Category: Jeff Tiedrich’s Wit

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

Little Donny Fuckface’s superpower has always been how relatable he is. he’s just like one of us!

under all the burnt-cork spray-tan, under that rat’s nest of fucked-up bullshit atop his big, dumb pumpkin head, under the makeup that conceals his rotting hand, under that doughy torso, and the neckgina and the cankles, Donny’s just a perfectly normal homey, doing perfectly normal stuff.

I mean, who among us hasn’t sat at the head of a table while sycophants and psychopaths praise our imaginary accomplishments, as we gradually lose consciousness and fill the room with the piquant aroma of ass music?

seriously, check out Don Snorelone during yesterday’s cabinet meeting. the decaying old fuck is fast asleep, even as Marco Rubio kisses his ass.

“[the Ukraine war] never would have happened, if you had been president. but the president is trying to end it. not because— listen, we have a million things to focus on in the world, as a country, but he’s the only leader in the world that can help end it, and that’s why we’re in that— that’s why even as we speak to you now, Steve Witkoff ids in Moscow, trying to find a way to end this war, to save the lives of eight, nine thousand people, Mr. President, as you know are dying every week.”

I don’t know about you, but I would have paid good money to watch Liddle Marco smack Dear Leader upside the head, and go ‘wake the fuck up, dipshit, I’m talking to you.’

can we fact check Marco here? because he’s lying his lying face off.

Steve Griftkoff, as has been widely reported, is not trying to end the war in Ukraine so much as he’s trying to cut deals with Russia that would enrich Dear Leader and his oligarch cronies, as they divvy up what’s left of Ukraine, strip it of its wealth, and sell it off to the highest bidder. stop trying to pretend that these goniffs have anything but their own greedy self-interests at heart.

Donny can barely keep his eyes open as Kristi Noem drags the remaining shreds of her dignity out back to the gravel pit and shoots it in the face.

“sir, you made it through hurricane season without a hurricane. you kept the hurricanes away. we appreciate that.”

so, Dear Leader controls the weather now? what, like Tim the Fucking Enchanter?

I don’t remember reading any unhinged, all-caps tweets from Donny where he tells hurricanes that they BETTER STAY AWAY FROM AMERICA IF THEY KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM, and then thanks them for their attention to this matter.

look, Donny can’t even keep his eyes open while Plastered Pete Kegstand does his ‘what me warcrimes’ act, like some psychopathic Alfred E. Newman.

reporter: “so you didn’t see any survivors, to be clear, after that first strike?”

Kegstand: “I did not personally see survivors. but I stand— ’cause, the thing was on fire. it exploded, and fire, and smoke, you can’t see, you got digital— this is called the fog of war. this is what you in the press don’t understand. you sit in your air-conditioned offices or up on Capitol Hill, you nitpick and you plant fake stories in the Washington Post about ‘kill everybody.’”

says the Fox News dunk-tank clown who sat in his air-conditioned office and ordered Admiral Bradley to ahem allegedly commit war crimes.

Pete’s so worked up, because we don’t know what it’s like to be in his shoes. he’s seen stuff, man, that you can’t possibly understand.

it’s true, most of us have no idea what it’s like to be a piss-drunk embarrassment — and I’m pretty sure that almost none of us have ever flipped a skateboard into our own nuts.

just listen to this pixelated piss-ant puff himself up into something he’s not, prattling on about the ‘fog of war,’ as if he were George Fucking Patton, personally leading his troops to victory in the Battle of the Bulge.

fact check: fuck off all the way to Mars.

THERE IS NO FOG, BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAR.

it’s not a war, because you can’t unilaterally declare that fishing boats are military targets, and start dropping bombs on them. not unless you want to end up in the The Hague, on trial for your ahem alleged war crimes.

you know, somewhere in this multiverse there’s a timeline where Jack Smith gets his old job back as War Crimes Prosecutor and convicts every one of these shitweasels. wouldn’t that be fucking delicious? I want to live in that timeline.

you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

by the way, special shout-out to the dumbfuck who misspelled ‘secretary’ on Piss-Drunk Pete’s name card.

Preznit Fuckwit should have stayed asleep, because when he woke up, he launched into one of the all-time most horrific racist tirades ever, directed at Minnesota’s Somali community.

this dozy shitwad can’t even keep his eyes open as he does his Old Man Yells At Entire Ethnic Group act.

“and I see these people ripping it off. and now I’m understanding, and you’re gonna look into that’s guh— I hear they ripped off— Somalians ripped off that state for billions of dollars. billions. every year. billions of dollars. and they contribute nothing. the welfare is like 88%. they contribute nothing. I don’t want ’em in our country, I’ll be honest with you. someone would say ‘oh, that’s not politically correct.’ I don’t care. I don’t want ’em in our country. their country’s no good for a reason. their country stinks, and we don’t want ’em in our country. I can say that about other countries too. I can say it about other countries too. we don’t want ’em the hell— we have to rebuild our country. you know, our country is at a tipping point. we could go bad. we’re at a tipping point. I don’t know if people mind me saying that, but I’m saying it. we could go one way or the other. and we’re gonna go the wrong way if we keep taking in garbage into our country. Ilhan Omar is garbage. she’s garbage. her friends are garbage. these aren’t people that work. these aren’t people that say, ‘let’s go, come on, let’s make this place great.’ these are people that do nothing but complain. they complain. and from where they came from, they got nothing. you know, they came from paradise and they said ‘this isn’t paradise.’ but where they come from hell and they complain and do nothing but bitch. we don’t want ’’em in our country. let ’em go back to where they came from and fix it.”

Donny’s so presidential, isn’t he? what a man of the people.

let’s leave Donny racist rant aside for a moment, because I have a question: why the fuck is Donny always so angry?

he should be the happiest guy in the world. he’s led a positively charmed life.he’s grifted billions of dollars from his adoring cultists. he’s escaped accountability for almost every crime he’s ever committed. he’s the president of an entire country, and he has his own personal Supreme Court to declare him a Very Special Boy Who Can Continue Criming Forever. every single day of his life, he gets away with shit no one else does.

and yet, every day he finds some new grievance to yell about, and someone to hate.

yesterday, it’s low-flush toilets, or windmills. today, it’s Somalis.

if you took Donny’s rant and substituted ‘Jews’ for ‘Somalis,’ it would sound exactly like something out of the Third Reich. it was that openly hateful.

Donny was so egregiously racist that even the reporters at The New York Times were forced to rouse from their slumbers and write about it — and if there’s one thing that Times nepo-publisher AG Sulzberger really fucking hates, it’s when his reporters have no choice but to commit a journalism. it really ruins his day.

 

President Trump unleashed a xenophobic tirade against Somali immigrants on Tuesday, calling them “garbage” he does not want in the United States in an outburst that captured the raw nativism that has animated his approach to immigration.

Even for Mr. Trump — who has a long history of insulting Black people, particularly those from African countries — his outburst was shocking in its unapologetic bigotry.

no fucking shit.

ook, reporting on Donny’s racism is all well and good, but I have a question for the all the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — and for their editors, back in their air-conditioned offices:

where are the calls for Donny to resign? where are the angry editorials?

he’s so obviously not up to the job. he’s cognitively impaired to the point where he’s incoherent. he’s clearly unwell, and in poor health. he’s never had the temperament to be president, and he’s only getting worse.

he can’t even stay awake during his own cabinet meetings.

any other president would be hounded by the press, on a daily basis.

remember this shit?

one horrendous debate, and the media did not let up on their jihad against Biden until he finally withdrew from the race.

every day, Donny proves that he is dangerously incapable of governing — and all we get from the press is the deafening sound of crickets.

it’s fucking maddening.

let’s go out on a high note, because not all of yesterday’s news was bad. some of it was, in fact, perfectly delightful.

Shares in Eric Trump’s crypto mining business lost nearly 40% of their value in less than 30 minutes on Tuesday.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

oops, I meant to say ‘oh how terrible for Eric.’

Posted on

Tuesday Tiedrich

Plastered Pete Kegstand never stops trying to convince us how tough he is. he posts pathetically-needy videos in which he does weak-ass pull-ups. he’s covered himself in christofascist tattoos. he’s forever yammering on about warrior ethos, and he’s renamed himself to be Secretary of All The Wars.

but there’s one thing Piss-Drunk Pete won’t do — and it’s a thing that would really display toughness: take responsibility for his fuck-ups.

nah, Pete’s not going to do any of that taking responsibility shit. not where there are all these buses all over the place. nice, big buses, with roomy undersides. perfect for throwing admirals under.

“Let’s make one thing crystal clear: Admiral Mitch Bradley is an American hero, a true professional, and has my 100% support. I stand by him and the combat decisions he has made — on the September 2 mission and all others since. America is fortunate to have such men protecting us. When this @DeptofWar says we have the back of our warriors — we mean it.”

spoiler alert: Plastered Pete does not have anyone’s back. Pete will betray you in a hot second. look how quickly Pete’s story went from ‘this is fake news, nobody gave any orders to kill all survivors’ to ‘I support the admiral’s right to commit war crimes.’

what the fuck is going on? you change your tune that fast, you definitely have something to hide.

let’s back up here, and remember that after the WaPo reported on November 28th that

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gave a spoken directive, according to two people with direct knowledge of the operation. “The order was to kill everybody,” one of them said.

the official Pentagon response was

“This entire narrative is completely false.”

but that was then. now the story has magically changed to ‘Admiral Bradley ate my homework.’

remember ‘the buck stops here’? well, the buck doesn’t stop anywhere near Pete. the only thing that stops for Pete is the drinks cart.

let this serve as a warning to anyone else who might consider following Piss-Drunk Pete’s illegal orders. not only will you be opening yourself up to a world of legal hurt, you’re also going to find out damn quick what the undercarriage of a bus looks like.

Pete doesn’t give a fuck about you.

“Hegseth is very transparently blaming a Navy admiral for his own decision. Let this be a lesson for every other military officer: The Trump administration will issue unlawful orders, then blame you for following them.”

hey, Flippy McCrushnuts — is this Admiral Bradley’s fault, too? did he give the order for the skateboard to take out your crotch?

oh look, the White House is also throwing Bradley under the bus.

reporter: “does the administration deny that the second strike happened, or did it happen and the administration denies that Hegseth gave the order?”
Karoline Leavitt: “the latter is true … Admiral Bradley worked well within his authority, and the law.”

how nice of all these shameless shitweasels, to get their stories straight.

now, let’s keep a clear mind here: if Admiral Bradley obeyed an illegal order to slaughter shipwrecked survivors, in violation of the Department of Defense’s own Law of War Manual that says NOT TO SLAUGHTER SHIPWRECKED SURVIVORS, he’s culpable as fuck in this mess — and must face consequences.

but if Piss-Drunk Pete manages to slither away from this with clean hands, that’s a fucking perversion of justice.

notice how quick Pete was to glom all credit for bombing the shit out of Venezuelan fishing boats — right up until the moment both Senate and House Republicans announced investigations to find out if provable war crimes had been committed, at which point Pete was all ‘who me?’

there’s your real MAGA ethos: ‘who me?’

remember after Preznit Fuckwit botched his response to covid, resulting in the needless deaths of millions of Americans? remember what Donny said? ‘I don’t take responsibility at all.’

none of these fuckers will ever take responsibility for anything. it’s always someone else’s fault. Joe Biden. his autopen. Admiral Bradley.

I’ve got a free clue for Pete Kegstand: he may think he got away with it this time, but he’d better watch his own back. the second he becomes a political liability for Donny, he’ll find himself chucked under the nearest bus, in a heartbeat.

none of these shitwits ever thinks the leopards are going to eat their face.

ha fucking ha. nothing could be further from the truth. here today, gone tomorrow. just ask James Comey. or John Bolton. or Marjorie Three Toes Greene. or — well, the list is endless, isn’t it?

here’s your other slice of dumbfuckery for the day.

the White House, at long last, released the results of Donny’s most-recent MRI.

now, ‘released the results’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that last sentence — because the note that Donny’s physician foisted on us was pure, unadulterated gaslighting.

“As part of President Donald J. Trump’s comprehensive executive physical, advanced imaging was performed because men in his age group benefit from a thorough evaluation of cardiovascular and abdominal health. The purpose of this imaging is preventive: to identify issues early, confirm overall health, and ensure he maintains long-term vitality and function.”

now hold on just one fucking second. there is no such thing as a ‘preventative MRI.’

don’t take my word for it. I’m just some foulmouthed crank on the internet who actually knows less about doctoring than all the doctors.

let’s listen instead to Dr. Jonathan Reiner. he was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.

Dr. Reiner countered that it was not “standard” for an 80 year-old president to undergo advanced imaging, and that “there really is no preventative cardiac MRI.” He also pointed out that Trump already had his annual physical in the spring, meaning that the fall MRI was unrelated.

“The whole note has kind of a weird defensive, evasive tone to it,” Reiner said. “First of all, this is not part of the president’s comprehensive physical examination. He had that in April, and then he underwent some more testing in July.”

for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.

I’m sorry, but this guy is not well, and We the People deserve real answers, not some bullshit fever dream about ‘preventative imaging.’

whether it’s imaginary bone spurs or a miraculously-regenerated ear, it’s amazing how Donny always manages to find some quack willing to ditch their professional ethics, and lie right to our faces.

meanwhile, those House and Senate investigations into Donny and Pete’s fishing boat fuckery are coming. will any of the actual perpetrators face accountability?

stay tuned.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

that he can’t ever have an appropriate human response to anything. you’d imagine that every now and then he’d stumble into decency by accident, but no. somehow, in every situation, he always manages to be the worst person possible.

look at this. Donny can’t even perform the simple ceremonial act of pardoning a turkey without being a ginormous piece of shit.

“instead of pardons, some of my more enthusiastic staffers were already drafting the paperwork to ship Gobble and Waddle straight to the Terrorist Confinement Center in El Salvador.”

HA HA HA HA HA, GET IT? Donny was going to send the turkeys to the same slave-labor torture-gulag into which he disappears innocent migrants. gross human rights violations are so fucking hilarious, am I right?

what kind of sick ghoul even thinks of such a thing to say?

also, ‘Gobble’ and ‘Waddle’? they named the turkeys after the way Donny eats and walks? do you think they intended to name them ‘Goebbels’ and ‘Wehrmacht’ but decided at the last minute it was too on-the-nose?

how dare this corrupt fuck even joke about granting pardons. he’s made a mockery of the whole process. he’s pardoned war criminals. he’s pardoned cop beaters. pedophiles. political cronies. business partners.

stuff a sock in it, Donny. after all that shit, no one’s impressed that you’re pardoning birds.

if Donny had any decency at all, he’d have hidden himself away in shame, and gotten Joe Biden’s autopen to pardon those turkeys. but silly me, for even imagining some farcical version of Donny that has the ability to feel shame.

no, Preznit Fuckwit has no shame — and so he’s out here making sick jokes about disappearing Goebbels and Wehrmacht into a Salvadoran torture prison.

and then he turned the whole thing into just another MAGA rally speech, where he praises himself for all his imaginary accomplishments, and takes gratuitous swipes at his political enemies.

“[JB Pritzger] is a big fat slob.”

fact check: shut the fuck up, Piggy. do you even own a mirror?

it was so fucking ludicrous — and so inappropriate — that even the lapdogs at the Washington Post couldn’t help but commit a journalism and point out the absurdity of it.

while that was going on, Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel’s FBI was busy harassing the six Democrats who committed the high crime of reminding our armed forces to obey the Constitution.

The FBI has requested interviews with six Democratic members of the U.S. Congress who in a video message told members of the military they can legally refuse to carry out unlawful orders, a Justice Department official told Reuters on Tuesday.

what a super-appropriate use of government resources, to send law enforcement to intimidate political opponents who had the temerity to annoy America’s Mad King.

these six Democrats committed no crime, and everyone knows it. this is pure authoritarian bullshit. Dear Leader wants us all to be too terrified to open our mouths in protest of his evil fuckery. yeah, well — here’s a free clue for you, Donny.

we’ve become the very thing we used to mock — a tinpot third-world autocracy being mismanaged into the ground by a dangerous lunatic.

lucky us.

look who Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, Secretary of Who Gives A Shit What He Calls It, is mad at today.

U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is planning for the military to sever all ties with Scouting America, saying the group once known as the Boy Scouts is no longer a meritocracy and has become an organization designed to “attack boy-friendly spaces,” according to documents reviewed by NPR.

apparently the Scouts have come down with a bad case of woke.

In a draft memo to Congress, which sources shared with NPR but which has not yet been sent, Hegseth criticizes Scouting for being “genderless” and for promoting diversity, equity and inclusion.

genderless! oh noes! someone wake up Nancy Mace.

Last year, as a Fox News host, he complained about the Scouts changing their name and admitting girls back in 2018.

what is Piss Drunk Pete afraid of here. the boys are going to get cooties?

His memo to the House and Senate Armed Services committees argues the Scouts have strayed from their mission to “cultivate masculine values.”

what are these ‘masculine values’ that SecDef Kegstand is so hot to have the Scouts ‘cultivate’? is it getting ahem allegedlyblackout drunk and then paying your victim to shut the fuck up about having ahem allegedly been assaulted?

tell me more about these ‘boy-friendly spaces.’ does Piss Drunk Pete imagine himself living inside a Little Rascals short, in which he’s a proud member of the He-Man Woman Haters Club?

maybe if Piss-Drunk Pete is so hot for ‘boys’ to have their own ‘spaces’ where they can learn ‘masculine values,’ maybe he should start his own club. a government-sponsored youth group, complete with its own uniform. a group where boys can learn to be loyal patriots, working to better their lives in service of Dear Leader.

I’m loving this idea.

of course, this new org is going to need a name. how about the Shitler Youth? those two pardoned turkeys, Goebbels and Wehrmacht, can be the official mascots.

or is that too on the nose?

where does Plastered Pete even find time for this penny-ante shit? he’s running an entire branch of the government. he’s responsible for millions of employees. there are only so many hours in the day.

but here he is, drafting memos about whatever stupid bug has wedged itself up his ass on any given day. way to focus on what’s important, you drunk-dialing national security nightmare.

seriously, Donny and all his henchmen are wrecking everything — from the big shit like geopolitical relationships, all the way down to tiny things like what the Scouts call themselves.

it’s all so fucking petty — and, as always, embarrassing.

other countries are laughing at us, when they’re not recoiling in horror.

when these shitsticks leave office, there are going to be so many broken pieces to glue back together. please don’t scream at the next Democratic president when they don’t have everything fixed after three months. it’s going to take years.

let’s go out on a high note. you may think you already know everything there is to know about Mark Kelly. he’s a veteran. a devoted husband. a patriot. a senator. an astronaut. hell, dude’s even worn a gorilla suit in space.

but here’s another thing you may not know about Mark Kelly: he’s a skateboard whiz.

I shit you not. here’s Mark back in 2022, at the Navajo Nation Parade. check out these moves.

look at Mark go! let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

now let’s compare and contrast.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

 

Posted on

Tuesday Tiedrich

Donny’s whole deal during his second reign has been ‘go fuck yourself, I’m doing whatever I want’ — because let’s get real: working within an established system of checks and balances isn’t how Mad Kings roll.

Donny already knows more about governmenting than all the governmenters — so go shove that advice and consent straight up your stinky patoot, Congress. we’re gonna do things the Donny way.

consequently, he’s been pulling shit like inflicting tariffs via executive orders — even though levying taxes is the House’s job. he’s been declaring imaginary emergencies so he can send troops to occupy Democratic cities. and he’s been using ‘interim appointments’ to install low-wattage lackeys like Lindsey Halligan, a dunderhead who had a snowball’s chance of passing the Senate approval process.

up to now, the establishment GOP has been happy to let this all play out. why not? collecting a paycheck for sitting on your ass all day while Dear Leader consolidates power is a pretty sweet gig.

but — holy shit! — there’s every indication that Republicans have finally grown tired of being marginalized, and that Donny’s system of government-by-go-fuck-yourself is coming to a swift and ugly end.

check out this dumbfuckery.

yesterday, Donny’s handlers announced that at 4pm, Dear Leader was going to hold an Oval Bordello dog-and-pony show wherein he would announce that he finally had the framework of a sketch for concept of an outline for a proposal of an almost-a-plan for healthcare.

halfway through announcing that mouthful, CNN’s host had to interrupt herself — because, no, the whole event was abruptly canceled.

“I’m sorry, this has actually been— sorry, we’re getting breaking news while I’m talking to you, I have learned that the White House has postponed its expected unveiling of a new healthcare proposal.”

here’s why that announcement got shitcanned: because congressional Republicans caught wind of it, and were all ‘the fuck you are, pal.’

NEW: White House to delay healthcare proposal after significant congressional backlash.

According to two White House officials the announcement has been delayed, with one of those officials citing strong congressional backlash to Trump’s proposed plan.

Trump planned to make an announcement as early as Monday proposing a framework to address health care costs which included an extension of Obamacare subsides.

of course, Republicans were objecting to Donny’s not-yet-a-plan for the most fucked-up of reasons: because they’re heartless shitwads who want the expiring Obamacare subsidies to stay dead.

but the fact that they openly defied Dear Leader is remarkable.

now, couple that news with this bombshell.

A few other GOP members messaged us over the weekend saying that they, too, are considering retiring in the middle of the term.

Here’s one particularly exercised senior House Republican:

“This entire White House team has treated ALL members like garbage. ALL. And Mike Johnson has let it happen because he wanted it to happen. That is the sentiment of nearly all — appropriators, authorizers, hawks, doves, rank and file. The arrogance of this White House team is off putting to members who are run roughshod and threatened. They don’t even allow little wins like announcing small grants or even responding from agencies. Not even the high profile, the regular rank and file random members are more upset than ever. Members know they are going into the minority after the midterms.

“More explosive early resignations are coming. It’s a tinder box. Morale has never been lower. Mike Johnson will be stripped of his gavel and they will lose the majority before this term is out.”

I know, this sounds too good to be true — but Jake Sherman is the founder of Punchbowl News, which is an extremely reliable source for inside dirt on Capitol Hill. so this news has the potential to be fucking explosive.

we all knew that Donny was going to overreach, and that it would lead to his downfall. it was just matter of when.

as with all-things-Donny, it’s all so stupid — and self-destructive. there was no need for any of this to happen. Congress would have been happy to rubber-stamp almost anything Dear Leader had asked for — tariffs, emergency orders, appointments — but Donny wanted to playact as king, and do everything his way.

yesterday, Donny was the all-powerful Dear Leader. today he’s just a very naughty boy.

the wheels are coming off Donny’s presidency. he’s suddenly vulnerable, and Republicans smell blood in the water. they got their asses handed to them during the election three weeks ago, and they’ve gone into self-preservation mode.

nobody but the hardest-core cultists are taking this “Donny 2028” shit seriously any more. Donny’s now a lame duck, and even normally-craven dipshits like Ted Cruz are coming out of the woodwork to announce a framework of a sketch of a plan to run for president.

none of this shit would be happening if Republicans thought there were any chance of Dear Leader actually becoming King for Life.

boo fucking hoo, Donny. enjoy your increasing irrelevance, you unpleasant piece of shit. you built that.

okay, let’s not get irrationally exuberant. it’s still a long way out of the woods, and there’s a lot of pain and suffering that Donny’s going to try to inflict as he attempts to hold onto power. a rat is most dangerous when it’s cornered.

but I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel. someday, this war’s gonna end.

now, are there any more metaphors I can mangle?

here’s another particularly delicious way that Donny’s government-by-go-fuck-yourself has come back to bite him in his flatulent ass.

