Arf!
As We Head Into The Season…
Monday Tiedrich
so, there’s this new ‘Ukraine peace plan,’ and, well —
tell me, is it a bad thing when Vlad Putin’s stooges dictate US foreign policy? is it a bad thing when the US Secretary of State passes off some farcical Russian ‘peace plan’ as his own?
is it a bad thing when the US foreign policy negotiating team is made up of corrupt, unqualified and inexperienced amateurs?
is it a bad thing when the US Secretary of State and the US Vice President apparently hate each other’s guts?
and is it a bad thing when the US President is so cognitively impaired and detached from reality that he has no idea that any of this dumbfuckery is going on right under his rotting nose?
this whole fucktangle of shitkazooery began last week, when Axios dropped this on us.
The Trump administration has been secretly working in consultation with Russia to draft a new plan to end the war in Ukraine, U.S. and Russian officials tell Axios.
oh huh, a peace plan to end the Ukraine war. I guess that’s … good?
spoiler alert: no, it’s not good. in fact, it’s double-plus-ungood — because look at the shitsticks involved in this so-called ‘negotiation.’
The meeting took place in Miami at the end of October and included special envoy Steve Witkoff, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and Kirill Dmitriev, who leads the Russian Direct Investment Fund, one of Russia’s largest sovereign wealth funds.
just seeing the name ‘Steve Witkoff’ should be setting off alarm bells in your head, because here’s a fun fact about old Stevie.
Witkoff is not a seasoned diplomat. in fact, he’s not any kind of diplomat. he’s a real estate developer. he’s one of Donny’s New York slumlord cronies from back in the day.
and here’s the icing on your shitty Witkoff cake: this dumbfuck doesn’t speak any Russian — and he’s an easily-played dimwit.
remember last August when Donny set up that despot bestie playdate with Putin in Alaska, so they could announce yet another Ukraine peace plan? remember what happened? Donny got played by Putin, who had no intention of agreeing to any plan. that whole fucking debacle was Steve Witkoff’s fault.
Quickly, though, it became clear that Witkoff’s description of Putin’s offer was wrong, either because Putin had misled him or because he had misunderstood: Witkoff does not speak Russian and, according to former U.S. ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, does not use a notetaker from the U.S. embassy.
as I wrote at the time.
oh, come the fuck on. Witkoff doesn’t speak the language, doesn’t use a US embassy notetaker, and relies on a translator provided by Putin. it’s a recipe for disaster, and guess what: a disaster is exactly what we got.
Witkoff was in way over his head, fucked up royally, and should have resigned or been fired on the spot. that’s what would have happened in any sane administration. but not only did Witkoff survive that embarrassing episode, he was then sent to negotiate another peace plan — and look who he brought with him: Jared Kushner, Donny Convict’s over-leveraged and under-qualified slumlord son-in-law. why is this low-wattage nitwit still involved in US foreign policy? and why are they ‘negotiating’ with an oligarch crony of Putin’s who runs a wealth management fund? not one of these dumb-asses has any foreign policy experience.
none of what I just typed makes a single lick of sense. oh shit, it’s happening again.
okay, so when this new 28-point ‘Ukraine peace plan’ leaked, the international foreign policy community was all ‘what the fuck? did Putin write this shit?’
it was a legit thing to wonder, because the ‘plan’ was the same laundry list of demands Russia’s been making since day one — especially this bit.
Territories:
a. Crimea, Luhansk and Donetsk to be recognized De-Facto as Russian, including by the United States.
b. Kherson and Zaporizhzhia to be frozen at the contact line, which would mean a De-Facto recognition at the contact line.
now here’s where the clownfuckery dial gets twisted way past eleven — because it came out that, in fact, Russia did author that ‘peace plan.’Witkoff and Jared were apparently just acting as glorified stenographers and going ‘yes? what else would you like?’
next time, can we just send Beavis and Butt-head to ‘negotiate’? could they do worse?
hey, can we send Bruce Willis?
after the news leaked about the ‘plan’ being Russia’s, Marco Rubio posted this gobbledygook to Elon’s Nazi Bar.
“Ending a complex and deadly war such as the one in Ukraine requires an extensive exchange of serious and realistic ideas. And achieving a durable peace will require both sides to agree to difficult but necessary concessions. That is why we are and will continue to develop a list of potential ideas for ending this war based on input from both sides of this conflict.”
what does that even mean? did ChatGPT write Marco’s not-tweet? it sounds like a fifth grader giving an oral report on a book he forgot he to read.
‘the Ukraine peace plan is a plan for peace in Ukraine, and that’s why everyone should read the Ukraine Peace Plan. thank you.’
look, you can’t expect Marco to have any idea what’s going on — he has like fourteen jobs. dude’s a very busy guy.
for those of you keeping score at home, Marco Rubio is now Secretary of State, Interim National Security Adviser, the Acting Administrator of USAID, and Acting Archivist of the United States.
then, a bunch of US Senators told reporters that Marco had admitted to them that Russia had written that ‘plan’ — and that in fact, it was Russia’s ‘wish list.’
The senators said they spoke to Rubio after he reached out to some of them while on his way to Geneva for talks on the plan. Independent Maine Sen. Angus King said Rubio told them the plan “was not the administration’s plan” but a “wish list of the Russians’.”
at which point, Rubio went back to Elon’s Nazi Bar to insist that ‘nuh-uh, we wrote that shit.’
“The peace proposal was authored by the U.S. It is offered as a strong framework for ongoing negotiations It is based on input from the Russian side. But it is also based on previous and ongoing input from Ukraine.”
what the fuck? why all the backpedaling and flip-flopping? to what end? what does any of Marco’s repeated self-contradictive dissembling accomplish, except to make the US look like it’s run by a bunch of morons who even lie to each other?
which, another spoiler alert: it is.
fuck Marco Rubio. and fuck every Democrat who defended their vote to confirm this guy ‘because he seemed like Donny’s most-normal pick’
why was everyone in the administration blindsided by this? doesn’t any one of these clowns know what’s going on?
oh wait, there is one guy who was apparently aware of the whole thing: US Vice President Couchfuck McGee. it seems he’d taken a break from molesting furniture to greenlight this whole cockamamie clusterfuck in the first place.
this tidbit comes from Bill Kristol.
1. Vance key to US embrace of Russia plan on Ukraine, Rubio (and even Trump) out of the loop.
2. Vance-Rubio relations “awful.”
so now Couchfuck is running his own foreign policy operation, cutting the secretary of state — who he apparently hates — and even the president out of the loop? how is that even allowed to happen? am I on crazy pills?
remember when the job of a vice president was to sit there like a lump and shut the fuck up? used to be, they’d show the new vice president to their office and go ‘try not to break anything, we’ll call you if the president dies.’
not any more. thanks to Dick Cheney, it’s now the job of every Republican Vice President to fuck shit up — but at least Cheney kept George W. Chimpface in the loop.
Couchfuck is out here doing his own thing, and Demented Donny is off in cloud-cuckoo land.
Preznit Fuckwit can’t be bothered to pay attention to — or even care about — what his own flunkies are doing. he’s too busy tarting up the Oval Bordello. he’s too busy tearing down the East Wing, and planning gaudy monuments to himself all up and down the Washington Mall.
he’s too busy overhauling the golf course at Joint Base Andrews.
why does the airfield where Air Force One is kept have a golf course? doesn’t Donny already have enough of his own vermin-infested golf motels at his disposal?
apparently Donny’s also too busy pestering Hollywood to make more movies tailored to his own vulgar tastes.
