he didn’t correct us, y’know, two fucking months ago?
The White House declined to make Barbabella available for an interview.
oh. huh.
we’re either being lied to now, or were lied to then. I’m not sure which is the better scenario.
for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.
I’m sorry, but this guy is not well.
look, Donny is suffering from a lot of shit. he is clearly not up to the rigors of presidenting. he disappears from public for days at a time, without explanation. he’s tired. he’s confused. his memory is shot. he can’t tell fact from fiction. he’s hard of hearing. his hands are rotting and his cankles look like they’re about to explode.
that’s a whole lot of pathologies. let’s put them all together and call it fuckbrainscabosis.
We the People have a right to know what’s going on. Dear Leader’s handlers need to stop jerking us around, and release Donny’s complete medical records. tell us why he got an MRI, or CT scan, or whatever the fuck we’re calling it today. and how about explaining to us once and for all how his shot-to-pieces ear magically regenerated itself.
and — as long as we’re calling for releasing stuff — let’s go. Dead Pedo Bestie Files. snap it up already.
“He has wiped off the books EVERY Eric Adams executive order issued on or after September 26, 2024, the day Adams was indicted on federal bribery charges.”
this is how it’s done — and I certainly hope that the next Democratic president is paying close attention.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.
Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”
I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.
it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.
by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.
it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.
that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?” witness: “no” Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”
Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —
and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.
so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?
remember, you’re under oath.
October 1: give that skateboard the Nobel Peace Prize
[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”
I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.
I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.
October 20: hey Donny, I can see the Epstein Ballroom from up here
oh, how cuuuuute! someone strapped Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts into the child seat of a fighter jet, and took him for a joyride.
let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: Pete Kegstand was a passenger. no way was he flying the plane — not with his blood-alcohol level.
of course, the Department of Defense went out of their way to crop that video in a way that implied Piss-Drunk Pete was piloting that jet — because that’s what you do when your SecDef is a banty rooster with a paper-thin ego in need of constant affirmation that he’s something other than a two-bit Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown.
sure, but you know doesn’t have a functioning brain? MAGA, that’s who. those dumbfucks immediately started punching the air and going ‘Kegstand, fuck yeah!’
Community Notes, could you please explain to MAGA what they’re too dim to grasp on their own?
Amanda Grace: “so, I want to speak to these people that want to take part in these ceremonies today. that want to take part in horrific wickedness today. you are nothing more than a slave to Satan and his kingdom. he hates you, he cannot stand you, because whether you like it or not, you’re made in the image of God. and you are just a means to his end. you are a slave to his exploits. you are in bondage to do his bidding.”
lighten the fuck up, Francis.
holy shit, lady. I just wanted to dole out some candy to kids.
I’m pretty sure Satan has more important stuff on his plate right now, what with an entire White House to run.
seriously, could evangelicals please shut the fuck up already and let the rest of us have our fun? it’s not our fault that you can’t find joy in anything, so stop shitting all over ours.
November 13: first they came for whatever the fuck this is
Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.
Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”
Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”
spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.
I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’
this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.
“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”
I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’
hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
and please, let’s not mock Iwona for it. she didn’t choose her name, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s already endured a lifetime of teasing.
but there is one thing I’d like to ask Ms. Horyn’s parents.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
why didn’t the person filling out the birth certificate snatch the baby out of Mother Horyn’s hands and say ‘you can have her back when you come to your senses.’
we don’t know how Iwona feels about any of this. she’s not saying. neither is her husband, Hugh G. Rection.
podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’
“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”
I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’
this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.
as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.
we should check in with Erika Kirk, the widow of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. she’s been though some shit lately. what’s that, Erika? you’ve got a ‘holiday season message’ for us?
“HOLIDAY MESSAGE: @MrsErikaKirk shares her — and what would have been Charlie’s — holiday season message: ‘Just rest…Love on your babies. Love on your family members. Life is short.’ Find Charlie Kirk’s final work, ‘Stop, in the Name of God,’ at http://45Books.com.”
hang on, did Erika actually end that message with a book plug? oh yes, she fucking well did!
yup, they’ve recreated the tent where the misshapen gnome was assassinated — and the cultists are all invited to take selfies in it. how fucktacularly ghoulish is that?
you know where they got this brilliant idea to fetishize tragedy, don’t you? from Dear Leader, who has turned an entire wall at the White House into a shrine to his Miracle Ear Nicking.
who the fuck does that?
that puts a wrap on 2025, folks. have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve!
