Category: FUCK TRUMP

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One Simple Question

I can’t help but think that if this were any other country in the world he would’ve been pulled out of his palace and strung up to swing in the wind…

Just sayin.

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Friday Fuckery As Told By Jeff Tiedrich

you knew this was coming.

after Mad King Donny shitcanned the Commissioner of Labor Statistics for committing the treasonous crime of understanding how numbers work, it was only a matter of time before he announced that he had the actual job numbers — and they were great numbers. numbers like no one’s ever seen. maybe greatest numbers of all time.

yesterday was that day.

the Mad King excitedly dragged reporters into that vulgar bordello that used to be the Oval Office, held up a chart, and went see? see?

see what, exactly? Donny never explains.

this one chart really says it better than anything, if you look at this. this is great. but this chart is pretty amazing. right here. all new numbers.”

excuse me, Mr. President, but I have a question: what the fuck are you talking about?

seriously, does anyone have any idea what that chart is supposed to represent? we don’t know. the lettering is too tiny to read, and Donny never tells us. are those the number of times Donny’s mentioned in the Epstein Files?

what does the line in that chart signify? no one has the slightest clue. all we see is that it’s going up. up to where? to eleven?

break out the champagne, our roaring economy has finally gone all the way up to eleven.

are you wondering where that chart came from?

I hope you’re sitting down, because you’re going to be shocked when you learn that the numbers in that chart were ginned up, just to mollify the thinnest-skinned imbecile ever to load a diaper in the Oval Office.

Donny needed a compliant yes-man willing to fake some fairy-tale data, and oh boy, did he ever find one.

During an impromptu news conference, the president displayed charts from Stephen Moore, an economist at the conservative Heritage Foundation, that he said proved his economy was better than that of his predecessor, President Joseph R. Biden Jr.

oh look, it’s Stephen Moore, God’s Gift to Gibberish.

that’s just fucking great. Moore is one of these supply-side goons. he’s spent the last thirty years beating the drums for zero taxes for billionaires and the end of regulations. tell me, how has that economic hokus-pokus worked out for the rest of us?

seriously, though: Moore was purposely making happy-time charts for an Audience of One.

It just so happened that the Heritage Foundation economist had been crunching some census data, and he began assembling the figures into graphs that he knew would please the president.

“I showed him about five or six of these charts, and he was excited about the good news,” Mr. Moore said in an interview. “So he said let’s have an impromptu press conference.”

so that’s how we got the performative nonsense that played out in the Oval Office yesterday. some Heritage Foundation goofus went running to Donny to placate him with some made-up data, and Donny — who in no way understood what he was looking at — decided that the White House press pool had to get involved.

get in here, everyone — come see the line that goes all the way up.

Moore pretty much admitted that these ‘amazing’ new numbers were pulled straight from his ass.

Mr. Moore said his numbers were based on unpublished data from the Census Bureau, which means they are difficult to verify independently.

now let’s go live to the Heritage Foundation, where economists are busy crunching that ahem unpublished data.

tell me, is it a bad thing when a so-called quote-unquote economics expert doesn’t know the difference between ‘median’ and ‘medium’?

I really need to know, because here’s one of the charts that Donny and Supply Side Steve showed off to reporters.

let’s zoom in.

holy shit, it says ‘medium income,’ which is definitely not a thing — unless I’m unaware of the existence of ‘rare income’ and ‘well-done income.’

you can’t even google ‘medium income.’ when I tried, google assumed I had meant to type median, and displayed results for that.

how does an alleged economist not know this? this is who Donny has spoon-feeding imaginary good-news numbers to him. does it even matter that the charts make no sense? not at all, when the only goal is to please Dear Leader.

this is all so fucking embarrassing.

America is now an international laughingstock, because our president is such an unmanageable child that he has to be shielded from bad news.

you know who else had to be shielded from bad news because everyone was terrified of making him mad, don’t you? of course you do.

did you know that during the Donny’s first reign, there was a guy in the White House they called the Music Man? I shit you not.

According to a new book by former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham, the “music man” was the only person who could manage Trump’s “terrifying” temper, playing hit songs from musicals to help calm him down.

