Category: Humor

After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel – who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair – and says:

"I can't believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It's full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd."

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

"Ow!"

"Did you know," says Gretel, "that crows are capable of facial recognition?"

"Eh?" Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Not only that," Gretel continues, "but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they'll often follow people they remember as friends."

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel's hands.

"Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!"

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

"For example," Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, "if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they'll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food."

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

"They'll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!" Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

"Oh shitballs." Says the witch, as the crows descend. "I hope you know this is a great unkindness."

"Technically," Says Gretel, "It's a murder."

[source]

He is everywhere
In the heavens and Earth
He makes the stars shine
yet He cannot be seen
He is noble, abundant
and fills the Universe
He can lift you into the sky
and bring you down gently
He can take many forms
He can help heal
He can help kill
He can help create
He can help destroy
Praise be unto He
Helium

What are the 3 words a woman hates to hear during sex?
Honey, I'm home.

When someone says "I seen," I assume they won't finish that sentence with, "the inside of a book".

After I've completed a task that wasn't on my to-do list, I add it, then cross it off for the free dopamine boost.

I would like a version of GPS that could say, "Would you like to make an illegal u-turn here to save 10 minutes of driving?"

Rose are red
Candles are lit
Do no harm
But take no shit

This coffee tastes like mud!
Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

Child to Dad: I learned a joke at school today.
Dad: OK, let's hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Dad:
Child:
Dad:
Child:
Dad: It's a…
Wife running in from other room: SPAGHETTI! IT'S SPAGHETTI!

The dog: One day that mailman is going to murder all of you and I'll be like, ha ha ha, who needs to quit their barking and go lie down now?!

Me: I wonder how many reactions my meme got?
FB: Your account has been banned for 30 days.

I spent my childhood watching "The Sound of Music" and "Cabaret", so I really thought the rise of fascism would have more show tunes.

The gender-neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
(I need to win the lottery to be a glucose guardian.)

Kanye West: I can't believe how quickly I destroyed my career.
Elon Musk: Hold my beer.

Them: You're so quiet.
Me: I wish you were too.

As you get older, you begin to suffer a series of increasingly humiliating micros injuries.
"How did you hurt yourself?"
I slept wrong.
While I was driving, I happened to yawn while checking my blind spot.
I drank water too hard.
I sneezed.

Should you ever find yourself the victim of others people's bitterness, jealousy, lies, and insecurities, don't let it bother you.
Remember…
Things could be worse, you could be them.

Look at Elon managing Twitter.
Now imagine living on Mars and he controls your air.

Someone just said, "John Fetterman looks like if a union was a person."

Day 12 without chocolate.
I've lost hearing in my left eye.

When you've officially run out of excuses.
"I will likely be a little late because of who I am as a person."

(These were funny until I found out Boebert has pulled ahead.
I just checked again and she's up by 1000 votes with 99% reporting. Crap!
"Frisch's team had hoped that thousands of ballots remaining in Pueblo County would break in his favor but as elections officials there reported new ballot counts throughout Thursday, the congresswoman's lead grew instead. Pueblo County Clerk Gilbert Ortiz confirmed to The Denver Post that the results of the remaining ballots won't be published until late next week, likely Thursday.")

Lauren Boebert on Tuesday morning, "The red wave has begun!"
Lauren Boebert on Wednesday morning, "You want fries with that?"

Lauren Boebert's chances of holding onto her seat is falling faster than her husband's pants at a bowling alley full of minors.

Please allow children to believe in Santa.
You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Has anyone explained to Hershal Walker that "run-off" doesn't mean what he did to his kids?

In Athens, no one wakes before noon because Dawn is tough on Greece.

6 Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's pub when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead.
O'Conner says, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
Gallagher says, "I'll do it, I'll be discreet, gentle, & won't make a bad situation any worse.
He goes to Murphy's house and knocks. Mrs. Murphy answers.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

Post on Twitter: Pants were invented for men, not women. It's impossible for a woman to wear pants (jeans, yoga pants, dress pants, leggings, dungarees, etc) without sexualizing her body since they highlight her legs, curves, and rear end. Women who want to be modest should not own pants at all.
Response: That's a lot of words for "nobody will fuck me".

