Category: FUCK TRUMP

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The Week In Stupid From Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: stop the presses! no wait, start them back up

here’s Utah Senator Mike Lee with some stunning news — the kind of five-alarm shit you can only announce with flashing siren emojis.

holy shit. Fed Chair Jerome Powell is out! fuck yeah! BUH-BYE, Jerome, you obstructionist cum-sock! rack up another win for Dear Leader!

I mean, it’s totally weird how no actual news source is reporting this, but look: Mike’s posted the resignation letter — and Mike’s an actual US Senator, so it’s got to be legit, right?

hang on — wait just one goddamned minute, what’s going on with that seal down at the bottom? let’s take a closer look.

Mike Lee, you fucking imbecile. you got taken in by some shoddy AI-generated slop.

look at the lettering, you dunce. “Odeo of Govery8s8 of the Eirebal Reserve SielVa” — which just happens to be my favorite branch of government, because they’re the ones who sAe our en5rre coun!ey’s in#riiet r4t88.

the Senator Dipshit deleted his tweet, but — look, Mike, I hate to be the one to break this to you: you do know what the internet never does, don’t you?

that’s right, it never forgets.

tuesday: cloudy with a chance of dumbfuck

what happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial, but evidently the covid pandemic completely clownfucked her brain, because now she’s a full-bore conspiracy loon.

not only does Naomi find the evil machinations of the Deep State lurking around every corner — she seems completely befuddled by the sky.

“I don’t even know what this is, Salem MA”

ooh! ooh! ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!

oh wait, the entire internet got there before me.

now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter —

— because the entire internet also showed up to mock the shit out of Naomi’s dumb-as-fuck tweet.

undaunted, Naomi’s back for more.

ok, I confess, Naomi. this is what clouds look like when the Jewish Space Lasers are scanning the Earth in search of fuckwit conspiracy loons to torment.

don’t mess with us.

wednesday: the more you know

hey, remember Glenn Beck? me neither. as one of Fox News’ original found objects, he was fucking huge back in the day, with a highly-rated daily show. but that was then, and this is now. Glenn still does a show. you can see it on the who even cares, nobody watches it network.

what happens when a parody becomes a parody of itself? get ready to find out, because here’s Glenn to explain exactly how Barack HUSSEIN Obama treasoned with Russia.

oh my god, Obama’s evil conspiracy has so many tentacles that TWO chalkboards can barely contain the ginormity of it.

good lord, Glenn Beck has meme-ified himself.

but of all the questions raised by Glenn’s two chalkboards, there’s only one that I need answered: has Glenn Beck been filching his wardrobe out of the dumpster behind Steve Bannon’s house?

thursday: you know a lot of what now?

listen up, all you commie rat bastards trying to take down our Great Dear Leader. Tennessee Rep Tim Burchett has a question for you: what’s the big deal about Donny having a dead pedo bestie? don’t we all?

“they knew each other. they ran in the same circles. it’s just like me. I know a lot of dirtbags myself.”

excuse me, you what?

that’s a stunning confession, Tim — and we’re going to need to know a lot more about these ‘dirbags’ you’re hanging out with.

does your name show up over and over on their flight logs?

do your dirtbag friends have 14 different phone numbers for you in their little black books?

do you encourage your children to hang out with your dirtbag friends?

most importantly, do you and your dirtbag friends get up into the kind of madcap hijinks where you invite a bunch of young “calendar girls” to a “party” at your tacky Florida golf motel, and when they get there, they find out that the only two dudes in attendance are you and your fuckface pedo pal?

just asking questions, Tim. we’re still allowed to ask questions in the Mad King’s hellish dystopia, aren’t we?

friday: you see what kind of people?

you may have asked yourself, how did Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack HUSSEIN Obama find the time to gin up all that fake Epstein File flim-flammery, just to make Dear Leader look bad?

I mean, they produced hundreds of thousands of pages of documents. that’s a lot of work for just three people, isn’t it? even with the help of James Comey and John Brennan, come on, that’s still a fuckload of effort.

