Category: Humor

From Wil Wheaton:

Somewhere in the world, a person exists who probably does not know that, in George's version of the story, he exists only as "explosive diarrhea guy."

He has a rich life, a backstory that could fill volumes. Yet, in George's reality, he will forever be "explosive diarrhea guy." And there are at least 15,000 people in the world right now (a number about to grow, because I think half a million people follow me on Tumblr) who also will only know him as "explosive diarrhea guy."

This is objectively hilarious to me, but it also illustrates a larger point I'm always trying to make: who you are in someone else's story is not always under your control, and is frequently not even about you as a person.

But big love to explosive diarrhea guy, whoever and wherever he is. We've all been there, and it's never great, but in a public restroom it's even worse.

I may not have been my mother's favorite child, but I was the first one she thought of when the police showed up.

The good news is I did a close inspection of your colon and it looks perfect.
What's the bad news?
I'm not a doctor.

When I told my Dad over the phone that my husband has the flu, he said, "Have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background, mom yelled, "For the last time, it's ECHINACEA!"

The inventor of pop rocks:
Sugar is not good enough.
It also needs to detonate.

Sir, our system has been breached. As a security precaution, I will change all of our passwords to KENNY.
The update has been confirmed.
We now all have KENNY logins.

I bought my girlfriend 4 pregnancy tests and they all came out positive.
Now she's crying…
She said, "How are we going to feed 4 kids?"

I got up at 5am and ran 5 miles.
Went home and ate a pan of vegetables.
Did 100 pushups.
I don't remember the rest of my dream but I sure woke up tired.
I had to take a nap.

Next time you break wind in public, say, "Do I smell popcorn?"
Then watch everyone take a deep breath!

Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.
There will be an express lane for 12 teeth or less.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food.

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: how much it cost. "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

I came home today to find my wife has been on eBay all day long.
If she's still on there tomorrow, I'll have to lower the price.

Dear Lottery, I demand a recount. It's clear your machines are corrupt; everyone knows I won; it was clearly stolen from me.

Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you feel.
You could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

As I've aged, I'm eternally grateful that I've gotten fatter instead of more politically conservative.

A middle eastern market is opening up in our neighborhood.
How bazaar is that?

Someone stole my iPhone. The police said the thief could face time.

Obesity runs in my family.
Nobody runs in your family.

She makes sexual jokes because they make her giggle, not because she wants to have sex with you, lonely internet man.

Oh, you like bad boys? Well, sometimes I cite articles I've only skimmed.

Meh, good enough. – Mediocrates

Adults are probably spanked more than children these days.

Soon it will be the alpacalypse.
Unless llamageddon comes first.

Cooking for 2 hours to eat for 10 minutes is the biggest scam in the world.

Let me check my giveashitometer.
Nope, nothing.

How hot is it this summer?
It's hotter than a plan B pill at an evangelical bible camp.

I hate when someone rings my doorbell. Because then I have to drop whatever I'm doing and be very quiet so they don't know I'm home.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star you're actually a few million years late.
That star is dead.
Just like your dreams.

Outside is scary and inside is lonely (no it's not), we need a third place. (no we don't)

Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.

Kids paper: My favorite thing to do at school is… leave.

The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall.
It took me a moment to realize they meant autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind.

Apparently, you became this horrible evil person because you decided not to take shit anymore from someone.

I bought a wig for a dollar today.
It was a small price toupee.

Educated people are hot!
Why?
Because they have more degrees.

Archaeologists have discovered more of King Arthur's knights of the Round Table!!
The knight who:
Wandered around the table – Sir Cumference.
Was also a sailor – Sir Cumnavigate.
Jumped out from hiding – Sir Prise.
Lived in the woods – Sir Vival.
Followed people – Sir Valence.
Looked at buildings – Sir Vey.
Was also a doctor – Sir Gical.
Was rude – Sir Ley.
Liked steak – Sir Loin.

Knock knock…
Who's there?
The police.
What do you want?
We just want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Four.
Then talk to each other!

Sorry I sprayed WD40 in your mouth.
But it DID stop that noise you were making.

I recently asked a student where his homework was.
He said, "It's still in my pencil".

The key to looking amazing is looking like crap most of the time so when your not, it's more of a surprise.

Waiter: "Anything to drink mam?"
4yo: "My mom needs a fucking margarita."
… So, yeah, they're always listening.

