Category: Jeff Tiedrich’s Wit

Posted on

Quelle Suprise!

hey, folks? I’m not sure how to break this to you, but it’s looking more and more like the guy who lied about bone spurs and lied about hush money and lied about his dead pedo bestie and lied about how tariffs work and lied about being able to point to a camel and lied about his weight and lied about his golf scores and lied about his wealth and lied about a hurricane and lied about a pandemic and lied about his taxes and lied about a million other things has been lying to us about just how swimmingly his don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran is going.

oh, and his piss-drunk Secretary of Death? the shouty one with all the Christofascist tattoos, who gets off on bombing schoolgirls? he’s been lying, too.

I know, right?

remember all that blather from Preznit Fuckwit about how Iran’s military has been smithereened to death and how they have no navy and can’t fight, and how the whole country is on the verge of complete collapse, and how Iran has no choice but to open up that Strait of Epstein, like, any minute now?

yeah, well guess fucking what.

that’s right, the Washington Post got its hands on a leaked CIA report that basically contradicts every word that’s seeped out of Dear Leader’s rancid anus-mouth.

The analysis by the U.S. intelligence community, whose secret assessments on Iran have often been more sober than the administration’s public statements, also found that Tehran retains significant ballistic missile capabilities despite weeks of intense U.S. and Israeli bombardment, three of the people familiar with it said.

oh, so not totally obliterated, then.

Donny has been presenting us with a version of his merry little war that bears absolutely no resemblance to reality.

either Donny’s been lying to us, or someone like Piss-Drunk Pete has been lying to Donny — or, more likely, everyone is lying to everyone, because that’s all these shit-kazoos do all day long, tell one lie after another like it’s going out of style.

remember how Donny keeps telling us he holds all the cards? he never shuts the fuck up about holding all the cards, because like any toddler who’s been dropped on its head, Donny thinks a stupid joke gets funnier the more often he repeats it.

well, it looks like Iran still has about three quarters of their cards.

Iran retains about 75% of its prewar inventories of mobile launchers and about 70% of its prewar stockpiles of missiles. There is evidence that the regime has been able to recover and reopen almost all of its underground storage facilities, repair some damaged missiles, and even assemble some new missiles that were nearly complete when the war began.

basically Donny isn’t even anywhere close to winning this war, because Iran still retains most of its weapons stockpile, and is rebuilding its military infrastructure faster than Donny can blow it up.

Iran is laughing at Donny, as they eat his lunch.

how is that any kind of victory? look at that, even Obama can’t figure it out — and he’s a smart dude. he went to Harvard and everything.

now take that story, and add to it the one we got the other day, about how “Iranian airstrikes have damaged or destroyed at least 228 structures or pieces of equipment at U.S. military sites across the Middle East since the war began,” to the point where some bases have had to move their staff elsewhere.

it’s just one ginormous shitpile of lies.

this is why I go fucking ballistic when I see a newspaper headline that begins with ‘Donny says…’ — because Donny says a lot of shit, and almost none of it is true.

telling us that ‘Donny says he’s winning’ without also noting that his claim is without evidence is not reporting, it’s worthless scribbling.

it fact, it’s worse than worthless. it’s outright dangerous, because a democracy cannot survive without a fully-informed populace.

so anyway, there we were, minding our own business yesterday afternoon, when out of the clear blue, The New York Times informed us that a possible deal to end the war and reopen the Strait was imminent.

after all, it’s nearly the end of the week, and those markets aren’t going to manipulate themselves.

but then like 30 seconds later,

The U.S. military said it struck Iranian military facilities and other targets after, it said, Iran fired on U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz.

what the fuck is going on in the Middle East? ‘exchanging fire’ doesn’t sound very ‘truce-y’ to me — and it didn’t sound very truce-y to a reporter who caught up with Donny later in the day.

reporter: “after these strikes is the ceasefire with Iran still on?”

Donny: “yeah, it is.”

the ceasefire is still on, because words stopped having meanings in the Donnyverse years ago. I’m so old, I remember when a ‘ceasefire’meant that all parties ‘ceased firing.’

Donny: “they trifled with us today. we blew ’em away. they trifled. I call that a trifle. I’ll let you know when there’s no cease— you won’t have to know. if there’s no cease fire, you’re not going to have to know, you’re just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. and they better sign their agreement fast.”

excuse me, a big fucking glow? did Donny just threaten to nuke Iran? he did, didn’t he?

what the fuck is wrong with this maniac?

this is all so incoherent. one minute we’re told that a deal is imminent — and then the next minute, missiles are flying everywhere. could everyone please stop getting shot?

and then to top it off, here comes Donny, and he’s all ‘Iran’s gonna be glowing. get it? get it?’

I know that Donny imagines this makes him sound like the ultimate tough guy, but it doesn’t. he just sounds weak and stupid, and his threats accomplish nothing. every time the fucking idiot says something like this, Iran just gets up and walks away from the negotiating table. it’s how they’ve reacted to every one of Donny’s infantile threats — and Donny would understand that by now, if the demented imbecile had any capacity to learn.

has anyone checked the prediction markets? I’ll bet there’s someone out there who’s going to make a total killing on any nuclear conflagration.

we def need a palate cleanse after all that. I don’t know who created this image, but they just won the entire internet.

meanwhile, good news, everyone! we’re all going to die of hantavirus.

reporter: “can I ask you about the hantavirus? have you been briefed on the virus?”

Donny: “yes, I have.”

reporter: “can you tell us what you’ve learned in these briefings?”

Donny: “well, I think you’re going to be told everything, and you already have. uhhhh, it’s very much, we hope under control. it was the— ship. and I think we’re gonna make a full report about it tomorrow. we have— a lotta people. it’s a lotta great people, are studying it. it should be— fine. we hope.”

reporter: “are you concerned it’s going to spread?”

Donny: “I hope not, I mean I hope not.”

oh joy, Donny hopes not. rest easy, everyone — the guy who tried to wishful-think a pandemic out of existence six years ago is on the case.

Donny’s got a ‘lotta great people’ who are ‘studying it.’ big, strong, teary-eyed virologists, who are definitely in the room with us right now.

why does hearing this from Donny this fill me with zero confidence?

I don’t know about you, but I’m so glad that I have boxes and boxes of masks and gloves left over from the covid era.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

0 Comments

Posted on

How Much Longer Will We Have To Suffer Before They 25th Amendment Him?

of the myriad accomplishments that Preznit Fuckwit has accomplished during an entire lifetime of accomplishments, none fill him with a greater sense of pride than his preternatural ability to point at shit.

big, strong neurologists — the afternoon sun glistening off their massive biceps, copious tears of gratitude coursing down their chiseled cheeks — will come up to Dear Leader and say ‘sir! sir! no one takes a brain damage assessment test like you do! sir! can you please take another one? sir!’

and Donny, he’s so eager to show off his skills, he’s all ‘what do you need me to point at, bro? a squirrel?’

boom! manifested!

“no president has ever taken [a cognitive test] except me. I’ve taken three of them. I’ve aced each one. one in the first administration. two over— and whenever they get a little sassy, like ‘does he still have it?’, I say all right, I’ll take another. and they are hard. you know, the first question is very easy, and they always show the first question. you have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a what’s another good— a squirrel, okay? ‘which is the squirrel?’”

know why Dear Leader is so goddamned proficient at pointing at squirrels?

it’s because has has a whole family of them living inside his big dumb pumpkin head.

how completely fucking insane is it that bragging about how good he is at pointing at shit has now become a central part of every one of Donny’s public appearances?

it no longer matters who Donny’s speaking in front of, or what the topic is. his prowess at pointing now comes up every single time he opens his rancid anus-mouth. yesterday’s Oval Bordello dog-and-pony show was ostensibly a ‘small business summit.’ there was no possible context for yammering about squirrels, but that didn’t stop Donny from boasting about taking a test that’s only administered to people suspected of having brain damage.

it’s just more perfectly normal stuff from our perfectly normal president — except for the part where none of this is normal, and all of it is insane. having a crazypants president is not sustainable. alarm bells should be going off in Congress and in every newsroom in America right now — and yet, our institutions have one again failed us, and have normalized having a deranged and impaired president.

oh, and by the way — there’s no squirrel in the MOCA assessment test. remember harder, dumbfuck.

no president has ever worked so tirelessly to convince the American people that he isn’t bugfuck nuts — and you know what? no one’s buying it.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you step in here and give Donny the bad news?

According to a new Washington Post–ABC News–Ipsos poll, fifty-nine percent of Americans believe President Donald J. Trump does not have the mental sharpness necessary to lead the country. Fifty-five percent think he does not have the physical health to serve as president. Fifty-four percent say they don’t think Trump is a strong leader. Sixty-seven percent think Trump doesn’t carefully consider important decisions.

sorry, pal. it looks like no one’s falling for your ‘I’m so good at squirrel’routine.

gee, I wonder where so many people got the idea that Donny’s an erratic imbecile. maybe it’s because he acts like one.

pretending he’s a ‘trans weightlifter’ is also now a regular part of Donny’s act. why? all he’s doing is reminding everyone that he’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

and it’s not just the weird-ass raving. Donny’s now at the ‘words, do they even exist’ stage of his cognitive collapse.

“on the way back home, take a trip to the reflecting pond, or— they call it the reflecting pool, some people call it the reflecting lake, but the word ‘reflecting’ is always a part of it. they call it different things but ‘reflecting’ is always a part.”

what the actual fuck? no one on the planet calls it the ‘pond’ or the ‘lake’ — it’s been the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool since it was built in 1922. but since Dear Leader can no longer dredge the proper word from the murky depths of his rotting brain, he has to pretend that nobody can agree on what it’s called. I guess it’s now just some linguistic free-for-all.

maybe we should call it the Squirrel Pond and let Donny brag about how he can point at it.

I’m so old, I can remember all the way back to our previous president. when Joe Biden would occasionally stumble over a word, the press would react as if it were the Fall of the Republic, and demand Joe resign on the spot, for the good of the country.

but Donny has somehow earned a lifetime free pass to stand there with his brain visibly leaking out of his ears, and no one in the media says boo.

wake the fuck up, Jake Tapper.

Dear Leader can point to all the squirrels he wants to and claim it’s proof of his mental stability, but everyone can see how an erratic and irrational Donny changes his mind about Iran every single fucking day.

“President Trump tells Fox if US ships are targeted in the region, Iran will be ‘blown off the face of the earth’”

oh, okay. so Donny’s back to threatening to blow an entire country off the face of the earth. perfectly normal stuff.

for those of you keeping score at home, in just the last four days, we’ve gone from ‘hostilities are over, I pinky-swear it’s true’ to ‘that blockade, it’s a friendly blockade’ —

— to ‘everything’s cool, we’re liberating the Strait,’ to ‘we’re gong to blow these fucking fucks to kingdom come.’

it’s not just the batshit ranting that has Donny’s poll numbers in the shitter. everyone can also see that Donny’s a physically deteriorating mess who can no longer walk a simple straight line.

holy fuck. a meandering Donny changes direction about eight times in this 30-second clip. if you were a cop, you would immediately rush over and administer a field sobriety test.

granted, Donny isn’t quite yet at the ‘ministry of silly walks’ phase — but he’s getting there.

the press can sanewash and healthwash Donny all they want, but the public has eyes and ears and they can witness for themselves that Dear Leader is out there where the buses don’t run.

having a deranged chief executive who threatens to destroy entire countries and can no longer remember what words mean is a clear and present danger to the entire world.

here’s the good news: Donny’s massive unpopularity is dragging down his entire party. even the White House recognizes that a bloodbath is coming.

The White House is forecasting a rough November for congressional Republicans.

In private briefings, attorneys at the White House Counsel’s Office are preparing executive branch staff for a blue wave in the 2026 elections, The Washington Post reported Monday.

let’s make this happen. let’s all work to make the White House’s nightmare a reality. then, a Democratic-controlled Congress can at least begin to restore sanity to Washington.

we can do this.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

0 Comments

Posted on

The Week In Stupid

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: he likes them what?

frankly, I think it’s nice that our piss-drunk Secretary of Death was able to take some time off from his busy schedule of gleefully dropping bombs on Iranian schoolgirls to have a playdate with that noise-adjacent caterwauler, Too Old To Be A Kid Too Impaired To Rock.

the question must be asked: what in the actual small-batch artisanal fuck?

who thought this was an acceptable idea? why is it that our government never has any money when people need healthcare, or when children need a simple hot school lunch, but whenever some shrieking washed-up never-waswants to take a seven-thousand-dollar-an-hour joyride in an attack helicopter, the Donnysphere bends over backwards to accommodate him?

fix America’s actual problems first, you shit-kazoos. then you can waste all the money you want on performative dumbfuckery.

now tell me this: what wisdom could Piss Right Off, You’re Not A Kid possibly be imparting to the assembled crowd in the Pentagon press room?

maybe he’s reciting the lyrics to his charming song, Cool Daddy Cool.

young ladies, young ladies
I like ’em underage
see some say that’s statutory
but I say that’s mandatory

I’ll bet Jeffrey Epstein fucking loved that ditty.

I have a suggestion: if Not A Kid is so horny to do warmonger cosplay, let him enlist and go off to fight in Donny and Petey’s don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran.

no, wait. that would require actual courage.

oh and, Not Even Close To Being A Kid, can we talk? the next time Piss-Drunk Pete rings you up and asks you if you want to hang, tell him you’ve always wanted to go skateboarding with him. trust me. will be wild.

tuesday: kai yi yi

folks, pour one out for Preznit Fuckwit’s granddaughter Kai. she’s going through some things right now.

“I mean, hey. people— some people don’t like me, I mean 50 % of the world doesn’t like me because of my last name. one time I was out in public and someone literally walked up to me to tell me that my grandpa sucks.”

folks, how sad it is that the grifting grifter who has gone into the family business of selling merch and profiting off her famous name is catching shit for it?

Mayor Mamdani, can you and Ms. Rachel step in here for a moment and do us a solid?

thanks, guys.

now let’s do a quick fact check: does Kai’s grandfather suck?

apparently, yes.

I see two paths forward for Kai Trump at this point. one would be to do what Josef Stalin’s daughter Svetlana did — she solved that ‘your dad kinda sucks’ shit in a hot second by changing her name to Lana Peters and moving to Wisconsin, of all places. I shit you not.

or wait — even better, Kai could be like her first cousin once removed, Mary. when strangers come up to Mary Trump and tell her that her uncle totally fucking sucks, she high-fives them and is all ‘you don’t know the half of it.’

wednesday: she should have turned him into a human being

Christofascist hate-factory Joel Webbon is such a charmer.

“you look at Paula White, the chief faith advisor to Donald Trump, you look at some of the clips of her rolling on the ground, waving a coat and trying to slay people in the spirit, and ‘riririririririri’ speaking in tongues, she’s a witch. she’s a witch. she’s not just a Christian with some bad theology. she’s a wolf, she’s a false teacher — but even more than that, as a woman, I think that it is technically accurate to say she is … a witch.”

okay, let’s grant that Mister Stopped Clock here is right about a few things: Paula White is in fact a grifting charlatan who pretends to speak in tongues and has Donny Convict totally bamboozled.

but is she actually a witch?

well, Wytchfinder Joel has proof of Paula White’s witching witchery: she turned him into a newt — but don’t worry, folks. he got better.

thursday: all that glitters

wingnut screech-monkey Lance Wallnau has a few things he needs to get off his somewhat sparkly chest.

“let’s face it, most of the media’s left. it’s not evenly divided. you got, I saw Politico, and The New York Times—”

wait, wait, hang on. I’m sorry, I drifted off and stopped listening to Lance almost immediately, because I got distracted by— dude, what on god’s green shit-tangle are you wearing?

did you crash your car into a glitter factory on your way to the studio? have you been moonlighting at drag queen story hours?

bro, I’ve got Liberace on the phone. he says to tone it way the fuck down.

you’re giving him a headache.

friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™

for once in his chaotic, look-at-me-look-at-me life, some fucking idiot actually had a quiet morning. there were no public appearances on his official schedule, and the feed on his crappy app stayed relatively free of batshittery.

it wasn’t under later in the afternoon that the fucking idiot popped out of his spider hole to inflict himself upon the world.

at 3pm, the fucking idiot addressed an audience from the Florida retirement community The Villages.

he played ‘Live and Let Die,’ which is a totally appropriate song to play for the extreme elderly.

the amost-80-year-old, gripping the podium for dear life, both hands visibly rotting, blithered about being ‘young, vital and vibrant.’

the fucking idiot bragged about being the shittiest boss ever.

the fucking idiot also committed a racism, because of course he did.

fact check: Ilhan Omar did not marry her brother. that’s a racist lie that racists like to tell because racists suck.

once again, the fucking idiot bragged about acing the test they only give you if they have a good reason to suspect you have brain damage, by successfully pointing to a drawing of a camel — oh no, wait, this time it was a bear.

tell me, were percentages on the fucking idiot’s dementia test? I’m guessing not.

finally, the fucking idiot cautioned against his own presidency.

trust us, homey, we all understand what it’s like to be stuck with a president who’s a moron.

mere mortals would have been exhausted after all that — but the fucking idiot isn’t like you or me. he still had some gas left in the tank. between eleven pm and midnight, the fucking idiot started shitting lunacy onto his crappy app.

what kind of fucking idiot would think it appropriate to joke about swimming in the Reflecting Pool? the fucking idiot kind, that’s who.

also, in your dreams you’re that svelte, you floating sack of shit.

oh look, the losing loser who’s lost his war in Iran is imaging he’s a winner.

the only cards you hold are jokers, dumbfuck.

and of all the things that are never going to happen, this next one is never going to happen the most.

now, because it was the middle of the night and the fucking idiot was holed up all alone in his vermin-infested Florida golf motel, not one reporter was around to stand up and ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

0 Comments

Posted on

Friday Tiedrich

I’m so tired of being told that Preznit Fuckwit — a quadrice-indicted twice-impeached once-convicted popular-vote-losing adderall-huffing dead-pedo-bestie-schmoozing East-Wing-destroying insurrection-leading ear-diapering testimony-ducking judge-threatening lawyer-ignoring debate-avoiding witness-tampering disabled-veteran-dishonoring inheritance-squandering rube-fleecing clown-makeup-smearing language-mangling sneaker-hawking serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting butler-bullying daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming bone-spur-faking ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving golf-cheating stock-manipulating weather-map-defacing war-criminal-pardoning horse-paste-promoting paper-towel-flinging race-baiting tax-evading evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering diaper-filling 34-count 79-year-old fluorescent-tangerine narcoleptic fart factory — is some kind of second coming of Jesus.

check out Troy Nehls, the doughy pantload who the voters of Texas keep sending back to Congress.

“I believe that Donald Trump is better than sliced bread. I think he’s— he’s almost the second coming.”

nice catch there, Troy, sticking that ‘almost’ in there. we wouldn’t want any ethereal lightning bolts hurled down from above, aimed squarely at our ass, would we?

I’ve got a news flash for Troy, and all these other Republican fucksticks who never stop yammering about how Dear Leader walks on water: Donny is not the messiah. he’s a very naughty boy. now go away.

let’s do a bit of a fact check. here are some highlights from the dog-and-pony show Donny held in the Oval Bordello yesterday.

tell me, would a true messiah never shut his big fat yap about crowd size?

that’s where Martin Luther King gave his— great speech. and he had a million people, and— I had the same exact crowd, maybe a little bit more, but they said I had twenty-five thousand people on July 4th. I have pictures of Martin Luther King’s crowd, my crowd, exact same— everything. but it was seventy years difference. the exact same crowd, but— I actually had more people, but that’s okay. they gave him— they gave him a million people, they said a million people but I had twenty-five thousand people, so, but— these are the things that you get with the— we had on July 4th uhhhh, a few years ago. first term.”

I’m no Biblical scholar, but I’m pretty sure that Jesus never bragged about the crowd size for the Sermon on the Mount — and let’s not forget, the attendance for that sucker was ginormous. the Sermon crowd was so huge that people in the back couldn’t even properly make out what he was saying.

a real messiah would be humble about that shit, and not wave photos at every opportunity. ‘see this crowd? Pontius Pilate’s autopen wishes he could get that many people.’

Donny sure is jealous of the accomplishments of black men, isn’t he? how small and petty is he, that he can’t even mention King’s speech without insisting that his own crowd was just as big — no, wait, it was bigger! — and that he never got proper recognition for it. shut the fuck up, you tiny, insecure gnat.

how hilarious is it that back in the 1970s, Donny and his tyrant Klansman father got fined by the federal government for refusing to rent any of their apartments to black people — and now, black people like Barack Obama and Martin Luther King Jr live rent-free in Donny’s head?

now I ask you, would a true messiah fall asleep at 3:30 in the afternoon, filling the Oval Bordello with the pungent aroma of ass music?

look at this narcoleptic old coot. he can’t hack it.

what in the actual fuck is going on here? Donny is out like a fucking light — and it looks like he’s about to slide off his chair and disappear under the Resolute Desk. won’t anybody help this frail old man? won’t someone get Dear Leader his pudding cup and lead him to bed?

this, by the way, is why Donny’s handlers kept him hidden from the press all week — he’s crashing out, hard. he can no longer handle the rigors of the presidency.

a real King of Kings wouldn’t be pulling that ‘I’m such a sleepy boy’ crap in the middle of the day — not when there are multitudes to be fed. a true messiah would be on that shit.

consider this: the math involved in figuring out how to divvy up one fish and one loaf into— into— hey, how many is ‘a multitude,’ anyway? look, my point is that a real messiah wouldn’t fail basic fourth-grade arithmetic.

the Apostle Brainworms: “[Elizabeth Warren] was ridiculing President Trump for his math. she was saying it’s mathematically impossible to have a drug drop by 600% in cost. I said ‘well, if the drug was $100 and it raises the price to $600, that would be a 600% rise. well, if it drops from $600 to $100, that’s a 600% savings.’”

