Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich
good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.
the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.
let us review the atrocities.
the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.
this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.
let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’
“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”
yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.
but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.
“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”
seriously?
presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.
did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?
At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”
Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.
but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.
twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?
this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.
Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”
trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJQ9kVET58
“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”
that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.
come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.
Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”
Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”
look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.
these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.
meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.
no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.
wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.
Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.
US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.
but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.
oh jeebus. China — after we just spent two months torturing them with an ever-shifting series of reckless tariffs, now we want them to be our bestie and do us a solid in the Middle East.
we should probably do a wellness check on misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, and see how he’s coping. you’ll recall that last year, Chuckers was reliably anti-war.
oh look, Charlie’s now toeing the official party line that ‘we have always been at war with Eastasia.’
why am I not surprised? and why am I not surprised that The Kirkster is now wetting his pants over the prospect of sleeper cells?
“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”
oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.
I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.
I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.
the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.
nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.
we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?
Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.
but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.
“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.
Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.
Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”
fuck me, we’re doomed.
let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.
we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?
A Day Late And A Dollar Short
Sorry, Bernie. I like you, but the genie is already out of the bottle, and unless you can convince a sizable number of your colleagues to impeach, convict, and remove the orange felon from office, this is just meaningless posturing. FUCKING DO SOMETHING.
Right There With Ya
And Just What Are They Gonna Do About It?
Issue a strongly worded letter?
Apparently…
…you can’t say FUCK TRUMP on Instagram! Who knew?
But seriously, I posted this to my Insta and was immediately logged out with an error message saying “Your account is suspected of auto-posting.”
So I logged back in and attempted to add a comment to the post (which was still there) saying, “Apparently you can’t say FUCK TRUMP on Instagram.”
It logged me out again with the same error message.
Then I asked ChatGPT to create a photorealistic version of the comic. It too balked. “Violation of Terms of Service” or some such nonsense.
I submitted it again without the FUCK TRUMP and it had no problem creating the image.
Fuck you, ChatGPT. I added the text back with Photoshop.
Vomiting It All Up
The Hypocrisy Is Deafening
Vomiting It All Up
And lastly, to no one’s surprise at all…
If Only…
Wednesday Madness
it’s the Boy King’s birthday!
the Boy King is excited, because everyone loves him — and the Royal Military has thrown him a great big parade!
look at all the powerful tanks! look at all the marching warfighters!
but wait — what’s that over there in the crowd? someone isn’t smiling at the Boy King.
the whole day is spoiled. it’s not fair! the Boy King slams his doughy doll-sized fist down onto his throne.
everyone has to love me! the Supreme Court says so
no, really. he’s such a fucking child.
“we’re celebrating big on Saturday, we’re gonna have a lot of— and if any protestor wants to come out, they will be met with very big force, by the way. and for those people who want to protest, they’re gonna be met with very big force.”
wait, how big? very big? oh, okay. thanks for clarifying that, Mr. Dimwit With The Vocabulary Of A Toddler.
with all due respect, Donny, you can fuck straight off with your tough-guy threats. everybody doesn’t have to love you — and the last time I looked, the right to assemble was still guaranteed by the First Amendment of our Constitution.
“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
on Saturday, June 14 — the same day as Donny’s Big Birthday Parade — we’re going to right-to-assemble the shit out of America.
there will be hundreds of No Kings protests happening on Saturday — join one near you.
hey, do you know what the Boy King’s Big Love-Me Birthday Parade is costing? 45 million dollars — $16 million of which is just to repair the damage to DC’s streets that will be caused by hundreds of tanks rolling across them.
The Army is preparing for the potential harm to Washington streets with several measures it hopes will avert damage. These include using 1-inch-thick steel plates, some as long as 20 feet, at places along the parade route where the tanks must turn and where those turns could cause the most damage to the streets.
this is all so unnecessary. tens of million of dollars, pissed right down the drain, just so a broken-inside narcissist can pretend he’s not the worthless piece of shit failure that his father never stopped telling him he was.
you can only have two government-approved dolls and five pencils, but Donny gets to have a skillionty tanks and spend all the money he wants on a vanity parade.
and by the way, forty-five mil is chicken feed compared to what Donny’s wasting on his little adventure in Los Angeles.
“the current estimated cost is $134 million dollars.”
wrap your mind around that. one hundred and thirty-four million dollars, just so the National Guard can “protect” a few square blocks of downtown Los Angeles from its own residents. what a waste.
think about that, the next time some Republican fuckwad tells you that we can’t afford to give seniors healthcare, or provide hot lunches to schoolchildren.
every time you think Donny’s reached the bottom of the barrel, he somehow manages to kick his way though and go even lower. he turns every public appearance into a highly-politicized campaign rally. here he is, goading assembled troops at Fort Bragg into booing Gavin Newsom and Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass.
