Category: FUCK TRUMP

at the United Nations on Tuesday, as America’s Fuckwit-in-Chief was blithering incoherently about Chinese wind and hell-bound countries and how awesome it is to bomb the shit out of fishing boats and how he deserves all the Nobel Peace Prizes and how everyone at the UN is a poopyhead for not letting him renovate their building, a foreign diplomat took out his phone and texted the following to an American journalist.

“This man is stark, raving mad. Do Americans not see how embarrassing this is?”

you know me, I love a good game of Easy Questions, Easy Answers — so allow me, if you will, to take my best shot.

YES, WE CAN ALL SEE THAT DONNY IS STARK BARKING BONKERS, AND WE’RE ALL FUCKING EMBARRASSED.

well, obviously, not the cultists, they eat this shit up — but to the other 70% of us who aren’t brain dead, we know it. we’re the ones who have to sit here, day after day, as the firehose of batshit gets sprayed point-blank into our faces.

I mean, check out what a lunatic looks like when he’s lunaticking at warp factor nine.

dear lord, what a fucking snowflake. a snowflake like no one’s even seen before. maybe the flakiest snowflake of all time.

grow the fuck up, bro. do you think Teddy Roosevelt would have been spooked by an escalator? absolutely not. just look at this homey.

T-Rose would have punched the shit out of those balky autostairs.

oh joy, President Pudding Cup is demanding to speak to the United Nations’ manager.

I’m sending a copy of this letter to the Secretary General, and I demand an immediate investigation.

yeah, you do that, Commander Crazypants. you send your strongly-worded letter. I’m sure Secretary General António Guterres can’t wait to roll his eyes, mime jerk-off motions, and toss it into the nearest trashcan.

EscalatorGate™ is now in its third day and shows no sign of abating — and in typical Donny carnival-barker style, the story of how an escalator briefly turned into stairs gets more outlandish with each retelling.

the escalator going up to the Main Speaking Floor came to a screeching halt. It stopped on a dime. It’s amazing that Melania and I didn’t fall forward onto the sharp edges of these steel steps, face first.

that’s right, Melania came this close to a brush with the United Nations’ patented Whirling Blades of Death.

as we discussed yesterday, no one was ever in any danger — but by next week, Donny’s going to be telling us that his Slovenian rent-a-wife had to somersault past laser beams — which, by the way, is a thing she can do because of the ninja training she received, while also learning to speak five languages (none of them English).

you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny is screaming LOCK THEM UP!

The people that did it should be arrested!

Donny, are the people who should be arrested in the room with us right now? actually in this case, they are — because it was Donny’s own videographer who ran up the the damned thing backwards and tripped the motion detector that stopped the escalator.

so sure, let’s arrest this poor unfortunate soul. no, wait — mere arrest isn’t adequate punishment for the person who dared inconvenience Dear Leader for an entire thirty seconds. let’s go all-in. let’s draw and quarter them as a vivid warning to any future frisky videographers. don’t you dare trip no fucking motion sensors, pal.

so, to get back to the foreign diplomat’s question — yes, we can all see how embarrassing this is, that our president is a weak and small man who can’t just laugh off a common mishap that we’ve all experienced, and is driven by his increasing insanity to create a pathetic spectacle.

and, as always, the only thing you really need to know about EscalatorGate™ is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

any sane country would have 25th Amendmented the fuck out of Dear Leader before he’d even had a chance to finish that batshit speech — but we don’t live in a sane country.

we live in a country that has built an entire propaganda infrastructure just to keep a cranky toddler from melting down and throwing ketchup bottles.

Donny’s UN address was received in silence. no one said a word — they just looked on in stunned horror as the Mad King gibbered like a loon.

in order to keep Dear Leader from going ape-shit about it, one of Donny’s own sewer clowns, Energy Secretary Chris Wright, had to go on Fox News and explain to the Audience of One watching in the White House how everyone wanted to cheer, but they couldn’t — because were afraid to. yeah, that’s it. that’s a credible explanation.

“everyone was listening … I think a lot of the world, maybe weren’t brave enough to cheer like that during his speech.”

where have I heard this kind of gaslighting before? oh right —

so again, yes, Ambassador, we are all embarrassed that our president can’t face unpleasant news and has to be coddled like a colicky infant.

wouldn’t you love it if our own worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press were as honest as their foreign counterparts?

and yes, Ambassador, we’re all fucking embarrassed that our president is, as the Daily Mail puts it, a “deranged man-baby.”

there’s a new “Presidential Walk of Fame” in the White House — and you’ll be shocked to learn that it’s childish as fuck.

here’s what Margo Martin not-tweeted from her official White House account.

no, let’s not “wait for it,” let’s just skip ahead and reveal that Joe Biden’s presidential portrait has been replaced with a photo of an autopen.

ha ha ha ha ha ha! get it? get it? it’s because Joe Biden’s autopen actually ran the country! isn’t that a fucking knee-slapper? isn’t that the funniest thing ever?

what’s the word I’m groping for here, as the entire world bears witness to a president — nay, to an entire White House staff — this petty, childish and spiteful?

oh right: embarrassing.

but, as always, please keep in your mind these sacred words from the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

oh, and Mr. Ambassador?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day. I’ll be back tomorrow with the usual full-length documentation of all the atrocities.

let’s listen as America’s self-appointed puppy perforator drags reality out back to the gravel pit and puts one right between its eyes.