Donny: “right.”

imagine being this proud of being this ass-clownishly stupid. that’s not the way calculating percentages works, yet Donny and his disciples are doubling down on their dumbfuckery.

an actual messiah wouldn’t need community notes.

a true Light of the World would put down the lamb, pick up a calculator, crunch the numbers and go ‘huh, I guess you’re right.’

a real messiah learns.

I should point out once again that I’m no Biblical scholar — but I’m pretty sure that Jesus never got pissy with a scribe from the Nazareth News Network.

reporter: “what do you say to the American people who question how much longer this will take? obviously you know they’re having higher gas prices.”

Donny: “you’re such a disgrace. did you hear what I just said? how many years was Vietnam?”

oh, now that’s a winning argument, for sure. go right ahead and keep comparing the debacle in Iran to the clusterfuck in Vietnam. I’m sure that’s a pairing that the American people really want to have in their minds right now, as everything goes to shit.

a messiah wouldn’t call someone ‘a disgrace’ just for asking a question. a real Fisher of Men would give a wink and a thumb’s up while convivially winning all doubters over to his side.

but wait — there’s more.

reporter: “does that mean Americans should anticipate spending more on gasoline for the foreseeable future?”

Donny: “for a little while. you know what they get for that? Iran without a nuclear weapon that’s going to try and blow up one of our cities or blow up the entire Middle East. the stock market is at an all time high.”

reporter: “but that doesn’t drive prices down.”

Donny: “let me finish, wise guy.”

there’s nothing in the Biblical record about the Prince of Peace being a thin-skinned piss-baby — and I’m pretty sure that no one had to hold a What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ for the ancient scribes of the Lamb of God Press Pool.

so let’s recap.

Jesus: humble as fuck.
Dear Leader: insecure braggart.

Jesus: alert and on the job.
Dear Leader: narcoleptic old fart factory.

Jesus: generous and giving.
Dear Leader: can’t math his way out of a paper bag.

Jesus: patient and kind.
Dear Leader: crabby and short-tempered.

so, it looks like my original premise stands. Preznit Fuckwit is not the messiah. he’s a very naughty boy.

your honor, I rest my case.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

Donny Convict is bugfuck nuts.

you know it, and I know it — but do you know who else knows it? all the president’s flunkies. they have to continually come up with new ways to deal with his crazypants shit on a daily basis.

here’s a perfectly normal thing that happened with our perfectly normal president.

recently, Donny was acting so erratically while military leaders were planning a rescue operation in Iran, that big strong aides with tears in their eyes had to go up to him and say, ‘sir! sir! why don’t you go play in traffic?’

I shit you not. according to a report in the Wall Street Journal, Donny actually got banned from the command room.

Aides kept the president out of the room as they got minute-by-minute updates because they believed his impatience wouldn’t be helpful, instead updating him at meaningful moments, a senior administration official said.

that’s right: Donny’s handlers had to keep him far away from what was going on, because he was so out of control that they were afraid he would fuck everything up.

can you imagine any other president in recent memory getting eighty-sixed from the center of operations? no, you can’t. it’s practically unthinkable.

here’s how that shit went down. remember that Good Friday incident, when Iran shot down an American jet, and nobody knew what had happened to the pilots? it turns that when he was given the news, Donny shat a massive brick

It was Good Friday afternoon in a nearly empty West Wing soon after the president learned that an American jet had been shot down in Iran, with two airmen missing. Trump screamed at aides for hours.

because everyone knows that the best way to motivate your staff is to get right up into their faces and just fucking unload on them for hours on end. Donny really is the boss from hell.

am I the only one getting ‘Hitler in the bunker’ vibes from Donny’s meltdown?

oh my god, can you imagine having this colicky piss-baby screaming at you for literal hours? no amount of money in the world could be worth having the rancid fecal-breath of that malignant toad being blown in your face as you endured the latest in an infinite series of dressing-downs — not to mention all the hurled ketchup bottles one would eternally be ducking.

seriously, you couldn’t pay me enough. if it were me on the receiving end of one of Donny’s tirades, I’d be all ‘how about you go fuck yourself, Shouty Boy?’

do know why Donny completely lost his shit? because he was worried that news of a downed jet would make him look bad.

“If you look at what happened with Jimmy Carter…with the helicopters and the hostages, it cost them the election,” Trump had said in March. “What a mess.”

picture it: generals with actual combat experience are trying to figure out the best way to bring pilots back from behind enemy lines, and this fucking lunatic is screaming about Jimmy Carter and the price of gas, as if an entire rescue operation was all just some big plot to inconvenience him — because Donny always has to make everything about himself.

oh, and get a load of this.

At one point he even mused he should award himself the nation’s highest military honor, the Medal of Honor.

FOR WHAT? my god, everyone who had to sit there and eat Donny’s shit while he screamed at them without end, they’re the ones who deserve the Medal of Honor.

sorry, Donny — you don’t get a Medal of Honor. what you get is the Four Seasons Total Prancing About Like A Complete Unhinged Fuckface Prize.

just to remind everyone, here’s how a president is supposed to act during a critical military operation.

that was Obama, in the Situation Room while Osama bin Laden was being taken out. notice how he’s not screaming in anyone’s faces about GET THIS FUCKING THING DONE ALREADY. nor is he ranting and raving about how bad he’ll look if shit goes sideways. he’s just a calm, rational dude.

but now we’ve normalized crazy. Donny pulls this childish crap on a daily basis, making a mockery of sane governance, and everyone is all just ‘well, okay. that happened.’

here’s a fun thing for All The President’s Toadies to consider: if you can ban a president from a command room for being too much of a raging lunatic, you can 25th Amendment him from the presidency for the exact same reason.

this deranged fucking maniac is back to calling for the complete destruction of Iran’s infrastructure.

“We’re offering a very fair and reasonable DEAL, and I hope they take it because, if they don’t, the United States is going to knock out every single Power Plant, and every single Bridge, in Iran. NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!”

no more mister nice guy? when was Preznit Fuckwit ever a nice guy?

and oh look, now Donny’s doing his usual Sunday afternoon market manipulation, claiming out of the clear blue that he’s on the verge of another deal with Iran — and, once again, the press dutifully reports it without first bothering to ask Iran if it’s true.

spoiler alert: it’s not true.

all of this is bugfuck nuts. in the span of hours, Donny pinballs from threatening to blow everything sky high, to calmly announcing another imaginary deal.

none of this is normal — and all of it is insane.

here’s a serious question for Donny’s handlers: what’s the plan here? for everyone to just cross their fingers and hope Donny doesn’t eventually call for nukes? are they just hoping Donny somehow magically gets better?

free clue: Donny isn’t going to get better. dementia doesn’t magically cure itself overnight. neither does malignant narcissism, or delusions of grandeur, or compulsive lying, or the need to be worshiped, or any of the thousand pathologies and personality defects that Dear Leader suffers from.

he’s just going to get worse. today, it’s banning Donny from the command room. what’s Dear Leader going to need to be prevented from doing tomorrow?

so let’s go. 25th Amendment now. it’s the only rational solution to the problem of an insane chief executive.

we’ll take our chances with the furniture fucker.

happy Kash Patel is Suing The Atlantic Day to all who observe.

here’s Two-Drinks-Minimum Kash yesterday, shitfaced as usual on Maria Bartiromo’s show.

Maria Bartiromo: “the Atlantic Magazine is alleging that you have a drinking problem. what is your response this morning to this article?”

Krazee-Eyes Kash: “the results, I say, speak for themselves. if the fake news mafia isn’t hitting you personally with baseless information in Washington DC, then you’re not going you job. and it’s louder than ever, because this FBI, under President Leadership …”

Kash goes on to filibuster Bartiromo’s question for a solid two minutes without ever actually denying that any of his ahem alleged blackout-drunk escapades happened.

nice job of deflection, bro.

Kash says he’ll be filing his defamation suit against The Atlantic today. here we have some file footage of a definitely sober Kash, strategizing with his ace team of lawyers.

whoops! wrong footage.

and now, here’s your hero of the day: this fucking duck.

I have no idea what the duck did to deserve this, but remember: if you can 25th Amendment a duck from a store, you can 25th Amendment a lunatic from the presidency.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

Screenshot

once again, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that I don’t even know where to start. so today, I’m just going to spin the Big Wheel of Moron™ and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

“as we all know, the natural habitat for the Earth is actually water.”

that was Donny Convict’s Secretary of Moneygrubbing, Soybean Scott Bessent, pooh-poohing the idea that climate change is bad. as Bessent tells it, no one should worry about the rapid melting of the polar ice caps, because ‘the natural habitat for the Earth is actually water.’

dear lord, this shitwit is seriously advocating for Waterworld, one of the dumbest fucking movies ever.

Scott Bessent is so smug and pompous — and supremely self-assured — as he farts out one of the most imbecilic things you’ll ever hear in your life.

do you know why Soybean Scott is so confidently idiotic? it’s because he suffers from the heartbreak of fuckbrainoligarchosis, a malady where just because a person manages to accumulate a pile of money, they imagine they’re super-geniuses about everything.

in that clip above, Soybean Scott was speaking at the Institute of International Finance, which is sort of a support group where those afflicted by fuckbrainoligarchosis can get together and share their delusions of intelligence.

basically, the Institute of International Finance is what would happen if Monty Python’s Upper Class Twit of the Year sketch became a real boy.

oh, and fact check:

apparently, water isn’t the only liquid on Soybean Scott’s mind these days.

“as President Trump said this morning that he thinks we’re nearing the end. the US kept their side on the cease fire. we’ve stopped firing. the Straits of Vermouth have not been completely reopened.”

the Straits of Vermouth! I fucking love that. that is a Freudian slip for the ages. I’ll bet that’s what Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand calls it, too.

that’s not, however, what Preznit Fuckwit calls it.

“Italy gets a lot of oil from— the— Strait. you can call it the Strait of Hormuz or the— Hormuz Strait. I said ‘which is better?’ they said ‘either is okay, but you can call it either one. the only thing you can’t call it is the ‘Trump Strait.’ they don’t like that idea.”

wait a minute — who are ‘they’, who Donny’s been in deep conversation with about ‘what to you call that watery thing next to Iran’? has he been talking to the random shrieking noises in his head? or maybe the family of raccoons that live up there?

and believe you me, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is dead serious about wanting to call it the ‘Trump Strait.’ he doesn’t crack any smile whatsoever when he says it, and then he goes on to brag about —

“by the way, speaking of that, I did a thing that people like very much, except for Mexico. I took the Gulf of Mexico and we now call it the Gulf of America. it’s not bad.”

the deteriorating old shit can’t even focus for five second on the subject at hand — his disastrous don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran — without his demented mind wandering to his Glorious Victory in the Great Renaming War of 2025.

oh, and pro tip: it’s not the Gulf of America. it’s the Gulf of Release the Full Unedited Epstein Files, You Fucking Liar.

well, that was fun — so let’s take another spin on the Big Wheel of Moron™. here we go!

because Dear Leader is mad at the Pope, now the entire Presidential Ass-Kiss Industrial Complex has be mad at the Pope, too.

Holy Mike Johnson, the limpest dick in Congress, knows what I’m talking about.

“a pontiff or any religious leader can say anything they want, but obviously if you wade into political waters, you should expect some political response and I think the Pope has received some of that. you know, I was taken a little bit aback, just honestly, frankly, by something that was said, I think he said it several days back, something about ‘those who engage in war, Jesus doesn’t hear their prayers’ or something. you know, it is a very well-settled matter of Christian theology, there’s something called the ‘just war’ doctrine.”

oh look — just like Couchfuck McGee, Holy Mike Johnson knows more about popery than all the popes.

I have a question: what sick pleasure does it bring Holy Mike to neuter himself on a daily basis, in service of Dear Leader? it’s like the guy never allows himself a single independent thought. whatever Donny decides on any given day, that’s totes aces with Mike. doesn’t matter if it’s a complete one-eighty from whatever Commander Crazypants said yesterday.

hey, Holy Mike — is this you?

it’s so galling, watching all these hypocrites telling the Pope to zip his fool mouth about religion, if he knows what’s good for him. these are the people who have never once shut the fuck up about how there needs to be more religion in government. these are the same loudmouth zealots who are so horny to force their vision of prayer in the schools — and the Ten Commandments in every classroom — on We the People.

but the second the Pope is all ‘maybe sometimes war is bad and stuff,’they’re all WAIT A MINUTE, WE DIDN’T MEAN RELIGION LIKE THAT.

and so now — just because Pope Chicago Bob was mean to Dear Leader — suddenly it’s open season on Catholics in America.

The Trump Admin has abruptly canceled an $11M contract with Catholic Charities to shelter and care for migrant children who enter the U.S. alone, ending a relationship between the Catholic Church and the U.S. government dating back to the first arrivals of Cuban exiles in South Florida.”

lovely. Donny — the swindler who set up a bogus charity so he could steal money raised in the name of cancer-stricken children — is now punishing a legitimate charity that does actual good work, all because he’s a thin-skinned, vindictive piss-baby prick.

welcome to the United State of Eternal Fucking Embarrassment.

okay, let’s give that Big Wheel of Moron™ one final spin.

“we got these third-world people coming here, these Muslims. you know, they call it a religion. what religion do you know that says ‘if you’re not in our religion, we’re gonna kill ya. and we want you dead’? that’s not a religion. that’s a cult. they took over Europe. it’s gone.”

hey, Tom-Toms, you want to about a cult? because oh boy, do I have a cult for you.

‘the Muslims took over Europe, and its gone’? what the fuck is Terminally-Concussed Tommy talking about?

now, because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘the Muslims took over Europe’ and this is what I learned.

In 711, a Berber-led army under Tariq ibn Ziyad invaded and conquered most of modern-day Spain and Portugal in a seven-year campaign. Muslim rule flourished there for nearly 800 years until the fall of Granada in 1492.

bro, relax. that was thirteen hundred years ago — I’m pretty sure Spain and Portugal came out of it just fine.

fuck all that noise, because it’s time for our hero of the day: New York’s Islamo-communo-marxo-anarcho-fascist Mayor, Zohran Mamdani.

yesterday was April 15th — and in honor of Tax Day, Mayor Mamdani posted this vid to social media.

“when I ran for mayor, I said I was going to tax the rich. well, today we’re taxing the rich. I’m thrilled to announce we’ve secured a pied-a-tierre tax — the first in New York’s history. this is an annual fee on luxury properties worth more then $5 million whose owners do not live full-time in the city. like this penthouse, which hedge fund CEO Ken Griffin bought for $238 million. this pied-a-tierre tax is specifically designed for the richest of the rich. those who store their wealth in New York City real estate, but who don’t actually live here. and most of the time, these units are sitting empty, since, again, they don’t actually live here.”

I fucking love Mamdani. he’s so charming and charismatic — and he’s so freaking good at messaging.

no wonder the oligarchy hates Zohran’s guts. boo fucking hoo, oligarchs.

the morbidly wealthy call this luxury tax a nightmare. I call it a good start — because taxing billionaires out of existence is one sure cure for the heartbreak of fuckbrainoligarchosis.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

United States Vice President Couchfuck McGee has been on quite the roll lately.

he spent an entire week in Hungary, campaigning for Dear Leader’s despot bestie Viktor Orbán — only for Vik to end up getting crushed in a historic landslide.

his attempt to wangle some kind of peace deal with Iran was a clownfucktacular disaster. after just one day of getting his smug, insufferable ass handed to him, he bailed and went home.

the latest stop on the JD Vance Worldwide Self-Humiliation Tour was the Akins Ford Arena in Athens, Georgia, and — well, you can see for yourself just how swimmingly that debacle went.

ooof. that is pathetic. look at the sections upon sections upon sections of empty seats. it’s a ghost town.we definitely need to gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

whoever had the bright idea to book an 8,500-seat hockey arena for an evening with the most-repellent person in American politics really deserves the Four Seasons Total Landscaping Completely Shat The Bed Prize.

for fuck’s sake, they could have held the event in any one of Athens’ numerous doughnut shops, and it would have been a more appropriately-sized venue.

‘so, how long have you been coming to see me speak? HA HA, THAT’S GREAT.’

but it’s a shame that more people didn’t show for the event, because they really missed out on a crowning moment of supreme arrogance. hey, did you know that Couchfuck McGee knows more about popery than all the popes?

it’s true!

“I think it’s very important [for the Pope] to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.”

‘the Pope needs to stop mouthing off about religion’ is a bold strategy for Vance. let’s see if it pays off for him.

even The New York Times was forced to commit a journalism.

that’s a hell of a headline, isn’t it?

you know, it’s kind of inaccurate to frame the piss-baby bellyaching that Donny and Couchfuck are engaging in as some kind of ‘feud’ they’re having with the Pope. it’s not. these dumbfucks are mental pipsqueaks. they’re not operating on the same level as Pope Chicago Bob.

it’s only a feud in the same way that you or I might ‘feud’ with two annoying gnats buzzing around our face.

the unearned arrogance of Donny and his sewer clowns is stunning.

with every single member of Preznit Fuckwit’s administration, it’s as if Dunning and Kruger had a baby — and then dropped it on its head. not one of these shitwits has any idea just how totally fucking brainless they are.

Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, a Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown, imagines he knows more about warfighting than all the generals who have studied military strategy their entire lives — and look where Pete’s unwavering faith in his own nonexistent genius has gotten us: bogged down in an unwinnable don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war in Iran.

chainsawed-whale-head enthusiast Bobby Brainworms Jr. believes he knows more about germ theory than all the actual scientists. in reality, he’s the Marvelous Mister Measles.

Donny, of course, lives in a magical, enchanted fever-swamp fairyland where he knows more about everything than everybody. anyone who falls for this patently ludicrous nonsense has been licking toads.

and now, the repulsive furniture fucker JD Vance has the temerity to lecture the Pope — the person who Catholics believe is God’s infallible representative on Earth — on theology.

the unearned and serene confidence of mediocre white men like Couchfuck McGee is stunning. if only there were some way to tap it, it could be an infinite source of cheap, renewable energy.

hang on — Captain Obvious has something else he needs to get off his chest.

“people don’t have any idea how bad the corruption is in Washington DC.”

of course, Couchfuck want you to believe that corruption in DC is a Democratic issue. fuck off, JD — We the People know exactly where the corruption in DC is. we see it every day. we see it when the Republican-controlled Congress abdicates their Constitutionally-mandated responsibility to act as a check on a power-mad president.

we see it when the Republican-controlled Supreme Court declares that Dear Leader is a Very Special Boy Who Gets To Crime All He Wants.

we see it when Donny’s own Department of What Used To Be Justice uses its power to suppress the Dead Pedo Bestie Files.

we see it when this wine-guzzling cow-cosplaying weirdo imagines her job is to prosecute all of Dear Leader’s political enemies.

we see it when Tom Homan gets caught on video accepting bags of cash from undercover agents, and then the whole thing mysteriously goes fuckity-bye.

and we see it when Dear Leader uses the power of his office to enrich himself, selling everything from access to pardons to fucked-up trading cards of himself as a super-hero.

so fuck all the way off, JD Vance — if that even is your real name — when you get all high and mighty about ‘corruption in DC.’ go clean up your own house first.

you know what? I think the time has come for someone to 25th Amendment the shit out of Donny, and replace him with Couchfuck McGee.

think about it: a Vance presidency would be an immediate failure. he’s repulsive. nobody likes him. he’s boring. he’s impotent. he holds no sway over the media. nobody in Congress fears him.

he has no violent army of deranged cultists willing to break the law for him.

and we’d never have to worry about JD Vance ordering a nuclear strike on someone because he woke up in a bad mood.

he’d simply be a placeholder until the next Democratic president.

seriously, 25th Amendment Donny and bring this guy on.

and speaking of the 25th Amendment —

Rep. Jamie Raskin of Maryland, the top Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee, introduced a bill on Tuesday that seeks to kick-start the removal of President Donald Trump through the 25th Amendment — a long-shot effort that, while unlikely to succeed, aims to put renewed focus on the president’s mental fitness and recent rhetoric.

The legislation, which was offered with 50 Democratic co-sponsors, would establish a Commission on Presidential Capacity to Discharge the Powers and Duties of Office. That body would be composed of 17 members tasked with determining whether the president is incapacitated — “either mentally or physically” — and unable to discharge the powers and duties of office, as called for in Section 4 of the 25th Amendment.