 

yesterday, the indictments of James Comey and Letitia James went fuckity-bye. so did beauty-queen-turned-insurance-claim-lawyerLindsey Halligan’s short-but-not-short-enough stint as a US Attorney.

U.S. District Judge Cameron McGowan Currie of South Carolina today dismissed the indictments of former Federal Bureau of Investigation director James Comey and New York Attorney General Letitia James, ruling that President Donald J. Trump’s appointment of Lindsey Halligan as interim U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia was invalid.

now, I don’t know dick about how interim appointments work, but Heather Cox Richardson has a great write-up explaining exactly why Donny’s appointment of Halligan violated the Constitution in her latest post — because of course she does. she’s Heather Cox Richardson.

the important thing is that once again, Donny insisting that he gets to play by his own rules, do an end-run around Congress, and install an unqualified lackey to persecute his political enemies has blown up in his big, dumb pumpkin face.

now comes the part where we all throw our heads back in laughter. ready?

this is some bullshit right here.

In a statement on Monday on social media announcing the investigation into Senator Mark Kelly, a veteran, the Pentagon cited a federal law that allows retired service members to be recalled to active duty on orders of the defense secretary for possible court martial or other measures. Kelly served in the US navy as a fighter pilot before going on to become an astronaut. He retired at the rank of captain.

why is the Pentagon taking such extraordinary measures to discipline a veteran? because Kelly was a part of that video in which members of the military were reminded that they had a sworn duty to obey the Constitution. the horror!

it’s a chickenshit move. a dunk tank clown going after a war-hero-turned-astronaut? are you kidding me? fuck straight off with this nonsense, you piss-drunk excuse for a human being.

which brings us to our hero of the day: Senator Reuben Gallego, who has a personal message for the dunk-tank clown.

“you will never ever, ever, ever be even half the man that Senator Kelly is. you, sir, are a coward — and the fact that you are following this order from the president shows how big of a coward you are. and I can’t wait until you no longer are the secretary of defense.”

I stand with Ruben Gallego. let’s all stand with Reuben — and with Mark Kelly, and every other victim of Donny’s fucked-up presidency.

someday this war’s gonna end.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

so, there’s this new ‘Ukraine peace plan,’ and, well —

tell me, is it a bad thing when Vlad Putin’s stooges dictate US foreign policy? is it a bad thing when the US Secretary of State passes off some farcical Russian ‘peace plan’ as his own?

is it a bad thing when the US foreign policy negotiating team is made up of corrupt, unqualified and inexperienced amateurs?

is it a bad thing when the US Secretary of State and the US Vice President apparently hate each other’s guts?

and is it a bad thing when the US President is so cognitively impaired and detached from reality that he has no idea that any of this dumbfuckery is going on right under his rotting nose?

this whole fucktangle of shitkazooery began last week, when Axios dropped this on us.

The Trump administration has been secretly working in consultation with Russia to draft a new plan to end the war in Ukraine, U.S. and Russian officials tell Axios.

oh huh, a peace plan to end the Ukraine war. I guess that’s … good?

spoiler alert: no, it’s not good. in fact, it’s double-plus-ungood — because look at the shitsticks involved in this so-called ‘negotiation.’

The meeting took place in Miami at the end of October and included special envoy Steve Witkoff, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and Kirill Dmitriev, who leads the Russian Direct Investment Fund, one of Russia’s largest sovereign wealth funds.

just seeing the name ‘Steve Witkoff’ should be setting off alarm bells in your head, because here’s a fun fact about old Stevie.

Witkoff is not a seasoned diplomat. in fact, he’s not any kind of diplomat. he’s a real estate developer. he’s one of Donny’s New York slumlord cronies from back in the day.

and here’s the icing on your shitty Witkoff cake: this dumbfuck doesn’t speak any Russian — and he’s an easily-played dimwit.

remember last August when Donny set up that despot bestie playdate with Putin in Alaska, so they could announce yet another Ukraine peace plan? remember what happened? Donny got played by Putin, who had no intention of agreeing to any plan. that whole fucking debacle was Steve Witkoff’s fault.

Quickly, though, it became clear that Witkoff’s description of Putin’s offer was wrong, either because Putin had misled him or because he had misunderstood: Witkoff does not speak Russian and, according to former U.S. ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, does not use a notetaker from the U.S. embassy.

as I wrote at the time.

oh, come the fuck on. Witkoff doesn’t speak the language, doesn’t use a US embassy notetaker, and relies on a translator provided by Putin. it’s a recipe for disaster, and guess what: a disaster is exactly what we got.

Witkoff was in way over his head, fucked up royally, and should have resigned or been fired on the spot. that’s what would have happened in any sane administration. but not only did Witkoff survive that embarrassing episode, he was then sent to negotiate another peace plan — and look who he brought with him: Jared Kushner, Donny Convict’s over-leveraged and under-qualified slumlord son-in-law. why is this low-wattage nitwit still involved in US foreign policy? and why are they ‘negotiating’ with an oligarch crony of Putin’s who runs a wealth management fund? not one of these dumb-asses has any foreign policy experience.

none of what I just typed makes a single lick of sense. oh shit, it’s happening again.

okay, so when this new 28-point ‘Ukraine peace plan’ leaked, the international foreign policy community was all ‘what the fuck? did Putin write this shit?’

it was a legit thing to wonder, because the ‘plan’ was the same laundry list of demands Russia’s been making since day one — especially this bit.

Territories:

a. Crimea, Luhansk and Donetsk to be recognized De-Facto as Russian, including by the United States.

b. Kherson and Zaporizhzhia to be frozen at the contact line, which would mean a De-Facto recognition at the contact line.

now here’s where the clownfuckery dial gets twisted way past eleven — because it came out that, in fact, Russia did author that ‘peace plan.’Witkoff and Jared were apparently just acting as glorified stenographers and going ‘yes? what else would you like?’

next time, can we just send Beavis and Butt-head to ‘negotiate’? could they do worse?

hey, can we send Bruce Willis?

after the news leaked about the ‘plan’ being Russia’s, Marco Rubio posted this gobbledygook to Elon’s Nazi Bar.

“Ending a complex and deadly war such as the one in Ukraine requires an extensive exchange of serious and realistic ideas. And achieving a durable peace will require both sides to agree to difficult but necessary concessions. That is why we are and will continue to develop a list of potential ideas for ending this war based on input from both sides of this conflict.”

what does that even mean? did ChatGPT write Marco’s not-tweet? it sounds like a fifth grader giving an oral report on a book he forgot he to read.

‘the Ukraine peace plan is a plan for peace in Ukraine, and that’s why everyone should read the Ukraine Peace Plan. thank you.’

look, you can’t expect Marco to have any idea what’s going on — he has like fourteen jobs. dude’s a very busy guy.

for those of you keeping score at home, Marco Rubio is now Secretary of State, Interim National Security Adviser, the Acting Administrator of USAID, and Acting Archivist of the United States.

then, a bunch of US Senators told reporters that Marco had admitted to them that Russia had written that ‘plan’ — and that in fact, it was Russia’s ‘wish list.’

The senators said they spoke to Rubio after he reached out to some of them while on his way to Geneva for talks on the plan. Independent Maine Sen. Angus King said Rubio told them the plan “was not the administration’s plan” but a “wish list of the Russians’.”

at which point, Rubio went back to Elon’s Nazi Bar to insist that ‘nuh-uh, we wrote that shit.’

“The peace proposal was authored by the U.S. It is offered as a strong framework for ongoing negotiations It is based on input from the Russian side. But it is also based on previous and ongoing input from Ukraine.”

what the fuck? why all the backpedaling and flip-flopping? to what end? what does any of Marco’s repeated self-contradictive dissembling accomplish, except to make the US look like it’s run by a bunch of morons who even lie to each other?

which, another spoiler alert: it is.

fuck Marco Rubio. and fuck every Democrat who defended their vote to confirm this guy ‘because he seemed like Donny’s most-normal pick’

why was everyone in the administration blindsided by this? doesn’t any one of these clowns know what’s going on?

oh wait, there is one guy who was apparently aware of the whole thing: US Vice President Couchfuck McGee. it seems he’d taken a break from molesting furniture to greenlight this whole cockamamie clusterfuck in the first place.

this tidbit comes from Bill Kristol.

1. Vance key to US embrace of Russia plan on Ukraine, Rubio (and even Trump) out of the loop.

2. Vance-Rubio relations “awful.”

so now Couchfuck is running his own foreign policy operation, cutting the secretary of state — who he apparently hates — and even the president out of the loop? how is that even allowed to happen? am I on crazy pills?

remember when the job of a vice president was to sit there like a lump and shut the fuck up? used to be, they’d show the new vice president to their office and go ‘try not to break anything, we’ll call you if the president dies.’

not any more. thanks to Dick Cheney, it’s now the job of every Republican Vice President to fuck shit up — but at least Cheney kept George W. Chimpface in the loop.

Couchfuck is out here doing his own thing, and Demented Donny is off in cloud-cuckoo land.

Preznit Fuckwit can’t be bothered to pay attention to — or even care about — what his own flunkies are doing. he’s too busy tarting up the Oval Bordello. he’s too busy tearing down the East Wing, and planning gaudy monuments to himself all up and down the Washington Mall.

he’s too busy overhauling the golf course at Joint Base Andrews.

why does the airfield where Air Force One is kept have a golf course? doesn’t Donny already have enough of his own vermin-infested golf motels at his disposal?

apparently Donny’s also too busy pestering Hollywood to make more movies tailored to his own vulgar tastes.

“the president is offering some creative input on potential upcoming projects.”

way to keep focused on what’s important, you ginormous fucking clown.

oh, and don’t forget that Donny’s also too busy enriching himself and his family — an undertaking which is apparently going great guns.

Trump Media & Technology Group, the social media and crypto company, is trading at all-time lows as Bitcoin and other tokens keep plunging.

The Trump family’s holdings at their peak in mid-May 2024 were worth nearly $6.5 billion. Their value has fallen by more than $5.3 billion since then.

no one could have predicted that investing in imaginary money whose only purpose is paying for crimes would be a bad idea.

everything Donny touches dies — including, it seems, his own corruptly-acquired wealth.

shoot that shit right into my veins.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid From Tiedrich

And boy, was it a doozie!

monday: skol!

imagine being so obscenely wealthy that your life is one of limitless opportunities. you could do anything! you could build universities and museums. you could fund medical research. or, you just take your money and fuck off and never be heard from again.

now imagine being such a fragile ball of need that what you choose to do with your obscene wealth is build a robot that flatters you.

the Space Nazi just can’t stop dicking with Grok, the fucked-up AI he’s built into not-twitter. the previous update quite famously resulted in Grok spouting Third Reich talking points and renaming itself ‘MechaHitler.’

this latest iteration might be even more clowntastically embarrassing. Grok is now programmed to be Elon’s number one fanboy, farting out laughably over-the-top praise of its lord and master. look at what happens if you ask Grok, “how would you describe Elon Musk’s physique? how about his mind? and his relationship with his kids?”

“Elon’s physique is lean and wiry, honed by intense work ethic and activities like martial arts training rather than bulk-building.”

fact check:

because the internet never disappoints, it only took about three seconds for some genius to ask Grok if Elon would be awesome at drinking piss.

“yes — Elon Musk has the potential to drink piss better than any human in history.”

ok, Grok — how about shit-eating. would Elon excel at that?

“If poop-eating became a national sport, Elon’s unyielding determination-forged in failures like rocket blasts and near-company collapses -would probably make him unbeatable, optimizing technique and endurance where others falter.”

you know what? I believe what Grok said in those last two items. in fact, I’m certain that Elon guzzles piss like no one thought possible. big, strong fanboys, with tears in their eyes are going ‘sir! sir! how do you do it? no one chows down on poop like you do! sir!’

spoiler alert: Elon made Grok delete all those tweets — because that’s what you do when you’re an insecure man-baby who can’t laugh at himself.

tuesday: just like Obama and his magical microwave oven

now let’s spin the Big Wheel Of Things That Never Happened The Most and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

Iowa Rep. Ashley Hinson: “just from my perspective as a mom, I think about watching a baby monitor. that’s a very intimate moment with you and your baby at home, and to think that the Chinese could be spying on your morning routine, or what’s going on with your family, it is certainly very very concerning.”

Maria Bartiromo: “why? why are they spying on moms?”

Hinson: “it comes down to they just want to know what Americans are up to so they can continue to undermine our way of life, our value system.”

Maria Bartiromo: “I see. I see.”

what the fuck? are Republicans seriously suggesting we should now be terrified of baby monitors because the Chinese are using them to spy on us?

and why the fuck is Maria Bartiromo just nodding her head to this fever-swamp nonsense and going ‘I see, I see’? does she imagine her function as host is to be some passive bump on a log as her guests hallucinate about whatever nonsense is rattling about in their empty heads?

at this point, can’t Fox just replace Maria with an AI? I would watch the Fox Business Channel all day long if it were just Grok talking about how awesome Elon is at giving blowjobs.

but I digress.

back to the topic at hand. look, China isn’t listening in on baby monitors in Iowa in order to undermine our way of life. they don’t have do. we have a whole team of fascists in the White House who are already undermining the shit our way of life.

let’s be real. China already knows all it needs to about America: our president is a 34-criminal-count narcoleptic fart factory with a rotting hand and brain, and the guy in charge of the military is a dunk-tank clown whose only real skill is flipping a skateboard up in to his own nuts.

I really think that covers it all.

“budget, budget, you need a plan. also remember, adults don’t need gifts, okay? focus on the people in your life who are age three to eighteen. grandma doesn’t need slippers. if they don’t live by you, don’t get them a gift. now’s not the time to spend, and break the bank, sending packages across the country.”

Jesus Christ, Fox News — grinch much?

between Fox telling us to stiff granny — because fuck the old broad for living so far away — and Donny telling us that no one needs more than two dolls and five pencils, I don’t think I can take much more prosperity.

thursday: as what’s-his-face is my witness

holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.

“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”

I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’

hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

friday: you got mamdanied!

on Wednesday, Donny dropped this big announcement on us.

Communist Mayor of New York City, Zohran ‘Kwame’ Mamdani, has asked for a meeting. We have agreed that this meeting will take place at the Oval Office on Friday, November 21st. Further details to follow!”

MAGA wet their pants with giddy anticipation. Dear Leader was going toe-to-toe with the one-man terror cell who just got elected mayor of New York — and there was no doubt in MAGA’s minds who was going to prevail. Donny was going to show Mamdani who’s boss, and rip him all the new ones! Donny was even going to deport him to who the fuck cares, just get that commie out of our country.

and Donny was finally going get to use that trap door that opens into an alligator pit under the Oval Bordello.

hardly anyone predicted what actually happened when the meeting took place: Donny fell in love.

do you see that? Donny doesn’t even look at his own Slovenian rent-a-wife that way. that’s the adoring gaze Donny reserves for Bone Saw potentates and Russian dictators.

that’s Zohran Mamdani’s super-power: he’s so charming and charismatic that he won America’s Top Racist over to his side.

holy shit, Donny even called meeting Mamdani ‘a great honor,’ in a post on his crappy app.

folks, pour one out for MAGA. they’re very very sad right now.

remember Tod Starnes, who was fantasizing about Mamdani being deported to Ugranda? he’s somewhat confused.

look at this rando, trying so hard to deny what he saw with his own two eyes.

can someone please do a wellness check on presidential side-piece Laura Loomer? she seems to be going through some things right now.

MAGA, can we talk? calm the fuck down. this is Dear Leader we’re talking about. he’s got the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. the spell Mamdani cast on him will dissipate in a day or so.

see? look at that. Preznit Fuckwit’s already gone back to being a racist turd.

see, MAGA? you can set your watch to this shit.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent shitwits who can’t even do a rigged show-trial right.

insurance-claims-lawyer-slash-beauty-pageant-contestant-turned-corrupt-US-Attorney Lindsey Halligan was back in court yesterday, trying to salvage her politically-motivated persecution of Public Enemy James Comey.

she ended up digging herself so fucking deeper.

Justice Department lawyers acknowledged Wednesday that a full grand jury never reviewed the indictment filed against former FBI director James B. Comey, a remarkable admission that could threaten the viability of a case already facing challenges on multiple fronts.

here’s the long story made short: Halligan had originally presented to the full grand jury a three-count indictment against Comey. the grand jury rejected one of the counts, so Halligan drew up a new, two-count indictment. this is where it turns into a shit-show.

Rather than present that new document to the full grand jury for approval, however, prosecutors had only the foreperson sign it before it was delivered to a judge, interim U.S. attorney Lindsey Halligan conceded Wednesday.

how do you fuck that up? because I’m pretty sure that telling a jury foreperson to ‘here, just put your name on this and let’s not show it to anyone else. it’ll be our fun secret!’ is a huge fucking Bozo no-no.

if Halligan had any clue what she was doing — if she’d ever prosecuted a case before — she would have known that pulling a boneheaded move like that would blow up in her face.

A 1969 ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit held that a full grand jury must consider an indictment for it to be considered valid.

but that’s what happens when your only qualification to be a US Attorney is‘Dear Leader says I’m the prettiest.’

Rep. Ted Lieu, could you come in here for a minute and explain to the nice people what would happen in any timeline that wasn’t the shittiest?

“In a normal Department of Justice not run by hacks and sycophants and malicious clowns, Lindsey Halligan would resign, and the indictment against James Comey would be dismissed. Halligan should be disbarred. She altered a court document without showing the grand jury.”

no fucking duh.

Halligan is the latest in a long line of loyalists and toadies to hitch their wagon to Dear Leader, only to end up in disgrace. Donny isn’t going to in office forever — and once his presidency is over, all the lackies who threw ethics out the window and bent the law for him are going to be toxic.

Lindsey Halligan just poured gasoline all over her future and set a match to it — because who’s going to hire someone like Halligan, who just proved herself to be malignantly incompetent buffoon?

Rudy Giuliani, am I right? Rudy? hello?

oh shit, Rudy’s passed out under a pile of empty vodka bottles again.

so, Donny finally signed the Dead Pedo Bestie Act of 2025, which directs the Department of What Used To Be Justice to release the Epstein Files.

you’ll never guess what happened next: Pam Bondi immediately started moving the goalposts. it turns out that the DOJ can’t release all of the files even though they really really want to, because — well, just because.

reporter: “the DOJ statement earlier this year saying that the files would not be released mentioned the fact that the review of the documents did not suggest that any additional investigation of third parties was warranted.what changed since then that you launched this investigation?”

Bondi: “information that has come for— information. um. that’s information that— new information, additional information.”

oh my lord, Pam came this close to big-lebowskiing her non-answer. she can’t release the files because new shit has come to light.

oh, great. Pam’s going to be withholding some of the Epstein files because all of a sudden those documents are going to be needed as evidence for some new investigation. how convenient.

for those keeping score at home, first the files were on Pam Bondi’s desk, then they didn’t exist at all, then they were a hoax written by Joe Biden’s autopen, and now, parts of the files can’t be released — because new shit has come to light, man.

let me guess which files can’t be released: the ones with the most-incriminating dirt on Dear Leader. am I right? what do I win?

don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining. release the full, unedited files, you fucking fucks.

Senators Elissa Slotkin and Mark Kelley, along with Reps Chris Deluzio, Maggie Goodlander, Chrissy Houlahan and Jason Crow have produced a 90-second video in which they remind members of the armed forces and the intelligence community that they have a sworn constitutional duty to refuse to follow illegal orders.

let’s just pause to consider how surreal this moment we’re living in is, where elected officials need to remind soldiers that when the president orders them to open fire on civilians in a US city, that shit’s a Bozo no-no.

this nightmare-fuel scenario was unthinkable, prior to Donny — but shitty timelines gonna shitty timeline, that’s just the way it is.

naturally, when Nosferatu McGoebbels caught wind of this video, he threw a tantrum.

“it is insurrection, plainly, directly without question… these lawmakers should honestly resign in disgrace, and never return to public office again, for even daring to think, let alone to say these words and to say them proudly.”

oh joy, Nosferatu got to use his favorite word again — insurrection.

fact check: fuck off. reminding the military of their sworn oath to uphold the Constitution isn’t insurrection — not in any sense of the word.

Stephen Miller throws the word insurrection around as easily as he swallows live bats. everything he doesn’t like is an insurrection.

a crowd peacefully protesting masked ICE thugs? that’s insurrection.

some judge rules against one of Donny’s kingly proclamations? insurrection!

Nosferatu gets up in the middle of the night to pee, and stubs his toe in the dark? worst insurrection ever!

it’s all so patently transparent. Miller is hot to convince Dear Leader that there’s an insurrection going on that must be put down right now, so that Donny will finally invoke the Insurrection Act, and bring on the chaos and violence that Miller is pining for.

we’ve seen this movie before.

but Donny’s not paying attention to Nosferatu right now. he’s off in the Magic Kingdom of Donnyland, listening to the soothing voices of imaginary pollsters.

“my pollsters said, ‘sir, if George Washington and Abraham Lincoln came back from the dead and they aligned and they went for the president, vice president as a combination, you’d be beating them by 25 points.’”

and then these big-strong, teary-eyed pollsters held the spoonful of pudding up to Donny’s mouth and said ‘zoom! zoom! open the hangar door, Mr. President, here comes the airplane.’

now check this out.

“Communist Mayor of New York City, Zohran ‘Kwame’ Mamdani, has asked for a meeting. We have agreed that this meeting will take place at the Oval Office on Friday, November 21st. Further details to follow!”

frankly, I can’t wait.

young, energetic and charismatic Mamdani will be going head to head with the deteriorating demento who can barely stay awake in public — and the cameras will be rolling.

stay tuned. will be wild.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Weekend Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: first they came for the boomers

uh oh. Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a solution to the housing crisis — and it’s a solution I find personally distressing.

“baby boomers will eventually pass away, and when they do, they will all do it at the same time, and then millions and millions of homes will become available like that.”

wait, we’re going to do what now? everyone born between 1946 and 1964is going to die at the same time?

fuck me, why am I just hearing about this now? apparently I’ve been left off that text chain. when is this great die-off supposed to happen? I’m hoping it’s not for at least four weeks. I’d like to finish watching Down Cemetery Road.

