And Twitter is on board and encouraging…
*checks tweet*
pedophiles
Monday Madness
let’s be clear: Preznit Fuckwit needed a distraction. his tariff scheme went tits-up. everyone’s laughing at Taco Donny. Putin’s ignoring him. no one’s impressed with his vulgar flying bordello. his ‘big beautiful bill’ is a big beautiful clusterfuck. DOGE is a bust. his bromance with the Space Nazi has gone fuckity-bye.
the Mad King had to come up with something, anything, to make him feel better about his own worthless, failing self — and so he decided to go full fascist.
a lot of fucked-up shit went down this weekend in Los Angeles. let’s let California Governor Gavin Newsom sum up perfectly why the blame for all of it needs to land squarely on the Mad King’s shoulders.
“Let’s get this straight:
1) Local law enforcement didn’t need help.
2) Trump sent troops anyway — to manufacture chaos and violence.
3) Trump succeeded.
4) Now things are destabilized and we need to send in more law enforcement just to clean up Trump’s mess.”
let’s back this up one step further: none of this had to happen at all.
Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.
On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.
got that? ICE went on a fishing expedition based on zero evidence. they invaded places of business. they targeted random brown people at locations where they were likely to be found. which, in Los Angeles, is everyfuckingwhere.
ICE went looking for trouble — and when they didn’t find any, they started some.
none of this was necessary.
it’s really weird how Joe Biden managed to deport undocumented migrants — in greater numbers than Donny — without shitting on the Constitution, without stomping all over human rights — and without disappearing cancer-stricken children who happen to be American citizens.
you know who else took care of immigration policy without fucking everything all to hell? Barack Obama. Bill Clinton. both Smirky Bush and Poppy Bush. Ronald Reagan. Jimmy Carter. Gerald Ford. on and on.
it’s only the Mad King who turned the simple task of managing the border into a five-alarm shithole nightmare. I guess that’s just a coincidence.
or maybe it’s that Donny is a racist chaos-junkie who gets off on violence. his lust for blood was so off the charts that he took a victory lap even before the National Guard arrived on the scene.
“Great job by the National Guard in Los Angeles after two days of violence, clashes and unrest … Again, thank you to the National Guard for a job well done!”
it cannot be stressed enough that Donny posted this about six hours before a single National Guard deployed in Los Angeles.
Donny needs you to believe that all of Los Angeles is a hellish, smoking ruin right now.
“A once great American City, Los Angeles, has been invaded and occupied by Illegal Aliens and Criminals. Now violent, insurrectionist mobs are swarming and attacking our Federal Agents to try and stop our deportation operations.”
none of that shit is true. Los Angeles hasn’t been ‘invaded’ or ‘occupied.’ violent mobs aren’t ‘swarming.’
do you know how many undocumented migrants were arrested by ICE after their Friday sweep of the city?
They arrested 121 people.
one hundred and twenty one people. in a city of 3.821 million. that’s not an invasion, nor an occupation. that’s a rounding error away from zero.
this isn’t the first time Donny’s pulled this “everything’s burning to the ground and only I can save it” bullshit. during the George Floyd protests in 2020, Donny never stopped beating the drum about how Portland, Oregon was a smoking ruin.
fact check: fuck straight off.
Portland’s fire department has a message for President Donald Trump: the whole city is not on fire.
At a Monday news conference, Trump claimed that protests in Portland have been so damaging that “the entire city is ablaze all the time.”
the Portland protests were confined to a small, downtown area — but Donny did such a good job of lying that to this day, there are cultists who will swear to you that the entire city of Portland remains a smoking pile of ashes.
and now the Mad King is doing it all over again with Los Angeles.
did you notice that Donny referred to the protestors as ‘insurrectionists’? that’s because words no longer have meanings in America.
here’s Nosferatu McGoebbels, joining the party and cranking the Orwell dial so far past eleven that it snaps off in his vampyric hand.
“An insurrection against the laws and sovereignty of the United States.”
and when there was only one set of footprints, that’s when Jesus was standing behind Pee Wee German, rolling his eyes and miming jerkoff motions.
yeah, no, jackass: protesting human rights violations is in no way an insurrection. do you really need a definition of an insurrection? here’s one: an insurrection is when you’re such a big fucking baby that you can’t deal with losing an election, and so you whip your deranged worshipers into a frenzy, and then send them off to storm the Capitol, beat the shit out of cops, and stop the certification of votes.
and while we’re on the subject of beating the shit out of cops —
“Hit a cop, you’re going to jail… doesn’t matter where you came from, how you got here, or what movement speaks to you. If the local police force won’t back our men and women on the thin blue line, we will.”
hey Krazee Eyes, what about these guys?
every single one of these cop-beating shitbags got pardoned by Dear Leader on his first day in office.
but wait — we’re not done with our Grand Tour of Sewer Clown Hypocrisy. I’m so old, I remember when a President deploying the National Guard was bad.
