So far I have seen none among our military that were sent into American cities.
Vomiting It All Up
Tuesday Tiedrich
ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for a decree of the utmost importancefrom Donny J. Convict, President of the United States, King of the Americas, Ruler of Our Great Oceans and Plentipotentary for All of Planet Earth and the Stars Beyond.
‘The NFL has to get rid of that ridiculous looking new Kickoff Rule. How can they make such a big and sweeping change so easily and quickly. It’s at least as dangerous as the “normal” kickoff, and looks like hell. The ball is moving, and the players are not, the exact opposite of what football is all about. “Sissy” football is bad for America, and bad for the NFL! Who comes up with these ridiculous ideas? It’s like wanting to “roll back” the golf ball so it doesn’t go (nearly!) as far. Fortunately, college football will remain the same, hopefully forever!!’
folks, I regret to inform you that this is not one of Gavin Newsom’s awesome parody tweets. nope, this batshit post is one hundred percent from the deteriorating brain of Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants — who, apparently, knows more about sportsball than all the sportsballers.
imagine being such a small and petty grievance-baby that everything annoys you. windmills. low-flush toilets. not enough ugly golden filigree in the Oval Office. late-night TV hosts. laws against domestic violence. football.
you would imagine that the very job of being president of a large country would keep one too occupied with actual pressing matters to worry about some rule change in a sport. but I guess when you’ve delegated executive authority to Norferatu McGoebbels and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, it gives you all the time in the world to bellyache about inconsequential minutiae.
fortunately for the NFL, they don’t have to do shit about Donny’s whining, because he forgot to thank them for their attention to this matter — which means it’s not a legally-binding decree. it’s right there in Article II of the Constitution, in the Very Special Boy Clause that John Roberts scribbled in the margins, when no one was looking.
apparently it’s the same clause that allows Donny — without proof, or actual legal authority — to blow Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water, killing who the fuck even cares how many civilians, they’re Venezuelans.
I’m guessing that the extrajudicial killing of foreign civilians is addictive — kind of like a drug — because Donny done gone and blowed up a second Venezuelan fishing boat.
once again, Donny has decided that he gets to kill whoever he wants, because reasons. and notice what he does here: he unilaterally reclassifies drugs as ‘deadly weapons’ — presumably so he can justify using US military might against what could very well end up being another unarmed Venezuelan fishing boat. I wonder which one of Donny’s ace team of parking garage lawyers came up with that flimsy rationale.
and, once again, Donny offers no tangible proof that this ship was operated by a cartel — or was transporting drugs — beyond his say-so.
reporter: “what can you tell us about this Venezuelan boat that was taken out, and do you plan to provide proof that these were narco terrorists who were on the way to the US?”
Donny: “we have proof. all you have to do is look at the cargo that was— like, it’s spattered all over the ocean. big bags of cocaine and fentanyl all over the place.”
excuse me, big bags of what? here’s a screencap of the video Donny provided in his not-tweet. do you see any ‘big bags of cocaine and fentanyl all over the place’? I don’t. all I see is a boat on fire.
what the fuck is Donny blithering about?
wait a minute. Donny, are these bags of cocaine and fentanyl in the room with us right now? is that why we’re not seeing them in the video? are these ginormous drugbags saying ‘sir, sir! thank for blowing us all the fuck to hell! no one polices the waterways like you do, sir!’
so, Donny’s not going to offer us any proof, other than his say-so, and a blurry video. I guess when you’re King of the Americas and Ruler of All Our Great Oceans, they just let you.
here’s a fun fact about Venezuela and fentanyl.
Venezuela plays virtually no role in the fentanyl trade.
Fentanyl is almost entirely produced in Mexico with chemicals imported from China, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the Justice Department and the Congressional Research Service. Mexico is close to the U.S. market, and Mexican cartels already control many fentanyl smuggling routes.
fentanyl doesn’t come from Venezuela — and unlike Colombian cocaine, it’s not even routed through Venezuela.
so please, Donny, tells us again about the big bags of imaginary fentanyl in the water. I love a good fairy tale, don’t you? especially when the moral is fear for your life.
“we have noticed that there are no ships in the ocean any more. that there’s like, no ships, when the first one we went— hundreds of boats. now there are no boats. I wonder why. meaning, no drugs are coming across. probably stopping some fishermen too. to be honest about it, if I were a fisherman, I wouldn’t want to go fishing either. just a nice, let’s take a little trip, because [laughs] I’d say, ‘man, if they— maybe they think I have drugs downstairs. I don’t want that—’ I think the fishing business has probably been hurt. but there are literally no boats. this was a boat, and we were surprised to see it.”
Jesus H. Christ on a Venezuelan fishing boat, who the fuck talks like this? psychopaths, that’s who. check out how Donny laughs maniacally as he muses about how he’s scaring the shit out of terrified fisherman. this is all a big joke to him. ha ha!
hey fisherman — duck! oops, too late. looks like you blowed up real good. ha ha!