Will I stop posting inappropriate memes?
Will I work on not swearing?
Will I stop laughing at sexual innuendos?
Tune in next week to the next episode of absolutely fucking not!

Mom to 5yo: For the last time, the swing in mommy's room is not a toy.

Dad to mom:
I'm sorry.
The kids were playing some sort of cowboy game.
The five-year-old kept yelling 'yippee ki yay'.
I didn't think and instinctively finished the phrase.

Mother Goose: Waiter, my soup is cold.
Waiter: Ma'am, It's gazpacho.
Mother Goose: Sorry, Mr. Gazpacho, my soup is cold.

Vegan ribs are actually delicious.
The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.

The Spanish word of the day is: wheelchair.
There's only one donut left so wheelchair.

I'm so single that If I win a trip for 2 I'm going twice.

What generation does Forest Gump belong to?
Gen A.

I'm feeling rich today. I switched out the Walmart bag in the trash can to a Target bag.

I drive so badly that when I hear the GPS it's praying.

There are two types of people in this world:
We only have an hour to get to the airport…
and
We still have an hour till we need to be at the airport.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about 1.2 million dollars.

[Source]

In my day (at least until my best friend moved to California) it was "Do you wanna spend the night at my house and eat pizza and make Creepy Crawlers?"

OKAY BOOMER.

Teacher: Give me a sentence about a public servant.
Small Boy: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
Teacher: Do you know what pregnant means?
Small Boy: Sure, it means carrying a child.

I bought a can of fly spray and sprayed it all over me.
I still can't fly.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron man stops the bad guys. Aluminum man just foils their plans.

I'm known as "the computer".
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Stop thinking that because you have a college degree, it makes you smart.
I know a lot of people that have a driver's license and can't drive.

When you have more than one kid, it's important to take them out separately for ice cream sometimes.
They get important one on one time, and you get more ice cream.

Women, stop telling strong women they have balls. You know what balls do? They shrivel up when it's cold. And they make men cry when they get kicked. Strong women have ovaries. Ovaries are so tough they kick us once a month just to show us who's in charge.

Patient: Remember how I used to beat you up and call you a science nerd in high school? Ironic, huh?
Doctor: And you may experience further irony during your colonoscopy tomorrow.

Him: If a beautiful woman disagrees with me, I will immediately change my views. I have no priciples.
Her: Well maybe you should have principles.
Him: You're right, maybe I should.

Idolizing a politician is like believing the stripper really likes you.

My 14 year old daughter just screamed FUCK and slammed her door after she learned she'll be menstruating every month or so for the next 30-40 years. I can't blame her.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was full of parsley.
Somebody garnished my wages.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus,
and Jesus is the lamb of god,
then Mary had a little lamb.

Bologna is just hot dog pancakes.

How is it that cavemen survived the asteroid but the dinosaurs didn't?
Social distancing. They stayed 65 million years apart.

The key to happiness is low expectations…
Lower…
Nope, even lower…
There you go!

Picture of sad grade school kid…
When it's career day at school but your dad's a cop and refuses to enter the building.

Sex over 50 can be exciting. You never know if it's an orgasm, a stroke, or just a cramp.

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

Her: I'm leaving you!
Him: Is it because I act like I know everything?
Her: Yes!
Him: I knew it!

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

1980 was twenty years ago. Right? Right?!

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

The Lady in the commercial for life alert said she fell. Laid there for eight hours until her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help?

My granddaughter had been eating a purple popsicle when she told a whopper. I told her that when you lie your tongue turns purple and it doesn't always go away. When she checked out her tongue you should have heard the howling!

ATM MACHINE. What does the M stand for in ATM?

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."
I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

Not enough people mention Jesus' biggest miracle…
Having 12 close friends after 30!

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but you have to fight for your right to Part E!

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help you?', says the man, 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner.'
'I know you haven't, replies the piano tuner, 'Your neighbors did.'

A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him.
"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"
"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"
The Angel smiled.
"Who mentioned women?"

What is worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles!

A policeman came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."
I said, "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

The difference between a divorce and a circumcision? That's easy! With a divorce, you get rid of the whole dick!

Guy walks out of the restroom Girl says, "sir your garage door is open." Guy asks, "Did you see my Harley"? Girl says, "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires".

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