Category: Humor

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Stolen Jokes

Did you realize that if you sit on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight, it’s the same shit, different day?

I’m good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend until the LSD wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.

As a kid, did you ever knock on people’s doors and run away before they could answer? Well, guess what, UPS is hiring.

My employer is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it may be me.

Him: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane.
Her: My God, imagine if it had been a small child.
Him: I could have fought off a small child.

At the end of WW2, Ian Fleming – who later wrote the James Bond books – was working at Bletchley Park and then was put in charge of searching for and capturing the Nazi rocket scientists before the Russians could get to them. Each morning he would wake up, untangle the knotted leads to his earphones by shaking them hard then walk down the garden path to his Aston Martin, avoiding the dog shite in the grass by the road. He had a mnemonic for doing these tasks: Shaken knots, turd.

I’m looking for the book Ventriloquism for Dummies.

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart.
Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don’t recognize.

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I suspect it was probably a printer.

If any of you non-rich people want to go to space for 10 minutes, I know a good brownie recipe.

Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “skip intro” when they start talking to you.

[Source]

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Is This…

…two grooms or the best man dumping one final load into the groom before he has a wife? Inquiring minds want to know.

(I’m gonna go with the latter because I’ve watched way too much porn.)

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Passing on Some Jokes

A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. His condition was listed as stable.

Always support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

I had sex with my second cousin, and now it’s really awkward. I should have learned my lesson with the first one.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

I’m thinking of killing off a few characters in the book I am writing. It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

What’s the difference between a flat earther and a knife? A knife has a point. (Only one of them is likely to be sharp.)

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, “Would you like my opinion on your work?” “Yes,” says the artist. “It’s worthless,” says the critic. The artist replies, “I know, but tell me anyway.”

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.

If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who’s the first to realize they’re full of shit? The room.

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives? Texas.

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A Little Humor

So I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, ‘It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!’

Thinking back, I really should have run, but you don’t get offers like that every day.”

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