Category: Humor

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Dirk, Just Look Busy


“Okay, Dirk, just look busy. Look like you’re working, just in case. Just lightly tap the keys. Don’t press anything, don’t flip any switches. Just be cool, Dirk. You’ve got this. Morgan will be in soon and she won’t let you blow anything up.”

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A Little Yoke

Pretty sure that both Jehovah and Satan are scratching their heads, giving puzzled looks to each other at this point.
Jehovah: Are you sure he’s not one of yours? Because I didn’t make him.
Satan: Puleeze, gurl. Give me some credit. Even I have standards.
Jehovah: Buddha? Brahma?
*Both shrug their shoulders*
Satan: Gaia?
Gaia: *glowers*
Satan: Right, right. Sorry. Forgot about the “pussy grabbing” thing.
Jehovah: Cthulhu?
Cthulhu: What kind of monster do you take me for? *sips tea*
Satan: Well somebody cooked him up!
Flying Spaghetti Monster: …
Jehovah: Wait…there is no way you could…
Flying Spaghetti Monster: Look, it was my first time. I was a little drunk and someone asked for a “Tangerine Dream” so I thought…
Satan: *facepalms* Fucking newbies!

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An Airplane Was About To Crash…

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The first passenger said, “I am Steph Curry, the best basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

Donald Trump, the second passenger said, “I am Donald Trump. I am the newly-elected President of the United States and the smartest President in American history. My followers don’t want me to die. He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth, a ten-year-old boy, “My son, I am old and I do not have many years left. You have your entire life ahead of you, so I will sacrifice myself and let you have the last parachute.”

“That’s okay, your Holiness” said the boy. “There is still one parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my book bag.”

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