I don’t have to tell you just how fucking evil this is. we’re no longer just an international laughingstock. we’re now a lawless, sadistic pariah as well. lucky us.
also: ‘there are literally no boats’? fact check:
what is Donny talking about? each of those triangles is a ship, and — spoiler alert — they are in the room with us right now. there are hundreds of craft in the waters around Venezuela. once again, Donny is just making shit up, blithering idiotically, cackling like a cartoon villian, lying to the press — and every one of these worthless scribblers is bobbing their head and going ‘well, I guess so’ as Donny jokes about slaughtering fishermen.
this is probably a good time to remind every reporter that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,995th day.
by the way, did you notice how President Rottinghand keeps covering up his rotting hand?
oh, there we go. yeesh, that’s nasty. and it’s getting worse.
h, and speaking of covering up, there seems to be another large object in the waters south of our country.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
He DOES NOT Care
As if there was any doubt whatsoever…
Vomiting It All Up
Apologies for this onslaught, They’ve been collecting in my downloads folder for a week and a half.
Sad But True
Tiedrich Monday
hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day. I’ll be back tomorrow with the usual full-length documentation of all the atrocities.
let’s listen as America’s self-appointed puppy perforator drags reality out back to the gravel pit and puts one right between its eyes.
Noem: “but we will continue to go after the worst of the worst across the country like President Trump has told us to do. we’re focusing on those that are perpetuating murder and rape and trafficking of drugs and humans across our country. every single citizen deserves to be safe.”
Ed O’Keefe: “part of what distinguished the Los Angeles operations, however, is that National Guard Troops were there, in essence, protecting or backing up those federal agents as they were conducting operations. is that what we should expect to see in Chicago?”
Noem: “I do know that LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action.”
oh, please, Kristi — fuck off. fact check:
thank you, Governor.
Everything Is Broken And Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ is a fever-swamp fairy tale straight out of the authoritarian’s playbook — and it’s just lies piled on top of lies.
ICE thugs hiding in the back of a rented van in a Home Depot parking lot and ambushing any random brown person who happens to wander by isn’t ‘going after the worst of the worst’ — it’s just straight-up racism, that’s all it is.
nannies, farm workers, cleaning ladies, firefighters and food truck operators don’t have side gigs doing murders and rapes, no matter how much ICE Barbie insists they do. and what’s all this horse shit about ‘LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action’ by sending in the Guard?
let’s saunter down memory lane, and review just what went on with the National Guard in Los Angeles — because the firehose of fuckery from these shitweasels is so unrelenting that it’s easy to forget what happened only three months ago.
one sunny morning in early June,
Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.
On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.
protesters then confronted ICE — and it cannot be over-stressed that the protests were confined to a microscopic section of LA (circled in red below):
most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.
most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.
none of it was necessary. it was just performative fascism.
and now we’re seeing this Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ clownfuckery being repeated in Washington DC, where Guard troops who were sent to deal with another imaginary crime wave are now raking leaves and hauling garbage.
in a few weeks, these Guard, too, will be sent home, after having their time, training — and taxpayer money — completely wasted.
as with Los Angeles, none of this is necessary. it’s just pure, performative police state fascism.
now, we’re about to see this pomp and stupidity play out a third time, in Chicago — because once again, Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™.
which brings us to one of our heroes in all this, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.
“no one in the administration — the president, or anybody under him — has called anyone in my administration, or me, and have not called the city of Chicago, or anyone else. so it’s clear that in secret, they’re planning this— well, it’s an invasion, with US troops, if they in fact do that. they other thing is, they ought to be coordinating with local law enforcement. they ought to let us know when they’re coming, where they’re coming, if it’s ICE, or it it’s ATF, whoever it is. but they don’t want to do that, either. and I must say, it’s disruptive, it’s dangerous, it tends to inflame passions on the ground, when they don’t let us know what their plans are, when we can’t coordinate with them.”
this, my friends, is the difference between representative government and fascism for fascism’s sake.
if Donny and his merry band of shithole goons were actually interested in mitigating all this supposed crime happening in Chicago, they’d be coordinating the fuck out of the whole operation. right now, there would be a hundred conference calls a day happening between Chicago and DC. ‘ok, let’s figure out where the crime is, and where to best deploy.’ every last detail would be worked out in advance.
but none of that shit is going on, because the Mad King could give a fuck about actually fighting crime. what he wants is a fascistic display of force. what he wants is dominance — because deep down inside, Donny is an emotionally-scarred little boy who never got over being told what a weak piece of shit he was by his tyrant Klansman father, and now he’s going to make the entire world suffer as a result.
it’s all so fucked up. this is what happens when you let the most broken-inside person ever to walk the face of the earth hold the reins of power.
Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™? yeah, right.
now let’s circle back to Little Ms Hair Extensions — because I’m so old, I remember when the woman who is now so hot for the National Guard to invade every state was actually against federalizing the Guard.
“If Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”
oh, I see. federalizing the Guard is bad when Joe Biden does it, but good when Dear Leader does it.
let me guess why Kristi feels this way: because reasons. did I guess right? what do I win?
now here’s a spoiler alert: Joe Biden never federalized the National Guard. he never even threatened to. what he did want was for Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, to remove the razor-wire booby traps he’d put in the Rio Grande.
