Category: Because It’s True

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Tiedrich Monday

all of us, as children, were fed a lot of fairy tales. you know the kind: princesses in castles, dragons, big bad wolves, yadda yadda.

but I remember one particular fairy tale that got drummed into our heads over and over, and it went like this: ‘America’s system of government is the greatest ever invented.’

it’s such an adorable story, isn’t it? but answer me this: if that were actually true, then how were the stupidest fucking morons in the universe able to break it so easily?

oh look, Preznit Fuckwit has a new superpower: crime-ray vision.

reporter: “have you ever threatened DOJ leadership if they don’t prosecute Letitia James?”

Donny: “no. I don’t do that. I don’t do that. I mean, I look at the facts like everybody else. you read the facts, and to me she looks terrible, she looks like she’s very guilty. but that’s going to be up to the DOJ.”

that’s how Donny’s crime-ray vision works. he can just look at someone and know they’re guilty — and here’s who looks ‘very guilty’ to Donny: Letitia James.

what would you imagine was the one aspect of Letitia James that in Donny’s mind makes her ‘look guilty’? it’s pretty weird how almost all the people who ‘look guilty’ to Donny have the same thing in common.

now, for the other part of Donny’s mouth-fart, where he claims he hasn’t pressured Pam Bondi to go after his political enemies, and that it will be entirely the DOJ’s call.

fact check: oh please, just fuck straight off. we all saw what you posted to your janky app, Donny. look how it ends, with a demand that Bondi ‘serve justice.’

if Donny didn’t write that, I’d love to know who did.

hey, maybe it was his autopen. yeah, that’s it — it was Donny’s out-of-control autopen. let’s go with that.

after all, with Donny, every accusation is a confession. so if Donny is accusing Joe Biden’s autopen of committing every crime under the sun, then I’m absolutely willing to believe that Donny’s entire life is being run by some fucked-up autopen, and— [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being told that now, for the first time, we can reveal a photo of Donny’s autopen. here it is:

oh. well, that explains a lot.

Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin’s has a superpower of his own: dumbfuck-ray vision.

Dana Bash: “he’s asking his attorney general in a public way to go after his political enemies. he’s very open about it. you’re okay with that?”

Mullin: “well, I think what we know is President Trump is very open and transparent with the American people, and he speaks his mind. that’s what his supporters love about him.”

you know, when MarkWayne Mullin goes on the Sunday shows, it’s as if all the stupid in that’s backed up in his head all week can’t wait to vomit itself out of his mouth. let’s call it projectile stupidity.

but here, in this one instance, Mullin is correct: Donny is in fact open and transparent. he lies in public. he crimes in public. he’s racist in public. all that shit is right out in the open, because fuck you, that’s why. being in-your-face horrific is Donny’s brand.

and yeah, MAGA does in fact gobble that shit right down. why? because Dear Leader has, by example, given the worst people in the world permission to be the worst versions of themselves.

which brings us to Laura Ingraham, because I’m pretty sure that the worst version of Laura is the only version there is.

“…including a Democrat congressional candidate who was thrown to the ground by an ICE agent. good work.”

nothing to see here, just some Fox News fuckhead gloating over a Democrat being assaulted by one of Donny’s masked thugs. this, during a week where Republicans went totally ape-shit over anyone who failed to be ‘respectful’ of the memory of Charlie Kirk.

so, I guess political violence is only bad when it’s directed at Republicans? silly me. do I even have to ask?

the less said about the Charliekirkpallooza in Arizona yesterday, the better — so I’m not going to talk about it at all, except to observe for the umpteenth time that Charlie Kirk did not deserve to be murdered. but at the same time, that didn’t make him a saint.

the one thing, however, that was too fucking surreal to ignore was President Worst Version’s entrance — with fireworks.

who does this? who considers this a dignified way take the stage during a memorial?

like everything else in this skeevy dipshit’s life, it’s gaudy, tasteless, crude — and entirely inappropriate.

and MAGA eats it right up — because it’s a fucking cult. the tackier Dear Leader is, the more they adore him. I swear, we’re living a real-life Idiocracy.

let’s just listen to a true American hero instead — Jasmine Crockett.

Dana Bash: “a resolution that came before the house this past week, honoring Charlie Kirk, and there were 58 Democrats who voted against it. you were one. why?”