This included the maudlin Cats ballad “Memory,” which finds an old, unloved feline pining for the days when she was young, beautiful, and adored.

this is our president: a colicky toddler who needs show tunes to keep him from stroking out. we really are living in the shittiest possible timeline.

but the current White House staff has one-upped the old one. they don’t need any Music Man to play syrupy show tunes, not this time around. the new plan is to coddle Dear Leader inside a impenetrable bubble of ignorance, by taking whatever steps are necessary to ensure that he never encounters a single piece of unpleasant news. if that includes ginning up nonsensical charts about how “medium income” is through the fucking roof, so be it.

and if keeping Donny happy includes letting him steal whatever he can get his greasy hands on, well, so be that, too. in that video clip at the top of this post, did you notice what Donny now proudly displays behind his desk?

oh look, it’s the Club World Cup Trophy that Preznit Grabbyhands stole. you remember that story: the head of FIFA brought the trophy to the White House to show it off, and Donny was all that’s mine now. the team that actually won that trophy had to make do with a cheap replica — because nobody wanted to make the Mad King madder.

we also had to allow Donny to steal the Declaration of Independence and hog it all for himself. there it is, on the wall behind that farcical ‘medium income’ chart.

have you noticed that every day, there’s more and more of that cheap gold-plated tat glued to every square inch of the Oval Office? look what he’s done to the fucking door.

hey Donny, I just got off the phone with the ghost of Liberace. he says to tone it the fuck down, you cheap hoodlum.

speaking of gaudy, here’s the most-recent photo of that abomination that they’re still calling the Rose Garden. the cement slab has now been festooned with patio tables.

why? who is supposed to be sitting in them?

but hang on, there’s something familiar about those umbrellas. they look pretty golf-motelly to me. wouldn’t you agree? wait a minute, I know where I’ve seen those umbrellas before. they’re exactly the same as the ones on the patio of Motel-a-Lago!

oh my god. fake charts, cheap golden tat, stolen treasures, and now a Rose Garden that’s a dime-store knockoff of his own dime-store golf motel.

he’s such a pathetic fucking child.

try not to laugh — or cry — at how embarrassing this all is. you don’t want to make the Mad King mad.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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The Key Phrase Being In Her Presence

turns out we can all rest easy, folks.

it seems that the sleazy convicted sex trafficker who used to hang out at the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy golf motel in order to procure teenage girls for the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy dead pedo bestie told the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy personal lawyer that she never saw the sleazy adjudicated sex offender do anything wrong.

whew. I’m glad we finally got that settled.

during her nine hours speaking with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche last month, Ghislaine Maxwell said nothing during the interview that would be harmful to President Donald Trump, telling Blanche that Trump had never done anything in her presence that would have caused concern, according to sources familiar with what Maxwell said.

oh, okay. Ghislaine never saw Donny do anything ‘concerning.’

well, that’s a fucktacular load off everyone’s minds, right? I mean, it’s not like the word ‘concerning’ can mean anything you want it to.

let me go out on a limb here and posit that if you see nothing wrong with befriending teenage girls so your ex-boyfriend can rape them, you might have a different definition of ‘concerning’ than most people.

on a scale of zero to Susan Collins, how concerned should we be about this?

The Trump administration, meanwhile, is considering publicly releasing the transcripts from the interview, multiple sources familiar with the internal discussions told ABC News.

oh well, cased closed, then. the transcripts will settle everything. I mean, everybody involved in this story is completely credible, right? it’s not like any of them have a history of lying their fucking faces off.

here’s a fun thing the Department of Justice said about Ghislaine Maxwell in 2022.

“Simply put, the defendant lies when it suits her.”

oh, is that wrong, lying under oath during a criminal trial?

because I gotta tell ya, Ghislaine Maxwell has to plead ignorance on this thing. because if anyone had said anything at all to her when she swore to tell the truth that that sort of thing was frowned upon…

as for Todd Blanche, it’s not like he hasn’t always been willing to pour gasoline all over his reputation and set it on fire, if Donny demands it. let’s relive one of my favorite moments from Donny’s Big Election Fraud Fuckery Trial.

Todd Blanche will be for the rest of his life known as the buffoon who stood up in court and tried to convince a judge that it was okay for his client to violate his gag order — because Michael Cohen called him Von ShitzInPantz.

Blanche proceeded to read that colorfully worded, offending post into the record as Trump sat listening at the defense table.

“This one says, oh my, ShitzInPantz,” Blanche recited as he entered a screenshot of the post into the court record as Exhibit 64 — without any objection from prosecutors.

The official court stenographer duly followed along, typing the phrase into the court record as “shits in pants.”

let’s see how that worked out for Todd.