Hmmmmmmm…
Your reaction when you become an Uber driver and drop off a dude at your girlfriend's house.

I wondered why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They blessed the rains down in Africa.

The King of France, The King of England, and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.
Eventually, they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.
The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"
The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva España!!"
The King of England drops his, but there is a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"

Took my wife to the doctor today to sort out her Tourette's.
Turns out she doesn't have Tourette's.
Turns out I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?
Hallmark movies.

A blonde bought some water skis last year but has yet to try them out.
She's still looking for a lake with a hill.

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.
The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"
"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!"
He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
After that, he starts to take off his underwear.
The blonde girl starts running, he catches up to her and says, "Why are you running?"
She said, "I'm afraid of how short the fuse is going to be."

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, ‟You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. ‟You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, ‟You know dear, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener, and your brother."

Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

Boss: It's 10AM, you should have been here at 8!
Employee: Why, what happened?

Cowboys used to put a lantern on their saddle at night to help them find the trail.
This was early saddle light navigation.

[Source]

Crab People

The aliens had studied the world they were traveling to for years. Transmissions of primitive radio waves from the hairless, bipedal mammals' world told the Katalk everything they needed to know. The humans, though fractious and inclined to war with one another, did not have weapons that could pierce the thick natural body armor of the Katalk. Their world was mostly ocean, in a salinity similar to the oceans of the homeworld, teeming with life. Technically, the Katalk could simply conquer the ocean, and leave the lands where the humans dwelled alone, aside from the beaches and the other land areas closest to the sea, where Katalk who enjoyed spending time on land could make their vacation homes. But because the humans themselves poured poison and garbage in that ocean, and because they valued that sea-adjacent land very highly themselves, it was determined by the High Command that the Katalk needed to subjugate humanity in order to hold the oceans of the world the natives called "Earth" in their pincers.

While the discordant, warlike humans had many separate tribes that they called "nations", and had no unity in the governance of their world, there did appear to be one nation that dominated all the others, producing the majority of the radio transmissions that contained visual information. Radio transmissions emanating from the other nations frequently included information that had originally been transmitted from that nation. So the Katalk carefully studied that nation. Its capital was heavily guarded with flying machines carrying metal projectile ordnance—mostly a nuisance to the heavily armored ships of the Katalk, but they had not become the dominant conquerors of the galaxy by allowing a nuisance to wear at their defenses when there was a better way. Besides, the capital was on a freshwater river, not particularly near an ocean.

A short distance north and east of that capital, barely twenty skroons of travel at the speed Katalk ships could go, there was another city… on a bay. A brackish bay whose salinity was perfect for Katalk, even better than the oceans of the world, where the salt was perhaps a little overly-strong for comfort. And that city had far, far less of an active military aerial defense. The city seemed to be somewhat infamous for the number of humans killing other humans with personal ordnance, but the personal ordnance used by humans would be, again, no more than a nuisance against the hard shells of the Katalk.

The Katalk broadcast on all the radio wave frequencies that were being transmitted out of locations near the city. Some of these frequencies could apparently transmit visual information, so they recorded images of their fleet leader, flanked by his chief war captains. "Human creatures. We are the Katalk. Our weaponry is far superior to anything your species has developed, and our natural armor can resist the strongest weapons you have. We claim your world in the name of the Katalk Empire. Surrender yourselves immediately or face the consequences."

This was broadcast in all the languages that the radio waves were transmitted in. Then the Katalk ships descended to land in the bay. It was a perfect strategic position; from within this bay, they could quickly reach the capital of this nation by water, and there were multiple large cities within their reach now.

There were hundreds, perhaps thousands, of the humans crowded up on the piers and the shoreline of the harbor, watching the ships, but there had been no response from anyone who had authority, yet. "Let us get their attention unmistakeably," the fleet leader said, and commanded the gunner of the lead ship to destroy the top few floors of their tallest building.

The top of the building exploded, mostly vaporized, but with enough chunks of solid matter spraying out over the city that many of the humans were injured, and a few were killed – as, obviously, were the ones who'd been at the top of the building. A new broadcast went out. "We are tired of your delays! Your ruler must come and surrender to the Katalk immediately, or we will annihilate this city!"