Jasmine Crockett: “absolutely. you know what? one of the things I do want to point out that’s not been laid out, that honestly hurts my heart, is when I saw the ‘no’ votes, there were only two caucasians. for the most part, the only people who voted ‘no’ were people of color. because the rhetoric that Charlie Kirk continuously put out there, was rhetoric that specifically targeted people of color. and so it is unfortunate that even our colleagues cannot see how harmful his rhetoric was, specifically to us, and I can tell you that a month prior to him passing away, he had actually gotten out on his podcast — I wasn’t aware of this at the time — but he got out there and he was talking negatively specifically about me, directly. so if there was any way that I was going to honor somebody who decided that they were just going to negatively talk about me, and proclaim that I was somehow involved in the ‘great white replacement’? yea, I’m not honoring that kind of stuff, especially as a civil rights attorney, and understanding how I got to Congress, knowing that there were people that died, people that were willing to die, that worked to make sure that voices like mine could exist in this place … and it is unfortunate that more of my colleagues, on my side of the aisle, could not see the amount of harm that this man was attempting to inflict upon our communities.”

Rep. Crockett is right, and shame on every Democrat who allowed themselves to be peer-pressured into voting to honor a white supremacist.

it’s the start of a brand new week here, and maybe our country can finally get back to what’s important: release the full, unedited Epstein files, you fucking fucks.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Dear MAGA…

From Palmer Report:

Dear MAGA,

I’m writing this open letter to you in the hope that, after our nation has lost a decade trapped in a running debate over the merits of one man, perhaps we might finally reach some degree of understanding each other. You’ve been clinging to this one man so tightly that long after the rest of us got rid of him, exposed him, convicted him, and tried to move on from him, you put him back into power. So considering where we are right now, today, I’m wondering: are you proud of what you’ve done?

The American economy is in shambles. Inflation is worse than ever. Everyone’s grocery prices are more expensive than ever, including yours. This one man, who spent his previous four years showing that he had zero understanding of economics, has now done to the American economy exactly what we said he would do. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who has never been respected by those who knew him well, who displayed zero business acumen when he hosted a reality show about business, whose supposed financial prowess has been exposed to have been based on cooked books all along, who has always come off like a buffoon, who has spent the past few years babbling incoherently about sharks and fictional serial killers, and who obviously had dementia during his most recent campaign, is now barely able to walk in a straight line or speak a full sentence. You put a walking corpse back into the White House. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who has been dishonestly demonizing nonwhite Americans from literally day one of his foray into politics, now has masked thugs roaming the American streets and scooping up anyone who isn’t sufficiently white – including the ones whose families have been here longer than yours. Including the ones who did important labor in your town. Including the ones you liked. Including, in many cases, the ones who voted for him. You put a guy back into power who is now rounding up everyone who looks brown, even if they’re MAGA. You’ve unleashed an out of control masked gestapo onto our streets to not only assault nonwhite Americans, but to also assault peaceful protesters just for kicks. You’ve turned America into something that feels like mid period Nazi Germany. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who has spent his decade in politics talking about and encouraging political violence at every turn, has created such an unacceptably violent atmosphere in this nation that one of your own favorite sons was shamefully murdered for opening his mouth. And no, we had nothing to do with that. Charlie Kirk is dead because you MAGA folks insisted upon putting a violent thug of a former President back into power while he was awaiting criminal trial for trying to violently overthrow the government of the United States. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who is so profoundly insecure that he still acts like a crybaby even now that he’s the most powerful man in the world, is now bent on getting every comedian fired who has ever made a joke about him. This one man has now declared, in exact words, that comedians are not “allowed” to make jokes about him. Talk show hosts are no longer even allowed to state facts about which side murdered Charlie Kirk, or else they’ll lose their job. America’s most fundamental freedoms of speech and press are being ripped up in front of our faces because this one man is too fragile to take a joke. Are you proud of that?

America is at an all time low. Everyone is angry. Everyone is miserable. Everyone is afraid of what comes next. Everyone is worse off than they were eight months ago, including you MAGA folks. All because you couldn’t accept that your first four years of supporting the most destructive piece of shit in American history were a mistake. America is barely breathing because you couldn’t let go of one man, no matter how thoroughly we exposed him to you. Now we’ve been proven right about every single thing we ever said about him, yet we’re all still stuck with him. Are you proud of what you’ve done? Because you owe us one massive apology.

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The Week In Stupid From Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: peak Kirk

in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.

folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.

Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”

I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.

but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.

it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.

by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.

tuesday: they did what now?

of all the things that have never happened between two countries in conflict, here’s Tennessee Senator Bill Hagerty to hallucinate about the thing that never happened the most.

 

barely five years ago, China and India were fighting over a disputed border, and China used an electromagnetic weapon — they didn’t use bullets, but they used an electromagnetic weapon to literally melt Indian soldiers.”

seriously, Senator? what ‘electromagnetic weapon’ did the Chinese use? was it the Ark of the Covenant?

because we’ve all seen that famous documentary, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we’ve all seen what the Ark can do.

hey, wait a minute. that Ark is ours. according to the Indiana Jones documentary, it should be in storage in some massive warehouse.