QAnon conspiracy crank Scott McKay has the answer: ginning up all that bogus data is a piece of cake when everyone involved is dead.

my contact called me afterwards and gave me an amazing drop of information, or confirmation, of what exactly has been going on in this battle. number one is that Hillary Clinton has been removed from the playing field. she was removed December 31st, 2018, I believe it was, at Gitmo. Trump witnessed it. horrible thing he saw, he said. apparently she wouldn’t die. so, he said he never wanted to see it again. also there were six, five different Bidens that have been playing out that role. I just got off the phone with the same person, who is now overseas. I sent him a text earlier about something, and he said, by the way, and I won’t mention the woman’s name, who this came from, this is a high-level official. but he said, the text that I just got from her, said, ‘fake Obama — arrest coming soon.’ so, once again, these players have already been removed from the playing field.”

um, Scott? Nurse Ratched is here to remind you that it’s medication time.

now here’s the nice attendant to help you back to your bed, bro.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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I Need To Go Shower Now

Here are all of the Epstein Files that have either been leaked or released (via Reddit) in case they all go fuckity bye there.

https://joshwho.net/EpsteinList/gov.uscourts.nysd.447706.1320.0-combined.pdf (verified court documents)

https://joshwho.net/EpsteinList/black-book-unredacted.pdf (verified pre-Bondi) Trump is on page 85, or pdf pg. 80

Here’s the flight logs https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21165424-epstein-flight-logs-released-in-usa-vs-maxwell/

Trump’s name is circled. The circled individuals are the ones involved in the trafficking ring according to the person who originally released the book. These people would be “The List “ Here is the story.

Other Epstein Information

https://cdn.factcheck.org/UploadedFiles/Johnson_TrumpEpstein_Calif_Lawsuit.pdfhere’s a court doc of Epstein and Trump raping a 13 yr old together.

Some people think this claim is a hoax. Here is Katies testimony on youtube:

 

Jeffrey Epstein’s Ex Says He Boasted About Being a Mossad Agent https://share.google/jLMGahKlCzfV1RHZq Jeffrey Epstein and Israel have both have the same lawyer Alan Dershowitz Dershowitz says he’s building ‘legal dream team’ to defend Israel in court and on international stage | The Times of Israel https://share.google/Lb9hDOduBWG4Elpid

Other Trump information

Here’s Trump admitting to peeping on 14-15 year old girls at around 1:40 on the Howard Stern Radio Show:

Trump’s promise to his daughter: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-dating-promise_n_57ee98cbe4b024a52d2ead02 “I have a deal with her. She’s 17 and doing great ― Ivanka. She made me promise, swear to her that I would never date a girl younger than her,” Trump said. “So as she grows older, the field is getting very limited.”

Trump’s modeling agency was probably part of Jeffreys pipeline: https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/08/donald-trump-model-management-illegal-immigration/

Do your part and spread them around like a meme sharing them and saving them helps too!

If those didn’t work try these: https://ia600705.us.archive.org/21/items/epsteindocs/ https://goppredators.wordpress.com/ https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/49344563

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that you don’t even know where to start. so let’s just spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh look, the House just made itself go fuckity-bye for the rest of the summer.


why? because mean old Thomas Massie has been walking around with a big, throbbing discharge petition in his pants, and he’s been threatening to expose it to everyone.

House Speaker Limpdick Von Gavel had worked himself into a Ginormous Furious over this discharge petition — because had Massie gotten the chance to pull it out, it would have forced a vote on releasing the Epstein Files.

The acrimony comes as Massie continues to push for a vote on his bipartisan resolution calling for the release of documents in the Jeffrey Epstein case, a measure many Republicans are opposed to. Massie is vowing to use a discharge petition to force a vote on the measure, something rarely used by a member of the majority.

and so Speaker Limpdick did the only thing he could. he bravely ran away, away.

in fact, he made everyone run away.

