Category: Humor

2022: Gas station gift cards are now a romantic gesture.
“He went to Jared” is out…
“He went to Mobil” is now in.

A bittersweet announcement, but after an amazing 2 years as an infectious disease expert, I’m moving on.
I am now an expert on no-fly zones and Eastern European affairs. Excited to make the most of this new opportunity.

8 file drawers:
The first is labeled A-K
The last one is labeled M-Z.
The secretary explained: “The middle six drawers contain ‘L’ because we receive a lot of letters!”

I’ve been hiding from exercise.
I’m in the fitness protection program.

Happy “my car clock is right again” day to all those who celebrate.

If you had Ron DeSantis attacking Disney World because of communism on your bingo card today, you win.

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are.

The four horsemen of procrastination…
Napping
Snacks
Social media
Minor chores

Mom: If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up,” What would you say?
Kid: I’d say, “You’re lying. My mom doesn’t have any friends.”
Mom: Not where I was going, but OK.

If I’m ever known as the one that got away…
It will be from an asylum.

Most non-religious people wouldn’t have a problem with religion if it was something benign and privately practiced, instead of something weaponized to oppress people, justify harmful beliefs and rituals, proselytize and convert, and infiltrate government.

What’s your plan if a nuclear was starts?
I’m pretty sure my employer wants me to work that day. So I guess I’m working.

On March 14, 1883, Karl Marx made his most important contribution to mankind, he died.

I was bored, so I put a pregnancy test kit box in the trash at work.

My son accidentally colored something blue instead of green. I told him to just color over it with yellow. When it turned green he asked me if I’m a witch and I didn’t say no. I bet he’ll clean his damn room now!

Things that made a little kid cry this week…
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare.
– The bath was “too wet”.
– He wanted syrup for breakfast, just syrup.
– His sister “keeps looking at him”.
– He wants shoes like his friend Jacob. (there is no Jacob)

Good luck on robbing my house.
My home security system is LEGOS on the floor.

Son: You’re pretty.
Mom: Aww.
Son: Even when you just waked up you’re so pretty.
Mom: Awwww.
Son: Can I have Doritos for lunch?
Mom: There it is…

Moms of little boys — go ahead and soak up that sweet baby boy smell, because in a few years his feet will stink so badly you’ll pull the car over, convinced there’s a rotting raccoon carcass in it.

What’s it like having 4 boys?
My son just threw a waffle into the ceiling fan so he could see what would happen, with all of his brothers cheering him on.

At the airport.
Just kissed 13yo son on his forehead.
He reacted like Dracula getting impaled by a wooden stake.

My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I’m still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.

Shoutout to all my fellow procrastinators who are reading blogger right now instead of doing whatever productive thing you should be doing.
We should start a club. Not right now but maybe later.

I asked my grandpa, “After 65 years you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s the secret?”
He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m too scared to ask her.”

I just witnessed a woman pull out her ringing phone from her purse. She loudly sang along with the ringtone to the very end. Then this woman slipped her phone right back into her bag. She never answered it. This is the energy I’ll take into the rest of the year.

A guy in the store on his cell said, “Susan, I’m in my car on my way”. so I yelled, “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

(I am 6 months pregnant)
After ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: You know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

I carry a whistle to the grocery store in case someone violates the sanctity of the “15 Items Or Less” lane.

If you’re buying smart water for $5 a bottle it’s not working.

We DO NOT throw away perfectly good food in this house.
We put the leftovers in Tupperware, put the Tupperware in the fridge, let it go bad, THEN throw it out.

Her: I was planning to do some house cleaning but I can’t find a hair tie so I’m sure you understand that absolutely nothing productive will be occurring at this time.

Just overheard my 54 year old dad tell my 58 year old aunt “don’t tell mom”.
So apparently that’s a lifelong thing.

Do you ever try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear you fighting for your life?

I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I’m not going.

I look out the window when I get up to see what season we’re having today.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside me” was not the correct answer.

Q: When was running invented?
A: Running was invented in 1748 by Thomas Running when he tried to twice at the same time.

SeaWorld discovered that if they served Seagull meat to their dolphins, they never got sick or died. A truck driver was arrested at the Oregon state line with a load of seagulls that were to be delivered to SeaWorld. It seems he was transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

A Blond was driving to Little Rock, she saw a sign that said, Little Rock Left.
So she turned around and went home.

