Category: Jeff Tiedrich’s Wit

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

even though signs point to the shitbag who killed Charlie Kirk being a far-right ‘groyper’ with a rifle and a grudge, Republicans fanned out on the Sunday shows yesterday with the singular message of ‘Democrats, this is all your fault, because reasons.’

let us document the atrocities.

let’s start with the limpest dick in American politics, House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson. Holy Mike’s complaint is why do Democrats alla time have to be so mean?

“people have got to stop framing simple policy disagreements in terms of existential threats to our democracy. you can’t call the other side fascists and enemies of the state and not understand that there are some deranged people in our society who will take that as cues to act.”

the fucking nerve of this guy. Holy Mike is pissing on all of our heads right now, and going ‘mmm, doesn’t that refreshing rain feel great?’

tell us, Mike, what are these ‘simple policy disagreements’ that ‘our side’ is blowing all out of shape? is it ‘should the US military invade a state,’ is that a simple disagreement? how about ‘should states redraw their maps in order to rig elections’? oh, here’s one: ‘should a president get to declare that he “has the right to do anything he wants”’?

maybe it’s just me, but all those things sound absolutely like ‘existential threats to our democracy.’

spoiler alert: yes, these are indeed literal existential threats to democracy. Donny Convict believes he should have all the power, and should be above the law at all times. he wants to remain in office indefinitely. all of this is fundamentally anti-American. our founders would shit their breeches if they could see what has become of their ‘grand experiment.’

Holy Mike wants to downplay all that. c’mon, he says, it’s just two sides bickering. what’s with all the rhetoric?

hey, Mike — is this your guy?

help me here, is ‘should Liz Cheney face a firing squad’ a ‘simple policy disagreement’?

now Mike, what was that were you saying about how it’s unacceptable to call someone a fascist? I’m asking because ABC News has put together a supercut of the numerous times that Donny Convict has done exactly that.

in one of those clips, Donny calls Kamala Harris a “marxist communist fascist socialist.”

how does that even work? what are the tenets of marxocommunofascosocialism? I’d really love to know.

oh, you don’t want to be called ‘Nazi’? it hurts your fee-fees? then stop pulling shit like this:

let’s move on Donny’s personal lapdog, Lindsey Graham.

Old Linz is very sad right now, because things just aren’t like they used to be, back in them there good old days.

 

“this is viewed by many people in the MAGA movement, conservatives like myself, as an attack on the movement, and not just traditional political violence, and I really believe that.”

wait wait wait wait wait wait JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE HERE.

‘traditional political violence,’ what’s that? is there some Grand Old Tradition of Acceptable Political Violence, some halcyon time that Old Linz here would like to return to?

might it be the good old days when you’d use a flagpole to beat the shit out of a cop because you were mad about losing an election?

how about when neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville, and chanted ‘Jews will not replace us’? Dear Leader literally called these shitheads ‘very fine people.’

was this ‘traditional political violence’? or was it a ‘simple policy disagreement’ over ‘should Jews replace us, or what?’

politics can be so confusing!

here’s a fun chart, created by Alex Nowrasteh of the right-wing Cato Institute. blue is left-wing political violence, and red is right-wing political violence, categorized by each decade from 1975 to now.

I’m seeing a lot more red than blue.

(Alex explains his methodology in a long substack post here.)

I’d love for Lindsey Graham to tell us which decade had the most traditionalpolitical violence. I’m guessing it’s 1995–2004.

here are a lot of things that have never happened to Crown Prince of the Library Paste Eaters, Eric Trump — but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assert that the story we’re about to hear is the thing that has never happened to Eric Trump the most.

“as I was showing up to the studio, there was an older Jamaican man who came up to me in very broken English and said, ‘Mr Trump, I’m very sorry about Charlie Kirk. he was an amazing Christian. I am Charlie Kirk.’”

isn’t that cute? Eric is trying to tell a ‘sir’ story — and he’s so fucking bad at it.

so, this ‘older Jamaican man,’ his massive biceps rippling in the morning sun, tears of gratitude streaming down his age-lined face, came up to Eric Trump and spoke ‘very broken English’?

why would his English be broken? English is the official language of Jamaica.

come on, you know that if some Jamaican dude wandered up to Eric, the first thing Eric would do would be to shout ‘get away from me, I don’t have any money’ — and then tell his Secret Service detail to ‘get this guy outta here.’

lastly, let’s check in with the fuckwit who knows more about numbers than all the number-counter-thingy people.

reporter: “the president of Venezuela called the strike on the boat illegal. are you concerned that Maduro might escalate something?”

Donny: “what’s illegal are the drugs that were on the boat, and the drugs that are being sent into our country, and the fact that 300 million people died last year from drugs.”

dear lord. can somebody please get Donny a pudding cup and help him to bed? he’s sundowning again.

I have a question for President Math Whiz, and it goes like this: if the United States has a total population of 340 million people, and 300 million of them die from illegal drugs, leaving 40 million people, and then the price of prescription drugs is lowered by 1,500%, what is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,994th day.

despite their high-minded tut-tut harrumph-harrumph rhetoric, none of these Republican shitweasels actually wants healing, or an end to divisiveness. keeping us all at each other’s throats works in their favor. do you know what’s written on page one of the Oligarchs’ Playbook?

‘keep the people ignorant and fighting each other, and they won’t notice the plutocrats picking their pockets.’

but there is one thing that whole country can in fact unite over: release the full Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

it’s what Charlie Kirk would have wanted.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Tiedrich Monday

hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day. I’ll be back tomorrow with the usual full-length documentation of all the atrocities.

let’s listen as America’s self-appointed puppy perforator drags reality out back to the gravel pit and puts one right between its eyes.