 

did those fucking Chinese steal the Ark of the Covenant from us? we must demand it be returned. Mr. President, we must not allow an Ark of the Covenant gap!

wednesday: new Biden scandal drops

stop the presses! tear up page one, and start all over — because that dastardly fuckhead Joe Biden has done it again.

Laura Ingraham: “he’s been out of office for almost eight months now, but every now and again, Joe Biden wanders out into public view — and that ice cream moment only reminds us that his entire presidency was built on lies.”

Joe Fucking Biden. how dare he eat ice cream, and remind us of how he brought us out of the pandemic and then gave us four years of prosperity?

but wait — how do we even know that is Joe Biden in that clip? what if Biden’s autopen has achieved self-awareness, and is now going out by itself, in Joe’s place?

confess, autopen — what have you done with the real Joe Biden?

I think we’re going to have to hold some hearings about this. hey, James Comer, are you listening?

whoops, it looks like Comer Fudd is busy right now.

the only thing you need to know about Fox’s creepy obsession with Joe Biden is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

thursday: I never forget a face

it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.

that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”

Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —

and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.

so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?

remember, you’re under oath.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

some fucking idiot’s day started off badly, with a judge throwing out his ludicrous $15 billion lawsuit against The New York Times. no, wait — the judge didn’t just throw it out, he laughed it out.

The judge, who was appointed by President George H.W. Bush, called the complaint “decidedly improper and impermissible” and took Trump’s lawyers to task for using a legal complaint as a public forum for abusive language.

but that didn’t stop the fucking idiot from holding a press appearance where he insisted that losing is actually winning.

once again, the fucking idiot failed to understand how the First Amendment works.

and once again, the fucking idiot was rude to the press.

the fucking idiot blithered about Joe Biden’s autopen. wait until he finds out that Joe’s autopen has been going out by itself and buying ice cream.

here’s a new wrinkle. the fucking idiot now has a bug up his ass about retaking Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, which I guess is a thing we’ll do right after we’re finished annexing Canada and invading Greenland.

throughout the entire presser, the fucking idiot kept his rotting hand hidden.

later, fucking idiot then announced that he’d blown up another boat — once again, without providing any proof of his outlandish claims.

and not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Thursday Tiedrich

no, seriously. fuck you, ABC. fuck all the way off. start fucking off over here, and then just fuck yourself all the way over to there — and then keep on going, until you’ve fucked yourself right to the very edge of the universe.

and when you get there, eat the bowl of fuck that’s waiting for you.

if those previous two sentences seem familiar to you, that’s because — with the exception of substituting ABC for CBS — it’s how I opened my July 20, 2025 post, ‘CBS can pretty much fuck all the way off.’

and now, two months later, here we are all over again.

ABC announced on Wednesday evening that it was pulling Jimmy Kimmel’s late night show “indefinitely” after conservatives accused the longtime host of inaccurately describing the politics of the man who is accused of fatally shooting the right-wing activist Charlie Kirk.

unlike with CBS’s shitcanning of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, ABC and their parent company, Disney, aren’t even pretending to come up with some bullshit cover story about canceling the show for ‘financial reasons.’ no, they’re straight up admitting they just folded like a pack of cards.

“In the hours leading up to the decision to pull Jimmy Kimmel, two sources familiar with the matter say, senior executives at ABC, its owner Disney, and affiliates convened emergency meetings to figure out how to minimize the damage. Multiple execs felt that Kimmel had not actually said anything over the line, the two sources say, but the threat of Trump administration retaliation loomed.”

hey, do you know why ‘multiple execs felt that Kimmel had not actually said anything over the line’? because he fucking well didn’t cross any lines, that’s why.

here’s what Kimmel did say.

“we hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them, and doing everything they can to score political points from it. in between the finger-pointing, there was grieving. on Friday, the White House flew the flags at half staff which got some criticism but on a human level you can see how hard the president is taking this.”

Kimmel then plays the clip of Donny being asked how he’s ‘dealing with this loss of a friend,’ and blithering in response about his awesome new White House ballroom. Kimmel then concludes,

“yes, he’s at the fourth stage of grief: construction. demolition, construction. this is not how an adult grieves the murder of somebody he called a friend. this is how a four-year-old mourns a goldfish.”

just a late-night comedian, doing late-night comedian things. the horror.

let’s get real: Kimmel’s suspension has nothing to do with Charlie Kirk. that’s just a convenient pretext. the real reason is that the Mad King has had a grudge-shaped bug up his ass about Jimmy Kimmel Live since forever, because — just as with Colbert — Kimmel’s been using his show to mock Donny for years. the horror.

imagine being so thin-skinned and broken-inside that you can’t take a joke — that it ruins your entire day if someone mocks you. welcome to the fucked-up psyche of your average fascist. only Dear Leader gets to make jokes — at other peoples’ expense.

and now, with the entire media bending over backwards so as not to appear disrespectful of Charlie Kirk, what better time for Donny to settle a long-festering grievance?