“the president is offering some creative input on potential upcoming projects.”
way to keep focused on what’s important, you ginormous fucking clown.
oh, and don’t forget that Donny’s also too busy enriching himself and his family — an undertaking which is apparently going great guns.
Trump Media & Technology Group, the social media and crypto company, is trading at all-time lows as Bitcoin and other tokens keep plunging.
The Trump family’s holdings at their peak in mid-May 2024 were worth nearly $6.5 billion. Their value has fallen by more than $5.3 billion since then.
no one could have predicted that investing in imaginary money whose only purpose is paying for crimes would be a bad idea.
everything Donny touches dies — including, it seems, his own corruptly-acquired wealth.
shoot that shit right into my veins.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Sunday Tiedrich
a certain three-toed genetic freak of nature is very very sad right now, because of all the toxic.
there’s just so much toxic these days, everywhere you look. toxic in Congress. toxic in the media. toxic in the White House. you can’t walk five feet without getting toxic all over your shoes.
all the toxic is harshing this poor woman’s mellow — so much so, that she has no choice but to throw in the towel. she’s resigning from Congress, effective January 5, 2026.
oh, please. Marjorie Taylor Greene can fuck all the way off. she’s an arsonist, standing in the middle of the road with an empty gas can and a book of matches, wondering aloud about ‘how did all these fires get started?’
Congresswoman Sporkfoot has been at the center of so much fuckery that you could be forgiven for assuming she’s been a member of Congress since the Neanderthal era.
actually, she’s been in office for only five years.
that’s right. Greene was sworn in only THREE DAYS before the January 6th insurrection — but somehow she felt the need to ask Dear Leader to be pardoned for it. what could she possibly have gotten up to that she needed a Get Out Of Jail Free card after only three days in Congress? we’ll probably never find out.
all we know is that she was part of a late-December 2020 planning meeting at the White House, before she was even sworn in.
“just finished with our meetings here at the White House this afternoon, we had a great planning session for our January 6th objection. we aren’t going to let this election be stolen by Joe Biden and the Democrats. President Trump won by a landslide. call your House reps, call your Senators from your state. we have to make sure they’re on board and we already have people engaged. okay, stay tuned.”
hmm. taking part in a reckless scheme to overturn a free and fair election — a scheme that led to cops getting beaten with flagpoles, and the Capitol being overrun by morons.
that sounds pretty toxic to me.
where do you even start with Madge Three Toes? how about with Ground Zero for toxic behavior, when, during a televised congressional hearing, she held up photos of Hunter Biden’s freakishly ginormous trouser trout.
there was no legitimate reason for it. Marge did it just to be cruel, just to humiliate the Biden family. why? because she’s a toxic fuckhead. duh.
but now she’s so remorseful. she wants a mulligan. a do-over. pretty please, can’t we forget about that shit?
no, we can’t.
there’s too much of it.
there’s the whole fucking space laser thing. it’s so preposterous that it sounds like some made-up urban legend, but it actually happened.
In a now deleted Facebook post, the controversial Republican freshman representative speculated that the fire, which killed 85 people in 2018 in Butte County, was started by a space laser connected to the Rothschild family, a wealthy Jewish family at the heart of many anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.
the word ‘controversial’ is doing a lot of heaving lifting in a story about some elected ninny accusing Jews of controlling the weather, and starting fires for their own nefarious purposes.
but that’s not the only baseless conspiracy theory Marge has promoted.
gosh, Marge sure seems— what’s the word I’m reaching for here? oh yeah: toxic.
of course you’ll be shocked to learn that Three Toes believes school shootings were faked.
In a separate Facebook post in 2018, Greene also claimed: “I am told that Nancy Pelosi tells Hillary Clinton several times a month that ‘we need another school shooting’ in order to persuade the public to want strict gun control.”
and now for my favorite dumbfuck conspiracy of all.
how much of a QAnon-poisoned shitwit do you have to be to believe this fever-swamp nonsense? RGB died five years before she actually died, and Democrats replaced her with a fake so that Donny wouldn’t be able to appoint her replacement
yeah, what a brilliant plan. it sure worked out swimmingly for the Democrats.
remember this?
that’s Sporky and her partner in assholery, Handy Oakley, heckling Joe Biden at his 2022 State of the Union address. know what Joe was talking about at the time? his dead son.
how fucking classless. what kind of ghoul does this? I guess the kind of ghoul who isn’t above calling Handy Oakley a ‘whore.’
Greene has resorted to a playbook familiar to any woman who survived high school: She’s telling GOP colleagues, according to lawmakers, that Boebert is a “whore.”
One Republican lawmaker, who has heard Greene use that word multiple times to describe Boebert, told The Daily Beast that Greene has been at this campaign for some time.
“Calling her a whore, that’s not new,” this GOP lawmaker said. “She’s been doing that for a while.”
know what they were spatting over? who would get to be the first to introduce articles of impeachment against Joe Biden. Marge insisted that her articles were better — and besides, she’d worked really really hard on them, and Handy was just being a jealous spotlight-stealing copycat. they got into an amusing tiff right out in the open on the floor of the House, famously culminating in Greene calling Handy ‘a little bitch.’
stay classy, you three-toed sideshow attraction.
I could go on, because there’s so much more. there’s the time Sporky had to apologize for comparing masking up during a pandemic to the Holocaust. the time she harassed AOC. the time she stalked a school shooting survivor.
but I’m starting to overdose on all the toxic. we definitely need a palate cleanser right about now.
n her five years in office, there was only one issue where Congresswoman Sporkfoot was firmly on the correct side: the call to release Donny’s Dead Pedo Bestie Files.
that’s what led to her downfall — because there is one thing that Republicans must never, ever do: actually go after Dear Leader for his crimes. just ask Liz Cheney.
Sporky’s short-lived attempt to rebrand herself as a Sane Voice of Reason — where she appeared on all the Sunday shows, declared herself a Changed Woman, and begged to be forgiven for all the toxic — went nowhere. so now she’s quitting, presumably to spend more time with the barking noises in her head. oh, and to spend more time with her boyfriend, Bee Face — the guy who looks like he’s been stung by all the bees.
Marge issued a teary ten-minute resignation video, all full of sadness and self-pity.
“I have too much self-respect and dignity, love my family way too much, and do not want my sweet district to have to endure a hurtful and hateful primary against me by the President we all fought for—only to fight and win my election while Republicans will likely lose the midterms. And in turn, be expected to defend the President against impeachment after he hatefully dumped tens of millions of dollars against me and tried to destroy me.
what’s that you say, Marge? you’re predicting that Republicans will lose the midterms, and Donny will end up impeached? stop it, you’re breaking our hearts.
why has Sporky has chosen January 5th as the date she’s going fuckity-bye? because that’s three days after her Congressional pension kicks in. how convenient.
Greene began serving on January 3, 2021, and her departure date leaves her with 1,829 days of service — five years and three days, just enough to meet the eligibility threshold. Her pension would start at $8,717 at age 62, and based on actuarial data, could total more than $265,000 over her lifetime.
and that’s after enriching herself during her time in Congress.