Noem: “but we will continue to go after the worst of the worst across the country like President Trump has told us to do. we’re focusing on those that are perpetuating murder and rape and trafficking of drugs and humans across our country. every single citizen deserves to be safe.”

Ed O’Keefe: “part of what distinguished the Los Angeles operations, however, is that National Guard Troops were there, in essence, protecting or backing up those federal agents as they were conducting operations. is that what we should expect to see in Chicago?”

Noem: “I do know that LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action.”

oh, please, Kristi — fuck off. fact check:

thank you, Governor.

Everything Is Broken And Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ is a fever-swamp fairy tale straight out of the authoritarian’s playbook — and it’s just lies piled on top of lies.

ICE thugs hiding in the back of a rented van in a Home Depot parking lot and ambushing any random brown person who happens to wander by isn’t ‘going after the worst of the worst’ — it’s just straight-up racism, that’s all it is.

nannies, farm workers, cleaning ladies, firefighters and food truck operators don’t have side gigs doing murders and rapes, no matter how much ICE Barbie insists they do. and what’s all this horse shit about ‘LA wouldn’t be standing if today if President Trump hadn’t taken action’ by sending in the Guard?

let’s saunter down memory lane, and review just what went on with the National Guard in Los Angeles — because the firehose of fuckery from these shitweasels is so unrelenting that it’s easy to forget what happened only three months ago.

one sunny morning in early June,

Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.

On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.

protesters then confronted ICE — and it cannot be over-stressed that the protests were confined to a microscopic section of LA (circled in red below):

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

most Los Angeles residents had no idea that the protests were even happening, but America’s Mad King, as is his fucked-up wont, completely lost his shit, and overreacted. he told the country that the entire city was on fire, and Only Dear Leader Can Fix It.™ he sent two thousand National Guard troops to put down this imaginary insurrection — a thing he did without any forethought or planning, resulting in the Guard having to sleep on a warehouse floor.

none of it was necessary. it was just performative fascism.

and now we’re seeing this Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™ clownfuckery being repeated in Washington DC, where Guard troops who were sent to deal with another imaginary crime wave are now raking leaves and hauling garbage.

in a few weeks, these Guard, too, will be sent home, after having their time, training — and taxpayer money — completely wasted.

as with Los Angeles, none of this is necessary. it’s just pure, performative police state fascism.

now, we’re about to see this pomp and stupidity play out a third time, in Chicago — because once again, Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™.

which brings us to one of our heroes in all this, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.

“no one in the administration — the president, or anybody under him — has called anyone in my administration, or me, and have not called the city of Chicago, or anyone else. so it’s clear that in secret, they’re planning this— well, it’s an invasion, with US troops, if they in fact do that. they other thing is, they ought to be coordinating with local law enforcement. they ought to let us know when they’re coming, where they’re coming, if it’s ICE, or it it’s ATF, whoever it is. but they don’t want to do that, either. and I must say, it’s disruptive, it’s dangerous, it tends to inflame passions on the ground, when they don’t let us know what their plans are, when we can’t coordinate with them.”

this, my friends, is the difference between representative government and fascism for fascism’s sake.

if Donny and his merry band of shithole goons were actually interested in mitigating all this supposed crime happening in Chicago, they’d be coordinating the fuck out of the whole operation. right now, there would be a hundred conference calls a day happening between Chicago and DC. ‘ok, let’s figure out where the crime is, and where to best deploy.’ every last detail would be worked out in advance.

but none of that shit is going on, because the Mad King could give a fuck about actually fighting crime. what he wants is a fascistic display of force. what he wants is dominance — because deep down inside, Donny is an emotionally-scarred little boy who never got over being told what a weak piece of shit he was by his tyrant Klansman father, and now he’s going to make the entire world suffer as a result.

it’s all so fucked up. this is what happens when you let the most broken-inside person ever to walk the face of the earth hold the reins of power.

Only Dear Leader Can Fix It™? yeah, right.

now let’s circle back to Little Ms Hair Extensions — because I’m so old, I remember when the woman who is now so hot for the National Guard to invade every state was actually against federalizing the Guard.

“If Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”

oh, I see. federalizing the Guard is bad when Joe Biden does it, but good when Dear Leader does it.

let me guess why Kristi feels this way: because reasons. did I guess right? what do I win?

now here’s a spoiler alert: Joe Biden never federalized the National Guard. he never even threatened to. what he did want was for Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, to remove the razor-wire booby traps he’d put in the Rio Grande.

Biden had a legit beef: what kind of fucked-up monster gleefully endangers lives? make no mistake — people actual died in those booby traps.

every Republican completely lost their shit over Joe’s objection to the human rights abuses going on at the border, and accused him of wanting to do the very thing that Dear Leader is actually doing right now — in ICE Barbie’s own words, a direct attack on states’ rights.

fucking hypocrites, every last one of them.

oh, and here’s the best reply to Noem’s tweet.

well, it’s 1,418 words and three hours since I sat down at the laptop and wrote ‘hey folks — here’s a short one for Labor Day.’

I really did try to crank out a quick one, but it look like I suck at short. have a great Labor Day, everyone. see you tomorrow.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Thursday

here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits who can’t even do a police state right.

Donny is, of course, an impulsive imbecile who acts first and thinks never. his underlings have all been selected for loyalty over brains. so it’s only natural that a lot of fuckery they’ve been trying to perpetrate — the military occupations of cities, the mass arrests — has been badly planned and poorly executed. and now, much of it is starting to blow up in their big dumb faces.

let’s all point and laugh at a few of their recent fuckups.

topmost: it turns out that Assault With a Deadly Sandwich isn’t really a thing.