“if Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”
that was ICE Barbie all the way back in 2024, when she was merely the puppy-perforating governor of South Dakota.
back then, Joe Biden was trying to prevent Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, from using razor-wire booby traps to slice the shit out of border-crossing migrants.
hyperventilating Republicans had a message for Joe: deploying the National Guard would be a bridge too far, because states rights!
but now, when Dear Leader wants the Guard to patrol California, suddenly states’ rights are no longer an issue, because — well, frankly, I’m having a hard time deciding if it’s because reasons or because fuck you, that’s why. maybe it’s both.
meanwhile, Donny remains glued to the TV and rooting for bloodshed — in his own country. what kind of broken-inside fuck does that?
arrest the people wearing face masks? who, the ICE goons?
you know, I seem to remember someone warning us that all this would come to pass, if Donny were elected. I also remember that the media was all shut the fuck up, laughing lady.
“Kamala’s newest lie: Trump will send the army after you.”
uh-huh. tell me, is it a lie if something comes true?
the press is continuing to be no help at all.
got that? the Mad King isn’t using the laws of our land for toilet paper — he’s ‘charting new territory.’ thanks for clearing that up, LA Times.
Donny spent his entire first presidency chipping away at the Constitution. now he’s traded his chisel for a blowtorch — and the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press are still treating Donny’s ever-quickening rush to fascism as if it were just some interesting variation on governance.
what are we even doing here, worthless scribblers?
stay angry.
stay safe.
and never lose your sense of humor.
Trump nearly falls flat on his face while struggling to walk up the steps to Air Force One today
— MeidasTouch (@meidastouch.com) June 8, 2025 at 1:49 PM
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
FUCK TRUMP
Vomiting It All Up, Sunday Edition
And lastly…
You Know What To Do
Monday Madness
that’s a doozie of a headline, isn’t it? I promise, we’re going to get to it. but first, we need to talk about Mad King Donny’s Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard.
you see, Tulsi has a wee bit of a problem. it seems her boss is a cognitively-impaired old fuckwit whose brain left the station ages ago.
I know, right? that’s the entire world’s problem, not just Tulsi’s — but here’s how working for an erratic imbecile with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel is affecting Tulsi’s ability to do her job: she can’t get Donny to even look at his daily intel briefing. so she’s been trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.
President Donald Trump’s intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information.
how surreal is it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — has become the voice of sanity regarding national security? folks, that’s how far down the fucking rabbit hole we’ve fallen.
obviously, ‘making it more aligned with how he likes to consume information’is not a new problem. all during the Mad King’s first reign, his staffers had to pretty much trick him into reading his daily brief. they dumbed that shit down until it was just bullet points and pictures, and they’d be all look, Donny! it’s a photo of you with words underneath. can you read what those words say about you?
imagine having to treat a person in command of a nuclear arsenal as if he were a colicky baby. now imagine reelecting him. what the fuck, America?
here’s the perplexing pickle Tulsi finds herself in during the second reign of the Mad King: Donny’s brain has puddingfied to the point where even simple bullet points and photos are too complicated for the deteriorating old coot to deal with.
on top of that, Donny seems unclear on the concept of a daily brief. most days, he just waves it away. Tulsi walks into the room and he’s all get that thing away from me, for fuck’s sake, I’m watching myself on TV.
Since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week.
now, because Tulsi is a sewer clown, she’s come up with the most sewerclowntastic solution to her problem:
One idea that’s been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that’s made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast.
I don’t know about you, but I’m loving this idea! the whole government is already an extension of Fox News. right now there are no fewer than twenty-three former Fox bobbleheads working for Donny.
our Secretary of Defense is a chat-show host who doubled as the buffoon they’d send out to Times Square to get piss-drunk on New Year’s Eve.
a tipsy fake TV judge is now the Attorney for DC.
so let’s go all-in. let’s turn the entire government into one big Fox studio. over at the Pentagon, Pete Kegstand already has his own makeup studio — so we’re almost there, right?
but wait — how about if Tulsi just put TV over her head and pretended to be Fox News?
think of all the money that would be saved. now that’s efficiency in government!
perhaps Tulsi should be putting Donny’s intel briefing into his Truth Social feed — but maybe it’s too late even for that. Mad King Donny is apparently already getting his daily briefings from QAnon.
(hey, I told you we’d be getting to the headline.)
look at this fever-swamp lunacy that Donny posted over the weekend.
There is no #JoeBiden – executed in 2020.
#Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see.