“in Los Angeles, the Governor of California, the Mayor of Los Angeles [boos]. they’re incompetent, and they paid troublemakers, agitators and insurrectionists. they’re engaged in this willful attempt to nullify federal law and aid the occupation of the city by criminal invaders.”
what just oozed out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth? did he just accuse Newsom and Bass of paying the protestors? that’s what it sounded like to me. what the fuck?
just imagine if Joe Biden had goaded a bunch of troops into booing Greg Abbott or Ron DeSantis. Republicans would have burned DC to the ground. Comer Fudd would have started bleeding from the eyeballs. Hannity would have shit a massive brick on live TV, and then had it bronzed.
but Republicans think it’s just fine when Donny uses our troops as props, and starts shit-talking Democrats. in fact, they just join right in, like it’s the funniest fucking thing on Earth.
reporter: “Speaker Johnson, the president said, possibly in jest, that if he were Tom Homan, he would arrest Gavin Newsom. do you believe that Newsom should face consequences, in a legal way?”
Holy Mike: “um. uh. look. that’s not my lane. I’m not gonna give you legal analysis whether Gavin Newsom should be arrested, bu he oughta be tarred and feathered, I’ll say that.”
oh fuck right off, Speaker Limpdick. Gavin Newsom should be tarred and feathered? for what, exactly? for back-talking Dear Leader? is that a crime now?
Mike Johnson holds a law degree from LSU. legal analysis is his lane. he knows that Gavin Newsom hasn’t broken any laws — but he has to toe Donny’s line and pretend that Gavin’s a master criminal, because Holy Mike is a cowardly fucking weasel.
oh, and by the way, tarring and feathering is a thing the KKK used to do to ‘uppity’ blacks. it’s gruesome, medieval torture.
while we’re on the subject of Gavin Newsom, let’s give him a round of applause for meeting the moment.
he’s been great on social media.
and he’s been great on TV. last night, Newsom gave a televised address to the nation, and he did not mince words.
no fucking shit.
here’s a short chunk from the speech.
“democracy is under assault before our eyes. this moment we have feared has arrived. he’s taking a wrecking ball to our founding fathers’ historic project. three co-equal branches of independent government. there no longer any checks and balances. Congress is nowhere to be found. Speaker Johnson has completely abdicated that responsibility. the rule of law has increasingly been given way to the rule of Don. the founding fathers, they didn’t live and die to see this kind of moment. it’s time for all of us to stand up. Justice Brandeis, he said it best. in a democracy, the most important office, with all due respect, Mr. President, is not the presidency. and it’s certainly not governor. the most important office is Office of Citizen. at this moment, we all need to stand up and be held to account, a higher level of accountability. if you exercise your First Amendment rights, please, please — do it peacefully.”
here’s the whole 9-minutes.
I’m liking the Fight-The-Power Gavin Newsom so much better than the Let’s-Podcast-With-Steve-Bannon Gavin Newsom.
more like this, bro.
when Donny Bone Spurs sent the National Guard to quote-unquote ‘bring order’ to the completely-avoidable ‘crisis’ he manufactured, do you know what he didn’t send along with them? anything for the Guard to eat, or drink. any place for them to sleep, or shit.
he just unceremoniously dumped them in the middle of Los Angeles without planning or forethought, and said sayonara, fucknuggets, you’re on your own. why? because Donny is an incompetent imbecile, and that’s how incompetent imbeciles roll.
look at this dumb-assery.
that’s the California National Guard, trying to sleep on the floor of a warehouse basement in downtown Los Angeles.
this is your National Guard, ladies and gentlemen. hungry, tired, thirsty, and forced to sleep piled up on top of one another — because apparently, it didn’t dawn on anyone at the top that food, water, or places to sleep and shit might be necessary for the Guard during an open-ended deployment.
“This is what happens when the president and (Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth) demand the National Guard state assets deploy immediately with no plan in place … (and) no federal funding available for food, water, fuel and lodging,” the source said. “This is really the failure of the federal government. If you’re going to federalize these troops, then take care of them.”
“Currently, there is no plan for where everyone is sleeping tonight,” the source said, adding that there was an urgent need to find more portable bathrooms and dumpsters for garbage.
isn’t it heartening to know that ‘because fuck you, that’s why’ also extends to the brave men and women who serve our country?
this is the level of expertise that Donny brings to his job: zero.
never forget that as powerful as the position of United States President is, Donny totally fucking sucks at his job — and all his Sewer Clowns suck attheir jobs, too.
here’s a fun fact:
When called into federal service, the National Guard becomes part of the Department of Defense
that means that the federalized Guard in Los Angeles is currently the responsibility of the Fox News dunk-tank clown who the Mad King decided would make the perfect Secretary of Defense.
do you think the tipsy chat-show host who now runs the DoD knows — or cares — about logistics? fuck no, he does not. but you know what SecDef Kegstand does have? his own really cool makeup studio in the Pentagon, so his hair will be perfect at all times.
priorities!
this macho-obsessed uber-bro never stops yammering about warfighters and battle readiness — and what does he do during his first test of his mettle? he tanks it.
fuck me, a carload of drag queens could have done a better job of feeding the Guard.
reporter: “Gavin Newsom is daring Tom Homan to come and arrest him. should he do it?”