Sean Dunn is the dude who got into a shouting match with one of Donny’s uniformed goons in DC. the whole scene culminated with Dunn hurling a sandwich at the goon and running away. the very next day, he was all ‘how about I turn myself in,’ and America’s Tipsiest Fake TV Judge — who is now inexplicably the US Attorney for DC — was all ‘nah, how about we send dozens of storm troopers to your apartment and roughly drag you away in handcuffs, while TV cameras record it all.’

because, as always, it’s all about pageantry. it’s all about creating a show.

the next thing DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney did was to slap Dunn with a felony charge and vow to make him break rocks in Sing Sing for the next gazillionty or so years. and then, to cap it off, she tarted herself up in Holstein cow cosplay and tweeted out a self-congratulatory video — because what’s even the point of doing a fascism if you can’t crow about it on Elon’s Nazi Bar?

“Assault a law enforcement officer, and you’ll be prosecuted. This guy thought it was funny—well, he doesn’t think it’s funny today, because we charged him with a felony.”

yeah, well guess what: it just got funny again.

Federal prosecutors on Tuesday were unable to persuade a grand jury to approve a felony indictment against a man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent on the streets of Washington this month, according to two people familiar with the matter.

too bad, so sad, Jeanine. enjoy some tiny violin.

et’s be real: throwing anything at a cop is literally asking to learn what being handcuffed feels like. but if what you hurled is soggy bread and cold cuts, it ain’t a felony — no matter how much Little Donny Fascistpants and Jeanine Boxwine want it to be.

here’s the thing, though: do you know how badly you have to screw up in order to have a grand jury be all ‘fuck off outta here, we ain’t indicting’?

the answer is very badly. a US attorney failing to secure an indictment is almost unheard of.

It is extremely unusual for prosecutors to come out of a grand jury without obtaining an indictment because they are in control of the information that grand jurors hear about a case and defendants are not allowed to have their lawyers in the room as evidence is presented.

US Attorney Boxwine did her whole dog-and-pony show in front of the grand jury, laid out all her evidence of how evil mastermind Sean Dunn crime-spreed his way through the streets of DC — and in the end, the grand jury was all ‘it was a fucking sandwich, Jeanine. get real.’

but that’s what happens when you hire henchmen based on how much they flatter you on Fox News. you end up with a dunk-tank clown who butt-dials classified war plans to a reporter. you end up with a reality show wash-out who can’t figure out why planes keep falling out of the sky. and you end up with a DC Attorney who literally can’t indict a ham sandwich.

(yes, I know. everyone’s making that joke today. sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

the Dunn embarrassment wasn’t even the first time this week that DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney failed to secure an indictment.

On Monday, for instance, prosecutors refiled a felony assault charge as a misdemeanor in the case of a woman who was accused of injuring an F.B.I. agent during a protest last month against immigration officials at the local jail in Washington.

The charges were reduced against the woman, Sidney Lori Reid, after prosecutors failed not just once but three times to obtain an indictment in the case.

three times. three separate grand juries told Jeanine to take a hike — because it was a shitty case based on flimsy evidence. this is what happens when you order your to thugs arrest first and ask questions never.

speaking of arrest-happy thugs, it turns out a bunch of ICE goons in Los Angeles got caught lying about the protesters they rounded up, and those cases got laughed out of court, too.

The officers’ testimony was cited in at least five cases filed by the US Department of Justice amid the unrest. The justice department has charged at least 26 people with “assaulting” and “impeding” federal officers and other crimes during the protests over immigration raids. Prosecutors, however, have since been forced to dismiss at least eight of those felonies, many of them which relied on officers’ inaccurate reports, court records show.

this is what happens when you lie about an imaginary crime wave, and then make as many bogus arrests as you can in order to ‘prove’ your point.

this is what happens when your marching orders are to round up everyone.

Judges are also losing patience with Donny’s own fascist tendencies. tell me, is at a bad thing when a judge who you personally appointed shitcans your lawsuit and calls it a ‘constitutional free-for-all’?

A federal judge on Tuesday threw out an aggressive, unusual lawsuit the Trump administration brought earlier this year against all 15 federal judges in Maryland, rejecting a bid by the Justice Department to limit court power in fast-moving immigration cases.

The opinion on Tuesday framed the lawsuit as a major constitutional standoff, with Judge Thomas Cullen writing the Justice Department couldn’t pursue a “constitutional free-for-all.”

a farcical lawsuit in which 15 judges are sued at once is classic Donny. he treats America’s legal system the same way his dead pedo bestie used to treat the ‘spa girls’ at Motel-a-Lago — as a thing to be abused for his pleasure, and then discarded.

was the judge happy about having his time wasted? no sir, he was most certainly not.

“Although some tension between the coordinate branches of government is a hallmark of our constitutional system, this concerted effort by the Executive to smear and impugn individual judges who rule against it is both unprecedented and unfortunate,” he added.

this is polite judge-speak for what are you trying to pull, you fascist dildo?

and, lastly, here’s a huge ball of what in the actual fuck.

this is a photo of National Guard troops spreading mulch around the Tidal Basin in Washington DC.

and here’s a pic of Guard troops hauling trash in a DC park.

but wait a minute, I hear you asking. I thought there was supposed to be a massive crime wave in DC. why aren’t these troops, y’know, chasing down bad guys?

yeah, well guess fucking what.

it turns out that when you send over two thousand troops to fight crime in a city where they’re no actual crime wave, you have to come up with something for them to do.