“You’re losing all credibility with the court,” Merchan exasperatedly explained.

tell me — a defense lawyer lectured by a judge during a criminal trial about losing credibility, is that bad?

look, Donny and his minions can release all the interview transcripts they want. it won’t settle shit.

Ghislaine Maxwell — a convicted sex-trafficking sleazeball with a history of lying — has every reason in the world to continue to lie.

she’s already been rewarded for her efforts, having been moved from a maximum security prison to a cushy minimum-security prison camp — a move, by the way, that’s just going swimmingly for everyone.

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Midweek Elation From Jeff Tiedrich

Michelle Obama’s famous slogan, “when they go low, we go high” sounds really great on paper — but in a time of war, it’s a good way to get your head blown off.

and believe me, we are in a time of war — a war to preserve whatever scraps of democracy we still can, while there’s still a chance.

this isn’t the time for high-minded tut-tutting, or strongly-worded letters — which is why it’s so satisfying to watch New York Governor Kathy Hochul vow to go nuclear.

“I want to thank [Texas Democrats] so much for making this journey. you are on the right side of history — and you’re not alone. we are in solidarity with each and every one of you, and your colleagues in another state, hosted by my great friend JD Pritzker, welcome you as well. as I said, history will judge us on how we respond to this moment. but here in New York, we will no stand on the sidelines with the timid souls who don’t care, will not invest their heart and soul into this battle. this is a war. we are at war. and that’s why the gloves are off, and I say ‘bring it on.’”

Kathy Hochul understands the assignment, and she’s drawn a clear line in the sand: don’t fuck with us. if you gerrymander your state, we’ll gerrymander ours.

Hochul has embraced changing New York’s process since the fight over the Lone Star State maps escalated last month. Other Democrats have gone along as well: New York lawmakers introduced a state constitutional amendment last week that would let Democrats make mid-decade adjustments to their maps before the 2028 election cycle.

The redistricting effort she’s pushing in New York could open the door to a new set of maps that give Democrats an edge in 22 of the state’s 26 congressional districts by 2028. They won 19 of the 26 seats in 2024.

New York’s district maps are currently drawn by an independent commission, and Hochul is all that shit don’t fly no more.

reporter: “do you think, given the situation where we’ve had these court battles, that in this 2027 amendment that you may put forward that the independent redistricting commission should be disbanded, or changed in some way?”

Hochul: “yes. I’m tired with fighting this fight with my hands tied behind my back. with all due respect to the good government groups, politics is a political process. and to think we’re gonna do this with a purity test and make sure it’s completely fair to everybody involved. the reason we are able to draw the lines is because we’re Democrats and because the majority of state elected us to be leaders. and when we say that we cannot use that power to its fullest, then we’re abdicating the responsibility that we all have. Republicans take over the legislature, they can have at it — but until then, we’re in charge, and we’re sick and tired of being pushed around, when other states don’t have the same aspirations that we always have had — and I hold those dear. but I cannot ignore that that the playing field has changed, and shame on us if we ignore that fact, and cling tight to the vestiges of the past. that era is over. Donald Trump eliminated that forever.”

fuck yeah, Kathy Hochul. how long have you waited for those words to come out of the mouth of an elected Democrat?

that weird, unfamiliar feeling you’re experiencing right now is elation.

it sure feels good, doesn’t it, finally hearing a Democrat actually say that the playing field has changed, and the era of ‘oh, we’re Democrats, we’re above fighting back’ is over?

now get ready to overdose on elation, because Gavin Newsom is promising to redraw California’s map.

“these folks don’t play by the rules. if they can’t win under the current rules, they’ll just change them. that’s what Donald Trump has done. he’s dialing for seats—familiar behavior, since he dialed for votes in the last election. this is someone who tried to break this country, who tried to light democracy on fire on January 6th. he knows he’s going to lose in the midterms, and we have the opportunity to de facto end the Trump presidency in less than 18 months. that’s what’s at stake. that’s why we’re putting a stake in the ground. we’re not drawing lines just to draw lines — we’re holding the line: on democracy, on the rule of law, on co-equal branches of government, on popular sovereignty. that’s what this is about.”

they’re so chickenshit, these Republicans. they know that Donny’s policies fucking suck, and they know they’re going to get crushed in the 2026 elections and lose their majority in the House — so they’re going to do the only thing they know how to do: cheat.

finally, at long last, Democratic Governors are rousing from their slumbers and actually doing something to preserve democracy, before it’s too late.

thank you, Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom — and JB Pritzker, too.

thank you to every Democratic governor currently contemplating redrawing their electoral maps, for finally figuring it the fuck out:

this is a war.

you’ll never guess how Republicans reacted to getting a taste of their own medicine. they fell all the fuck to pieces and started whining about how unfair Democrats are.