Biden had a legit beef: what kind of fucked-up monster gleefully endangers lives? make no mistake — people actual died in those booby traps.
every Republican completely lost their shit over Joe’s objection to the human rights abuses going on at the border, and accused him of wanting to do the very thing that Dear Leader is actually doing right now — in ICE Barbie’s own words, a direct attack on states’ rights.
fucking hypocrites, every last one of them.
oh, and here’s the best reply to Noem’s tweet.
well, it’s 1,418 words and three hours since I sat down at the laptop and wrote ‘hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day.’
I really did try to crank out a quick one, but it look like I suck at short. have a great Labor Day, everyone. see you tomorrow.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Fine…
Tiedrich Sunday
the poet Carl Sandburg famously described Chicago as the ‘City of the Big Shoulders.’ he also called it —
Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation’s Freight Handler
if old Carl were writing that poem today, he’d have to add a new line — because Chicago has now become the city of Go Fuck Yourself, Donny Convict.
oh look — America’s Mad King isn’t the only person who gets to sign executive orders.
The mayor of Chicago has signed an order detailing how the city will resist a potential immigration crackdown threatened by the Trump administration.
“We do not need nor want an unconstitutional and illegal military occupation of our city,” said Mayor Brandon Johnson, a Democrat. The order directs city agencies on how to respond to possible immigration enforcement actions.
do not fuck with the Hog Butcher for the World, Donny. they’re busy Stacking Wheat and Making Tools. they don’t have time for your fascist bullshit.
good for the mayor. he’s making plans. he sees what’s going on in DC, and what went on in Los Angeles, and he’s getting all proactive. most importantly, Mayor Johnson has ordered the Chicago Police Department not to aid and abet Donny’s storm troopers.
let’s listen to some highlights from the speech the mayor gave yesterday.
“I do not take this executive action lightly. I would have preferred to work in a more collaborative approach. I would have preferred to do with work with our allies in the city council to pass legislation, ultimately — and we were doing just that. some of the leaders who we are working with are standing behind me today. but unfortunately, we do not have the luxury of time. we have received credible reports that we have days, not weeks, before our city sees some type of militarized activity by the federal government.”
“our people have not asked for this. but nevertheless, we find ourselves having to respond to this.”
“I’m signing an executive order today that will launch the Protecting Chicago Initiative. this is a project that builds on the months of preparation we have done that has led up to this very moment. Protecting Chicago will ensure that every Chicagoan knows their rights, that every single family is prepared, and every part of city government is directed to protect the people of Chicago from federal action. this sweeping executive order directs our Department of Law to pursue any and every legal mechanism to hold this administration accountable for violating the rights of Chicagoans. this order affirms that the Chicago Police Department will no collaborate with military personnel, on police patrols or civil immigration enforcement. we will not have our police officers, who are working hard every single day to drive down crime, deputized to do traffic stops and checkpoints for the president. this order affirms that CPD officers will be directed to wear CPD uniforms, and refrain from wearing masks, so that residents can clearly distinguish them from federal agents.”
“we do not want to see tanks in our streets. we do not want to see families ripped apart. we do not want grandmothers thrown into the back of unmarked vans. we don’t want to see homeless Chicagoans harassed or disappeared by federal agents. we don’t want to see Chicagoans arrested for sitting on their porch. it’s not who we are as a city, and that’s not who we are as a nation. my team and I have spoken to the governor, the county president, and with our federal delegation, and we are in complete alignment. the time for action is now.”
okay, that was pretty long — so if you chose to scroll past it, here are the bullet points:
-
-
- City department of law are directed to pursue every legal mechanism, to resist unconstitutional efforts & hold them accountable
- Demands Trump stand down from deploying the military in Chicago
- Chicago PD not to wear masks or collaborate with ICE on patrols, arrests, or immigration enforcement
-
that last one is the biggie. Americans have a right to know who is legitimate law enforcement, and who is one of Donny’s goons.
we are through the looking glass, folks. this is what it’s come to: a mayor of a major city now has to protect his constituents from a lawless federal government.
our founders would be shitting their breeches if they could see what’s become of their grand experiment in representational democracy.
in the city of the big shoulders, Mayor Johnson’s are fucking huge right now. the mayor is a brave man, and he has earned our support.
hey, remember how, all through Joe Biden’s presidency, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press treated Joe as if he were old and icky and probably already dead? for fuck’s sake, they even turned his shoes into a major scandal.
oh my god, a seventy-nine-year-old, choosing to wear shoes that provide additional support. the horror.
remember how in 2016, the Email Lady tripped on a curb, and the worthless scribs pretty much wrote her obituary on the spot?
spoiler alert: nine years later, Hillary Clinton is very much alive.
given all that, wouldn’t it be awesome if the press paid that much attention to current President Cankles McRottinghand’s obvious physical and cognitive decline?
Donny’s been virtually missing in action for days. he’s been avoiding the press — he hasn’t spoken with them since his cabinet meeting last Tuesday. that’s really bizarre behavior from the attention hog who generally can’t go a single day without gibbering like a loon to a roomful of reporters.
yesterday, he was photographed leaving the White House, on his way to his Virginia golf motel — but he didn’t stop to talk to the press.
so what the fuck is going on? why is Donny in hiding? what is the White House not telling us? why does Couchfuck McGee feel the need to reassure everyone that he’s totally prepared to step into Donny’s demented shoes?
above all, why is our media so unconcerned about this? these are the same people who would shit a brick if Joe Biden went two days without talking to them.