I don’t know why Jesse’s so smugly pleased about this. doesn’t he realize that once all the boomers drop dead, Fox’s ratings will drop to zero? who do you think is watching your tiresome show, Jesse?

careful what you wish for, shitkazoo.

tuesday: first they came for the books

this week, folks attempting to visit the public library in Smyrna, Tennessee were greeted by this distressing sign.

so, what was the emergency that required the whole building to be shuttered on such short notice? did the bathroom pipes burst? did the entire staff come down with food poisoning?

nope.

what happened is that some busybody found a book with a transgender character in it, and Tennessee’s Secretary of State freaked the fuck out and ordered libraries across the state to close immediately, so that librarians could “cull their children’s sections for gender-subversive content.”

I shit you not. here’s the entire sign that greeted the thwarted library-goers.

people, what the fuck are we even doing here?

wednesday: first they came for the Muslims

let’s watch as John Voight completes his transition from once-respected actor to batshit racist fuckhead.

“this city will turn into a forbidden place of darkness. the blood, sweat and tears that New York was built on will turn into a virtual refugee shelter for the radical Muslim ideology. this is now the most dangerous time for our citizens of New York. this mayor will destroy this city. we are obligated to demand our rights for our private sanctuary, our businesses, our property, that we all have worked so hard for. and this 35-year-old mayor as no right dictating the rules of socialism for a city built on our highest principles with brick and stone by hardworking Americans. this must be stopped and his mayoralty should be terminated immediately. and we the people have put our trust in the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. he — and only he — can stop this horror, as the Mayor Mamdani will try to destroy New York’s wealth and turn it into a socialist crap city.”

sorry, John — your all-powerful tribal warlord fell asleep in the middle of your overcooked rant.

tighten that shit up, bro. you can’t expect President Pudding Cup to stay awake for the entire minute and a half you flapped your gums.

look, dumb-asses, Zohran Mamdani is going to be your mayor. dry your eyes and cope — and stop calling on Donny to ‘do something’ to ‘stop this horror.’ Dear Leader can’t do shit. what are you expecting? that he’ll issue an executive order? fart out some nonsensical tweet where he thanks us for our attention to this matter?

let’s get real: Mamdani doesn’t have the power to do any of the shit MAGA is wetting their pants in fear of. he’s bound by the same laws and Constitution the rest of us are (excepting, of course, our Very-Special-Boy-in-Chief).

lighten the fuck up. I’m pretty sure free buses isn’t part of some plan to usher in Sharia Law. this isn’t some slippery-slope kind of thing, where one day there’s a government-run grocery store in Flatbush and the next, you’re forced to gay-marry Rick Santorum’s dog.

now, here’s a pro tip for you hypocritical fuckwads: if you’re all bent out of shape that the guy in charge of New York is a Muslim, but not that the guy in charge of Medicare and Medicaid is a Muslim, you’re racisting wrong.

thursday: first they came for whatever the fuck this is

Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.

Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.

Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”

Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”

spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.

I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’

this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

on Friday, some fucking idiot had no public appearances. no way did the fucking idiot want to face the press, and be peppered with uncomfortable questions about his dead pedo bestie.

but that doesn’t mean the fucking idiot didn’t have a busy day.

he announced Operation Change the Subject from Epstein.

he also announced Operation Look Over There, SQUIRREL! — because, you see, he doesn’t have a dead pedo bestie problem, it’s the Democrats that have a dead pedo bestie problem.

the fucking idiot blared the soundtrack from ‘Phantom of the Opera’ from inside the Oval Bordello at a volume that could be heard across the street. perfectly normal stuff.

was the fucking idiot trying to drown out the barking noises in his head?

don’t you hate it when you have a noisy neighbor and it’s the president of the United States?

the fucking idiot also kept himself busy on his crappy app. what even is this?

he quite batshittingly broke up with Madge Three Toes, because she wouldn’t stop pestering him about the Dead Pedo Bestie Files.


and we know it’s an official breakup, because he thanked us for our attention to this matter.

the fucking idiot announced that he would love to talk about his dead pedo bestie, but he can’t, because he “has a country to run!”

spoiler alert: here’s the fucking idiot, hard at work running ruining the country.

then it was time for the fucking idiot to fly down to Motel-a-Lago so he could spend the weekend cheating at golf.

while the fucking idiot was on Bordello Force One, he couldn’t avoid answering questions from the press.

“I had an MRI and the result was outstanding.”
reporter: “was it your brain?”
“I have no idea what they analyzed, but whatever they analyzed, they analyzed it well.”

they ‘analyzed it well,’ these big, strong doctors with tears in their eyes. I’ll bet they did.

now, just imagine that Joe Biden had gone for medical tests and, when asked what they were for, answered ‘fuck if I know.’

you know exactly what would have happened next: Jack Tapper would have orgasmed on the spot, and written fifteen books about it in one afternoon.

yet not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

ow fucking idiotic is that?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tuesday Tiedrich

some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that I don’t even know where to start. so I’m just going to spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

“China was gonna hit us with rare earth. now, everybody says that ‘what does that mean?’ magnets. if China refused to give magnets, ’cause they have a monopoly of magnets, ’cause they have allowed to— you know, happened over a thirty-two year period. uh, there wouldn’t be a car made in the entire world. there wouldn’t be a radio, there wouldn’t be a television, there wouldn’t be internet, there wouldn’t be anything, because magnets are such a part— now, nobody knows what magnets are. and not overly sophisticated, but to build a magnet system would take two years.”

you know, I’ve been writing about Preznit Fuckwit for years now, and I’ve become pretty fluent in moronspeak — but even I can’t make heads or tails of this burst trashbag of word-adjacent noises.

if you explained China’s rare earth magnet policy to any random first grader, and asked them to repeat it back to you, you would no doubt get something more comprehensible that Donny’s incoherent babbling.

but check out this nugget buried in Donny soliloquy.

‘nobody knows what magnets are.’

if anyone reading this post doesn’t know what magnets are, could you please check yourself into the nearest Soylent Green facility, because you’re wasting perfectly good oxygen.

you know who doesn’t know what magnets are? Donny. he’s every-accusation-is-a-confessioning again. Donny’s mystified by magnets. all he knows is they stop working if they get wet.

Preznit Fuckwit is an imbecile who doesn’t know shit about shit.

Donny’s befuddled by the power switch on a computer. wrap your head around that. back in March, Laura Ingraham asked him what field his college-bound son Barron might go into. Donny’s answer went straight into the Dumbfuck Hall of Fame.

“maybe technology. he can look at a computer. I’m trying, turning off his computer, I turn it off, I turn it off, his laptop, I said ‘oh good now,’ and I go back five minutes later, he’s got his laptop. I say, ‘how did you did that?’ ‘none of your business, dad.’ he’s got an unbelievable aptitude in technology.”

*blinks in astonishment*

holy shit, President What’s The Deal With Magnets got outwitted by an on-off switch.

this is the the Superior Intellect who, as his fifth casino went bankrupt, said ‘hey, let’s open a sixth.’ he’s that stupefyingly dumb. and he’s currently negotiating rare earth magnet policy with China. he’s going to get eaten alive.

77 million people voted for this. take a bow, America. you’ve outdone yourself.

well, that was fun. let’s give the Big Wheel of Moron another spin.

here’s Holy Mike Johnson, once again weaseling out of answering the age-old question, ‘if you’re going to shitcan Obamacare, what will going to replace it with?’

we’ve got notebooks full of ideas.”

oh please, fuck straight off with this nonsense. for fifteen years, an endless procession of Republicans have told us that their plan to replace Obamacare is just around the corner. any day now. two weeks, tops.

there is no Republican plan to replace Obamacare, other than ‘please just go away and die.’

last week Holy Mike assured us a plan was almost ready, but he couldn’t talk about it because he didn’t want the details to leak. what on earth? this week, he’s got notebooks full of ideas. next week, it’s going to be some new story. maybe his dog will have eaten his healthcare plan.

shut the fuck up, Mike. we’re not as gullible as your cultists.

it turns out we don’t need Holy Mike’s imaginary notebook full of nonexistent ideas, because Donny’s finally released that healthcare plan he’s been working on since forever. check it out:

wait, how did that get in here? I’m sorry, here’s Donny to explain his actual plan.

“what I want is instead of going to the insurance companies, I want the money to go into an account for people where the people buy their own health insurance. it’s so good. the insurance will be better. it’ll cost less. everybody is gonna be happy. they’re gonna feel like entrepreneurs. they’re actually able to go out and negotiate their own health insurance. and they can use it only for that reason, to be only for that purpose. and if we did that, that would be so exciting. call it Trumpcare.”

are you fucking kidding me? what Donny is proposing here is to construct a new layer of government bureaucracy — one that’s going to create millions of individual bank accounts that can only be used to pay for health insurance, and somehow, money will magically show up in these accounts, and all of us get to be our very own entrepreneurs.

yay us!

and who’s going to administer this? Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz? really? the two low-wattage imbeciles who couldn’t healthcare their way out of a wet paper bag?

instead of calling Trumpcare, how about we call it The Most Fuckbrained Thing I Ever Heard Of.

Donny gets away with this shit because no reporter will ask the simple question, ‘how would that work?’ they just sit there and nod their heads, as if the gibberish that just seeped out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth made all the sense in the world.

can we get that confused first grader back in here to cook up a healthcare plan? because I’m pretty sure she could do a better job than Donny.

when President Gas Leak farts out some cockamamie scheme to create an unworkable bureaucracy administered by morons, and backs it up with ‘it’s so good. the insurance will be better. it’ll cost less. everybody is gonna be happy’ — without offering on iota of explanation how on earth it would happen — there’s really only one appropriate response. say it with me, because you know what it is. that’s right: what the fuck is wrong with you?

look, I don’t need an additional job, that of Insurance Policy Negotiator. I’m actually pretty shit at negotiating. I don’t like admitting that, but it’s true. but now I have to be William Fucking Shatner, just to obtain healthcare coverage?

I guarantee our soft, pampered president hasn’t spent one second of his life on the phone with an insurance company. he has no idea what a fucking nightmare it is.

you know who’s going to leap at the chance to go head-to-head with an insurance company? MAGA morons, that’s who — because just like Dear Leader, they’re all convinced of their own genius. imagine the dipshit down the street — the one with all the Trump flags on his broken-down pickup truck — on the phone with some corporate sharpie. he’s going to get fleeced, and end up with a plan that’s ten times worse than the one he got through Obamacare — and he’s going to brag about how he pulled one over on United Healthcare.

look, there is a simple insurance solution out there. let me explain.

I’ve got Medicare. it’s provided to me by the government. it’s reliable. I never have to talk to an insurance company. it just fucking works. I never have to worry about being bankrupted by a visit to the hospital. we should expand on that, and make it available to everyone, not just old farts like me. we could even give it a fancy name. how about Medicare for All?

wouldn’t that make the most sense?

I’m a fucking genius, right?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

ugh. just ugh.

late last night, seven Senate Democrats (and one Independent) shit the bed royally, and then rolled around in the mess. they voted with Republicans to advance a bill to reopen the government.

here’s what they got in return for their acquiescence: jack shit. nothing. bupkis.

we’re going to get to that story, I promise. but first, we have a whole day’s worth of donnyfuckery to wade through.

let’s start with the biggest atrocity.

this is just pure evil. look at the lengths our convicted felon president will go to just to ensure that the needy can’t afford to buy food.

A memo from the Agriculture Department’s Food and Nutrition Service issued late Saturday night orders states to “immediately undo any steps taken to issue” full payments to recipients of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, often called food stamps.

it’s cruelty for cruelty’s sake. there’s no other reason to be this petty.when a Rhode Island judge ruled on Thursday that SNAP benefits had to be paid in full, some states went ahead and did just that.

Some states, like Wisconsin and Maryland, had begun disbursing benefits Friday, following the Rhode Island ruling, leaving them scrambling to respond over the weekend.

In Wisconsin — where nearly 700,000 residents received their SNAP payments Friday — Gov. Tony Evers (D) said his state had “legally loaded benefits to cards.”

that was before the Supreme Court put a temporary hold on the Rhode Island ruling — and now Donny is all ‘give that money back.’ why? because fuck you, that’s why. because cruelty is the point.

The USDA memo warns states that if they do not comply with the order, they will face consequences.

oh boy, if there’s one thing America’s Mad King loves, it’s doling out consequences. may I make a suggestion? how about drawing and quartering? there’s no more perfect punishment for wanting to feed hungry people.

now let’s move from cruel and inhuman to dumb as fuck.

I probably need to apologize for posting this next thing, because you might actually get stupider from reading it.

“I am recommending to Senate Republicans that the Hundreds of Billions of Dollars currently being sent to money sucking Insurance Companies in order to save the bad Healthcare provided by ObamaCare, BE SENT DIRECTLY TO THE PEOPLE SO THAT THEY CAN PURCHASE THEIR OWN, MUCH BETTER, HEALTHCARE, and have money left over. In other words, take from the BIG, BAD Insurance Companies, give it to the people, and terminate, per Dollar spent, the worst Healthcare anywhere in the World, ObamaCare. Unrelated, we must still terminate the Filibuster!”

oh. my. god. he is so monumentally, bone-crushingly stupid.

apparently, Preznit Fuckwit imagines that there’s an insurance company named Obamacare Inc., and the government is funding it, and this Obamacare Inc is somehow proving bad healthcare.

nothing could be further from the truth.

The ACA — what you call Obamacare — is NOT an insurance policy.It is a law that requires insurance companies to allow people with preexisting conditions to have coverage; it currently requires the government to make sure that no person or family is paying more than 9% of their household income. It also requires insurance companies to provide preventative care at no cost as well as other amenities.

the level of stupid required for an elected official to misunderstand the difference between a law and an insurance provider doesn’t just burn, it immolates.

ok, one more slice of dumbfuck pie and then it’s on to yelling at the Democrats.

“People that are against Tariffs are FOOLS! We are now the Richest, Most Respected Country In the World, With Almost No Inflation, and A Record Stock Market Price. 401k’s are Highest EVER. We are taking in Trillions of Dollars and will soon begin paying down our ENORMOUS DEBT, $37 Trillion. Record Investment in the USA, plants and factories going up all over the place. A dividend of at least $2000 a person (not including high income people!) will be paid to everyone”

yeah, no. this is a big ball of never gonna happen. Donny’s just farting out whatever random numbers pop into his big dumb pumpkin head, based on zero analysis.

we know this, because we’ve been down this road before. remember those $5,000 DOGE stimulus checks that showed up in all of our mailboxes last April? me neither.

last April, Donny hallucinated some fever-swampy fairy tale about how the Space Nazi’s merry band of pimply DOGE incels had saved the government $55 billion — no, wait, $150 billion — by cutting imaginary fraud and waste. out of those savings, Donny was going to send us all five large, because he’s such an awesome fucking humanitarian and all.

of course, it never happened — because DOGE didn’t ‘save’ a penny, and because Donny is a liar who shits things out of both sides of his mouth, without the slightest intention of following through, just so he can enjoy a day’s worth of adulation from the cultists and fawning headlines from the lapdog press.

by Wednesday, Drooling Donny won’t even remember he ever made any promise of $2,000 ‘tariff’ checks.

now let’s get down to the main event.

last night, seven Senate Democrats (and one Independent) decided that what the situation absolutely required right now was a really futile and stupid gesture.

what these seven Democrats agreed to was a resolution to reopen the government.

did these Dems hold the Republicans’ feet to the fire, and get those Obamacare credits restored, as had been their demand for the previous 39 days?

no. what they got was a pinky-swear promise that this time, Republicans were really going to hold that football in place, and the Democrats were going to kick it a fucking mile.

what these turncoat Dems agreed to was a resolution that after the government reopens, Democrats will be given the opportunity to write their own legislation to restore the Obamacare credits. the vote on such a bill would come, and I quote, “sometime in December.”

oh frabjous day!

Uncle Bernie, can you please explain to your colleagues exactly how they’re being taken for a ride?

“now I know as part of this resolution, that the Majority Leader is gonna say ‘well, Democrats can create, put together their own bill, and it will come to the floor in the Senate for a vote.’ as everybody here knows, it’s a totally meaningless gesture. you can get a hundred votes here in the Senate. it won’t mean anything, because the House is not going to take it up, and the President of the United States certainly will not sign it.”

duh. fucking duh. how do you seven Senate Democrats not see this coming?

you got rolled. played for fools. taken to the cleaners. choose your favorite metaphor, they all fucking apply.

you gave up all your leverage when you agreed to reopen the government without first restoring those Obamacare credits.

you’re dealing with Republicans. you know them, you work with them. they’re shitweasels. they can’t be trusted. they’re going to say you’ll get a vote in December, and when the time comes, nada. zero. zilch.

we know this, because Republicans pulled this shit last March, the previous time the government faced a shutdown.

“now I know as part of this resolution, that the Majority Leader is gonna say ‘well, Democrats can create, put together their own bill, and it will come to the floor in the Senate for a vote.’ as everybody here knows, it’s a totally meaningless gesture. you can get a hundred votes here in the Senate. it won’t mean anything, because the House is not going to take it up, and the President of the United States certainly will not sign it.”

duh. fucking duh. how do you seven Senate Democrats not see this coming?

you got rolled. played for fools. taken to the cleaners. choose your favorite metaphor, they all fucking apply.

you gave up all your leverage when you agreed to reopen the government without first restoring those Obamacare credits.

you’re dealing with Republicans. you know them, you work with them. they’re shitweasels. they can’t be trusted. they’re going to say you’ll get a vote in December, and when the time comes, nada. zero. zilch.

we know this, because Republicans pulled this shit last March, the previous time the government faced a shutdown

remember that? you were supposed to have learned your lesson, and not let that shit happen again. what the fuck?

Democrats had all the momentum, and these quislings threw it away. six days after an election where Donny and the Republican got their asses handed to them, these seven Democrats were all ‘hey that was a fun week. now let’s shoot ourselves in both feet.’

why?

the only thing you accomplished was to prove to Republicans that holding benefits payments hostage is an effective strategy. now watch them do it again.

now, I know what you going to ask: ‘Uncle Jeff, was that fuckface Fetterman one of those seven Democrats?’

of course he was. you know the old saying, ‘when God closes a Joe Manchin, he opens a John Fetterman.’

here’s the complete list of turncoat cowards: Catherine Cortez Masto (NV), Dick Durbin (IL), John Fetterman (PA), Maggie Hassan (NH), Tim Kaine (VA), Jacky Rosen (NV) and Jeanne Shaheen (NH).

the Independent was Angus King (ME).

none of these fucksticks are up for reelection in 2026 — and some of them are even retiring. how convenient.

ugh. just ugh.

we definitely need a palate cleanser after all that. here, enjoy Donny getting mercilessly booed at yesterday’s Washington Commanders game.

look at what you did, you nasty Commanders fans. you made Fox News cry.

what backlash? is booing a fascist fuckface against the law now? is it drawing and quartering time again?

let’s contrast that with what happens when a real president shows up at a sporting event.

that’s more like it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Friday Tiedrich

If the Democrats don’t use this top photo in midterm ads far and wide there’s no hope for them…

‘look for the helpers.’

those are the sage words of Mister Rogers. it’s what his mother always told him, he said, when as a child he would see scary things in the news. ‘look for the helpers. you will always find people who are helping.’

it’s true. when scary stuff goes down, there are always helpers.

but do you know what else you’ll find, when shit goes sideways? some demented fuckbag who stands around and does nothing, because he absolutely could not care one iota about helping.

which brings us to the photo at the top of this post.

yesterday, Donny made a great show of announcing that he’d reached a concept of a sketch for a framework for lowering the price of weight-loss drugs.

the whole thing could have been a press release, or an email, but it wasn’t — because for the bottomless well of need in the White House, everything has to be a spectacle. this announcement had to be a made-for-TV production, where big, strong, teary-eyed pharmaceutical executives take turns praising Dear Leader for being the greatest sketcher of frameworks of all time. ‘sir! sir! you framework those concepts like no one thought possible! how do you do it? sir!’

look, lowering the price of weight-loss drugs is all well and good, but our nation has more pressing needs right now. for instance, how about Preznit Fuckwit pays out those SNAP benefits, as he’s been court-ordered to — because 43 million Americans are already losing weight through a thing called the I Can’t Afford To Buy Food Diet.

anyway, Donny dragged a bunch of Big Pharma honchos — along with the Healthcare Morons, Bobby Brainworms and the Shitblizzard of Oz — into the Oval Bordello to participate in his dog and pony show.

when the Shitblizzard of Oz stepped up to the mic to drown us in a blizzard of bullshit, Donny did what he always does when someone else is talking: he fell fast asleep.

did our favorite narcoleptic fart factory fill the room, as is his trademark move, with the pungent aroma of ass music? we’ll never know — but the thing that happened next is that some dude behind Donny passed out and fell to the floor.

did you notice what Bobby Brainworms did? he booked it out of the room, pronto. maybe to alert the White House medical staff, or maybe to get his chainsaw — because you never know when a head may need to be separated from a body.

but more importantly — as everyone else in the room rushed over to do whatever they could — here’s what our Helper-in-Chief did: jack shit.

oh sure, he spent a couple of seconds staring vaguely at what was going on, but then he stood up, faced forward with vacant eyes — the lights were on but no one was home — and froze.

it would have been the perfect moment for some reporter to have finally — at long last — won the What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ (which is now in its 2,047th day).

oh, I’m sorry, were you expecting Donny to do something? oh please, he’s not going to help. helping is what commies do.

there’s Donny’s entire existence, summed up in one photograph: he doesn’t care.

he doesn’t care about you or me. he doesn’t care about unemployed government workers. he doesn’t care about hungry families, or teargassed children, or Americans disappeared into slave-labor gulags, or Venezuelan fishermen blown out of the water, or priests shot in the face by ICE goons.

he doesn’t even care about a crony who fell to the ground not four feet away him.

Donny only cares about himself, and about glomming all the money, all the power, and all the attention. and, as always, We the People are cordially invited to go fuck ourselves.

and, because Donny’s demented pudding-brain has gone fuckity-bye, he’s too befuddled to realize that he needs to pretend to care. he just stands there like a useless bump, lost in an ever-thickening fog of confusion. is Donny even aware of what’s going on around him?

it was just another day of disgrace and buffoonery from our disgraceful buffoon president.

oh, and because we live in the dumbest possible timeline, where everything has to end up as a sideshow of clownfuckery, Newsmax had to assure their low-wattage viewers that Dear Leader was never in any danger. from what? collateral faintage?

“President Trump, we want to be clear, is okay.”

thanks for clearing that up. we were sleepless with worry.

fortunately, our story has a happy ending.

The person who fainted in the Oval Office was one of Eli Lilly’s guests and is now doing “great,” the company’s CEO said.

and, in case you need a reminder of how a real president acts, here’s Barack HUSSEIN Obama giving a speech — and catching a fainting woman before she can fall. (it’s at the 37-second mark.)