More than 2,200 troops, some from as far away as Mississippi and Louisiana, have been deployed in D.C. since Trump’s declaration of a “crime emergency” here. Ostensibly, they were mobilized to support federal law enforcement and local police, but in recent days those orders have expanded to encompass “beautification” tasks such as trash removal and groundskeeping around the National Mall and other federal property. Service members may work on removing graffiti, too.

what an excellent use of our military. what a cost-effective use of time and resources. it’s good to know that when the next hurricane devastates Louisiana, the residents there will be on their own — because the Guard troops who would normally be doing disaster relief work will be busy ‘beautifying’ the National Mall.

once again, this is what happens when you act first and think never.

it’s all so fucking stupid.

let’s not kid ourselves — Donny and his brigade of authoritarian fuckstains are indeed doing real harm to our nation, and to our democracy. but our one saving grace in all this might be the fact that they’re all incompetent imbeciles can’t who even do a simple fascism without fucking it up.

Posted on

Monday Tiedrich

Sorry I’m late today. I’ve been in a mood.

gather ’round, kiddies. Uncle Couchfuck is going to read to us again from the Big Book of Things That Never Happened the Most.

“this is how wars ultimately get settled. if you go back to World War 2, if you go back to every major conflict in human history, they all end with some kind of negotiation.”

hang on, what kind of fever-swamp revisionist fairy-tale bullshit is this? Word War Two ended because of negotiation?

fact check: fuck all the way off.

oh, come on. this such a stupid and easily-batted-down lie. World War Two ended with the unconditional surrenders of Germany, Italy and Japan.

but oh no no no, insists Couchfuck. World War Two was negotiated.

that Harry S. Truman, he must have been one fuck of a negotiator, to get Hitler to agree to put a bullet in his own head — and wouldn’t you have loved to have sat in on the phone call where Truman bargained Mussolini down to being a urine-soaked corpse hung upside down in the street?

Benito, have I got a deal for you.

look, JD Vance is highly educated. he graduated from Yale with a law degree. he knows how World War Two ended — so why on earth would he spew such laughable twaddle? does he think we’re that stupid? spoiler alert: yes, JD Vance thinks we’re that stupid. he also knows that MAGA is that stupid, and will believe anything he tells them. fair point, JD. we’ll give you that one.

but mostly, JD Vance is performing for that Audience of One who’s in the White House, glued to the TV while jamming burger after burger into his gluttonous face.

Donny — a preening, broken-inside bottomless pit of need — is watching, so JD has to flatter the shit out of him. he can’t just simply mumble something semi-reasonable about how Dear Leader’s going to deal his way out of thiswar — he has to twist the bullshit dial all the way to 11, and pretend that all wars that have ever been fought have been ended via negotiation.

so, Donny’s going to negotiate an end to Russia’s war of aggression against Ukraine?

fat fucking chance.

I guarantee that when Donny imagines himself as The Great Negotiator, this is what he sees: Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element, entering with guns blazing and then asking ‘anyone else want to negotiate?’

yeah, no, Donny. we’ve seen you operate. we know who you really are, when it comes to negotiations.

the fact is that Donny is shit at negotiating. Donnie Dealmaker is a character he played on a game show. it’s complete farce.

here’s a fun story that Jane Mayer wrote for The New Yorker, during Donny’s first reign.

in the 1980s, when Donny was looking for someone to ghostwrite The Art of the Deal, he asked journalist Tony Schwartz to do it. Schwartz absolutely did not fucking want any part of it.

He knew that if he took Trump’s money and adopted Trump’s voice, his journalism career would be badly damaged. His heroes were such literary nonfiction writers as Tom Wolfe, John McPhee, and David Halberstam. Being a ghostwriter was hackwork.

so here’s what Schwartz did: he asked for a ginormous amount of money, figuring no one would be fuckwit enough to agree to it, and that Donny would then go find someone else to ghostwrite the book. problem solved, right? wrong.

He told Trump that if he would give him half the advance and half the book’s royalties he’d take the job.

Such terms are unusually generous for a ghostwriter. Trump, despite having a reputation as a tough negotiator, agreed on the spot. “It was a huge windfall,” Schwartz recalls.

Donny got played — and it took all of ten seconds.

you know what percentage of royalties a ghostwriter usually receives? it’s zero. nothing. zip. nada. ghostwriters are generally paid a flat fee. but Tony Schwartz asked Donny for half — and The Great Dealmaker agreed to it, without even ten seconds of negotiating.

oh, and spoiler alert: ghostwriting The Art of the Deal turned out to be a nightmare.

But the discussion was soon hobbled by what Schwartz regards as one of Trump’s most essential characteristics: “He has no attention span.”

For the book, Trump needed to provide him with sustained, thoughtful recollections. He asked Trump to describe his childhood in detail. After sitting for only a few minutes in his suit and tie, Trump became impatient and irritable. He looked fidgety, Schwartz recalls, “like a kindergartner who can’t sit still in a classroom.” Even when Schwartz pressed him, Trump seemed to remember almost nothing of his youth, and made it clear that he was bored. Far more quickly than Schwartz had expected, Trump ended the meeting.

bored, irritable, with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. all the shit that makes Donny impossible to deal with was already in place in the 1980s — and now you can throw advanced dementia into the mix.

this is the low-wattage stumblefuck who’s going to negotiate an end to the war in Ukraine? oh please. stop insulting our intelligence, JD.

oh wait, it seems Couchfuck isn’t finished thoroughly debasing himself. was there something more you wanted to get off your chest, my dude?

“what I admire about the president is he’s not trying to focus on every nitpicky detail of how this thing started three and a half year ago, he’s trying to focus on the nitpicky details of now.”

sigh.

RUSSIA STARTED AN UNPROVOKED WAR — but sure, let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who. it’s all too nitpicky.

hang on, here’s another Republican elbowing his way to the front of the self-humiliation line.