Donny — who never shuts the fuck up — has now gone silent for five days, and not one reporter seems interested in what should be a major story. in fact, they all pretty much orgasmed on the spot over yesterday’s photo of Donny gingerly shuffling towards his waiting limo. they fell all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to assure everyone that Donny was still alive.
oh, and MAGA is totally incensed that anyone would dare speculate about why Donny is suddenly nowhere to be found.
“It’s sickening to see so many leftists on social media spreading false rumors about President Trump and his health. The Democrats have no class.”
yo, Brig — is this you?
I’m sorry, Brig, what was that you were saying about having no class?
oh look, Sundowning Uncle Crazypants has slithered out of his spider hole long enough to tweet out this nonsense:
what’s coming that’s so unstoppable, Big Guy? is it the Epstein Files?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Another $3B Wasted…
And in case you’re wondering about the “harder to climb” part: last week, a random Instagram user already posted a video of themselves scaling the freshly painted wall and the paint job didn’t seem to slow them down one bit.
So in short: half a billion to three billion dollars for a paint job that might need redoing every decade… and apparently doesn’t even work.
As of August 2025, the cost of Trump’s plan to paint the U.S.–Mexico border wall black is all over the map anywhere from $500 million to over $3 billion — and nobody in government is being transparent about the actual number.
Estimates by type of paint:
• Basic acrylic: ~$1.2M per mile → about $500M total for planned sections
• Military-grade epoxy: $4.5M+ per mile
• Premium powder coating: could push the price past $3B
• Official silence: DHS hasn’t released contracts or exact spending, saying disclosure would “affect future bids.” The project is tucked inside a $46.5B appropriation for border wall construction and maintenance, nicknamed the One Big Beautiful Bill Act.
Why black? Trump—who is an absolute fucking moron—ordered it personally. Kristi Noem, now DHS Secretary, dutifully got down on her knees, sucked the orange mushroom, and announced the plan this month.
What comes next? Electrification on a Jurassic Park scale?
Despite Some Early Hope, It Appears He Persists…
We Aren’t That Lucky
From Mock Paper Scissors:
Tiedrich Friday
He’s on FIRE today and feeling what we all are.
a 23-year-old obtained multiple weapons of mass death, just as our founders intended, took those weapons to the Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis, Minnesota, just as our founders intended, opened fire on teachers and students, just as our founders intended, firing one hundred and sixteen rounds in a matter of seconds, just as our founders intended, killing two and wounding eighteen, just as our founders intended. she then killed herself, just as our founders intended.
or fuck’s sake, we couldn’t even get through the first week of the new school year without some sicko with a grudge, an AR-15, and a death wish ending the life of two children.
and — oh look! — all the worst fucking people in the world are now offering us their cheap thoughts and useless prayers.
people such as this ginormous pantload.
“Please join me in praying for the victims of the horrific evil that took place at Annunciation Catholic Church in Minneapolis this morning.”
please join me in cordially inviting Rep. Andy Ogles to fuck all the wayoff — because lest we forget, this is how Rep. Ogles commemorates the birth of his savior: by teaching his children that it’s awesome to fetishize weapons of mass death.
his let’s-perpetuate-the-worship-of-guns shit isn’t helping.
Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey, could you please explain to Rep Ogles why thinking and praying is, in this instance, particularly galling?
“and don’t just say, this is about thoughts and prayers right now. these kids were literally praying. it was the first week of school. they were in a church.”
wrap your mind around that: these children were gunned down while they were praying in a church. so I’m asking: could the thoughts-and-prayers crowd at least have the decency to sit this one out?
apparently, the answer is no.
it seems that Karoline Leavitt isn’t just Donny Convict’s truth-averse press secretary. she’s also America’s self-appointed religious scold — and she’s hella incensed that anyone would dare criticize her god-given right to think and pray.
I saw the comments of Ms. Psaki and frankly I think they’re incredibly insensitive and disrespectful to the tens of millions of Americans of faith across this country who believe in the power of prayer, who believe that prayer works.”
look, Karoline, no one is saying that you’re not allowed to think and pray. do whatever you want. process grief in whichever way you need to. America remains, despite the best efforts of Preznit Cankles McFascist, a mostly-free country. for now.
what we’re asking is that you not turn ‘thoughts and prayers’ into some public performative ritual, where it’s used as a dodge to wallpaper over the fact that Republicans haven’t ever done one fucking thing to end all this slaughter.
we’ve been thinking and praying since Columbine, 26 years ago — and free clue: all those thoughts and prayers haven’t done shit.
also, Karoline — is this you?
you’re not helping.
here’s someone else who can fuck off: Fox News’ Plankhead of the Airwaves.