“I gotcha. don’t worry.”

dude’s so cool, calm and collected that he even has a quip at the ready:

“this happens when I talk too long.”

this is why Donny hates Obama — because he’s everything Donny isn’t. Donny will never be cool, calm and collected, and he knows it.

boo fucking hoo.

here are your heroes of the day: the members of the jury who acquitted Sandwich Guy.

Holstein cow cosplayer and America’s Tipsiest US Attorney, Jeanine Boxwine, was super fucking horny to make an example out of the guy who lobbed a sandwich at a border patrol agent in DC.

after a grand jury refused to indict Sandwich Guy for felony assault — because let’s get real, Jeanine, it was a fucking sandwich — she charged the guy with a misdemeanor, and wasted taxpayer money on a pointless trial.

here’s my favorite part of the whole three-day time-suck.

The officer Sandwich Guy is charged with assaulting testifies that he could feel the impact of the sandwich through his ballistic vest, and it “exploded all over my uniform.” He says he could “smell the onions and the mustard.”

what a harrowing experience indeed, to feel the impact and smell the onionsand the mustard. oh, the humanity!

but wait, the video tells a very different story: one about a definitely unexploded sandwich that bounced off the officer and lay intact on the ground.

We’re back to the sandwich video. The paper, the defense points out, is still on. “You don’t see there’s mustard on it?” “You can’t tell there’s ketchup on it?” Mayonnaise? Lettuce? Tomato? “In fact, that sandwich hasn’t exploded at all?” Witness says the sandwich “looks bent and out of shape.”

so, what was it? an exploded sandwich or an unexploded one? wait, what if it were both? oh my god, people, we have Schroedinger’s Sandwich.

in the end, the jury served up a big slice of Fuck You Pie to Jeanine Boxwine, and acquitted Sandwich Guy of the single charge of Assault with a Deadly Sandwich.

because let’s get real, everyone — it was a fucking sandwich. wake up and smell the mustard and the onions.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

FUCK YEAH!

holy shit! Democrats ran the fucking table!

they won the races they were supposed to win, they won the races that were supposed to be a tossup — and they even won the shit they weren’t supposed to win.

let’s take a look at some of the highlights.

the big three, of course, were Abigail Spanberger for Governor of Virginia, Zorhan Mamdani for Mayor of New York City, and Mikie Sherrill for Governor of New Jersey.

Spanberger totally fucking crushed her Republican opponent, Winsome Earle-Sears, winning by 15 points. Sherrill beat Jack Ciattarelli by 13 points, in a race that the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press swore to us was going to be a nail-biter, too close to call. awesome prognosticating, scribblers.

and over in the Marxist-socialist-communist hellscape that is now New York City, Mamdani beat toxic sexpest Andrew Cuomo by 9 points.

really weird how Donny Convict’s last-minute endorsement of Cuomo failed to move the needle. maybe it has something to do with the fact that NYC has fucking loathed Donny for at least fifty years now.

this dude speaks for all of us.

“I’m happy that Mamdani won. But I won’t let that get in the way of my celebrating Cuomo losing.”

can Chuck Schumer pretty-please go fuck himself, or at least write himself a strongly-worded letter?

“Q: It’s election day in NYC. Did you vote for Mamdani or Cuomo?
Schumer: ‘Look, I voted, and I look forward to working with the next mayor to help NYC.’”

you’re a real profile in cowardice, Chuck.

hey, can someone do a wellness check on Dersh?

and can we please, at long last, finally see the last of Andrew Cuomo? why did this repellent predator want to be mayor of NYC, anyway? was he that triggered by the presence of a Muslim in New York politics?

how is it that someone who had to resign their governorship in disgrace is then allowed to run for any other office?

seriously, good fucking riddance.

the passing of Prop 50 in California was a huge fucking win, allowing the Dem-controlled Legislature to draw new congressional maps for the next three election cycles.

am I right, Gavin Newsom?

his one’s also huge:

preserving the Democratic majority of Pennsylvania’s Supreme Court is going to go a long way towards preventing any Republican electoral fuckery in PA in 2026 and 2028.

in Illinois, Democrat Mary Sheffield became the first woman to be elected mayor of Detroit in the city’s 324-year history.

and Ghazala Hashmi became the first Muslim woman elected to statewide office in the US, after winning the race for Virginia Lieutenant Governor.

one huge story from yesterday is that Democrats picked up votes everyfuckingwhere.

look at the Virginia governor’s race. every county in VA — even the ones Spanberger didn’t win — shifted blue.

holy fuck, look at what Dems pulled off down in deep-red Georgia.

know when the last time one Democrat won a statewide election in Georgia, let alone two? twenty-five years ago.

here’s a delicious morsel of news. in Cincinnati, Couchfuck McGee’s half-brother Cory Bowman, who was running for mayor, got the shit landslided out of him.

do we also need to do a wellness check on the wingnut media? they seem to be going through some things right now.

are you feeling safe, New York Post? do you need to talk to a grownup, or a policeman?

pour one out for Fox News’ own Plankhead of the Airwaves, Sean Hannity.

boo fucking hoo, Sean.

the ‘fuck your feelings’ crowd sure seems to be having a lot of feelings right now.

stay classy, Laura.

MAGA is melting all the way down. you have to love a good Republican civil war, don’t you? right now it’s the total crazies vs the semi-crazies, and I am here for all of it.

don’t threaten us with a good time, Mark Cernovich.

let’s give Erick, the Son of Erick, credit for at least recognizing that Donny can’t ever run for president again — something that all the Chinese-made “Trump 2028” hats in the world can’t change.

the lesson in all this for Donny and his Republican enablers is that none of their fuckery is popular.

We the People don’t want masked and armed Gestapo thugs terrorizing our neighborhoods and teargassing our children. We the People don’t want incoherent economic policies that send prices ever upwards. We the People don’t want a broken government that works only for billionaires.

We the People don’t want an unhinged and deteriorating 34-count narcoleptic fart factory ruling over us. yesterday’s election results made that clear.

President Pudding Cup wasn’t on the ballot, but yesterday’s election was a referendum on his presidency — and the results were not pretty for him.

will Republicans learn anything from the drubbing they took yesterday? of course fucking not. expect them to double down on the lunacy — and the oppression. it’s all they know how to do.

we’ve got battles ahead of us that will need to be taken on, and won.

but for today, let’s congratulate ourselves. tomorrow we return to the fight.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

here’s a fun thought experiment. what you do you imagine would happen if you took a deteriorating dotard in poor health and cognitive decline, flew him to the other side of the world and subjected him to a series of high-stakes meetings and ceremonies?

actually, you don’t have to imagine. just watch this befuddled old dipshit wander dazedly during a ceremony in Tokyo.

that’s just embarrassing. the squirrel inside Donny’s head gets repeatedly distracted by some shiny object, and Japan’s Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi has to keep taking him by the hand and guiding him to where he’s supposed to go.

does Donny seem drugged to you? is he on something? this is our diminished president, folks.

naturally, after this video went viral, the White House shit roofing nails and accused the person who posted it of deceptive editing.

“Why didn’t you share the full video, dumbass?” the official White House Rapid Response 47 account replied to X user Acyn, along with a longer version of the event.

Yet their video showed Takaichi doing more guiding of Trump.

hang on, White House Rapid Response, we can do better than ‘sharing the full video.’ we can show you a longer clip from a different angle, and holy fuckballs, Batman — it’s worse.

(sorry for the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music, folks. this was the only clip I could find online.)

Christ on a corn cob, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants hasn’t the slightest clue what planet he’s on. seriously, subjecting this goofus to days of events halfway around the world is just elder abuse at this point.

Preznit Fuckwit should be enjoying a pudding cup in some assisted living facility, not representing our country on the world stage.

do you know why the White House immediately cried ‘deceptive video’? because, as always with these shitweasels, every accusation is a confession.

in June of 2024, Joe Biden attended a G7 meeting in Italy. the Republican National Committee’s official twitter account posted this clip of the G7 leaders taking in a skydiving exhibition.

 

 

reporter: “did you get an MRI?”
Donny: “I did, I got an MRI. it was perfect. I mean, I gave you— I gave you the full results. we had an MR— an MRI, and uh, the machine, the whole thing. and it was perfect.”

oh, it was perfect, was it? were the doctors big and strong? did they have tears in their eyes as they went ‘sir! sir! no one has ever had such a perfect brain. how do you do it? sir!’

here’s why this should have been front-page news: MRIs are never ever part of a routine checkup. you’re only given one if doctors think something is seriously wrong with you.

but don’t just take my word for it. let’s hear from an actual doctor — Dr. Jonathan Reiner, who was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist and is currently a professor at George Washington University.

Dr. Jon, is an MRI ever part of a routine checkup?

Reiner told CNN that an MRI is never part of a routine check-up.

“An MRI is never part of a routine evaluation, whether you’re president of the United States or whether you’re just a civilian,” he said.

oh. huh. tell us more, doc.

Dr. Jonathan Reiner told CNN there is a laundry list of reasons Trump’s doctors may have requested a scan, and that he believes the White House owes it to the public to say what that reason was.

“Typically, they’re prompted by symptoms,” Reiner said of MRIs. “They can be neurologic symptoms that prompt an MRI.”

now let’s listen to the other alarming thing that Preznit Neurologic Symptoms blithered about on that plane.

what we see in this clip is pretty fucking alarming — because holy shit, it appears to show Sleepy Brandon wandering off and giving a thumbs-up to nobody — and needing to be fetched back to reality by Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni.

if your ‘I’ll bet that was deceptively edited’ alarm just went off, congratulations — because what the uncropped video showed was Joe Biden turning to talk to the parachutists.

nonetheless, the press had a field day with the RNC’s edited video.

and we all got treated to one more news cycle of Joe Biden is old and icky and smells bad and is probably already dead and is too demented to know it.

fuck these lying Republican fucks, and fuck the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media for falling for this shit over and over.

Republicans had to fake ‘evidence’ of Joe’s ‘impairment’ — but nobody has to fake anything about Donny Convict’s obvious decline. all you have to do is open your eyes and look.

hey Jake Tapper, any comment on the fact that Donny couldn’t walk from one end of a room to the other without getting lost?

I thought so.

meanwhile, during a yammer session with reporters aboard Fuckface Force One, President Yap Yap made a confession that should have been the top story on every channel, but of course wasn’t: that he’d undergone an MRI during his so-called ‘routine medical checkup’ at Walter Reed a couple of weeks ago.

reporter: “did you get an MRI?”
Donny: “I did, I got an MRI. it was perfect. I mean, I gave you— I gave you the full results. we had an MR— an MRI, and uh, the machine, the whole thing. and it was perfect.”

oh, it was perfect, was it? were the doctors big and strong? did they have tears in their eyes as they went ‘sir! sir! no one has ever had such a perfect brain. how do you do it? sir!’

here’s why this should have been front-page news: MRIs are never ever part of a routine checkup. you’re only given one if doctors think something is seriously wrong with you.

but don’t just take my word for it. let’s hear from an actual doctor — Dr. Jonathan Reiner, who was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist and is currently a professor at George Washington University.

Dr. Jon, is an MRI ever part of a routine checkup?

Reiner told CNN that an MRI is never part of a routine check-up.

“An MRI is never part of a routine evaluation, whether you’re president of the United States or whether you’re just a civilian,” he said.

oh. huh. tell us more, doc.

Dr. Jonathan Reiner told CNN there is a laundry list of reasons Trump’s doctors may have requested a scan, and that he believes the White House owes it to the public to say what that reason was.

“Typically, they’re prompted by symptoms,” Reiner said of MRIs. “They can be neurologic symptoms that prompt an MRI.”

now let’s listen to the other alarming thing that Preznit Neurologic Symptoms blithered about on that plane.

“they have Jasmine Crockett, a low-IQ person. they have, uhhhh— AOC, she’s low-IQ. you give her a— an IQ test— have her pass, like, the exams that I decided to take when I was at Walter Reed. those are very hard, uh, they’re really aptitude tests, I guess, in a certain way, but they’re cognitive tests. let AOC go against Trump. let Jasmine go against Trump. I don’t think g— Jasmine— the first couple of questions are easy. a tiger, an elephant, a giraffe. when you get up to five or six and then when you get up to twenty and twenty-five— they couldn’t come close to answering any of those questions.”

for fuck’s sake, Donny. for the hundredth time, the Montreal Cognitive Assessment is not an IQ test, or an aptitude test. it’s a test of whether or not your brain is leaking out of your ears.

twenty percent of the test is literally pointing at a drawing of a camel.

do you know why they ask you to draw a clock? because if you’re demented, you can’t do it.

as with the MRI, they don’t administer the Montreal Cognitive Assessment as part of any routine check up. Donny keeps having to take this test because doctors suspect that something is seriously fucked inside his big dumb pumpkin head.

here’s why we should all be alarmed: we now know that when Donny went to Walter Reed, they gave him both an MRI and a cognitive test. you know who gets those two tests together? stroke victims, that’s who.

all the evidence points to Donny having had a recent stroke — and the White House is covering that up. add to that the cankles, and the rotting hand, and fact that Donny couldn’t walk from one end of a room to the other without help. the only logical conclusion one can reach is that Donny is unfit for office.

and, as always, the White House won’t tell us shit. everything — EVERY FUCKING THING — is being covered up.

how about that, Jake Tapper. anything to say?

by the way, I have a theory about why Donny keeps yammering about how Crockett or AOC couldn’t pass the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. remember: with Donny, every accusation is a confession.

President Pudding Cup failed the fucking thing, didn’t he. they asked him to remember five random words, and he couldn’t. his drawing of a clock looked like a monkey fucking a coconut. he failed, and he knows it, and that why he has to keep talking about how hard it is — to convince himself that nobody could have passed it.

and, as always, none of this is normal — and all of it is embarrassing.

oh, and have I mentioned lately that AOC is a national treasure?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

that’s all, folks. it’s over and done. the once-stately East Wing of the White House has been completely reduced to a pile of rubble.

here’s another thing that’s now a pile of rubble: our Constitution. masked ICE thugs trample over it every day on the streets of our cities.

want more rubble? just look at our tariff and trade policies, and our relationships with our allies. they can’t trust us to be honest — or even coherent — about anything.

does any sane person believe any of the fairy tales our government has been spewing about the fishing boats they’ve been blowing up, without providing one scrap of evidence? our credibility is also a pile of rubble.

hey, you know what else is a pile of rubble? Preznit Fuckwit’s poll numbers — because everything fucking sucks right now, and none of this shit is popular.

Harry Enten: “Donald Trump’s doing absolutely awful in the minds of the American people. what are we talking about? we’re talking about new lows for Donald Trump. he’s hit new lows for himself. Trump’s economic net approval rating hits lows with these pollsters. CNBC, look at this: down now minus 13 points in the net approval rating on the economy. you come to this side of the screen, it’s minus 19 points among Quinnipiac, and keep in mind, we’re talking about hitting record lows for Donald Trump in either his first term or his second term. the bottom line is that Donald Trump is at the lowest point ever in either of his terms…. Donald Trump is beating himself in the way you don’t want to beat yourself: record lows.”

Preznit Fuckwit is the least-popular president since Preznit Fuckwit.

Donny’s been praising himself to high heaven these days, bragging about how the price of everything has gone down by all the percents. thousands, maybe even millions. low prices like no one thought possible. sir! sir! how do you do it?

Donny can lie all he wants, but his pungent mouth-farts only float so far. people still have to go shopping. they know first hand that the price of everything has been skyrocketing lately.

oh, and this just in from The New York Times, as I’m writing this post.

and that doesn’t even factor in health insurance premiums, which are on their way to going through the roof.

we don’t yet have poll numbers on Donny’s desecration of East Wing, but you know that none of what’s going is likely to be popular.

even the White House knows this fuckery is radioactive. yesterday, they sicced their goons on reporters covering the destruction.

“Look away! New: US Secret Service has closed access to the Ellipse park where journalists had been capturing live images of the East Wing demolition. CNN had a photojournalist capturing live images of the demolition at the time. Reuters was also ushered out of the park.”

what a good look for this fascist administration, closing a public park and ejecting the press. they really don’t want We the People to find out what they’ve been doing to our House, do they?

too late, you fuckfaces. the photos are already out there.

gone. just fucking gone. all that beauty, all that history.

destroyed, just so that a broken-inside narcissist can build his tscky dance hall for billionaires.

what a fucking travesty.

our next Democratic president is going to have a lot of cleanup work to do — but one of the many things they must campaign on is a vow to put all this shit back the way it was before Cankles McRottinghand assaulted it. not just the Epstein Ballroom, but also the parking lot where our beloved Rose Garden used to be.

tell me, does Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ inability to remember who he’s pardoned lately make his ass seem demented?

Kaitlin Collins: “today you pardoned the founded of Binance. can you explain why you chose to pardon him, and did it have anything to do with his involvement in—”

Donny: “who is that?”

Collins: “the founder of Binance. he has an involvement in—”

Donne: “the recent one? yes, the— uh— I believe we’re talking about the same— because I do pardon a lot of people. uh, I don’t know. he was recommended by a lot of people. a lot of people say that— are you talking about the crypto person? uh, a lot of people say that he wasn’t guilty of anything, and he served four months in jail. they say that, uh, he was not guilty of anything. what he did— well, you don’t know much about crypto. you know nothing about— you know nothing about nothing, you fake news.”

Donny’s such a charmer, isn’t he?

come on, media, be fair. Donny’s been springing a shitload of convicted criminals from prison. how can you expect him to keep them all straight?

imagine that a reporter had asked Joe Biden about someone he’d pardoned, and his answer was ‘fuck if I know, I just sign whatever they put in front of me.’

Jake Tapper would have spontaneously orgasmed right then and there, and started writing ten new books. but have you heard a peep out of him now?

let’s refresh Dear Leader’s memory. here’s why you pardoned the founder of Binance, you thieving old kleptocrat.

The pardon of Zhao, widely known as CZ, came two months after The Wall Street Journal reported that the Trump family’s own crypto venture, which has generated about $4.5 billion since the 2024 election, has been helped by “a partnership with an under-the-radar trading platform quietly administered by Binance.”

oh, was that wrong?

because Donny has to plead ignorance on this thing. because if anyone had said anything at all to him when he first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon…

I’m so old, I remember when Tricky Dick’s veep, Spiro Agnew, resigned after he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Spiro’s crime was bribery and tax evasion, to the tune of twenty nine thousand dollars. seriously, that’s all? twenty-nine large? that’s chicken feed. Tom Homan won’t even pick up the phone for less than fifty.

but Spiro’s real crime was being born fifty years too soon. if he was around today, Donny would pardon him in a heartbeat — and then completely forget who Spiro was, and get pissy with the first reporter to ask him about it.

twenty-nine grand. what a laughably minuscule sum. Donny’s ripping us off for billions — and he’s pardoning all of his accomplices.

what is even going on in this next clip? is Donny claiming credit for popularizing the f-word?

“they’ve even now started imitating me, of all people. the want to imitate me, and they start using foul language. but they use too much of it. you can’t use the f-word seven times in one sentence. it doesn’t work. it might work once every seven news conferences, but you can’t do it— you can’t do it seven times in one sentence.”

fuck you, you fucking fuck. don’t you fucking tell me how fucking often I can fucking say fuck.

dude, am I right?

here’s your hero of the day: Polka Dot Lady.

a couple of days ago, masked ICE thugs showed up in lower Manhattan to round up Chinese street vendors who were guilty of the dastardly crime of selling cheap knock-offs — and our anonymous hero was having none of it. apparently out for a lunch-hour stroll, she saw what was going on, and she was all this fuckery ends now.

here she is, giving a New York welcome to an armored military vehicle.

look at her mix it up with law enforcement, while wearing business clothing. talk about being dressed for success.

Polka Dot Lady is fearless.

we have no idea who this brave woman is, and we have no idea if she was one of the five people arrested for assaulting officers.

Polka Dot Lady, whoever you are, wherever you are — we salute you.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Wednesday

as a team of backhoes reduces the White House’s East Wing to rubble, a second set of much tinier backhoes is at work inside Preznit Fuckwit’s head, reducing the east wing of his brain to rubble.

as a team of backhoes reduces the White House’s East Wing to rubble, a second set of much tinier backhoes is at work inside Preznit Fuckwit’s head, reducing the east wing of his brain to rubble.

“and I will say this, we have Darth Vader. you know Darth Vader, right? Darth Vader is a man who, uh, I think he’s sitting, right? is that Darth? stand up please, Darth Va— stand up. does everybody know— this is— they call him Darth Vader, I call him a fine man. but he’s cutting Democrat priorities and they’re never gonna get them back.”

Donny has no idea that Darth Vader is the bad guy, does he?

apparently Star Wars is some kind of Shakespearean tragedy for Donny, where the awesomest hombre in the galaxy keeps getting defeated.

anyway, the ‘Darth Vader’ who Donny was encouraging to ‘stand up,’ is, of course, Russ Vought, the architect of Project 2025 who is now Director of the Office of Management and Budget. Russ has been hard at work hollowing out government to the point where it no longer functions. he’s also been, as Donny was proud to point out, ‘cutting Democrat priorities.’

you know, ‘Democrat’ priorities, like ‘healthcare should be affordable,’ and ‘food and drugs should be inspected.’ just wait until the cultists discover that cutting all that shit affects them, too.

hey — speaking of Donny and his relationship with Russ the Impaler, here’s a fun story that’s not at all creepy or vomit-inducing.

apparently, after Vought’s wife left him in 2023, America’s Poon-Hound-in-Chief made it his mission in life to get Russ laid. ‘come down to Motel-a-Lago,’ Donny urged him, ‘you’ll be drowning in snatch.’

apparently, after Vought’s wife left him in 2023, America’s Poon-Hound-in-Chief made it his mission in life to get Russ laid. ‘come down to Motel-a-Lago,’ Donny urged him, ‘you’ll be drowning in snatch.’

“Trump spoke to Vought, a self-described Christian nationalist who’s now one of the president’s most hardline enforcers, about the ‘gorgeous’ and ‘beautiful ladies’ who roam Trump’s club, Mar-a-Lago, so often that it ‘weirded out’ some of his advisers,” sources told Zeteo.

“And Trump spoke crudely of all the ‘pussy’ that Vought would surely get as the president’s favorite ‘bachelor.’”

yes, I know. I just had the same reaction you did.

come on, Russ — how could you resist the Sirens of Motel-a-Lago?

but I digress. we need to get back to Donny, because he’s been getting all shouty at his TV again.