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
the world’s most tiresome assholes got another chance to completely lose their shit when James Fucking Comey instagrammed (and then deleted) a photo of seashells spelling out “86 47.”
but let’s leave the whole ridiculous “what could 86 possibly mean” manufactrovery aside for now, and focus instead on the aromatic mouth-farts of the rake-steppingist fuckwit in Congress — because James Comer Fudd knows exactly what the deal is.
“nothing would surprise me at all if that was intentional and they were trying to jizz up some type of coup.”
Christ on a cupcake, Comer Fudd, the expression is “gin up.” and how many coups do you know of that started with seashells? now stop trying to jizz up controversy and go home. we just started this post and we’re already fucking exhausted.
Nancy Mace — America’s self-appointed panty inspector — has a fetish. can you guess what it is?
that’s right, Nancy Mace is way too into posing in front of bathroom doors. and nothing makes Nance happier than finding — the horror! — an all genderbathroom, as happened this week during a visit to Austin.
oh my god. break out the smelling salts and help Nancy to the fainting couch — it’s the fucking fall of western civilization.
has this attention-starved busybody never been on an airplane? those are all-gender bathrooms. has Nancy Mace never been inside her own house?
oh, and that sign that Nancy is so horrified by —
that’s the ADA-mandated sign you see outside every handicapped bathroom. they’re literally everywhere and there’s nothing controversial about them. only one person uses them at a time.
Nancy knows this. she’s just being a performative-nonsense asshole and playing to the cheap seats.
folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.
here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.
oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?
no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.
oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.
of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.
so there was no damage?
well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?
sorry. tell me what happened next.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —
wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.
yeah, that’s pretty much it.
I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.
“we talked to an astronaut yesterday who’s on the moon, who’s a soldier.”
obviously, Dipshit Dan meant to say ‘international space station’ — but overcome by his boyish excitement over being on TV, he completely shanked it.
end of story, right?
wrong. Danny’s slip of the tongue caused the dumbest fuckwads on the planet — the I Did My Own Research crowd on Elon’s Nazi Bar — to orgasm on the spot.
“Interesting. It has been understood that we’ve had a presence there for a very very long time.”
I mean, obviously — and that’s not all they’re hiding from us.
“If you go on Rumble, pull up Super Soldier Talk. We have soldiers on Mars. Fascinating stuff on there!! You have to use portals to get there. Look for JP & I can’t remember a guy named James last name. Women too! Unreal what they go through & time travel involved too.”
portals and time travel and bears, oh my!
I have no clue what’s going on with this next not-tweet. my batshit-to-english translator is on the fritz.
“so we know the enemy has control of the airways. Where do the airways come from?”
it’s a totes legit question: where do the airways come from? I’m guessing the air.
now let’s hear from the lone dissenting voice in the whole comment thread below that clip on not-twitter.
tell me, who had the bright idea to make Marjorie Three Toes Greene chairperson of anything, and put a gavel in her hand? because nobody could have predicted that this ninny would immediately become intoxicated with power and make a noisy fucking fool of herself.
can someone get this spork-footed freak of nature a bag of walnuts, so she can at least do something useful while she bangs away like a two-year-old?
Reason #47 why jaketapper is a piece of shit: He looked at a collapsing democracy, women losing rights, climate hell, people being kidnapped off the streets, and thought: “You know what this moment needs? A cartoon Uncle Sam on a surfboard, high-fiving an eagle with a burger and Jack Daniels.”
Jake Tapper: The human equivalent of a sparkler. Briefly impressive to toddlers, completely useless in a crisis.
by the way, the comments under Tapper’s post are priceless.
where is the lie?
and because a meme is worth a thousand words, let me leave you with this.
let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”
wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?
excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call
yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.
what happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial, but evidently the covid pandemic completely clownfucked her brain, because now she’s a full-bore conspiracy loon.
not only does Naomi find the evil machinations of the Deep State lurking around every corner — she seems completely befuddled by the sky.
“I don’t even know what this is, Salem MA”
ooh! ooh! ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!
oh wait, the entire internet got there before me.
now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter —
— because the entire internet also showed up to mock the shit out of Naomi’s dumb-as-fuck tweet.
ok, I confess, Naomi. this is what clouds look like when the Jewish Space Lasers are scanning the Earth in search of fuckwit conspiracy loons to torment.
you remember Mike Collins. he’s the MAGAfied rage-muppet who got elected to Georgia’s 10th district in 2022 on the strength of a campaign ad wherein he treats a voting machine the way Kristi Noem treats a frisky puppy. Mike AR-15’d the shit out of that machine to prove that ‘Dear Leader actually won in 2020,’ or some such ludicrous fever-swamp bullshit.
well, the King Of All Dumb-Ass Ads is back — and now he’s running for Senate.