“Frankly, when you see stuff like this — I mean, we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” FCC Chair Brendan Carr told the podcast’s host, Benny Johnson. “These companies can find ways to change conduct and take action, frankly, on Kimmel, or there’s going to be additional work for the F.C.C. ahead.”

‘the easy way or the hard way’? who talks like this? my god, every single one of Donny’s henchmen sounds like a cartoon mobster.

ABC and Disney just rolled right the fuck over and complied. it’s pure cowardice. here’s what I wrote two months ago about CBS and Paramount. again, you can swap in ABC and Disney.

CBS and Paramount are being cowards — and we don’t need any cowards right now. we’re all stocked up with cowards. we’ve got cowards up the yin-yang.

heroes, that’s what we’re in desperate need of.

no one ever went to bed with fascism and came up smelling like roses.

no one ever said gee, I’m so glad that faceless corporation collaborated with fascists.

fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how Paramount slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’

the people we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’

unlike Colbert, who’s being allowed to continue his show until his contract runs out in May 2026, Kimmel’s show has already been yanked off the air. when will it return? no one knows. what is ABC airing in its place? who fucking cares, that’s what.

maybe ABC can just rerun old episodes of The Apprentice in place of Jimmy Kimmel Live. no, wait — why don’t they cancel every show, and just air The Apprentice all day long? I’ll bet Dear Leader would love that.

I understand it’s a great show. possibly the greatest show of all time. a show like no one’s ever seen. I’m told that big, strong network programming executives, tears in their eyes, come up to Donny all the time and say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever had a catchphrase like “you’re fired” before. how do you do it? sir!’

hey, you know who still has his show? this sociopath.

Brian Fucking Kilmeade, who absolutely covered himself in glory last week when he opined that the ‘solution’ to the issue of homeless Americans is just to kill them all.

Kilmeade gets to stay on the air and vomit vile hatred to his heart’s content, while Jimmy Kimmel is cordially invited to go fuck himself.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s —
speaking truth to power, 0
calling for the slaughter of the powerless, 1

this is some bullshit.

let’s give the final word on this topic to former Obama advisor and current podcast host Dan Pfeiffer.

“The amount of cowardice being shown by the corporate media is galling If the press won’t fight for the First Amendment, who will?”

who, indeed?

when I told Ms. Spouse I was writing about Jimmy Kimmel today, she sighed and said, ‘can’t you write about Melania’s hat?’ — and the answer is yes. yes I can.

ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the spectacle of what Dear Leader’s Slovenian trophy wife wore to meet the King and Queen of England.

in case you can’t find her in this photo, she’s standing to the right of Camilla. what is she wearing? is she trying to scare Donny into thinking the Grim Reaper’s finally come for him?

and, once again, as Jesus sagely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Midweek Tiedrich

the British people — they’re so polite. so thoughtful. so caring and compassionate. amazing hosts.

Little Donny Fuckface is in England right now, spending the next two days at Windsor Castle — and the locals have spared no effort to make America’s Mad King feel not just welcomed, but loved.

the Brits know that Donny gets homesick every time he leaves his native land, so they’re making sure that no matter where Donny goes during his visit, he’ll always be reminded of his dead pedo bestie.

Ahead of the U.S. president’s arrival in London on Tuesday, Sept. 16, a British activist group unfurled a massive banner featuring an image of Trump with Jeffrey Epstein on the path leading to Windsor Castle, where the president and first lady Melania Trump will spend a significant portion of their visit.

isn’t that sweet? the British people wanted nothing more than for Donny to be able to look out the windows of Windsor Castle and go ‘there he is. we shared so many wonderful secrets together.’

as advertised, the fucking thing is ginormous.

and — oh look! — the activist group Led By Donkeys is projecting a ‘Donny and his dead pedo bestie’s greatest hits’ slide show onto the side of the Castle.

I sure hope Donny thanks them for their attention to this matter.

we definitely need to gif that shit, for posterity’s sake.

someone even put Epstein merch on display in the Windsor Castle gift shop.

thank you, England, for going the extra mile (kilometer?) and Making Dead Pedo Besties Great Again.

now, let’s go live inside Windsor Castle and get Melania’s reaction to all this Epsteinstalgia.

I hope getting to relive a few of his most treasured moments calmed Donny down a bit, because he sure was touchy while he was on his way to Fuckface Force One.

reporter: “should a president in office be engaged in so much business activity?”

Donny: “I’m really not. my kids are running the business. you know what the activity— where are you from?”

reporter: “I’m from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.”