Donny: “I would do it, if I were Tom … I think it would be a great thing.”
reporters caught up with Donny again later in the White House, and they were all ‘arrest Gavin Newsom? for what crime, exactly?’
reporter: “what crime has Gavin Newsom committed?”
Donny: “what crime has he committed? I think his primarily— his primary crime is running for governor.”
perfectly normal stuff, the chief executive of the land deciding ad hoc that doing stuff I don’t like is now a crime. Donny wasn’t joking. there’s no smile on his face, or levity in his tone of voice.
nothing to see here, folks, just a spiteful, vindictive Mad King, making shit up as he goes along — exactly as our founders intended when they drafted the Constitution.
let’s back up a bit. the whole reason for the exchanges between Donny and the reporters was ‘border czar’ Tom Homan’s weekend threat to arrest Newsom if he tries to ‘interfere’ with the ICE’s Los Angeles raids — a threat to which Newsom replied, bring it, shitnozzle.
“the fear, the horror, who the hell is this guy? come after me, arrest me, let’s just get this over with, tough guy.”
now, here’s a cool fact about being Donny’s ‘border czar’: it’s a made-up job.Homan wasn’t confirmed by the Senate, and doesn’t actually work for any government agency.
Tom’s job is to puff out his chest and make racist-as-fuck proclamations — but he can’t arrest anybody. he doesn’t have that power.
while we’re on the subject of Donny’s Racism Czar — what’s with the Fidel Castro cosplay?
Tom Homan apparently believes his job now entails playing dress-up and preening for the camera. dude, sit the fuck down. you’re a bureaucrat, not a background extra in some action movie.
Tom must have gotten jealous of all the airtime ICE Barbie was getting.
Tom Homan apparently believes his job now entails playing dress-up and preening for the camera. dude, sit the fuck down. you’re a bureaucrat, not a background extra in some action movie.
Tom must have gotten jealous of all the airtime ICE Barbie was getting
Fox: “what do you say to her point and Gavin Newsom making the same point that all the chaos and everything you’re seeing now is because ICE showed up on the scene, that everything was peaceful up until that moment.”
DHS official Tricia McLaughlin: “that’s absolutely ridiculous. it’s just on Friday night, we— when LAPD was not responding for two hours, our ICE office was surrounded by a thousand protestors. they were uh lighting American flags on fire. burning them as they were hoisting up foreign flags. it’s un-American activity going on, and it was becoming very violent. they were pummeling our ICE enforcement officers with rocks.”
here’s a pro tip for Fox: when making the case that all of Los Angeles is a violent, lawless hellhole, don’t support that case by showing live feed of a people swaying to music in LA’s downtown.
also, if Fox is making the case that ‘hoisting up foreign flags’ is now an ‘un-American activity’ — tell me, is this a foreign flag?
these, to refresh everyone’s memory, are the homeys Donny described as “very fine people” as they marched in Charlottesville in 2017.
how about this dude?
bro here seems a bit confused about which America he belongs to.
here’s a map that that I want you to keep in mind as you listen to Donny and the Sewer Clowns — aided and abetted by the entire wingnut outrage/industrial complex — work overtime to convince you that the entirety of Los Angeles has been ‘swarmed’ by commie anarchists, and that the entire city is consumed by fire and violence.
it was sent to me by commenter Alison Parker, but I didn’t receive it in time to include it in the emailed version of yesterday’s post.
this is the City of Los Angeles. circled in red is the downtown area where the protests are.
so please, Donny, tell us again how all of Los Angeles has been ‘overrun’ by ‘insurrectionists.’ it’s such a cute story.
here’s your quote of the day.
that’s us. let’s fucking go.
The Hypocrisy Is Deafening
Honestly, Are You Surprised?
And Twitter is on board and encouraging…
*checks tweet*
pedophiles
Monday Madness
let’s be clear: Preznit Fuckwit needed a distraction. his tariff scheme went tits-up. everyone’s laughing at Taco Donny. Putin’s ignoring him. no one’s impressed with his vulgar flying bordello. his ‘big beautiful bill’ is a big beautiful clusterfuck. DOGE is a bust. his bromance with the Space Nazi has gone fuckity-bye.
the Mad King had to come up with something, anything, to make him feel better about his own worthless, failing self — and so he decided to go full fascist.
a lot of fucked-up shit went down this weekend in Los Angeles. let’s let California Governor Gavin Newsom sum up perfectly why the blame for all of it needs to land squarely on the Mad King’s shoulders.
“Let’s get this straight:
1) Local law enforcement didn’t need help.
2) Trump sent troops anyway — to manufacture chaos and violence.
3) Trump succeeded.
4) Now things are destabilized and we need to send in more law enforcement just to clean up Trump’s mess.”
let’s back this up one step further: none of this had to happen at all.
Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.
On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.
got that? ICE went on a fishing expedition based on zero evidence. they invaded places of business. they targeted random brown people at locations where they were likely to be found. which, in Los Angeles, is everyfuckingwhere.
ICE went looking for trouble — and when they didn’t find any, they started some.
none of this was necessary.
it’s really weird how Joe Biden managed to deport undocumented migrants — in greater numbers than Donny — without shitting on the Constitution, without stomping all over human rights — and without disappearing cancer-stricken children who happen to be American citizens.
you know who else took care of immigration policy without fucking everything all to hell? Barack Obama. Bill Clinton. both Smirky Bush and Poppy Bush. Ronald Reagan. Jimmy Carter. Gerald Ford. on and on.
it’s only the Mad King who turned the simple task of managing the border into a five-alarm shithole nightmare. I guess that’s just a coincidence.
or maybe it’s that Donny is a racist chaos-junkie who gets off on violence. his lust for blood was so off the charts that he took a victory lap even before the National Guard arrived on the scene.
“Great job by the National Guard in Los Angeles after two days of violence, clashes and unrest … Again, thank you to the National Guard for a job well done!”
it cannot be stressed enough that Donny posted this about six hours before a single National Guard deployed in Los Angeles.
Donny needs you to believe that all of Los Angeles is a hellish, smoking ruin right now.
“A once great American City, Los Angeles, has been invaded and occupied by Illegal Aliens and Criminals. Now violent, insurrectionist mobs are swarming and attacking our Federal Agents to try and stop our deportation operations.”
none of that shit is true. Los Angeles hasn’t been ‘invaded’ or ‘occupied.’ violent mobs aren’t ‘swarming.’
do you know how many undocumented migrants were arrested by ICE after their Friday sweep of the city?
They arrested 121 people.
one hundred and twenty one people. in a city of 3.821 million. that’s not an invasion, nor an occupation. that’s a rounding error away from zero.
this isn’t the first time Donny’s pulled this “everything’s burning to the ground and only I can save it” bullshit. during the George Floyd protests in 2020, Donny never stopped beating the drum about how Portland, Oregon was a smoking ruin.
fact check: fuck straight off.
Portland’s fire department has a message for President Donald Trump: the whole city is not on fire.
At a Monday news conference, Trump claimed that protests in Portland have been so damaging that “the entire city is ablaze all the time.”
the Portland protests were confined to a small, downtown area — but Donny did such a good job of lying that to this day, there are cultists who will swear to you that the entire city of Portland remains a smoking pile of ashes.
and now the Mad King is doing it all over again with Los Angeles.
did you notice that Donny referred to the protestors as ‘insurrectionists’? that’s because words no longer have meanings in America.
here’s Nosferatu McGoebbels, joining the party and cranking the Orwell dial so far past eleven that it snaps off in his vampyric hand.
“An insurrection against the laws and sovereignty of the United States.”
and when there was only one set of footprints, that’s when Jesus was standing behind Pee Wee German, rolling his eyes and miming jerkoff motions.
yeah, no, jackass: protesting human rights violations is in no way an insurrection. do you really need a definition of an insurrection? here’s one: an insurrection is when you’re such a big fucking baby that you can’t deal with losing an election, and so you whip your deranged worshipers into a frenzy, and then send them off to storm the Capitol, beat the shit out of cops, and stop the certification of votes.
and while we’re on the subject of beating the shit out of cops —
“Hit a cop, you’re going to jail… doesn’t matter where you came from, how you got here, or what movement speaks to you. If the local police force won’t back our men and women on the thin blue line, we will.”
hey Krazee Eyes, what about these guys?
every single one of these cop-beating shitbags got pardoned by Dear Leader on his first day in office.
but wait — we’re not done with our Grand Tour of Sewer Clown Hypocrisy. I’m so old, I remember when a President deploying the National Guard was bad.
“if Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”
that was ICE Barbie all the way back in 2024, when she was merely the puppy-perforating governor of South Dakota.
back then, Joe Biden was trying to prevent Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, from using razor-wire booby traps to slice the shit out of border-crossing migrants.
hyperventilating Republicans had a message for Joe: deploying the National Guard would be a bridge too far, because states rights!
but now, when Dear Leader wants the Guard to patrol California, suddenly states’ rights are no longer an issue, because — well, frankly, I’m having a hard time deciding if it’s because reasons or because fuck you, that’s why. maybe it’s both.
meanwhile, Donny remains glued to the TV and rooting for bloodshed — in his own country. what kind of broken-inside fuck does that?
arrest the people wearing face masks? who, the ICE goons?
you know, I seem to remember someone warning us that all this would come to pass, if Donny were elected. I also remember that the media was all shut the fuck up, laughing lady.
“Kamala’s newest lie: Trump will send the army after you.”
uh-huh. tell me, is it a lie if something comes true?
the press is continuing to be no help at all.
got that? the Mad King isn’t using the laws of our land for toilet paper — he’s ‘charting new territory.’ thanks for clearing that up, LA Times.