“it is unconstitutional. it is illegal. but here’s what’s going on. everyone across the country needs to understand this. Gavin Newsom is planning to steal five Republican house seats next year … we cannot allow Gavin Newsom to get away with it.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. eat binkie, pal.

can you believe the nerve of these crybabies?

to these hypocritical shitnozzles, it’s perfectly okay for Texas to rip up their district maps in the middle of an election cycle in order gain five more Republican seats. but if Gavin Newsom does the exact same thing to give Democrats the edge in California, suddenly they’re clutching their chests and staggering to their fainting couches.

so unfair! so unfair!

nice histrionics, pal. now dry your eyes and put on a fresh diaper. you brought this war on yourselves.

let’s talk about Texas’s 1st congressional district. from 1846 to 2005 — 159 solid years — that seat was held by a Democrat. not one Republican was elected to the House of Representatives from TX-1. then, in 2005, Republicans gerrymandered the shit out of their maps. guess who’s been TX-1’s congressman since then?

that’s right, it’s this gibbering gobshite.


Louis Gohmert. the low-wattage fuckwit who said we could fight climate change by altering the moon’s orbit. I shit you not.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) asked during a House Natural Resources subcommittee hearing if the National Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management could change the orbits of the moon and Earth in order to help address climate change. Gohmert’s office did not respond to CNN’s requests to clarify his remarks.

thanks to rigged maps, that’s the moron who’s been representing the voters of TX-1 for the last twenty years.

Gohmert was the first Republican to represent the district since Reconstruction. Proving just how Republican the reconfigured district is, Gohmert was reelected seven times with no less than 68 percent of the vote.

and now Texas wants to rig their maps again. they want to send five more Gohmert-level nincompoops to the House, in order to preserve the Republican majority they will otherwise almost certainly lose next year.

yeah? well, fuck that shit and fuck it hard. Republicans, let me introduce you to Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom. they’re not playing patty-cake any more.

what the situation in Texas — where over 50 Dems have left the state in order to break quorum and block legislation — calls for is a really futile and stupid gesture, and Texas Republicans are just the people to do it.

The Texas House voted Monday afternoon to track down and arrest more than 50 Democratic lawmakers who were not present when the chamber gaveled in. After the 85-6 vote, House Speaker Dustin Burrows said he would immediately sign civil warrants for each of the legislators, empowering the chamber’s sergeant-at-arms and state troopers to arrest and bring them to the Capitol.

ooooh, scary!


this threat to arrest Dems is nothing more than a toothless and impotent bit of performative nonsense.

They will not face civil or criminal charges from the arrests. The warrants apply only within state lines, making them largely symbolic as most of the legislators in question decamped to Illinois, New York and Massachusetts to forestall passage of the GOP’s proposed redraw of Texas’ congressional map.

Texas’ razor-wire-booby-trap-loving sadist of a governor, Greg Abbott, is also melting down into a big puddle of hissy right now.

Abbott has threatened to remove the lawmakers from office if they do not return to vote on the Trump-backed redistricting of the state. The governor also suggested that the lawmakers have committed felonies by fundraising to pay off their $500-a-day fees for not being present.

“This truancy ends now,” Abbott said in a letter sent to each of the departed members. “The derelict Democrat House members must return to Texas and be in attendance when the House reconvenes at 3:00 PM on Monday, August 4, 2025.”

here’s the official Democratic response to Razor Wire Greg’s temper tantrum.

oh my god, here comes the elation again. I think I’m passing out…

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

he’s so fucking gross, and he defiles everything he puts his nasty little hands on.

it was bad enough when he tarted up the Oval Office with so much tasteless gold tat that it now looks like the gift shop of a bordello. you could have sent a child in there, armed with macaroni, glue, and a can of gold spray paint, and they would have done a more tasteful job.

tell me, how broken-inside do you have to be to gaze upon a historic and beautifully-curated rose garden and think ‘nah, let’s pave right the fuck over that shit’?