Speaker Mike Johnson announced on Tuesday that he was cutting short the week’s legislative business and sending the House home early for the summer on Wednesday to avoid having to hold votes on releasing files related to the accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

there you have it, folks. that’s the length to which the entire Republican apparatus will go to suppress every shred of evidence about the sick shit that Dear Leader and his dead pedo bestie were up to — they’ll even make themselves go fuckity-bye.

the most useless Congress in history now goes home for the rest of the summer. apart from that big ugly bill that shreds the social safety net while giving another huge tax cut to gazillionaires, they accomplished fuck-all. they couldn’t even manage to rename a post office.

now, all these worthless Republican Reps can go back to their home districts and do fuck-all at home. don’t expect these profiles in courage to hold any town halls. they all know what will happen if they do: they’ll have to listen to angry constituents scream at them about why is my health insurance gone? why did the Space Nazi get a tax cut? — and above all: why didn’t you vote to release the Epstein Files?

everyone knows that Dear Leader’s name is all over the Epstein Files. otherwise, why would every one of Donny’s enablers be working so hard to make sure those files never see the light of day?

what a ridiculous fucking charade.

oh look, President Saddy McSadsad is sad.

“We had the Greatest Six Months of any President in the History of our Country, and all the Fake News wants to talk about is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax!”

oh, boo fucking hoo. put a sock in it, you whiny jackass.

first of all, was this past six months really the greatest of any presidency? fact check:

as for the second part: Alexa, are the Epstein Files all anyone wants to talk about?

fact check: of fucking course they are — because every five minutes, new shit comes to light.

Photos from 1993 confirm for the first time that Epstein attended Trump’s 1993 wedding to Marla Maples. Epstein’s attendance at the ceremony at the Plaza Hotel was not widely known until now.

In addition, footage from a 1999 Victoria’s Secret fashion event in New York shows Trump and Epstein laughing and chatting together ahead of the runway event.

what else should we be talking about, Donny, if not your pedo bestie? would you like us to talk about how increasingly demented and incoherent you are? would that make you happier?

you know, he has these think tanks. and they build— they build buildings for people that think. and it’s really not thinking, it’s uhh, a little bit of combination of thinking, but it’s uhh, it’s something you sort of have, or you don’t have.”

holeeeey shit. ‘they build buildings for people that think.’ no, wait — they don’t just think, they do a combination of thinking. or they don’t, because it’s something only some people have.

here’s your pudding cup, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants. it’s obviously way past your bedtime.

by the way, they also build buildings for people who don’t think.

but please, do go on, sir. we’re hanging on every word.

“but what we found is even more so. we found absolute— this isn’t like evidence, or the— this is like proof. irrefutable proof, that Obama was sedatious. that Obama led— was trying to lead a coup. and it was with Hillary Clinton, with all these other people. but Obama headed it up. and, if, you know, I get a kick when I hear— everyone talks about about people I never even heard of, was this— no, no, it was Obama. he headed it up. and it says so right in the papers. and everything. got everything. this is the biggest scandal in the history of our country. and it really goes on to even the autopen.”

words, do they even exist?

what is ‘sedatious,’ does anyone know? is that when you’re bodacious andseditious?

excuse me, but where are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media? can not one of these wastes of space stand up and, at long last, finally ask what the fuck is wrong with you?


no, they can’t.

they’re all content just stand around and nod their heads, as if a diaper-loading grievance-factory hallucinating crimes and threatening to imprison his predecessor was the most normal thing in the world.

nothing to see here, right?

imagine if Joe Biden had accused Donny of trying to lead a coup. OH WAIT, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.


Barack Obama has issued a response to the Mad King’s caterwauling.

Out of respect for the office of the presidency, our office does not normally dignify the constant nonsense and misinformation flowing out of this White House with a response. But these claims are outrageous enough to merit one. These bizarre allegations are ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction.

Nothing in the document issued last week undercuts the widely accepted conclusion that Russia worked to influence the 2016 presidential election but did not successfully manipulate any votes. These findings were affirmed in a 2020 report by the bipartisan senate intelligence committee, led by then-chairman Marco Rubio.

that’s pretty eloquent, but I like Stephen Colbert’s response to Donny better.

“go fuck yourself.”