Donny spent his entire first presidency chipping away at the Constitution. now he’s traded his chisel for a blowtorch — and the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press are still treating Donny’s ever-quickening rush to fascism as if it were just some interesting variation on governance.
what are we even doing here, worthless scribblers?
stay angry.
stay safe.
and never lose your sense of humor.
Trump nearly falls flat on his face while struggling to walk up the steps to Air Force One today
— MeidasTouch (@meidastouch.com) June 8, 2025 at 1:49 PM
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
FUCK TRUMP
Vomiting It All Up, Sunday Edition
And lastly…
You Know What To Do
Monday Madness
that’s a doozie of a headline, isn’t it? I promise, we’re going to get to it. but first, we need to talk about Mad King Donny’s Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard.
you see, Tulsi has a wee bit of a problem. it seems her boss is a cognitively-impaired old fuckwit whose brain left the station ages ago.
I know, right? that’s the entire world’s problem, not just Tulsi’s — but here’s how working for an erratic imbecile with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel is affecting Tulsi’s ability to do her job: she can’t get Donny to even look at his daily intel briefing. so she’s been trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.
President Donald Trump’s intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information.
how surreal is it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — has become the voice of sanity regarding national security? folks, that’s how far down the fucking rabbit hole we’ve fallen.
obviously, ‘making it more aligned with how he likes to consume information’is not a new problem. all during the Mad King’s first reign, his staffers had to pretty much trick him into reading his daily brief. they dumbed that shit down until it was just bullet points and pictures, and they’d be all look, Donny! it’s a photo of you with words underneath. can you read what those words say about you?
imagine having to treat a person in command of a nuclear arsenal as if he were a colicky baby. now imagine reelecting him. what the fuck, America?
here’s the perplexing pickle Tulsi finds herself in during the second reign of the Mad King: Donny’s brain has puddingfied to the point where even simple bullet points and photos are too complicated for the deteriorating old coot to deal with.
on top of that, Donny seems unclear on the concept of a daily brief. most days, he just waves it away. Tulsi walks into the room and he’s all get that thing away from me, for fuck’s sake, I’m watching myself on TV.
Since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week.
now, because Tulsi is a sewer clown, she’s come up with the most sewerclowntastic solution to her problem:
One idea that’s been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that’s made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast.
I don’t know about you, but I’m loving this idea! the whole government is already an extension of Fox News. right now there are no fewer than twenty-three former Fox bobbleheads working for Donny.
our Secretary of Defense is a chat-show host who doubled as the buffoon they’d send out to Times Square to get piss-drunk on New Year’s Eve.
a tipsy fake TV judge is now the Attorney for DC.
so let’s go all-in. let’s turn the entire government into one big Fox studio. over at the Pentagon, Pete Kegstand already has his own makeup studio — so we’re almost there, right?
but wait — how about if Tulsi just put TV over her head and pretended to be Fox News?
think of all the money that would be saved. now that’s efficiency in government!
perhaps Tulsi should be putting Donny’s intel briefing into his Truth Social feed — but maybe it’s too late even for that. Mad King Donny is apparently already getting his daily briefings from QAnon.
(hey, I told you we’d be getting to the headline.)
look at this fever-swamp lunacy that Donny posted over the weekend.
There is no #JoeBiden – executed in 2020.
#Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see.
#Democrats dont know the difference.
nothing to see here, right? just the president of the United States endorsing a QAnon trope that Joe Biden got snuffed years ago — and the dude we saw in the Oval Office was a robot the whole time. perfectly normal stuff.
let’s consider the double triple quadruple-think at work here.
according to Donny — and, by extention, MAGA — Joe Biden is the mastermind of an entire crime family that regularly shakes down world leaders to the tune of millions of dollars. and the whole time he’s been doing this, he’s been a drooling demented mess who no longer has any clue which end is up. ok, that makes perfect sense, right?
now, let’s slather on top of that the fact that real Joe Biden was executed (by who?) years ago and was replaced by a robot. which means that someone purposely constructed a malfunctioning crime-robot with dementia.
and, on top of all of that, now the robot has cancer — which is just fine with Donny. he doesn’t feel sorry for the malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia, because it’s a vicious malfunctioning crime-robot who does vicious things.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
to recap, Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia who does vicious things.
ohhhhhkay, President Pudding Cup. let’s get you to bed.
here’s another perfectly normal thing our perfectly normal president did this weekend: he threw a shitfit because no one told him about his new nickname.
Donny is fucking pissed that he had to find out from a reporter that Wall Street is mocking him.
but look at it from the standpoint of a White House staffer: do you want to be the one to tell an erratic rage-monkey that TACO stands for Trump Always Chickens Out? of course you don’t. so you’re fucked if you do and you’re fucked if you don’t. keep Donny in the loop, or hide the bad news from Donny — either way, you’re going to end up with a ketchup bottle chucked at your head.
at this point, why would anyone want to work for Mad King Donny? it’s a loser’s game. the only winning move is not to play.
buckle in, it’s only Monday. this is going to be a long week.