Margaret Brennan: “the president wants to buy a ten percent stake in Intel. that company says that now, basically, is going to have US taxpayers, as a shareholder, own ten percent. as a conservative, do you think the government should have ownership stakes in private companies?”

New York Rep Mike Lawler: “generally speaking, no … I think what the president is seemingly trying to do is get a return on these tens of billions of dollars that are being invested by US taxpayers into companies like Intel.”

seriously, Mike?

fact check: when the government owns the means of production, that’s literally a little thing we like to call State Socialism.

State socialism is a political and economic ideology within the socialist movement that advocates state ownership of the means of production.

which is a thing that Mike Lawler is definitely against, when he’s not for it.

“Zohran Mamdani’s push for government-owned grocery stores is straight out of the Marxist playbook, and history shows exactly how this experiment ends. New Yorkers deserve solutions, not socialist fantasies that have failed spectacularly every time they’ve been tried.”

so, socialism baaaaaaad, when Democrats suggest doing it, but goooood when Donny actually does it — and, when asked to square this doublethink, Lawler spews incomprehensible gibberish. basically, Dear Leader gets to do whatever he gets it in his deteriorating mind to do, because reasons.

this is our current nightmarish reality. America’s Mad King does something completely antithetical to decades of strict Republican dogma, and then we get to watch as an entire political party ties itself into knots trying to pretend that oh, absolutely, we’ve always been at war with Oceana.

if Donny farted out an executive order this very afternoon decreeing that everyone had to wear their underwear on their head, Republicans would be all over the Sunday shows with — you guessed it — underwear on their heads.

what a fucking time to be alive. lucky us.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Sunday

it seems that America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector has grown tired of stalking Congress’ ladies rooms, waiting for women she deems insufficiently-feminine-looking to enter them, so she can point and scream and call attention to her own needy self.

Nancy Mace is looking for a new gig. she wants to pull that ‘show me your genitals’ shit in the bathrooms of South Carolina’s Executive Mansion — so she’s now running to be that state’s governor.

how Mace’s quest going? oh, just fucking swimmingly.

U.S. Rep. Nancy Mace (R-01) had advertised she would deliver a speech to more than 100 people in Myrtle Beach. Instead, eight people showed up. She canceled the speech and answered questions from reporters.

Mace was expected to deliver remarks focused on “protecting parental rights and advancing freedom in education” at the Moms for Liberty — Horry County Chapter meeting at Forward Church on Thursday, Aug. 21.

But when she walked into the room, and more chairs were empty than occupied. Plans seemingly changed.

holy shit, Nancy Mace — the Poster Girl for Transphobia — couldn’t get more than eight people to show up at a Moms for Liberty event?

you remember the Liberty Moms. they were hot shit a couple of years ago. these transphobic busybodies became the darlings of the right when they assigned themselves the job of policing America’s school libraries, making sure that little Sally and Jimmy didn’t get exposed to any subversive ideas — like, y’know, gay people should have basic human rights.

things started to go south for the Moms when they put an actual Hitler quote into the header of their newsletter.

decent people everywhere rightfully shit a brick over that — but instead of going ‘yeah, that’s crazy. what where we thinking?’, the Moms were genuinely mystified about all the fuss. what, so now it’s wrong to quote Hitler?

hings went further south when the Liberty Moms co-founder started showing up in an endless series of homemade sex tapes.

A second video has been recovered by police showing Bridget Ziegler, a cofounder of the conservative Moms for Liberty, engaging in sexual relations with a woman, sources said. It is not known if the woman in the video is the same woman who has alleged she was sexually assaulted by Christian Ziegler. Neither Christian nor Bridget Ziegler have responded to requests for comment from the Trident.

what a charming bunch of madcaps.

as I wrote at the time,

Brig apparently has an active and varied sex life — and hey, more power to her for that. no one should be shamed for what they do behind closed doors.

but the utter hypocrisy is off the charts — because that’s the fucking point here.

this busybody has made it her life’s work to tell other people how to live — to police other people’s bedrooms, and to publicly shame anyone who doesn’t conform to her cramped, hateful worldview.

when it comes to publicly shaming anyone who doesn’t conform to a cramped, hateful worldview, you would think that the Moms for Liberty and Nancy Mace would be a perfect fit. one wants to police what’s going in your kid’s book-bag, and the other wants to police what’s going on in your kid’s underwear.

but Nancy Mace couldn’t get more than eight of these hatemongers to show up — which doesn’t bode well for Nance’s gubernatorial aspirations.

it’s a thing we see play out all the time: the hubris of a clown who gets reelected over and over in their heavily-gerrymandered district thinking that it translates to state-wide popularity.

here’s Nancy Mace’s district, SC-1.

it’s a piece of cake to get elected as a Republican when your district has been so carefully engineered to marginalize Democratic voters that it now looks like a month-old fetus.

it’s entirely another story to convince voters across an entire state to vote for you — especially when you’re a performative-nonsense ninny more interested in making headlines than good policy.

here’s the South Carolina Governor’s Mansion.

there are 32 bathrooms in that sucker — and all of them are going to go un-monitored if Nancy Mace can’t even get nine transphobic extremists to show up for a campaign event.

by the way, when I tried to look up Nancy Mace’s district at Congress.govwhile writing this post, this is what I got:

acting-adjacent Hollywood found object Dean Cain recently switched professions.

he’s no longer a bitter never-was, spending his time complaining about not being able to get cast in roles. he’s now an official member of Kristi Noem’s deportation gestapo.

but don’t worry. Dean’s putting his almost-acting talent to good use. he’s the star of a new ICE training video — and it’s such a huge ball of holy shit that it has to be seen to be believed.

what the fuck did we just watch?