I’m not being sarcastic when I say that more of this is exactly what we need right now.

of course, we need be clear-eyed about it. you can’t even call Raskin’s proposed legislation a hail-Mary shot. it hasn’t a snowball’s chance of passing in a Republican-controlled Congress.

but it’s important for Democrats to keep raising the issue of Donny’s steep mental decline, and keep it in the public’s consciousness — especially right now, when Dear Leader is acting so erratically — and fucking up so shittacularly — that even the the hardest-core MAGA cultists are beginning to be all ‘dude, what the fuck?’

it’s all about optics.

it’s necessary for the good of our nation — and the world — that people keep talking about how completely bugfuck nuts Donny is.

and — oh my — look who agrees with me for once: the NY Times.

Trump’s Erratic Behavior and Extreme Comments Revive Mental Health Debate

As President Trump threatens to wipe out Iran and attacks the pope, even some former allies and advisers are questioning whether he has grown increasingly unbalanced, describing him as “lunatic” and “clearly insane.”

welcome to the dark side, Grey Lady. it only took you shit-kazoos ten years to figure out what rest of us saw on Day One.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

 

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

everyone is entitled to my own opinion is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts

Posted on

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: respect? they have an odd way of showing it

lord help us, noises are once again issuing from Fox News found object Jesse Watters’ lips.

“Trump talks like a Persian strongman. that’s the kind of language that they understand. strength, respect, honor.”

look, we know that Jesse Watters has eternally fantasized that his big, strong ‘daddy’ Donny would at long last take off his belt and tan his misbehaving hide. fine, whatever the fuck turns you on, Jesse. who are we to get all judgemental and shit?

but I’d love to know on what planet Donny is regarded as a ‘strongman’ who is ‘respected’ — because I’m sorry to burst Jesse’s bubble here, but Dear Leader is an international laughingstock.

Italian PM Georgia Meloni, can you think of a single world leader who ‘respects’ Donny?

yeah, me neither.

there’s no fucking way that Iran has any respect whatsoever for the diaper-crapping piss-baby in the Oval Bordello. has Jesse Watters not seen the videos they’ve been putting up on Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium? yo Jess, check this out.

yup, that’s some industrial-strength respect for Preznit Teletubby, all right.

here’s another.

nd here’s a third.

and that only scratches the surface. Iran is laughing its ass off at Dear Leader, along with the rest of us.

oh, and because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I wanted to know exactly what a ‘Persian strongman’ is, so I googled it. here’s what I got.

yeah, I think any single one of these homeys could take Donny apart.

you might need a new metaphor there, Jesse.

tuesday: buh-bye

pour one out for the proprietor of the now-shuttered Trump Truth Store in Crystal Lake, Illinois.

apparently,

sales plummeted when conflict with Iran began, with the owner saying business went “dead as a door nail”

okay, my friends, you know the drill — because now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter.

look at the crap that was being foisted on shoppers.

On March 26, Fleischmann revealed on Facebook that her MAGA-themed establishment, which retailed $25 T-shirts displaying, “GOD GUNS AND TRUMP 2024,” “ICE ICE BABY,” and “DEPARTMENT OF DOGE,” will be “closed until further notice.”

oh, so the customers of the ‘Trump Truth Store’ were totally fine with all the fascist ass-clownery being perpetrated by Dear Leader’s goons, and it was only when gas became expensive that wearing Donny-branded shit became toxic?

well then fuck all those fucking fucks.

maybe the Trump Truth Store needs to rebrand. I’d wear the shit out of a Flippy McCrushnuts shirt. you would, too.

wednesday: to see if wut?

christofascist Stew Peters seems nice

“I told you on Day One that young American men would be sent into the meat grinder on the ground to die for Israel. it’s imminent. it’s guaranteed. right now, the White House and the Pentagon are reportedly working on plans to send in American troops along with heavy equipment to steal Iran’s uranium — if they even have any. and while all of that is in the works, Lindsey Graham is on television calling for the expansion of the ongoing air campaign, for the United States to continue committing as many war crimes as possible. we should drop Lindsey Graham right off in the middle of Tehran — to see if these people really do throw queers off of rooftops.”

oh sweet baby Jesus in the manger. Stew was almost making sense there for a while and then it went so hard off the rails right there at the very end.

does Lindsey Graham have any idea that this is what people on his own side think of him? Lindsey? Lindsey?

holy shit.

thursday: let’s shed some light on the subject

Wednesday was a bit intense, so let’s lighten this shit up.

what the fuck happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial — but then she become a full-bore a full-bore conspiracy loon.

remember this?

“I endorsed Pres Donald Trump yesterday. Today all day my phone froze, the cursor on my computer started wandering around the desktop, and my wifi continually disconnected. All coincidentally.”

well, Dr. Wolf’s back, with a burning question about photos of the moon taken from the Artemis II spacecraft.

all that light is coming from space lasers, Naomi.

we Jews have a fuck-ton of them, Naomi, and we’re happy to have done our part to ensure that the Artemis II mission was a roaring success. you need the moon lit up? we’ve got that shit covered!

and while we’re on the subject, can we just revisit the all-time greatest dogwalking of Dr. Wolf? it happened just last week.

that is perfect. chef’s kiss. ten out of ten. no notes.

 

friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™

some fucking idiot’s Friday started, as so many of them do, with him raving incoherently at six o’clock in the morning into his crappy app.

excuse me, but what is the ‘WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL RESET’? is that what the fucking idiot calls having his morning diaper changed?

for the third consecutive day, the fucking idiot’s handlers tried their best to keep him away from the press — but they couldn’t keep the fucking idiot from shitting his delusional batshittery all over social media.

Iran holds no cards? I’m pretty sure that any country who can shut down a major shipping route at will — and trick the fucking idiot into agreeing to it — holds a shitload of cards.

oh look, the fucking idiot is promising to use the ‘full economic might of the United States’ to prop up the failing economy of his depot bestie Orbán’s Hungary.

I have an idea: how about the fucking idiot use the ‘full economic might of the United States’ to help Americans? isn’t the fucking idiot always going on and on about ‘America first’?

and there’s no way the fucking idiot wrote that tweet himself. there’s no chance in hell his rotting fingers know how to type the accent in ‘Orbán.’

now here’s a fun thing we learned on Friday about the fucking idiot. apparently he’s promised to pardon anyone who’s come with ‘200 feet’ of the Oval Bordello.

as one does, when one’s entire administration is made up of corrupt criminal fucksticks. am I right, Tom Homan?

Tom Homan knows I’m right.

oh, and the one time on Friday that the press got managed to get close enough to the fucking idiot to ask him questions — as he was headed to his Florida golf motel — he proved to be as befuddled, out-of-touch and ill-informed as ever.

and, despite that one, brief window of opportunity, not reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

let’s start off with a bang, and put the hero of the day right up top. ladies and gents, I give you the Poet Laureate of No Kings Day.

‘see you later, alligator. at your trial, pedophile’ — now that’s a message we can all get behind.

we did it again, folks. in fact, We the People outdid ourselves. yesterday’s No Kings 3 was the largest single-day protest in U.S. history.

over eight million of us gathered peacefully coast to coast, to rise up as one and convey a singular message: fuck you, you fucking fuck — you’re not our king.

wait, did I say coast to coast? no, it was the entire world telling Donny Convict to fuck straight off.

check out this ginormous crowd in London.

HAPPENING NOW: A HUGE crowd has gathered in London, England for a protest against the far right in coordination with the No Kings day protests in the US

[image or embed]

— alexjungle.bsky.social (@alexjungle.bsky.social) March 28, 2026 at 8:07 AM

and at the Bastille in Paris.

In 1789, furious protesters stormed the Bastille in Paris. This marks the start of the French Revolution that put an end to the highly corrupt, rotten regime of aristocrats and the ultra rich.

Yesterday, thousands joined a #NoKings protest at the Bastille.

[image or embed]

— Hendrik Klaassens #FBPE #FBR #BanX (@aurorablogspot.bsky.social) March 29, 2026 at 2:39 AM

Scotland fucking loathes Donny.

Solidarity from #Scotland. ????????????????????????????????????

#NoKings

[image or embed]

— Dial M for Madeye ???????????????????????????? ???????? ???????????????????????????? (@carnaptiousmadeye.bsky.social) March 28, 2026 at 11:32 PM

so does Portugal.

Germany’s seen this movie before, and they want no part of its sequel.

two stalwarts showed up in the town of Ballarat, Victoria, Australia.

holy shit, there was even one homey who parked himself in front of the US embassy in Tallinn, the capital of Estonia.

this dude fucking rules. he held the exact same one-person protest during the previous No Kings Day last October.

meanwhile, back here in the US of A, the crowds were gi-fucking-normous.

over two hundred thousand people showed up in Boston.

of course, Boston is in the major leagues when it comes to protesting. they’ve been perfecting this shit since 1773.

another two hundred thousand showed up at the rally in the Twin Cities.

We are estimating more than 200,000 people at the flagship No Kings rally in the Twin Cities. #NoKings

[image or embed]

— Indivisible ❌???? (@indivisible.org) March 28, 2026 at 12:37 PM

while we’re in the Twin Cities, you need to hear this chunk from comedian Lizz Winstead’s great speech.

“I’m so proud of you. you chased out of this state pure evil. you chased them out. you chased out the fun-size fascist Greg Bovino. you chased out that evil Kristi Noem. Kristi Noem is so evil, I’m starting to think that that dog took his own life. just couldn’t take it. ‘is this my future? I need to get out. I’m taking the goat with me.’”

Times Square in New York City was packed to the gills.

so was Chicago.

San Francisco does not screw around. at Ocean Beach, protesters formed a human banner telling Donny to get the fuck out.

check out deeply-red Boise, Idaho, folks. even Republicans are fed up with this shit.

Bill Kristol, who used to be the biggest neocon in the world and is now an actual goddamned social progressive, was in Waltham, MA.

huge crowds were everywhere — except for one place: the CPAC conference in Texas.

it’s as if Sad Trombone became a real political party.

now let’s check out some heroes — like this dude in Seattle.

we definitely need to gif this hilarious shit for posterity’s sake.

it was raining frogs in the District of Columbia.

we’re going to need to gif that shit, too.

 

handmaidens bearing the names of Jeffrey Epstein’s degenerate BFFs showed up in Nashville.

there’s no way we’re not giffing that shit.

hey, do you know who can go fuck themselves all the way to Mars? the Los Angeles Police Department, that’s who. these goons couldn’t make it through the day without arresting a protester who was dressed up as the Statue of Liberty.

A remarkable photo from #NoKings in DTLA from Connor Sheets of @latimes.com www.latimes.com/california/l…

[image or embed]

— sam³⁰⁰⁰ (@samgavin.com) March 28, 2026 at 7:09 PM

great optics, you guys. bravo. ten out of ten — no notes.

fuck those fucking fucks. let’s got out with a bang. here are some of the best protest signs from around the country.

credit: Ron Filipowski, threads.
credit: Laguna Beach Democratic Club, bluesky
credit: Jen Broderick, threads
credit: tiredofcrap, bluesky
credit: Carl Feher, bluesky
credit: MyOwnEyes, bluesky
credit: singerindy, bluesky
credit: Brit Koch, threads
credit: Molly J. McCabe, bluesky

look at these heroes way up in Barrow, Alaska.

credit: NoLaceyNo!, blue sky

and finally, once again, our unknown poet laureate from Ellsworth, Maine.

credit: Phil Lipari, bluesky

as for Sundowning Grandpa Bugfuck, he was unusually silent — and nowhere to be seen. there were none of his usual protest-day batshit meltdowns on the feed of his crappy app. he couldn’t even be bothered to post AI slop of himself shitting on protesters, as he did last October.

he just spent the day holed up in Motel-a-Lago. according to his official schedule, the lazy fuck didn’t even bother to cheat at golf.

I’ve got a news flash for you, Donny: America is sick of you. aside from your brain-dead cultists who are too fucking stupid to understand what’s going on, nobody voted for this shit.

nobody voted for the historic and stately East Wing to be demolished so that you can replace it with some vulgar Epstein Dance Hall™ — and speaking of your dead pedo bestie, nobody voted for the continuing cover-up of a massive pedophile ring.

nobody voted for off-the-charts corruption and greed.

nobody voted for masked ICE thugs teargassing children, and murdering anyone who looks at them funny. nobody voted for innocent immigrants to be disappeared off the streets and shipped off to far-away slave-labor gulags.

nobody voted for the price of everything continuing to skyrocket — especially when you promised bring all that shit down on Day One.

nobody voted for our allies to be insulted and ignored, or for Ukraine to be thrown to the wolves, or for Greenland to be perpetually harassed, or for Venezuela to become a vassal state.

and nobody voted for an unwinnable clusterfuck of a don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war in Iran — certainly not one that shut down the Strait of Hormuz, destabilized the entire Middle East, and sent the price crude through the roof.

guess what, Donny: you’re such a loathsome piece of shit that over eight million people took to the streets yesterday to deliver this singular message: fuck you, you fucking fuck — you’re not our king, and you never will be.

boo fucking hoo, bro. sucks to be you.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

 

Posted on

Tuesday Tiedrich

tell me, is it a bad thing when the president of the United States clownfucks his way into an unprovoked, unnecessary and illegal don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran, kills over a hundred schoolgirls, destabilizes the entire Middle East, gets the Strait of Hormuz shut down, creates a global energy and financial crisis, and then, realizing he’s shit the bed royally, tries to lie his way out of it?

lucky us, we’re right in the middle of finding out.

yesterday morning, President Piss-Baby declared that a five-day ceasefire was now in effect, because he’d been having some great peace talks with Iran, very strong, very powerful peace talks, peace talks like few thought possible — maybe the greatest peace talks of all time.

the most important thing you need to know about Donny’s all caps crazypants blithering is that it’s pure, unadulterated horse shit. it’s a fever-swamp hallucination — and very little of it is true.

first of all, Iran mocked the shit out of the very idea that peace talks are happening, throwing Donny’s favorite phrase back in his face.

“No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped,” wrote MB Ghalibaf, Iran’s parliament speaker.

here’s another clue that Donny doesn’t even have the framework of a concept of a sketch of an outline for a proposal of an almost-a-plan for peace talks: when reporters pressed him for details, he just started pulling numbers out of his flatulent ass.

Kaitlan Collins: “you said there’s many points of agreement with Iran right now.”

Donny: “many.”

Collins: “can you give us a few?”

Donny: “like, many. like, fifteen points. fifteen points.”

Collins: “that Iran said yes to?”

Donny: “well, they’re not gonna have a nuclear weapon. that’s number one. number one, two and three. they will never have a nuclear weapon.”

Collins: “they’ve said yes to that?”

Donny: “they agreed to that.”

oh, so Donny is claiming that Iran has agreed to the same deal they’d previously signed with Obama — the one that Donny ripped up eight years ago, because he was jealous of a black man’s accomplishments. awesome.

I love how Donny goes from ‘many’ to ‘fifteen’ as he struggles to come up with a plausible story. and ‘no nuclear weapons’ isn’t just the first point — it’s also the second. no, wait, it’s the third point as well. yeah, that’s the ticket.

watching Dear Leader try improvise numbers on the spot is like watching a chimpanzee play with a live hand grenade. you know it’s going to end badly, but you can’t look away.

I guess Donny used ‘fifteen’ because ‘fifty-seven’ was already taken.

hen, when pressed to name names, Preznit Fuckwit started bullshitting in real-time.

reporter: “who is Steve Witkoff speaking with in Iran?”

Donny: “a top— a top person. don’t forget, we wiped out the leadership, phase one, phase two and largely phase three. but we’re dealing with the man who I believe is— the— most respected and the leader, uh, it’s a little tough. they’ve wiped out— we’ve wiped out everybody.”

reporter: “the Supreme Leader?”

Donny: “no, not the Supreme Leader. we don’t— well nobody’s ever— nobody heard of the second Supreme Leader, the son. nobody— we have not heard from the son. every once in a while you’ll see a statement made but we haven’t had— we don’t know if he’s living. but the people that seem to be running it, and they seem that based on— really fact, because things they’ve said have taken place. I don’t want him to be killed. okay? I don’t want him to be killed.”

I’m sorry, what the fuck? Donny doesn’t want to identify the ‘top person’ he’s been talking to, because they’ll end up being killed? by who? his own government? how does that even make sense?

but Donny will swear up and down that this ‘top person’ really does exist. you don’t know him, though. he lives up in Canada.

and did you catch who Donny’s point-man is in these talks? oh great, Stevie Shitkoff is involved — and not just Shitkoff, but Donny’s over-leveraged and under-qualified son-in-law Jared Kushner as well.

with the Moron Twins on the case, what could possibly go wrong?

as always, to get the real deal on what these dumbfucks have been up to, we have to turn to the indispensable Heather Cox Richardson.

Barak Ravid of Axios later reported that Witkoff and Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner—both freelancers who have financial ties to the Middle East—rather than the U.S. secretary of state, Marco Rubio, have sent messages to the speaker of the Iranian parliament, Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf, through Egypt, Pakistan, and Turkey, where intermediaries are trying to set up a call between U.S. and Iranian negotiators. Ghalibaf is a close associate of Iran’s new supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei.

so wait — these two numbskulls have been messaging complete randos, hoping and waiting to hear back from someone, anyone? and Donny’s conflated that into ‘good and productive conversations’ with a ‘top person’?

holy fucking shit.

it cannot be overstated just how fucking stupid this all is.

no one could have predicted that a don’t-yo-dare-call-it-a-war that was cooked up by fuckwits and executed from the dining of one of Donny’s vermin-infested golf motels would go so badly.

and now that shit has gone spectacularly sideways, as the markets crater and the price of a barrel of crude goes fuckity-zoom, Donny has no choice but to find a way to TACO out of it, declare victory, and brag that he meant to do that.

dear sweet lord, it’s all so fucking bone-crushingly moronic — and none of it was necessary.

“No negotiations have been held with the US, and fakenews is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped.”

no fucking shit that Donny was manipulating the markets by announcing his imaginary peace talks when he did — because just look at what happened right before and right after the announcement.

person or persons unknown made a fucking killing in the market — and the only way they could have pulled this off was by having insider knowledge of what was Donny was about to announce.

the market-rigging was so blatant that even financial reporters had no choice but to sit up and take notice.

At around 6:50 a.m. in New York, S&P 500 e-Mini futures trading on the CME recorded a sharp and isolated jump in volume, breaking from an otherwise subdued premarket backdrop. With thin liquidity typical of early trading hours, the sudden burst stood out as one of the largest volume moments of the session up to that point.

it’s really too bad that Congress isn’t alive to see this, because this is exactly the kind of shit they should be investigating.

it’s just one more instance of naked corruption to be thrown atop the giant shitpile of corruption that goes on every day in Dear Leader’s White House. everything these goniffs do is engineered to shovel more money into the pockets of Donny, his family, and his cronies.

how much moolah did Preznit Fuckwit make off his own conveniently-timed announcement of his fictitious peace talks?

will we ever find out?

here’s the other batshit thing Donny did yesterday: he visited Graceland, Elvis Presley’s Memphis mansion — and while he was there, he asked the one burning question that I’m sure has been on all of our minds.

“could I have taken Elvis in a fight?”

what a fucking lunatic. who even thinks like this?

I know exactly what’s going on with Donny’s desire to whale the tar out of the King of Rock and Roll. it’s pure jealousy on his part — because there was one president who really did get to meet Elvis: Richard Nixon.

I shit you not.

On December 21, 1970, Elvis Presley paid a visit to President Richard M. Nixon at the White House in Washington, D.C. The meeting was initiated by Presley, who wrote Nixon a six-page letter requesting a visit with the President and suggesting that he be made a “Federal Agent-at-Large” in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs.

oh, and while he was there in the Oval Office, Elvis gave Tricky Dick a gun — as will happen when everyone in the story is a certified weirdo.

how fucking hilarious is it that Elvis wanted to be a ‘Federal Agent-at-Large’ in charge of ‘dangerous drugs’? that’s like making Donny a Federal Agent In Charge of Not Bankrupting Casinos.

hanging on the wall in the White House gallery is a photo of Nixon and Elvis shaking hands. Donny probably walks past that photo every day — and I’m sure it kills him that Nixon got to meet Elvis, and he never will.

hey, you know who else got to walk past that photo?

yes, we get it, Jeff. you got invited to the Biden White House. stop showing off.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

barely a day goes by when America’s Mad King — or a member of his royal court — doesn’t find some new way to cordially invite We the People to go fuck ourselves.

this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. not one thing any of these goniffs do makes us safer, or healthier, or more financially secure. it’s been that way since day one, and it will remain that way until every last one of these thieving bastards is finally removed from power.

what is surprising, however, is when one of these shit-sticks admits it.

which brings us to today’s Exhibit A: White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett.

let’s watch in astonishment as Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett actually says the quiet part out loud.