Donny: “you’re hurting Australia right— in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now. and they want to get along with me. you know, your— your leader is coming over to see me very soon. I’m going to tell them about you. you set a very bad tone. quiet.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. listen to this whiny, petulant child. ‘in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now.’

yeah, we’ll, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

I’m sorry, but are we on the front lawn of the White House, or are we on a kindergarten playground? it’s really hard to tell, with President Diaperload bellyaching like a toddler who got his fee-fees hurt. ‘you said a bad thing. I’m going to tell on you, and then you’ll be sorry.’ how fucking mature.

you do that, Donny. I’m sure that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese gives a shit that one of ‘his’ reporters was very, very mean to you. let’s go live to Australia, right now, for the PM’s reaction.

oh wait, President Sorehead isn’t finished braying like a jackass.

reporter: “what do you think of Pam Bondi saying she’s going to go after hate speech? a lot of your allies say hate speech is free speech.”

Donny: “she’ll probably go after people like you, because you treat me so unfairly, it’s hate. you have a lot of hate in your heart. maybe they’ll come after ABC.”

welcome to the new normal, where both Dear Leader and Pam Bondi labor under the mistaken impression that being mean to conservatives is somehow against the law.

spoiler alert: no she fucking can’t.

who knows, maybe Pam Bondi and Jeanine Pirro are having a contest to see who can produce the most failed prosecutions — because no grand jury in the universe is going to approve an indictment against some dude who wouldn’t print a poster.

in fact, let’s go live right now, to one of those grand jurors, for his reaction.

Bondi and Donny are so high on their own supply right now — and that reporter Donny threatened is right. conservatives are not happy with Bondi.

Matt Walsh’s head is about to explode right now.

okay, all the dumbfuckery about ‘left wing terror cells’ is batshit insane, and very par for Matt’s course — but that first bit, about firing Pam Bondi for her prosecutorial overreach? man, it’s heartbreaking.

Donny hasn’t blown any Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water today (as far as we know), which is def a good thing — because even Republicans are starting to go dude, what the fuck?

The Trump administration is facing growing calls from former government officials — including some in Republican administrations — to offer a legal justification for President Donald Trump’s two missile strikes this month on boats allegedly piloted by members of a Venezuelan drug cartel.

Those experts say the use of such force outside of war blurs the legal distinction between law enforcement and military actions and comes amid calls on Capitol Hill to curtail Trump’s military powers.

here’s the beauty part. check out who gets quoted in this article.

“There has to be a line between crime and war,” said John Yoo, a former deputy assistant attorney general under President George W. Bush. “We can’t just consider anything that harms the country to be a matter for the military. Because that could potentially include every crime.”

John Fucking Yoo. there’s name you probably haven’t heard in years.

in case you don’t remember John Yoo, he was the author of the famous ‘torture memo’ that provided George W. Bush with a “legal” justification for all the evil shit that went on in places like Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

yeah, that guy. Mister Human Rights.

you know you’ve royally fucked up when the bro who told Bush that it was totes okay to repeatedly waterboard the shit out of innocent Afghani goat herders says that lobbing missiles at fishermen is a bridge too far.

oh my god, could the worst fucking people in the world please stop breaking my heart?

 

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Sometimes I really think 2019 was the last normal year of our lives and ever since, it feels like we’ve slipped into some alternate reality where nothing makes sense, everyone is on edge, time moves too fast yet too slow, and the world we knew just doesn’t exist anymore.

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

even though signs point to the shitbag who killed Charlie Kirk being a far-right ‘groyper’ with a rifle and a grudge, Republicans fanned out on the Sunday shows yesterday with the singular message of ‘Democrats, this is all your fault, because reasons.’

let us document the atrocities.

let’s start with the limpest dick in American politics, House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson. Holy Mike’s complaint is why do Democrats alla time have to be so mean?

“people have got to stop framing simple policy disagreements in terms of existential threats to our democracy. you can’t call the other side fascists and enemies of the state and not understand that there are some deranged people in our society who will take that as cues to act.”

the fucking nerve of this guy. Holy Mike is pissing on all of our heads right now, and going ‘mmm, doesn’t that refreshing rain feel great?’

tell us, Mike, what are these ‘simple policy disagreements’ that ‘our side’ is blowing all out of shape? is it ‘should the US military invade a state,’ is that a simple disagreement? how about ‘should states redraw their maps in order to rig elections’? oh, here’s one: ‘should a president get to declare that he “has the right to do anything he wants”’?

maybe it’s just me, but all those things sound absolutely like ‘existential threats to our democracy.’

spoiler alert: yes, these are indeed literal existential threats to democracy. Donny Convict believes he should have all the power, and should be above the law at all times. he wants to remain in office indefinitely. all of this is fundamentally anti-American. our founders would shit their breeches if they could see what has become of their ‘grand experiment.’