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Can You Say Desperation?

Little Donny Fuckface is rattled right now. he wants nothing more than for everyone to stop asking so many questions about his dead pedo bestie. for the first time in his soft, privileged life, the press has sunk its teeth into a scandal they can’t be distracted from — and the Mad King hasn’t a clue how to handle it.

Donny’s playing all the old hits, throwing everything at the wall and hoping that something — anything! — will stick.

Obama did a treason! Biden did an autopen! sports isn’t racist enough! Murdoch sucks! Colbert sucks! I’m suing everybody! SQUIRREL!!!

it’s not working. nothing is working — and Donny’s getting slaughtered in the polls.

just how rattled is Team Donny right now? this rattled: they’ve raised the threat level to DEFCON Hillary.

it’s right there on page one of the Republican Diversion Handbook: when all else fails, investigate the Email Lady.

Bondi announced Monday that the Department of Justice has released documents tied to the FBI’s investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server during her tenure as Secretary of State. The move comes in response to a long-standing request from Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley, who has pushed for greater transparency surrounding the probe.

oh, thank the day. Chuck Grassley — who, at six hundred and seventy-nine years of age, is America’s oldest living elected official — is finally going to get to the bottom of this whole Hillary emails thing.

Chuck’s premise is that the FBI didn’t try hard enough to gin up proof that Hillary broke laws by running her own email server. Grassley believes that when the initial FBI investigation came up with bupkis, they should have opened a second. and if that one didn’t prove criminal culpability, they should have opened a third.

in other words, the FBI should have Benghazi’d the shit out of that email server.

Benghazi — now there was an investigation. do you think Republicans were daunted when they couldn’t find any proof that Hillary was responsible for the deaths of four diplomats in Libya? fuck no. they immediately cranked a second investigation in high gear. and then a third. a fourth. a fifth.

do you know how many total investigations there were into Benghazi? eight. that includes the one where they hauled Hillary before live cameras and made her testify for eleven consecutive hours — which she did with grace and humor.

so you can well understand why Chuck Grassley can’t believe that everyone just gave the fuck up after one email investigation. who does that, investigate Hillary only once? it makes no sense.

and, of course, Pam Bondi couldn’t wait to agree to Grassley’s request to declassify everything the FBI had on Hillary. anything — anything — to get MAGA’s mind off of the Epstein Files.

naturally, the wingnut outrage-industrial complex is only too happy to play along.

but as long they’re delving into Hillary’s imaginary crimes again, maybe they could check out that time when she accidentally butt-dialed a journalist and texted him classified war plans.

oh wait, that wasn’t Hillary who did that. it was the Fox News dunk-tank clown who screwed that up.

someone remind me, how many hearings were held after Pete Kegstand’s actual breach of national security? I seem to recall it was zero.

and please, someone remind me how many hours Congress spent grilling Piss-Drunk Pete on live television? spoiler alert: again, it was zero.

how many hours did Donny Convict spend testifying before the January 6th Committee? again, I seem to recall it was zero. in fact, when Donny was subpoenaed to testify, he blew it off and didn’t show up.

but sure, let’s just hassle the Email Lady every day for the rest of her life. there’s got to be something on her. there’s just got to be.

look: the only thing that anyone needs to know about Hillary’s emails is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein files.

hey, as long as Pam Bondi is so horny to declassify FBI files and hand them out like party favors, I have a couple of requests — because there are some other unsolved scandals that really need to be looked into.

topmost: it’s time to reopen the investigation into TanSuitGate.

could we please get all the files about Obama’s tan suit?

sure, everyone knows that Obama wore a tan suit, but we never found out why.

look at poor old Comer Fudd. he still can’t figure out how old Joe Biden is.

I’m sure the FBI has files somewhere with Joe Biden’s birthdate on them. could someone do Comer a solid and pass them his way?

hey Donny — you want this to all go away? I have an easy solution for you: just release the files, and let everyone see for themselves how you did nothing wrong.