#Democrats dont know the difference.
nothing to see here, right? just the president of the United States endorsing a QAnon trope that Joe Biden got snuffed years ago — and the dude we saw in the Oval Office was a robot the whole time. perfectly normal stuff.
let’s consider the double triple quadruple-think at work here.
according to Donny — and, by extention, MAGA — Joe Biden is the mastermind of an entire crime family that regularly shakes down world leaders to the tune of millions of dollars. and the whole time he’s been doing this, he’s been a drooling demented mess who no longer has any clue which end is up. ok, that makes perfect sense, right?
now, let’s slather on top of that the fact that real Joe Biden was executed (by who?) years ago and was replaced by a robot. which means that someone purposely constructed a malfunctioning crime-robot with dementia.
and, on top of all of that, now the robot has cancer — which is just fine with Donny. he doesn’t feel sorry for the malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia, because it’s a vicious malfunctioning crime-robot who does vicious things.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
to recap, Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia who does vicious things.
ohhhhhkay, President Pudding Cup. let’s get you to bed.
here’s another perfectly normal thing our perfectly normal president did this weekend: he threw a shitfit because no one told him about his new nickname.
Donny is fucking pissed that he had to find out from a reporter that Wall Street is mocking him.
but look at it from the standpoint of a White House staffer: do you want to be the one to tell an erratic rage-monkey that TACO stands for Trump Always Chickens Out? of course you don’t. so you’re fucked if you do and you’re fucked if you don’t. keep Donny in the loop, or hide the bad news from Donny — either way, you’re going to end up with a ketchup bottle chucked at your head.
at this point, why would anyone want to work for Mad King Donny? it’s a loser’s game. the only winning move is not to play.
buckle in, it’s only Monday. this is going to be a long week.
All Boxes Checked
Key characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath:
Narcissistic traits:
Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
Need for admiration: Constantly seeking attention and praise.
Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others.
Sociopathic traits:
Disregard for rules and laws: They may be indifferent to the consequences of their actions.
Manipulative behavior: They may lie, cheat, and exploit others for their own gain.
Lack of remorse: They may not feel guilt or regret for hurting others.
The Week In Stupid
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: sticker shock
folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.
here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.
oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?
no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.
oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.
of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.
so there was no damage?
well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?
sorry. tell me what happened next.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —
— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.
wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.
yeah, that’s pretty much it.
I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.
tuesday: what rhymes with crapper
Jake Tapper’s relentless promotion of his Biden hit-job continues. look at the self-satisfied glee with which he delivers the line he no doubt practiced in the mirror for hours.
“it is a scandal. it is without question — and maybe even worse than Watergate in some ways, because Richard Nixon was in control of his faculties when he wasn’t drinking.”
first of all: fuck off, Jake.
second of all: fuck all the way off, Jake.
no, the alleged cover-up of an allegedly impaired president is notworse than Richard Nixon sending a band of thugs to break into Democratic National Headquarters to steal everything that wasn’t nailed down. how fucking dare you smirk while these imbecilic words leak out of your face-hole.
hey, let’s fast forward to the end of the week, because we could all use a little schadenfreude right now. oh look — Tapper’s book is an embarrassing failure.
Biden’s book, “Original Sin,” with Alex Thompson has had more publicity than any book of recent memory thanks to CNN’s collaboration. But now come the disappointing sales. 53,737 print units sold, per Circana BookScan for the first week.
By comparison: Bob Woodward’s book “Fear: Trump in the White House” sold 1.1 million copies in its first week.
ohhh. too bad, so sad, Jake. sucks to be you. here, have some tiny violin.
for the rest of us, it’s Snoopy dance!
wednesday: dare to be an idiot
hey, remember last year, when Vivek Ramaswamy was a thing for about fifteen minutes, and then everyone was all yeah, fuck no and quickly forgot all about him?
well, Vivek’s back, baby — and he’s got the solution to our national debt. check out this brilliant idea: the whole fucking thing would disappear in a heartbeat if everybody would just choose to be a billionaire!
“we’re going to have to have the courage to take on independence from the federal entitlement state. that’s what we actually need to be talking about, and I personally believe that everything else ends up being a distraction of dealing with this national debt issue. as the question of how are we going to start with a generation of Americans who hopefully become so wealthythat they don’t need the federal entitlement state.”
everyone should just become a billionaire! it’s that fucking easy.it’s a solution so obvious, I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before now. just choose to be rich! and you don’t even have to think up a new way to do it. just do what Vivek did, and enrich yourself through fraud and stock manipulation.
look, I have a simpler solution: why don’t we just grind up half the poors and feed them to the other poors?
if it was good enough for Jonathan Swift, then it’s good enough for America.
thursday: we’re all going to whaaaaat?