it’s basically an out-of-breath ball of pudge struggling to master a laughably-simple little obstacle course — and you’ve got to love the moment when Dean’s left leg gets stuck as he tries to vault that barrier.

let’s gif that shit and slow it way the fuck down.

your first thought has to be ‘is this a fucking joke?’ — did some out-of-shape goofball pretending to be Dean Cain make a parody video and put it online?

nope, it’s one hundred percent real. ICE even posted it up on Elon’s Nazi bar.

if that’s really the actual training that ICE is inflicting on all the psychos who are signing up because they’re so super fucking horny to tackle day laborers in a Home Depot parking lot, then I have the same question as this dude on Threads: how did these guys make it through the pipe?

did these two homeys join ICE because they were hoping someone would thow sandwiches at them?

but let’s talk about the production values of the Dean Cain training video — because there aren’t any. it looks like they spent about five dollars on it. what in the clownish name of Storm Trooper Jesus is this?

it’s great to know that if Dean Cain runs into any mannequins that have overstayed their visas, he’ll be prepared to fuck their shit seven ways from breakfast.

it’s all so pathetically amateurish.

I guess this is what happens when 99% of ICE’s budget goes to Kristi Noem’s hair, makeup and cosplay costuming.

the Dean Cain training film is barely one step up from those self-produced youtube videos where some Meal Team Six nitwit goes out in the middle of the woods — ostensibly to show off their marksmanship skills — and ends up hobbling around and screaming ‘I just fucking shot myself.’

have a great Sunday, everyone. no matter what you’re getting up to today, you’re probably having a better time than Nancy Mace and Dean Cain.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

This Week In Stupid

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: tik me no toks

apparently, Donny Convict’s handlers got the bright idea to start up a tiktok account for Dear Leader — because these days, all the cool fascists musthave one.

here’s Donny’s first post. there’s no actual need to watch it. it’s twenty-seven seconds of who the fuck even cares.

instead, let’s take a look at what happened next: people started commenting.

and they commented some more.

they kept right on commenting — and all anyone wanted to talk about was Donny’s close, personal relationship with his dead pedo bestie.

as of right now, there are over 49,000 comments under that video. I’m guessing that about 48,945 of them are about you-know-what.

hey Donny, how’s your cover-up going? not well, I’d say.

uesday: I see dead voters

New Jersey congressman Jeff Van Drew has a wee bit of an ectoplasm problem.

“people who were passed away, these are real people. I spoke to large numbers of them.”

dude, I’m contractually obligated to ask: are these ‘large numbers of people whom you’ve spoken to who have passed away’ in the room with is right now? I’m guessing they are, and you’re the only one who can see them.

now, normally I’d be advising Rep. Van Drew to be dialing 1-800-GHOSTBUSTERS.

but I’m hearing that Kristi Noem’s conscripted them into ICE to help deport undocumented demons back to Carpathia.

 

wednesday: verily, I whine unto you

MAGA preacher Hank Kunneman has a bone to pick with his evidently unfaithful flock. he seems to have mortgaged himself up to his eyeballs on the expectation he’d be able to fleece his way out of it — and it ain’t happening.

“I’m not saying this to be mad. I’m saying this because I feel like I’m going to go to my advocate Jesus. I have $400,000 to pay — and the only reason I took a line of credit is that I could have this, and we wouldn’t have to wait, potentially— can you imagine still being in there, and this sanctuary done, and we don’t have the money to pay for the AV, so now we’ve got to sit there for a year, because that’s how long it would have taken. and I said, well, can I get a line of credit? I didn’t know what else to do. ‘shouldn’t have borrowed’? oh, well tell that to the prophet who said to the widow, go get some vessels, go get some vases, and borrow not a few.”

come on, widows, do a bro a solid. why the fuck aren’t you out there, rounding up those vessels, right now?

seriously, what’s the point of even being an evangelist if you can’t depend on the rubes to finance your obscenely opulent lifestyle?

oh, and that thing about the widows and the vessels? that’s from 2 Kings 4, where the Big Guy in the Sky commits a miracle in order to help a widow deal with her own debts. it’s not about underwriting the greed of some numb-nuts preacher who’s shit at grifting.

pray harder, bro.

thursday: no, it’s pull yourself up by your own bootstraps

here comes Sean Duffy, the reality-show-has-been who grew up to become Donny’s Secretary Of Planes Falling Out Of The Sky, to demonstrate that there’s physical fitness, and then there’s whatever the fuck this is.

 

Sean, are you fucking kidding me? on what planet is that considered a legit pull-up? the Fox News flunkie who’s helping you is expending more energy that you are.

we absolutely need to gif this shit for posterity’s sake.

also, I have it on good authority from Rick Santorum that two men working out like this leads to people marrying their dogs.

slippery slope, my dudes. just saying.

friday: a day in the life

on Friday, some fucking idiot meandered into the Oval Office. befuddled and disheveled, the fucking idiot wore a stupid hat and an even stupider expression.

he fucking idiot’s right hand was, as usual, all fucked to shit from god-knows-what procedure — because as usual, the fucking idiot’s health is a huge State Secret.

the fucking idiot proudly showed off a photo of the despot bestie whose warm embrace he so desperately pines for.

“I’m going to sign this for him. I was sent one. I thought you’d all like to see it. it’s a man named Vladimir Putin, who I believe will be coming, depending on what happens. he may be coming and he may not. depending on what happens. we have a lot of things happening over the next couple of weeks. but I thought it was a nice picture. of him. okay of me, but nice of him. so that was very nice that it was sent.”

the fucking idiot blithered about gold.

“you see the way this is looking? look. I can’t tell you how much that gold costs, a lotta money. there’s nothing like gold and there’s nothing like solid gold, but this, this beautiful office needed it.”

the fucking idiot then hallucinated about ‘beautiful African-American ladies’ who are begging him to come to Chicago and do a fascism.