Donny, we’re told, wants the White House grounds to look more like his seedy little Florida golf motel. why? he’s down at Motel-a-Lago almost every weekend. does he really get that homesick the four days of the week he’s up in Washington, that he needs to turn the White House into some sterile parking lot?

does Donny want to be able to look out the Oval Office window, and there’s the Space Nazi, high as two ketamine-soaked kites, sitting on the patio where the Rose Garden used to be, piloting Forkship One to Mars?

nobody asked for this — and yet it’s being shoved in all of our faces, because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells America’s Mad King what he can or can’t do.

now get ready to projectile vomit, because Little Donny Fuckface isn’t done shitting all over what we used to — in more innocent times — call The People’s House.

look at this abomination.

nobody asked for this, but Donny’s going to burn through two hundred million dollars in his quest to bulldoze the White House and replace it with a gaudy golf motel.

and I mean that quite literally — because I hear you asking ‘hey Uncle Jeff. ninety thousand square feet is larger than a football field. how is a ballroom of that size going to fit in the current White House?’

the answer is, it’s not.

the plan is to something-something-something the 55,000-square-foot East Wing and who the fuck knows what after that. if you want actual details, forget about it — because as usual, nobody in the White House can get their stories straight.

here’s Karoline Lie-vitt’s version.

The ballroom will be built where the “small, heavily changed, and reconstructed East Wing currently sits,” Leavitt said Thursday during a press briefing. When asked if crews would tear anything down to make way for the new structure, Leavitt said “the East Wing is going to be modernized.”

that’s complete nonsense. you can’t put a 90,000-square-foot ballroom where the 55,000-square-foot East Wing currently sits without tearing something down.

math, how does it work?

and here’s Donny’s version.

“It won’t be— it’ll be near it, but not touching it, and pays total respect to the existing building, which I’m the biggest fan of,” Mr. Trump said.

so which is it, you ass-clowns? is it going to replace the East Wing, or be near it?

by the way, here’s another artist’s rendition of the new ballroom.

oh no, wait — I’m sorry, that’s an actual photo of the Kremlin.

again, nobody asked for this. you can’t have healthcare, but Donny’s going to set fire to two hundred million dollars in his compulsive crusade to replicate his vermin-infested golf motel.

what’s next for the White House, Donny? hey, how about a spa? just think of it, bro — a vulgar golden spa, complete with teenage “spa girls,” just like the kind you and your dead pedo bestie used to fight over.

Donny won’t be happy until he’s shit all over everything we hold dear. one by one, he’s taken our once-sacred institutions and clownfucked them until they were worthless.

remember the Presidential Medal of Freedom? it used to be the highest honor that our nation could bestow on a civilian.

no more. now it’s that cheap trinket the president’s Slovenian trophy wife hung around the neck of some drug-addled sex-tourist.


Donny’s also made a mockery of our legal system. he’s used his presidential powers to pardon cronies, murderers and war criminals.

nobody should be surprised if he pardons the woman who used to wander the Motel-a-Lago spa rooms in search of teenage girls she could traffic for Donny’s dead pedo bestie.

speaking of which, the hornet’s nest Donny kicked when he let slip that he and Jeffrey Epstein fought over possession of those ‘spa girls’ shows no sign of going away.

yesterday, at a White House event for who the fuck even cares, the only thing the reporters wanted to talk about was you-know-what.

eporter: “the family of Virginia Giuffre released a statement overnight in response to some of the comments that you made this week, that Jeffrey Epstein ‘stole’ people from Mar-a-Lago. at the time, did you know why he was taking those young women, including Virginia Giuffre?”

Donny: “no, I didn’t know. I mean, I would figure it was ABC fake news that would ask that question, one of the worst.”

oh, so a fact that Donny let seep out of his rancid anus-mouth two days ago — that Virginia Giuffre was ‘stolen’ (she wasn’t your possession, Donny) — now, all of a sudden it’s ‘fake news’?

news flash for Donny: you’re the one who put the story out there, dumb-ass.