I’m not going to bother to show you the entire ad Mike’s brain trust cooked up to announce his candidacy, because seriously, it’s 37 seconds of who gives a shit. it’s just a bunch of nonsensical MAGA mumbo jumbo.
“Georiga.”Christ on a crepe suzette, how on earth did you imbeciles manage to fuck up the spelling of your own state?
August 7: the continuing adventures of Dildo J. Trump Jr.
oh look, the worst fucking people in the world have found a new way to call attention to their dumb-ass shitwaddery. they’re throwing green dildos onto the court during WNBA games. no, really.
why are they doing this? who knows? do the worst fucking people in the world really need a reason to do any of the stupid misogynistic bullshit they get themselves up to?
oh look, Cokey’s abusive father is throwing a green dildo from the roof of the White House down onto where a women’s basketball game is taking place. I guess it’s on the that parking-lot abomination where the Rose Garden used to be?
don’t ask me, I’m not the janky AI that generated it.
give it up, Junior. your father is never going to love you, no matter how many stupid-ass memes you post.
August 21: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.
Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.
we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.
also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.
you could livestream Bobby Brainworms’ entire life and call it Every Fucking Second In Stupid, because when it comes to the whale-head-chainsawing crackpot currently Making Polio Great Again, the batshittery never, ever ends.
but this week, researchers at the Centers for Dumbfuck Control were able to document the moment of Peak Brainworms Stupid, because — oh, joy of joys! — he’s learned a new word.
“I’m looking at kids as I walk through the airports today … and I see these kids that are just overburdened with mitochondrial challenges, inflammation — you can tell from their faces, movements, and lack of social connection.”
oh, how awesome. Bobby Brainworms has mitochondria-ray vision — and while he’s hurrying through Terminal B, trying to catch his connecting flight to Cloud Cuckoo Land, he’s peering through the skulls of every passing child, magically diagnosing all the pernicious shit going on in there.
and you thought kidnapping a dead bear cub and dumping it in Central Park was weird.
“Scientist here. Mitochondria do not present challenges to faces, movements, or social connections. Maybe those kids just don’t like you because you’re staring at them like a creep who wants to give them measles.”
’nuff said.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
As if we needed any reminder of how horrible this year has been…
as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.
here’s a MAGA moron who could teach a master class in how not to drive. in fact, schools should show this clip in driver’s ed classes — as a cautionary tale. just check out this extensive list of don’ts.
— don’t drive recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t hold your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— don’t sing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads. — and, for fuck’s sake, don’t announce that “God has cleared a path for us today” JUST BEFORE YOU CRASH YOUR CAR because you were singing M-A-G-A to the tune of Y-M-C-A while holding your phone in one hand while driving recklessly on snow-covered roads.
— lastly, don’t post your dumb-assery to social media, unless you get off on being mercilessly mocked by the entire world.
know what? I think Mr. Retribution himself, God, zapped this fucker for being a dipshit.
America, meet your new dumbed-down-as-fuckWhite House Press Corps. Donny’s press office has been doling out credentials to various wingnut noise machine randos — people like Natalie Winters, the co-host of one-man leper colony Steve Bannon’s War Room podcast. that’s right, Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts now has eyes and ears in the White House press room.
notice anything weird about that tweet? maybe Natalie’s creative spelling of the word correspondent?
typos are not necessarily stupid. we all make them, all the time. what’s totally fucking stupid is not deleting that tweet and posting a correction. five days later, it’s still in her feed. journamolism at its finest.
“you don’t get to just put your hands on people. you don’t get to come here and do whatever the fuck you want. you just assaulted me, and now you’re getting arrested. good fucking job, you idiot. you pathetic piece of shit.”
Cocaine jaw, also known as “coke jaw,” is a common side effect of cocaine use. It refers to the uncontrollable grinding of teeth and repetitive clenching of the jaw often observed in individuals who misuse cocaine.
oh gee.
Alexa, can putting your hand not quite to your mouth and then pretending you’re chewing on something be an effective way of masking that you’re coked to the fucking gills?
gather ’round, children, Uncle Jeff is going to read you the story of Enola, the Very Gay Airplane. it goes like this:
once upon a time, there was this ahem alleged sexual-assaulting christofascist named Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand.