Noem: “but we will continue to go after the worst of the worst across the country like President Trump has told us to do. we’re focusing on those that are perpetuating murder and rape and trafficking of drugs and humans across our country. every single citizen deserves to be safe.”

Ed O’Keefe: “part of what distinguished the Los Angeles operations, however, is that National Guard Troops were there, in essence, protecting or backing up those federal agents as they were conducting operations. is that what we should expect to see in Chicago?”

Noem: “I do know that LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action.”

oh, please, Kristi — fuck off. fact check:

thank you, Governor.

Everything Is Broken And Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ is a fever-swamp fairy tale straight out of the authoritarian’s playbook — and it’s just lies piled on top of lies.

ICE thugs hiding in the back of a rented van in a Home Depot parking lot and ambushing any random brown person who happens to wander by isn’t ‘going after the worst of the worst’ — it’s just straight-up racism, that’s all it is.

nannies, farm workers, cleaning ladies, firefighters and food truck operators don’t have side gigs doing murders and rapes, no matter how much ICE Barbie insists they do. and what’s all this horse shit about ‘LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action’ by sending in the Guard?

let’s saunter down memory lane, and review just what went on with the National Guard in Los Angeles — because the firehose of fuckery from these shitweasels is so unrelenting that it’s easy to forget what happened only three months ago.

one sunny morning in early June,

Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.

On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.

protesters then confronted ICE — and it cannot be over-stressed that the protests were confined to a microscopic section of LA (circled in red below):

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

none of it was necessary. it was just performative fascism.

and now we’re seeing this Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ clownfuckery being repeated in Washington DC, where Guard troops who were sent to deal with another imaginary crime wave are now raking leaves and hauling garbage.

in a few weeks, these Guard, too, will be sent home, after having their time, training — and taxpayer money — completely wasted.

as with Los Angeles, none of this is necessary. it’s just pure, performative police state fascism.

now, we’re about to see this pomp and stupidity play out a third time, in Chicago — because once again, Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™.

which brings us to one of our heroes in all this, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.

“no one in the administration — the president, or anybody under him — has called anyone in my administration, or me, and have not called the city of Chicago, or anyone else. so it’s clear that in secret, they’re planning this— well, it’s an invasion, with US troops, if they in fact do that. they other thing is, they ought to be coordinating with local law enforcement. they ought to let us know when they’re coming, where they’re coming, if it’s ICE, or it it’s ATF, whoever it is. but they don’t want to do that, either. and I must say, it’s disruptive, it’s dangerous, it tends to inflame passions on the ground, when they don’t let us know what their plans are, when we can’t coordinate with them.”

this, my friends, is the difference between representative government and fascism for fascism’s sake.

if Donny and his merry band of shithole goons were actually interested in mitigating all this supposed crime happening in Chicago, they’d be coordinating the fuck out of the whole operation. right now, there would be a hundred conference calls a day happening between Chicago and DC. ‘ok, let’s figure out where the crime is, and where to best deploy.’ every last detail would be worked out in advance.

but none of that shit is going on, because the Mad King could give a fuck about actually fighting crime. what he wants is a fascistic display of force. what he wants is dominance — because deep down inside, Donny is an emotionally-scarred little boy who never got over being told what a weak piece of shit he was by his tyrant Klansman father, and now he’s going to make the entire world suffer as a result.

it’s all so fucked up. this is what happens when you let the most broken-inside person ever to walk the face of the earth hold the reins of power.

Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™? yeah, right.

now let’s circle back to Little Ms Hair Extensions — because I’m so old, I remember when the woman who is now so hot for the National Guard to invade every state was actually against federalizing the Guard.

“If Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”

oh, I see. federalizing the Guard is bad when Joe Biden does it, but good when Dear Leader does it.

let me guess why Kristi feels this way: because reasons. did I guess right? what do I win?

now here’s a spoiler alert: Joe Biden never federalized the National Guard. he never even threatened to. what he did want was for Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, to remove the razor-wire booby traps he’d put in the Rio Grande.

Biden had a legit beef: what kind of fucked-up monster gleefully endangers lives? make no mistake — people actual died in those booby traps.

every Republican completely lost their shit over Joe’s objection to the human rights abuses going on at the border, and accused him of wanting to do the very thing that Dear Leader is actually doing right now — in ICE Barbie’s own words, a direct attack on states’ rights.

fucking hypocrites, every last one of them.

oh, and here’s the best reply to Noem’s tweet.

well, it’s 1,418 words and three hours since I sat down at the laptop and wrote ‘hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day.’

I really did try to crank out a quick one, but it look like I suck at short. have a great Labor Day, everyone. see you tomorrow.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.