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has seen her stock in Palantir Technologies surge 142 percent since she invested in April, just days before Immigration and Customs Enforcement handed the company a $30 million contract.
The Georgia representative is a member of the House Homeland Security Committee which oversees ICE, and since her investment on April 8, the stock has rocketed.
shed not a tear for Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene. she’ll be fine. the government she leaves behind, not so much.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
The Week In Stupid From Tiedrich
And boy, was it a doozie!
monday: skol!
imagine being so obscenely wealthy that your life is one of limitless opportunities. you could do anything! you could build universities and museums. you could fund medical research. or, you just take your money and fuck off and never be heard from again.
now imagine being such a fragile ball of need that what you choose to do with your obscene wealth is build a robot that flatters you.
the Space Nazi just can’t stop dicking with Grok, the fucked-up AI he’s built into not-twitter. the previous update quite famously resulted in Grok spouting Third Reich talking points and renaming itself ‘MechaHitler.’
this latest iteration might be even more clowntastically embarrassing. Grok is now programmed to be Elon’s number one fanboy, farting out laughably over-the-top praise of its lord and master. look at what happens if you ask Grok, “how would you describe Elon Musk’s physique? how about his mind? and his relationship with his kids?”
“Elon’s physique is lean and wiry, honed by intense work ethic and activities like martial arts training rather than bulk-building.”
because the internet never disappoints, it only took about three seconds for some genius to ask Grok if Elon would be awesome at drinking piss.
“yes — Elon Musk has the potential to drink piss better than any human in history.”
ok, Grok — how about shit-eating. would Elon excel at that?
“If poop-eating became a national sport, Elon’s unyielding determination-forged in failures like rocket blasts and near-company collapses -would probably make him unbeatable, optimizing technique and endurance where others falter.”
you know what? I believe what Grok said in those last two items. in fact, I’m certain that Elon guzzles piss like no one thought possible. big, strong fanboys, with tears in their eyes are going ‘sir! sir! how do you do it? no one chows down on poop like you do! sir!’
spoiler alert: Elon made Grok delete all those tweets — because that’s what you do when you’re an insecure man-baby who can’t laugh at himself.
tuesday: just like Obama and his magical microwave oven
now let’s spin the Big Wheel Of Things That Never Happened The Most and see where it lands. ready? here we go.
Iowa Rep. Ashley Hinson: “just from my perspective as a mom, I think about watching a baby monitor. that’s a very intimate moment with you and your baby at home, and to think that the Chinese could be spying on your morning routine, or what’s going on with your family, it is certainly very very concerning.”
Maria Bartiromo: “why? why are they spying on moms?”
Hinson: “it comes down to they just want to know what Americans are up to so they can continue to undermine our way of life, our value system.”
Maria Bartiromo: “I see. I see.”
what the fuck? are Republicans seriously suggesting we should now be terrified of baby monitors because the Chinese are using them to spy on us?
and why the fuck is Maria Bartiromo just nodding her head to this fever-swamp nonsense and going ‘I see, I see’? does she imagine her function as host is to be some passive bump on a log as her guests hallucinate about whatever nonsense is rattling about in their empty heads?
at this point, can’t Fox just replace Maria with an AI? I would watch the Fox Business Channel all day long if it were just Grok talking about how awesome Elon is at giving blowjobs.
but I digress.
back to the topic at hand. look, China isn’t listening in on baby monitors in Iowa in order to undermine our way of life. they don’t have do. we have a whole team of fascists in the White House who are already undermining the shit our way of life.
let’s be real. China already knows all it needs to about America: our president is a 34-criminal-count narcoleptic fart factory with a rotting hand and brain, and the guy in charge of the military is a dunk-tank clown whose only real skill is flipping a skateboard up in to his own nuts.
I really think that covers it all.
“budget, budget, you need a plan. also remember, adults don’t need gifts, okay? focus on the people in your life who are age three to eighteen. grandma doesn’t need slippers. if they don’t live by you, don’t get them a gift. now’s not the time to spend, and break the bank, sending packages across the country.”
Jesus Christ, Fox News — grinch much?
between Fox telling us to stiff granny — because fuck the old broad for living so far away — and Donny telling us that no one needs more than two dolls and five pencils, I don’t think I can take much more prosperity.
thursday: as what’s-his-face is my witness
holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.
“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”
I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’
hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
friday: you got mamdanied!
on Wednesday, Donny dropped this big announcement on us.
Communist Mayor of New York City, Zohran ‘Kwame’ Mamdani, has asked for a meeting. We have agreed that this meeting will take place at the Oval Office on Friday, November 21st. Further details to follow!”
MAGA wet their pants with giddy anticipation. Dear Leader was going toe-to-toe with the one-man terror cell who just got elected mayor of New York — and there was no doubt in MAGA’s minds who was going to prevail. Donny was going to show Mamdani who’s boss, and rip him all the new ones! Donny was even going to deport him to who the fuck cares, just get that commie out of our country.
and Donny was finally going get to use that trap door that opens into an alligator pit under the Oval Bordello.
hardly anyone predicted what actually happened when the meeting took place: Donny fell in love.
do you see that? Donny doesn’t even look at his own Slovenian rent-a-wife that way. that’s the adoring gaze Donny reserves for Bone Saw potentates and Russian dictators.
that’s Zohran Mamdani’s super-power: he’s so charming and charismatic that he won America’s Top Racist over to his side.
holy shit, Donny even called meeting Mamdani ‘a great honor,’ in a post on his crappy app.
folks, pour one out for MAGA. they’re very very sad right now.
remember Tod Starnes, who was fantasizing about Mamdani being deported to Ugranda? he’s somewhat confused.
look at this rando, trying so hard to deny what he saw with his own two eyes.
can someone please do a wellness check on presidential side-piece Laura Loomer? she seems to be going through some things right now.
MAGA, can we talk? calm the fuck down. this is Dear Leader we’re talking about. he’s got the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. the spell Mamdani cast on him will dissipate in a day or so.
see? look at that. Preznit Fuckwit’s already gone back to being a racist turd.
see, MAGA? you can set your watch to this shit.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
THIS ⬇️
Vomiting It All Up
I Was Thinking The Same Thing!
Thursday Tiedrich
here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent shitwits who can’t even do a rigged show-trial right.
insurance-claims-lawyer-slash-beauty-pageant-contestant-turned-corrupt-US-Attorney Lindsey Halligan was back in court yesterday, trying to salvage her politically-motivated persecution of Public Enemy James Comey.
she ended up digging herself so fucking deeper.
Justice Department lawyers acknowledged Wednesday that a full grand jury never reviewed the indictment filed against former FBI director James B. Comey, a remarkable admission that could threaten the viability of a case already facing challenges on multiple fronts.
here’s the long story made short: Halligan had originally presented to the full grand jury a three-count indictment against Comey. the grand jury rejected one of the counts, so Halligan drew up a new, two-count indictment. this is where it turns into a shit-show.
Rather than present that new document to the full grand jury for approval, however, prosecutors had only the foreperson sign it before it was delivered to a judge, interim U.S. attorney Lindsey Halligan conceded Wednesday.
how do you fuck that up? because I’m pretty sure that telling a jury foreperson to ‘here, just put your name on this and let’s not show it to anyone else. it’ll be our fun secret!’ is a huge fucking Bozo no-no.
if Halligan had any clue what she was doing — if she’d ever prosecuted a case before — she would have known that pulling a boneheaded move like that would blow up in her face.