I mean, you’re innocent right? and innocent people don’t generally suppress the very files that prove how innocent they are, am I right?

am I right?

here’s another thing Pam Bondi did yesterday: she declassified a bunch of FBI files on the 1968 assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.

look at us, releasin’ files. we’re so fucking transparent. who can accuse us of covering up anything? that was the intended message behind this bit of Kabuki.

you know who wasn’t impressed? Bernice King, MLK’s daughter.

in a world of Mad Kings, be a Bernice King.

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Fuck You, Paramount

The reason I gave? “Because you bent over and spread your cheeks for Felon 45.”

Yeah, I’ll miss out on the new seasons of Star Trek, but I’ll live. This bullshit has gone on long enough.

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A Little Something From BTC

Let’s get a little meta here and dig into the Epstein fallout from a political perspective.

Is this weird conspiracy theory really what we should be focusing on?

I am a student of the Dan Pfeiffer philosophy that we exploit issues that unite our party and divide the other party. Democrats are united in their desire to see the Epstein files released. Most Republicans also want to see the Epstein files released, other than a small faction of the most hardcore MAGA supporters. A YouGov poll from July 15 revealed as much:

It is political malpractice not to exploit an issue that unites 85% of Democrats, 76% of Independents, and 75% of Republicans— leaving Donald Trump and his sycophants appealing to a pathetic four percent of Americans.

Elevating independent or rightwing voices

Trump’s position has earned him bipartisan criticism. He’s being assailed by the likes of Joe Rogan, Theo Von, Andrew Schulz, Dave Smith, Shane Gillis, and many others. We should highlight their voices for two reasons: first, if you’re a Democrat, you may not have much credibility with Independents or Republicans. I certainly have far less credibility with Trump supporters than Joe Rogan – who helped Trump get elected – has with those same people. Which means that while my criticism may not carry much weight, his does. If I can help share effective criticism, why wouldn’t I jump at the opportunity? This is not about validating rightwing platforms or endorsing all of their opinions; this is about amplifying a message that will be particularly persuasive among the broader universe of voters. Period. Remember: the goal of politics is not purity; it’s winning elections, gaining power, and enacting our agenda.

Second, we need to create an incentive structure for those flirting with anti-Trump messaging to speak out. For example, Theo Von weighed in on this issue:

If we attack Theo Von as he’s criticizing the Trump administration (“You voted for this!”), what incentive is there for him to criticize them further? None. So throw him a like and retweet, and welcome his voice into the chorus of other voices speaking out. Our response cannot be to scold those who can be our allies – effective allies! – in this fight.

The right is very good is offering positive reinforcement to those who promote their agenda, and as a result, those people do it over and over until they’re fully red-pilled. We can’t let our pride or egos get in the way of smart politics. We win by adopting a strategy of addition, not subtraction.

Aren’t there more important issues to focus on?

Yes and no. There are no shortage of people who would say that the ICE raids, cuts to healthcare and food assistance, the dismantling of the ACA, the abandonment of our climate goals, and the sustained attack on the judiciary are more important than the files related to the wrongdoing of a dead pedophile. Other people would say that holding the other people involved in the crimes of that dead pedophile accountable for their behavior is also extraordinarily important. The reality is that we shouldn’t dismiss either one. But let’s consider the reality of our media environment. It is very, very rare for a political issue to break through in a way that the Epstein story has (on Thursday night, it was even mentioned at the ESPYs). It’s even more rare that it redounds to the political benefit of Democrats and to the detriment of Trump and Republicans. In moments like these, it’s not only impossible but unwise to try and swim against the tide. The country is united in its opposition to Trump and Republicans on this issue. There will be many, many opportunities to discuss healthcare and immigration and the courts and everything else this administration is doing. But in this moment, take the win and join the chorus of voices – left, right, and center – in giving this White House its much deserved derision.

How should we talk about this?