“these are preventable. the first thing you should do, every school in the country should have a metal detector. you have to control the entry of kids and the perimeter around every school. the left’s rush to blame guns for every tragedy, it’s sad and pathetic.”
look, Sean Hannity’s job is to say the stupidest shit imaginable. we’ll give him that. but ranting about metal detectors just makes Hannity a special kind of stupid.
a metal dectector at the door of the church where these kids got shot would have done fuck-all, because the shooter was standing outside and firing through the windows.
but this is what passes for your average Republican’s solution to America’s kids-used-for-target-practice problem: let’s turn schools (and I guess now churches, too) into maximum-security prisons. let’s harden the fuck out of them.
let’s replace every door of every school with thick reinforced steel, and make sure they’re locked every minute of the day. let’s install metal detectors, and post armed guards every fifty feet. let’s arm teachers to the teeth.
except none of that hardening shit works when the shooter is standing outside with an AR-15, firing hundreds of rounds through the fucking windows. duh. so what’s your solution, Plankhead? board up all the windows? in a church?
the actual solution is staring us all in the face: it’s the guns. ban the fucking assault weapons.
no civilian needs a weapon of mass death.
and please, don’t even get me started on Bobby Brainworms. it’s too early in the morning for my head to be exploding.
this whale-head-chainsawing lunatic doesn’t even understand how germs work, but he’s going to square-peg-round-hole his own special solution to America’s gun problem: let’s ban ALL the drugs.
“we’re launching studies on the potential contribution of some of the SSRI drugs and some of the other psychiatric drugs that might be contributing to violence.”
this fucking guy. now he want to ban anti-depressants — because he has a hunch they lead to violence. oh joy, Mr. Make Polio Great Again has a hunch.
it’s really weird how anti-depressants are regularly prescribed in every country on the planet, but only in America does it result in a gun problem. what a crazy coincidence.
it cannot be understated how completely crazypants Bobby Brainworms is. I want to highlight a video shot by journalist Sandi Bachom, of an RFK Jr. anti-vaccine rally, back on January 23, 2022. it’s a huge fucktangle of holy shit.
in five years we’re going to see four hundred and fifteen thousand low-orbit satellites. Bill Gates has his 65,000 satellites alone. he’ll be able to look at every square inch of the planet 24 hours a day. they’re putting in 5G, to harvest our data and control our behavior. digital currency will allow them to punish us from a distance and cut off our food supply. the minute they hand you that vaccine, fast forward. every right that you have is transformed into a privilege contingent on your obedience to arbitrary government dictates.”
this is the insane freak currently dismantling our country’s ability to prevent the return of diseases that we eradicated decades ago. the one ranting and raving about Bill Gates and 5G chips.
and now he’s going to ban anti-depressants — because guns.
fuck every Republican — four of whom are medical doctors — who voted to confirm this hallucinating conspiracy loon.
shame on you all.
here’s a thing I wrote on March 30, 2023, the day after a school shooting in Nashville — but the date and the location don’t matter. the words below can be applied to any school shooting at any time and any place in America.
Republicans don’t give a fuck about children
Republicans were so busy protecting children from learning that Rosa Parks was black that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from seeing that Michelangelo’s David has a penis that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from finding out that men can love men and women can love women that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from being read to by grownups wearing costumes that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from eating a subsidized school lunch that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from reading that Roberto Clemente experienced discrimination that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from discovering why Anne Frank had to hide that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from knowing how their own bodies work that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
Republicans were so busy protecting children from having access to healthcare that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.
oopsies!
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vomiting It All Up
Bat. Shit. Insane.
Vomiting It All Up
Tiedrich Sunday
it seems that America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector has grown tired of stalking Congress’ ladies rooms, waiting for women she deems insufficiently-feminine-looking to enter them, so she can point and scream and call attention to her own needy self.
Nancy Mace is looking for a new gig. she wants to pull that ‘show me your genitals’ shit in the bathrooms of South Carolina’s Executive Mansion — so she’s now running to be that state’s governor.
how Mace’s quest going? oh, just fucking swimmingly.
U.S. Rep. Nancy Mace (R-01) had advertised she would deliver a speech to more than 100 people in Myrtle Beach. Instead, eight people showed up. She canceled the speech and answered questions from reporters.
Mace was expected to deliver remarks focused on “protecting parental rights and advancing freedom in education” at the Moms for Liberty — Horry County Chapter meeting at Forward Church on Thursday, Aug. 21.
But when she walked into the room, and more chairs were empty than occupied. Plans seemingly changed.
holy shit, Nancy Mace — the Poster Girl for Transphobia — couldn’t get more than eight people to show up at a Moms for Liberty event?
you remember the Liberty Moms. they were hot shit a couple of years ago. these transphobic busybodies became the darlings of the right when they assigned themselves the job of policing America’s school libraries, making sure that little Sally and Jimmy didn’t get exposed to any subversive ideas — like, y’know, gay people should have basic human rights.
things started to go south for the Moms when they put an actual Hitler quote into the header of their newsletter.
decent people everywhere rightfully shit a brick over that — but instead of going ‘yeah, that’s crazy. what where we thinking?’, the Moms were genuinely mystified about all the fuss. what, so now it’s wrong to quote Hitler?
hings went further south when the Liberty Moms co-founder started showing up in an endless series of homemade sex tapes.