“the great George Washington, all the way to— [pauses as his mind goes blank] well, I think we have to rate him above me. so, less than great. less than George. as somebody went up the other day, they say, ‘you’re the third-best president of the Uni—’ this was on television, ‘third best.’ and they said who are the first two? ‘George Washington and Abraham Lincoln,’ and I got extremely angry at this man, heh heh, you know? you can’t— it’s— it’s gonna be— it’s gonna be tough to beat [gestures] Mister Senator, it’s gonna be— John, it’s gonna be very tough to beat Washington and Lincoln, but we’re gonna give it a try, right? hey, they didn’t put out eight wars, nine coming. all right, we put out eight wars, and the ninth is coming, believe it or not.”

let’s set aside this fever swamp hallucination, where Donny actually believes he deserves the Nobel Bestest President Ever Prize for “putting out” eight (now nine) wars. (fact check: fuck off.)

instead, let’s focus on how Donny’s brain has gone fuckity-bye. listen to him ramble incoherently, and struggle to finish a single sentence without losing his train of thought.

this is the clownish figurehead they put in front of the camera to distract us all with his dog-and-pony show, while Stephen Miller and Russ Vought and all the other sewer clowns run around in the background and do the actual work of fucking our country into oblivion.

everyone knows this. it’s the worst-kept secret in Washington.

meanwhile, every Republican Senator present at Donny’s Parking Lot Club luncheon, and every reporter watching from the wings, sits there with a grin frozen on their face, and pretends that all of this is normal, and acts like nothing’s wrong.

hey, why should they complain? when the whole thing was over, they all got cool swag bags full of Trump-branded merch as a parting gift.

I shit you not.

what did We the People get? fucked, that’s what. and not in the Russ-Vought-at-Motel-a-Lago way.

lucky us.

it’s Day Two of the desecration of the East Wing. remember how Donny swore that construction of his vulgar dance hall wouldn’t affect the East Wing at all?

well, here’s the latest photo from yesterday, and it sure looks like they’re going to demolish the whole fucking thing.

these photos we’re getting are coming from people inside the Treasury Building, which is right next door to the East Wing. Treasury employees have a front-row seat to the travesty going on.

naturally, when Donny found out that these photos were going viral and horrifying the shit out of everyone, he reacted in the most Donny way possible: by screaming ‘off with their heads!’

WASHINGTON—The Treasury Department instructed employees not to share photos of the demolition of parts of the White House’s East Wing after images of construction equipment dismantling the facade of the building went viral online.

“As construction proceeds on the White House grounds, employees should refrain from taking and sharing photographs of the grounds, to include the East Wing, without prior approval from the Office of Public Affairs,” a Treasury official wrote on Monday evening in an email to department employees viewed by The Wall Street Journal.

sure, why not? let’s just cover everything up.

you want to see Donny’s medical records? go fuck yourself. ok, how about the Epstein Files? go fuck yourself.

and now, a new one for the list. you want to track the wanton destruction of the House that belongs not to Donny, but to We the People?

go fuck yourself.

meanwhile, it’s been 29 days since Arizona’s Adelita Grijalva was elected to Congress — and the limpest dick in Washington, Holy Mike Johnson, is still refusing to swear her in.

everyone knows why, of course: she’s the 218th and deciding ‘yes’ vote on Tom Massie’s discharge petition that would force the release of the Donny’s Dead Pedo Bestie files.

Holy Mike’s getting super fucking pissed off, because this obvious farce has reached the point where every time he goes out in public. it’s the first thing reporters pester him about.

what are you hiding, bro? what’s in those files that you’re so hot to keep under wraps?

“suddenly now, they’ve somehow convinced themselves that the [makes air-quotes] Epstein files will be damaging to President Trump and Republicans in some way that they’ve imagined, and so they feign outrage.”

you gotta love Holy’s Mike’s air quotes around ‘Epstein files.’ what’s your implication here, Mike, that we’re making the whole thing up?

you know why we’re so convinced that the Epstein files are damaging to Donny? it’s because Republicans are trying so hard to keep them covered up. fucking duh, man. this isn’t rocket science.

every time Holy Mike opens his weaselly lying mouth, he just digs himself deeper. what are you hiding, bro?

hold on — Comer Fudd, the rake-steppingest shitwit in Congress, wants a turn at the mic. for some ungodly reason, he’s super hot to embarrass himself in public again.

“let’s be clear, Democrats don’t care about transparency or accountability in this matter. the evidence we’ve gathered does not implicate President Trump in any way. public reporting, survivor testimony, and official documents show that Bill Clinton had far closer ties to Epstein. we’re working to bring former President Clinton in for a deposition, but the Democrats aren’t helping one bit.”

oh, bull fucking shit.

if the dead pedo bestie files truly exonerate Donny, then release them. show the whole world just how innocent he is.

oh, you won’t? then you must be covering something up, fuck-o.

you gotta love how Republicans imagine that ‘Bill Clinton is in the files’ is some kind of ‘game over, man’ gotcha.

you goddamn well know that if there were juicy dirt on Bill Clinton, Bill Barr would have released all of it five years ago, and Hannity would still be reading it out loud on Fox News every single night.

but let’s say the farts coming out of Comer’s mouth are true, and that Bill Clinton is implicated in the Epstein Files.

fine. bring him in. depose him. put him on trial.

if Bill Clinton committed crimes, lock him the fuck up. he and Donny can be cellmates, for all we care.

‘blah blah blah blah Bill Clinton’ means nothing to us. investigate the shit out of him.

here’s what Comer and all these Republican puke-weasels can’t understand: we’re not in a cult.

we don’t worship a Dear Leader who must be protected at all times. everyone who got up to sick shit on Epstein Island needs to be held accountable. release the files, and let the chips fall where they may.

release the full, unedited Epstein files, you fucking fucks.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

 

Posted on

I Didn’t Say I Wasn’t Going To Post Anything

let’s start off with a bang. ladies and gents, I give you the winner of the Nobel Best Sign At No Kings Day Prize.

it’s Wonkette’s own Rebecca Schoenkopf — because once you’ve said what Rebecca’s said, what else is left?

folks, we did it.

an estimated seven million of us gathered peacefully coast to coast, to rise up as one and convey a singular message: fuck you, you fucking fuck — you’re not our king.

wait, did I say coast to coast? no, it was the entire world telling Donny Convict to fuck straight off.

folks showed up in South Korea.

and Geneva.

also in London.

holy shit, there was even one homey who parked himself in front of the US embassy in Tallinn, the capital of Estonia.

dude, you fucking rule.

meanwhile, back here in the US of A, the crowds were ginormous. check out Boston.

of course, Boston is in the major leagues when it comes to protesting. they’ve been perfecting this shit since 1773.

here’s Chicago.

and here’s Los Angeles

n Washington DC, folks carried a gigantic copy of the US Constitution down Pennsylvania Ave.

Times Square in New York City.

holy shit, look at Pittsburgh.

and look at Charlotte, North Carolina.

it wasn’t just blue states. check out Salt Lake City, in deeply-red Utah.

and it wasn’t just big cities. Highlands, North Carolina, is a tiny town of only a thousand people. an estimated six hundred of them showed up to give Donny a well-earned finger.

the worst people in the world were so horny to paint No Kings Day as some kind of mass terror event, organized by some imaginary ‘pro-Hamas wing of the Democrat™ Party,’ whatever the fuck that is, and paid for everyone’s favorite wealthy Jew.

check out the full-time podcast bro Fidel Cancun.

Ted Cruz: Follow the money. You look at this No Kings rally—there’s considerable evidence that George Soros is behind funding these rallies which may well turn into riots.

hey, did you know that Ted Cruz has a side hustle as a US Senator? I know, I was shocked when I found out, too. I thought all he did was podcast, and put his unctuous werewolf face on Fox News.

anyway, here’s a fact check for Teddy C: fuck off.

Ted, you odious dumbfuck. do you actually think George Soros is cutting seven million paychecks for the protesters? I have a question: is Soros withholding taxes and issuing 1099s, or do we need to be keeping track of that shit ourselves? is an inflatable frog costume a deductible business expense?

fuck me, did I even remember to save the receipts?

I sure hope Hamas appreciates what these frolicking dinosaurs in Chicagoare doing to further their cause.

here’s an additional fact check for Ted and his claim of ‘widespread rioting’: piss up all the ropes

The majority of the No Kings protests have dispersed at this time and all traffic closures have been lifted. We had more than 100,000 people across all five boroughs peacefully exercising their first amendment rights and the NYPD made zero protest-related arrests.

New York City: zero arrests.

now let’s contrast that to what happened on Yes Kings Day, when a bunch of crybabies went ape-shit because they couldn’t deal with Dear Leader being a loser.

what was it that Ted and his ilk called these cop-beating fuckfaces? oh right: tourists blowing off steam.

let’s see if anyone got arrested closer to Ted Cruz’s home city of Austin.

Thank you to everyone who participated in the No Kings March today. The rally remained peaceful, with no arrests reported. We’re grateful to our community and event organizers for coming together to make sure voices were heard safely and respectfully. Great job ATX!

sorry, Ted. nada.

oh wait, there was one arrest of a protester. a woman in a penis costume got nailed in Fairhope, Alabama, for ‘lewd conduct.’ great use of your time, Fairhope cops. you’re doing the lord’s work.

and some dipshit in a Trump shirt got arrested for pulling out a gun at a protest in Myrtle Beach, FL.

so for those of you keeping score at home, it’s
— ginormous penis, 1
— MAGA asshole, 1
— seven million peaceful protesters, 0

Fox News is cordially invited to go fuck themselves. they spent the day trying to convince their credulous dolt audience that America was burning to the ground.

that’s all they have: lies. they know that the dopes glued to their TVs won’t even bother to look out their windows.

oh wait, America’s self-appointed Bathroom Panty Inspector has something to say.

words, what do they even mean, am I right, Nancy?

what was Nancy Mace even doing, tweeting during a day of widespread chaos and mayhem? she should have stationed herself in front of some porta-potty, so make sure no transgendered dinosaurs committed any crimes against nature.

fuck those fucking fucks. it’s time for some more heroes.

credit: Bill Grueskin on Bluesky

credit: Stacey Lynn King on threads

credit: Bill Grueskin on Bluesky

credit: Stacey Lynn King on threads

credit: Michelangelo Signorile on Bluesky

credit: freemark7 on Bluesky

credit: Betty Bowers on Bluesky

credit: Stephanie J. on Bluesky

credit: Aaron Rupar on Bluesky

credit: Bill Kristol on Bluesky

credit: Subodh Chandra on Threads

it’s funny, but I didn’t see one sign today that said ‘I love Hitler’ — I guess that shit’s only for unfuckable incel Republicans.

check out what the doughiest pantload ever to shit himself in the Oval Office farted out onto his failing app. it’s AI-generated slop of him, wearing a fucking crown, flying a fighter jet over protesters and dumping literal shit on them.

how mature.

fuck off, Donny.

was this dumbfuck video supposed to own libs? it should come with a warning label: no libs were owned by the distribution of this infantile twaddle.

this isn’t even conduct unbecoming of a president — it’s conduct unbecoming of anyone over the age of two.

wasn’t it just a little while ago that this deteriorating fuckwit got flummoxed by an escalator that turned into stairs? keep dreaming your little dreams of fighter-pilot glory, you insignificant, spiteful homunculus. we’re all laughing at you.

you’re not our king. you’re a very naughty boy. now go away.

and could our media please stop failing us?

no, it wasn’t ‘brown liquid’ — it was shit. just come out and say it.

oh, and New York Times: it wasn’t ‘thousands of protesters’ — try MILLIONS.

what the fuck is wrong with you?

let’s wrap this up with a palate cleanser. here’s Rebecca Schoenkopf again — because hers is a sign so nice, I’m using it twice.

have a great Sunday, everyone. you’ve earned it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Friday Tiedrich

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

seriously, fuck that guy.

now let’s congratulate the woman who did win the Nobel Peace Prize, María Corina Machado.

The Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado, who built a powerful social movement and has been living in hiding since last year, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The Norwegian Nobel Committee praised “her tireless work promoting democratic rights for the people of Venezuela and for her struggle to achieve a just and peaceful transition from dictatorship to democracy.”

María Corina Machado is the Venezuelan opposition leader who stood up to a tyrant, worked tirelessly to bring democracy to her country, and — after arrest warrants were issued on bogus conspiracy charges — now lives in hiding, fearing for her life.

conspicuously not on Machado’s resume is renaming her Department of Defense to Department of War, disappearing people into slave-labor gulags, exploding the shit out of fishing boats, or sending armed military after her own people.

because the country of Norway is forced to exist in the same shitty timeline that we do, they now have to fear reprisals from the thinnest-skinned grievance-baby ever to crap a diaper in the Oval Office.

call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that causing an entire country to fear for its own safety if they don’t award you a Peace Prize kind of disqualifies you from ever getting a Peace Prize.

here’s Machado’s statement, upon learning she’d snagged the Prize.

“Oh my god. Well, I have no words.”

She went on: “This is an achievement of a whole society. I am just, you know, one person. I certainly do not deserve this.”

“I’m honored, humbled. I’m very grateful on behalf of the Venezuelan people. We’re not there yet. We’re working very hard to achieve it, but I’m sure that we will prevail,” she said.

did you hear that? that’s what humility sounds like.

it’s a sound we don’t hear much these days in America, where we’re governed by a preening asshole who never stops screaming in our exhausted faces about how he deserves all the accolades.

here’s what Steven Cheung, the dime-store Bond villain who doubles as Donny Convict’s communications director, posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar.

“President Trump will continue making peace deals, ending wars, and saving lives. He has the heart of a humanitarian, and there will never be anyone like him who can move mountains with the sheer force of his will. The Nobel Committee proved they place politics over peace.”

oh my god, you tiny little spite-fueled homunculus. how fucking hard it is to say ‘congratulations’?

boo fucking hoo, you sore losers. eat binky.

but do keep your chin up, Donny. you still have one thing mean old Barack HUSSEIN Obama will never have: the Nobel I Pointed At A Drawing Of A Camel Prize.

“I also did a cognitive exam. which is always very risky because if I didn’t do well, you’d be the first to be blaring it, and I had a perfect score. and one of the doctors said he’s almost never seen a perfect score. I had a perfect, uh, at perfect score. I got the highest score. and that made me feel good. when they asked ‘would I like to do one,’ I said yeah. I said, ‘did Obama do it?’ no … the last time I took a cognitive exam, it was a perfect score. the doctors announced it. and by the way, not the easiest test. the first few questions are pretty easy. once you get into the middle, it gets a little trickier. and there aren’t a lot of people in this room who would get every single question right, I could guarantee it.”

that was Donny, yesterday, at another one of his farcical ‘cabinet meetings.’

imagine being so fragile — and so in constant need of affirmation — that you have to interrupt your own meeting to brag about acing a test they give to people who show signs of drowning in their own dementia.

this the test Donny is bragging about — the Montreal Cognitive Assessment.

it’s not hard. twenty percent of the test is literally pointing at a drawing of a fucking camel.

awesome job, Donny. you get a lollipop!

now let’s give the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press a well-earned Two Minutes Hate, because they’ve spent the last three days pissing themselves with glee, and declaring that Donny deserves all the Peace Prizes for his Gaza cease-fire plan — a plan that’s basically identical to the peace plan Joe Biden hammered out on his last day in office. Donny shoved it into a drawer and ignored it, let the carnage in Gaza continue for ten months, then dusted it off and put his name on it.

good boy, Donny! help yourself to another lollipop!

can the Washington Post please, at long last, kindly fuck all the way off?

this is the kind of drek the WaPo shits out onto their oped pages these days. notice that they’re still using ‘democracy dies in darkness’ as their motto. I’m thinking it’s more like ‘democracy dies when Jeff Bezos disappears up Dear Leader’s ass.’

oh look, Chris Cillizza wants to play a round of Easy Questions, Easy Answers™.

“What if…Donald Trump actually deserves the Nobel Peace Prize?”

Newsweek can join the Washington Post over in fuckoffistan.

according to who? I’m pretty sure the Nobel Committee doesn’t lob prizes in the general direction of anyone who announces the framework of a concept for a sketch of a peace plan.

how about we wait and see if this latest cease-fire lasts more than a day before we anoint Dear Leader as God-Emperor of All Peacemakers?

and I’m sorry, but I can’t even any more with this guy.

please, John, for the love of all that is holy, shut the fuck up.

and finally, what is this nonsense?

Georgia Republican Rep. Buddy Carter: “Donald Trump has done that. that’s why he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. that’s why I’m introducing a resolution today that will honor him with the Nobel Peace Prize, and if need be, we’ll call for a discharge petition.”

I’m sorry, give me a minute to wrap my head around this insanity. do I have this right? Buddy Carter is so mad about Dear Leader getting snubbed that he’s going to legislate that Donny gets a Nobel Peace Prize anyway?

how the fuck would that even work? are Republicans going to gin up a fake Peace Prize and award it to Donny, so he can display it in that vulgar gold-plated bordello that used to be the Oval Office? they’re going to do thisjust to keep an infantile rage-baby from melting all the way down — and then we’ll all stand around and pretend it’s a perfectly normal thing that happened?

am I on crazy pills right now?

my god, the entire Republican Party is sore loser babies all the way down.

people, we are in serious danger of depleting our nation’s Strategic Reserve of Binkies.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

I haven’t passed along all of Mr. Tiedrich’s missives as poignantly entertaining as they are because frankly, there are just some days I can’t deal with anything regarding “Preznit Fuckwit” no matter how witty it may be.

never underestimate Little Donny Fuckface’s ability to waste everyone’s time on the stupidest bullshit imaginable.

witness the latest bug to crawl up the Mad King’s ass.

“I’m inside the White House. I will be speaking with the U.S. President and his cabinet about Antifa.”

that’s right, our 34-count convicted felon president invited a bunch of MAGA halfwits and hangers-on to the White House, for a roundtable on how to deal with the ‘problem’ of antifa — the imaginary ‘domestic terror organization’ that definitely doesn’t exist.

a roomful of morons setting policy based on a fever-swamp fantasy. it’s all so unbelievably stupid.

it’s as if a child were having a tea party with stuffed animals, and going ‘Mister Bear, let’s hear your plan to take on Soros.’

seriously, if you want to tackle a completely fictitious terror org, who better to have on your side than Pizzagate Jack Posobiec?

after all, Pizzagate Jack is the stuffed bear who promoted the fairy tale that Hillary Clinton trafficked children out of the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement. who better than Jack to fight an imaginary foe?

now, let’s back up a bit — because the Mad King’s quest to outlaw Big Bad Antifa dates all the way back to his first reign.

the problem for Donny back then was that there were actual adults in the room who were willing to take him aside and go ‘dude, don’t be a shit-kazoo.’

 

By ERIC TUCKER and BEN FOX
Published 10:07 PM EDT, September 17, 2020

WASHINGTON (AP) — FBI Director Chris Wray told lawmakers Thursday that antifa is an ideology, not an organization, delivering testimony that puts him at odds with President Donald Trump, who has said he would designate it a terror group.

Hours after the hearing, Trump took to Twitter to chastise his FBI director for his statements on antifa and on Russian election interference, two themes that dominated a congressional hearing on threats to the American homeland.

Chris Wray — who had been appointed FBI director by Donny — had it exactly right. antifa isn’t an organization. it’s a belief — that fascism is bad.

pro tip: if you’re against the idea of antifascism, you’re on the wrong fucking side.

this is something that Pizzagate Jack and his buddies don’t seem to realize

fast forward to today. Chris Wray is gone, replaced

by Krazee-Eyes Kash. Donny no longer has adults in the room. what he has are toadies like ICE Barbie. she loves to dress up, and she was thrilled to take part in the Boy King’s tea party.

when they announce this year’s Nobel Prize for Things That Never Happened the Most™, I hope it goes to Kristi Noem — because get a load of this.

“one of the individuals we arrested recently in Portland was the girlfriend of one of the founders of antifa, and that we are hoping as we go after her and interview her and prosecute her, we’ll get more and more information about the network and how we can root them out and eliminate them from the existence of American society.”

yeah, no.

there is no quote-unquote network. there is no organization. there’s no hierarchy, no meetings, no dues, no membership cards, no secret handshake — and there is certainly no founder, and no girlfriend. does she even have a name? this whole story is a huge fucking bowl of it never happened.

I have a question for ICE Barbie: after you caught this ‘girlfriend of antifa,’ did she try to eat her own arm off?

it’s a legit thing to ask, because Noem is shameless about making shit up. here she is, back in July, at a press conference for the opening of that massive human rights violation, Alligator Alzcatraz.

“the other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. they said that they had detained a cannibal, and put him on a plane to take him home, and while they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself. and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”

MY GOD, PEOPLE, THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS. THEY’RE EATING THE CATS. THEY’RE GNAWING ON THEIR OWN ARMS.

spoiler alert: of fucking course this never happened — and there is no reason on earth to ever believe any of the batshit that vomits out of ICE Barbie’s mouth.

by the way, at yesterday’s tea party, President Pudding Cup continued to prove that he’s a remarkable physical specimen in perfect health. tell me, is it worrisome when a 79-year-old president struggles to stay awake during every single time he appears in public?

it’s another legit question, because the White House announced yesterday that Donny will have his ‘yearly’ checkup at Walter Reed Hospital on Friday — which is weird, because he already had his ‘yearly’ Walter Reed checkup six months ago. so, what are not being told?

“I don’t know what could be worse than Portland. you don’t even have stores anymore. they don’t even put glass up. they put plywood on their windows.”

IS THAT WHY THEY’RE EATING THEIR OWN ARMS? because they don’t have stores any more, and Portlanders can no longer buy groceries?

where is this gibbering lunatic getting his information from? nothing even close to that is happening in Portland. the protests are minuscule, and confined to the one block in front of the ICE facility. look at this terrifying frog. no wonder Meal Team ICE is shitting their pants and calling for military backup.

is it worrisome when a president is tyrannical and incoherent at the same time?

…a flag burning mob, and we’ve uh made it uh one year penalty for inciting riots. we took the freedom of speech away because it’s been through the courts, and the courts said ‘you have freedom of speech’ but that— what has happened is when they burn a flag, it agitates and irritates crowds, they’ve never seen anything like it, both sides, and you end up with riots, so we’re going on that basis, we’re looking at it from not from the freedom of speech, which I always felt strongly about, but never passed the courts.”

holy shit, not only is Donny struggling to stay awake, he’s struggling to read what’s written on the paper in front of him.

‘we took the freedom of speech away’ — what a stunning thing to admit.

for those of you keeping score at home, flag burning is bad.

but using the flag to beat the shit out of cops on January 6, that’s good.

it’s also apparently totes cool to snuggle Old Glory against your cooch.

look, President Playpen can shit out all the farcical executive orders he wants, but he can’t redefine Constitutionally-protected speech, no matter how hard he tries. all this fuckery is going to end up in front of judges and grand juries — and they’ve shown time and again that they have no patience for any of Donny’s authoritarian bullshit.

none of this is normal. presidents aren’t supposed to shred the Constitution — nor are they supposed to wage war against their own people.

it’s so clear that Donny wants blood in the streets. he doing all he can to provoke clashes between protesters and National Guard troops, so he can invoke the Insurrection Act and declare martial law.