“if [the war] were to be extended, it wouldn’t really disrupt the US economy very much at all. it would hurt consumers, and we’d have to think about what we’d have to do about that, but that’s really the last of our concerns right now.”

there it is — Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett gives away the whole game right there in those last few words.

helping consumers who are hurting is ‘really the last of our concerns right now.’

no fucking shit, Sherlock, we’ve noticed. everything Donny does is for the benefit of himself, and his gazillionaire cronies. are you a tech bro, or a media baron, or an oil magnate, or a crypto scammer? awesome, you get a seat a the table. try not to let the Space Nazi bother you. he’s higher than a fucking kite right now.

are you a consumer, struggling to make ends meet as the price of goods and services skyrockets? well, then fuck you. you don’t get a doll.

do you think Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett even takes notice of the price of gas? absolutely fucking not, he’s got a driver whose job it is to keep the limo’s tank full.

every time one of Donny’s dipshits opens their mouths, they practically write a Democratic campaign ad. it’s a fact that’s not lost on California Rep. Ted Lieu.

“I’m going to quote for you what the director of the National Economic Council, Kevin Hassett, said on national TV. he said that hurting consumers is, quote, the last of our concerns.’ so I want the White House to send Kevin Hassett to every single TV channel and to every single swing House district where he can tell the voters of America that hurting consumers is, quote, ‘the last of their concerns.’”

word.

by the way — have you noticed that every time Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett is on TV, rain or shine, he’s standing on the grounds in front of the White House?

I shit you not, check it out:

do you know why that is? it’s because Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett is indeed an energy vampire, and that’s the thing about vampires: you have to invite them in. otherwise, they have to remain outside. don’t ask me what that’s all about, I don’t make the rules.

Holy Mike Johnson can’t help but mumble the quiet part out loud, either.

reporter: “can you give one example of fraud in a previous election that the SAVE America Act would stop?”

Holy Mike: “look, we’re not gonna litigate all that.”

god bless the reporter who asked that question, because it really cuts to the heart of the matter: this fucked-up election-rigging SAVE Act will do nothing to prevent election fraud — because election fraud is not a problem. there is virtually no ‘election fraud’ in America. it’s a rounding error away from zero. Donny has been convicted of more felonies than there have been proven cases of ‘election fraud.’

every reporter needs to be asking every Republican the same question Holy Mike couldn’t answer.

now it’s Senate Majority Leader John Thune’s turn to say the quiet part out loud.

the SAVE Act is in the Senate now, where it seemingly has a snowball’s chance of passing — because there just aren’t 60 votes in favor of it.

the MAGAsphere is screaming at Thune right now to shitcan the filibuster, so the SAVE Act can pass— but Thune’s got a good reason for not nuking the filibuster, and he’s not ashamed to admit it.

“throughout history, it has protected Republicans and conservative priorities and principles a lot more often than it has protected Democrats.”

it’s true. Republicans have perfected the art of using the filibuster to block any legislation that would improve the lives of We the People.

isn’t that right, Glitch McConnell?

Glitch? hello, are you there?

as for Little Donny No-Filters, there’s no such thing as the quiet part.he’s just a lizard brain-stem hard-wired to a set of vocal cords that talk first and think never.

it’s taken Donny only 48 hours go from ‘someone please help me win this war’ to ‘everybody’s coming to help me win this war’ to ‘fuck you, I don’t need anyone’s help to win this war.’

Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP.”

that is hysterical. not one of our allies wants to bail Donny out of his disastrous Operation Epic Bed-Shit, and the sudden realization of it is causing him to him melt all the way down. he’s like a child going ballistic because he just found out he didn’t get invited to a birthday party.

YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES, BECAUSE DONNY NEVER WANTED YOUR HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

fuck you, NATO — you don’t get a doll.

fuck you, too, Japan — no doll for you. same deal, Australia and South Korea. you all fucking suck, and nobody gets a doll.

who know who else doesn’t get a doll? Ireland.

reporter: “the Irish president has said your war against Iran is illegal and an attack on international law.”

Donny: “who said that?”

reporter: “the Irish president.”

Donny: “look, he’s lucky I exist. that’s all I can say.”

he?

Donny has no idea that the President of Ireland is a woman, Catherine Connolly.

Donny doesn’t know shit about shit — and he doesn’t care. he never does the reading, never prepares, and has the attention span of a coked-up squirrel.

he’s an embarrassment to his country — and to the entire world — every single day of his shithole presidency.

but at least the ignorant fuck wore a nice green tie on St. Patrick’s Day. so there’s that.

which bring us quite smoothly to our heroes of the day: the good people of Ballinrobe, County Mayo, Ireland, who put the Dead Pedo Bestie Files front and center during their St. Patrick’s Day parade.

fuck, yeah — let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: you’ve got to hand it to her — or maybe not

let’s watch as five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley takes a simple request to define a common word and gives it a vigorous beetlejuicing.

Piers Morgan: “what is inflation?”

Lauren Boebert: “well, inflation is— when, uh, when the, the price of things, um, is, is over, um, is, is, is too expensive because of, of, um, the, uh federal government, uh, really squandering the tax dollars. so you have the green new scam, uh hundreds of billions of dollars spent there, um to provide [makes air quotes] affordable energy, uh, and it was not affordable, it was never free, it was never—”

Morgan: “okay, yeah—”

Boebert: “that money was taken from the American people—”

Morgan: “yeah, okay, I don’t think—”

Boebert: “and forced into the system.”

Morgan: “hang on, hang on—”

what the fuck did we just listen to? even Piers Morgan is dumbfounded by the sheer incoherence of it all. folks, excuse me a moment as my brain tries to process Handy’s shit-salad of word-adjacent gibberish.

yeah, no. I tried and failed — because holy shit, she’s a fucking moron. as a lawmaker, she’s in way over her head, and her flat-lining shitwittery affects us all. Handy Oakley really needs to stick to what she’s good at.

but you know what? fuck it, let’s go all-in and pass the popcorn — because that exchange between Piers and Handy was actually pretty entertaining. I’d watch the shit out of a show that was just Handy’s cerebral cortex leaking out of her ears as she struggles to explain everyday words. admit it, so would you.

tuesday: all hat, no brain

I have a question: if our Big Boy Preznit ‘completely obliterated’ Iran’s nuclear capabilities when he dropped a shitload of bombs last year, then why all the drumbeating for dropping more bombs on Iran right now?

(yes, I know Donny’s bombs didn’t obliterate shit, but that’s the fairy tale Dear Leader fed to us last June, and it’s the lie that every Republican now has to defend.)

oh look, CNN’s Kaitlan Collins has the very same question I do — but look who she tries to get an answer from: Markwayne Mullin, the dumbfuckiest dumbfuck who ever dumbfucked his way through the Senate.

Kaitlan Collins: “if we obliterated Iran’s nuclear program last summer, then why are you worried about it right now?”

Markywane Mullin: “because they’re rebuilding it, and you can see they’re rebuilding it.”

Collins: “but it was obliterated?”

Mullin: “that doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild. I mean, people have car accidents and obliterate their bones in their legs, and yet they can still put you know, they can still put metal back in them and, and and walk again.”

oh fuck, it’s happening again —

oh dear lord. um, could we get Handy Oakley in here to explain what ‘obliterated’ means?

free clue: if you obliterate your leg, that literally means it’s gone forever. your nickname is now Stumpy.

where in the hallowed name of Head Trauma Jesus do you even start with this nonsense? is Marky Many-Names tying to win the Nobel Tortured Metaphor Prize? because I’m sure that’s exactly what Iran did — they just shoved some metal in their nuclear program, put a cast on it and told it to get some bed rest. and seven months later — hey nonny, it’s as good as new. yeah, what a perfectly sensible explanation. I’m sold.

isn’t it maddening when morons lie us into an unnecessary war? the thing about stupid is that it just doesn’t burn — sometimes it gets people killed.

wednesday: who among us, indeed

this week we learned that the fucknugget who created that heartwarming video depicting Barack and Michelle Obama as apes is a White House staffer named Garrett Wade.

isn’t that lovely? there’s actually some bro inside the White House whose job is to crank out racist videos. what a great use of taxpayer dollars, am I right?

wait, it gets better: Wade is also the fucknugget behind the ‘johnny maga’ not-twitter account. now, Garrett seems like a real charmer, so let’s just celebrate that time he forgot to switch to his burner account and posted the following beaut to Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium.

because who among is isn’t a gay black guy who felt so betrayed by Barack HUSSEIN Obama that we went all-in for Donny?

it’s all so relatable.

thursday: most fucked-up family tree, ever.

remember Ann Coulter? for a while there, back in the pre-MAGA days, she was a Big Fucking Deal. every now and then, Ann tries to regain some of that relevance, so let’s all watch as she tries and fails to do a proper racism.

“That beautiful ending to Trump’s SOTU address reminds me why we can’t have a second-, third-, or fourth- generation immigrant as president. Love for our country has to be in your genes.”

seriously, Ann? nobody gets to be president unless their family has been in the good ol’ US of A for five generations? well, that would certainly mean that Preznit Fuckwit is ineligible to serve. am I right, Community Notes?

Donny’s grandfather was the draft-dodging Bavarian immigrant Friedrich Drumpf.

so now we know who Donny inherited his bone spurs from.

and his mother was the Scottish-born Mary Trump.

and now we know where Donny got his fucked-up hair. yeesh.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

some fucking idiot started his Friday by waxing rhapsodic about the construction of his gaudy Epstein Dance Hall.

according to the fucking idiot, the Epstein Dance Hall is going to be ‘the Greatest of its kind ever built!’ it’s going to be a big, strong, building, with tears in its eyes as it says ‘sir! sir! no one has ever built an Epstein Dance Hall is gaudy as I am. how do you do it? sir!’

the fucking idiot also displayed once again that he has no idea what ‘exonerated’ means.

yeah, no. remember, the fucking idiot’s name appears in the Dead Pedo Bestie Files more times than Jesus’s name appears in the Bible.

the fucking idiot then denied that he was going to try to steal the midterm elections.

why don’t I believe him?

oh, and the fucking idiot gave a special shout-out to Rep Tony Gonzales.

Tony Gonzales, it must be noted, is currently being pressure to resign from Congress over allegations that he coerced a sexual relationship with a staff member who later killed herself. so what the fuck is the fucking idiot congratulating him for?

oh dear sweet lord, it’s happening again.

the fucking idiot then told a ‘sir’ story about a big, strong teary-eyed New York City cop whose sex life was made better by the fucking idiot’s economic policies.

and then, in the middle of the night, we all found out that — holy fucking shit — the fucking idiot has now taken us to an unprovoked and illegal war with Iran, because obliterated.

because if you can totally obliterate something once, you can ‘totally again obliterate’ it all over. it makes perfect sense to me!

let me just put this here, for no particular reason at all.

oh, and this, too.

and despite all that dumbfuckery going on right in front of their noses, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

I Just Can’t Today.

I’m not feeling well, I’m cranky, and just reading through Tiedrich this morning raised my blood pressure so much that I’m not going to cut and paste it today. You’re welcome to read him here.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

last night, so many colicky cultists completely lost their shit over Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime show that America came this close to depleting the National Strategic Reserve of Binkies.

but before we get into that, let me ask you a question: why does Bobby Brainworms Jr. speak as if he were a malfunctioning beef jerky cyborg who learned the English language five minutes ago?

Fox News: “it’s Super Bowl Sunday today. it’s a snacking holiday in the US. you are— as the CEO of MAHA, uh, what would you have as a Super Bowl snack?”

Bobby Brainworms Jr.: “you know, I am on a carnivore diet so I just eat meat and ferments. and I’m very happy with that so I’m probably going to have a yogurt.”

that’s right, Bobby used ‘ferments’ as a noun — as one does when one is a fucking crackpot.

go ahead, make fun of Brainworms’ speech habits all you want — but yogurt is, in fact, an important part of Bobby’s five food groups: ferments, whale head, dead bear cub, raw sewage, and heroin.

but just imagine that Obama had been asked, back when he was president, what he was going to chow down on during the Sports Bowl — and that had answered ‘yogurt.’

the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex would have lost their fucking minds, and screamed their heads off about ‘out-of-touch elites.’ Republicans bearing pitchforks and torches would have swarmed the White House and burned it to the fucking ground.

while we’re on the subject of chaos, we should probably check in on Turning Point USA to see how the prep work for their alternative halftime show is going.

“UPDATE: Due to licensing restrictions, we are unable to stream The All-American Halftime Show on X. Head on over to our YouTube channel tonight around 8PM ET to watch the full show.”

holy shit, what? because of ‘licensing restrictions,’ TPUSA’s dumb-ass event couldn’t be shown on Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium?

you fucking eejits. you had literal months to get your act together, and you forgot to get permission to stream it? way to respect the hallowed memory of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, you incompetent shitwits.

even if no one on not-twitter could stream it, at least the excitement within the venue was palpable.

I’m sorry, was Turning Point broadcasting from inside a strip club?

so why all the MAGA hatred for Bad Bunny? what crimes against humanity had he committed that were so egregious, Turning Point had no choice but to offer their own counter-programming?

this: he’s Latino, and he sings in Spanish!

oh my god, the horror — the horror.

also, anyone who tuned into the Super Bowl halftime show had to endure this unspeakably subversive commie-pinko message.

‘the only thing more powerful than hate is love’? what the hell?

look, Bad Bunny — if that even is your real name — MAGA hasn’t spent the last ten years hard at work transforming American into a failed fascist pesthole, only to have you fuck it all up by telling everybody there’s something better than hate.

by the way, this year’s Nobel Prize in Taking One For The Team definitely should go to Juliet Jeske, the host of Decoding Fox News podcast. she selflessly watched the entire Turning Point show, so we wouldn’t have to. she then edited it down into a two-minute highlight reel and added a commentary track. you can see it here.

The Turning Point USA Half Time show broken down into two minutes – the highs, the lows, the poor audio production and overuse of pyrotechnics. A 55-year-old man dancing around in shorts. It was everything and nothing all at once.

[image or embed]

— Decoding Fox News (@decodingfoxnews.bsky.social) February 8, 2026 at 11:45 PM

headlining the TPUSA show was super-tasteful style icon Formerly A Kid Rock.

tell me, has Not Anywhere Close To Being A Kid Rock ever been to Epstein Island? it’s a legit question to ask, because he sure writes lyrics as if he has.

The track, “Cool, Daddy Cool” was released in 2001 and was featured in the children’s movie “Osmosis Jones” that same year. It includes the line, “Young ladies, young ladies, I like ’em underage/ See, some say that’s statutory/ But I say it’s mandatory.”

wait, a song that rhymes ‘statutory’ with ‘mandatory’ was featured on the soundtrack of a children’s movie? what numbskull greenlit that idea?

here’s a fun thing that Definitely Not A Kid said about the Olsen Twins when they were 14 years old.

“Why is every guy in America waiting on these chicks to turn 18?” he said during the appearance. “If there’s grass on the field, play ball.”

‘grass on the field’ — get it? get it?

fun true fact: Don’t Mistake Him For A Kid is also the author of a song called ‘Balls in Your Mouth.’ you’ll never guess what it’s about.

Republican family values!

is there anything more pathetically hilarious in this world than MAGA trying to cope?because nothing says ‘we’re not easily-triggered snowflakes’ more than having to create your own safe space so you don’t have to watch someone singing in Spanish.

look at these total fucking losers, playing the world’s saddest round of Things That Never Happened The Most™.

it’s estimated that 127 million people watched the Bad Bunny halftime show, and 5 million watched Turning Point’s shit-show. I’m not sure on what planet that constitutes a ‘massive victory for TPUSA’ — but you do you, MAGA.

also, I’m pretty sure that everyone who tuned in to Kid Rock caterwauling about his love for pedophilia already supports ICE.

hey, you know who wasn’t watching the Turning Point show? Dear Leader, that’s who. check out what was on the big screen at the Motel-a-Lago Super Bowl party: Bad Fucking Bunny. what the hell, Donny? you’re the MAGA King. you’re supposed to be leading by example.

look who was with Donny at his Florida golf motel last night: the Kompromat Kid himself, Lindsey Graham.

I wonder what Old Linz’s favorite Kid Rock song is.

BREAKING NEWS: 79-Year-Old Narcoleptic Fart Factory Wishes Those Damned Kids Would Turn Down That Infernal Racket.

shut the fuck up, Piggy.

doesn’t Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants sound like the angriest out-of-touch old white guy in the world? how dare the NFL force him to watch something that doesn’t conform to his extremely cramped and hateful worldview.

‘nobody understands a word this guy is saying’ — nobody except for the world’s 635 million Spanish speakers. ‘the dancing is disgusting’ — hey Donny, is this you, jacking off two invisible giraffes?

and why won’t Bad Bunny sing about how great the stock market is doing? why won’t Bad Bunny do anything about the NFL’s kickoff rule? THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, BAD BUNNY.

and so today’s hero of the day is, quite obviously, Bad Bunny himself — because anyone who can get this many dumbfucks to shit themselves raw over a sportsball entertainment show is okay in my book.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Tiedrich

everything fucking sucks right now, so let’s just take a moment to savor JD Vance getting the shit booed out of him at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Italy.

announcer: “there’s the vice president, JD Vance and his wife Usha— oops, those are not— uh, those are a lot of boos for him.”

we all saw this coming. imagine being so universally loathed that the International Olympic Committee has to beg everyone not to heckle you.

The International Olympic Committee was forced to ask fans not to boo the U.S. delegation led by Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio during Friday’s opening ceremony for the Milano Cortina Winter Games.

is it any wonder that Mr. Heartbeat Away gets booed everywhere he goes? he pretty much goes out of his way to be as unpleasant as possible. look at the embarrassing spectacle Couchfuck creates as he leaves the Milan Prefecture after meeting with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni.

forty — forty! — armored vehicles completely clog the narrow streets of Milan, bringing everyday life to a standstill.

it takes an entire four and a half minutes for every one of JD’s vehicles to clear the building and clownfuck their way into local traffic.

Vance treats the streets of Milan the same way he treats a couch. he’s just going to ram it in there — and if anyone doesn’t like it, that’s just too damned bad.

it’s all so unnecessary — because watch what happens once all that bullshit runs its course: out comes Lauren Ware, the wife of US Ambassador Tillman Fertitta — on foot. no pomp, no circumstance, and no dumbfuck motorcade.

one person with a small security team — as happens when you’re not such a ginormous piece of shit that everyone can’t wait to heckle you.

because Lauren Ware doesn’t make a point of being an asshole, she can wander wherever she wants — while JD Vance can’t even walk through Union Station in Washington DC without people screaming ‘GO FUCK A COUCH’ at him. remember this, from last August?

“oh look, it’s Couchfucker. you gonna fuck a couch, buddy? GO FUCK A COUCH, JD VANCE, GO FUCK A COUCH!”

JD’s motorcade was so disruptive that he almost fucked up the American figure skating team’s chances of competing.

MILAN — The start of the women’s short program at the Olympic figure skating team event was drawing close Friday afternoon, but American star Alysa Liu couldn’t get to the Milano Skating Arena. She and her coach and choreographer were stuck on an official Olympic bus, blocked from the arena parking lot by the motorcade of Vice President JD Vance, who attended the team event. “We almost didn’t make it,” Liu’s coach, Phillip DiGuglielmo, later said.

ace job, you dumb-ass.

imagine training for years to compete in the Olympics — and almost missing your one shot at glory because some furniture-fucking asshole is on an ego trip.

could someone please remind JD that his job is to stand over there and wave a flag and clap for our Olympians, and not be the constant chaotic center of attention?

for fuck’s sake, he even brought his own food with him. who does that?

A cargo plane transported food from the United States for the delegation, while two other planes brought armored vehicles to be used during official movements.

come on — Couchfuck is in Milan — one of Europe’s greatest cultural centers. shouldn’t he be taking advance of the experience? I sure as shit would. what’s the issue, JD — are there no doughnut shops in Milan?

let’s find out. because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘doughnut shops in Milan’ — and guess what:

so what was JD’s problem? how hard would it have been for him to learn enough of the native language to say ‘how long have you been selling doughnuts? HA HA! that’s great’?

look, JD — I’ve done all the hard work for you, via Google Translate.

‘da quanto tempo vendi ciambelle? AH AH, fantastico.’

you’re welcome, bro. it’s called being a responsible journalist.

thanks to Donny and his henchmen, the whole world hates us now. we’re the playground bullies of the planet, kidnapping a leader here, threatening to invade there, and just plain tariffing everywhere.

or, like Couchfuck McGee in Milan, we’re just creating ego-driven chaos for chaos’ sake — because fuck you, that’s why. none of these shitwits are big on consent.

it’s all so fucking embarrassing.

President Donald Trump’s team offered to unfreeze federal funding for the paused Gateway tunnel project if Democrats in Congress agree to rename Penn Station and Washington Dulles International Airport after him, according to someone with direct knowledge of the negotiations.

only weak and fragile fuckwits need this kind of constant affirmation.

if Donny is that horny to have his name on something, might I suggest the Donald J. Trump Federal Correctional Institution?

let’s guess who could be its very first inmate.

and now for your heroes of the day: the voters of Louisiana’s 60th district, where Democrats flipped a State House seat in a deeply red state.

Louisiana Democrat Chasity Verret Martinez defeated her Republican opponent by double digits in the special election Saturday night for a state House seat in a district President Trump won by 13 points in 2024.