Pete was the Big Boss of the United States military. now, Pete loved the military and he loved men — but not all men. Pete only loved the manliest of men. he hated any man who wasn’t among the manliest of manly men.
now, Pete was very afraid that if his manly army of the very manliest manly men accidentally caught a glimpse of the wrong sort of word — for instance, a word like ‘gay’ — they might go a little funny in the head, and get bad ideas. and so Pete directed his military to remove all the wrong sorts of words from their files.
and that’s how the US military ended up removing photos of the Enola Gay — the plane that dropped the first atomic bomb on Japan — from its archives.
look, you imbeciles: the Enola Gay wasn’t called that because it was a boy plane that was really into other boy planes. the plane was named after Enola Gay Tibbets — the mother of Col. Paul Tibbets, its pilot.
I suppose if dear old Enola wanted a plane named after her, she should have had the decency to be named Enola Incredibly Straight Tibbets.
christofascist pastor Joel Webbon finds himself in a bit of a sticky wicket. you see, he was hoping to sell tickets to a Christian singles event, and it seems that he’s now having to give them away for free, because … well, let’s let Joel explain.
“…completely free, and also the admission cost to the singles event. we are hoping to fill up our singles event, and finding godly Christian single women has been, well, I’ll just say, much more difficult than finding godly Christian single men.”
now comes the part where we throw back our heads in laughter.
no one could have predicted this. really weird how a bunch of unpleasant misogynistic god-botherers can’t find any women who want to attend their Incelpalooza.
hey, Pastor Joel — I’m playing gospel hits for you, on the world’s tiniest violin.
Donny Convict’s presidential activities can be sorted into two categories: the Fucking Up Of Shit and the Standing Next To Of Athletes. Donny loves to stand next to sports dudes. anyone who wins anything, they get invited to the White House so that weak and insecure Donny can preen with them and pretend that he’s a winner, too.
on April 15, Donny must have been too busy with the Fucking Up Of Shit part of his job, because he outsourced the Standing Next To Of Athletes business to his veep.
oh my god, JD — you had ONE JOB: picking up a championship trophy and handing it off to members of the Ohio State Buckeyes. but you couldn’t manage it without breaking the trophy in two and letting it fall from your stubby mitts.
why do they keep letting this doughy pantload out in public? is there one time when he hasn’t screwed the pooch?
hey, let’s gif that shit, for posterity’s sake — and let’s slow it way the fuck down, and wring every drop of stupid from it.
if that’s not a metaphor for Donny’s entire presidency, I don’t know what is.
America’s christofascist dipshits have been working overtime to convince the nation’s ahemwhite women to boom out as many ahem white babies as possible. they’re throwing everything at the wall, just to see what sticks. let’s pay them five large to get themselves knocked up. no, wait — let’s give them medals for having six or more kids. (I’m not making this up!)
you’ve got your godly marching orders, America’s ahem white women: get to work making sons — because apparently daughters are anathema to His Eye.
speaking of eyes, do yourself a huge favor — don’t zoom in on any of the faces.
also: what the fuck is going on behind the preggobabes? a bald eagle standing guard over a garden-gnome-sized Jesus wearing running shoes?
a brief note to whoever is responsible for this image: eagles are carrion birds. they eat dead things. is Mister Baldie here waiting for Microscopic Jesus to die, so he can chow down? is that really the message you’re intending to send to America’s fertile payload?
while we’re on the subject of horribly-rendered christofascist AI art, what prompt was input in order to come up with this abomination?
“AI, generate for me the dorkiest couple possible, and make sure the woman looks no older than twelve”?
and remember, guys: when Jesus comes to hook you up with your child bride, have your red baseball cap at the ready.
eww. these people are seriously sick.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
it may be Christmas Week in America, but dumbfuckery never takes a day off. yesterday was so chock full of stupid that who even knows where to start? we’re just going to have to spin the Big Wheel of Moron once again, and see where it lands. ready?here we go.
oh, lucky us. the damned thing landed on Vice President Couchfuck McGee.
is there some kind of Nobel Prize for being repellent? could we get FIFA maybe to work on one? because our favorite furniture fornicator would be a lock to win such a thing — hands-down, year after year.
“in the United States of America you don’t have to apologize for being white anymore.”
oh, thank god. finally — all those centuries of oppression are over for white people.
what the fuck is JD gibbering about? ‘I can’t believe I had to apologize for being white,’ said no white person ever — because it’s not a thing.
white people have been at the top of America’s food chain since day one — and yet, no one ever went broke selling MAGA on the fever-swamp fantasy that it’s the white people who are the real victims. it’s the easiest grift in the world. just tell these shitwits that all their problems are the fault of immigrants, or women, or the transgendered, and they’ll shut their brains and open their wallets.