Iowa Senator and pig-castration aficionado Joni Ernst held a town hall this week — and like so many Republicans, she encountered a buzzsaw of angry voters demanding to know why social programs were being gutted so that gazillionaires could get another round of tax cuts.
unlike others in the GOP, however, Joni maintained her cool. after she told a bunch of lies about how the real problem is “illegals” receiving Medicaid benefits (fact check: they don’t, because they can’t), the crowd started shouting “PEOPLE WILL DIE.”
no biggie, countered Joni, because—
“well, we all are going to die.”
wait, what? why am I just hearing about this now?
my my, aren’t we fucking philosophical, Joni.
of course, some of us will die in bed, surrounded by our loved ones, and some of us will die face down in the gutter because we can’t afford medical care — but does any of that really matter? because in the end, we’re all just expired meat, right?
it’s a wise old saying: elect a bunch of psychopath clowns, get a psychopath circus.
do you think that’s what Joni said to those hogs, as she was lopping off their balls? ‘don’t worry about this, we’re all going to die.’
friday: ugh, this fucking guy
why the hell would any of our worthless scribblers bother asking the doughy pantload in the Oval Office to comment on Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis? yet, that’s exactly what someone did — and Little Donny Fuckface did not disappoint.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
oh. my. fucking. god. stay classy, you malodorous piece of shit.
at the risk of repeating myself for the umpteenth time, the first reporter to stand up and ask “what the fuck is wrong with you” should get a lifetime Pulitzer.
imagine that any Democrat said they didn’t feel sorry for a cancer-stricken Republican. it would be the immediate end to their political career — but for Donny, it’s just another Friday. not a single mention in The New York Times. ditto the Washington Post.
hey, Jake Tapper, any interest in writing a book on the hideous pile of dung currently befouling the White House?
awesome job, Jake.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
SO. MUCH. PROJECTION.
Post Memorial Day Madness
yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON’T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Donny’s such a funster, isn’t he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.
where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don’t act like this. they don’t wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don’t lie awake a night, plotting revenge.
as always with the shit Donny pulls, it’s just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.
with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.
it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.
check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.
Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny’s Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.
then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!
let’s listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.
“…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we’re gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I’m glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn’t be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that.”
oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he’s on a mission from God
what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America’s big birthday. delusions of grandeur don’t get any more grandly delusional than that.
why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?
does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going ‘fuck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.’
how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we’ve all been there, bro.
do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?
“hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I’m going to tell everyone I was sent by God.”
“oh that’s great, sir. now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch.”
now let’s all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one
“… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …”
I love how Donny’s left hand flails helplessly as a word he’s never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he’s looking at, and his hand gives it away. that’s why you’re supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.
so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.
if you were watching Donny’s speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.
thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.
it’s all part of His plan, right?
here’s your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.
this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.
but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America.”
“power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there’s nothing new in this.”
in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it’s refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.
did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.
boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.
Vomiting It All Up
Saturday Madness
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: what exactly are we grasping at here
guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.
Fox News fuckface: “Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all.”
Rep. Tim Burchett: “I don’t drink out of a straw, brother. that’s what the women in my house do.”
honchos, take it from Tim: don’t be a girlywuss. don’t daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that’s what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.
seriously, Timmy? is this you?
Tim, is this Jesse Watters?
look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called ‘real men’ don’t worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?
tuesday: mmm, conspiracies
no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict’s presidency?
Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it’s a deep state plot.
“what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they’re satanists — this isn’t what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it’s just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that’s what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like ‘oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,’ it’s like no, actually that’s part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance.”
Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?
busted!
wednesday: mmm, stupidity
now, let’s listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo’s empty head
“should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it’s not windy? what if it’s not sunny?”
folks, let’s review: what does the stupid do?
you really have to admire MAGA’s commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn’t understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.
how is it not a cult?
all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?
they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.
here’s how Donny ‘thanked’ them for their six- to seven-figure ‘investment’ into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny’s Virginia golf motel.
“It was the worst food I’ve ever had at a Trump golf course,” Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump’s coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a “Walmart steak.” Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.
so sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.
here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.
NEW: Two attendees of Trump’s crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.’s goal to become the global leader in crypto. “He just gave a few remarks and left,” one said.
so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I’m conflicted.
get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.
Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I’m really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.
on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.
“I’m a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I’m a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I’m a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children.”
yeah, we get it, dimwit. you’re amazing.
in case you’ve quit Elon’s Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let’s catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter’s AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky’s post.
“Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric.”
because there’s nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.
“the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda.”
Marge, Grok can’t hear you. it’s not real. it’s a bunch of silicon chips.
I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.
stop fucking with us, Marge, and we’ll stop fucking with you.
Fuck This Bullshit!