A second video has been recovered by police showing Bridget Ziegler, a cofounder of the conservative Moms for Liberty, engaging in sexual relations with a woman, sources said. It is not known if the woman in the video is the same woman who has alleged she was sexually assaulted by Christian Ziegler. Neither Christian nor Bridget Ziegler have responded to requests for comment from the Trident.
what a charming bunch of madcaps.
as I wrote at the time,
Brig apparently has an active and varied sex life — and hey, more power to her for that. no one should be shamed for what they do behind closed doors.
but the utter hypocrisy is off the charts — because that’s the fucking point here.
this busybody has made it her life’s work to tell other people how to live — to police other people’s bedrooms, and to publicly shame anyone who doesn’t conform to her cramped, hateful worldview.
when it comes to publicly shaming anyone who doesn’t conform to a cramped, hateful worldview, you would think that the Moms for Liberty and Nancy Mace would be a perfect fit. one wants to police what’s going in your kid’s book-bag, and the other wants to police what’s going on in your kid’s underwear.
but Nancy Mace couldn’t get more than eight of these hatemongers to show up — which doesn’t bode well for Nance’s gubernatorial aspirations.
it’s a thing we see play out all the time: the hubris of a clown who gets reelected over and over in their heavily-gerrymandered district thinking that it translates to state-wide popularity.
here’s Nancy Mace’s district, SC-1.
it’s a piece of cake to get elected as a Republican when your district has been so carefully engineered to marginalize Democratic voters that it now looks like a month-old fetus.
it’s entirely another story to convince voters across an entire state to vote for you — especially when you’re a performative-nonsense ninny more interested in making headlines than good policy.
here’s the South Carolina Governor’s Mansion.
there are 32 bathrooms in that sucker — and all of them are going to go un-monitored if Nancy Mace can’t even get nine transphobic extremists to show up for a campaign event.
by the way, when I tried to look up Nancy Mace’s district at Congress.govwhile writing this post, this is what I got:
acting-adjacent Hollywood found object Dean Cain recently switched professions.
he’s no longer a bitter never-was, spending his time complaining about not being able to get cast in roles. he’s now an official member of Kristi Noem’s deportation gestapo.
but don’t worry. Dean’s putting his almost-acting talent to good use. he’s the star of a new ICE training video — and it’s such a huge ball of holy shit that it has to be seen to be believed.
what the fuck did we just watch?
it’s basically an out-of-breath ball of pudge struggling to master a laughably-simple little obstacle course — and you’ve got to love the moment when Dean’s left leg gets stuck as he tries to vault that barrier.
let’s gif that shit and slow it way the fuck down.
your first thought has to be ‘is this a fucking joke?’ — did some out-of-shape goofball pretending to be Dean Cain make a parody video and put it online?
nope, it’s one hundred percent real. ICE even posted it up on Elon’s Nazi bar.
if that’s really the actual training that ICE is inflicting on all the psychos who are signing up because they’re so super fucking horny to tackle day laborers in a Home Depot parking lot, then I have the same question as this dude on Threads: how did these guys make it through the pipe?
did these two homeys join ICE because they were hoping someone would thow sandwiches at them?
but let’s talk about the production values of the Dean Cain training video — because there aren’t any. it looks like they spent about five dollars on it. what in the clownish name of Storm Trooper Jesus is this?
it’s great to know that if Dean Cain runs into any mannequins that have overstayed their visas, he’ll be prepared to fuck their shit seven ways from breakfast.
it’s all so pathetically amateurish.
I guess this is what happens when 99% of ICE’s budget goes to Kristi Noem’s hair, makeup and cosplay costuming.
the Dean Cain training film is barely one step up from those self-produced youtube videos where some Meal Team Six nitwit goes out in the middle of the woods — ostensibly to show off their marksmanship skills — and ends up hobbling around and screaming ‘I just fucking shot myself.’
have a great Sunday, everyone. no matter what you’re getting up to today, you’re probably having a better time than Nancy Mace and Dean Cain.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Whoopsie!
#TRUTH
Just A Thought…
Viva La Revolución
Grandpa Takes A Poo
This…
Reminds me of this:
This Week In Stupid
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: tik me no toks
apparently, Donny Convict’s handlers got the bright idea to start up a tiktok account for Dear Leader — because these days, all the cool fascists musthave one.
here’s Donny’s first post. there’s no actual need to watch it. it’s twenty-seven seconds of who the fuck even cares.
instead, let’s take a look at what happened next: people started commenting.
and they commented some more.
they kept right on commenting — and all anyone wanted to talk about was Donny’s close, personal relationship with his dead pedo bestie.
as of right now, there are over 49,000 comments under that video. I’m guessing that about 48,945 of them are about you-know-what.
hey Donny, how’s your cover-up going? not well, I’d say.
uesday: I see dead voters
New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew has a wee bit of an ectoplasm problem.
“people who were passed away, these are real people. I spoke to large numbers of them.”
dude, I’m contractually obligated to ask: are these ‘large numbers of people whom you’ve spoken to who have passed away’ in the room with is right now? I’m guessing they are, and you’re the only one who can see them.
now, normally I’d be advising Rep. Van Drew to be dialing 1-800-GHOSTBUSTERS.
but I’m hearing that Kristi Noem’s conscripted them into ICE to help deport undocumented demons back to Carpathia.
wednesday: verily, I whine unto you
MAGA preacher Hank Kunneman has a bone to pick with his evidently unfaithful flock. he seems to have mortgaged himself up to his eyeballs on the expectation he’d be able to fleece his way out of it — and it ain’t happening.