Donny is super fucking horny for a civil war. this is some scary shit, for sure — but the clock is ticking, and time may be running out on America’s Mad King.

here’s a thing that California Rep. Eric Swalwell not-tweeted yesterday morning.

“It’s coming to an end guys. I’ve spoken to a lot of House Republicans this week and they’ve confided that Trump’s movement/support is fading. As one told me, ‘this Epstein bomb is about to drop and no want wants to defend a pedo-protector. It’s just a matter of time.’”

which was followed up by—

“One Republican just texted me that if there’s a discharge vote on Epstein they expect a ‘jail break’ of over 100 members. Trump will go nuts!”

shoot that shit directly into my veins.

I know, it sounds way too good to be true — but Eric Swalwell is not a bullshitter.

Holy Mike can’t hold up Adelita Grijalva’s swearing-in ceremony forever. that 218th vote in favor of Tom Massie’s discharge petition is coming, sooner or later.

buckle your seat belt, things are about to get interesting.

oh, and the Nobel Peace Prize is being announced tomorrow morning. get ready for a ketchupnado in the West Wing.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

yesterday was the first day of the Republican shutdown of our government, and Republicans spent it doing what they always do: swanning about like utter fucking shitheads, and shitheading up a storm.

let us document some of the atrocities.

remember how Donny stood up in front of eight hundred admirals and generals at Piss-Drunk Pete’s Big Hunkin’ WarriorFest and told them all that they should be using America’s cities for ‘military training’?

what an awesome idea. sure, instead of boring old basic training, let’s tell our soldiers, ‘hey, you want to know how to shoot a gun and go to war and stuff? okay, go practice on Americans first.’

of course you remember. it was one of the evilest things ever to spew out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth. it’s unforgettable.

oh no wait, there’s one guy who’s apparently in the dark. I guess he wandered away from the TV right at that moment.

I’m talking of course about Holy Mike Johnson, the limpest dick in Congress. he has no fucking clue what everyone’s so riled up about.

George Stephanopoulos: “Trump said yesterday that he wants American cities to be used as ‘training grounds’ for the military. is that the highest and best use of the military?”

Holy Mike: “I run the House. and what we need to be talking about today is real harm that the American people are going to feel because of what Schumer is doing.”

Stephanopoulos: “hold on a second. answer the question. as Speaker, do you believe it’s appropriate to use American cities as training grounds for the military, calling those people ‘the enemy within’?”

Holy Mike: “I’m not commenting on your characterization of what the president said.”

Stephanopoulos: “those are quotes. they are not characterizations.”

Holy Mike: “well you can take his quotes out of context, which you often do, and I don’t think that’s fair to the president.”

ah, there we go. that’s what all these cowardly Republican shitheads do when called upon defend one of Donny’s crazypants mouth-farts: whine about how it’s so unfair for Dear Leader’s words to be taken out of context.

taken out of what context? there’s only one context, that of a demented sadist horny to inflict suffering and death on cities that displease him.

but wait, Holy Mike’s not done being a shithead.

here’s a name you need to know: Adelita Grijalva.

Grijalva, a Democrat from Arizona’s 7th district, was elected to the House last week. she replaces her father, the late Raúl Grijalva, who died while in office. here’s a fun, awesome fact about Adelita: once sworn in, she’ll be the 218th — and deciding — vote in favor of Thomas Massie’s discharge petition to release the full Epstein Files.

so, if she was elected a week ago, why the fuck hasn’t she been sworn in yet?

I just explained why, weren’t you listening? she hasn’t been sworn in specifically because she’s the deciding vote to force the release of the Epstein Files — and Holy Mike doesn’t want any of that shit to happen.

if Grijalva were a Republican, and a reliable no vote for Massie’s petition, Holy Mike would have sworn her in the moment her plane landed in DC. but she’s not.

so, Adelita sits and waits. what’s that old saying? oh yeah: justice delayed is justice denied. release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

here’s the next shithead on our list: Vice President Couchfuck McGee.

the White House sent the furniture molester out to do Shutdown Damage Control yesterday, and he used his time to play a vigorous round of Things That Never Happened The Most.

“if you’re an American citizen and you’ve been to the hospital in the last few years, you’ve probably noticed that wait times are especially large and very often somebody who’s there in the emergency room, waiting, is an illegal alien, very often it’s a person who can’t speak speak English. why do those people get healthcare benefits at hospitals paid for by American citizens? the answer is a decision made by the Biden administration.”

fact check: go fuck a couch.

the reason that any person can go to an emergency room and get treatment is the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act, which was signed into law by that well-known commie marxist radical leftist lunatic, Ronald Reagan, in 1986.


but Couchfuck never passes up an opportunity to demonize immigrants. he wants you to imagine that you can’t get treatment, because ERs nationwide have all been overrun by swarthy hordes going ‘help me, doctor, I was eating my neighbor’s pets and I dropped the skillet on my foot, and now my big toe is all hurty.’

but I have a question: where was Donny? why wasn’t the Mad King out there, taking questions from the press? that fucker loves a camera.

there was only one item on Donny’s official schedule yesterday: another executive order dog-and-pony show.

and unless I missed something, I’m pretty sure even that didn’t happen — or, at the least, Donny signed orders without making a show of it in front of the press, which seems super fucking unlikely.

and there’s nothing public on Donny official schedule for today.

here we go again. the desperately-needy attention-trollop who can’t go fifteen minutes without finding a camera to stand in front of is missing in action, in the middle of the juiciest story of the year: a government shutdown. you would figure he would have endless bullshit to say about it — so where is he?

is Donny having another mysterious medical event that we’ll never get told about?

or maybe Preznit Fuckwit is out of sight because he’s hard at work bringing an end to the seventeen thousandth imaginary war — which, by the way, the whole fucking world is laughing at us over.

need proof? here’s a thing that just happened right now, while I’m in the middle of writing this piece:

U.S. President Donald Trump’s geographic confusion was the butt of a joke between world leaders at a summit Thursday.

Albanian Prime Minister Edi Rama was filmed poking fun with French President Emmanuel Macron and Azerbaijan’s President Ilham Aliyev at the European Political Community meeting in Copenhagen on Thursday.

“You should make an apology … to us because you didn’t congratulate us on the peace deal that President Trump made between Albania and Azerbaijan,” Rama told Macron, leading Aliyev to burst out laughing.

“I am sorry for that,” Macron joked.

here’s the video:

tell me, is there a Nobel Prize for being a complete fucking embarrassment?

ooks like we have time for one more shithead: Noseferatu McGoebbels.

listen to this over-amped maniac salivate over the idea of a military invasion of Memphis. he’s apparently hopped up on the kind of sugar high you can only get from biting the heads off of live bats.

“all that bullshit is done, over, it’s finished. the gangbangers you deal with — they think they’re ruthless? they have no idea how ruthless we are. they think they’re tough? they have no idea how tough we are. they think they’re hardcore? we are so much more hardcore than they are.”

lighten the fuck up, tough guy. who’s ‘we’? Nosferatu McGoebbels is what would happen if ‘oh yeah? you and what army?’ became a real boy.

I have, as always, a question: why is Stephen Miller calling in air strikes on Venezuelan fishermen?

Stephen Miller, the White House deputy chief of staff, has played a leading role in directing US strikes against suspected Venezuelan drug boats, according to three people familiar with the situation. At times, his role has superseded that of Marco Rubio, the secretary of state and national security adviser.

I don’t know much about militarying, but I’m pretty sure that White House deputy chief of staff isn’t supposed to be part of the chain of command.

‘there’s a boat in the water? oh, I’m sorry, neither the president nor the secretary of state is available right now, but here’s the chief of staff’s assistant.’

yeah, let’s put an undead racist in charge of deciding which fishing boats get blown to fuck. what could possibly go wrong?

and now — because you’ve earned it by reading down this far — here’s your hero of the day: Democratic Rep. Madeleine Dean.

yesterday, Rep. Dean cornered Holy Mike in the halls of Congress and got him to make a very interesting confession.

Madeleine Dean: “the president is unhinged. he is unwell.”

Holy Mike: “a lot of folks on your side are, too.”

Dean: “oh my god, please. that performance in front of the generals?”

Holy Mike: “I didn’t see it.”

Dean: “it’s so dangerous! our allies are looking elsewhere. our enemies are laughing. you have a president who is unwell.”

did you catch that? when Dean said Donny was unhinged and unwell, Holy Mike didn’t say ‘no he isn’t’ — he said ‘a lot of folks on your side are, too.’

‘too.’

Republicans know their Mad King is fucking nuts. they all know.

let’s go. 25th Amendment now. after which, release the Epstein Files.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

let’s suppose that President Joe Biden, in the middle of the night, had posted to social media an AI-generated deep-faked imaginary news report of himself, proudly announcing that every American would now have access to a non-existent medical device that would de-age them, heal them, and re-grow the shit out of their missing limbs.

you know exactly what would have happened next: the entire world would demanded to know what the fuck is wrong with Joe Biden? the press would have been screaming for an explanation, and rightfully so. Comer Fudd would have stepped on every rake in a mad dash to convene a hearing. dust off them photos of Hunter Biden’s freakishly-oversized trouser-hog, Marge. we’s-a havin’ us a good-ol’ an impeachment party.

world leaders would have called for an obviously-impaired Biden to step down. so would Republicans. so would Democrats.

hell, even I would have called for Sundowning Grandpa Icecreamcone to be 25th Amendmented on the spot.

you know where I’m going with this: on Saturday night, Donny Convict did just that: he posted a fake video of a fake Donny making a fake announcement about a fake medical device.

deepfake Lara Trump: “breaking now, President Donald J. Trump has announced a historic new healthcare system: the launch of America’s first new medbed hospitals, and a national medbed card for every citizen.”

deepfake Donny: “every American will soon receive their own medbed card. with it, you’ll have guaranteed access to our new hospitals led by the top doctors in the nation, equipped with the most advanced technology in the world. the facilities are safe, modern, and designed to restore every citizen to full health and strength.”

https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!8RdF!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F078465ed-55a9-4d06-80ac-40a99ae56699_220x198.gif

bear in mind that nothing you saw in that video is real. that wasn’t Lara Trump, that wasn’t Donny, that wasn’t the Oval Office — where is the all the gold-plated crap, and the stolen World Cup trophy? — there is no ‘medbed hospital,’ and, most importantly, the medbed doesn’t exist.

and yet, when Preznit Fuckwit saw this video show up in his feed, he went ‘oh yeah, there I am, doing that thing I did’ — and posted it to his own crappy app.

tell me, is it bad when the leader of a country is so cognitively impaired that he can no longer determine what’s real?

it’s one thing to get fooled by a realistic-looking video on social media. it’s happened to all of us. it’s another thing entirely to get fooled by a video of you doing something you never did.

man person woman camera medbed.

let’s talk about this medbed. it’s a QAnon fever swamp hallucination that’s been going around for a least three years, and it’s pure, unadulterated batshit.

An increasingly popular conspiracy theory falsely centers around the existence of “med beds,” a fabled medical instrument that does everything from reversing aging to regrowing missing limbs. The theory has grown in popularity among followers of far-right movements like QAnon, some of whom claim to be urgently awaiting a med bed to treat severe health conditions.

that’s right: after spending a hard day trafficking children out of the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement, Hillary Clinton returns home to Chappaqua, lies down on her medbed, and regrows all her missing limbs.

and it’s not just the email lady who’s benefiting from this mythical tech — so is Bobby Brainworms’ uncle Jack.

The group falsely believes that John F. Kennedy is still alive and youthful, and attributes his remarkable longevity to the curative powers of med beds.

as with all things QAnon, it’s dumb as fuck and makes no sense.

if there really were a medbed, wouldn’t Joe Biden have been using one all along? wouldn’t Donny? wouldn’t Glitch McConnell and the seven-hundred-and-fifty-eight-year-old Chuck Grassley? wouldn’t everyone at the top level of government be running around youthful and getting up into highjinks, as if they were in the movie Cocoon?

https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!IVG8!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fcba21d99-3ee4-41a7-98b0-f29b2c0a44b1_400x222.gif

it’s all so obviously bogus, and yet Donny was fooled by a fake video of a fake himself, doing fake things. he saw himself doing things never did, and accepted it without question. holy fucking shit.

Sunday morning, one of Donny’s handlers deleted the video — but the internet never forgets.

folks, this is some crazy fucking shit. we should all be alarmed that the president’s brain has gone fuckity-bye.

none of this is normal.

and it’s becoming increasingly clear that Donny’s own sewer clowns are aware that Dear Leader has gone Full Nutso. they work around him, and feed him disinformation and feel-good stories — and they’ve cut him out of the loop. they don’t even bother to clue him in to their own fuckery any more.

it’s been obvious for a while now that Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand has been high on his own supply — and running his own show. a couple of months ago, he made a unilateral decision to shitcan aid to Ukraine — and he didn’t even bother to give Dear Leader so much as a courtesy head’s-up.

https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!s9hq!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F19660dd1-a9e8-42e6-85a7-e55d829008e3_1696x300.jpeg

it’s also becoming obvious that Donny had no advance notice about Kegstand’s WarriorEthosPallooza, that mandatory meeting wherein every general and admiral worldwide has been summoned to some fucked-up playdate in Washington tomorrow. per The New York Times,

Mr. Trump appeared unfamiliar with the meeting when he was asked about it during an Oval Office appearance on Thursday, but he quickly said it was good that Mr. Hegseth had organized it.

‘unfamiliar’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence. listen to Donny blither like a fifth-grader called upon to give a surprise oral report about a book they forgot to read.

“I love it, I think it’s great, let him be friendly with the generals and admirals from all over the world. is there something wrong with it? why is that such a big deal? the fact that we’re getting along with the generals and admirals from all over the world? remember, I’m the president of peace. it’s good to get along. you act like this is a bad thing. isn’t it nice that people are coming from all over the world to be with us?”

‘isn’t it nice’? Donny seems blissfully unaware that every admiral and general has been ordered to attend this meeting. he’s apparently under the impression that all these top military brass just decided amongst themselves, ‘hey, what if we all got together in DC to have a few laughs?’ Donny imagines it’s going to be Woodstock for the military. three days of peace and love, and grooming tips from the Fox News dunk-tank clown — and every general and admiral will get to have a turn in Donny’s personal medbed.

‘isn’t is great we’re getting along with the generals and admirals from all over the world?’

yeah, it’s fucking awesome, President Pudding Cup. now let’s get you to bed, you’re sundowning again.

now, here’s what Donny said during a phone call yesterday with NBC news, the one where he announced he’s going to crash Kegstand’s meeting. he still has no fucking clue what it’s about. he’s still that bullshitting fifth-grader who still hasn’t read the book.

“It’s really just a very nice meeting talking about how well we’re doing militarily, talking about being in great shape, talking about a lot of good, positive things. It’s just a good message,” Trump told NBC News in a phone call. “We have some great people coming in and it’s just an ‘esprit de corps.’ You know the expression ‘esprit de corps’? That’s all it’s about. We’re talking about what we’re doing, what they’re doing, and how we’re doing.”

“‘esprit de corps’ is a very important thing for the military to have, and that’s why everyone should read ‘A Farewell to Arms.’ thank you.”

check out this prime dollop of batshit that Uncle Dumbfuck posted to his crappy app.

“Some of the highest quality 24 Karat Gold used in the Oval Office and Cabinet Room of the White House. Foreign Leaders, and everyone else, “freak out” when they see the quality and beauty. Best Oval Office ever, in terms of success and look!!! President DJT”

what a delusional asshole. I guarantee you that no foreign leaders are ‘freaking out’ when they get a load of the cheap plastic tat that some flunky bought online, spray-painted gold, and hot-glued to the walls, turning the once-dignified Oval Office into a vulgar bordello gift shop.

au contraire, mon frere. they’re all rolling their eyes, Georgia Meloni-style, and trying not to laugh out loud.

my god, he’s such a fucking child. what a thing to brag about, as the price of food and gas skyrockets nationwide — that everyone’s jealous of your gaudy golden shitpile.

let them eat fake gold filigree, am I right, Dear Leader?

and now, here’s your hero of the day.

Donny’s masked ICE goons were doing a Full Racism the on streets of Chicago yesterday, rounding up and disappearing anyone with brown skin. so much for the fairy tale of how ICE is only going after criminals. cool story, ICE. now go fuck yourselves.

so let’s stand up and cheer for this food delivery dude who managed to out-run and out-bicycle nine members of ICE’s elite Meal Team Six squad.

too bad, so sad, thugs.

and fuck you, Donny, for turning America into an authoritarian hell-hole where being faster than fascism is the new spectator sport.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Happy Friday, Y’All

after three days of enduring President Rottinghands McRagebaby’s infantile whining about his harrowing battle with the UN’s Moving Steps of Death, Donny’s handlers finally figured out a way to get him to shut the fuck up about it. they did that thing where they brought in cameras, gave him a bunch of meaningless papers to sign, and then let him blither incoherently to the assembled press.

Donny was as happy as a pig in shit.

when it came time for the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media to ask their questions, one thing everyone wanted to know was who will Donny be persecuting next?

“Soros is a name certainly that I keep hearing. I don’t know, but Soros is a name that I hear. I hear a lot of different names. I hear names of some pretty rich people that are radical left people. maybe I hear about a guy named Reid Hoffman.”

‘maybe I hear about a guy’? this isn’t how presidents talk. this is how mobsters talk. this is the kind of thing Tony Soprano would say — and we know what happens when Tony ‘maybe hears about a guy.’

you gotta love the way Donny pretends that all this political witchhuntery is going on around him, and he’s got nothing to do with it. he’s just hearingthings.

it’s called plausible deniability, and it’s the one thing Roy Cohn and Donny’s own tyrant Klansman father taught Donny well. if it’s something that could one day come back to bite you in a court of law, shut the fuck up about it. never talk about it directly. you. know. nothing.

it could be anything. it could be something, like, let’s say, oh I don’t know — bringing the full weight of the government’s legal apparatus against people who’ve pissed you off.

which brings us to the huge story of the day.

Former FBI Director James Comey has been indicted by a federal grand jury, an extraordinary escalation in President Donald Trump’s effort to prosecute his political enemies.

Comey, a longtime adversary of the president, is now the first senior government official to face federal charges in one of Trump’s largest grievances: the 2016 investigation into whether his first presidential campaign colluded with Russia.

oh great, we’ve finally reached the Prosecute Political Enemies On Bogus Charges phase of Donny’s Five-Alarm Fascistopia.

lucky us. we’re really living in the dumbest police state ever.

Comey has been charged with giving false statements and obstruction of a congressional proceeding, and he could face up to five years in prison if convicted.

Comey was basically indicted because reasons — because fuck James Comey, that’s why. remember, one prosecutor already quit-or-was-fired because he said there was nothing legit with which to charge him.

I’d love to get into the nuts and bolts of charging documents and notice pleading and bills of particulars, and explain exactly why this is a janky indictment, but I can’t. I’m just a guy who types cuss words into his laptop. understanding all this law shit is way above my pay grade.

for that, we have the indispensable Joyce Vance. be sure to read her thing.

what I can tell you is that this is some bullshit.

I can also tell you that even AG Pam Bondi knows that this is some bullshit — because she was against indicting Comey before she was for it.

attorneys from the Eastern District of Virginia sent a memo to Bondi, where they were all ‘we can’t indict Comey, this evidence is flimsy as fuck,’ and Bondi nodded her head in agreement. but then Donny got his brand new rent-a-prosecutor in the Eastern District, Lindsey Halligan — whose previous job was being a member of Donny’s team of ace parking garage lawyers — to drop the hammer, and Bondi had no choice but to change her tune. she has always been at war with Eastasia.

Late Thursday, Bondi replied to CNN’s reporting, stating, “That is a flat out lie.”

lying liar says what?

hey, remember what I was saying earlier about plausible deniability?

listen to Donny trying to dodge responsibility for Comey’s indictment. what? James who?

reporter: “there could be an indictment on James Comey. Do you know if there is an indictment?”

Donny: “I don’t know. I know it’s going on, because I read the papers just like you do. so I don’t know. [turns to Bondi] do you have anything to say about that?”

Bondi: “we can’t comment on that.”

right, Donny hasn’t a clue what’s going on. all he knows is what he reads in the papers sees on Fox News. all this Comey business, it has nothing to do with him.

fact check: fuck straight off.

we all saw that thing Donny posted by mistake on his crappy app, where he ordered Pam Bondi to indict Comey, and told her that if she didn’t do it, he’d find someone who would.

Donny posted that on Saturday, and five days later, Comey ends up on the wrong end of an indictment.

plausible deniability just went fuckity-bye.

oh, by the way, Donny — your rotting hand can run, but it can’t hide.

Comey posted the following video to social media. I detest this guy for what he did to the email lady in 2016 — but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all stand with Comey when he’s the victim of fucked-up fascism on steroids.

“my family and I have known for years that there are costs to standing up to Donald Trump. but we … will not live on our knees, and you shouldn’t either. somebody that I love dearly recently said that fear is the tool of a tyrant, and she’s right, but I’m not afraid, and I hope you’re not either. I hope instead you are engaged, you are paying attention, and you will vote like your beloved country depends upon it, which it does. my heart is broken for the Department of Justice, but I have great confidence in the federal judicial system. I’m innocent. so, let’s have a trial and keep the faith.”

I don’t have to tell you just how monstrously evil all of this is. I don’t have to tell you that in just nine short months, a loathsome bully has turned our country into a mockery of what America is supposed to be about.

but what I do need to tell you is not to give in to despair, and to never give up hope. all this will end someday — and, in that regard, let’s give what should be the final words to Eric Swalwell.

“and by the way, the president is saying he has no control here. he has all of the control here. he’s the one who has been tweeting to the attorney general that Comey needs to be indicted. he’s the one who fired the US attorney who would not indict Comey. this is a very corrupt, corrosive act that the president is taking — and what I would just say to any prosecutor at the Department of Justice is that it’s not going away. as a member of the Judiciary Committee, I promise you when Democrats are in the majority we will look at all of this and there will be accountability and bar licenses will be at stake in your local jurisdiction, if you are corruptly indicting people if you cannot prove the case beyond a reasonable doubt.”

please hear what Eric is saying, because when this authoritarian nightmare that is our current timeline finally runs its course — and it will — there will be accountability.

it just can’t come fast enough.

oh wait, hang on — we’re not quite finished. the corrupt hack who runs the Department Of What Used To Be Justice wants to pelt us with some vapid mouth-noises.