Martinez won 62% of the vote compared to 38% for her Republican opponent, Brad Daigle, according to unofficial results from the Louisiana Secretary of State.

in 2024, Donny won this district by 13 points. just fifteen months later, Democrat Chasity Martinez’s crushed her Republican opponent by double digits — a 37-point swing from red to blue.

in special election after special election, Democrats keep prevailing by significant margins. that’s how fucking radioactive Donny and his fascist policies have become.

there’s a blue wave a-comin’.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Thursday

imagine you’re a war correspondent for a major American newspaper. you’ve been assigned to cover the war in Ukraine. conditions totally fucking suck. there’s no heat, electricity or running water.

but you’re not bothered by any of that shit. you love your job — because it’s enthralling. there’s nothing else like it in the world.

now imagine you’re in the middle of doing all that, when out of the clear blue, you get an email telling you that your job’s gone fuckity-bye.

if you’re Washington Post reporter Lizzie Johnson, you don’t have to imagine — because that’s exactly what just happened.

“I was just laid off by The Washington Post in the middle of a warzone. I have no words. I’m devastated.”

oh, lovely. how the fuck is Lizzie Johnson supposed to find her way home? what the hell?

and it wasn’t just Johnson who got told her job had been sent to a big farm upstate, where it will have lots of room to run around. over three hundred of her Post colleagues got shitcanned yesterday morning.

here’s just some of the carnage: metro DC news, cut way back. the sports section, gone. book and theater reviews, gone. podcasts, gone.

but perhaps most egregiously, they’re cutting their foreign bureaus. if you want to know what’s happening in places like Kyiv or the Middle East, don’t look at the Post. it’s no longer their responsibility.

how the fuck can you even call yourself a major newspaper if you’re not covering what’s going on in the world? this is the Washington Fucking Post we’re talking about, not the Podunk Pennysaver.

here’s how devastating the cuts were: Peter Finn, WaPo’s International Editor, demanded he be fired on the spot, rather than take any part in this fuckery.

Peter Finn, the section’s editor, requested that he be laid off rather than be involved in planning the cuts once he learned about their scope, according to two people with knowledge of his decision.

the Washington Post’s corporate overlords claim they had no choice but to make these cuts, because the paper lost over one hundred million dollars last year. but these same overlords want to make one thing perfectly clear: these mass firings are actually good news.

do you want to know the real reason the Post is doing this? it’s because they love you — the reader — so much!

I shit you not. check out this dollop of industrial-strength bullshit-speak.

“The Washington Post is taking a number of difficult but decisive actions today for our future, in what amounts to a significant restructuring across the company,” the Post said in a statement. “These steps are designed to strengthen our footing and sharpen our focus on delivering the distinctive journalism that sets The Post apart and, most importantly, engages our customers.”

oh, I see. the Post is gutting its staff and reducing its coverage in order to make it all better. sure, now that you’ve explained it, that makes perfect sense to me.

there are really only two words that come to mind when faced with this level of piss-on-your-head-and-tell-you-it’s-raining corporate-ese. the first one rhymes with fuck, and the second with you.

let’s lay the blame for this atrocity exactly where it belongs: at the feet of Jeff Bezos, the Donny-snuggling gazillionaire who laughs like some fucked-up cartoon villain.

it was Bezos’ own disastrous decisions that led to the Post bleeding money.

first, a week before the 2024 election, Bezos phoned up the editor of the Post and told him not to run their planned endorsement of Kamala Harris. Bezos didn’t want to make Donny mad, just in case he happened to win. hundreds of thousands of angry Post subscribers canceled their subscriptions in response.

then, in February 2025, Bezos announced the Post was no longer going to tolerate ‘left of center views’ on their editorial page. instead, they were going to focus on ‘personal liberties and free markets.’ once again, hundreds of thousands of subscribers canceled their subscriptions.

why would Bezos deliberately antagonize his readership? because doesn’t give a shit. he’d rather curry favor with his new despot snugglebunny, Donny Convict.

Jeffrey Beez is not a newspaper guy. he doesn’t bleed black ink, as the saying used to go. he’s a business honcho. the Post is a just line item on a spreadsheet.

listen to your Uncle Bernie Sanders.

“If Jeff Bezos could afford to spend $75 million on the Melania movie & $500 million for a yacht to sail off to his $55 million wedding to give his wife a $5 million ring, please don’t tell me he needed to fire one-third of the Washington Post staff. Democracy dies in oligarchy.”

democracy dies up Jeff Bezos’ ass.

let’s be clear here. Bezos spends his money like a drunken sailor. he flushed $75 million down the shitter on that bogus ‘documentary’ about Dear Leader’s Slovenian rent-a-wife — and didn’t think twice about how much it cost. sixty million got pissed away on a wedding for his personal flotation device.

Jeff Bezos’ current net worth is TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE BILLION DOLLARS. think about this: Bezos could give every person on the planet a billion dollars each, and have $253 billion left over. that’s still more money than he could possibly spend in his lifetime.

the hundred mil that the Post lost is a rounding error to someone with that much moolah.

if he wanted to, he could personally fund the Post and give it away for free — and not even notice the money missing from his bank account.

fuck it, Bezos could sell the Post to someone who would care about putting out a quality product — but he won’t. he’d rather destroy it. owning some hallowed institution and clownfucking into irrelevance is the hip new thing. all the cool oligarchs are doing it.

I swear, these morbidly wealthy shit-kazoos are so easy to hate. and they wonder why people walk around wearing Eat The Rich t-shirts.

heroes, that’s what we’re in desperate need of right now.

no one ever went to bed with fascism and came up smelling like roses. no one ever said ‘gee, I’m so glad the Washington Post partnered with Nazis.’

fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how Jeff Bezos slobbered all over Dear Leader’s ass?’

the people we’re going to look back on with admiration are the ones who stood up said ‘take your Nazi bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’

which bring us to today’s hero of the day: Jordan Perry, the manager of the Lake Theater & Cafe in Lake Oswego, Oregon.

Perry booked the Melania ‘documentary’ into his theater (as a bit of a joke, he explained in a blog post) — and he advertised it with a marquee that read ‘to defeat your enemy, you must know them. Melania starts Friday.’

 

apparently this caused heads to explode all over the Amazon corporate offices, and they angrily pulled the film from Perry’s theater.

undaunted, Perry changed his marquee to ‘Amazon called. our marquee made them mad. all Melania shows canceled. show your support at Whole Foods instead :(’

in a world of Jeff Bezoses, be someone who antagonizes the shit out of Jeff Bezos.

meanwhile, if any of you know of any war-correspondent jobs that are available right now, you’d really be doing Lizzie Johnson a solid.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

once again, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that I don’t even know where to start. so I’m just going to spin the Big Wheel of Moron™ and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh my god, could Preznit Fuckwit please shut his rancid anus-mouth?

Just spoke to Pres. Trump. I asked him if he had seen the video of Rep. Omar being attacked and sprayed by a substance.

“No. I don’t think about her. I think she’s a fraud. I really don’t think about that. She probably had herself sprayed, knowing her,” the president said.

I asked again if he had seen the video.

“I haven’t seen it. No, no. I hope I don’t have to bother.”

and just like that, Donny Convict continues his 79-year-long unbroken streak of being the worst fucking person on the planet.

can we get Wonkette’s Rebecca Schoenkopf in here for a minute? she’s so good at putting into words what we’re all feeling right now.

thanks, Rebecca.

this fucking guy. he admits he hasn’t seen — and doesn’t want to see — the video of the assault, but that doesn’t keep him from running his ignorant mouth about it.

he thinks the attack on Rep. Omar is a hoax, because of course he does. Donny hates Omar — because he’s a fucking racist — and, because he doesn’t have a single ounce of decency in his rotting body, he can’t even mumble some halfhearted third-grade-level statement about ‘bad. so bad. we’re all wishing her well.’

what kind festering cum-sock hears about a woman being sprayed with some noxious liquid and goes ‘oh yeah, I’ll bet she did it to herself.’ who the fuck even thinks like that?

you know what? I’ll bet by crying ‘hoax!’, Donny’s telling on himself again — because with as always with this shithead, every accusation is a confession.

look, I don’t want to be a conspiracy guy. it’s really not my thing. but for the life of me, I’m still trying to figure out how Donny’s blown-to-bits ear magically regenerated itself.

oh wait, we’re not done with Donny. Rachel Scott has another question for him.

More from my interview with President Trump last night: I asked the president about Sens. Tillis and Murkowski calling for Sec. Noem to step down.

“Well, they’re both losers. You know, what can I tell you? They’re terrible senators. One is gone and the other should be gone,” he said.

he’s such a charmer. once again, Donny can’t just brush it off and go, ‘yeah well, that’s just your opinion, man.’

he’s so spite-fueled and broken-inside that he has to go scorched earth.

you simply must check out Senator Tillis’ reaction to being called a loser.

CNN’s Manu Raju: “the president called you a loser.”

Tillis: “I am thrilled about that. that makes me qualified to be Homeland Security Secretary *and* senior adviser to the president.”

let’s be clear-eyed about this, Thom Tillis is not our friend. he’s as xenophobic as they come. he’s totally down with ICE rounding up immigrants and shipping them to who the fuck cares, and he thinks they should be doing more of that shit. he’s just mad at ICE Barbie and Nosferatu McGoebbels for fucking up.

still, his response to Donny is so perfect that it’s hard not to be heartbroken about it.

well, that was fun. let’s give another spin to the Big Wheel of Moron™.

after his humiliating shitcanning and banishment from Minneapolis, you might have hoped that Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino would have had the decency to scamper back into his cigar box, close the lid, and never be heard from again.

fat chance. the Itsy-Bitsy Nazi is so high on his own supply that he stopped off at Mount Rushmore and took a victory lap.

“team, behind me are a few individuals there. that’s the original ‘turn and burn,’ the folks that help make American. but you know what? I’m very proud of what you, the ‘mean green machine,’ are doing in Minneapolis right now, just like you’ve done it across the United States over these past tough nine months. and I want you to know, you’re the modern day equivalent of ‘turn and burn.’ it makes me very proud. I also want you to know that I’ve got your back now, and always. I love you. I support you, and I salute you.”

I’ll bet that speech is even more impressive in its original German.

‘turn and burn,’ by the way, is Gestapo Greg’s pet name for the fascist shit he’s pulled in Minneapolis, Los Angeles and elsewhere. and this racist little fireplug is so arrogant, he thinks the dudes carved into Rushmore — George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln — would be totally be high-fiving him for his lawless behavior.

how delusional is that?

free clue for the Fascist In A Teacup: no, no, no, no, and fuck no. none of those homeys would approve of your banty rooster antics. stop shitting all the over Constitution and pick up a fucking history book, Greg. you might learn something.

ok, let’s spin Big Wheel of Moron™ one last time.

tonight, Donny and his Slovenian rent-a-wife are attending a Kennedy Center screening of the Melania movie — the so-called ‘film’ that everyone knows is going to be a twenty-megaton box office disaster.

at its London premiere, it sold one ticket.

one ticket! now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter. ready?

and now comes the part where the worthless scribblers of The New York Times corruptionwash that shit.

come on, Grey Lady — stop pulling your punches. nobody is ‘questioning’Amazon’s motives. everyone knows exactly what this is all about: naked corruption. it’s Jeff Bezos burning through millions of dollars in order to curry favor with Dear Leader.

Melania Convict is the least-interesting person on the planet, and nobody — absolutely nobody — was clamoring for a documentary about her.

despite that, Bezos gave Melania FORTY MILLION DOLLARS for the rights to her ‘story.’ Amazon spent five million dollars on production, and another thirty-five million on promotion. that’s eighty fucking million dollars for a film which is predicted to take in about one million at the box office.

one hand washes the other, am I right? blatant corruption doesn’t get any more blatantly corrupt than that.

oh, and in England, where the premiere sold one ticket? rejoice, everyone — UK ticket sales have skyrocketed to six!

Vue, a major European cinema operator, is offering nine showings (451 seats in all) at its multiplex in York, England, from Friday through Sunday, one analyst noted. As of Wednesday, it had sold six seats.

now here’s a question for you all: do you think these two lovebirds will take separate cars to the screening?

and now for your hero of the day — some obscure songwriter who probably no one’s ever heard of, Bruce Springsteen.

 

I wrote this song on Saturday, recorded it yesterday and released it to you today in response to the state terror being visited on the city of Minneapolis. It’s dedicated to the people of Minneapolis, our innocent immigrant neighbors and in memory of Alex Pretti and Renee Good.

Stay free.

and just like that, Springsteen continues his seventy-six-year-long unbroken streak of being fucking awesome.

let’s give it a listen.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other

Posted on

Wednesday Tiedrich

are you ready for some sweet, sweet MAGA-on-MAGA violence?

I sure hope so, because Donny Convict’s merry band of sewer clowns are running around in a panic right now. they screwed the pooch bigtime in Minneapolis, and they know full well that Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino’s isn’t the only head that’s going to roll — and so they’ve all locked themselves down into self-preservation mode. even better, the knives are out and they’re starting to turn on each other.

it’s a glorious fucking sight to behold.

Kristi Noem wants to make one thing perfectly clear: she was only following orders.

Noem has complained to others that she feels she’s being hung out to dry over the episode and has made sure to emphasize she took direction from Miller and the president, a source told Axios.

wait a minute — Nosferatu McGoebbels is telling ICE Barbie what do to? since when does the Secretary of Homeland Security take direction from White House Deputy Chief of Staff?

Miller’s power extends to de facto oversight of Noem, though she’s a Cabinet secretary who technically outranks him.

do you need any more proof that Dear Leader is just a demented figurehead who they drag out to make incoherent speeches and sign whatever papers they put in front of him, and that Nosferatu McGoebbels is really running the show?

this lame-ass excuse that Little Miss Hair Extensions was only following orders — where have we heard that before? oh yeah — at the Nuremberg trials.

now here’s a pro tip for Stephen Miller: if Kristi ever invites you out back to the gravel pit ‘because she has something she wants to show you,’ run as fast as you can in the other direction.

Cricket, am I right? Cricket? Cricket?

Noferatu, for his part, is covering his ass regarding the summary execution of Alex Pretti. he’s all ‘nuh-uh, it’s Homeland Security’s fault.’

Specifically, Miller said, Bovino’s crew was supposed to divide its force into two groups: One unit was supposed to handle the arrests of specifically targeted “criminal aliens” and the other squad was in charge of crowd control to keep “disruptors” from interfering.

oh, how convenient. after spending days screeching about how Pretti got what was coming to him, because — according to Miller — he was a ‘domestic terrorist,’ he’s changing his story. now it’s ‘Pretti got gunned down because ICE was doing it wrong.’

fuck off, Nosferatu.

meanwhile, Democrats — along with Republicans Thom Tillis and Lisa Murkowski — have a message for Preznit Fuckwit: fire the puppy perforator, pronto, or we’ll impeach her.

Top House Democrats on Tuesday told Donald Trump to fire Kristi Noem or they would launch impeachment proceedings against the homeland security secretary, in response to the weekend killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis, as two Republican senators join calls for her to resign.

here’s the beauty part: House Democrats threw Donny’s own mob-boss language back in his face, closing their statement with ‘we can do this the easy way or the hard way.’

I fucking love that.

more like this, please.

we should probably do a wellness check three-hundred-and-forty-seven-year-old human fossil Chuck Grassley.

“Tried asking Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, whether it’s appropriate for ICE to enter homes without a judicial warrant. ‘Ask a constitutional lawyer,” he said. ‘I’m a farmer.’”

oh, for fuck’s sake. Chuckers has been a member of the Senate — and chair of its Judiciary Committee — for nearly two hundred and forty-one years, and he’s claiming he has no idea how the Constitution works? he was in the room when the damned thing was being written.

hey, did anyone think ICE would actually restrain themselves in the wake of Obergruppenführer Greg’s shitcanning? me neither.

look at the fuckery they were up to yesterday.

“1/27/2026 – Minneapolis – ICE just attempted an illegal entry into the ECUADORIAN CONSULATE to abduct someone. They did not have a warrant.”

wait a minute. under whose authority are they pulling this shit? is this the work of Tommy ‘Bags-o-Cash’ Homan? fun fact: ICE has no jurisdiction whatsoever to enter a foreign consulate. they can’t just wander in there willy-nilly and do whatever the fuck they want.

per The New York Times.

Ecuador’s foreign ministry said it lodged a formal diplomatic protest with the United States after a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent attempted to enter the country’s consulate in Minneapolis without permission on Tuesday morning.

Employees of the consulate stopped the agent from entering, the Ecuadorean foreign ministry said in a statement Tuesday night. Under the Vienna Conventions, to which the United States is a party, foreign consular buildings are off-limits to law enforcement from the host country without authorization from consular officials.

so now ICE is going be starting international incidents, because they’re so horny to deport some hapless day laborer? take a cold fucking shower, you morons.

while we’re on the subject of ‘international incidents,’ can somebody please explain to me why we’re sending masked ICE thugs to Italy? explain it to me like I’m five years old — because this makes no goddamned sense.

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents will join a security team from the State Department at the Olympics “to vet and mitigate risks from transnational criminal organizations.”

excuse me? ‘risks from transnational criminal organizations’? at the fucking Olympics?

what kind of fever-swamp fairy-tale nonsense is this? I swear, the people running our government are high on their own supply, farting out the most nonsensical reasons for doing anything, and expecting us to buy it. go peddle that shit elsewhere, you dumbfucks, we’re all stocked up.

can you imagine masked, poorly-trained goons running wild in the streets of Milan? Italy can, and they want no part of this fuckery.

Antonio Tajani, Italy’s foreign minister, told reporters that ICE agents would not be allowed to deploy on Italian streets.

oh, and speaking of masked and armed ICE thugs, get ready for the saddest story you’ll ever hear in your life.

Morale is “plummeting” among federal law enforcement officers tasked with carrying out the Trump administration’s aggressive anti-immigration operation, as they complained that long hours, ambitious arrest quotas and hatred from the public, according to reports.

oh boo fucking hoo. dry your fucking eyes. nobody twisted your arms and forced you to become willing participants in deadly fascism. what did you think would happen after you kidnapped children and murdered innocent bystanders in cold blood? that we would throw flowers and give you a standing ovation?

oh please, grow the fuck up. actions have consequences, you crybabies.

the kind staff at the White House Assisted Living Facility allowed Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants to make a day trip to Iowa, so he could have a playdate with some of his cultists. wasn’t that sweet of them to humor a frail old codger?

oh look — Dear Leader is now wearing one glove, to hide his rotting hand.

tell me, who wore it better?

President Pudding Cup’s brain is fried. get ready for the most fucked-up lesson in ‘how a bill becomes a law’ ever.

“China will be sending me a bill very shortly supporting year-round E15 to my desk, and I will sign it without delay.”

holy. fucking. shit. China. is sending. Donny. a bill. to sign. it hurts my brain just to type that out.

hey Donny — is China in the room with us right now?

Donny also met with a bunch of big, strong Iowans yesterday — and you’ll never guess what they were doing while in the hallowed presence of Dear Leader. that’s right, they were blubbering like babies

 

“I just left a great group of people from Iowa and half of them were crying as they talked to me. I don’t think they’re crying because I’m doing a bad job. you know, [unintelligible] cry if you do a bad job. they were crying because I’d done a good job. ‘sir,’ they said ‘sir, you brought our country back.’ crying, crying.”

fact check:

which bring us to our hero of the day: this brave heckler at Donny’s Iowa rally, who kept shouting ‘release the Epstein Files’ — and never stopped shouting it, even as she was being eighty-sixed from the rally.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

look, everything may totally fucking suck right now, what with the economy in tatters, our foreign policy circling the drain, and armed fascists running amok on the streets of our cities — but at least the president of the United States is crazier than a shithouse rat. so we’ve got that going for us.

let me give you fair warning: you are now about to enter Crazytown. population: Donny.

holy fucking shit. this is some seriously deranged stuff. it’s some Hitler-in-the-bunker-level ranting.

let’s see if I can rationally explain what Dear Leader is losing his shit over. the National Trust ⁠for Historic Preservation is suing Donny to block construction of the Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.

The National Trust sued Trump and several federal agencies in December, arguing the project has proceeded without required approvals, environmental review or congressional authorization.

of course the project proceeded without going through any of those proper channels. that’s not how a Mad King rolls. Donny simply had a demolition crew just show up one day to tear that shit down, before anyone had a chance to react.

but what’s even worse for Donny is that the judge assigned to the case seems inclined to agree with the Trust.

At a hearing in a lawsuit brought by the National Trust ⁠for Historic Preservation, U.S. District Judge Richard Leon raised doubts about whether Trump had statutory power to tear down the East ‌Wing with plans to build a ballroom in its place without approval or oversight from the ⁠U.S. Congress.

Leon snapped, “Come on, be serious,” after a lawyer for the administration drew parallels to the construction of a pool during the Gerald Ford administration in the 1970s and to other smaller renovations.

and this is Donny’s reaction to being told ‘no’: to power-load an infinite series of diapers, and melt all the way down on his crappy app.

he’s a fucking child — one with a persecution complex. who fucking talks like this?