Holy Mike wants to downplay all that. c’mon, he says, it’s just two sides bickering. what’s with all the rhetoric?

hey, Mike — is this your guy?

help me here, is ‘should Liz Cheney face a firing squad’ a ‘simple policy disagreement’?

now Mike, what was that were you saying about how it’s unacceptable to call someone a fascist? I’m asking because ABC News has put together a supercut of the numerous times that Donny Convict has done exactly that.

in one of those clips, Donny calls Kamala Harris a “marxist communist fascist socialist.”

how does that even work? what are the tenets of marxocommunofascosocialism? I’d really love to know.

oh, you don’t want to be called ‘Nazi’? it hurts your fee-fees? then stop pulling shit like this:

let’s move on Donny’s personal lapdog, Lindsey Graham.

Old Linz is very sad right now, because things just aren’t like they used to be, back in them there good old days.

 

“this is viewed by many people in the MAGA movement, conservatives like myself, as an attack on the movement, and not just traditional political violence, and I really believe that.”

wait wait wait wait wait wait JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE HERE.

‘traditional political violence,’ what’s that? is there some Grand Old Tradition of Acceptable Political Violence, some halcyon time that Old Linz here would like to return to?

might it be the good old days when you’d use a flagpole to beat the shit out of a cop because you were mad about losing an election?

how about when neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville, and chanted ‘Jews will not replace us’? Dear Leader literally called these shitheads ‘very fine people.’

was this ‘traditional political violence’? or was it a ‘simple policy disagreement’ over ‘should Jews replace us, or what?’

politics can be so confusing!

here’s a fun chart, created by Alex Nowrasteh of the right-wing Cato Institute. blue is left-wing political violence, and red is right-wing political violence, categorized by each decade from 1975 to now.

I’m seeing a lot more red than blue.

(Alex explains his methodology in a long substack post here.)

I’d love for Lindsey Graham to tell us which decade had the most traditionalpolitical violence. I’m guessing it’s 1995–2004.

here are a lot of things that have never happened to Crown Prince of the Library Paste Eaters, Eric Trump — but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assert that the story we’re about to hear is the thing that has never happened to Eric Trump the most.

“as I was showing up to the studio, there was an older Jamaican man who came up to me in very broken English and said, ‘Mr Trump, I’m very sorry about Charlie Kirk. he was an amazing Christian. I am Charlie Kirk.’”

isn’t that cute? Eric is trying to tell a ‘sir’ story — and he’s so fucking bad at it.

so, this ‘older Jamaican man,’ his massive biceps rippling in the morning sun, tears of gratitude streaming down his age-lined face, came up to Eric Trump and spoke ‘very broken English’?

why would his English be broken? English is the official language of Jamaica.

come on, you know that if some Jamaican dude wandered up to Eric, the first thing Eric would do would be to shout ‘get away from me, I don’t have any money’ — and then tell his Secret Service detail to ‘get this guy outta here.’

lastly, let’s check in with the fuckwit who knows more about numbers than all the number-counter-thingy people.

reporter: “the president of Venezuela called the strike on the boat illegal. are you concerned that Maduro might escalate something?”

Donny: “what’s illegal are the drugs that were on the boat, and the drugs that are being sent into our country, and the fact that 300 million people died last year from drugs.”

dear lord. can somebody please get Donny a pudding cup and help him to bed? he’s sundowning again.

I have a question for President Math Whiz, and it goes like this: if the United States has a total population of 340 million people, and 300 million of them die from illegal drugs, leaving 40 million people, and then the price of prescription drugs is lowered by 1,500%, what is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,994th day.

despite their high-minded tut-tut harrumph-harrumph rhetoric, none of these Republican shitweasels actually wants healing, or an end to divisiveness. keeping us all at each other’s throats works in their favor. do you know what’s written on page one of the Oligarchs’ Playbook?

‘keep the people ignorant and fighting each other, and they won’t notice the plutocrats picking their pockets.’

but there is one thing that whole country can in fact unite over: release the full Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

it’s what Charlie Kirk would have wanted.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Monday

hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day. I’ll be back tomorrow with the usual full-length documentation of all the atrocities.

let’s listen as America’s self-appointed puppy perforator drags reality out back to the gravel pit and puts one right between its eyes.

Noem: “but we will continue to go after the worst of the worst across the country like President Trump has told us to do. we’re focusing on those that are perpetuating murder and rape and trafficking of drugs and humans across our country. every single citizen deserves to be safe.”

Ed O’Keefe: “part of what distinguished the Los Angeles operations, however, is that National Guard Troops were there, in essence, protecting or backing up those federal agents as they were conducting operations. is that what we should expect to see in Chicago?”

Noem: “I do know that LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action.”

oh, please, Kristi — fuck off. fact check:

thank you, Governor.

Everything Is Broken And Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ is a fever-swamp fairy tale straight out of the authoritarian’s playbook — and it’s just lies piled on top of lies.