“Chicago is a mess. and we’ll straighten that one out probably next … African Americans ladies, beautiful ladies, are saying ‘please President Trump, come to Chicago.’”

the fucking idiot then wandered over to the Kennedy Center, where he gibbered incoherently about ‘the cubes with the doors.’

“they built these rooms nobody’s gonna use. rooms underground. and I’ve often wondered what are the big cubes they have outside that block the view. the cubes with the door in them so that people can get down to rooms that nobody is going to use. and it’s a shame. it’s a shame.”

and then the fucking idiot blithered about ‘these cubes’ a second time.

“I can’t use bad language, but it’s been so badly run. and they built these cubes outside, these cubes. and there’s stairways that go down to little rooms that nobody uses. it’s so crazy what they did. they spend hundreds of millions of dollars. it’s like throwing money out the window. they built cubes. all it does is block off the view. you know, they go down to little stages, but nobody uses them. and we’re taking care of our big, beautiful stages that people really want.”

and the fucking idiot didn’t get 25th Amendmented on the spot. how fucking idiotic is that?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tiedrich Friday

yesterday, the California Legislature passed, and Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law, the Texas Can Go Fuck Itself Act of 2025.

the legislation will enable a special election to be held on November 4th that will ask voters to grant final approval to newly drawn congressional districts in order to shitcan five Republican seats in the US House of Representatives. current polling indicates that voters favor the shit out of this plan.

California, fuck yeah.

“we got here because the president of the United States is struggling. we got here because the president of the United States is one of the most unpopular presidents in U.S. history. we got here because he recognizes that he will lose the election and Congress will go back into the hands of the Democratic Party next November. we got here because of his failed policies. those are being exposed hour by hour, reinforced today by Walmart announcing they’ll be raising prices, because of the tax increases. because of the tariffs. we’re reminded every day by a slowing economy, growing mistrust, distrust, all across this nation, across the board, he is failing. he recognizes that, and that’s why he made a phone call to Greg Abbott, asking for five seats. he can’t win by playing by traditional sets of rules. he plays by no rules. I remind you all the time: it’s not the Rule of Law, it’s the Rule of Don — and we’re standing up to that. we’re responding to that.”

it cannot be stressed enough that it shouldn’t have to be this way. California shouldn’t have to do fuckery to counter Texas’ fuckery.

in a sanely-run country, every state’s maps would be mandated by an independent commission that would divvy everything up in a fair and non-partisan way. y’know, true representational government. none of these fucked-up amoeba-shaped districts like the one that enables the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan to be reelected over and over in perpetuity, despite being one of the most-useless pantloads ever to stalk the halls of Congress.

but we don’t live in a sanely-run country. we live in the United States of the Stupidest Bullshit Ever, where every fucking thing has to be a battle.

it’s the dumbest possible way to run a country.

but this is a battle the Republican Party started — because they know their policies fucking suck, and they can’t win free and fair elections. so they’re allthe hell with playing fair, let’s just cheat our way to victory. it’s the Donny Convict way.


you want a battle? fine. go fuck yourselves. we’re going to do things the Untouchables way.

here’s another stupid hyper-partisan battle our country should not have to be fighting right now: is the current president a drooling imbecile, or what? — because fucking duh, he absolutely is.

this is an actual thing that happened yesterday: Donny phoned into one of these MAGAfied hate-radio programs, and proudly announced that he was going to personally patrol the ‘dangerous’ streets of DC that very night, like some fucked-up geriatric Batman.

I’m going to be going out tonight with the police and with the military, of course,” Trump told conservative host Todd Starnes. Trump has previously described the national capital as riddled with “crime” and “dangerous.”

here’s what happened next: Donny waddled over to the U.S. Park Police operations center and gibbered like a maniac for half an hour, about all the usual nonsense the demented old fuck obsesses over — like grass.

“one of the things will be redoing is your parks. I’m very good at grass, ’cause I have a lot of golf courses all over the place. I know more about grass than any human being I think anywhere in the world. and we’re going to be regrassing all your parks, all brand-new sprinkler systems, the best that you can buy, like Augusta. no, it’ll look like Augusta. it’ll look like, more importantly, Trump National Golf Club, that’s even better. but we’re gonna look, we’re gonna have all brand-new beautiful grass. you know like everything else, grass has a life. do you know that? grass has a life. you know, we have a life and grass has a life. and the grass here died about 40 years ago.”

what the fuck? what grass? who gives a shit about grass? where are these parks that Donny’s so horny to turn into shittier versions of his shitty golf motels? above all, why is the president of the United States wasting one second of his time on grass? doesn’t he have a real job?

oh wait — no, he doesn’t. Nosferatu McGoebbels is actually running the country, leaving Donny all the time in the world to regrass all our parks.

I guess this is a good place to remind everyone that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge is now in its 1,950th day.

also, I’m pretty sure I know one guy who’s better at grass than Preznit Fuckwit.

so, how did Donny’s patrolling of the streets of DC go last night?

it never fucking happened.

after Donny’s blither-session at the Parks Police HQ, he waddled back to the White House, and that was that. Donny presumably spent the rest of his day flopped on a couch, watching himself on TV.

once again, America’s Mad King goes completely off the rails — makes a huge boast about how he’s going to personally patrol the streets, does a crazypants speech, and then disappears without doing one second of “patrolling” — and everybody just shrugs and goes ‘yeah, that happened.’

none of this is normal — and once again, we’re all numbed by the firehose of insanity.

and now here’s what might just be the dumbest imaginary battle ever, because it’s over a corporate logo.