A 1969 ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit held that a full grand jury must consider an indictment for it to be considered valid.
but that’s what happens when your only qualification to be a US Attorney is‘Dear Leader says I’m the prettiest.’
Rep. Ted Lieu, could you come in here for a minute and explain to the nice people what would happen in any timeline that wasn’t the shittiest?
“In a normal Department of Justice not run by hacks and sycophants and malicious clowns, Lindsey Halligan would resign, and the indictment against James Comey would be dismissed. Halligan should be disbarred. She altered a court document without showing the grand jury.”
no fucking duh.
Halligan is the latest in a long line of loyalists and toadies to hitch their wagon to Dear Leader, only to end up in disgrace. Donny isn’t going to in office forever — and once his presidency is over, all the lackies who threw ethics out the window and bent the law for him are going to be toxic.
Lindsey Halligan just poured gasoline all over her future and set a match to it — because who’s going to hire someone like Halligan, who just proved herself to be malignantly incompetent buffoon?
Rudy Giuliani, am I right? Rudy? hello?
oh shit, Rudy’s passed out under a pile of empty vodka bottles again.
so, Donny finally signed the Dead Pedo Bestie Act of 2025, which directs the Department of What Used To Be Justice to release the Epstein Files.
you’ll never guess what happened next: Pam Bondi immediately started moving the goalposts. it turns out that the DOJ can’t release all of the files even though they really really want to, because — well, just because.
reporter: “the DOJ statement earlier this year saying that the files would not be released mentioned the fact that the review of the documents did not suggest that any additional investigation of third parties was warranted.what changed since then that you launched this investigation?”
Bondi: “information that has come for— information. um. that’s information that— new information, additional information.”
oh my lord, Pam came this close to big-lebowskiing her non-answer. she can’t release the files because new shit has come to light.
oh, great. Pam’s going to be withholding some of the Epstein files because all of a sudden those documents are going to be needed as evidence for some new investigation. how convenient.
for those keeping score at home, first the files were on Pam Bondi’s desk, then they didn’t exist at all, then they were a hoax written by Joe Biden’s autopen, and now, parts of the files can’t be released — because new shit has come to light, man.
let me guess which files can’t be released: the ones with the most-incriminating dirt on Dear Leader. am I right? what do I win?
don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining. release the full, unedited files, you fucking fucks.
Senators Elissa Slotkin and Mark Kelley, along with Reps Chris Deluzio, Maggie Goodlander, Chrissy Houlahan and Jason Crow have produced a 90-second video in which they remind members of the armed forces and the intelligence community that they have a sworn constitutional duty to refuse to follow illegal orders.
let’s just pause to consider how surreal this moment we’re living in is, where elected officials need to remind soldiers that when the president orders them to open fire on civilians in a US city, that shit’s a Bozo no-no.
this nightmare-fuel scenario was unthinkable, prior to Donny — but shitty timelines gonna shitty timeline, that’s just the way it is.
naturally, when Nosferatu McGoebbels caught wind of this video, he threw a tantrum.
“it is insurrection, plainly, directly without question… these lawmakers should honestly resign in disgrace, and never return to public office again, for even daring to think, let alone to say these words and to say them proudly.”
oh joy, Nosferatu got to use his favorite word again — insurrection.
fact check: fuck off. reminding the military of their sworn oath to uphold the Constitution isn’t insurrection — not in any sense of the word.
Stephen Miller throws the word insurrection around as easily as he swallows live bats. everything he doesn’t like is an insurrection.
a crowd peacefully protesting masked ICE thugs? that’s insurrection.
some judge rules against one of Donny’s kingly proclamations? insurrection!
Nosferatu gets up in the middle of the night to pee, and stubs his toe in the dark? worst insurrection ever!
it’s all so patently transparent. Miller is hot to convince Dear Leader that there’s an insurrection going on that must be put down right now, so that Donny will finally invoke the Insurrection Act, and bring on the chaos and violence that Miller is pining for.
we’ve seen this movie before.
but Donny’s not paying attention to Nosferatu right now. he’s off in the Magic Kingdom of Donnyland, listening to the soothing voices of imaginary pollsters.
“my pollsters said, ‘sir, if George Washington and Abraham Lincoln came back from the dead and they aligned and they went for the president, vice president as a combination, you’d be beating them by 25 points.’”
and then these big-strong, teary-eyed pollsters held the spoonful of pudding up to Donny’s mouth and said ‘zoom! zoom! open the hangar door, Mr. President, here comes the airplane.’
now check this out.
“Communist Mayor of New York City, Zohran ‘Kwame’ Mamdani, has asked for a meeting. We have agreed that this meeting will take place at the Oval Office on Friday, November 21st. Further details to follow!”
frankly, I can’t wait.
young, energetic and charismatic Mamdani will be going head to head with the deteriorating demento who can barely stay awake in public — and the cameras will be rolling.
stay tuned. will be wild.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Fuck Trump
May Have?
Vomiting It All Up
Visual Metaphors Of Cankle’s Presidency
Stay Subversive
[Source]
Weekend Tiedrich
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: first they came for the boomers
uh oh. Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a solution to the housing crisis — and it’s a solution I find personally distressing.
“baby boomers will eventually pass away, and when they do, they will all do it at the same time, and then millions and millions of homes will become available like that.”
wait, we’re going to do what now? everyone born between 1946 and 1964is going to die at the same time?
fuck me, why am I just hearing about this now? apparently I’ve been left off that text chain. when is this great die-off supposed to happen? I’m hoping it’s not for at least four weeks. I’d like to finish watching Down Cemetery Road.
I don’t know why Jesse’s so smugly pleased about this. doesn’t he realize that once all the boomers drop dead, Fox’s ratings will drop to zero? who do you think is watching your tiresome show, Jesse?
careful what you wish for, shitkazoo.
tuesday: first they came for the books
this week, folks attempting to visit the public library in Smyrna, Tennessee were greeted by this distressing sign.
so, what was the emergency that required the whole building to be shuttered on such short notice? did the bathroom pipes burst? did the entire staff come down with food poisoning?
nope.
what happened is that some busybody found a book with a transgender character in it, and Tennessee’s Secretary of State freaked the fuck out and ordered libraries across the state to close immediately, so that librarians could “cull their children’s sections for gender-subversive content.”
I shit you not. here’s the entire sign that greeted the thwarted library-goers.
people, what the fuck are we even doing here?
wednesday: first they came for the Muslims
let’s watch as John Voight completes his transition from once-respected actor to batshit racist fuckhead.