The questions write themselves. Why did Trump lie to his supporters about releasing the Epstein files? What is he hiding? Is he in the files? Who is he protecting? Whatever he’s trying to keep under wraps must be bad enough to warrant his insistence that he would rather lose the support of his own votersthan humor their demands for the information (that he himself promised them) to be released. Trump’s supporters voted for him because they believed that – his own warts notwithstanding – he would be the one who could expose the systemic corruption that allows powerful, wealthy elites to get away with heinous crimes. Instead, they’re learning that not only does Trump have no intention of exposing that systemic corruption, he’s actually entrenching it. Put simply, if you plan on staking your reputation on exposing criminals, don’t act surprised when your reputation craters once you opt to protect them instead.

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Thursday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

oyal MAGA patriots, please stand by for a personal message of the utmost importance from Dear Leader. ready? here it is:

‘why u so fuken dum?’

“they want to talk about the Epstein hoax. the sad part is, it’s people that are really doing the Democrats’ work. they’re stupid people.”

I hate to break it to you MAGAs, but this is Donny’s messaging now: that thing that actually happened, and that he encouraged you to believe in for years, is a now a hoax, and you’re an idiot for believing it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love breaking it to you that Dear Leader thinks you’re an idiot. how’s it feel, cultists, to find out that the guy you’ve devoted your life to just dropped you like a sack of potatoes?

oh look, it’s time for another Reading from the Book of Dumbfuck.

h joy, we’re in for a rehashing of every grudge and grievance. buckle in, here comes some turbulence.

The Radical Left Democrats have hit pay dirt, again! Just like with the FAKE and fully discredited Steele Dossier, the lying 51 “Intelligence” Agents, the Laptop from Hell, which the Dems swore had come from Russia (No, it came from Hunter Biden’s bathroom!), and even the Russia, Russia, Russia Scam itself, a totally fake and made up story used in order to hide Crooked Hillary Clinton’s big loss in the 2016 Presidential Election, these Scams and Hoaxes are all the Democrats are good at – It’s all they have – They are no good at governing, no good at policy, and no good at picking winning candidates.

fact check: [mimes jerk-off motions]

Joe Biden brought us out of a pandemic, and our economy recovered at a rate faster than almost any other country in the world.

now, here comes the juicy part.

Also, unlike Republicans, they stick together like glue. Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bullshit,” hook, line, and sinker. They haven’t learned their lesson, and probably never will, even after being conned by the Lunatic Left for 8 long years. I have had more success in 6 months than perhaps any President in our Country’s history, and all these people want to talk about, with strong prodding by the Fake News and the success starved Dems, is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax. Let these weaklings continue forward and do the Democrats work, don’t even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don’t want their support anymore!

holy shit! Donny just actually called his cultists ‘weaklings,’ and said he doesn’t want their support any more!

Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

YES, YOU NOW HAVE MY FULL ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

look, we get it. all that fuckery Donny got caught dead to rights doing, he’s always been able to sell it to the cultists as a hoax, just by shouting hoax hoax hoax until it sticks.

that shit’s worked in the past, but it’s not working with the Epstein Files, because Donny has a serious problem: he’s taken his own credibility out to the gavel pit and noemed it until it was dead dead dead.

hey, remember when this happened?

remember when a bunch of left-wing commie influencers were invited to the Biden White House and were each given their own binder labeled “the Epstein Files, Phase 1”? that was—

[taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that these are MAGA influencers who were at the White House in February of this year, and those binders were handed to them by Donny’s own flunkies.

MAGA remembers that day. they ran around punching their fists in the air, and shouting about how at last, the truth will out! — and now the cultists are being told they’re ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing the thing Donny handed them and told them to believe.

and what about the literal hundreds of photos and videos of Donny and Jeffrey partying together?

 

are MAGAs now supposed to believe that all these images are part of some ‘deep state’ conspiracy?

let’s check in with the cultists, and see how they enjoy being called ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing ‘bullshit.’

Donald Trump just said he doesn’t want my support anymore because I care about the Epstein Files. Goodbye, Mr. President. You just lost me.”

oh dear — I don’t think they’re buying it.