Does anyone besides the brain-dead cultists really believe that Donny didn’t know what Epstein was up to? what the fuck was that birthday poem about sharing ‘wonderful secrets’ all about?

was it Jeffrey Epstein’s recipe for the perfect bloody mary? was that the ‘wonderful secret’? I don’t think so.

don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining, Donny.

now let’s all enjoy Donny concluding his hissy-fit and walking smack into his podium.

fun fact: one of the signs of advancing dementia is the inability to move around without bumping into things.

here are your heroes of the day: the Swedish state-owned energy company Vattenfall, who hired Samuel L. Jackson to star in a commercial entitled “Motherfucking Wind Farms.”

enjoy.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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It Walks The Earth

Nowadays, no one believes in evil. It is considered, at most, a mere negation of good. Evil, people say, is done by those who know no better – who are undeveloped – who are to be pitied rather than blamed. But… evil is real! It is a fact! I believe in evil as I believe in good. It exists! It is powerful! It walks the earth!” ~ Agatha Christie

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

if Mad King Donny thought questions about his dead pedo bestie wouldn’t follow him all the way to his dilapidated Scotland golf motel, boy did he think wrong — but thinking wrong has pretty much always been Donny’s brand.

Preznit Fuckwit had one of his Many Big Meetings™ yesterday — this one with British Prime Minister Keir Starmer. ostensibly, the meeting was to announce that the two countries had once again agreed to meet to discuss an outline for a framework for notes of a concept for an inkling of a trade deal — but none of the assembled reporters wanted to talk about that dog-and-pony shit. their questions were more along the lines of ‘what the fuck are you covering up, bro?’

reporter: “you said you have not been briefed on the Epstein Files, or your name does not appear in the Epstein Files. but doesn’t the AG have to tell you if your name—”

Donny: “well, I haven’t been overly interested in it. you know, it’s something— it’s a hoax that’s been built up way beyond proportion. I can say this, those files were run by the worst scum on earth. they were run by, uh, Comey, they were run by Garland, they were run by Biden and all of the people that actually ran the government, including the autopen. those files were run for four years, by those people. if they had anything, I assume they would have released it. the whole thing is a hoax. they ran the files. I was running against somebody that ran the files. if they had something, they would have released— now, they can easily put something in the file that’s a phony.”

hoo-boy. let’s see if we can parse this lunatic’s shit-blizzard of tortured logic.

first of all, President Pudding Cup doesn’t know what’s in the files, because he’s ‘not overly interested’ in them — but he does know that whatever’s in them is a hoax. but he also knows that nothing incriminating is in them, because if there were, Biden would have released them. but maybe there isfake stuff, because it would be easy to do. Donny can’t stick to one story.

notice how the cast of characters keeps changing. last week, Obama and Hillary were in the mix. this week, they’re gone, replaced by Merrick Garland and — get this — Joe Biden’s autopen. how the fuck does that work? how did the autopen help write the Epstein Files? can we get Comer Fudd to subpoena the autopen? I’ll bet it’s got stories to tell that would set your ears on fire.

never lose sight of the fact that Donny ran on a promise to release the Epstein Files — a promise he swore to keep, right up until the moment Pam Bondi took him aside and said ‘shut the fuck up about the Files already, your name is all over that shit.’ that’s when the Files magically went from real to a hoax.

that’s why none of Donny’s pungent mouth-farts about how ‘the Files are a hoax’ hold water.

every time Donny opens his big fat yap, he just makes himself sound guiltier and guiltier.

what’s that you say, Donny? you want to dig yourself deeper? go right ahead, my dude.

“and by the way, I never went to the island. and Bill Clinton went there supposedly uhhhhhhh 28 times. uh, I never went to the island, but Larry Summers, I hear, went there. he was the head of Harvard, and many other people who are very big people, nobody ever talks about them. I never had the privilege of going to his island. and I did turn it down, but a lot of people in Palm Beach were invited to his island.”

methinks the Mad King doth protest too much.

Donny never went to Epstein’s island, understand? but look over there! Bill Clinton did, and so did Larry Summers! so did ‘many big people’! and ‘people in Palm Beach’! hey, you know who else went to Epstein Island? SQUIRREL!

by the way, where is Donny getting his information that Bill Clinton was at the island 28 times? is it from the fake Epstein Files that Hillary Clinton was one of the authors of? did she put that in there, the number 28? or was it the autopen who did that?

remember that with Donny, every accusation is a confession. his angry insistence that he’s never been to Epstein’s island is all the proof you need that he’s been there so many times that he could draw a map of it for you. oh no, wait — Donny doesn’t do drawings.

reporter: “that drawing that the Wall Street Journal report—”

Donny: “I don’t do drawings. I’m not a drawing person. I don’t do drawings … I don’t do drawings of women, that I can tell you. they say there’s a drawing of a woman, and I don’t do drawings of women.”

fact check:

does the Imbecile-in-Chief really not understand how totally guilty he makes himself look when he denies doing what we’ve all seen him do?

how’d that fucking drawing get in the book, Donny? was it Joe Biden’s autopen?

keep talking, Donny. you’re guaranteeing that the press never drops this story.

and now for the Crowning Moment of Moron. Donny’s going to — to at long last — divulge a 20-year-old secret: why did he break up with his pedo bestie? we’re all on the edge of our chair right now, because until this moment, Donny’s always refused to talk about it.

lay it on us, honcho.

reporter: “the time you threw him out of Mar-a-Lago. would you settle that? what was that all about?”