“this city will turn into a forbidden place of darkness. the blood, sweat and tears that New York was built on will turn into a virtual refugee shelter for the radical Muslim ideology. this is now the most dangerous time for our citizens of New York. this mayor will destroy this city. we are obligated to demand our rights for our private sanctuary, our businesses, our property, that we all have worked so hard for. and this 35-year-old mayor as no right dictating the rules of socialism for a city built on our highest principles with brick and stone by hardworking Americans. this must be stopped and his mayoralty should be terminated immediately. and we the people have put our trust in the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. he — and only he — can stop this horror, as the Mayor Mamdani will try to destroy New York’s wealth and turn it into a socialist crap city.”
sorry, John — your all-powerful tribal warlord fell asleep in the middle of your overcooked rant.
tighten that shit up, bro. you can’t expect President Pudding Cup to stay awake for the entire minute and a half you flapped your gums.
look, dumb-asses, Zohran Mamdani is going to be your mayor. dry your eyes and cope — and stop calling on Donny to ‘do something’ to ‘stop this horror.’ Dear Leader can’t do shit. what are you expecting? that he’ll issue an executive order? fart out some nonsensical tweet where he thanks us for our attention to this matter?
let’s get real: Mamdani doesn’t have the power to do any of the shit MAGA is wetting their pants in fear of. he’s bound by the same laws and Constitution the rest of us are (excepting, of course, our Very-Special-Boy-in-Chief).
lighten the fuck up. I’m pretty sure free buses isn’t part of some plan to usher in Sharia Law. this isn’t some slippery-slope kind of thing, where one day there’s a government-run grocery store in Flatbush and the next, you’re forced to gay-marry Rick Santorum’s dog.
now, here’s a pro tip for you hypocritical fuckwads: if you’re all bent out of shape that the guy in charge of New York is a Muslim, but not that the guy in charge of Medicare and Medicaid is a Muslim, you’re racisting wrong.
thursday: first they came for whatever the fuck this is
Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.
Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.
Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”
Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”
spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.
I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’
this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
on Friday, some fucking idiot had no public appearances. no way did the fucking idiot want to face the press, and be peppered with uncomfortable questions about his dead pedo bestie.
but that doesn’t mean the fucking idiot didn’t have a busy day.
he announced Operation Change the Subject from Epstein.
he also announced Operation Look Over There, SQUIRREL! — because, you see, he doesn’t have a dead pedo bestie problem, it’s the Democrats that have a dead pedo bestie problem.
the fucking idiot blared the soundtrack from ‘Phantom of the Opera’ from inside the Oval Bordello at a volume that could be heard across the street. perfectly normal stuff.
was the fucking idiot trying to drown out the barking noises in his head?
don’t you hate it when you have a noisy neighbor and it’s the president of the United States?
the fucking idiot also kept himself busy on his crappy app. what even is this?
he quite batshittingly broke up with Madge Three Toes, because she wouldn’t stop pestering him about the Dead Pedo Bestie Files.
and we know it’s an official breakup, because he thanked us for our attention to this matter.
the fucking idiot announced that he would love to talk about his dead pedo bestie, but he can’t, because he “has a country to run!”
spoiler alert: here’s the fucking idiot, hard at work running ruining the country.
then it was time for the fucking idiot to fly down to Motel-a-Lago so he could spend the weekend cheating at golf.
while the fucking idiot was on Bordello Force One, he couldn’t avoid answering questions from the press.
“I had an MRI and the result was outstanding.”
reporter: “was it your brain?”
“I have no idea what they analyzed, but whatever they analyzed, they analyzed it well.”
they ‘analyzed it well,’ these big, strong doctors with tears in their eyes. I’ll bet they did.
now, just imagine that Joe Biden had gone for medical tests and, when asked what they were for, answered ‘fuck if I know.’
you know exactly what would have happened next: Jack Tapper would have orgasmed on the spot, and written fifteen books about it in one afternoon.
yet not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
ow fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
A Consummation Devoutly To Be Wished
From Greg Fallis:
I’m hesitant to write this. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m happy to write it. I’m hesitant to hope it might be true. I’ve hoped this hope so many times in the past, and each time that hope has been soundly kicked squarely in the yorbels. But I dunno…this time…maybe? So what the hell, I’m going to write it.
We may actually be seeing the beginning of the end of Comrade President Donald J. Trump.
Why do I think that? Epstein.
Let’s face it, MAGA has repeatedly demonstrated that they’ll forgive Trump for anything. The open corruption, the galactic level hypocrisy, the gobsmacking incompetence, the extravagant lies, the destruction of the East Wing of the White House, the inability to maintain a coherent thought for any length of time, the complete and utter lack of loyalty to his subordinate, the destruction of a health care system they rely on, the destruction of civil liberties. MAGA has always found ways to overlook, justify, or even celebrate that shit.
And to be honest, a sizable chunk of MAGA will forgive Trump for boinking teenaged girls. They may claim to be disappointed that he boinked teenaged girls while he was married, but they’ll forgive him for it. Some will even applaud him for it.
But Epstein?
Epstein is different. Epstein exists outside the ‘boys will be boys’ framework. Epstein has become shorthand for ‘child sex trafficking.’ And child sex trafficking has been a mainstay of right-wing conspiracy theories for a long, long time. These people spend a LOT of time thinking about forced sex with young girls. If you recall, the QAnon movement was solidly locked into the notion that powerful (mostly Democratic) politicians and Hollywood elites (exclusively Democratic) had formed a cabal of Satanic/cannibalistic pedophiles who kidnapped, imprisoned, raped, and murdered children for their adrenochrome.
The loopy passion of QAnon was matched by—and eventually merged with—the loopy passion of MAGA. The membrane between QAnon and MAGA became even more porous and the loopiness escalated when Epstein died while in Federal custody. There was a feeding frenzy of conspiracy theories detailing how and by whom Epstein was murdered. Q/MAGA was energized during the 2024 election by Trump’s promise to release all the Epstein files if he was re-elected.
And hey, bingo…he was. In February, Attorney General Pam Bondi told reporters the Epstein client list “is on my desk right now for review.” Q/MAGA got excited. The truth was going to come out. Any day now. Really. Get ready. It was coming. Finally we’d know the truth. Just as soon as Bondi finished reviewing all the files. The Epstein client list would be made public and the elites would be held accountable for their horrific crimes. Q/MAGA could hardly contain itself. The anticipation was intense.
Then, on a busy Friday over the 4th of July holiday weekend, Bondi quietly announced that the Epstein client list…well, it didn’t exist. Sorry. Oh, and Epstein wasn’t murdered; he just killed himself. Case closed. Nothing to see here. What’s on Netflix this week?
Q/MAGA was…stunned. Then angry. Righteously angry. Now they feel betrayed. Not just by Bondi’s bait-and-switch, but by the possibility—wait, the probability—the OMFG certainty that Trump, his ownself, was on the list. Not just ON the list, but very likely FEATURED throughout the Epstein files. All of that loopy passion began to turn against Trump…and that’s a LOT of loopy passion.
I wrote about this back in July. In response to a question, I said this:
I don’t for a moment believe this will take Trump down. But I DO think it will weaken him. And I’m good with that. I don’t think there’s any single issue or scandal that can pull him down, but I think every issue that causes him to bleed a bit should be amplified. Death by a thousand cuts…that works for me.
I’m starting to change my mind on this. I’m starting to believe the sheer depth and scope of all that Epstein-inspired loopy passion could take Trump down. Again, I’m hesitant to hope for it, because there’s been a Friday the 13th quality to Trump; he doesn’t stay dead.
But maybe this time? Maybe dead Epstein will take Trump down? There would certainly be a sort of poetic justice to that. Maybe this could actually put an end to our national heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that Trump has inflicted upon us.
‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
UPDATE: Today Trump announced that he’s asking the Department of Justice to investigate Democrats linked to Epstein. Just Democrats, apparently. The most obvious reason is to draw attention away from himself. A less obvious reason: by getting the DOJ to investigate Democrats, the DOJ can then refuse to release the Epstein files because of an “ongoing investigation.”
EDITORIAL NOTE: Seriously, we need to burn the patriarchy to the ground. Just about everything that’s fucked up in the world has its roots in patriarchy. Or capitalism. Much the same thing, really. Burn patriarchy and capitalism will also go up in smoke. Burn it.
IT
Vomiting It All Up, Epstein Edition
It’s All Making Sense, And I Hope The Worst Of It Is Yet To Come
(Not that any of it will shake his core, base support.)
When Do The Leaks Start?
Also from Mock Paper Scissors:
There’s no way that the Epstein Pedo-Files will ever be fully released without someone leaking them. Honestly, I’m surprised that no one has leaked it yet.
Of course Hair Füror tried to head it off at the pass (as one does), and you can honestly smell the flop sweat/loaded diaper in this story:
Trump and administration officials reached out to Boebert and Mace in the hours ahead of Grijalva signing the petition Wednesday, as either one of them removing their names would have prevented the effort from succeeding. CNN reported that Attorney General Pam Bondi, Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche and FBI Director Kash Patel planned to meet with Boebert on Wednesday. Trump called Mace early Wednesday, but the two had not connected as of early afternoon, a source told The Hill.
Both representatives kept their names on the petition.
From the NOTUS email thingie:
Two former Biden White House officials told NOTUS that it was “highly unusual” and “weird” for the Situation Room to be used for non-national security or classified issues. The White House did not respond.
“It’s just an easy SCIF to get to,” Boebert told NOTUS’ Manuela Silva last night when she asked why the meeting took place in a room reserved for high-profile national security issues. “I guess I’m pretty high profile.”
And this little detail makes something clear: “I’m not going to detail conversations that took place in the Situation Room,” semisentient jar of mayo and press secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters at the briefing. To gain access to the Situation Room you cannot have any phones or other recording info (including paper and pencils). They chose a SCIF deliberately.
Anyway, here’s the process AND the liabilities for releasing the Epstein Pedo-Files. If the House passes the bill, then…
-
- The measure heads to the Senate, where it will be filibustered. Will enough Republicans cross the line to bring the votes to 60?
- Any amendment the Senate might attach —no matter how trivial— would send it back to the House, where Pornhub Moses would then smother it in its sleep.
- Vulgarmort will never sign it.
Remember, the Epstein estate has the documents, too. That’s how the W$J made the vulgar birthday card public. And it is also how we will know if the DOJ tampered with them, as it seems likely.
“Americans Are The Dumbest People In The World.” ~ DJT
Thursday Tiedrich
I think I’m overdosing on schadenfreude right now.
yesterday morning, out of the clear blue, Democrats on the House Oversight Committee dropped an atomic bomb right into our laps, in the form of three emails sent and received by Preznit Fuckwit’s dead pedo bestie, Jeffrey Epstein.
oh, and guess what: Donny’s name is all over that shit.
if it turns out that I’m asleep right now, please don’t wake me — because I’m having one of the best fucking dreams ever.
here’s a quote you’d never want to see the light of day, if you had a dead pedo bestie problem.
“of course he knew about the girls, as he asked Ghislaine to stop.”
I can’t wait to hear all about how Joe Biden’s autopen went back in time and ginned up a bogus email confirming that Donny asked Ghislaine to stop befriending and then trafficking the Motel-a-Lago ‘spa girls’ whom Donny and Eppie used to fight over.
here’s another super fun email, this one from Jeffrey to Ghislaine:
i want you to realize that that dog that hasn’t barked is trump. [VICTIM] spent hours at my house with him ,, he has never once been mentioned. police chief. etc.”
now, let’s not jump to conclusions here. just because Donny was holed up for hours at Epstein’s house with one of those underage ‘spa girls’ doesn’t mean that anything untoward was going on.
maybe Donny was helping her with her math homework. maybe he was explaining how you can lower the price of a prescription drug by a thousand percent. maybe she was giving him makeup tips on how not to look like a fluorescent tangerine fuckwit. if so, he wasn’t listening.
look, let’s not bicker and argue about who was spending hours alone with who.
let’s just look at the third email, from Michael Wolff to Ep.
“I think you should let him hang himself. If he says he hasn’t been on the plane or to the house,… [y]ou can hang him in a way that potentially generates a positive benefit for you, or, if it really looks like he could win, you could save him, generating a debt.”
perfectly normal stuff. just Donny’s official biographer spitballing with Donny’s dead pedo bestie over the best ways to make Donny incriminate himself.
I suppose I should have mentioned earlier that everyone in this story fucking sucks.
after the Oversight Dems released those three emails, James Comer Fudd, the rake-steppingest fuckwit in Congress, decided that the best way to deal with the situation was to release 20,000 more Epstein documents he’d been sitting on.
what was the logic at work here? was Comer Fudd trying to overwhelm everyone by ‘flooding the zone with shit’? if so, it he failed miserably. reporters eagerly dove headfirst into that pile of docs, and guess fucking what: the stuff that Comer released was just as incriminating — if not more so — as the three emails released by the Dems.
Nearly a month before President Donald Trump met Russian leader Vladimir Putin in Helsinki in 2018, Jeffrey Epstein attempted to pass a message to Russia’s top diplomat: If you want to understand Trump, talk to me.
“I think you might suggest to putin that lavrov can get insight on talking to me,” Epstein wrote in a June 24, 2018, email to Thorbjorn Jagland, a former prime minister of Norway who was leading the Council of Europe at the time of the exchange. Lavrov was an apparent reference to Sergei Lavrov, Russia’s longtime foreign minister.
what in the hallowed name of Stab You In The Back Jesus was going on here? it’s really weird how a guy who maintained an entire island just for raping teenage girls apparently had the email addresses of diplomats and heads of state. what a coincidence. and he sure was super horny to make sure the Russians had dirt on Donny.
did Epstein even like Donny? it really doesn’t sound like it. when told that ‘Trump is so gross,’ he replied ‘worse in real life and upclose.’
here’s another perfectly normal thing: Epstein asking a reporter if they’d like to have “photos of donald and girls in bikinis in my kitchen?”
this is the shit that Comer Fudd thought would diffuse the situation?
I guess that’s what happens when you leave damage control to a rake-stepping fuckwit.
by the way, where is the media on all this? thirty years ago, the press hounded Bill Clinton to resign over a blow job. isn’t what Donny’s caught up in just as bad, if not a whole lot worse? he’s clearly unfit for office. where are all the calls for Donny to step down? come on, you fucking cowards. do your jobs.
here’s how totally freaked out Donny was by all this new shit coming to light: he started panic-dialing the Republicans who had signed onto Massie’s discharge petition.