“gaslight us harder daddy”

check out misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. on Tuesday, Donny personally phoned Chuckers and begged him to shut the fuck up about Epstein. it worked…

…for about 24 hours. it turns out that even bizarre lawn ornaments hate being called stupid.

oh. huh.

over at MechaHitler’s Nazi Bar, the hashtag #trumppedofiles has been trending for days now.

so yeah, things are going just swimmingly right now for the Mad King.

oh, is it time to play Easy Questions, Easy Answers again?

[raises hand] wait, I know the answer to this! Alex, it’s because Donny’s a self-destructive imbecile.

as he’s done so many times in the past, Donny’s made things worse for himself. what he should have said was nothing — because let’s face it, the cultists are dumb as fuck, and they’re easily distracted. if Donny had played this right, the whole thing would have already burned itself out, and MAGA would have moved on to the next shiny object. but Donny can’t ever keep his rancid anus-mouth shut, and by calling his cultists stupid weaklings whose support he no longer wants, he’s once again shoved his dick into a hornet’s nest and clownfucked it into a frenzy.

good going, dumb-ass.

here’s another thing that happened yesterday. tell me, does this firing make Donny’s ass look guilty?

Maurene Comey was a lead prosecutor on the investigation and prosecution of Epstein and his former girlfriend and accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell. Maxwell was convicted and is serving a 20-year sentence.

oh sure, let’s take the one person in the Department of Justice who knows all the dirt on Epstein, and make her job go fuckity-bye — right as interest in the Epstein Files is reaching a fever pitch. there’s nothing suspicious about the timing at all.

that Maurene is James Comey’s daughter is just icing on the cake.

I don’t know about you, but President Guilty McGuiltyguilty sure sounds like he’s guilty of something.

reporter: “President Trump, would you consider appointing a special counsel to investigate the Jeffrey Epstein investigation?”

Donny: “I have nothing to do with it.” [hurries the fuck away]

one thing is for certain: Donny would like to THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO ANY OTHER MATTER IN THE WORLD

“I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so. I’d like to thank all of those in authority at Coca-Cola. This will be a very good move by them — You’ll see. It’s just better!”

it looks like Donny’s plan is to distract us with another round of Things That Never Happened The Most™.

Donny, come clean. were you speaking to Coca-Cola, or were you speaking to a bottle of Coca-Cola? is that bottle in the room with us right now?

it’s a legit question, because when NBC News contacted Coca-Cola for comment, they were all we’re putting the what in what now?

hey Gavin Newsom, are you distracted yet?

No Fucks To Give Newsom is my favorite Gavin Newsom.

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene is fucking livid. she’s had it up to here with all these scumbag shitweasels refusing to release the Epstein Files — and she wants everyone to know just how she feels about it.

“America deserves the truth about Jeffrey Epstein and the rich powerful elites in his circle. The line is drawn with anyone who abuses children and vulnerable innocent people. When George Santos is going to prison for 7 years but Epstein only served 13 months, our justice system is CORRUPT!!!”

note that Madge posted that screed at 8:49pm on Monday. hold that in your mind, because here’s a super-awesome thing she did at 2:19pm on Tuesday:she voted to block the release of the Epstein Files.

in fact, House Republicans voted unanimously to stuff the Epstein Files back down the memory hole. fuckity-bye, Files!

now check out who else is mad has hell, and not going to take it any more: America’s Self-Appointed Bathroom Panty Sniffer.

wait, let’s check the time stamp on Nancy’s tweet. 3:49pm — about 90 minutes after she, too, voted to shitcan the Epstein Files.

that’s your Republican Party, folks. they’ll huff and puff and do their Performative Nonsense Theater, throw red meat to the cultists, and tell them exactly what they want to hear — but when it comes time to actually vote, protecting you-know-who is the Prime Directive.

you goddamn well know that if the Epstein Files thoroughly exonerated Dear Leader, Hannity would have been given a copy of it ages ago — and he’d be reading it out loud, every night, on his show.

hang on, I just got an angry email from a reader:

Show us all the Epstein client list now!!! Why would anyone protect those scum bags?

Ask yourselves this question daily and the answer becomes very apparent!!

sorry, I lied. that wasn’t from any email, and it certainly wasn’t from a reader. that was actually a tweet from Cokey McSniffles Junior, back in 2023.