For the past year or so we’ve had a guy come out once a month to trim the hedges, weed the flower beds, and mow the front and side yards . He usually brings a team of two additional guys and between the three of them they bang it all out in about a half hour. (It would take me that long just to mow the front yard.) He charges a very reasonable $60 for the service, and I tip them 20%.
We usually discontinue service for the winter, since the lawn goes dormant, but once things started warming up in March and everything was growing again, I started the service back up. For the first mow of the season, he had his usual crew with him. The second time I noticed it was just him and I asked what happened to his workers. He said, “They just don’t show up.” This week it was the same. I asked him again what happened. He just shrugged. “It’s ICE, isn’t it? It’s all so stupid!” He nodded and said, “Yes.”
Vomiting It All Up, Midweek Edition
Tuesday Madness
Once more from Mr. Tiedrich:
it’s time to leave Joe Biden the fuck alone
Republicans are being shitweasels again
in the wake of Joe Biden’s heartbreaking announcement that he’s been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, Republicans are reacting as they always do — by being horrible. each and every one of them is cordially invited to fuck all the way off.
let’s start with this vile shitgoblin
I think it’s very sad, actually. I’m surprised that it— wasn’t— y’know, the public wasn’t notified a long time ago. ’cause to get to stage nine, that’s a long time. I just had my physical. you saw that. you saw the results of that particular test. I think that test is standard to uh, pretty much anybody. getting a physical. good physical. we had the doctors at the White House and over at Walter Reed which is a fantastic hospital do it, I did a very complete physical, including cognitive tests, I’m proud do announce I aced it.”
I have a question: how long has Sundowning Grandpa Fuckface had stage nine dementia? because there’s no such thing as ‘stage nine’ cancer.
the stages only go up to four. Donny would know that if he ever bothered to listen to anyone for more than two seconds before losing interest and making it all about himself.
listen to this preening fuckwad drone on for the thousandth time about ‘acing’ his cognitive test. we get it, Donny. you were able to point to a drawing of a camel. good for you. help yourself to a lollypop on your way out of the doctor’s office.
who the fuck is Donny to accuse any other person of lying about their health?
we have never seen one legitimate, detailed medical report on Donny. what we get are bullet-point summaries written by day-drinking quacks who fart out ludicrous claims like Donny will live to be 200 years old.
the press never questions any of this laughable shit.
we’re told that Donny’s ear got blown to pieces by a would-be assassin’s bullet and then magically grew back within days — with no scarring — and reporters just nod their heads and write it all down.
we’re told that Donny is 6 feet and 3 inches tall and weighs 224 pounds.
yeah, right.
would any of the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media like to maybe write a book on how Donny’s brain went fuckity-bye a long, long time ago? now, that would be a page-turner. you could probably do a whole chapter on how Donny got outwitted by a fucking box.
it’s a box. it has a lid that flips up — and Preznit Shitforbrains is completely flummoxed by it. Donny has to hand the thing it off to some flunky who does the job in two literal seconds.
for those of you keeping score at home, it’s —
Donny: 0
fucking box: 1
imagine for one hot second that it was Joe Biden up there, befuddled by cardboard. Fox News would be playing it on an endless loop.
Couchfuck McGee can fuck all the way off.
“whether the right time to have this conversation is now or some time in the future, we really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job.”
this sectional sexpest is gaslighting us at warp factor nine. say what you want about Joe Biden’s health — he fucking crushed it as president. he was more than capable — he practically worked miracles.
Joe inherited an economy that had been ravaged due to Donny’s mismanagement of the covid pandemic — and by the end of his term, we had prosperity and record low unemployment. America’s economic recovery from covid was stronger — and happened faster — than any other country on the planet.
now look at what’s happened since Biden left office. in just four months, Donny and Couchfuck have taken that robust economy and turned America into a third-world hellhole that can’t pay its bills, can’t feed its people, and can no longer predict when a fucking tornado might hit.
A forecasting office in Jackson, Ky., which was directly in the line of Friday night’s tornadoes, is one of four no longer with enough staff to operate at all times.
JD and Donny are trying to hoodwink the public into believing the exact opposite of reality — that they’re the one’s who rescued America from Biden’s incompetence. up is down. black is white.
it’s flagrant horse shit. do you think any of our worthless scribs might want to write a book about that?
Oklahoma Rep Markwayne Mullin can fuck all the way off.
“it’s interesting the timing of them releasing the cancer, right? It seems like since the Hur tapes were released, they’re like, ‘hey wait, it might be a good time to distract the American people and talk about his cancer.’”
we’re being gaslighted again.
Markwayne Mullin wants us to believe that Joe Biden was sitting on his cancer diagnosis — and not doing anything about it — so he could use it as a political distraction if the need ever arose. that makes no fucking sense.