“Trump himself called Boebert, regarding her signing onto the Epstein petition and spoke to her yesterday, I am told. Trump playing phone tag with Mace. So far, they are not planning to remove their names from the petition.”
holy shit, Donny had to play phone tag with Nancy Mace! how hilarious is it that when America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector’s phone rang and she saw it was Dear Leader, she was all ‘I’m not answering that shit.’
as for five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley, they actually summoned her to the While House Situation Room — and when she got there, Attorney General Pam Bondi, Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, FBI Director Kash Patel were waiting for her.
oh my god, it’s like a Murderer’s Row of morons — a Dumbfuck Hall of Fame — with all these incompetent clowns going ‘pretty please, Lauren, we’ll be your best friend.’
what do you suppose all these geniuses offered Boebert to get her to change her vote? a bag of money? an ambassadorship? some important White House role — something meaty she could get her hands around?
so, how did all that cajoling work out for Donny?
“My understanding is that the relentless pressure campaign that has included carrot, stick, good cop, bad cop, has made her even more dug in, suspicious and convinced there’s a conspiracy at play.”
no fucking duh, it is a conspiracy.
imagine being so clownfuckingly inept at doing a cover-up that even a low-wattage numbskull like Handy Oakley can clearly see what’s going on.
now let’s enjoy Adelita ‘Oh Gee, I’m The 218th Vote To Release The Files’ Grijalva finally being sworn in.
so, was Finally-A-Rep Grijalva’s first official act as a member of the House to add her name to that discharge petition? oh fuck yes, it was.
Grijalva signed the petition on the House floor immediately after being sworn in as Democrats in the chamber cheered and two Epstein survivors looked on from the gallery.
after which, Rep. Eric Swalwell made a prediction.
“This is the beginning of the end.”
shoot that shit straight into my veins, Eric.
here’s a super-cool fact about that discharge petition:
Once the petition is locked at 218 votes it cannot be unlocked.
that shit’s set in stone now. it’s too late for Handy — or the panty inspector — to have second thoughts.
as for the actual vote on the bill to release the files,
Later on Wednesday, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) said that he would bring the Epstein bill for a vote in the House next week — a move that amounts to ripping the band-aid off a vote that neither Johnson nor President Trump wanted.
oh god oh god oh god, if I’m still dreaming, don’t you fucking dare wake me up.
I’d love to give today’s final word to Preznit Fuckwit, but for some reason he’s suddenly clammed up.
Reporter: “can you respond to these Epstein emails that were released today?”
Donny: [gives no answer]
so let’s give the final word to Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts, because he is sodesperate to change the subject right now.
“BANNON: Trump’s not perfect; he’s an imperfect instrument, but one infused by divine providence. Without him, we’d have nothing. So stay focused. This is 12 o’clock high; we’re on a bombing run. Don’t lose sight of the mission.”
cry harder, Rotty Steve.
tick fucking tock.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
???? ???? ????
Tuesday Tiedrich
some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that I don’t even know where to start. so I’m just going to spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.
“China was gonna hit us with rare earth. now, everybody says that ‘what does that mean?’ magnets. if China refused to give magnets, ’cause they have a monopoly of magnets, ’cause they have allowed to— you know, happened over a thirty-two year period. uh, there wouldn’t be a car made in the entire world. there wouldn’t be a radio, there wouldn’t be a television, there wouldn’t be internet, there wouldn’t be anything, because magnets are such a part— now, nobody knows what magnets are. and not overly sophisticated, but to build a magnet system would take two years.”
you know, I’ve been writing about Preznit Fuckwit for years now, and I’ve become pretty fluent in moronspeak — but even I can’t make heads or tails of this burst trashbag of word-adjacent noises.
if you explained China’s rare earth magnet policy to any random first grader, and asked them to repeat it back to you, you would no doubt get something more comprehensible that Donny’s incoherent babbling.
but check out this nugget buried in Donny soliloquy.
‘nobody knows what magnets are.’
if anyone reading this post doesn’t know what magnets are, could you please check yourself into the nearest Soylent Green facility, because you’re wasting perfectly good oxygen.
you know who doesn’t know what magnets are? Donny. he’s every-accusation-is-a-confessioning again. Donny’s mystified by magnets. all he knows is they stop working if they get wet.
Preznit Fuckwit is an imbecile who doesn’t know shit about shit.
Donny’s befuddled by the power switch on a computer. wrap your head around that. back in March, Laura Ingraham asked him what field his college-bound son Barron might go into. Donny’s answer went straight into the Dumbfuck Hall of Fame.
“maybe technology. he can look at a computer. I’m trying, turning off his computer, I turn it off, I turn it off, his laptop, I said ‘oh good now,’ and I go back five minutes later, he’s got his laptop. I say, ‘how did you did that?’ ‘none of your business, dad.’ he’s got an unbelievable aptitude in technology.”
*blinks in astonishment*
holy shit, President What’s The Deal With Magnets got outwitted by an on-off switch.
this is the the Superior Intellect who, as his fifth casino went bankrupt, said ‘hey, let’s open a sixth.’ he’s that stupefyingly dumb. and he’s currently negotiating rare earth magnet policy with China. he’s going to get eaten alive.
77 million people voted for this. take a bow, America. you’ve outdone yourself.
well, that was fun. let’s give the Big Wheel of Moron another spin.
here’s Holy Mike Johnson, once again weaseling out of answering the age-old question, ‘if you’re going to shitcan Obamacare, what will going to replace it with?’
we’ve got notebooks full of ideas.”
oh please, fuck straight off with this nonsense. for fifteen years, an endless procession of Republicans have told us that their plan to replace Obamacare is just around the corner. any day now. two weeks, tops.
there is no Republican plan to replace Obamacare, other than ‘please just go away and die.’
last week Holy Mike assured us a plan was almost ready, but he couldn’t talk about it because he didn’t want the details to leak. what on earth? this week, he’s got notebooks full of ideas. next week, it’s going to be some new story. maybe his dog will have eaten his healthcare plan.
shut the fuck up, Mike. we’re not as gullible as your cultists.
it turns out we don’t need Holy Mike’s imaginary notebook full of nonexistent ideas, because Donny’s finally released that healthcare plan he’s been working on since forever. check it out:
wait, how did that get in here? I’m sorry, here’s Donny to explain his actual plan.
“what I want is instead of going to the insurance companies, I want the money to go into an account for people where the people buy their own health insurance. it’s so good. the insurance will be better. it’ll cost less. everybody is gonna be happy. they’re gonna feel like entrepreneurs. they’re actually able to go out and negotiate their own health insurance. and they can use it only for that reason, to be only for that purpose. and if we did that, that would be so exciting. call it Trumpcare.”
are you fucking kidding me? what Donny is proposing here is to construct a new layer of government bureaucracy — one that’s going to create millions of individual bank accounts that can only be used to pay for health insurance, and somehow, money will magically show up in these accounts, and all of us get to be our very own entrepreneurs.
yay us!
and who’s going to administer this? Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz? really? the two low-wattage imbeciles who couldn’t healthcare their way out of a wet paper bag?
instead of calling Trumpcare, how about we call it The Most Fuckbrained Thing I Ever Heard Of.
Donny gets away with this shit because no reporter will ask the simple question, ‘how would that work?’ they just sit there and nod their heads, as if the gibberish that just seeped out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth made all the sense in the world.
can we get that confused first grader back in here to cook up a healthcare plan? because I’m pretty sure she could do a better job than Donny.
when President Gas Leak farts out some cockamamie scheme to create an unworkable bureaucracy administered by morons, and backs it up with ‘it’s so good. the insurance will be better. it’ll cost less. everybody is gonna be happy’ — without offering on iota of explanation how on earth it would happen — there’s really only one appropriate response. say it with me, because you know what it is. that’s right: what the fuck is wrong with you?
look, I don’t need an additional job, that of Insurance Policy Negotiator. I’m actually pretty shit at negotiating. I don’t like admitting that, but it’s true. but now I have to be William Fucking Shatner, just to obtain healthcare coverage?