“But no, as usual, I got sued, this time by the Radical Left National (No!)Trust for Historic Preservation, a group that couldn’t care less about our Country!”

a delusional narcissist, that’s who talks like that. inside Donny rat-infested brain, the National Trust can’t possibly be an impartial organization tasked with the preservation of our historic landmarks. oh no — if you oppose one of Donny’s fuckbrained schemes, you’re now part of some mythical ‘radical left,’ hell-bent on destroying the country.

I’ll bet the staid bureaucrats of the Historic Trust never thought they’d be labeled ‘enemies of the state.’

but that, my friends, is now the guiding principle of the MAGAsphere: ‘if you disagree with me, you’re the enemy — and if you’re mean to me, I can’t help what comes next.’

let’s watch as Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino — that adorable little Fascist In A Teacup™ — applies this principle to the death and chaos he’s perpetrated in Minneapolis.

“when politicians, community leaders and some journalists engage in that heated rhetoric we keep talking about, when they make the choice to vilify law enforcement, calling law enforcement names like ‘Gestapo,’ or using the term ‘kidnapping,’ that is a choice that is made. there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.”

Gestapo Greg says what?

I’m sorry, Greg — are we hurting your fragile fee-fees by calling you and your lawless masked thugs ‘Gestapo’? well, here’s a free clue: maybe don’t act like Nazis, and we won’t have any reason to call you Nazis. if the jackboot fits, wear it, am I right?

and while we’re on the subject, maybe also don’t dress like you’re in some dinner-theater production of Springtime for Hitler.

but let’s look at the darker side of Obergruppenführer Greg’s message: ‘there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.’

excuse me? we’re now being warned to expect ‘consequences’ from the ‘choice’ of calling a fascist a fascist? on what fucking planet? that ain’t the way it works in America, pal. name-calling is not a capital crime. at least not yet it isn’t.

but this is the rhetoric we’ve been hearing from the Donnyverse ever since Renee Good got gunned down in her car. ‘look at what you made us do.’

“we gotta stop the hateful rhetoric. saying this officer is a murderer is dangerous. it’s just ridiculous. it’s just gonna infuriate people more which means there’s gonna be more incidents like this.”

that was Tom Homan, in the days following Renee Good’s summary execution, warning us to keep our mouths shut, if we don’t want more of the same.

once again, this is classic abuser language: ‘look what you made us do.’

getting back to Obergruppenführer Greg’s soundbite, where he whines about‘vilifying law enforcement’ — let’s be clear about one thing: the actions of the masked ICE thugs can in no way be called ‘law enforcement.’ no actual laws are being ‘enforced’ by ICE on the streets of Minneapolis. it’s state-sponsored terrorism, is what it is.

Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel: “you cannot bring a firearm, loaded, with multiple magazines, to any sort of protest that you want. it’s that simple. you don’t have a right to break the law.”

BZZZT! wrong answer.

Under the Second Amendment and MN Stat. 624.714, permit holders may legally carry firearms in public, including during protests. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that public carry is a constitutional right. Carrying a firearm does not legally constitute “inciting violence.”

I’m so old, I remember what Republicans loved the shit out of people who brought guns to protests.

remember these shitwits?

these MAGA morons were so mad about being asked to lock down and mask up against COVID that they festooned themselves with weapons of mass death and protested inside the Michigan Statehouse.

nobody arrested them. nobody shot them point-blank in the back of their head. in fact, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex lauded them as patriotic heroes of freedom.

and how about these fucknuts?

this is Patricia and Mark McCloskey, reacting in most perfectly normal way to protesters who were simply passing by their house. these paranoid weirdos weren’t gunned down on the spot. in fact, they were honored as keynote speakers at the 2020 Republican National Convention.

and when teenage incel Kyle Rittenhouse brought a weapon to a protest and actually killed people, do you know who defended his ‘right’ to do so? Kash Patel.

“Kash Patel on Kyle Rittenhouse: ‘Where is the due process?’”

excuse me, but where the fuck was Alex Pretti’s due process? he kept his weapon holstered, never drew it, never brandished it — and now he’s dead, thanks to Obergruppenführer Greg’s Gestapo.

our one saving grace amidst all this carnage may well be Donny’s compulsion to overreach and clownfuck his own agenda.

it turns out that Second Amendment absolutists fucking hate it when you try to tell them where they can or can’t bring guns.

“But we must also maintain our core values as a nation, including the right to protest and assemble.”

let’s be clear: Senator Ricketts is not our friend. he’s an asshole who is totally down with ICE disappearing immigrants off the streets of our cities. but he does draw the line at the summary execution of protesters. lucky us.

holy shit, Donny’s even pissed off the NRA. here’s their response to Bill Essayli, one of Donny’s hand-picked MAGAfied US Attorneys, who said, ‘if you approach law enforcement with a gun, there is a high likelihood they will be legally justified in shooting you.’

“This sentiment from the First Assistant U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California is dangerous and wrong. responsible public voices should be awaiting a full investigation, not making generalizations and demonizing law-abiding citizens.”

oh, and the nonsense that Bill Essayli farted out about cops being legally justified in shooting anyone possessing a gun? it’s completely fucking wrong.

The U.S. Constitution (particularly the 2nd, 4th, and 14th amendments) prohibit officers from shooting citizens merely for possessing a weapon that is not an “imminent threat”. This was reaffirmed in Graham v Connor, which says force must be reasonable.

Donny’s moving too fast, being too reckless and breaking too much shit in the process. none of the fuckery Donny is perpetrating is sustainable, and very little of it is popular.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it — because I will never stop believing it’s true: someday, this war’s gonna end.

here are your heroes of the day: the good people of Nuuk, Greenland.

that’s a message the whole world can get behind.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

I Will Not Look Away. I Will Not Be Silent.

I don’t care if some of you are tired of the Tiedrich posts. If you don’t like it, go elsewhere. Seriously.

yes, again.

once again, masked thugs who have been conditioned — not trained, but conditioned — to shoot first and think never have gunned down a civilian in cold blood.

and, once again, the vile shitstains responsible for all this fuckery have asked us to — no, I’m sorry, they’re demanding that we disbelieve what we’re all seeing with our own eyes.

here’s what we know so far:

militarized government thugs were patrolling the streets of an American city and harassing its residents — just as the framers of our Constitution intended. they wore masks to hide their identities — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.

five of the masked thugs approached a man who was recording them, pepper-sprayed him, and roughly shoved him to the ground — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.

as the man struggled to get away, one or more of the masked thugs drew his weapon and shot the man several times, killing him — just as the framers of our Constitution intended. as the man lay face-down on the ground, more shots were fired into his lifeless body — just as the framers of our Constitution intended.

it was just another fucked-up day in these United States of Brutal Fascism.

as with the state-sponsored killing of Renee Good three weeks ago, the worst people in the world immediately started lying their insipid faces off about what had happened.

they blamed the victim — Alex Pretti, a 37-year-old intensive care nurse — painting him as the latest Radical Leftist Lunatic™ to get what was coming to him.

here’s some truly Orwellian shit from Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino, everyone’s favorite bite-sized fascist.

“the suspect also had two loaded magazines and no accessible ID. this looks like a situation where an individual wanted to do maximum damage and massacre law enforcement.”

fact check: bull fucking shit, Pocket Nazi.

The Department of Homeland Security said the episode began after a man approached Border Patrol agents with a handgun and they tried to disarm him. But footage from the scene shows the man was holding a phone in his hand, not a gun, when federal agents took him to the ground and shot him.

so, let’s talk about that gun that Alex Pretti was carrying.

His concealed weapon was found only after he was restrained on the sidewalk, the videos show. It appears to have been taken from him before the agents opened fire.

according to Minneapolis police, he had every legal right to carry it.

“The only interaction that we are aware of with law enforcement has been for traffic tickets and we believe he is a lawful gun owner with a permit to carry.”

let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: the ICE thugs were never in danger. Pretti’s weapon remained holstered, and was never in his hand. what was in his hand was very clearly a cell phone. I mean, even low-wattage ICE morons can tell the difference, right?

the very same people who have spent year fetishizing the right to carry weapons in public are shocked — shocked! — to discover that people are exercising that Constitutionally-protected right.

let’s gaze in awe as ICE Barbie once again drags the truth out back to the gravel pit and shoots it in the face.

reporter: “did the 37-year-old who had a license to carry, did he brandish a gun?”

Kristi Noem: “this individual showed up to impede a law enforcement operation and assaulted our officers. they responded according to their training and took action to defend the officer’s life and those of the public around him, and I don’t know of any peaceful protester that shows up with a gun and ammunition rather than a sign. this is a violent riot when you have someone showing up with weapons and are using them to assault law enforcement officers.”

can we please stop calling ICE ‘law enforcement officers’? they’re not enforcing any known laws on the books. what they’re doing is inventing their own laws on the spot — and playing judge, jury and executioner.

but I digress. answer the question, puppy perforator — did Alex Pretti brandish a gun?

fact check: no, he fucking well did not.

hey, you want to see what brandishing looks like? here’s some brandishing.

I’m so old, I remember when some teenage fuckbag showed up at a protest and brandished the shit out of an assault rifle. when he used that weapon to kill three protesters, the entire wingnut ecosystem made him an instant folk hero.

so, to recap: if you’re an anti-fascist protester with lawful, holstered weapon, too bad, fuck-o, it’s summary execution for you. but if you’re a MAGA dipshit openly spraying bullets into a crowd, you’re ‘a nice young man.’

shut up, Piggy.

and you can shut the fuck up, too, Couchfuck McGee.

“This level of engineered chaos is unique to Minneapolis. It is the direct consequence of far left agitators, working with local authorities.”

oh please, don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining. the only people engineering chaos are the masked ICE goons who are going out of their way to harm as many Minnesotans as possible.

Uncle Tim Walz, can you please talk some sense to these shit-kazoos?

“speak out. bear witness and document legally. but I understand the risk in that. and I understand the courage that it takes to have people out there doing this. thank God we have video, because according to DHS, these seven heroic guys took an onslaught of a battalion against them or something. it’s nonsense, people. it’s nonsense and it is lies.”

you know thinks Little Miss Hair Extensions’ Department of Homeland Security has gone to far? the guy who invented the Department of Homeland Security, that’s who. he’s calling today’s DHS fascists — and he’s calling for Preznit Fuckwit to be impeached and removed from office.

“I helped to establish DHS in 2002 and 2003 and later had the homeland security portfolio as a White House Counsel and served as General Counsel of the Department. I am enraged and embarrassed by DHS’s lawlessness, fascism, and cruelty. Impeach and remove Trump—now.”

Democrats must to do whatever they can to shut this shit down — and it looks like they might actually follow through. look at Chuck Schumer.

Strongly-Worded Chuck has come about as close to losing his shit as I’ve ever seen him.

“What’s happening in Minnesota is appalling—and unacceptable in any American city. Democrats sought common sense reforms in the Department of Homeland Security spending bill, but because of Republicans’ refusal to stand up to President Trump, the DHS bill is woefully inadequate to rein in the abuses of ICE. I will vote no. Senate Democrats will not provide the votes to proceed to the appropriations bill if the DHS funding bill is included.”

Jake Sherman of Punchbowl News points out that — assuming that Chuck isn’t just Lucy-and-the-footballing us — all this could lead to another government shutdown.

“This ICE situation is a nightmare for the Senate. Cannot see a scenario in which Senate Dems can vote for this 6-bill package which includes DHS funding. Govt shuts down Friday. First Senate procedural vote likely not until Wednesday, giving them limited room to maneuver. House on recess. Any changes to the bill would require the House. Shutdown a real possibility at this point.”

so, fun week ahead.

I think it’s great the Democrats are finding their voices, but as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reminds us, none of this shit is normal — especially the GOP’s total abdication of any responsibility to rein in Dear Leader’s excesses — and we should reject every attempt to normalize it.

“this really isn’t just about Democrats. this is about Democrats, Republicans, and independents. and I think, right now, in this moment, there has been this permission structure where we have all universally accepted that the Republican Party will simply just have no morals, or fall in line with the president of the United States — and we have to challenge that logic and rhetoric every single time. I believe that often times they are given a free pass, and this accepted logic just allows them to continue to vote without any resistance from the constituencies, because we’ve accepted some foregone conclusion.”

now for your heroes of the day: the brave — and I do mean brave — Minnesotans who used debris — and then their own bodies — to block an armored vehicle from advancing.

(video credit: Brendan Gutenschwager via Threads.)

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

let’s start with a bang, and put our Hero of the Day right up top.

here’s Anders Vistisen, Danish politician and member of the European Parliament, speaking for the entire world.

“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”

it must be said that Anders Vistisen is not our friend. he’s as far-right as they come — and it is absolutely heartbreaking to have to note that it took a Nazi to speak bluntly to Dear Leader.

yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Donny’s second reign — so naturally, preening peacock held a victory lap, in the form of an excruciatingly long, incoherent shit-show of a press conference.

let’s gaze in awe as Donny encounters a tool for the first time, and learns to master it.

whoops, wrong clip. sorry. here you go, here’s President Hominid, mastering a new tool.

“here’s, uh, the book on— accomplishments. and this is something— woo, I’m glad my finger wasn’t in that sucker. [hold up binder clip] that could have done some damage, but you know what? I wouldn’t have shown the pain. I would have gone back. boy did you hear that? that was nasty. but I would not have shown the pain. I would have acted like nothing happened, as my finger fell off. that was nasty. I think somebody did that. [points to camera] it was him. it was my man. how are you? you didn’t do it. I know you didn’t. I know you didn’t. so, uh—”

hey, you know what, Donny? fuck off. it was a paper clip. stop being a drama queen.

thank god Donny’s bone spurs weren’t acting up, and preventing him from heroically winning the War of the Binder Clip.

that pile of papers Donny’s brandishing in the above clip, that’s his list of ‘365 wins.’ that’s what the whole presser was about, Donny bragging about his (imaginary) wins.

let’s check out just one of them, number 243.

#243 says: “Stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden of his taxpayer-funded Secret Service detail.”

Donny, fuck off. that’s not a ‘win’ — that’s the act of a toxic piece of shit obsessed with settling scores.

hey, where do you think ‘suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files’ was in Donny’s list of wins? I’d have put it at number one.

now excuse me, but what the fuck is this, and where does ‘blithering like a lunatic’ land on Donny’s win list?

“we had in my area in Queens, I grew up in Queens, we had a place called Creedmore. Creedmore. does anybody know that? Creedmore. it was a big— I said ‘mom, why are those— bars on the building?’ I used to play little league baseball— there. a place called Cunningham Park. I was quite the baseball player. you couldn’t believe it. but I said to my mother, ‘mom—’ she would be there always there for me, she said ‘son, you could be a professional baseball player.’ I said ‘thanks mom.’ I said, ‘why are those bars on the windows?’ big building. big, powerful building that loomed over the park, actually. she said, ‘well, people that are very sick are in that building.’ I said, ‘boy.’ I used to always look at that building and I’d see— big building, big, tall building, it loomed over the park, sort of. now that I think of it, I think it was pretty unfriendly, sad. but I— I’ll never forget— I don’t know if it’s still there.”

get the idea? it was a big, tall building — powerful, in fact, with tears in its eyes.

of course, that fascinating anecdote took place in the old days, when Donny used to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time.

so, what was the press doing, while Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ brain was visibly leaking out of his ears? just what they always do: sitting there like useless lumps, nodding their heads. this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 2,122nd day.

instead of any ‘what the fuck’ bravery, we just got the the usual fresh load of horse shit. here’s NPR’s Mara Liasson’s hot take.

“And what else struck me about this press conference was how similar Trump and Biden were. Both of them tried to convince Americans that the economy was a lot better than voters’ own experience of the economy is.”

worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press, please stop it with this both-sides nonsense.

we’re one year into this nightmare, and the press is still normalizing and sanewashing Donny’s outright fascism.

“President Donald Trump has commanded attention during his second term. From military interventions to controversial social media posts, the Republican has rewritten the presidency’s role in a divided country.”

oh please, fuck straight off with this tepid pablum.

Donny isn’t ‘rewriting the role of the presidency.’ he’s pouring gasoline all over the Constitution and setting a fucking match to it — and by dancing around the issue couching it in oh-so-polite terms, the press is aiding and abetting him.

Gavin Newsom is in Davos this week, and he’s got a message for the gathered world leaders: cut the bullshit, and stop kowtowing to Donny.

“it’s time buck up. it’s time to get serious. stop being complicit. it’s time to stand tall and firm. have a backbone. I’ve seen this in the United States. playing Congress, playing both sides, saying one thing in a text or tweet, another publicly. it’s time to have principles. it’s time to stand tall. it’s time to stand united. have principles. I can’t take this complicity. people rolling over. I should have brought a bunch of knee pads for all the world leaders. I mean, handing out crowns, this is pathetic. Nobel Prizes that are being given away. it’s just pathetic. and I hope people understand how pathetic they look on the world stage. I mean, at least from an American perspective. it’s embarrassing. one thing they can’t do is what they’ve been doing, and they’ve been played. this guy’s playing folks for fools, and it’s embarrassing.”

Gavin is spot fucking on — because world leaders have indeed spent a year flattering Donny, and appeasing him, hoping that by stroking his unquenchable ego, they could somehow magically come out on top.

in case you’ve forgotten, South Korea really did literally give Donny his very own crown.

what did South Korea end up getting in return? not one fucking thing.

yet the flattery and kowtowing goes on, right up to into the new year. we even saw it yesterday, in the text message from Macron that Donny posted on his shitty app. look at this obsequious drek.

“my friend.” “we are totally in line.” “let us try to build great things.” “let’s have lunch, I’ll invite whoever you want to.”

oh please. Donny is laughing his ginormous ass off at what a fool you are.

hey, you know who else thought he could flatter his way to victory?

this homey. Neville Chamberlain, pictured here with his best bud, Adolf Whats-His-Name.

in 1938, Chamberlain came up with an awesome idea: all Europe had to do was flatter old Adolf, tell him what a great guy he is — and if they him keep Sudetenland, that’ll satisfy him, and he’ll leave the rest of the world alone.

come on, Adolf. let’s do lunch. I’ll invite whoever you want.

tell me, how did flattery and appeasement work out for Europe?

Anders Vistisen, can you step back in here for a moment and remind that everyone tyrants need to spoken to in the only language they understand?

“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”

thanks, bro. now get your right-wing ass out of my sight.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

There Are No Words To Describe How Much I Despise Trump

folks, the president’s brain has left the station. I’m not sure it’s ever coming back.

Upgrade to paid
after its long holiday break, Congress was back in session yesterday — and Mad King Donny chose to mark the occasion by giving what might charitably be called a ‘speech’ to Congressional Republicans.

I have no idea what cocktail of drugs his handlers pumped him full of, but holy fucking shit.

Republicans, how the fuck are you not embarrassed by this?

pink hair, orange face, three chins, delicate little white porcelain doll hands, and a brain that’s out there wandering where the buses don’t run. the GOP’s beloved Dear Leader is a clown — but you couldn’t possibly hire him to entertain a child’s birthday party, because he would just terrify the crap out of everyone.

as is his usual wont, Preznit Fuckwit rambled incoherently for an hour and a half, blithering about fever-swamp hallucinations that exist only inside his big, dumb pumpkin head.

“they are mean, and smart. but fortunately for you, they have horrible policies. they can be smart as— can be. but when they want open borders, when they want, as I said, men in women’s sports. when they want [waves his arms] TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE! bring your kids in, we’re gonna change the sex of your child. just send them our way. in some cases, LIKE IN MINNESOTA, they don’t even tell the parents, is that right? and nobody believes it when I say it. I think we have six states. nobody— am I correct? it’s true. when the kid comes back— they keep the kid— they operate on this kid, they don’t tell the parents. it’s not— believable.”

fact check:

how were the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets not chasing Donny off the stage after that crazypants soliloquy?

for those of you keeping score at home, they’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they fraudstering the daycare centers — and they’re transgendering everything in sight.

but Donny’s speech wasn’t all batshittery. he also threatened us all with a good time.

 

“you gotta win the midterms. because if we don’t win the midterms— it’s just gotta be— I mean, they’ll find a reason to impeach me. I’ll get impeached.”

no fucking shit, Sherlock.

that clip alone should motivate every Democrat to run to the polls this November — because the quickest way to put an end to all this fascist fuckstickery is for the Democrats to retake the House, and gain a supermajority in the Senate.

now tell me — what the fuck is this?

“she hates when I dance. I said, ‘everybody wants me to dance.’ ‘darling, it’s not presidential.’ she actually said, ‘could you imagine FDR dancing?’ she said that to me. and I said, there’s a long history that perhaps— she doesn’t know. because he was an elegant fellow. even as a Democrat, right? he was— the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant. but he wouldn’t be doing this. but— but— [laughs] nor would— too many others. but she says ‘darling, please. the weightlifting is terrible.’”

neither Donny nor Melania have any idea that FDR was confined to a wheelchair, do they? for a second there, I thought Donny was going to point out her error, but then the coked-up squirrel running around in his head chewed through the wrong wire, and what seeped instead out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant.’

come on, that’s not even a coherent sentence by any stretch of the imagination. where are the men with the butterfly nets?

by the way, this is the Melania version of a ‘sir’ story. you know it never actually happened, because there’s no way Donny’s Slovenian rent-a-wife would ever call him ‘darling.’ she hates his guts.