ICE thugs hiding in the back of a rented van in a Home Depot parking lot and ambushing any random brown person who happens to wander by isn’t ‘going after the worst of the worst’ — it’s just straight-up racism, that’s all it is.

nannies, farm workers, cleaning ladies, firefighters and food truck operators don’t have side gigs doing murders and rapes, no matter how much ICE Barbie insists they do. and what’s all this horse shit about ‘LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action’ by sending in the Guard?

let’s saunter down memory lane, and review just what went on with the National Guard in Los Angeles — because the firehose of fuckery from these shitweasels is so unrelenting that it’s easy to forget what happened only three months ago.

one sunny morning in early June,

Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.

On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.

protesters then confronted ICE — and it cannot be over-stressed that the protests were confined to a microscopic section of LA (circled in red below):

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

none of it was necessary. it was just performative fascism.

and now we’re seeing this Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ clownfuckery being repeated in Washington DC, where Guard troops who were sent to deal with another imaginary crime wave are now raking leaves and hauling garbage.

in a few weeks, these Guard, too, will be sent home, after having their time, training — and taxpayer money — completely wasted.

as with Los Angeles, none of this is necessary. it’s just pure, performative police state fascism.

now, we’re about to see this pomp and stupidity play out a third time, in Chicago — because once again, Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™.

which brings us to one of our heroes in all this, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.

“no one in the administration — the president, or anybody under him — has called anyone in my administration, or me, and have not called the city of Chicago, or anyone else. so it’s clear that in secret, they’re planning this— well, it’s an invasion, with US troops, if they in fact do that. they other thing is, they ought to be coordinating with local law enforcement. they ought to let us know when they’re coming, where they’re coming, if it’s ICE, or it it’s ATF, whoever it is. but they don’t want to do that, either. and I must say, it’s disruptive, it’s dangerous, it tends to inflame passions on the ground, when they don’t let us know what their plans are, when we can’t coordinate with them.”

this, my friends, is the difference between representative government and fascism for fascism’s sake.

if Donny and his merry band of shithole goons were actually interested in mitigating all this supposed crime happening in Chicago, they’d be coordinating the fuck out of the whole operation. right now, there would be a hundred conference calls a day happening between Chicago and DC. ‘ok, let’s figure out where the crime is, and where to best deploy.’ every last detail would be worked out in advance.

but none of that shit is going on, because the Mad King could give a fuck about actually fighting crime. what he wants is a fascistic display of force. what he wants is dominance — because deep down inside, Donny is an emotionally-scarred little boy who never got over being told what a weak piece of shit he was by his tyrant Klansman father, and now he’s going to make the entire world suffer as a result.

it’s all so fucked up. this is what happens when you let the most broken-inside person ever to walk the face of the earth hold the reins of power.

Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™? yeah, right.

now let’s circle back to Little Ms Hair Extensions — because I’m so old, I remember when the woman who is now so hot for the National Guard to invade every state was actually against federalizing the Guard.

“If Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”

oh, I see. federalizing the Guard is bad when Joe Biden does it, but good when Dear Leader does it.

let me guess why Kristi feels this way: because reasons. did I guess right? what do I win?

now here’s a spoiler alert: Joe Biden never federalized the National Guard. he never even threatened to. what he did want was for Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, to remove the razor-wire booby traps he’d put in the Rio Grande.

Biden had a legit beef: what kind of fucked-up monster gleefully endangers lives? make no mistake — people actual died in those booby traps.

every Republican completely lost their shit over Joe’s objection to the human rights abuses going on at the border, and accused him of wanting to do the very thing that Dear Leader is actually doing right now — in ICE Barbie’s own words, a direct attack on states’ rights.

fucking hypocrites, every last one of them.

oh, and here’s the best reply to Noem’s tweet.

well, it’s 1,418 words and three hours since I sat down at the laptop and wrote ‘hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day.’

I really did try to crank out a quick one, but it look like I suck at short. have a great Labor Day, everyone. see you tomorrow.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Sunday

the poet Carl Sandburg famously described Chicago as the ‘City of the Big Shoulders.’ he also called it —

Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation’s Freight Handler

if old Carl were writing that poem today, he’d have to add a new line — because Chicago has now become the city of Go Fuck Yourself, Donny Convict.

oh look — America’s Mad King isn’t the only person who gets to sign executive orders.

The mayor of Chicago has signed an order detailing how the city will resist a potential immigration crackdown threatened by the Trump administration.

“We do not need nor want an unconstitutional and illegal military occupation of our city,” said Mayor Brandon Johnson, a Democrat. The order directs city agencies on how to respond to possible immigration enforcement actions.

do not fuck with the Hog Butcher for the World, Donny. they’re busy Stacking Wheat and Making Tools. they don’t have time for your fascist bullshit.

good for the mayor. he’s making plans. he sees what’s going on in DC, and what went on in Los Angeles, and he’s getting all proactive. most importantly, Mayor Johnson has ordered the Chicago Police Department not to aid and abet Donny’s storm troopers.

let’s listen to some highlights from the speech the mayor gave yesterday.