Within ten minutes, a brown human female surrounded by an entourage of humans in policing uniforms and humans holding microphones and cameras walked out on one of the piers. "Katalk ship! I'm the mayor of Baltimore, here to discuss the surrender," she said.

"At last," the fleet captain said, and left, with his own entourage. He didn't have to – in fact, some might say that the fleet captain meeting with the mayor of a conquered city was bending low to a level far beneath his status. But he had been in space for months, and wanted to take the opportunity to breathe the planet's air for himself.

The ship floated over to the pier and laid down its gangplank so that the fleet captain could stride down onto the pier. As he did so, he heard someone – not the mayor, but someone in her entourage – say "Oh my god, they look just like giant crabs!"

"We are not like any of your pathetic Earth life!" the fleet captain's chief aide said. "We are superior beings, and you will treat us as such!"

"Of course," the mayor said. "Please forgive my aide, he was just startled. You do bear a strong coincidental resemblance to an Earth life form called a 'crab', which is one of the most common and enduring symbols of our city. I feel as if God must have intended for you to come here to Baltimore as your first experience of our world." She bowed deeply. "May we exchange names? I—"

"We may not," the fleet captain said brusquely, interrupting the mayor. "It is taboo among the Katalk to share names."

"Oh," the mayor said, her face and tone showing the pattern humans exhibited when they felt surprise. "How do you tell each other apart, then?"

"We address each other by title. I am the Fleet Captain of the Katalk Expeditionary Fleet to the Sol System. These are my aides. I do not actually care who your servants or assistants are. You are here to surrender."

"I most certainly am," the mayor said. "I can take you to the place where we run our government right now. But I'd like to invite you to a ceremony tomorrow night, a ceremony we perform for our most honored leaders." She bowed again.

"Describe this ceremony," the fleet captain barked.

"We begin by inviting all of your crew to watch you be honored at the ceremony. We give you a ceremonial key that represents control of this city. Then we anoint you and your crew with herbs and spices that smell beautiful to us, and bathe you."

This wasn't the behavior the fleet captain had expected. Usually primitive races attempted to use violence to harm the Katalk, and needed to be taught a harsh lesson before their subjugation. And every human fiction broadcast on the radio waves from their planet, and every story of what was actually happening on their planet, said that this was what humans did as well. Yet the human woman was treating the Katalk as honored rulers of high status. Could it be that, because the humans of this city venerated a creature that looked much like the Katalk, they were prepared to accept Katalk rule near-bloodlessly?

That would be excellent. It was always best to take the primitive natives as slaves rather than destroying them. They would best understand the wildlife and the vegetation and how to utilize them as food.

"We will accept your ceremony of honor," the fleet captain said.

He allowed the woman to guide him and his entourage to the place called City Hall, where she introduced him to many humans, by their titles only, and attempted to show him how to do the paperwork. He used his side weapon and vaporized the paperwork. "Your bureaucracy means nothing to me," he snapped, claws clacking. "We will rule as we see fit."

"Of course, my lord Fleet Captain." The mayor bowed again. "Let me make arrangements for your ceremonial anointing tomorrow."

She slipped away, leaving an aide to explain things the Fleet Captain did not need explained. Why would the Katalk care about humans having parking permits?

***

Interlude:

Come to Baltimore, and walk downtown, and perhaps you might be fooled into thinking there is an underground subway system, or something of that nature, because you've seen steam rising from vents in the streets and sidewalks. But it's something else that causes the steam.

Beneath the streets of Baltimore, in the downtown area, there are pipes that feed chilled water, hot water, and steam to businesses in the area. These connect to heating and cooling systems in the local buildings.

Naturally, there are no buildings where the steam comes into the open areas where people are.

There are many engineers who work in Baltimore, for the energy company that supplies the steam, who would know how to redirect the steam. It might be a very difficult task. It might cause excessive cursing, and complaining about short notice, and overtime work. But if the mayor needed steam to be somewhere that it usually is not, and was willing to commit to whatever the cost would be, there are engineers who work for the energy company that supplies the steam, and they could do it.
***

The conquest was going well. Wherever the Katalk went, the humans pointed and made sounds of amazement. The mayor was incredibly deferential, and humans moved smoothly out of the way as the Katalk approached.