Donny: “that’s such old history. very easy to explain, but I don’t want to waste your time by explaining it. but for years, I wouldn’t talk to Jeffrey Epstein. I wouldn’t talk, because he did something that was inappropriate: he hired help. and I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he stole people that worked for me. I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he did it again, and I threw him out of the place. and that was it.”

[I’d wager that good ol’ Jeff tried to get a piece of Ivanka, and as we all know, she’s strictly Donnie’s property. – MA]

wait, what? that’s what Donny’s pedo bestie did, that was ‘inappropriate’? he poached workers from Donny’s shitty golf motel?

that’s Donny line in the sand? that’s his bridge too fucking far?

so that’s what broke the friendship apart. not the fact that Epstein was a complete skeeve. that wasn’t ‘inappropriate.’ not the fact that Epstein literally raped the teenage girls that his equally-skeevy girlfriend procured for him. no, all that was totes cool with Donny, and certainly not ‘inappropriate,’ either.

all these slime-balls deserve each other — in hell.

oh, wait — before we go, let’s watch Donny struggle to answer a question that for once wasn’t about his dead pedo bestie.

reporter: “you talked about setting up food centers in conjunction with other organizations.”

here’s how you can tell that this European reporter has never dealt with America’s Mad King before: he uses a big word like ‘conjunction.’ but let’s let him continue.

reporter: “are you talking about Gaza? how will this work?”

Donny: “well it’s going to be working with the United States, uh, helping with the food. we have a lot of access to food. we gotta lotta food, ourselves, and we’re gonna bring it over there. we’re also going to make sure they don’t have barriers stopping people. you’ve seen the area where they actually have food, and the people are screaming for food, they’re thirty-five, forty yards away, and they won’t let them because they have lines. that are set up. and whether they’re set up by Hamas or whoever, they’re very strict lines. we have to get rid of those lines.”

what is Donny blithering about, he’s seen ‘lines’ set up by ‘Hamas or whoever,’ and that’s why starving Palestinians can’t get food?

once again, Donny doesn’t know shit about shit — but all this incoherent gibberish makes much more sense when you realize that Donny is probably reacting to a context-free clip he saw on Fox News. he has no idea what the lines were for, or who set them up — ‘Hamas or whoever’ — because he no doubt had the sound turned down and was only half paying attention.

that’s where Donny is getting his information on the massive, deliberate human rights violations going on in Gaza: from Fox News. he’s as fucking ignorant about current events as his own brain-dead cultists are.

maybe it was Joe Biden’s autopen that drew that line.

but wait — it gets stupider.

Donny: “we’re going to be getting some good strong food.”

I’m sorry, good strong what?

the sitting president of the United States has a toddler’s understanding of the world, and a vocabulary to match. it really makes you want to guzzle paint thinner straight from the can.

here’s your hero of the day: the unknown person who interrupted Donny’s remarks on the front steps of his ramshackle Scotland golf motel.

give a listen as Donny gets drowned out by the only sound on the planet more annoying than his own grating voice: bagpipes.

can we please hire this person to come to Washington, DC?

Posted on

We’re Living In The Worst Timeline

 

oh yes he did, and a camera captured the entire dirty deed. I promise, we’re going to talk about it. but first…

sometimes you just want to take your average Republican aside and go ‘what’s the deal with you? as an infant, were you dropped on your head, like, over and over? did you eat ALL the lead paint chips? was there a gas leak in your house?’

how the fuck else do you explain this?

“just so people understand, wind and solar only work when there is wind and sun. we don’t have technology to store the energy from wind and solar. so if you make yourself reliant on wind and solar, then if there’s no sun and no wind, you get no energy. it’s insane.”

oh my sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, how does Republican hand-puppet Marc Thiessen not know about the existence of batteries?

what other modern-day advances is Thiessen serenely unaware of? does he serve his children uncooked meat, cheerfully explaining that ‘just so you understand, we don’t have the technology to get food really hot’?

of course, there is an actual explanation for Theissen’s apparent ignorance of twenty-first century tech — and, sadly, that explanation has nothing to do with paint chips or head trauma. it’s worse.