“I’m not saying this to be mad. I’m saying this because I feel like I’m going to go to my advocate Jesus. I have $400,000 to pay — and the only reason I took a line of credit is that I could have this, and we wouldn’t have to wait, potentially— can you imagine still being in there, and this sanctuary done, and we don’t have the money to pay for the AV, so now we’ve got to sit there for a year, because that’s how long it would have taken. and I said, well, can I get a line of credit? I didn’t know what else to do. ‘shouldn’t have borrowed’? oh, well tell that to the prophet who said to the widow, go get some vessels, go get some vases, and borrow not a few.”
come on, widows, do a bro a solid. why the fuck aren’t you out there, rounding up those vessels, right now?
seriously, what’s the point of even being an evangelist if you can’t depend on the rubes to finance your obscenely opulent lifestyle?
oh, and that thing about the widows and the vessels? that’s from 2 Kings 4, where the Big Guy in the Sky commits a miracle in order to help a widow deal with her own debts. it’s not about underwriting the greed of some numb-nuts preacher who’s shit at grifting.
pray harder, bro.
thursday: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.
Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.
we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.
also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.
slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.
friday: a day in the life
on Friday, some fucking idiot meandered into the Oval Office. befuddled and disheveled, the fucking idiot wore a stupid hat and an even stupider expression.
he fucking idiot’s right hand was, as usual, all fucked to shit from god-knows-what procedure — because as usual, the fucking idiot’s health is a huge State Secret.
the fucking idiot proudly showed off a photo of the despot bestie whose warm embrace he so desperately pines for.
“I’m going to sign this for him. I was sent one. I thought you’d all like to see it. it’s a man named Vladimir Putin, who I believe will be coming, depending on what happens. he may be coming and he may not. depending on what happens. we have a lot of things happening over the next couple of weeks. but I thought it was a nice picture. of him. okay of me, but nice of him. so that was very nice that it was sent.”
the fucking idiot blithered about gold.
“you see the way this is looking? look. I can’t tell you how much that gold costs, a lotta money. there’s nothing like gold and there’s nothing like solid gold, but this, this beautiful office needed it.”
the fucking idiot then hallucinated about ‘beautiful African-American ladies’ who are begging him to come to Chicago and do a fascism.
“Chicago is a mess. and we’ll straighten that one out probably next … African Americans ladies, beautiful ladies, are saying ‘please President Trump, come to Chicago.’”
the fucking idiot then wandered over to the Kennedy Center, where he gibbered incoherently about ‘the cubes with the doors.’
“they built these rooms nobody’s gonna use. rooms underground. and I’ve often wondered what are the big cubes they have outside that block the view. the cubes with the door in them so that people can get down to rooms that nobody is going to use. and it’s a shame. it’s a shame.”
and then the fucking idiot blithered about ‘these cubes’ a second time.
“I can’t use bad language, but it’s been so badly run. and they built these cubes outside, these cubes. and there’s stairways that go down to little rooms that nobody uses. it’s so crazy what they did. they spend hundreds of millions of dollars. it’s like throwing money out the window. they built cubes. all it does is block off the view. you know, they go down to little stages, but nobody uses them. and we’re taking care of our big, beautiful stages that people really want.”
and the fucking idiot didn’t get 25th Amendmented on the spot. how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I see these photos and immediately think Rosemary’s Baby. You?
They Think We’re ALL As Stupid As Felon45
Nope, It’s Not
Tiedrich Friday
yesterday, the California Legislature passed, and Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law, the Texas Can Go Fuck Itself Act of 2025.
the legislation will enable a special election to be held on November 4th that will ask voters to grant final approval to newly drawn congressional districts in order to shitcan five Republican seats in the US House of Representatives. current polling indicates that voters favor the shit out of this plan.
California, fuck yeah.
“we got here because the president of the United States is struggling. we got here because the president of the United States is one of the most unpopular presidents in U.S. history. we got here because he recognizes that he will lose the election and Congress will go back into the hands of the Democratic Party next November. we got here because of his failed policies. those are being exposed hour by hour, reinforced today by Walmart announcing they’ll be raising prices, because of the tax increases. because of the tariffs. we’re reminded every day by a slowing economy, growing mistrust, distrust, all across this nation, across the board, he is failing. he recognizes that, and that’s why he made a phone call to Greg Abbott, asking for five seats. he can’t win by playing by traditional sets of rules. he plays by no rules. I remind you all the time: it’s not the Rule of Law, it’s the Rule of Don — and we’re standing up to that. we’re responding to that.”
it cannot be stressed enough that it shouldn’t have to be this way. California shouldn’t have to do fuckery to counter Texas’ fuckery.
in a sanely-run country, every state’s maps would be mandated by an independent commission that would divvy everything up in a fair and non-partisan way. y’know, true representational government. none of these fucked-up amoeba-shaped districts like the one that enables the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan to be reelected over and over in perpetuity, despite being one of the most-useless pantloads ever to stalk the halls of Congress.
but we don’t live in a sanely-run country. we live in the United States of the Stupidest Bullshit Ever, where every fucking thing has to be a battle.
it’s the dumbest possible way to run a country.
but this is a battle the Republican Party started — because they know their policies fucking suck, and they can’t win free and fair elections. so they’re allthe hell with playing fair, let’s just cheat our way to victory. it’s the Donny Convict way.
you want a battle? fine. go fuck yourselves. we’re going to do things the Untouchables way.
here’s another stupid hyper-partisan battle our country should not have to be fighting right now: is the current president a drooling imbecile, or what? — because fucking duh, he absolutely is.
this is an actual thing that happened yesterday: Donny phoned into one of these MAGAfied hate-radio programs, and proudly announced that he was going to personally patrol the ‘dangerous’ streets of DC that very night, like some fucked-up geriatric Batman.