Robert Hur, in case you don’t recall, is the Republican stooge who was apppointed by that ineffectual cum-sock Merrick Garland to investigate the classified docs Biden found in his garage. Hur cleared Biden of any culpability in that incident — but on his way out the door, he turned in a hit-piece of a report that painted Biden as “an elderly man with a poor memory” who couldn’t remember when his son Beau died.
Hur made the whole thing up. yesterday morning, just before the hearing started, the Washington Post published the transcript of Hur’s five-hour-long interview with Biden — and oh, look: here’s Biden’s actual answer to the question:
“What month did Beau die? Oh God, May 30.”
here’s a thing Robert Hur actually said to Joe Biden during his interview: “you appear to have a photographic understanding and recall.”
no, Biden isn’t using his cancer diagnosis as a distraction from the Hur tapes. Donny is using the Hur tapes as a distraction from him fucking America’s economy straight into the ground.
now, here’s some shitbucket who thinks Jill Biden should go to jail. he can fuck all the way off.
Leo Terrell isn’t just some neo-Nazi adjacent rando on the internet. he’s Senior Counsel to the Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division of the Department of What Used To Be Known As Justice.
oh great, another Sewer Clown flunky who casually suggests that his political opponents should be thrown in jail. what could go wrong?
know who has been the one decent Republican through all of this? Meghan McCain.
fuck every other Republican for making me agree with Meghan McCain.
Joe Biden is going through some serious shit right now. let’s leave him alone and focus on what’s right in front of us: a bunch of democracy-hating authoritarians led by an insane megalomaniac are destroying our government right before our very eyes, so they can replace it with the Forever Rule of Mad King Donny.
‘should Joe Biden have withdrawn from the race sooner’ and ‘should Joe Biden have managed his health better’ are topics worth exploring some day — but today is not that day. we don’t have the luxury of having those conversations right now — not when there’s so much fuckery afoot.
the conversation we need to be having right now is how do we fight fascism?
let’s fucking go.
and let’s give the final word to the Onion, because this headline perfectly encapsulates all the insanity going on right now.
Vomiting It All Up, Monday Edition
SO MUCH WINNING
Just kidding. Trump is flushing the economy to give Billionaires more tax breaks.
Well done MAGA. He’s fucking you in the ass and you’re saying, “Please Sir, may I have some more?”
Holy Shit, do you all have learning disabilities? He’s a fucking stupid idiot, a massive failure, a fraud, and a goddamned felon. He does not give a single fuck about you. He never has never will.
Will Humanity Never Learn?
How many times do we have to go through this bullshit?
Thursday Madness
From Jeff Tiedrich:
Donny Convict isn’t a corrupt piece of shit, and other Republican fairy tales
and The New York Times gives Dear Leader another free pass
n today’s episode of Bad Take Theater, we’re going to hear two from worthless Republicans and one dipshit New York Times reporter as they concoct fever-swamp fantasies about why Donny Convict’s blatant, in-your-face corruption isn’t actually corruption.
Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is the holder of the land speed record for Getting The Fuck Out of Here While Insurrectionists Are Insurrecting.
he’s also one of Donny’s chief apologists on Capitol Hill. his farcical explanation for why Dear Leader isn’t corrupt boils down to ‘what’s Donny need money for? he’s already got shitloads.’
Manu Raju: “what about this meme coin? when the price goes up, it helps his family.”
Josh Hawley: “well, listen. I think nobody believes that Donald Trump can be bought. I mean, what does Donald Trump need more money for.”
methinks Josh Hawley is trying to blow smoke up everyone’s ass.
let me put this in words simple enough to penetrate even the cultists’ thick skulls: Donny needs more money so he can win at having the most fucking money. it’s called greed. having ALL the money is the point.
for Donny Convict, no amount of anything is ever enough. that’s what being a profoundly damaged, bottomless swamp of need is all about.
there will never be sufficient money, power, or attention to fill the gaping hole where Donny’s soul is supposed to be. he’s fucking broken beyond repair — and now, the entire world must be made to suffer because of it.
let’s explore Josh’s ludicrous claim that ‘nobody believes Donny can be bought.’
here, watch this: everybody who knows Donny Convict can be bought, please raise your hand.
oh look, there’s the Emir of Qatar. he’s got his their hand up. he know Donny can be bought. it’s the whole reason he just handed him a vulgar flying bordello — and now Donny’s going down his list of demands, and checking them off one by one.
over there is the Saudi royal family. hands up, all of them. they’ve been lining Donny’s pockets for decades. they’ve been at the game so long that they already know Donny’s price: a bag of greaseburgers.
look who else has his hand up: Ahmed al-Sharaa, the president of Syria. all he had to do get Donny to drop sanctions was dangle the mere possibility of a Trump Tower in Damascus.
and that’s just in the last three days. so what the fuck are you gibbering about, Josh?
let’s move on to the guy who has been voted Most Useless Republican for three years running.