All Boxes Checked
Key characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath:
Narcissistic traits:
Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
Need for admiration: Constantly seeking attention and praise.
Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others.
Sociopathic traits:
Disregard for rules and laws: They may be indifferent to the consequences of their actions.
Manipulative behavior: They may lie, cheat, and exploit others for their own gain.
Lack of remorse: They may not feel guilt or regret for hurting others.
The Week In Stupid
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: sticker shock
folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.
here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.
oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?
no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.
oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.
of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.
so there was no damage?
well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?
sorry. tell me what happened next.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —
— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.
wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.
yeah, that’s pretty much it.
I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.
tuesday: what rhymes with crapper
Jake Tapper’s relentless promotion of his Biden hit-job continues. look at the self-satisfied glee with which he delivers the line he no doubt practiced in the mirror for hours.
“it is a scandal. it is without question — and maybe even worse than Watergate in some ways, because Richard Nixon was in control of his faculties when he wasn’t drinking.”
first of all: fuck off, Jake.
second of all: fuck all the way off, Jake.
no, the alleged cover-up of an allegedly impaired president is notworse than Richard Nixon sending a band of thugs to break into Democratic National Headquarters to steal everything that wasn’t nailed down. how fucking dare you smirk while these imbecilic words leak out of your face-hole.
hey, let’s fast forward to the end of the week, because we could all use a little schadenfreude right now. oh look — Tapper’s book is an embarrassing failure.
Biden’s book, “Original Sin,” with Alex Thompson has had more publicity than any book of recent memory thanks to CNN’s collaboration. But now come the disappointing sales. 53,737 print units sold, per Circana BookScan for the first week.
By comparison: Bob Woodward’s book “Fear: Trump in the White House” sold 1.1 million copies in its first week.
ohhh. too bad, so sad, Jake. sucks to be you. here, have some tiny violin.
for the rest of us, it’s Snoopy dance!
wednesday: dare to be an idiot
hey, remember last year, when Vivek Ramaswamy was a thing for about fifteen minutes, and then everyone was all yeah, fuck no and quickly forgot all about him?
well, Vivek’s back, baby — and he’s got the solution to our national debt. check out this brilliant idea: the whole fucking thing would disappear in a heartbeat if everybody would just choose to be a billionaire!
“we’re going to have to have the courage to take on independence from the federal entitlement state. that’s what we actually need to be talking about, and I personally believe that everything else ends up being a distraction of dealing with this national debt issue. as the question of how are we going to start with a generation of Americans who hopefully become so wealthythat they don’t need the federal entitlement state.”
everyone should just become a billionaire! it’s that fucking easy.it’s a solution so obvious, I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before now. just choose to be rich! and you don’t even have to think up a new way to do it. just do what Vivek did, and enrich yourself through fraud and stock manipulation.
look, I have a simpler solution: why don’t we just grind up half the poors and feed them to the other poors?
if it was good enough for Jonathan Swift, then it’s good enough for America.
thursday: we’re all going to whaaaaat?
Iowa Senator and pig-castration aficionado Joni Ernst held a town hall this week — and like so many Republicans, she encountered a buzzsaw of angry voters demanding to know why social programs were being gutted so that gazillionaires could get another round of tax cuts.
unlike others in the GOP, however, Joni maintained her cool. after she told a bunch of lies about how the real problem is “illegals” receiving Medicaid benefits (fact check: they don’t, because they can’t), the crowd started shouting “PEOPLE WILL DIE.”
no biggie, countered Joni, because—
“well, we all are going to die.”
wait, what? why am I just hearing about this now?
my my, aren’t we fucking philosophical, Joni.
of course, some of us will die in bed, surrounded by our loved ones, and some of us will die face down in the gutter because we can’t afford medical care — but does any of that really matter? because in the end, we’re all just expired meat, right?
it’s a wise old saying: elect a bunch of psychopath clowns, get a psychopath circus.
do you think that’s what Joni said to those hogs, as she was lopping off their balls? ‘don’t worry about this, we’re all going to die.’
friday: ugh, this fucking guy
why the hell would any of our worthless scribblers bother asking the doughy pantload in the Oval Office to comment on Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis? yet, that’s exactly what someone did — and Little Donny Fuckface did not disappoint.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
oh. my. fucking. god. stay classy, you malodorous piece of shit.
at the risk of repeating myself for the umpteenth time, the first reporter to stand up and ask “what the fuck is wrong with you” should get a lifetime Pulitzer.
imagine that any Democrat said they didn’t feel sorry for a cancer-stricken Republican. it would be the immediate end to their political career — but for Donny, it’s just another Friday. not a single mention in The New York Times. ditto the Washington Post.
hey, Jake Tapper, any interest in writing a book on the hideous pile of dung currently befouling the White House?
awesome job, Jake.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
SO. MUCH. PROJECTION.