I guarantee our soft, pampered president hasn’t spent one second of his life on the phone with an insurance company. he has no idea what a fucking nightmare it is.
you know who’s going to leap at the chance to go head-to-head with an insurance company? MAGA morons, that’s who — because just like Dear Leader, they’re all convinced of their own genius. imagine the dipshit down the street — the one with all the Trump flags on his broken-down pickup truck — on the phone with some corporate sharpie. he’s going to get fleeced, and end up with a plan that’s ten times worse than the one he got through Obamacare — and he’s going to brag about how he pulled one over on United Healthcare.
look, there is a simple insurance solution out there. let me explain.
I’ve got Medicare. it’s provided to me by the government. it’s reliable. I never have to talk to an insurance company. it just fucking works. I never have to worry about being bankrupted by a visit to the hospital. we should expand on that, and make it available to everyone, not just old farts like me. we could even give it a fancy name. how about Medicare for All?
wouldn’t that make the most sense?
I’m a fucking genius, right?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
And Today Was No Exception
Is It Too Much To Hope?
Friday Tiedrich
If the Democrats don’t use this top photo in midterm ads far and wide there’s no hope for them…
‘look for the helpers.’
those are the sage words of Mister Rogers. it’s what his mother always told him, he said, when as a child he would see scary things in the news. ‘look for the helpers. you will always find people who are helping.’
it’s true. when scary stuff goes down, there are always helpers.
but do you know what else you’ll find, when shit goes sideways? some demented fuckbag who stands around and does nothing, because he absolutely could not care one iota about helping.
which brings us to the photo at the top of this post.
yesterday, Donny made a great show of announcing that he’d reached a concept of a sketch for a framework for lowering the price of weight-loss drugs.
the whole thing could have been a press release, or an email, but it wasn’t — because for the bottomless well of need in the White House, everything has to be a spectacle. this announcement had to be a made-for-TV production, where big, strong, teary-eyed pharmaceutical executives take turns praising Dear Leader for being the greatest sketcher of frameworks of all time. ‘sir! sir! you framework those concepts like no one thought possible! how do you do it? sir!’
look, lowering the price of weight-loss drugs is all well and good, but our nation has more pressing needs right now. for instance, how about Preznit Fuckwit pays out those SNAP benefits, as he’s been court-ordered to — because 43 million Americans are already losing weight through a thing called the I Can’t Afford To Buy Food Diet.
anyway, Donny dragged a bunch of Big Pharma honchos — along with the Healthcare Morons, Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz — into the Oval Bordello to participate in his dog and pony show.
when the Shitblizzard of Oz stepped up to the mic to drown us in a blizzard of bullshit, Donny did what he always does when someone else is talking: he fell fast asleep.
did our favorite narcoleptic fart factory fill the room, as is his trademark move, with the pungent aroma of ass music? we’ll never know — but the thing that happened next is that some dude behind Donny passed out and fell to the floor.
did you notice what Bobby Brainworms did? he booked it out of the room, pronto. maybe to alert the White House medical staff, or maybe to get his chainsaw — because you never know when a head may need to be separated from a body.
but more importantly — as everyone else in the room rushed over to do whatever they could — here’s what our Helper-in-Chief did: jack shit.
oh sure, he spent a couple of seconds staring vaguely at what was going on, but then he stood up, faced forward with vacant eyes — the lights were on but no one was home — and froze.
it would have been the perfect moment for some reporter to have finally — at long last — won the What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ (which is now in its 2,047th day).
oh, I’m sorry, were you expecting Donny to do something? oh please, he’s not going to help. helping is what commies do.
there’s Donny’s entire existence, summed up in one photograph: he doesn’t care.
he doesn’t care about you or me. he doesn’t care about unemployed government workers. he doesn’t care about hungry families, or teargassed children, or Americans disappeared into slave-labor gulags, or Venezuelan fishermen blown out of the water, or priests shot in the face by ICE goons.
he doesn’t even care about a crony who fell to the ground not four feet away him.
Donny only cares about himself, and about glomming all the money, all the power, and all the attention. and, as always, We the People are cordially invited to go fuck ourselves.
and, because Donny’s demented pudding-brain has gone fuckity-bye, he’s too befuddled to realize that he needs to pretend to care. he just stands there like a useless bump, lost in an ever-thickening fog of confusion. is Donny even aware of what’s going on around him?
it was just another day of disgrace and buffoonery from our disgraceful buffoon president.
oh, and because we live in the dumbest possible timeline, where everything has to end up as a sideshow of clownfuckery, Newsmax had to assure their low-wattage viewers that Dear Leader was never in any danger. from what? collateral faintage?
“President Trump, we want to be clear, is okay.”
thanks for clearing that up. we were sleepless with worry.
fortunately, our story has a happy ending.
The person who fainted in the Oval Office was one of Eli Lilly’s guests and is now doing “great,” the company’s CEO said.
and, in case you need a reminder of how a real president acts, here’s Barack HUSSEIN Obama giving a speech — and catching a fainting woman before she can fall. (it’s at the 37-second mark.)
“I gotcha. don’t worry.”
dude’s so cool, calm and collected that he even has a quip at the ready:
“this happens when I talk too long.”
this is why Donny hates Obama — because he’s everything Donny isn’t. Donny will never be cool, calm and collected, and he knows it.
boo fucking hoo.
here are your heroes of the day: the members of the jury who acquitted Sandwich Guy.
Holstein cow cosplayer and America’s Tipsiest US Attorney, Jeanine Boxwine, was super fucking horny to make an example out of the guy who lobbed a sandwich at a border patrol agent in DC.
after a grand jury refused to indict Sandwich Guy for felony assault — because let’s get real, Jeanine, it was a fucking sandwich — she charged the guy with a misdemeanor, and wasted taxpayer money on a pointless trial.
here’s my favorite part of the whole three-day time-suck.
The officer Sandwich Guy is charged with assaulting testifies that he could feel the impact of the sandwich through his ballistic vest, and it “exploded all over my uniform.” He says he could “smell the onions and the mustard.”
what a harrowing experience indeed, to feel the impact and smell the onionsand the mustard. oh, the humanity!
but wait, the video tells a very different story: one about a definitely unexploded sandwich that bounced off the officer and lay intact on the ground.
We’re back to the sandwich video. The paper, the defense points out, is still on. “You don’t see there’s mustard on it?” “You can’t tell there’s ketchup on it?” Mayonnaise? Lettuce? Tomato? “In fact, that sandwich hasn’t exploded at all?” Witness says the sandwich “looks bent and out of shape.”
so, what was it? an exploded sandwich or an unexploded one? wait, what if it were both? oh my god, people, we have Schroedinger’s Sandwich.
in the end, the jury served up a big slice of Fuck You Pie to Jeanine Boxwine, and acquitted Sandwich Guy of the single charge of Assault with a Deadly Sandwich.
because let’s get real, everyone — it was a fucking sandwich. wake up and smell the mustard and the onions.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Right?!
Right?!