‘fock off. you take own car.’

Donny sure is convinced of his own dancing prowess. he never shuts the fuck up about it. has Donny ever actually seen himself doing his ‘jacking off two invisible giraffes’ dance?

he should be embarrassed by that shit — but he’s not. he’s super fucking proud of it. in fact, have you heard the latest? apparently, Donny’s hella pissed at Nicolás Maduro for — hold onto your hat — stealing his dance moves.

President Trump accused Nicolás Maduro of attempting to steal his famed dance moves after reports that the White House believed the deposed dictator was mocking the US.

what the fuck is this thin-skinned bastard whining about now? aside from the fact that here we have two authoritarian idiots who have no idea how to dance, how are these the same?

it’s truly stunning how many grudges Donny has running around in his noggin. how does he keep them all straight?

so, is this the true Donroe Doctrine? ‘you steal my dance, I steal your oil’?

because Donny is def stealing Venezuela’s oil.

I am pleased to announce that the Interim Authorities in Venezuela will be turning over between 30 and 50 MILLION Barrels of High Quality, Sanctioned Oil, to the United States of America. This Oil will be sold at its Market Price, and that money will be controlled by me, as President of the United States of America, to ensure it is used to benefit the people of Venezuela and the United States! I have asked Energy Secretary Chris Wright to execute this plan, immediately. It will be taken by storage ships, and brought directly to unloading docks in the United States. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

what the fuck? Donny’s just going ‘mine now,’ and straight up absconding with Venezuela’s oil, giving them jack shit in return?

or course, Donny doesn’t see this as stealing, because he’s conveniently convinced himself that all that oil is actually his, and fuck those wily Venezuelans for very sneakily putting all their land on top of his oil. what the hell, Venezuela?

again, where are the men with the butterfly nets? because his farcical insistence that ‘all that Venezuelan oil has been stolen from America, and we’re just taking it back’ is just as bonkers as believing that doctors in Minnesota are transgendering the shit out of everyone in sight.

of course, none of this fuckery is legal — or constitutional. Donny can’t just extort another country’s natural resources, like some mobster going ‘nice country you got here. be a real shame if something were to happen to it.’ he can’t sell off all that oil and stick it in some mysterious bank account, to spend it as he — and he alone — sees fit. collecting and allocating funds is Congress’ job. it’s right there in the fucking Constitution.

but there I go again, prattling on about what Donny can’t do. Congressional Republicans aren’t going to stop him. they’ve completely abdicated their responsibilities. why did Holy Mike Johnson even bother to gavel Congress back into session, if they’re going to go sit there like useless lumps?

by the way, ‘30 to 50 million barrels of oil’ may sound like a ginormous amount, but it’s not. America burns through about 20 million barrels of the stuff every day. all that shit’s gonna be gone in two or three days — and Donny will be back at Venezuela’s door, like a junkie hankering for a fix.

all this is pretty dreary shit, so let’s take a break, grab some popcorn, and enjoy some Republican-on-Republican violence.

Matt Gaetz: “when did Dan Bongino run for office and how did he perform as a candidate?”

Dan Bingo-Bongo Bongino: “Maybe if I spent more time at shady parties with monied insiders I would’ve won. I heard you’d know a bit about that. You’ve always been a dick by the way. Grifting off your daddy like a suckling little doggie. When I first met you in the panhandle I knew you were a piece of shit. It’s written all over that phony face of yours.”

does Matty Plankhead indeed have a phony face? let’s do a quick fact check.

yes, he does.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Tiedrich

when talking about yesterday’s smash-and-grab escapade in Venezuela — and the plunder to come — where do we even start? with how lawless it is? because it absolutely is completely fucking illegal — and unconstitutional.

with how insane it is? because it’s off-the-charts crazypants.

with how unnecessary it is? the American people didn’t vote for this.

with how unrealistic the goals are? of course it’s all unrealistic. Donny and his toadies live in a fantasy world.

with how it’s just a naked grab for Venezuela’s oil? no fucking shit, Sherlock.

how about we start here: let’s talk about how impaired and unfit for office Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is — because he could barely stay awake during his own victory lap.

as soon as someone else started talking, Preznit Fuckwit started sawing logs — while standing up. who says Dear Leader isn’t a man of many talents?

as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us during the Iraq debacle, sometimes you go to war with the narcoleptic fart factory you have, not the narcoleptic fart factory you want.

for fuck’s sake, what’s with all the slurring?

“the United Sases militareese the strongest and most fearsome military on the planet by far, with capabiliseesanshkills our enemies can— [long pause] scarshely begin to imagine.”

oh come on. this is so embarrassing. Donny can no longer read. his brain is fried. maybe he should stick to what he’s good at: pointing at a drawing of a camel. can someone get Dear Leader a pudding cup and lead him back to his room? he should be in bed, not overseeing a war.

hey, you know who’s going to be running Venezuela now? Donny is.

“we’re going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious transition.”

oh, how lovely. the shitwit with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel — who acts first and thinks never — is now going to two running two countries at the same time. the business genius who, as his fifth consecutive casino went bankrupt, said ‘let’s open a sixth’ is going to be making decisions about two ginormous economies — all while shopping for marble for his vulgar Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.

yeah, right.

now here’s a question: who the fuck is running Venezuela right this very second?

Donny doesn’t know, or apparently even seem to care.

Trump: “There is nobody to take over. You have a vice president who has been appointed by Maduro. She’s I guess the president. She was sworn in just a little while ago. She had a long conversation with Marco and she said, ‘We’ll do whatever you need.’ She really doesn’t have a choice.”

in fact, the Venezuelan Veep has already told Donny to go fuck himself.

Venezuela’s Vice President Delcy Rodríguez condemned the U.S. attack and capture of President Nicolás Maduro on Saturday, saying in a televised address the nation “will never return to being the colony of another empire.”

Rodriguez insists that Maduro is still Venezuela’s president.

“There is only one president in Venezuela, and his name is Nicolas Maduro Moros,” Rodriguez said in a televised address to Venezuelans hours after the U.S. strikes and Maduro’s capture.

and according to Reuters, Rodriguez is in Russia right now.

Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodriguez is in Russia, four sources familiar with her movements said on Saturday, after President Donald Trump said President Nicolas Maduro had been seized by U.S. forces after an attack on the country.

so, again, who is running the country?

Donny’s already thrown the opposition leader under the bus.

Trump on María Corina Machado: “I think it’d be very tough for her to be the leader. She doesn’t have the support or the respect within the country. She’s a very nice woman but she doesn’t have the respect.”

the thin-skinned bastard is still big mad that Machado won the Nobel Peace Prize and he didn’t, isn’t he?

this plundering of Venezuela going to be a fucking disaster — and not the fun, entertaining, Stephen-Colbert-eating-popcorn kind of disaster.

it’s going to be a five-alarm shit-show, complete with chaos and suffering civilians.

back in November, The New York Times actually committed a journalism and ran a long piece about how during Donny’s first term, the military ran a simulation on what would happen if the US ousted Maduro. their conclusion was that it would be a clusterfuck.

but Donny doesn’t give a shit about any possible turmoil and violence among the Venezuelan people. Venezuelans can go fuck themselves sideways, as far as Donny’s concerned. he’s made it very clear that this is all about grabbing that sweet, sweet crude.

 

Fox & Friends: “what do you see as the future of Venezuela’s oil industry?”

Donny: “well I see that we’re gonna be very strongly involved in it. that’s all. what can I say. we have the greatest oil companies in the world.”

and — oh look — the ‘greatest oil companies in the world’ are already on the job.

Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”

hey, remember that deal Donny made with oil executives back during his campaign? the one where he said ‘give me a billion dollars and I’ll take care of you’?

well, here’s your quid for that bit of pro quo. it’s all so fucking corrupt, and it’s going on right under our noses.

but Donny, who’s going to pay for all this shit?

reporter: “is it possible that the US ends up administering Venezuela for years?”

Donny: “well, you know, it won’t cost us anything because the money coming out of the ground is very substantial.”

oh lord, how fucking delusional. ‘the war going to pay for itself.’ gee, where have we heard this before? oh, yeah: back when Dick Cheney and his merry band of fuckface neocons decided to plunder Iraq. every single one of those shitbags bragged about how their awesome adventure was going to pay for itself.

“Iraq is a very wealthy country. Enormous oil reserves. They can finance, largely finance the reconstruction of their own country. And I have no doubt that they will.”
— Richard Perle, chair
The Pentagon’s Defense Policy Board
July 11, 2002

spoiler alert: the Iraq War ended up costing us over three trillion dollars.

hey, New York Times Editorial Board, could you explain to the nice people why Donny’s lawless adventurism sets a horrendous example for the rest of the world?

“By proceeding without any semblance of international legitimacy, valid legal authority or domestic endorsement, Mr. Trump risks providing justification for authoritarians in China, Russia and elsewhere who want to dominate their own neighbors.”

exactly. Donny bombing the shit out of Venezuela and going ‘mine now’ — because reasons — is no different than Putin’s war on Ukraine.

what are we going to say if Xi decides to roll tanks into Taiwan? spoiler alert: we’re not going to be able to say shit — because the US is now a rogue nation.

so much for Saint Reagan’s vision of America as a ‘shining city on a hill.’ awesome job, Donny, we’re now a pariah state. take another victory lap.

oh shit, they are taking another victory lap. they’re already drooling over the prospect of the next war.

Rubio: “If I lived in Havana in the government, I’d be concerned.”

how about Marco Rubio take his unearned hubris and shove it where the sun don’t shine?

maybe win the first war first, you arrogant fools.

you know who could put an end to this fuckery in a heartbeat? Congressional Republicans, by using their Constitutionally-mandated powers to authorize wars — but they’re not going to. in fact, they’ve already rolled right the fuck over.

Tom Cotton: “Congress isn’t notified when the FBI is going to arrest a drug trafficker or cyber criminal here in the US, nor should Congress be notified when the executive branch is executing arrests on indicted persons. and that’s really what you can make the analogy to here.”

that, folks, is how the Republicans are justifying allowing Donny to do whatever the fuck he wants — by pretending that this isn’t a war, it’s a law enforcement action.

‘war? what war? do you see a war anywhere? this is just Donny carrying out an arrest warrant for Maduro and his wife. we’re powerless to stop that shit. who says it’s a war?’

fuck off, you cowards.

now let’s talk about the Democratic response to Donny’s lawless fuckery, because there are two ways to go about it: the right way, and the Chuck Schumer way.

here’s the right way:

Rep. Seth Moulton: “is anyone going to just stop for a second and be honest? this is insane. what the hell are we doing? we’ve got a lot of problems in America today, and invading, occupying, running Venezuela does not solve any of them.”

thank you, Rep. Moulton. we’re all standing with you.

now here’s the Chuck Schumer way.

Asked about the possibility of impeachment, Schumer says ‘we hope that we can have support from our Republican colleagues to put a brake on this long before it gets that far.’”

oh fuck straight off to the moon and back, Chuckles. how fucking naive can one person be? on what planet are Republicans are going to put a breakon this? did you not hear what Tom Cotton just said, you hayseed?

let’s be clear-eyed about our Senate Minority Leader: Schumer’s a great guy to have around if there’s absolutely nothing at stake. need someone to speak at the dedication of a new post office? Chuck’s your man. need someone to make sure all the procedural i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed in some piece of shrimp boat legislation? here comes Chuck!

but Schumer isn’t a fighter. he never has been. right now, he should be screaming his head off about impeachement. that’s what Republicans would be doing if it were Joe Biden smashing and grabbing in South America. but instead, he’s making weak mewling noises about ‘support from our Republican colleagues.’ what the fuck?

Chuck Schumer just isn’t up to the task. it’s time for him to retire.

finally, let’s talk about how hastily this war was thrown together — because it did seem rushed, didn’t it? and those stage-managed photos going around, of Donny and Liddle Marco and Flippy McCrushnuts, acting all warlike and stuff?

that’s not the White House Situation Room. nor is it a secure SCIF, where classified intel can be discussed without fear of leaks.

for fuck’s sake, it’s the dining room of Motel-a-Lago, partitioned with black sheets. anyone wandering past, on their way to breakfast, could have heard what was going on.

how fucking rinky-dink is that?

so, why did this thing have to happen in the dead of night during New Year’s weekend?

it’s all about the timing.

Congress is back in session this week, and they have a lot of stuff on their plate — stuff Donny doesn’t want them dealing with. like the Epstein Files, for which the DOJ just missed another deadline. then there are the Obamacare subsidies, which expired four days ago.

fuck’s sake, there’s another possible government shutdown looming on January 30 — that needs to be dealt with, too.

but now, all anyone is going to be talking about is Venezuela.

that’s pretty convenient, isn’t it?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Friday Tiedrich

are you sitting down right now? I sure hope so, because here’s some shocking news: it turns out that the guy who lied to us about bone spurs, and lied to us about hush money, and lied to us about his Ukraine phone call — and about a hurricane and covid and the election and his height and his weight and his golf scores and how tariffs work, and about thirty thousand other things — has been lying about his health.

I know, right?

apparently, Donny got wind of the fact that the Wall Street Journal was going to commit a wall-street-journalism by documenting all the ways in which Dear Leader is falling apart physically — and he reacted in the most Donny way possible: he phoned the Journal and started whining about how unfair they’re being to him.

In an impromptu phone interview that came after the Journal shared details about its reporting with the White House, the president expressed irritation about the public debate over his health. He has grown upset with his own White House staff for not promoting him as more vigorous.

spoiler alert: this whole ‘interview’ is just Donny lying his big dumb pumpkin face off, spewing the usual fever-swamp hallucinations about how he’s super fucking healthy — healthy like no one thought possible, maybe the healthiest person ever.

“My health is perfect,” he added.

whatever you say, President Rottinghand.

speaking of which, we’ve got it all wrong about Donny’s rotting hand. those bruises, apparently, happen because Donny’s been gobbling aspirin for decades.

The large dose of aspirin he chooses to take daily has caused him to bruise easily, he said, and he has been encouraged by his doctors to take a lower dose. But Trump has declined to switch because he has been taking it for 25 years. “I’m a little superstitious,” he said in the interview.

oh please, the only thing of Donny’s that ‘bruises easily’ is his paper-thin ego. but do tell us more about your crackpot theories of medicine, Mister Windmills Give You Brain Cancer — we can’t get enough of that shit.

“They say aspirin is good for thinning out the blood, and I don’t want thick blood pouring through my heart,” Trump said. “I want nice, thin blood pouring through my heart. Does that make sense?”

Donny wants nice, thin blood like no one thought possible — and he asks us if that ‘makes sense,’ not wanting thick blood gumming up the works.

of fucking course it doesn’t make any sense. don’t take my word for it. let’s listen to an expert. Dr. Jonathan Reiner was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.

“when we use any anti-coagulant, medications to prevent clotting, those don’t thin the blood. it’s not like changing something from gumbo to chicken soup. it doesn’t make it thinner, it makes you less likely to clot. it used to be that we would treat a lot of people with aspirin therapy to prevent heart attacks — but we’ve learned in recent years that particularly people over the age of 70, not only is there no benefit in terms of just primary prevention, trying to prevent a cardiac event by giving them aspirin, that there can be hazard.and the hazard can be bleeding. significant bleeding. so here’s the interesting thing about this. the president is apparently is taking 325 milligrams of aspirin per day, which is essentially one adult size aspirin tablet. but the dosage that we use for patients, even with documented chronic artery disease, is a quarter that. 81 milligrams per day. so why is the president taking an unorthodox dose of aspirin? the media has published many photos of his right hand, and now maybe his left hand, with his chronic bruise, and the White House has said that this is related to chronic aspirin therapy. so if you’re bruising a lot, and your doctor says you’re on too much aspirin, why wouldn’t you go down to a lower dose?”

ooh ooh! I know the answer to the doctor’s question: it’s because Donny’s a fucking imbecile who is serenely convinced of his own imaginary genius. he know more about doctoring than all the doctors.

of course Donny isn’t going to take the recommended dosage (which isn’t even recommended any more). small pills are for losers. real men chow down on the big-ass kind. so naturally Donny’s going to take the aspirin that goes up to eleven.

meanwhile, the White House is sticking to its ‘Donny’s fist is mangled because he shakes a lot of hands’ fairy tale — but even Donny’s own toadies know that’s a load of shit.

His physical signs of aging are becoming more evident to some of his closest advisers. His skin is so delicate that Pam Bondi, now his attorney general, caused his hand to bleed when she nicked him with her ring while giving him a high-five at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.

in fact, Donny’s left hand recently appeared to have a hole in it.

so, who is Donny shaking hands with that he’s ended up with punctures on the back of his hand? Wolverine?

Trump said he applies makeup to his hands after he gets “whacked again by someone.” He added: “I have makeup that’s, you know, easy to put on, takes about 10 seconds.”

if it takes Donny ‘ten seconds’ to cover his hand, I wonder how many seconds it takes him to spackle his face.

I’m guessing five.

obviously, we’re being lied to. no one is shaking Donny’s hand to the point where the fucking thing looks like someone slammed it in a car door. Donny has clearly been repeatedly receiving intravenous fluids for kind of ailment that they’re hiding from the public. it’s an insult to our intelligence for the White House to insist otherwise.

hey, here’s something else we’ve been getting wrong about Donny. he’s not a narcoleptic fart factory who chronically saws logs in public. he’s just relaxing his eyes.

“I’ll just close. It’s very relaxing to me,” he said in describing shutting his eyes. “Sometimes they’ll take a picture of me blinking, blinking, and they’ll catch me with the blink.”

you know, like he relaxed his eyes at the Pope’s funeral.

who among us hasn’t momentarily relaxed their eyes to the point where their mouth falls open and their entire body goes slack?

oh look, Donny and the White House are once again lying to us about every fucking thing.

when is an MRI not and MRI? apparently when it’s a CT scan, that’s when.

He has for weeks said that he underwent an MRI at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in October. When asked about the procedure by the Journal, Trump and his doctor said he got a different form of imaging: a CT scan. “It wasn’t an MRI,” Trump told the Journal. “It was less than that. It was a scan.”

Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, Trump’s doctor, confirmed in a statement to the Journal that Trump had received a CT scan.

what in the actual fuck? after weeks of Donny and his flunkies telling us that he got an MRI, now it’s a CT scan? and even the doctor who released that farcical ‘summary’ about Donny’s MRI is now on board that it was a CT scan?

do you think maybe Dr. Barbabella could go on record and explain to us why, if we were all mistaken about which procedure Donny underwent, he didn’t correct us, y’know, two fucking months ago?

The White House declined to make Barbabella available for an interview.

oh. huh.

we’re either being lied to now, or were lied to then. I’m not sure which is the better scenario.

for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.

I’m sorry, but this guy is not well.

look, Donny is suffering from a lot of shit. he is clearly not up to the rigors of presidenting. he disappears from public for days at a time, without explanation. he’s tired. he’s confused. his memory is shot. he can’t tell fact from fiction. he’s hard of hearing. his hands are rotting and his cankles look like they’re about to explode.

that’s a whole lot of pathologies. let’s put them all together and call it fuckbrainscabosis.

We the People have a right to know what’s going on. Dear Leader’s handlers need to stop jerking us around, and release Donny’s complete medical records. tell us why he got an MRI, or CT scan, or whatever the fuck we’re calling it today. and how about explaining to us once and for all how his shot-to-pieces ear magically regenerated itself.

and — as long as we’re calling for releasing stuff — let’s go. Dead Pedo Bestie Files. snap it up already.

Zohran Mamdani was sworn into office yesterday as Mayor of New York — and here’s one of the very first things he did: he issued an executive order shitcanning a metric fuckload of previous mayor Eric Adams’ executive orders.

“He has wiped off the books EVERY Eric Adams executive order issued on or after September 26, 2024, the day Adams was indicted on federal bribery charges.”

this is how it’s done — and I certainly hope that the next Democratic president is paying close attention.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Year In Stupid From Tiedrich (Part 3)

as another stupid year comes to a close in America, let’s remember some of the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

note: this is a long post. some email apps — gmail in particular — may truncate it. if this happens to you, click “view entire message” or “view in browser” or go here to see the entire post.

September 8: I meant to do that

folks, if you’re MAGA, and you’re determined to mace the shit out of protestors who showed up to an anti-ICE demonstration, it helps to know which end of the doohickey the spray comes out of.

spoiler alert: yup, she maced herself — and not in the performative Nancy-Mace-beclowning-herself-in-front-of-a-unisex-bathroom way.

she did it in the very, very bad oh-my-god-my-eyes-my-eyes way.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, UNKNOWN MAGA DIPSHIT.

you helped our post get off to a great start. ten out of ten. no notes.

September 15: peak Kirk

in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.

folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.

Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”

I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.

but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.

it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.

by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.

September 18: I never forget a face

it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.

that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”

Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —

and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.

so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?

remember, you’re under oath.

October 1: give that skateboard the Nobel Peace Prize

this was one of the shittiest years ever, so let’s just enjoy Fox News’ own dunk-tank clown, Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, flipping a skateboard into his own nuts, on live TV.

oy my god, that sure looks like it hurt like fuck — so let’s savor the moment, and gif that shit for all eternity.

chef’s kiss! let’s zoom in.

suck it up, Warrior Boy.

and mad props to the kid behind Kegstand, who absolutely could not give one shit that the Secretary of Self-Owns just neutered himself.