Are you sweating while putting gas in your car?
Feeling sick when you pay for it?
You may have the carowner virus.

“What if I swab my pussy with this at home covid test to see how absolutely sick it is?”

I miss you when you [18 Ar 39.948]. (Answer at the end.)

Kid: My dad says you spy on people.
Zuckerberg: He’s not your dad.

People will buy $300 worth of groceries and still stop for fast food on the way home.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

My husband just told me, “sex is better on vacation.”
Not the best postcard I’ve ever received.

Have you ever read a comment on social media that made you click on the person’s profile just to see if they look as stupid as they sound?

Girls: I’m so fat. – Noooo, you’re beautiful!
Guys: Am I fat? – Bro, I have five fat friends and you’re four of them.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

Never run a marathon in bad shoes.
You will suffer the agony of defeet.

The four stages of a day off. (Or a typical retiree’s day)
1. Will do so much stuff.
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff.
3. Eventually I’ll do some stuff.
4. Oh No!
5. (retiree) Tomorrow.

I asked my wife why we never have sex anymore.
“Speak for yourself” wasn’t the answer I was expecting.

My boss texted me…
“Send me one of your funny jokes.”
I replied…
“I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later.”
He replied…
“That was fantastic! Send me another one.”

Getting gas this morning at pump 3, I noticed the person before me bought $10 worth.
Where the hell were they going? Pump 4?

My desire to be well informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

If only reading burned more calories.

The 5-second rule for food dropped on the floor doesn’t work if you have a 2-second dog.

Wedding night confessions…
Husband: “Honey I have to confess, I’ve slept with loads of prostitutes before I met you.”
Wife: “I just knew I’d seen you somewhere before!”

Aibohphobia is the fear of palindromes. Palindrome – A word spelled the same forward and backward. The guy that named the phobia was evil.

Me: I joined a carpenter’s class last week.
Friend: Have you made anything yet?
Me: We’ve only just begun.

I hate when people take my glasses and say “Wow you really can’t see!”
No shit.
I don’t take a random person’s wheelchair and say “Wow you really can’t walk!”

What if lollipops moaned every time you licked them?

The price of gas is so bad, I went into a station and asked for $5.00 worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.

We used to pay real money for ringtones and now if my phone makes a noise it ruins my day.

Professor: Most of you won’t pass this course.
Me: Great, so your like really shitty at your job.

Not all who wander are lost.
Some are just looking for the scissors.
I swear I just had them, right here!

Quiet laidback men, why do you go for loud fiery women?
Someone has to tell the waiter I ordered mashed potatoes and it’s not going to be me.

When you ask for someone’s name, you’re essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention.

The reason I don’t like social media’s “memories” feature is that it shows me wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

Some poor, homeless fool is probably sitting next to a waterfall somewhere totally unaware of how angry and scared he’s supposed to be.

An 8 year old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn’t just dig up dead people to get teeth.

There’s an old law school saying that goes as follows:
“Those law students who get A’s in law school become law professors.
Those law students who get B’s in law school become judges.
And those law students who get C’s in law school become the working lawyers of the world.”
The saying never addressed, however, the law students who get the D’s and F’s. I always wondered what happened to them.
I have finally figured it out, though. Those law students who get the D’s and F’s in law school eventually go on to run for and serve in Congress.

I got my pet fly a tiny stopwatch. Now, my fly times.

I checked Kelley Blue Book today for my car’s value and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

I’m on a light diet. I eat by daylight, moonlight, and sometimes refrigerator light.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Me too!

Answer – Argon

Furthermore…

Bakers wear loafers.
Zookeepers wear crocs.
Angels wear wingtips.
Dogs wear hush puppies.
Surgeons wear Doc Martens.
Lumberjacks wear timberlands.

and finally…

Ice skaters wear slippers.

align: center;”>Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week. Please don’t forget to tip your servers!

“I was surprised it was so easy to get these morgue freezers installed! The company wondered why I needed them, so I told them my husband does a lot of hunting and can’t always immediately dress the carcasses. Speaking of my husband, the floozy he was fucking is already in the bottom and he’ll be in the top after he eats this special salad I’ve prepared.”

“Since I left for college, my dad has gotten back into some of his old hobbies.”

“Oh! That’s very different! Never mind!

“Again Laura?”