Couchfuck’s Hindu wife Usha sure looks thrilled to be married to a guy who eagerly tossed away his reputation as a well-respected author and embraced his inner Nazi.
wow, CBS’ flagship news show 60 Minutes is doing a segment on that notorious Salvadoran slave-labor gulag that Donny’s fascist thugs have been disappearing innocent immigrants into.
“it began as soon as the planes landed. the deportees thought they were headed from the US back to Venezuela — but instead, they were shackled, paraded in front of cameras, and delivered to CECOT, the notorious maximum security prison in El Salvador, where they told 60 Minutes they endured four months of hell.”
holy shit, this looks awesome. Donny’s massive abuse of human rights is an important story, and we should all be looking forward to seeing it.
CBS announced the change three hours before the broadcast, a highly unusual last-minute switch. The decision was made after Bari Weiss, the new editor in chief of CBS News, requested numerous changes to the segment. CBS News said in a statement that the segment would air at a later date and “needed additional reporting.”
Bari was just doing the job that her corporate overlords at Paramount had hired her to do: ensure that anything critical of Dear Leader never sees the light of day.
But Sharyn Alfonsi, the veteran “60 Minutes” correspondent who reported the segment, rejected that criticism in a private note to CBS colleagues on Sunday, in which she accused CBS News of pulling the segment for “political” reasons.
no shit, the segment was pulled for political reasons. that’s the whole reason Bari Weiss was hired — to pull CBS News all the way to the extreme right, turning it into a sort of Fox News for people who know which fork is for salad.
even the once-respected Margaret Brennan has now been reduced to carrying water for Donny’s sewer clowns.
“this isn’t everything you asked for just yet, but would you acknowledge that they are complying with the spirit if not the intent of your law?”
oh come the fuck on, how can Brennan even ask such a question?
Jake Tapper, can you come in here for a second and show us what the Brennan considers ‘complying with the spirit of the law’?
the pre-Weiss Brennan would have never taken Donny’s side on any issue. she would have nailed Pam Bondi to the wall and ripped her several new one. but she’s now traded her reputation as a serious journalist for a handful of Paramount’s magic beans. I hope it was worth it, Meg.
Weiss, CBS News and their new overlords at Paramount are being short-sighted — because when all this is over, we’re not going to forgive the institutions that failed us.
fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how CBS slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’
the institutions we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’
and we’re going to fucking well remember who the cowards were.
oh look, Bari Weiss isn’t finished with us. apparently, she wants to play a round of ‘easy questions, easy answers.’
“has feminism failed women?”
no. fuck no.
but CBS News has failed us all. congratulations, Bari, you’ve clownfucked CBS into irrelevancy.
“In @nytopinion: ‘A year ago, we kept hearing that Trump was cool. Is anyone saying that now?’ the columnist Ezra Klein writes.”
excuse me, who was saying Donny was cool, aside from Ezra Klein and his dipshit colleagues in the chattering class? was MAGA saying Donny’s cool? no one fucking listens to them. they wear diapers.
Ezra, you need to get out more. go talk to some real people for a change.
being a Times pundit must be the sweetest gig in the multiverse. it doesn’t matter how wrong you are. it doesn’t matter if your premise is as bone-headed as they come. just shit out whatever comes to mind, and boom! you’re a legend.
that was nine and a half years ago. Maureen Dowd still has her job, shitting her drek all over the Times op-ed page. yeah, let’s ask all those Venezuelan sailors how dovish Donny is. oh wait, we can’t.
but I digress. let’s address Ezra Klein’s premise, that Preznit Fuckwit is cool.
tell me, Ezra, is this cool?
maybe — just maybe — if you’re one of those invisible giraffes Donny never tires of jerking off, it’s cool. otherwise? yeesh.
now here’s cool:
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
it was bad enough when Friday’s deadline came and went without Donny Convict’s corrupt Department of Justice releasing the full Epstein Files, as they were required to by law.
it was bad enough when the DOJ served us a slice of Go Fuck Yourself Pie by releasing less than one percent of the documents in their possession.
it was bad enough when hundreds upon hundreds of the documents they didrelease were completely blacked out and unreadable.
it was bad enough when it became obvious that what was released had been carefully curated to ensure there were almost zero references to Dear Leader.