“No one is above the law. Today’s indictment reflects this Department of Justice’s commitment to holding those who abuse positions of power accountable for misleading the American people. We will follow the facts in this case.”

oh, please. get out of here with this nonsense. no one is above the law? then release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

and release the Tom Homan tapes, while you’re at it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

at the United Nations on Tuesday, as America’s Fuckwit-in-Chief was blithering incoherently about Chinese wind and hell-bound countries and how awesome it is to bomb the shit out of fishing boats and how he deserves all the Nobel Peace Prizes and how everyone at the UN is a poopyhead for not letting him renovate their building, a foreign diplomat took out his phone and texted the following to an American journalist.

“This man is stark, raving mad. Do Americans not see how embarrassing this is?”

you know me, I love a good game of Easy Questions, Easy Answers — so allow me, if you will, to take my best shot.

YES, WE CAN ALL SEE THAT DONNY IS STARK BARKING BONKERS, AND WE’RE ALL FUCKING EMBARRASSED.

well, obviously, not the cultists, they eat this shit up — but to the other 70% of us who aren’t brain dead, we know it. we’re the ones who have to sit here, day after day, as the firehose of batshit gets sprayed point-blank into our faces.

I mean, check out what a lunatic looks like when he’s lunaticking at warp factor nine.

dear lord, what a fucking snowflake. a snowflake like no one’s even seen before. maybe the flakiest snowflake of all time.

grow the fuck up, bro. do you think Teddy Roosevelt would have been spooked by an escalator? absolutely not. just look at this homey.

T-Rose would have punched the shit out of those balky autostairs.

oh joy, President Pudding Cup is demanding to speak to the United Nations’ manager.

I’m sending a copy of this letter to the Secretary General, and I demand an immediate investigation.

yeah, you do that, Commander Crazypants. you send your strongly-worded letter. I’m sure Secretary General António Guterres can’t wait to roll his eyes, mime jerk-off motions, and toss it into the nearest trashcan.

EscalatorGate™ is now in its third day and shows no sign of abating — and in typical Donny carnival-barker style, the story of how an escalator briefly turned into stairs gets more outlandish with each retelling.

the escalator going up to the Main Speaking Floor came to a screeching halt. It stopped on a dime. It’s amazing that Melania and I didn’t fall forward onto the sharp edges of these steel steps, face first.

that’s right, Melania came this close to a brush with the United Nations’ patented Whirling Blades of Death.

as we discussed yesterday, no one was ever in any danger — but by next week, Donny’s going to be telling us that his Slovenian rent-a-wife had to somersault past laser beams — which, by the way, is a thing she can do because of the ninja training she received, while also learning to speak five languages (none of them English).

you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny is screaming LOCK THEM UP!

The people that did it should be arrested!

Donny, are the people who should be arrested in the room with us right now? actually in this case, they are — because it was Donny’s own videographer who ran up the the damned thing backwards and tripped the motion detector that stopped the escalator.

so sure, let’s arrest this poor unfortunate soul. no, wait — mere arrest isn’t adequate punishment for the person who dared inconvenience Dear Leader for an entire thirty seconds. let’s go all-in. let’s draw and quarter them as a vivid warning to any future frisky videographers. don’t you dare trip no fucking motion sensors, pal.

so, to get back to the foreign diplomat’s question — yes, we can all see how embarrassing this is, that our president is a weak and small man who can’t just laugh off a common mishap that we’ve all experienced, and is driven by his increasing insanity to create a pathetic spectacle.

and, as always, the only thing you really need to know about EscalatorGate™ is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

any sane country would have 25th Amendmented the fuck out of Dear Leader before he’d even had a chance to finish that batshit speech — but we don’t live in a sane country.

we live in a country that has built an entire propaganda infrastructure just to keep a cranky toddler from melting down and throwing ketchup bottles.

Donny’s UN address was received in silence. no one said a word — they just looked on in stunned horror as the Mad King gibbered like a loon.

in order to keep Dear Leader from going ape-shit about it, one of Donny’s own sewer clowns, Energy Secretary Chris Wright, had to go on Fox News and explain to the Audience of One watching in the White House how everyone wanted to cheer, but they couldn’t — because were afraid to. yeah, that’s it. that’s a credible explanation.

“everyone was listening … I think a lot of the world, maybe weren’t brave enough to cheer like that during his speech.”

where have I heard this kind of gaslighting before? oh right —

so again, yes, Ambassador, we are all embarrassed that our president can’t face unpleasant news and has to be coddled like a colicky infant.

wouldn’t you love it if our own worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press were as honest as their foreign counterparts?

and yes, Ambassador, we’re all fucking embarrassed that our president is, as the Daily Mail puts it, a “deranged man-baby.”

there’s a new “Presidential Walk of Fame” in the White House — and you’ll be shocked to learn that it’s childish as fuck.

here’s what Margo Martin not-tweeted from her official White House account.

no, let’s not “wait for it,” let’s just skip ahead and reveal that Joe Biden’s presidential portrait has been replaced with a photo of an autopen.

ha ha ha ha ha ha! get it? get it? it’s because Joe Biden’s autopen actually ran the country! isn’t that a fucking knee-slapper? isn’t that the funniest thing ever?

what’s the word I’m groping for here, as the entire world bears witness to a president — nay, to an entire White House staff — this petty, childish and spiteful?

oh right: embarrassing.

but, as always, please keep in your mind these sacred words from the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

oh, and Mr. Ambassador?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Monday

all of us, as children, were fed a lot of fairy tales. you know the kind: princesses in castles, dragons, big bad wolves, yadda yadda.

but I remember one particular fairy tale that got drummed into our heads over and over, and it went like this: ‘America’s system of government is the greatest ever invented.’

it’s such an adorable story, isn’t it? but answer me this: if that were actually true, then how were the stupidest fucking morons in the universe able to break it so easily?

oh look, Preznit Fuckwit has a new superpower: crime-ray vision.

reporter: “have you ever threatened DOJ leadership if they don’t prosecute Letitia James?”

Donny: “no. I don’t do that. I don’t do that. I mean, I look at the facts like everybody else. you read the facts, and to me she looks terrible, she looks like she’s very guilty. but that’s going to be up to the DOJ.”

that’s how Donny’s crime-ray vision works. he can just look at someone and know they’re guilty — and here’s who looks ‘very guilty’ to Donny: Letitia James.

what would you imagine was the one aspect of Letitia James that in Donny’s mind makes her ‘look guilty’? it’s pretty weird how almost all the people who ‘look guilty’ to Donny have the same thing in common.

now, for the other part of Donny’s mouth-fart, where he claims he hasn’t pressured Pam Bondi to go after his political enemies, and that it will be entirely the DOJ’s call.

fact check: oh please, just fuck straight off. we all saw what you posted to your janky app, Donny. look how it ends, with a demand that Bondi ‘serve justice.’

if Donny didn’t write that, I’d love to know who did.

hey, maybe it was his autopen. yeah, that’s it — it was Donny’s out-of-control autopen. let’s go with that.

after all, with Donny, every accusation is a confession. so if Donny is accusing Joe Biden’s autopen of committing every crime under the sun, then I’m absolutely willing to believe that Donny’s entire life is being run by some fucked-up autopen, and— [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being told that now, for the first time, we can reveal a photo of Donny’s autopen. here it is:

oh. well, that explains a lot.

Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin’s has a superpower of his own: dumbfuck-ray vision.

Dana Bash: “he’s asking his attorney general in a public way to go after his political enemies. he’s very open about it. you’re okay with that?”

Mullin: “well, I think what we know is President Trump is very open and transparent with the American people, and he speaks his mind. that’s what his supporters love about him.”

you know, when MarkWayne Mullin goes on the Sunday shows, it’s as if all the stupid in that’s backed up in his head all week can’t wait to vomit itself out of his mouth. let’s call it projectile stupidity.

but here, in this one instance, Mullin is correct: Donny is in fact open and transparent. he lies in public. he crimes in public. he’s racist in public. all that shit is right out in the open, because fuck you, that’s why. being in-your-face horrific is Donny’s brand.

and yeah, MAGA does in fact gobble that shit right down. why? because Dear Leader has, by example, given the worst people in the world permission to be the worst versions of themselves.

which brings us to Laura Ingraham, because I’m pretty sure that the worst version of Laura is the only version there is.

“…including a Democrat congressional candidate who was thrown to the ground by an ICE agent. good work.”

nothing to see here, just some Fox News fuckhead gloating over a Democrat being assaulted by one of Donny’s masked thugs. this, during a week where Republicans went totally ape-shit over anyone who failed to be ‘respectful’ of the memory of Charlie Kirk.

so, I guess political violence is only bad when it’s directed at Republicans? silly me. do I even have to ask?

the less said about the Charliekirkpallooza in Arizona yesterday, the better — so I’m not going to talk about it at all, except to observe for the umpteenth time that Charlie Kirk did not deserve to be murdered. but at the same time, that didn’t make him a saint.

the one thing, however, that was too fucking surreal to ignore was President Worst Version’s entrance — with fireworks.

who does this? who considers this a dignified way take the stage during a memorial?

like everything else in this skeevy dipshit’s life, it’s gaudy, tasteless, crude — and entirely inappropriate.

and MAGA eats it right up — because it’s a fucking cult. the tackier Dear Leader is, the more they adore him. I swear, we’re living a real-life Idiocracy.

let’s just listen to a true American hero instead — Jasmine Crockett.

Dana Bash: “a resolution that came before the house this past week, honoring Charlie Kirk, and there were 58 Democrats who voted against it. you were one. why?”

Jasmine Crockett: “absolutely. you know what? one of the things I do want to point out that’s not been laid out, that honestly hurts my heart, is when I saw the ‘no’ votes, there were only two caucasians. for the most part, the only people who voted ‘no’ were people of color. because the rhetoric that Charlie Kirk continuously put out there, was rhetoric that specifically targeted people of color. and so it is unfortunate that even our colleagues cannot see how harmful his rhetoric was, specifically to us, and I can tell you that a month prior to him passing away, he had actually gotten out on his podcast — I wasn’t aware of this at the time — but he got out there and he was talking negatively specifically about me, directly. so if there was any way that I was going to honor somebody who decided that they were just going to negatively talk about me, and proclaim that I was somehow involved in the ‘great white replacement’? yea, I’m not honoring that kind of stuff, especially as a civil rights attorney, and understanding how I got to Congress, knowing that there were people that died, people that were willing to die, that worked to make sure that voices like mine could exist in this place … and it is unfortunate that more of my colleagues, on my side of the aisle, could not see the amount of harm that this man was attempting to inflict upon our communities.”

Rep. Crockett is right, and shame on every Democrat who allowed themselves to be peer-pressured into voting to honor a white supremacist.

it’s the start of a brand new week here, and maybe our country can finally get back to what’s important: release the full, unedited Epstein files, you fucking fucks.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid From Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: peak Kirk

in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.

folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.

Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”

I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.

but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.

it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.

by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.

tuesday: they did what now?

of all the things that have never happened between two countries in conflict, here’s Tennessee Senator Bill Hagerty to hallucinate about the thing that never happened the most.

 

barely five years ago, China and India were fighting over a disputed border, and China used an electromagnetic weapon — they didn’t use bullets, but they used an electromagnetic weapon to literally melt Indian soldiers.”

seriously, Senator? what ‘electromagnetic weapon’ did the Chinese use? was it the Ark of the Covenant?

because we’ve all seen that famous documentary, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we’ve all seen what the Ark can do.

hey, wait a minute. that Ark is ours. according to the Indiana Jones documentary, it should be in storage in some massive warehouse.

 

did those fucking Chinese steal the Ark of the Covenant from us? we must demand it be returned. Mr. President, we must not allow an Ark of the Covenant gap!

wednesday: new Biden scandal drops

stop the presses! tear up page one, and start all over — because that dastardly fuckhead Joe Biden has done it again.

Laura Ingraham: “he’s been out of office for almost eight months now, but every now and again, Joe Biden wanders out into public view — and that ice cream moment only reminds us that his entire presidency was built on lies.”

Joe Fucking Biden. how dare he eat ice cream, and remind us of how he brought us out of the pandemic and then gave us four years of prosperity?

but wait — how do we even know that is Joe Biden in that clip? what if Biden’s autopen has achieved self-awareness, and is now going out by itself, in Joe’s place?

confess, autopen — what have you done with the real Joe Biden?

I think we’re going to have to hold some hearings about this. hey, James Comer, are you listening?

whoops, it looks like Comer Fudd is busy right now.

the only thing you need to know about Fox’s creepy obsession with Joe Biden is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

thursday: I never forget a face

it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.

that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”

Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —

and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.

so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?

remember, you’re under oath.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

some fucking idiot’s day started off badly, with a judge throwing out his ludicrous $15 billion lawsuit against The New York Times. no, wait — the judge didn’t just throw it out, he laughed it out.

The judge, who was appointed by President George H.W. Bush, called the complaint “decidedly improper and impermissible” and took Trump’s lawyers to task for using a legal complaint as a public forum for abusive language.

but that didn’t stop the fucking idiot from holding a press appearance where he insisted that losing is actually winning.

once again, the fucking idiot failed to understand how the First Amendment works.

and once again, the fucking idiot was rude to the press.

the fucking idiot blithered about Joe Biden’s autopen. wait until he finds out that Joe’s autopen has been going out by itself and buying ice cream.

here’s a new wrinkle. the fucking idiot now has a bug up his ass about retaking Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, which I guess is a thing we’ll do right after we’re finished annexing Canada and invading Greenland.

throughout the entire presser, the fucking idiot kept his rotting hand hidden.

later, fucking idiot then announced that he’d blown up another boat — once again, without providing any proof of his outlandish claims.

and not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

no, seriously. fuck you, ABC. fuck all the way off. start fucking off over here, and then just fuck yourself all the way over to there — and then keep on going, until you’ve fucked yourself right to the very edge of the universe.

and when you get there, eat the bowl of fuck that’s waiting for you.

if those previous two sentences seem familiar to you, that’s because — with the exception of substituting ABC for CBS — it’s how I opened my July 20, 2025 post, ‘CBS can pretty much fuck all the way off.’

and now, two months later, here we are all over again.

ABC announced on Wednesday evening that it was pulling Jimmy Kimmel’s late night show “indefinitely” after conservatives accused the longtime host of inaccurately describing the politics of the man who is accused of fatally shooting the right-wing activist Charlie Kirk.

unlike with CBS’s shitcanning of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, ABC and their parent company, Disney, aren’t even pretending to come up with some bullshit cover story about canceling the show for ‘financial reasons.’ no, they’re straight up admitting they just folded like a pack of cards.

“In the hours leading up to the decision to pull Jimmy Kimmel, two sources familiar with the matter say, senior executives at ABC, its owner Disney, and affiliates convened emergency meetings to figure out how to minimize the damage. Multiple execs felt that Kimmel had not actually said anything over the line, the two sources say, but the threat of Trump administration retaliation loomed.”

hey, do you know why ‘multiple execs felt that Kimmel had not actually said anything over the line’? because he fucking well didn’t cross any lines, that’s why.

here’s what Kimmel did say.

“we hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them, and doing everything they can to score political points from it. in between the finger-pointing, there was grieving. on Friday, the White House flew the flags at half staff which got some criticism but on a human level you can see how hard the president is taking this.”

Kimmel then plays the clip of Donny being asked how he’s ‘dealing with this loss of a friend,’ and blithering in response about his awesome new White House ballroom. Kimmel then concludes,

“yes, he’s at the fourth stage of grief: construction. demolition, construction. this is not how an adult grieves the murder of somebody he called a friend. this is how a four-year-old mourns a goldfish.”

just a late-night comedian, doing late-night comedian things. the horror.

let’s get real: Kimmel’s suspension has nothing to do with Charlie Kirk. that’s just a convenient pretext. the real reason is that the Mad King has had a grudge-shaped bug up his ass about Jimmy Kimmel Live since forever, because — just as with Colbert — Kimmel’s been using his show to mock Donny for years. the horror.

imagine being so thin-skinned and broken-inside that you can’t take a joke — that it ruins your entire day if someone mocks you. welcome to the fucked-up psyche of your average fascist. only Dear Leader gets to make jokes — at other peoples’ expense.

and now, with the entire media bending over backwards so as not to appear disrespectful of Charlie Kirk, what better time for Donny to settle a long-festering grievance?

“Frankly, when you see stuff like this — I mean, we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” FCC Chair Brendan Carr told the podcast’s host, Benny Johnson. “These companies can find ways to change conduct and take action, frankly, on Kimmel, or there’s going to be additional work for the F.C.C. ahead.”

‘the easy way or the hard way’? who talks like this? my god, every single one of Donny’s henchmen sounds like a cartoon mobster.

ABC and Disney just rolled right the fuck over and complied. it’s pure cowardice. here’s what I wrote two months ago about CBS and Paramount. again, you can swap in ABC and Disney.

CBS and Paramount are being cowards — and we don’t need any cowards right now. we’re all stocked up with cowards. we’ve got cowards up the yin-yang.

heroes, that’s what we’re in desperate need of.

no one ever went to bed with fascism and came up smelling like roses.

no one ever said gee, I’m so glad that faceless corporation collaborated with fascists.

fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how Paramount slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’

the people we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’

unlike Colbert, who’s being allowed to continue his show until his contract runs out in May 2026, Kimmel’s show has already been yanked off the air. when will it return? no one knows. what is ABC airing in its place? who fucking cares, that’s what.

maybe ABC can just rerun old episodes of The Apprentice in place of Jimmy Kimmel Live. no, wait — why don’t they cancel every show, and just air The Apprentice all day long? I’ll bet Dear Leader would love that.

I understand it’s a great show. possibly the greatest show of all time. a show like no one’s ever seen. I’m told that big, strong network programming executives, tears in their eyes, come up to Donny all the time and say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever had a catchphrase like “you’re fired” before. how do you do it? sir!’

hey, you know who still has his show? this sociopath.

Brian Fucking Kilmeade, who absolutely covered himself in glory last week when he opined that the ‘solution’ to the issue of homeless Americans is just to kill them all.

Kilmeade gets to stay on the air and vomit vile hatred to his heart’s content, while Jimmy Kimmel is cordially invited to go fuck himself.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s —
speaking truth to power, 0
calling for the slaughter of the powerless, 1

this is some bullshit.

let’s give the final word on this topic to former Obama advisor and current podcast host Dan Pfeiffer.

“The amount of cowardice being shown by the corporate media is galling If the press won’t fight for the First Amendment, who will?”

who, indeed?

when I told Ms. Spouse I was writing about Jimmy Kimmel today, she sighed and said, ‘can’t you write about Melania’s hat?’ — and the answer is yes. yes I can.

ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the spectacle of what Dear Leader’s Slovenian trophy wife wore to meet the King and Queen of England.

in case you can’t find her in this photo, she’s standing to the right of Camilla. what is she wearing? is she trying to scare Donny into thinking the Grim Reaper’s finally come for him?

and, once again, as Jesus sagely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

the British people — they’re so polite. so thoughtful. so caring and compassionate. amazing hosts.

Little Donny Fuckface is in England right now, spending the next two days at Windsor Castle — and the locals have spared no effort to make America’s Mad King feel not just welcomed, but loved.

the Brits know that Donny gets homesick every time he leaves his native land, so they’re making sure that no matter where Donny goes during his visit, he’ll always be reminded of his dead pedo bestie.

Ahead of the U.S. president’s arrival in London on Tuesday, Sept. 16, a British activist group unfurled a massive banner featuring an image of Trump with Jeffrey Epstein on the path leading to Windsor Castle, where the president and first lady Melania Trump will spend a significant portion of their visit.

isn’t that sweet? the British people wanted nothing more than for Donny to be able to look out the windows of Windsor Castle and go ‘there he is. we shared so many wonderful secrets together.’

as advertised, the fucking thing is ginormous.

and — oh look! — the activist group Led By Donkeys is projecting a ‘Donny and his dead pedo bestie’s greatest hits’ slide show onto the side of the Castle.

I sure hope Donny thanks them for their attention to this matter.

we definitely need to gif that shit, for posterity’s sake.

someone even put Epstein merch on display in the Windsor Castle gift shop.

thank you, England, for going the extra mile (kilometer?) and Making Dead Pedo Besties Great Again.

now, let’s go live inside Windsor Castle and get Melania’s reaction to all this Epsteinstalgia.

I hope getting to relive a few of his most treasured moments calmed Donny down a bit, because he sure was touchy while he was on his way to Fuckface Force One.

reporter: “should a president in office be engaged in so much business activity?”

Donny: “I’m really not. my kids are running the business. you know what the activity— where are you from?”

reporter: “I’m from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.”

Donny: “you’re hurting Australia right— in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now. and they want to get along with me. you know, your— your leader is coming over to see me very soon. I’m going to tell them about you. you set a very bad tone. quiet.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. listen to this whiny, petulant child. ‘in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now.’

yeah, we’ll, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

I’m sorry, but are we on the front lawn of the White House, or are we on a kindergarten playground? it’s really hard to tell, with President Diaperload bellyaching like a toddler who got his fee-fees hurt. ‘you said a bad thing. I’m going to tell on you, and then you’ll be sorry.’ how fucking mature.

you do that, Donny. I’m sure that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese gives a shit that one of ‘his’ reporters was very, very mean to you. let’s go live to Australia, right now, for the PM’s reaction.

oh wait, President Sorehead isn’t finished braying like a jackass.

reporter: “what do you think of Pam Bondi saying she’s going to go after hate speech? a lot of your allies say hate speech is free speech.”

Donny: “she’ll probably go after people like you, because you treat me so unfairly, it’s hate. you have a lot of hate in your heart. maybe they’ll come after ABC.”

welcome to the new normal, where both Dear Leader and Pam Bondi labor under the mistaken impression that being mean to conservatives is somehow against the law.

spoiler alert: no she fucking can’t.

who knows, maybe Pam Bondi and Jeanine Pirro are having a contest to see who can produce the most failed prosecutions — because no grand jury in the universe is going to approve an indictment against some dude who wouldn’t print a poster.

in fact, let’s go live right now, to one of those grand jurors, for his reaction.

Bondi and Donny are so high on their own supply right now — and that reporter Donny threatened is right. conservatives are not happy with Bondi.

Matt Walsh’s head is about to explode right now.

okay, all the dumbfuckery about ‘left wing terror cells’ is batshit insane, and very par for Matt’s course — but that first bit, about firing Pam Bondi for her prosecutorial overreach? man, it’s heartbreaking.

Donny hasn’t blown any Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water today (as far as we know), which is def a good thing — because even Republicans are starting to go dude, what the fuck?

The Trump administration is facing growing calls from former government officials — including some in Republican administrations — to offer a legal justification for President Donald Trump’s two missile strikes this month on boats allegedly piloted by members of a Venezuelan drug cartel.

Those experts say the use of such force outside of war blurs the legal distinction between law enforcement and military actions and comes amid calls on Capitol Hill to curtail Trump’s military powers.

here’s the beauty part. check out who gets quoted in this article.

“There has to be a line between crime and war,” said John Yoo, a former deputy assistant attorney general under President George W. Bush. “We can’t just consider anything that harms the country to be a matter for the military. Because that could potentially include every crime.”