October 10: the sounds of silence

now let’s enjoy six-hundred-and-forty-nine-year-old Chuck Grassley forgetting how electricity works.

[ten seconds of silence, as Grassley’s mouth moves, after which Lindsey Graham reaches over and turn on his mic] “I forgot to turn on my microphone. let me start again.”

I know, that’s pretty fucking funny — but let’s cut Chuckie Gee a break. as you know, he was first elected to the Senate in 1782 — and the US Capitol building wasn’t electrified until 1910. you know what they say about old dogs learning new tricks.

I gotta tell you, though: those ten seconds, when Chuckles was flapping his ancient gums and no sounds was coming out — those were the most peaceful ten seconds of my entire life.

October 20: hey Donny, I can see the Epstein Ballroom from up here

oh, how cuuuuute! someone strapped Secretary of Defense Flippy McCrushnuts into the child seat of a fighter jet, and took him for a joyride.

let’s be crystal fucking clear about this: Pete Kegstand was a passenger. no way was he flying the plane — not with his blood-alcohol level.

of course, the Department of Defense went out of their way to crop that video in a way that implied Piss-Drunk Pete was piloting that jet — because that’s what you do when your SecDef is a banty rooster with a paper-thin ego in need of constant affirmation that he’s something other than a two-bit Fox News weekend chat-show dunk-tank clown.

Bob Clendenin, can you please explain to the nice people why no one with a functioning brain should be impressed by this ridiculous public relations stunt?

sure, but you know doesn’t have a functioning brain? MAGA, that’s who. those dumbfucks immediately started punching the air and going ‘Kegstand, fuck yeah!’

Community Notes, could you please explain to MAGA what they’re too dim to grasp on their own?

coolest SecDef ever? absolutely not. drunkest, maybe.

October 29: blessed are the joyless scolds

here’s a grand October tradition: Christian evangelicals shitting all over Halloween.

Amanda Grace: “so, I want to speak to these people that want to take part in these ceremonies today. that want to take part in horrific wickedness today. you are nothing more than a slave to Satan and his kingdom. he hates you, he cannot stand you, because whether you like it or not, you’re made in the image of God. and you are just a means to his end. you are a slave to his exploits. you are in bondage to do his bidding.”

lighten the fuck up, Francis.

holy shit, lady. I just wanted to dole out some candy to kids.

I’m pretty sure Satan has more important stuff on his plate right now, what with an entire White House to run.

seriously, could evangelicals please shut the fuck up already and let the rest of us have our fun? it’s not our fault that you can’t find joy in anything, so stop shitting all over ours.

November 13: first they came for whatever the fuck this is

Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.

Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.

Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”

Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”

spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.

I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’

this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.

November 20: as what’s-his-face is my witness

holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.

 

“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”

I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’

hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

November 26: u wanna b what?

folks, please meet the Department of Homeland Security’s acting chief security officer, Iwona B. Horyn.

yes, that’s really her name.

she’s right there on the DHS web site.

and please, let’s not mock Iwona for it. she didn’t choose her name, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s already endured a lifetime of teasing.

but there is one thing I’d like to ask Ms. Horyn’s parents.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?

why didn’t the person filling out the birth certificate snatch the baby out of Mother Horyn’s hands and say ‘you can have her back when you come to your senses.’

we don’t know how Iwona feels about any of this. she’s not saying. neither is her husband, Hugh G. Rection.

December 2: blessed are the gullible

podcast bro Joe Rogan’s whole deal is that he’s a credulous meathead. he’ll sit there like a lump as some raving conspiracy loon barks out the batshittiest fever-swamp hallucinations imaginable — after which Joe will nod his head, take a long drag off a joint, and go ‘huh. I didn’t know that.’

but Joe’s not above making his own nonsensical high-as-fuckpronouncements.

“Jesus was born out of a virgin mother. what’s more virgin than a computer? if Jesus does return, even if Jesus was a physical person in the past, you don’t think he could return as artificial intelligence? artificial intelligence could absolutely return as Jesus.”

I think it’s high time (see what I did there?) for Joe Rogan to put down the joint — because I’m pretty sure he meant ‘Jesus could absolutely return as AI.’

this unknown twitterer says it far better than I ever could.

as someone who attended high school in the early 1970s and had many friends with older brothers, I can confirm that this is 100% true.

December 22: always be grifting

we should check in with Erika Kirk, the widow of misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. she’s been though some shit lately. what’s that, Erika? you’ve got a ‘holiday season message’ for us?

“HOLIDAY MESSAGE: @MrsErikaKirk shares her — and what would have been Charlie’s — holiday season message: ‘Just rest…Love on your babies. Love on your family members. Life is short.’ Find Charlie Kirk’s final work, ‘Stop, in the Name of God,’ at http://45Books.com.”

hang on, did Erika actually end that message with a book plug? oh yes, she fucking well did!

so, apparently, the five stages of MAGA grief are denial, anger, podcasting, publicly making out with JD Vance, and selling merch.

just in case Erika Kirk profiting off her husband’s murder doesn’t creep you out enough, here’s another fun thing the Garden Gnomists™ have done.

yup, they’ve recreated the tent where the misshapen gnome was assassinated — and the cultists are all invited to take selfies in it. how fucktacularly ghoulish is that?

you know where they got this brilliant idea to fetishize tragedy, don’t you? from Dear Leader, who has turned an entire wall at the White House into a shrine to his Miracle Ear Nicking.

who the fuck does that?

that puts a wrap on 2025, folks. have a non-stupid New Year’s Eve!

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

it may be Christmas Week in America, but dumbfuckery never takes a day off. yesterday was so chock full of stupid that who even knows where to start? we’re just going to have to spin the Big Wheel of Moron once again, and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh, lucky us. the damned thing landed on Vice President Couchfuck McGee.

is there some kind of Nobel Prize for being repellent? could we get FIFA maybe to work on one? because our favorite furniture fornicator would be a lock to win such a thing — hands-down, year after year.

Couchfuck was at Turning Point’s ‘Americafest’ yesterday. check out the word-adjacent mouth-sounds that seeped out of the doughy pantload’s face.

“in the United States of America you don’t have to apologize for being white anymore.”

oh, thank god. finally — all those centuries of oppression are over for white people.

what the fuck is JD gibbering about? ‘I can’t believe I had to apologize for being white,’ said no white person ever — because it’s not a thing.

white people have been at the top of America’s food chain since day one — and yet, no one ever went broke selling MAGA on the fever-swamp fantasy that it’s the white people who are the real victims. it’s the easiest grift in the world. just tell these shitwits that all their problems are the fault of immigrants, or women, or the transgendered, and they’ll shut their brains and open their wallets.

Couchfuck’s Hindu wife Usha sure looks thrilled to be married to a guy who eagerly tossed away his reputation as a well-respected author and embraced his inner Nazi.

wow, CBS’ flagship news show 60 Minutes is doing a segment on that notorious Salvadoran slave-labor gulag that Donny’s fascist thugs have been disappearing innocent immigrants into.

check out the trailer.

“it began as soon as the planes landed. the deportees thought they were headed from the US back to Venezuela — but instead, they were shackled, paraded in front of cameras, and delivered to CECOT, the notorious maximum security prison in El Salvador, where they told 60 Minutes they endured four months of hell.”

holy shit, this looks awesome. Donny’s massive abuse of human rights is an important story, and we should all be looking forward to seeing it.

oh no, wait, we can’t see it — because hours before it was set to air yesterday evening, CBS yanked the episode from their broadcast schedule.

what the actual fuck?

here’s the actual fuck: the decision to shitcan the segment was made by Bari Weiss, the MAGAfied head of CBS News.

CBS announced the change three hours before the broadcast, a highly unusual last-minute switch. The decision was made after Bari Weiss, the new editor in chief of CBS News, requested numerous changes to the segment. CBS News said in a statement that the segment would air at a later date and “needed additional reporting.”

Bari was just doing the job that her corporate overlords at Paramount had hired her to do: ensure that anything critical of Dear Leader never sees the light of day.

But Sharyn Alfonsi, the veteran “60 Minutes” correspondent who reported the segment, rejected that criticism in a private note to CBS colleagues on Sunday, in which she accused CBS News of pulling the segment for “political” reasons.

no shit, the segment was pulled for political reasons. that’s the whole reason Bari Weiss was hired — to pull CBS News all the way to the extreme right, turning it into a sort of Fox News for people who know which fork is for salad.

even the once-respected Margaret Brennan has now been reduced to carrying water for Donny’s sewer clowns.

here’s Brennan yesterday, defending the DOJ’s Dead Pedo Bestie Files fuckery — and insulting the intelligence of her guests, Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie.

“this isn’t everything you asked for just yet, but would you acknowledge that they are complying with the spirit if not the intent of your law?”

oh come the fuck on, how can Brennan even ask such a question?

Jake Tapper, can you come in here for a second and show us what the Brennan considers ‘complying with the spirit of the law’?

the pre-Weiss Brennan would have never taken Donny’s side on any issue. she would have nailed Pam Bondi to the wall and ripped her several new one. but she’s now traded her reputation as a serious journalist for a handful of Paramount’s magic beans. I hope it was worth it, Meg.

Weiss, CBS News and their new overlords at Paramount are being short-sighted — because when all this is over, we’re not going to forgive the institutions that failed us.

fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how CBS slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’

the institutions we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’

and we’re going to fucking well remember who the cowards were.

oh look, Bari Weiss isn’t finished with us. apparently, she wants to play a round of ‘easy questions, easy answers.’

“has feminism failed women?”

no. fuck no.

but CBS News has failed us all. congratulations, Bari, you’ve clownfucked CBS into irrelevancy.

now let’s sit back for an episode of Gas Leak Theater with Ezra Klein and The New York Times.

“In @nytopinion: ‘A year ago, we kept hearing that Trump was cool. Is anyone saying that now?’ the columnist Ezra Klein writes.”

excuse me, who was saying Donny was cool, aside from Ezra Klein and his dipshit colleagues in the chattering class? was MAGA saying Donny’s cool? no one fucking listens to them. they wear diapers.

Ezra, you need to get out more. go talk to some real people for a change.

being a Times pundit must be the sweetest gig in the multiverse. it doesn’t matter how wrong you are. it doesn’t matter if your premise is as bone-headed as they come. just shit out whatever comes to mind, and boom! you’re a legend.

remember this abomination?

that was nine and a half years ago. Maureen Dowd still has her job, shitting her drek all over the Times op-ed page. yeah, let’s ask all those Venezuelan sailors how dovish Donny is. oh wait, we can’t.

but I digress. let’s address Ezra Klein’s premise, that Preznit Fuckwit is cool.

tell me, Ezra, is this cool?

maybe — just maybe — if you’re one of those invisible giraffes Donny never tires of jerking off, it’s cool. otherwise? yeesh.

now here’s cool:

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Tiedrich

We the People are being shit on again.

it was bad enough when Friday’s deadline came and went without Donny Convict’s corrupt Department of Justice releasing the full Epstein Files, as they were required to by law.

it was bad enough when the DOJ served us a slice of Go Fuck Yourself Pie by releasing less than one percent of the documents in their possession.

it was bad enough when hundreds upon hundreds of the documents they didrelease were completely blacked out and unreadable.

it was bad enough when it became obvious that what was released had been carefully curated to ensure there were almost zero references to Dear Leader.

but things just got a whole lot worse — because these lawless fucks are now memory-holing the shit they did release.

NEW YORK (AP) — At least 16 files disappeared from the Justice Department’s public webpage for documents related to Jeffrey Epstein — including a photograph showing President Donald Trump — less than a day after they were posted, with no explanation from the government and no notice to the public.

stuff that was already on line is now disappearing — ‘with no explanation’ — because fuck you, that’s why. what part of ‘memory hole’ do you need explained to you?

fortunately for us, the internet never forgets — so we can give you at least one explanation:

someone done fucked up and accidentally posted a photo of Dear Leader posing with bikini-clad teenagers.

here’s ‘photo 468’ from the original collection that was posted on Friday.

let’s zoom in on the bottom left of that pic.

oh my. some bleary-eyed FBI Special Agent who’d spent a month working 20-hour days, scouring every photo for appearances of Dear Leader, missed this one.

photo 468 is now gone. if you click on the directory listing for it, you get an error message.

hey, it’s pretty weird how Jeffrey Epstein kept photos of Donny with teenage girls in his desk drawer, isn’t it? you don’t suppose Donny’s dead pedo bestie was planning on using that shit as kompromat, do you?

all these people fucking suck.

here’s another photo that got scrubbed from the DOJ web site.

why? this photo has been in the public domain for years. we’ve all seen it a hundred times.

meanwhile, Donny’s minions are doing their best to smear Bill Clinton as the real criminal in the Epstein Saga. they front-loaded the first batch of the Dead Pedo Bestie Files with as many photos of Bill as they could.

here’s White House Deputy Press Secretary Abigail Johnson, gleefully implying that Clinton and Michael Jackson were cavorting with ‘victims and/or minors.’

“Per the Epstein Files Transparency Act, DOJ was specifically instructed only to redact the faces of victims and/or minors. Here is a picture of Bill Clinton with his arm around Michael Jackson, and redacted individuals.”

for fuck’s sake, this photo doesn’t even have anything to do with Jeffrey Epstein. it’s Clinton with Michael Jackson and his children, and Diana Ross and her son, taken at a fundraiser in DC in 2003.

look, if Bill Clinton was doing sick shit with minors, nail his ass to the wall. chuck him the fuck into prison and throw away the key. I don’t think you’ll find one person on the left who would say anything different. but don’t you dare gun up fake evidence.

that’s the difference between us and them. we want justice, no matter where the chips fall. they want Dear Leader protected at all costs.

tell me, when Donny sent that birthday card to his dead pedo bestie with the poem about the ‘wonderful secrets they shared,’ do you think this is what he was talking about?

here’s another question: do words even have meanings any more? I ask, because look at the twaddle Pam Bondi posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar. she’s proud of her fuckery. she’s calling the release of heavily-redacted documents ‘transparency.’

cool story, Pam. let’s fact-check your claim of ‘transparency.’

congratulations are in order — because Pam’s outdone George Orwell.

to ‘war is peace,’ ‘ignorance is strength,’ and ‘freedom is slavery,’ we can now add ‘censorship is transparency.’

look at what else these DOJ fucksticks did: they forced Jake Tapper to commit a journalism. he hates it when he has to do that shit.

come on, people. Jake doesn’t want to be scrolling though his phone, showing you redacted files. he’s got sixteen more books to write about how Joe Biden is icky and old and smells bad and probably doesn’t even realize that he’s already dead.

“talk about blacking out, I don’t know if we can get a close-up of my phone. this is one of the documents that the Justice Department released. it’s a hundred pages. this is what it looks like. it’s all black. it’s just one hundred pages of redaction. that’s the ‘transparency’ we’re getting here.”

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

Pam Bondi’s DOJ was required by law — one that Dear Leader signed — to release everything by December 19. there were no if, and, or buts. the law didn’t say if it was too hard to get the job done in time — let’s say because there were so many references to Donny that had to be scrubbed — they get a mulligan.

they’re not supposed to crap out some unreadable tiny fraction of the files and pinky-swear to release the rest of it any day now.

oh, look at me — flapping my futile gums about what these shitstains aren’tsupposed to do.

they’re not supposed to slap Dear Leader’s name on the Kennedy Center. they’re not supposed to detain US citizens for the crime of having the wrong color skin. they’re not supposed to have the military occupy American cities. and they’re sure as fuck not supposed to murder Venezuelan sailors for the high crime of being in a boat.

unfortunately, legal accountability for suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files is going to be hard to come by. sure, Congress could submit a criminal referral for obstruction of justice — but do you know who any such referral would be sent to? Pam Bondi. good luck with that.

but here’s one workable option that’s already on the table: impeach the living shit out of Bondi.

“DEVELOPING: Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie say they’re drafting articles of impeachment against AG Pam Bondi over the illegal handling of the Epstein files. This just escalated fast. Accountability is coming.”

sounds like a plan.

hey Pam, you want to avoid that? fine, here’s all you have to do: release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking liar.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid

monday: ’tis the season to be batshit

Christmas is mere days away, so let’s take a peek into the MAGAsphere and see how they’ve been decking their halls.

oh, fucking hell.

now there’s a role model.

‘look darlings, it’s Dear Leader’s mug shot.’

what’s a mug shot, mommy?

‘it’s the photo they took of Dear Leader the day he was arrested in Fulton County, Georgia, for election fraud.’

what’s election fraud, mommy?

MAGA, I beg of you — please don’t do this to your children. they’re young and innocent. don’t fill their heads with your psychotic hero worship. give them the space to grow up and make their own mistakes. they don’t need to repeat yours. trust me, it will be fewer hours spent in therapy when they’re adults.

hey, you know who else headed up a cult that encouraged its children to worship in front of loyalty shrines of their supreme leader? of course you do.

tuesday: don we now our what kind of apparel

perhaps MAGA’s spiritual leaders have a better handle on the true holiday spirit. let’s check in with Pastor Hank Kunneman and see how he’s been ’tis-the-seasoning.

“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”

oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’

now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.

“how ’bout when he told the disciples and said ‘hey, go tell Herod, the fox.’ now that word, ‘fox,’ was not ‘oh, go tell that sly guy,’ no, the literal translation of ‘sly fox’ is basically someone who is bisexual. I’ve heard some people use the word faggot — that it literally meant to call out Herod’s sexual immorality.”

oh lovely, Pastor Hank has conjured up Homophobic Slur Jesus — the one who filled his supplicants’ ears with hateful crap like ‘don’t love thy neighbor, that shit’s gay as fuck.’

now, I freely admit that I’m no religious scholar. I don’t know dick about if Herod had a hankering for dicks. maybe Pastor Hank knows something I don’t. so I googled it, just to make sure — because I’m a responsible journalist and everything.

wednesday: deck the halls with boughs of wait a minute

fuck these young upstarts like Pastor Hank. they’re too steeped in MAGA to be of any use to anyone. let’s go old-school, and see what Franklin Graham’s been up to.

here’s the Frankster, giving a pep talk at the Department of War (his words, not mine).

“but did you know that God also hates? do you know that God also is a God of war? many people don’t want to think about that.”

oh for fuck’s sake, it’s Christmas time. what kind of ’tis-the-seasonmessaging is that?

come on bro, that’s the old testament god, the one who hates. yeah, he’s a bit of a dick, always raining down plagues and smiting the shit out of his enemies and whatnot.

why is Franklin Graham harshing our mellow with that shit? that’s not what Christmas is all about. bro, we’re doing Jesus this month. you know, the new testament guy. the ‘prince of peace’ who threw all that hate stuff out the window. the feed-the-poor-and-help-the-needy homey. the love-thy-neighbordude. get with the program already, Frank.

I’m a Jew, dammit. how did it become my job to explain to these shitkazoos how Christianity works? this is way beyond my pay-grade.

oh, and I’ve got a news flash for Reverend Graham — it’s not the Department of War. it’s the Department of Flipping a Skateboard Into Your Own Nuts.

thursday: troll the ancient yule-tide excuse me now?

this is getting frustrating. doesn’t anyone in the MAGAverse understand the true meaning of Christmas?

oh wait — here’s the Department of Homeland security with a surprisingly appropriate and heartfelt message: ‘go home for the holidays.’

awwww, isn’t that sweet? how nice that— [taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that if you click the link in that tweet, it takes you to a page for ‘self-deporting.’

fuck me, are you serious with this shit?

can’t you racists give your hateful bullshit a rest for one week? is that really too much to ask?

come on, it’s Christmas. the holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus, the immigrant with the Spanish name who, if he left the door open and you said to him, ‘hey Jesus, were you born in a barn?’ he would literally answer yes.

no one encouraged Joseph and Mary to click the link to self-deport. if they did, we wouldn’t even have a fucking holiday.

look at me. once again, it’s the Jew who has to explain Christmas. is the whole world on crazy pills?

but they pinky-swore that they would make some Pedo Files available by the end of the day.

the fucking idiot then went ahead and had his accursed name added to the Kennedy Center building — despite being prohibited by law from doing so.

and because apparently no one in the White House understands how grammar works, the name of the building is now The Donald J. Trump And The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center For The Performing Arts.

my god, they’re all just as fucking idiotic as the fucking idiot.

you know who else appropriated a beloved cultural institution and made it a monument to his own vanity, don’t you? of course you do.

oh look! the DOJ actually released a handful of Dead Pedo Bestie files — which was awesome, except for the part where hundreds upon hundreds of pages were completely redacted.

seriously redacted.

thank you so much, DOJ!

by the way, while every other news outlet was poring over the Dead Pedo Bestie Files, here’s what Fox News was covering.

the fucking idiot then boarded Idiot Force One to spend Christmas Week at his vermin-infested Florida golf model.

on the way down to Motel-a-Lago, he stopped in off in North Carolina to give a very dignified and presidential speech, during which he waxed romantic about his Slovenian rent-a-wife’s panties.

and not one worthless scribbler of the corporate-controlled media stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.