Post Memorial Day Madness
yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON’T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Donny’s such a funster, isn’t he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.
where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don’t act like this. they don’t wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don’t lie awake a night, plotting revenge.
as always with the shit Donny pulls, it’s just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.
with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.
it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.
check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.
Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny’s Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.
then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!
let’s listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.
“…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we’re gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I’m glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn’t be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that.”
oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he’s on a mission from God
what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America’s big birthday. delusions of grandeur don’t get any more grandly delusional than that.
why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?
does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going ‘fuck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.’
how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we’ve all been there, bro.
do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?
“hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I’m going to tell everyone I was sent by God.”
“oh that’s great, sir. now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch.”
now let’s all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one
“… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …”
I love how Donny’s left hand flails helplessly as a word he’s never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he’s looking at, and his hand gives it away. that’s why you’re supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.
so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.
if you were watching Donny’s speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.
thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.
it’s all part of His plan, right?
here’s your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.
this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.
but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America.”
“power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there’s nothing new in this.”
in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it’s refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.
did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.
boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.
Vomiting It All Up
Saturday Madness
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: what exactly are we grasping at here
guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.
Fox News fuckface: “Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all.”
Rep. Tim Burchett: “I don’t drink out of a straw, brother. that’s what the women in my house do.”
honchos, take it from Tim: don’t be a girlywuss. don’t daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that’s what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.
seriously, Timmy? is this you?
Tim, is this Jesse Watters?
look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called ‘real men’ don’t worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?
tuesday: mmm, conspiracies
no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict’s presidency?
Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it’s a deep state plot.
“what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they’re satanists — this isn’t what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it’s just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that’s what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like ‘oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,’ it’s like no, actually that’s part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance.”
Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?
busted!
wednesday: mmm, stupidity
now, let’s listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo’s empty head
“should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it’s not windy? what if it’s not sunny?”
folks, let’s review: what does the stupid do?
you really have to admire MAGA’s commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn’t understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.
how is it not a cult?
all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?
they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.
here’s how Donny ‘thanked’ them for their six- to seven-figure ‘investment’ into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny’s Virginia golf motel.
“It was the worst food I’ve ever had at a Trump golf course,” Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump’s coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a “Walmart steak.” Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.
so sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.
here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.
NEW: Two attendees of Trump’s crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.’s goal to become the global leader in crypto. “He just gave a few remarks and left,” one said.
so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I’m conflicted.
get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.
Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I’m really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.
on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.
“I’m a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I’m a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I’m a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children.”
yeah, we get it, dimwit. you’re amazing.
in case you’ve quit Elon’s Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let’s catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter’s AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky’s post.
“Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric.”
because there’s nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.
“the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda.”
Marge, Grok can’t hear you. it’s not real. it’s a bunch of silicon chips.
I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.
stop fucking with us, Marge, and we’ll stop fucking with you.
Fuck This Bullshit!
For the past year or so we’ve had a guy come out once a month to trim the hedges, weed the flower beds, and mow the front and side yards . He usually brings a team of two additional guys and between the three of them they bang it all out in about a half hour. (It would take me that long just to mow the front yard.) He charges a very reasonable $60 for the service, and I tip them 20%.
We usually discontinue service for the winter, since the lawn goes dormant, but once things started warming up in March and everything was growing again, I started the service back up. For the first mow of the season, he had his usual crew with him. The second time I noticed it was just him and I asked what happened to his workers. He said, “They just don’t show up.” This week it was the same. I asked him again what happened. He just shrugged. “It’s ICE, isn’t it? It’s all so stupid!” He nodded and said, “Yes.”
Vomiting It All Up, Midweek Edition
Tuesday Madness
Once more from Mr. Tiedrich:
it’s time to leave Joe Biden the fuck alone
Republicans are being shitweasels again
in the wake of Joe Biden’s heartbreaking announcement that he’s been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, Republicans are reacting as they always do — by being horrible. each and every one of them is cordially invited to fuck all the way off.
let’s start with this vile shitgoblin
I think it’s very sad, actually. I’m surprised that it— wasn’t— y’know, the public wasn’t notified a long time ago. ’cause to get to stage nine, that’s a long time. I just had my physical. you saw that. you saw the results of that particular test. I think that test is standard to uh, pretty much anybody. getting a physical. good physical. we had the doctors at the White House and over at Walter Reed which is a fantastic hospital do it, I did a very complete physical, including cognitive tests, I’m proud do announce I aced it.”