John Fucking Yoo. there’s name you probably haven’t heard in years.

in case you don’t remember John Yoo, he was the author of the famous ‘torture memo’ that provided George W. Bush with a “legal” justification for all the evil shit that went on in places like Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

yeah, that guy. Mister Human Rights.

you know you’ve royally fucked up when the bro who told Bush that it was totes okay to repeatedly waterboard the shit out of innocent Afghani goat herders says that lobbing missiles at fishermen is a bridge too far.

oh my god, could the worst fucking people in the world please stop breaking my heart?

 

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tuesday Tiedrich

ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for a decree of the utmost importancefrom Donny J. Convict, President of the United States, King of the Americas, Ruler of Our Great Oceans and Plentipotentary for All of Planet Earth and the Stars Beyond.

‘The NFL has to get rid of that ridiculous looking new Kickoff Rule. How can they make such a big and sweeping change so easily and quickly. It’s at least as dangerous as the “normal” kickoff, and looks like hell. The ball is moving, and the players are not, the exact opposite of what football is all about. “Sissy” football is bad for America, and bad for the NFL! Who comes up with these ridiculous ideas? It’s like wanting to “roll back” the golf ball so it doesn’t go (nearly!) as far. Fortunately, college football will remain the same, hopefully forever!!’

folks, I regret to inform you that this is not one of Gavin Newsom’s awesome parody tweets. nope, this batshit post is one hundred percent from the deteriorating brain of Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants — who, apparently, knows more about sportsball than all the sportsballers.

imagine being such a small and petty grievance-baby that everything annoys you. windmills. low-flush toilets. not enough ugly golden filigree in the Oval Office. late-night TV hosts. laws against domestic violence. football.

you would imagine that the very job of being president of a large country would keep one too occupied with actual pressing matters to worry about some rule change in a sport. but I guess when you’ve delegated executive authority to Norferatu McGoebbels and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, it gives you all the time in the world to bellyache about inconsequential minutiae.

fortunately for the NFL, they don’t have to do shit about Donny’s whining, because he forgot to thank them for their attention to this matter — which means it’s not a legally-binding decree. it’s right there in Article II of the Constitution, in the Very Special Boy Clause that John Roberts scribbled in the margins, when no one was looking.

apparently it’s the same clause that allows Donny — without proof, or actual legal authority — to blow Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water, killing who the fuck even cares how many civilians, they’re Venezuelans.

I’m guessing that the extrajudicial killing of foreign civilians is addictive — kind of like a drug — because Donny done gone and blowed up a second Venezuelan fishing boat.

once again, Donny has decided that he gets to kill whoever he wants, because reasons. and notice what he does here: he unilaterally reclassifies drugs as ‘deadly weapons’ — presumably so he can justify using US military might against what could very well end up being another unarmed Venezuelan fishing boat. I wonder which one of Donny’s ace team of parking garage lawyers came up with that flimsy rationale.

and, once again, Donny offers no tangible proof that this ship was operated by a cartel — or was transporting drugs — beyond his say-so.

reporter: “what can you tell us about this Venezuelan boat that was taken out, and do you plan to provide proof that these were narco terrorists who were on the way to the US?”

Donny: “we have proof. all you have to do is look at the cargo that was— like, it’s spattered all over the ocean. big bags of cocaine and fentanyl all over the place.”

excuse me, big bags of what? here’s a screencap of the video Donny provided in his not-tweet. do you see any ‘big bags of cocaine and fentanyl all over the place’? I don’t. all I see is a boat on fire.

what the fuck is Donny blithering about?

wait a minute. Donny, are these bags of cocaine and fentanyl in the room with us right now? is that why we’re not seeing them in the video? are these ginormous drugbags saying ‘sir, sir! thank for blowing us all the fuck to hell! no one polices the waterways like you do, sir!’

so, Donny’s not going to offer us any proof, other than his say-so, and a blurry video. I guess when you’re King of the Americas and Ruler of All Our Great Oceans, they just let you.

here’s a fun fact about Venezuela and fentanyl.

Venezuela plays virtually no role in the fentanyl trade.

Fentanyl is almost entirely produced in Mexico with chemicals imported from China, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the Justice Department and the Congressional Research Service. Mexico is close to the U.S. market, and Mexican cartels already control many fentanyl smuggling routes.

fentanyl doesn’t come from Venezuela — and unlike Colombian cocaine, it’s not even routed through Venezuela.

so please, Donny, tells us again about the big bags of imaginary fentanyl in the water. I love a good fairy tale, don’t you? especially when the moral is fear for your life.

“we have noticed that there are no ships in the ocean any more. that there’s like, no ships, when the first one we went— hundreds of boats. now there are no boats. I wonder why. meaning, no drugs are coming across. probably stopping some fishermen too. to be honest about it, if I were a fisherman, I wouldn’t want to go fishing either. just a nice, let’s take a little trip, because [laughs] I’d say, ‘man, if they— maybe they think I have drugs downstairs. I don’t want that—’ I think the fishing business has probably been hurt. but there are literally no boats. this was a boat, and we were surprised to see it.”

Jesus H. Christ on a Venezuelan fishing boat, who the fuck talks like this? psychopaths, that’s who. check out how Donny laughs maniacally as he muses about how he’s scaring the shit out of terrified fisherman. this is all a big joke to him. ha ha!

hey fisherman — duck! oops, too late. looks like you blowed up real good. ha ha!

I don’t have to tell you just how fucking evil this is. we’re no longer just an international laughingstock. we’re now a lawless, sadistic pariah as well. lucky us.

also: ‘there are literally no boats’? fact check:

what is Donny talking about? each of those triangles is a ship, and — spoiler alert — they are in the room with us right now. there are hundreds of craft in the waters around Venezuela. once again, Donny is just making shit up, blithering idiotically, cackling like a cartoon villian, lying to the press — and every one of these worthless scribblers is bobbing their head and going ‘well, I guess so’ as Donny jokes about slaughtering fishermen.

this is probably a good time to remind every reporter that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,995th day.

by the way, did you notice how President Rottinghand keeps covering up his rotting hand?

oh, there we go. yeesh, that’s nasty. and it’s getting worse.

h, and speaking of covering up, there seems to be another large object in the waters south of our country.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

even though signs point to the shitbag who killed Charlie Kirk being a far-right ‘groyper’ with a rifle and a grudge, Republicans fanned out on the Sunday shows yesterday with the singular message of ‘Democrats, this is all your fault, because reasons.’

let us document the atrocities.

let’s start with the limpest dick in American politics, House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson. Holy Mike’s complaint is why do Democrats alla time have to be so mean?

“people have got to stop framing simple policy disagreements in terms of existential threats to our democracy. you can’t call the other side fascists and enemies of the state and not understand that there are some deranged people in our society who will take that as cues to act.”

the fucking nerve of this guy. Holy Mike is pissing on all of our heads right now, and going ‘mmm, doesn’t that refreshing rain feel great?’

tell us, Mike, what are these ‘simple policy disagreements’ that ‘our side’ is blowing all out of shape? is it ‘should the US military invade a state,’ is that a simple disagreement? how about ‘should states redraw their maps in order to rig elections’? oh, here’s one: ‘should a president get to declare that he “has the right to do anything he wants”’?

maybe it’s just me, but all those things sound absolutely like ‘existential threats to our democracy.’

spoiler alert: yes, these are indeed literal existential threats to democracy. Donny Convict believes he should have all the power, and should be above the law at all times. he wants to remain in office indefinitely. all of this is fundamentally anti-American. our founders would shit their breeches if they could see what has become of their ‘grand experiment.’

Holy Mike wants to downplay all that. c’mon, he says, it’s just two sides bickering. what’s with all the rhetoric?

hey, Mike — is this your guy?

help me here, is ‘should Liz Cheney face a firing squad’ a ‘simple policy disagreement’?

now Mike, what was that were you saying about how it’s unacceptable to call someone a fascist? I’m asking because ABC News has put together a supercut of the numerous times that Donny Convict has done exactly that.

in one of those clips, Donny calls Kamala Harris a “marxist communist fascist socialist.”

how does that even work? what are the tenets of marxocommunofascosocialism? I’d really love to know.

oh, you don’t want to be called ‘Nazi’? it hurts your fee-fees? then stop pulling shit like this:

let’s move on Donny’s personal lapdog, Lindsey Graham.

Old Linz is very sad right now, because things just aren’t like they used to be, back in them there good old days.

 

“this is viewed by many people in the MAGA movement, conservatives like myself, as an attack on the movement, and not just traditional political violence, and I really believe that.”

wait wait wait wait wait wait JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE HERE.

‘traditional political violence,’ what’s that? is there some Grand Old Tradition of Acceptable Political Violence, some halcyon time that Old Linz here would like to return to?

might it be the good old days when you’d use a flagpole to beat the shit out of a cop because you were mad about losing an election?

how about when neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville, and chanted ‘Jews will not replace us’? Dear Leader literally called these shitheads ‘very fine people.’

was this ‘traditional political violence’? or was it a ‘simple policy disagreement’ over ‘should Jews replace us, or what?’

politics can be so confusing!

here’s a fun chart, created by Alex Nowrasteh of the right-wing Cato Institute. blue is left-wing political violence, and red is right-wing political violence, categorized by each decade from 1975 to now.

I’m seeing a lot more red than blue.

(Alex explains his methodology in a long substack post here.)

I’d love for Lindsey Graham to tell us which decade had the most traditionalpolitical violence. I’m guessing it’s 1995–2004.

here are a lot of things that have never happened to Crown Prince of the Library Paste Eaters, Eric Trump — but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assert that the story we’re about to hear is the thing that has never happened to Eric Trump the most.

“as I was showing up to the studio, there was an older Jamaican man who came up to me in very broken English and said, ‘Mr Trump, I’m very sorry about Charlie Kirk. he was an amazing Christian. I am Charlie Kirk.’”

isn’t that cute? Eric is trying to tell a ‘sir’ story — and he’s so fucking bad at it.

so, this ‘older Jamaican man,’ his massive biceps rippling in the morning sun, tears of gratitude streaming down his age-lined face, came up to Eric Trump and spoke ‘very broken English’?

why would his English be broken? English is the official language of Jamaica.

come on, you know that if some Jamaican dude wandered up to Eric, the first thing Eric would do would be to shout ‘get away from me, I don’t have any money’ — and then tell his Secret Service detail to ‘get this guy outta here.’

lastly, let’s check in with the fuckwit who knows more about numbers than all the number-counter-thingy people.

reporter: “the president of Venezuela called the strike on the boat illegal. are you concerned that Maduro might escalate something?”

Donny: “what’s illegal are the drugs that were on the boat, and the drugs that are being sent into our country, and the fact that 300 million people died last year from drugs.”

dear lord. can somebody please get Donny a pudding cup and help him to bed? he’s sundowning again.

I have a question for President Math Whiz, and it goes like this: if the United States has a total population of 340 million people, and 300 million of them die from illegal drugs, leaving 40 million people, and then the price of prescription drugs is lowered by 1,500%, what is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,994th day.

despite their high-minded tut-tut harrumph-harrumph rhetoric, none of these Republican shitweasels actually wants healing, or an end to divisiveness. keeping us all at each other’s throats works in their favor. do you know what’s written on page one of the Oligarchs’ Playbook?

‘keep the people ignorant and fighting each other, and they won’t notice the plutocrats picking their pockets.’

but there is one thing that whole country can in fact unite over: release the full Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

it’s what Charlie Kirk would have wanted.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Monday

hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day. I’ll be back tomorrow with the usual full-length documentation of all the atrocities.

let’s listen as America’s self-appointed puppy perforator drags reality out back to the gravel pit and puts one right between its eyes.

Noem: “but we will continue to go after the worst of the worst across the country like President Trump has told us to do. we’re focusing on those that are perpetuating murder and rape and trafficking of drugs and humans across our country. every single citizen deserves to be safe.”

Ed O’Keefe: “part of what distinguished the Los Angeles operations, however, is that National Guard Troops were there, in essence, protecting or backing up those federal agents as they were conducting operations. is that what we should expect to see in Chicago?”

Noem: “I do know that LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action.”

oh, please, Kristi — fuck off. fact check:

thank you, Governor.

Everything Is Broken And Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ is a fever-swamp fairy tale straight out of the authoritarian’s playbook — and it’s just lies piled on top of lies.

ICE thugs hiding in the back of a rented van in a Home Depot parking lot and ambushing any random brown person who happens to wander by isn’t ‘going after the worst of the worst’ — it’s just straight-up racism, that’s all it is.

nannies, farm workers, cleaning ladies, firefighters and food truck operators don’t have side gigs doing murders and rapes, no matter how much ICE Barbie insists they do. and what’s all this horse shit about ‘LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action’ by sending in the Guard?

let’s saunter down memory lane, and review just what went on with the National Guard in Los Angeles — because the firehose of fuckery from these shitweasels is so unrelenting that it’s easy to forget what happened only three months ago.

one sunny morning in early June,

Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.

On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.

protesters then confronted ICE — and it cannot be over-stressed that the protests were confined to a microscopic section of LA (circled in red below):

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

none of it was necessary. it was just performative fascism.

and now we’re seeing this Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ clownfuckery being repeated in Washington DC, where Guard troops who were sent to deal with another imaginary crime wave are now raking leaves and hauling garbage.

in a few weeks, these Guard, too, will be sent home, after having their time, training — and taxpayer money — completely wasted.

as with Los Angeles, none of this is necessary. it’s just pure, performative police state fascism.

now, we’re about to see this pomp and stupidity play out a third time, in Chicago — because once again, Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™.

which brings us to one of our heroes in all this, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.

“no one in the administration — the president, or anybody under him — has called anyone in my administration, or me, and have not called the city of Chicago, or anyone else. so it’s clear that in secret, they’re planning this— well, it’s an invasion, with US troops, if they in fact do that. they other thing is, they ought to be coordinating with local law enforcement. they ought to let us know when they’re coming, where they’re coming, if it’s ICE, or it it’s ATF, whoever it is. but they don’t want to do that, either. and I must say, it’s disruptive, it’s dangerous, it tends to inflame passions on the ground, when they don’t let us know what their plans are, when we can’t coordinate with them.”

this, my friends, is the difference between representative government and fascism for fascism’s sake.

if Donny and his merry band of shithole goons were actually interested in mitigating all this supposed crime happening in Chicago, they’d be coordinating the fuck out of the whole operation. right now, there would be a hundred conference calls a day happening between Chicago and DC. ‘ok, let’s figure out where the crime is, and where to best deploy.’ every last detail would be worked out in advance.

but none of that shit is going on, because the Mad King could give a fuck about actually fighting crime. what he wants is a fascistic display of force. what he wants is dominance — because deep down inside, Donny is an emotionally-scarred little boy who never got over being told what a weak piece of shit he was by his tyrant Klansman father, and now he’s going to make the entire world suffer as a result.

it’s all so fucked up. this is what happens when you let the most broken-inside person ever to walk the face of the earth hold the reins of power.

Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™? yeah, right.

now let’s circle back to Little Ms Hair Extensions — because I’m so old, I remember when the woman who is now so hot for the National Guard to invade every state was actually against federalizing the Guard.

“If Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”

oh, I see. federalizing the Guard is bad when Joe Biden does it, but good when Dear Leader does it.

let me guess why Kristi feels this way: because reasons. did I guess right? what do I win?

now here’s a spoiler alert: Joe Biden never federalized the National Guard. he never even threatened to. what he did want was for Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, to remove the razor-wire booby traps he’d put in the Rio Grande.

Biden had a legit beef: what kind of fucked-up monster gleefully endangers lives? make no mistake — people actual died in those booby traps.

every Republican completely lost their shit over Joe’s objection to the human rights abuses going on at the border, and accused him of wanting to do the very thing that Dear Leader is actually doing right now — in ICE Barbie’s own words, a direct attack on states’ rights.

fucking hypocrites, every last one of them.

oh, and here’s the best reply to Noem’s tweet.

well, it’s 1,418 words and three hours since I sat down at the laptop and wrote ‘hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day.’

I really did try to crank out a quick one, but it look like I suck at short. have a great Labor Day, everyone. see you tomorrow.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Thursday

here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits who can’t even do a police state right.

Donny is, of course, an impulsive imbecile who acts first and thinks never. his underlings have all been selected for loyalty over brains. so it’s only natural that a lot of fuckery they’ve been trying to perpetrate — the military occupations of cities, the mass arrests — has been badly planned and poorly executed. and now, much of it is starting to blow up in their big dumb faces.

let’s all point and laugh at a few of their recent fuckups.

topmost: it turns out that Assault With a Deadly Sandwich isn’t really a thing.

Sean Dunn is the dude who got into a shouting match with one of Donny’s uniformed goons in DC. the whole scene culminated with Dunn hurling a sandwich at the goon and running away. the very next day, he was all ‘how about I turn myself in,’ and America’s Tipsiest Fake TV Judge — who is now inexplicably the US Attorney for DC — was all ‘nah, how about we send dozens of storm troopers to your apartment and roughly drag you away in handcuffs, while TV cameras record it all.’

because, as always, it’s all about pageantry. it’s all about creating a show.

the next thing DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney did was to slap Dunn with a felony charge and vow to make him break rocks in Sing Sing for the next gazillionty or so years. and then, to cap it off, she tarted herself up in Holstein cow cosplay and tweeted out a self-congratulatory video — because what’s even the point of doing a fascism if you can’t crow about it on Elon’s Nazi Bar?

“Assault a law enforcement officer, and you’ll be prosecuted. This guy thought it was funny—well, he doesn’t think it’s funny today, because we charged him with a felony.”

yeah, well guess what: it just got funny again.

Federal prosecutors on Tuesday were unable to persuade a grand jury to approve a felony indictment against a man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent on the streets of Washington this month, according to two people familiar with the matter.

too bad, so sad, Jeanine. enjoy some tiny violin.

et’s be real: throwing anything at a cop is literally asking to learn what being handcuffed feels like. but if what you hurled is soggy bread and cold cuts, it ain’t a felony — no matter how much Little Donny Fascistpants and Jeanine Boxwine want it to be.

here’s the thing, though: do you know how badly you have to screw up in order to have a grand jury be all ‘fuck off outta here, we ain’t indicting’?

the answer is very badly. a US attorney failing to secure an indictment is almost unheard of.

It is extremely unusual for prosecutors to come out of a grand jury without obtaining an indictment because they are in control of the information that grand jurors hear about a case and defendants are not allowed to have their lawyers in the room as evidence is presented.

US Attorney Boxwine did her whole dog-and-pony show in front of the grand jury, laid out all her evidence of how evil mastermind Sean Dunn crime-spreed his way through the streets of DC — and in the end, the grand jury was all ‘it was a fucking sandwich, Jeanine. get real.’

but that’s what happens when you hire henchmen based on how much they flatter you on Fox News. you end up with a dunk-tank clown who butt-dials classified war plans to a reporter. you end up with a reality show wash-out who can’t figure out why planes keep falling out of the sky. and you end up with a DC Attorney who literally can’t indict a ham sandwich.

(yes, I know. everyone’s making that joke today. sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

the Dunn embarrassment wasn’t even the first time this week that DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney failed to secure an indictment.

On Monday, for instance, prosecutors refiled a felony assault charge as a misdemeanor in the case of a woman who was accused of injuring an F.B.I. agent during a protest last month against immigration officials at the local jail in Washington.

The charges were reduced against the woman, Sidney Lori Reid, after prosecutors failed not just once but three times to obtain an indictment in the case.

three times. three separate grand juries told Jeanine to take a hike — because it was a shitty case based on flimsy evidence. this is what happens when you order your to thugs arrest first and ask questions never.

speaking of arrest-happy thugs, it turns out a bunch of ICE goons in Los Angeles got caught lying about the protesters they rounded up, and those cases got laughed out of court, too.

The officers’ testimony was cited in at least five cases filed by the US Department of Justice amid the unrest. The justice department has charged at least 26 people with “assaulting” and “impeding” federal officers and other crimes during the protests over immigration raids. Prosecutors, however, have since been forced to dismiss at least eight of those felonies, many of them which relied on officers’ inaccurate reports, court records show.

this is what happens when you lie about an imaginary crime wave, and then make as many bogus arrests as you can in order to ‘prove’ your point.

this is what happens when your marching orders are to round up everyone.

Judges are also losing patience with Donny’s own fascist tendencies. tell me, is at a bad thing when a judge who you personally appointed shitcans your lawsuit and calls it a ‘constitutional free-for-all’?

A federal judge on Tuesday threw out an aggressive, unusual lawsuit the Trump administration brought earlier this year against all 15 federal judges in Maryland, rejecting a bid by the Justice Department to limit court power in fast-moving immigration cases.

The opinion on Tuesday framed the lawsuit as a major constitutional standoff, with Judge Thomas Cullen writing the Justice Department couldn’t pursue a “constitutional free-for-all.”

a farcical lawsuit in which 15 judges are sued at once is classic Donny. he treats America’s legal system the same way his dead pedo bestie used to treat the ‘spa girls’ at Motel-a-Lago — as a thing to be abused for his pleasure, and then discarded.

was the judge happy about having his time wasted? no sir, he was most certainly not.

“Although some tension between the coordinate branches of government is a hallmark of our constitutional system, this concerted effort by the Executive to smear and impugn individual judges who rule against it is both unprecedented and unfortunate,” he added.

this is polite judge-speak for what are you trying to pull, you fascist dildo?

and, lastly, here’s a huge ball of what in the actual fuck.

this is a photo of National Guard troops spreading mulch around the Tidal Basin in Washington DC.

and here’s a pic of Guard troops hauling trash in a DC park.

but wait a minute, I hear you asking. I thought there was supposed to be a massive crime wave in DC. why aren’t these troops, y’know, chasing down bad guys?

yeah, well guess fucking what.

it turns out that when you send over two thousand troops to fight crime in a city where they’re no actual crime wave, you have to come up with something for them to do.

More than 2,200 troops, some from as far away as Mississippi and Louisiana, have been deployed in D.C. since Trump’s declaration of a “crime emergency” here. Ostensibly, they were mobilized to support federal law enforcement and local police, but in recent days those orders have expanded to encompass “beautification” tasks such as trash removal and groundskeeping around the National Mall and other federal property. Service members may work on removing graffiti, too.

what an excellent use of our military. what a cost-effective use of time and resources. it’s good to know that when the next hurricane devastates Louisiana, the residents there will be on their own — because the Guard troops who would normally be doing disaster relief work will be busy ‘beautifying’ the National Mall.

once again, this is what happens when you act first and think never.

it’s all so fucking stupid.

let’s not kid ourselves — Donny and his brigade of authoritarian fuckstains are indeed doing real harm to our nation, and to our democracy. but our one saving grace in all this might be the fact that they’re all incompetent imbeciles can’t who even do a simple fascism without fucking it up.