“I do not take this executive action lightly. I would have preferred to work in a more collaborative approach. I would have preferred to do with work with our allies in the city council to pass legislation, ultimately — and we were doing just that. some of the leaders who we are working with are standing behind me today. but unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of time. we have received credible reports that we have days, not weeks, before our city sees some type of militarized activity by the federal government.”

“our people have not asked for this. but nevertheless, we find ourselves having to respond to this.”

“I’m signing an executive order today that will launch the Protecting Chicago Initiative. this is a project that builds on the months of preparation we have done that has led up to this very moment. Protecting Chicago will ensure that every Chicagoan knows their rights, that every single family is prepared, and every part of city government is directed to protect the people of Chicago from federal action. this sweeping executive order directs our Department of Law to pursue any and every legal mechanism to hold this administration accountable for violating the rights of Chicagoans. this order affirms that the Chicago Police Department will no collaborate with military personnel, on police patrols or civil immigration enforcement. we will not have our police officers, who are working hard every single day to drive down crime, deputized to do traffic stops and checkpoints for the president. this order affirms that CPD officers will be directed to wear CPD uniforms, and refrain from wearing masks, so that residents can clearly distinguish them from federal agents.”

“we do not want to see tanks in our streets. we do not want to see families ripped apart. we do not want grandmothers thrown into the back of unmarked vans. we don’t want to see homeless Chicagoans harassed or disappeared by federal agents. we don’t want to see Chicagoans arrested for sitting on their porch. it’s not who we are as a city, and that’s not who we are as a nation. my team and I have spoken to the governor, the county president, and with our federal delegation, and we are in complete alignment. the time for action is now.”

okay, that was pretty long — so if you chose to scroll past it, here are the bullet points:

      • City department of law are directed to pursue every legal mechanism, to resist unconstitutional efforts & hold them accountable
      • Demands Trump stand down from deploying the military in Chicago
      • Chicago PD not to wear masks or collaborate with ICE on patrols, arrests, or immigration enforcement

that last one is the biggie. Americans have a right to know who is legitimate law enforcement, and who is one of Donny’s goons.

we are through the looking glass, folks. this is what it’s come to: a mayor of a major city now has to protect his constituents from a lawless federal government.

our founders would be shitting their breeches if they could see what’s become of their grand experiment in representational democracy.

in the city of the big shoulders, Mayor Johnson’s are fucking huge right now. the mayor is a brave man, and he has earned our support.

hey, remember how, all through Joe Biden’s presidency, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press treated Joe as if he were old and icky and probably already dead? for fuck’s sake, they even turned his shoes into a major scandal.

 

oh my god, a seventy-nine-year-old, choosing to wear shoes that provide additional support. the horror.

remember how in 2016, the Email Lady tripped on a curb, and the worthless scribs pretty much wrote her obituary on the spot?

spoiler alert: nine years later, Hillary Clinton is very much alive.

given all that, wouldn’t it be awesome if the press paid that much attention to current President Cankles McRottinghand’s obvious physical and cognitive decline?

Donny’s been virtually missing in action for days. he’s been avoiding the press — he hasn’t spoken with them since his cabinet meeting last Tuesday. that’s really bizarre behavior from the attention hog who generally can’t go a single day without gibbering like a loon to a roomful of reporters.

yesterday, he was photographed leaving the White House, on his way to his Virginia golf motel — but he didn’t stop to talk to the press.

so what the fuck is going on? why is Donny in hiding? what is the White House not telling us? why does Couchfuck McGee feel the need to reassure everyone that he’s totally prepared to step into Donny’s demented shoes?

above all, why is our media so unconcerned about this? these are the same people who would shit a brick if Joe Biden went two days without talking to them.

Donny — who never shuts the fuck up — has now gone silent for five days, and not one reporter seems interested in what should be a major story. in fact, they all pretty much orgasmed on the spot over yesterday’s photo of Donny gingerly shuffling towards his waiting limo. they fell all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to assure everyone that Donny was still alive.

oh, and MAGA is totally incensed that anyone would dare speculate about why Donny is suddenly nowhere to be found.

“It’s sickening to see so many leftists on social media spreading false rumors about President Trump and his health. The Democrats have no class.”

yo, Brig — is this you?

I’m sorry, Brig, what was that you were saying about having no class?

oh look, Sundowning Uncle Crazypants has slithered out of his spider hole long enough to tweet out this nonsense:

what’s coming that’s so unstoppable, Big Guy? is it the Epstein Files?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.