One of the fleet captain's aides overhead the mayor speaking on a telephone, one that was connected by a wire rather than one of the ones that transmitted by radio waves. "No, Mr. President, there's no need. No, we have the situation under control… Yes, that's right. They're right outside my office. I'll let them know to expect you to arrive and surrender to them after the anointment ceremony… sir, it's a Baltimore thing, don't worry about it." She hung the phone back on its cradle and looked up. "I've made all the arrangements! The ruler of our nation will be here to surrender formally to you after the ceremony! He wanted to send troops to fight you, but of course I told him that would be futile; your technology is far too advanced, so he's agreed to surrender."

"If you are planning some sort of sneak attack or subterfuge, this city will be destroyed," the fleet captain said when he was told what the mayor had been doing.

"Of course! Don't worry, I know I couldn't outthink you. You must be far more intelligent than humans, with such advanced technology."

"See that you remember it," the fleet captain said.

***

The place where the ceremony was to be done had the sign "ROYAL FARMS ARENA" in large letters on the front of the building. "What does this mean, Royal Farms?" the fleet captain asked.

"It's a figure of speech. The idea is that we grow a king or queen into their power and potential, the way that farmers grow plants," the mayor said. "That's why we hold the ceremony there."

All of the Katalk filed in, with the exception of those who'd been left behind on the ships, one or two per ship, per regulations – they couldn't have humans sneaking aboard the ships while they were all gone, after all. There were nearly six hundred Katalk coming into the ceremony. "We do ask that you leave your weapons here, at the front," the mayor said. "Of course you can easily retrieve them if you need them, and it's hardly as if humans are any kind of threat to you, but it's symbolism."

The fleet captain considered telling the mayor that he didn't care about human symbolism, but decided to humor her.

As each Katalk entered the arena, several humans sprinkled large quantities of a strange-smelling orange powder over them, from tubs labeled "Old Bay." "Our research on your radio wave broadcasts revealed that you have a product you refer to as 'Old Spice'," the chief researcher on humanity said to the mayor. "Is this similar?"

"It's very similar, but this is the Baltimore version. We call the spice mix 'Old Bay' because we're on a bay," the mayor said.

The researcher touched his two large claws together in the gesture the Katalk used to express sudden understanding, or acknowledgement of a truth. "Sir, it makes sense," he said to the fleet captain. "I haven't seen anything about this specific ceremony, but I do know that highly honored culture leaders called 'celebrities' are often invited to ceremonies at arenas like this, and I also know that 'Old Spice' is considered a scent compound that is highly desirable and is seen as making the males of the species superior to those who are not scented with it."

"Understood," the fleet captain said.

After all the Katalk were in the room, the mayor went to the stage and spoke into a microphone, which was broadcast throughout the arena. "Our honored crab overlords, the Katalk, are here to be given the keys to our city, and to be anointed with the sacred Old Bay and bathed in the traditional manner. Let us give thanks that they came to Baltimore before any other city on Earth!" She called the fleet captain to the stage. "We are very, very pleased you have come to us," she said. "Please accept this symbolic token of our surrender to your leadership." She had two aides show him a ridiculously huge key.

The researcher whispered, "It ties out; they used to have walled cities to protect themselves from marauding humans. Since then, the 'key to the city' seems to represent a great honor."

The fleet captain clacked his claws against each other in acknowledgement, and stepped on the stage. "Humans, your days of self rule are at an end, but if you continue to cooperate and embrace our rule as eagerly as you have done, you will be spared and allowed to continue to live and serve us."

There was dead silence from the humans, and then the mayor said, "Let's hear it for the Katalk!" All the humans started slapping their hands together loudly, which looked much like the human version of the Katalk acknowledgement gesture. The fleet captain assumed that they were signifying that they understood and accepted their fate.

"Now, for the ceremonial bath," the mayor said. "We'll let some cleansing steam into the room. It'll really make your carapaces shine and bring out the scent of the Old Bay beautifully. We humans won't be present for this, because it's a taboo among our people to see someone else bathe unless they're our mates. As soon as the bath is over, we'll return, and take you to the places you'll need to be after that."

"And tomorrow your nation's ruler will surrender to us as well?"

"He's told me so, and none of the ruling class of America would ever dare lie to anyone as powerful and intelligent as you."