Thiessen knows how storage batteries work. he’s just pretending to be a dipshit because he — along with the entire Republican establishment — have sold their souls to this fucking imbecile.

President Paintchips McDroppedonhead is a genuine fuckwit who knows dick about dick. he really does imagine that solar planes drop out of the sky when they fly under a cloud.

because Dear Leader is a volatile toddler who can Never Be Wrong About Anything, everyone is forced to play along, and insist that ‘we don’t have technology to store the energy from wind and solar.’

if Thiessen went on TV and said, ‘Donny is so wrong about renewable technology,’ his career as a speechwriter and a think tank fellow and a WaPo columnist would be over.

it would be fuckity-bye, fat paycheck. so long, invitations to the best cocktail parties. sayonara, appearances on Fox News.

same deal with Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin.

Markwayne’s already stood up in the well of the Senate and loudly proclaimed that, regarding Donny’s dead pedo bestie, ‘what we’re simply trying to do is give [Donny] cover’ — so you know that everything that falls out of his dumb mouth is compromised.

to stay in Dear Leader’s good graces, Markwayne has to pretend that he has no idea how years work, or when anything happened, ever.

Markwayne Mullin: “remember, there was a plea deal that was struck in 2009, way before I was in office, way before Trump was even considering to be in office, way before Pam Bondi was in office, way before Kash Patel was director, 2009, there was a sweetheart plea deal that was made underneath the Obama administration with Epstein, and that sweetheart has not been exposed.”

Jake Tapper: “no, it was 2008. the US attorney at the time was a guy named Alex Acosta. he was a Bush appointee. He went on to become President Trump’s secretary of labor. that all took place in 2008.”

Mullin: “who was in office at the time?”

Tapper: “2008, George W. Bush.”

Mullin: “no, 2009 was when the case came out, and Obama was in office at the time.”

Tapper: “it’s not true.”

imagine being so pig-headedly wrong about something that even that grinning hack Jake Tapper is forced to commit a journalism and fact-check you.

oh look, America’s self-appointed panty inspector has found something she gets off on more than doing Restroom Dick Patrol.

“one of my favorite things to watch on YouTube these days are the court hearings where illegals are in court and ICE shows up to drag them out of court and deport them. I can think of nothing more American.”

ugh. just … ugh.

the thing is, Nancy isn’t pretending. unlike her colleagues Marc and Markwayne, she’s not making up some story in order to mollify Dear Leader.

she really is this fucked in the head.

I have no problem believing that Nancy Mace, at the end of a long day, kicks back by settling in with a box of wine, opening a browser tab, and laughing out loud as immigrants who have shown up in court to fulfill their legal duty are wrestled to the ground by masked goons, dragged away in handcuffs and disappeared into Salvadoran slave-labor torture gulags.

and how does Nancy explain her over-the-top glee at the expense of other peoples’ misery?

“I can think of nothing more American.”

what a horrible excuse for a human being.

here you go, Nance. you win today’s Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck Award.

all this Republican psychopathy is in service of a preening narcissist who has been coddled to the point where an entire infrastructure of cheating has been created around him, so he can blissfully live inside a fantasy-bubble where he’s the very bestest of the best at everything.

check out what happened yesterday at Donny’s Scotland golf motel. Donny had hit his ball into the rough, or the sand trap — it doesn’t really matter where it is, because Donny’s not going to play that ball. watch:

that’s right, Donny’s caddie casually pulls a new ball out of his pocket and tosses it on the ground for Donny to take a swing at.

that caddie didn’t have to be told to cheat. he walks around with pockets stuffed with extra golf balls, because — just like Marc Theissen and MarkWayne Mullin — he knows what’s expected of him.

that’s how Donny — a mediocre golfer at best — has “won” eleventy skillion consecutive championships at his own golf motels: by cheating his cheating ass off.

and everyone around Donny is expected to shut the fuck up and pretend that cheating isn’t really cheating when Dear Leader does it.

let’s zoom in and slow that shit down.

when I showed this clip to Ms. Spouse just now, she shook her head and said ‘he really is a piece of shit.’

no lies detected.