I have a question: how long has Sundowning Grandpa Fuckface had stage nine dementia? because there’s no such thing as ‘stage nine’ cancer.
the stages only go up to four. Donny would know that if he ever bothered to listen to anyone for more than two seconds before losing interest and making it all about himself.
listen to this preening fuckwad drone on for the thousandth time about ‘acing’ his cognitive test. we get it, Donny. you were able to point to a drawing of a camel. good for you. help yourself to a lollypop on your way out of the doctor’s office.
who the fuck is Donny to accuse any other person of lying about their health?
we have never seen one legitimate, detailed medical report on Donny. what we get are bullet-point summaries written by day-drinking quacks who fart out ludicrous claims like Donny will live to be 200 years old.
the press never questions any of this laughable shit.
we’re told that Donny’s ear got blown to pieces by a would-be assassin’s bullet and then magically grew back within days — with no scarring — and reporters just nod their heads and write it all down.
we’re told that Donny is 6 feet and 3 inches tall and weighs 224 pounds.
yeah, right.
would any of the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media like to maybe write a book on how Donny’s brain went fuckity-bye a long, long time ago? now, that would be a page-turner. you could probably do a whole chapter on how Donny got outwitted by a fucking box.
it’s a box. it has a lid that flips up — and Preznit Shitforbrains is completely flummoxed by it. Donny has to hand the thing it off to some flunky who does the job in two literal seconds.
for those of you keeping score at home, it’s —
Donny: 0
fucking box: 1
imagine for one hot second that it was Joe Biden up there, befuddled by cardboard. Fox News would be playing it on an endless loop.
Couchfuck McGee can fuck all the way off.
“whether the right time to have this conversation is now or some time in the future, we really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job.”
this sectional sexpest is gaslighting us at warp factor nine. say what you want about Joe Biden’s health — he fucking crushed it as president. he was more than capable — he practically worked miracles.
Joe inherited an economy that had been ravaged due to Donny’s mismanagement of the covid pandemic — and by the end of his term, we had prosperity and record low unemployment. America’s economic recovery from covid was stronger — and happened faster — than any other country on the planet.
now look at what’s happened since Biden left office. in just four months, Donny and Couchfuck have taken that robust economy and turned America into a third-world hellhole that can’t pay its bills, can’t feed its people, and can no longer predict when a fucking tornado might hit.
A forecasting office in Jackson, Ky., which was directly in the line of Friday night’s tornadoes, is one of four no longer with enough staff to operate at all times.
JD and Donny are trying to hoodwink the public into believing the exact opposite of reality — that they’re the one’s who rescued America from Biden’s incompetence. up is down. black is white.
it’s flagrant horse shit. do you think any of our worthless scribs might want to write a book about that?
Oklahoma Rep Markwayne Mullin can fuck all the way off.
“it’s interesting the timing of them releasing the cancer, right? It seems like since the Hur tapes were released, they’re like, ‘hey wait, it might be a good time to distract the American people and talk about his cancer.’”
we’re being gaslighted again.
Markwayne Mullin wants us to believe that Joe Biden was sitting on his cancer diagnosis — and not doing anything about it — so he could use it as a political distraction if the need ever arose. that makes no fucking sense.
Robert Hur, in case you don’t recall, is the Republican stooge who was apppointed by that ineffectual cum-sock Merrick Garland to investigate the classified docs Biden found in his garage. Hur cleared Biden of any culpability in that incident — but on his way out the door, he turned in a hit-piece of a report that painted Biden as “an elderly man with a poor memory” who couldn’t remember when his son Beau died.
Hur made the whole thing up. yesterday morning, just before the hearing started, the Washington Post published the transcript of Hur’s five-hour-long interview with Biden — and oh, look: here’s Biden’s actual answer to the question:
“What month did Beau die? Oh God, May 30.”
here’s a thing Robert Hur actually said to Joe Biden during his interview: “you appear to have a photographic understanding and recall.”
no, Biden isn’t using his cancer diagnosis as a distraction from the Hur tapes. Donny is using the Hur tapes as a distraction from him fucking America’s economy straight into the ground.
now, here’s some shitbucket who thinks Jill Biden should go to jail. he can fuck all the way off.
Leo Terrell isn’t just some neo-Nazi adjacent rando on the internet. he’s Senior Counsel to the Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division of the Department of What Used To Be Known As Justice.
oh great, another Sewer Clown flunky who casually suggests that his political opponents should be thrown in jail. what could go wrong?
know who has been the one decent Republican through all of this? Meghan McCain.
fuck every other Republican for making me agree with Meghan McCain.
Joe Biden is going through some serious shit right now. let’s leave him alone and focus on what’s right in front of us: a bunch of democracy-hating authoritarians led by an insane megalomaniac are destroying our government right before our very eyes, so they can replace it with the Forever Rule of Mad King Donny.
‘should Joe Biden have withdrawn from the race sooner’ and ‘should Joe Biden have managed his health better’ are topics worth exploring some day — but today is not that day. we don’t have the luxury of having those conversations right now — not when there’s so much fuckery afoot.
the conversation we need to be having right now is how do we fight fascism?
let’s fucking go.
and let’s give the final word to the Onion, because this headline perfectly encapsulates all the insanity going on right now.
Vomiting It All Up, Monday Edition