"That sounds a bit dubious," the researcher whispered. "Apparently their rulers frequently lie, according to the radio waves, and make promises they cannot or choose not to keep."

"It's no matter. If the nation's ruler doesn't come tomorrow to surrender, we will move on their capital, using this city as our base, and force him to his knees."

The humans bowed as they left the room. The mayor said, "I eagerly look forward to meeting with you after your bath, fleet captain! No one in Baltimore can imagine anything more enjoyable than spending time serving you."

The mayor's obsequiousness was starting to get on the fleet captain's nerves. "Just go. Let this bath begin so it can be over with."

She left, and the doors to the arena were closed, as would obviously be necessary if there was to be a steam bath. "Let's see if this steam bath is all that the humans say it is," the fleet captain said.

The researcher said, "It is something they speak of highly in their radio waves. They also enjoy spending time in desiccating rooms where it is very hot but there is no steam, and in tubs of hot water. They are much more comfortable with water than we would expect from land mammals."

The steam came in from under the seats. When the captain sent an aide to tell him how it was being done, he reported that it looked like there were dozens of pipes that had been hastily inserted into the walls. Steam rolled in from the pipes, and it was pleasant; the weather on this planet was chillier than the Katalk homeworld. The fleet captain relaxed and let himself enjoy the warmth, as the rest of the Katalk did the same.

But then the warmth began to grow uncomfortable. "It's time we left," he said. "If the humans haven't come to bring us out, we will just go on our own. We don't bow to their timetables."

Two Katalk went to open the doors. They didn't open.

More steam rolled in.

Katalk started desperately searching for doors, trying to batter the doors down when they found them, or bash holes in the walls with their powerful claws. The steam rose. Katalk fled up the stair-step seating, trying to find a place out of the heat. The steam rose. Swirls of it fogged the room and made it hard to see one's fellow Katalk.

The fleet captain commanded that they form a giant pile and try to reach the roof. It was plain that the humans had betrayed them and lied to them, and had locked them in, but perhaps there was a way to escape via the roof.

Military discipline broke down completely. None of the Katalk wanted to be on the bottom of the pile where the steam was hottest and thickest. They climbed over each other frantically, sometimes ripping each other's claws out in their fervor to climb higher than their fellows. The fleet captain bellowed orders, that were ignored.

It was so very hot.

***

Outside the Royal Farms arena, the mayor smiled grimly at the doors, which had been quickly screwed to a large piece of corrugated steel, so even if the doors gave way under the Katalk claws, there would still be no escape. "My son worked on the top floors of the Transamerica building, you sons of bitches," she said, her voice quiet but her tone vicious. "Burn in hell… once you're done boiling alive."

She turned toward the crowd behind her. "Citizens of Baltimore, in about forty-five minutes, we're going to have the biggest crab feast this city has ever seen, here at Royal Farms arena. And then our National Guard, who've been dispatched down here by the governor, are going to take these guns and use them to root out any of these crab people who might have stayed behind on their spaceships."

"What are we gonna do with the spaceships?" a man in the crowd yelled.

"What else would we do with the spaceships? We're gonna use them to go to space," the mayor said. "Prepare to enter a new era of jobs and industry for Baltimore, all courtesy of our tasty friends in there."

More and more people gathered at the Royal Farms Arena over the next forty-five minutes, milling around excitedly. Eventually, the steam was cut off. The mayor gestured at the sealed doors.

"Everyone! Please step out of the way to let the caterers through. They've been preparing corn on the cob for us to enjoy with our feast, all day long, because you can't have a real crab feast without corn on the cob. And I've asked hardware stores around the city to donate hammers, because I think those shells are a good bit harder than we're used to, and our wooden mallets probably won't be enough to do the job."

Everyone cheered and backed out of the way as the caterers wheeled forward large tables covered with brown paper, actual hammers, butter dishes, and stacks of corn on the cob, and the firefighters unsealed the doors. Steam escaped through the open doors, into the air, up and away from the waiting crowd. The appetizing scent of Old Bay wafted out, as the caterers waited for all the steam to clear before going through the door to prepare for the crowd.

It was going to be the crab feast to end all crab feasts.

"Save at least one for the president," the mayor said to the catering manager. "I promised him one when he comes tomorrow."

[Source]