Cokey sure is quiet about the subject right now. he hasn’t said one word about it. I wonder why.

by the way, there’s a lot of confusion out there, and folks are using the terms Epstein Files and Epstein Client List interchangeably. so let’s just clarify:

    • the Epstein Files is the entire body of evidence against Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, compiled over many years by the Department of Justice. that’s what House Republican just voted to block the release of.
    • the Epstein Client List is literally that, a list of names of Epstein’s pedo pals. that’s what Pam Bondi said in February was on her desk, and now claims never existed.

Cokey Junior might be silent about Jeffrey Epstein, but his dad seems to be suffering from Can’t Shut The Fuck Up About It Syndrome.

reporter: “why do you think your supporters have been so interested in the Epstein story?”

Donny: “I don’t understand it, why they would be so interested.”

cut the gaslighting, bro. you know exactly why the cultists are so worked up over this: because you wound them up for years, telling them how it’s a huge coverup and it’s Democrats protecting their own, and how you were going to release the files on day one. you sold them on a conspiracy and now it’s gotten out of hand. but please, do go on.

“he’s dead for a long time. he was never a big factor in terms of life.”

Jeffrey Epstein was never a big factor in terms of life? what the fuck does that even mean?

one thing’s for sure: Jeffrey Epstein was certainly a big factor in terms of laughing it up with Donny as they ogled women together.

yesterday, Donny brought his dog-and-pony show to Carnegie Mellon University where he participated in a roundtable discussion on energy and innovation.

wait, did I say ‘participated’? I meant to say that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants once again fell asleep in public.

Donny did wake up long enough to tell one of his patented Things That Never Happened The Most stories.

I have to brag just for a second. because when I first heard about AI, you know, it’s not my thing, although my uncle was at MIT, one of the great professors, 51 years, whatever. longest-serving professor in history of MIT. three degrees. in, uh, nuclear, chemical and math. that’s a smart man. Ted Kaczynski was one of his students. you know who Kaczynski was? there’s very little difference between a madman and a genius. but Kaczyn— I said, ‘what kind of a student was he, Uncle John, Doctor John Trump?’ and he said, ‘seriously good.’ he’d go around correcting everybody. but it didn’t work out too well for him. but it’s interesting.”

fact check: here’s your pudding cup, grandpa, let’s get you off to bed.

Ted Kaczynski — the Unabomber — attended Harvard, not MIT. and John Trump died eleven years before Kaczynski was identified as the Unabomber.

and that business about John Trump being the longest-serving professor in MIT history — MechaHitler, is that true?

oh.

now please excuse me, but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s hand?

why is Donny’s hand heavily-made up? it looks like he’s covering up the scarring from an IV drip. why?

why are Donny’s ankles perpetually swollen?

remember, we have never ever seen a proper medical report on Donny.just some bullshit from Donny’s pill-mill day-drunk almost-a-doctor about how he’s going to live to be 200 years old.

the press never questions it. not one reporter has stood up and asked what the fuck is going on with your hand?

do you think the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press would have accepted this level of coverup from Joe Biden?

it was just about one year ago that a neurologist visited the White House. he wasn’t there to meet with Biden.

Cannard’s visits to the White House were part of his neurological clinics aimed at supporting “thousands” of active duty members assigned in support of White House operations and not to treat the president.

it didn’t matter — the press had themselves a fucking field day, and declared then and there that Biden had Parkinson’s, and that the White House was covering it up.

Joe Biden got pilloried for shit that wasn’t even real — but the Mad King can waddle around looking like death warmed over, fall asleep in public, ramble incoherently about whatever imaginary shit is pinballing around in his big dumb pumpkin head, and no one in the press says boo.

about two years after this nightmare ends, someone like Bob Woodward is going to publish a book about how everyone knew Donny was decaying both mentally and physically, and about how it was an open secret all over Washington.

never mind that this is real information that the public needs right now — saving it for the book is so much more profitable.

speaking for those of us in the future, let me be the first to say thanks a fucking lot — for nothing.