I’m going to be going out tonight with the police and with the military, of course,” Trump told conservative host Todd Starnes. Trump has previously described the national capital as riddled with “crime” and “dangerous.”
here’s what happened next: Donny waddled over to the U.S. Park Police operations center and gibbered like a maniac for half an hour, about all the usual nonsense the demented old fuck obsesses over — like grass.
“one of the things will be redoing is your parks. I’m very good at grass, ’cause I have a lot of golf courses all over the place. I know more about grass than any human being I think anywhere in the world. and we’re going to be regrassing all your parks, all brand-new sprinkler systems, the best that you can buy, like Augusta. no, it’ll look like Augusta. it’ll look like, more importantly, Trump National Golf Club, that’s even better. but we’re gonna look, we’re gonna have all brand-new beautiful grass. you know like everything else, grass has a life. do you know that? grass has a life. you know, we have a life and grass has a life. and the grass here died about 40 years ago.”
what the fuck? what grass? who gives a shit about grass? where are these parks that Donny’s so horny to turn into shittier versions of his shitty golf motels? above all, why is the president of the United States wasting one second of his time on grass? doesn’t he have a real job?
oh wait — no, he doesn’t. Nosferatu McGoebbels is actually running the country, leaving Donny all the time in the world to regrass all our parks.
I guess this is a good place to remind everyone that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge is now in its 1,950th day.
also, I’m pretty sure I know one guy who’s better at grass than Preznit Fuckwit.
so, how did Donny’s patrolling of the streets of DC go last night?
it never fucking happened.
after Donny’s blither-session at the Parks Police HQ, he waddled back to the White House, and that was that. Donny presumably spent the rest of his day flopped on a couch, watching himself on TV.
once again, America’s Mad King goes completely off the rails — makes a huge boast about how he’s going to personally patrol the streets, does a crazypants speech, and then disappears without doing one second of “patrolling” — and everybody just shrugs and goes ‘yeah, that happened.’
none of this is normal — and once again, we’re all numbed by the firehose of insanity.
and now here’s what might just be the dumbest imaginary battle ever, because it’s over a corporate logo.
“sparking some ire” is really underplaying what actually happened: the worst fucking people on the planet completely lost their shit.
“In college, I worked at @CrackerBarrel in Tallahassee. I even gave my life to Christ in their parking lot. Their logo was iconic and their unique restaurants were a fixture of American culture. No one asked for this woke rebrand. It’s time to Make Cracker Barrel Great Again.”
dude gave his life to Christ in a Cracker Barrel parking lot.
bro, you might want to ask Christ for it back — because you desperately need to get a life, if this is the kind of nonsense you’re getting all worked up over.
also, Byron — are you sure that was Christ? are you sure you didn’t get mugged by a junkie? because I’ve seen a lot of skeevy longhaired dudes in parking lots in my life — and none of them turned out to be Jesus.
here’s the new logo, and yeah, it sucks. it’s charmless and sterile, but so what?
and how it is woke? I can’t figure it out. Charlotte Clymer can’t figure it out.
They believe someone like me—a progressive trans woman—is cheering on the new logo change, which I find very confusing. I’m genuinely confused.
Tragically, I am something of an expert on anti-woke propaganda—which is an incredibly sad and pathetic area of expertise—and my hand to god, I honestly don’t know why rightwing influencers think I should be happy about the logo change.
does MAGA really need to turn every fucking thing, no matter how insignificant, into a culture war battle? it’s a corporate logo. of course it’s sterile, that’s been the trend in logo design for a over hundred years.
MAGA was so up in arms over the logo change, that Cracker Barrel stock plunged right into the shitter.
Cracker Barrel shed almost $100 million in market value after its stock plunged Thursday following the release of a new logo. The new design eliminates a longstanding drawing of an overall-clad man leaning against a barrel, in favor of a cleaner logo featuring just the chain’s name.
Christ in a Cracker Barrel, how incomprehensibly idiotic is that?
free clue for MAGA: normal people don’t obsess over shit this stupid. normal people don’t see everything as an ideological battle to be fought tooth and nail. normal people don’t glue their identities to a corporate logo. corporations don’t give a fuck about you. just like Dear Leader. he doesn’t give a fuck about you, either.
look, MAGA — if you hate the new Cracker Barrel logo, maybe you’ll like this one better.
because seriously, the only thing you need to know about this whole made up controversy over a fucking corporate logo is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vomiting It All Up