NEW YORK (AP) — At least 16 files disappeared from the Justice Department’s public webpage for documents related to Jeffrey Epstein — including a photograph showing President Donald Trump — less than a day after they were posted, with no explanation from the government and no notice to the public.
stuff that was already on line is now disappearing — ‘with no explanation’ — because fuck you, that’s why. what part of ‘memory hole’ do you need explained to you?
fortunately for us, the internet never forgets — so we can give you at least one explanation:
someone done fucked up and accidentally posted a photo of Dear Leader posing with bikini-clad teenagers.
here’s ‘photo 468’ from the original collection that was posted on Friday.
let’s zoom in on the bottom left of that pic.
oh my. some bleary-eyed FBI Special Agent who’d spent a month working 20-hour days, scouring every photo for appearances of Dear Leader, missed this one.
photo 468 is now gone. if you click on the directory listing for it, you get an error message.
hey, it’s pretty weird how Jeffrey Epstein kept photos of Donny with teenage girls in his desk drawer, isn’t it? you don’t suppose Donny’s dead pedo bestie was planning on using that shit as kompromat, do you?
why? this photo has been in the public domain for years. we’ve all seen it a hundred times.
meanwhile, Donny’s minions are doing their best to smear Bill Clinton as the real criminal in the Epstein Saga. they front-loaded the first batch of the Dead Pedo Bestie Files with as many photos of Bill as they could.
here’s White House Deputy Press Secretary Abigail Johnson, gleefully implying that Clinton and Michael Jackson were cavorting with ‘victims and/or minors.’
“Per the Epstein Files Transparency Act, DOJ was specifically instructed only to redact the faces of victims and/or minors. Here is a picture of Bill Clinton with his arm around Michael Jackson, and redacted individuals.”
for fuck’s sake, this photo doesn’t even have anything to do with Jeffrey Epstein. it’s Clinton with Michael Jackson and his children, and Diana Ross and her son, taken at a fundraiser in DC in 2003.
look, if Bill Clinton was doing sick shit with minors, nail his ass to the wall. chuck him the fuck into prison and throw away the key. I don’t think you’ll find one person on the left who would say anything different. but don’t you dare gun up fake evidence.
that’s the difference between us and them. we want justice, no matter where the chips fall. they want Dear Leader protected at all costs.
tell me, when Donny sent that birthday card to his dead pedo bestie with the poem about the ‘wonderful secrets they shared,’ do you think this is what he was talking about?
here’s another question: do words even have meanings any more? I ask, because look at the twaddle Pam Bondi posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar. she’s proud of her fuckery. she’s calling the release of heavily-redacted documents ‘transparency.’
President Trump is leading the most transparent administration in American history.
By moving to unseal these documents, we hope to give the American people more answers about that fateful day in Butler, Pennsylvania. https://t.co/v7iH9sfpiW
come on, people. Jake doesn’t want to be scrolling though his phone, showing you redacted files. he’s got sixteen more books to write about how Joe Biden is icky and old and smells bad and probably doesn’t even realize that he’s already dead.
“talk about blacking out, I don’t know if we can get a close-up of my phone. this is one of the documents that the Justice Department released. it’s a hundred pages. this is what it looks like. it’s all black. it’s just one hundred pages of redaction. that’s the ‘transparency’ we’re getting here.”
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
Pam Bondi’s DOJ was required by law — one that Dear Leader signed — to release everything by December 19. there were no if, and, or buts. the law didn’t say if it was too hard to get the job done in time — let’s say because there were so many references to Donny that had to be scrubbed — they get a mulligan.
they’re not supposed to crap out some unreadable tiny fraction of the files and pinky-swear to release the rest of it any day now.
oh, look at me — flapping my futile gums about what these shitstains aren’tsupposed to do.
they’re not supposed to slap Dear Leader’s name on the Kennedy Center. they’re not supposed to detain US citizens for the crime of having the wrong color skin. they’re not supposed to have the military occupy American cities. and they’re sure as fuck not supposed to murder Venezuelan sailors for the high crime of being in a boat.
unfortunately, legal accountability for suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files is going to be hard to come by. sure, Congress could submit a criminal referral for obstruction of justice — but do you know who any such referral would be sent to? Pam Bondi. good luck with that.
“DEVELOPING: Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie say they’re drafting articles of impeachment against AG Pam Bondi over the illegal handling of the Epstein files. This just escalated fast. Accountability is coming.”
sounds like a plan.
hey Pam, you want to avoid that? fine, here’s all you have to do: release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking liar.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