Holy Mike Johnson’s bad take is that corruption isn’t corruption if it’s done right out in the open.
reporter: “Mr. Speaker, you were very critical of President Biden and his family’s foreign business dealings and supported impeachment hearings. are you equally concerned about President Trump’s family’s business dealings as well, especially due to the fact that he’s in a region now where his family has billions of dollars of investments in Doha, and Saudi Arabia, and the fact that he has a crypto business now, where he’s auctioned off access to the White House for the highest bidder?”
Holy Mike [after first lying about Biden and his family]: “whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. they’re not trying to conceal anything.”
fuck Holy Mike for expecting us to swallow his shit-sandwich.
here’s where Mike’s ridiculous assertion falls apart: for Donny, being openly corrupt is part of the game — because fuck you, that’s why. getting right in your face and daring you to do something about it is what makes corruption fun.
Donny knows that he doesn’t have to hide anything he does — because who’s going to hold him accountable? Congress? fuhgetaboutit. the Department of Justice? oh please. Krazee Eyes Ka$h Patel and Pam Bondi were installed to facilitate Donny’s crimes, not prosecute them. the Supreme Court? don’t make me laugh. they’re the shitwads who put the whole concept of I’m A Very Special Boy into Donny’s head in the first place.
who knows, maybe Chuck Schumer’s writing a strongly-worded letter. yeah, that’ll do it.
here’s something we have absolutely no fucking use for at all: a New York Times reporter explaining that corruption isn’t corruption according to a definition of corruption that he just pulled out of his ass.
“Corruption requires explicit quid pro quo. It is not corrupt to take an action that aligns with the interest of a person who gives you a gift, unless the official action was in direct response to that gift–a bribe. Terms matter. Accuracy and fairness matters. Regardless of what social media wants.”
got that? it’s not corruption unless Ahmed al-Sharaa writes a note that says ‘if I let you build a tower will you be my friend’ and passes it to the world leader at the next desk.
here’s why that definition fails:
Donny is a mob boss, and you’re never going to catch him in the act, because he doesn’t leave a paper trail.
that’s how it works. all the dirty work is done with a nod and a wink. here’s how Donny’s former fixer, Michael Cohen, explained it during House testimony in 2019:
“He doesn’t give you questions, he doesn’t give you orders,” Cohen said. “He speaks in a code, and I understand the code because I’ve been around him for a decade.”
Donny’s a two-bit gangster who learned his trade from two experts: his tyrant klansman father, and crooked lawyer Roy Cohn. here’s what they taught him:
don’t you ever fucking write anything down. that’s how you get caught.
and so Donny doesn’t write anything down. he doesn’t use email, he doesn’t text. he doesn’t leave a trail for smug NY Times reporters to uncover. all he does is brag about imaginary wins on his janky app.
that’s why we’re in this shithole mess: we have far too many worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media willing to give a filthy, corrupt mobster a benefit of the doubt that he has never earned.
here’s your hero of the day: Rep. Bennie Thompson. here’s how he opened his questioning of ICE Barbie yesterday.
“Secretary Noem, I’m glad you found time among your many photo ops and costume changes to testify about why President Trump is seeking more taxpayer dollars and what you plan to do with that money, if you get it.”
fuck yeah.
Donny’s Sewer Clowns are unserious, unqualified people who have been given way too much power over our lives, and we must never stop mocking them, any way we can.
Wednesday Madness
From Jeff Tiedrich:
Bone Saw Arabia buys big boy preznit his own happy meal
scenes from Donny’s Middle East Griftapalooza
it’s just so fucking embarrassing to watch Mad King Donny represent America on the world stage. he’s monumentally stupid. he’s crass and uncouth, and his rancid anus-mouth has no filter — at any moment, he’s liable to blurt out random, inappropriate gibberish.
but above all, he’s utterly unaware of just how easily manipulated he is. flatter him, hand him a few shiny baubles, and this bottomless pit of neediness becomes putty in your hands — and all We the People can do is cringe as we watch this buffoon being led around by his nose.
Donny was in Saudi Arabia yesterday — and look what the Saudis did for our Big Boy President.
that’s right, Bone Saw Arabia built a custom-made rolling McDonalds for Donny — because god forbid this overgrown toddler endure an entire day without jamming a greasy wad of fat down his engorged gullet.
As the Saudis work to impress Trump during his trip to Riyadh this week, they’re focusing on even the smallest details—like his fondness for the Golden Arches—by setting up a custom-built mobile McDonald’s truck designed to support the presidential visit and the throng of journalists in tow.
how mortifying is it that our president can be bought off for a few burgers?
last time Donny visited Bone Saw Arabia, in 2017, they got him involved in some weird-ass sword dance.
and they let him put his freakishly-undersized fists on a glowing orb.
but this time? here’s your happy meal, fuckface. now give us what we want.
oh look, President Pudding Cup continues to prove he isn’t up to the rigors of his job.
check out this sleepy baby. he’s so plumb tuckered from his journey that he can barely keep his beady little eyes open.
wake up, Donny — Crown Prince Mohammad Bone Saw is talking.
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
this dilapidated fuckwit has now slept through cabinet meetings, campaign appearances, Pope Francis’ funeral, his own inauguration — and his own criminal trial.
can someone please get Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants a sippy-cup of warm milk, and tuck him into bed?
The 42-year-old Syrian leader has reportedly offered Mr Trump investment opportunities, including a Trump tower in Damascus.
now here’s a thing that happened on Tuesday. tell me if you think they might be related.
BREAKING: Trump announced lifting of sanctions on Syria
what’s America getting out of this arrangement? nothing, that’s what. Donny’s touring the Middle East so he can make personal deals to enrich himself, and the American public can go pound sand up their ass.
Donny’s in Qatar today, and we all know how they bought him off — with that vulgar airborne bordello.
listen to Donny explain why he needs this plane. it’s pure penis envy.Air Force One is just so tiny and flaccid compared to all the other big, manly planes.
“the plane that you’re in right now is almost forty years old. and when you land and you see Saudi Arabia and you see UAE and you see Qatar and you see— and they have these brand-new Boeing 747s, mostly. and you see ours next to it. this is like a totally different plane. it’s much smaller, much less impressive, as impressive as it is. and, you know, we’re the United States of America. I believe that we should have the most impressive plane … now some people say oh, you shouldn’t accepts gifts. my attitude is why shouldn’t I accept a gift?”
you shouldn’t accept a gift because it’s fucking wrong, you ignorant asshole. it’s specifically forbidden by the Constitution that you imagine somehow doesn’t apply to you.
but look at what’s eating away at Donny: all these Middle Eastern counties ruled over by despotic kings and princes have bigger planes than we do. oh, boo fucking hoo. cry me a river.
this delusional dipshit just doesn’t get it. he’s not royalty — no matter how hard he pretends. he’s a low-rent slumlord from Queens, New York who failed upwards forever until he finally stumbled ass-backwards into the Oval Office.
somehow he imagines that this entitles him to the world’s biggest airplane.
I guarantee that no other democratically-elected leader thinks twice about what they fly around in. it’s just not important. Emmanuel Macron doesn’t give a shit if his plane isn’t the biggest. neither does Mark Carney. neither does the Pope Fucking Leo, for that matter.
but Donny’s so broken-inside that he throws a shit-fit if he doesn’t get the most ice cream. I wish I were making this up.
It has emerged that the President has two scoops of ice cream with his chocolate cream pie while everyone else at the table has just one.
keep in mind that — once again — the American people are getting nothing out of this. Donny gets to keep the plane, and take it home with him after he leaves office — and that’s after hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars are spent making it secure enough to be used as Air Force One.
Converting a luxury jet gifted by Qatar to President Donald Trump into a replacement for Air Force One could potentially cost hundreds of millions of dollars, and it could take up two years to install the necessary security equipment, communications and defensive capabilities for it to be safely used by the commander in chief.
so the American people actually are getting less than nothing out of this “deal.” thanks a fucking lot, Donny.
hey, look who found his voice. look who’s speaking out against Dear Leader accepting four-hundred-million-dollars bribes. it’s the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun — the timid lickspittle whose gonads have been marinating in jar on a Motel-a-Lago shelf since 2016.
even Ted knows that accepting trojan-horse gifts from human-rights-abusing fiefdoms is just plain wrong.
“I’m not a fan of Qatar. I think they have a really disturbing pattern of funding theocratic lunatics who want to murder us, funding Hamas and Hezbollah, and that’s a real problem. I also think the plane poses significant espionage and surveillance problems.”
he’s not wrong.
fuck you, Donny, for making me agree with Ted Fucking Cruz.
Vomiting It All Up, Midweek Edition
Vomiting It All Up, Monday Edition
Von Schitzhispants Isn’t Running The Country
Fuck DOGE
Vomiting It All Up, Tuesday Edition
Sounds Like A Cry For Help To Me
Narcissistic Psychosis
I wouldn’t put it past him…
Vomiting It All Up…And It’s Only Monday ????
Trump: ‘I run the country and the world’
President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he’s leading “the country and the world.”
“The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys,” Trump said in the interview published Monday. “And the second time, I run the country and the world.”
Vomiting It All Up