“sparking some ire” is really underplaying what actually happened: the worst fucking people on the planet completely lost their shit.

“In college, I worked at @CrackerBarrel in Tallahassee. I even gave my life to Christ in their parking lot. Their logo was iconic and their unique restaurants were a fixture of American culture. No one asked for this woke rebrand. It’s time to Make Cracker Barrel Great Again.”

dude gave his life to Christ in a Cracker Barrel parking lot.

bro, you might want to ask Christ for it back — because you desperately need to get a life, if this is the kind of nonsense you’re getting all worked up over.

also, Byron — are you sure that was Christ? are you sure you didn’t get mugged by a junkie? because I’ve seen a lot of skeevy longhaired dudes in parking lots in my life — and none of them turned out to be Jesus.

here’s the new logo, and yeah, it sucks. it’s charmless and sterile, but so what?


and how it is woke? I can’t figure it out. Charlotte Clymer can’t figure it out.

They believe someone like me—a progressive trans woman—is cheering on the new logo change, which I find very confusing. I’m genuinely confused.

Tragically, I am something of an expert on anti-woke propaganda—which is an incredibly sad and pathetic area of expertise—and my hand to god, I honestly don’t know why rightwing influencers think I should be happy about the logo change.

does MAGA really need to turn every fucking thing, no matter how insignificant, into a culture war battle? it’s a corporate logo. of course it’s sterile, that’s been the trend in logo design for a over hundred years.


MAGA was so up in arms over the logo change, that Cracker Barrel stock plunged right into the shitter.

Cracker Barrel shed almost $100 million in market value after its stock plunged Thursday following the release of a new logo. The new design eliminates a longstanding drawing of an overall-clad man leaning against a barrel, in favor of a cleaner logo featuring just the chain’s name.

Christ in a Cracker Barrel, how incomprehensibly idiotic is that?

free clue for MAGA: normal people don’t obsess over shit this stupid. normal people don’t see everything as an ideological battle to be fought tooth and nail. normal people don’t glue their identities to a corporate logo. corporations don’t give a fuck about you. just like Dear Leader. he doesn’t give a fuck about you, either.

look, MAGA — if you hate the new Cracker Barrel logo, maybe you’ll like this one better.

because seriously, the only thing you need to know about this whole made up controversy over a fucking corporate logo is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Thursday Tiedrich

Gavin Newsom and his social media team are humiliating the living shit out of Republicans right now — and Republicans have no one to blame but themselves.

don’t feed the troll.’

it’s the first thing most of us learn on the internet. if someone is deliberately trying to wind you up, just to provoke response, don’t engage. don’t give them the pleasure of a reply. it’s what they want. it’s how they win. just walk away.

and for fuck’s sake, don’t ever feed the troll when the troll is so much better at internetting than you are.

perhaps the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun should stick to his day job as an obscure podcaster.

it’s been over a week since Team Newsom started tweeting in the crazypants ALL CAPS style of Mad King Donny. imagine for a moment what would have happened if the Republican response had been silence. Newsom’s joke would have been funny for a couple of days, and then the world would have moved on to the next shiny object.

but no, Republicans can’t keep silent — and as a result they keep getting their asses handed to them.

as always, the wingnuts’ infantile insults reveal more about them than they intend to.

“Gavin and his team of beta males who sit down to pee.”

pro tip: normal people don’t obsess over what goes on in bathrooms.

Team Newsom has held up a mirror to what unserious nitwits conservatives are, and it’s broken their brains.

let’s listen to the man himself break it down.

“I mean, even poor Kid Rock — these guys, they’ve gotten a little precious, haven’t they? the folks at Fox are like, ‘oh, this is so unbecoming of a governor. oh, oh.’ and meanwhile, they sit there reading his tweets every single day. are they really that out of touch? it’s jaw-dropping how precious and concerned the New York Post has suddenly gotten. how the Wall Street Journal board is like, ‘oh no, we can’t have this.’ I mean, what I hope is that we’re exposing it all. I hope we’re entertaining some people.”

the governor asks, ‘are they really that out of touch?’

the answer is clear: oh fucking yes, they are.

Fox News has done as much as anyone to keep this story alive. they just keep bringing on an endless series of tiresome scolds to explain why it’s perfectly okay for Dear Leader to tweet like a coked-up squirrel, but it’s not okay for Gavin Newsom to mimic it.

oh look, here’s Couchfuck McGee to drone on about authenticity.

this idea that Gavin Newsom is somehow going to mimic Donald Trump’s style — that ignores the fundamental genius of President Trump’s political success that he is authentic. don’t be a crazy person. be authentic.”

that’s rich, getting lessons in authenticity from JD Vance.

this is the automaton whose idea of human interaction is to lurch mechanically into a donut shop and be all ‘hello fellow life-form, for what time period have you been commercing confections, HA HA that’s great.’

America’s Mad King is authentic? oh please. there’s nothing authentic about the guy with a fake tan, fake teeth, fake hair, fake golf scores, fake SAT scores, fake bone spurs, lifts in his shoes, a girdle around his waist, and god knows what the fuck else is going on under those shapeless clothes.

on and on goes the endless parade of Fox News bobbleheads. who even knew that Kellyanne Conway was still a thing?

look at Gavin Newsom. now he’s busy trolling on social media, and it’s cringe … because Donald Trump is one of one. only he can do what he’s done with social media.”

fact check: fuck no, it’s not true that only Dear Leader can tweet like Dear Leader. Donny’s dumb-ass ALL CAPS style is so easily-mockable that even a map company can do it.

that’s why all this shit is so fucking hilarious. that’s why the very second anyone tweets out bombastic all-caps nonsense, you know exactly who’s being parodied.

look, MAGA: the reason it’s so easy to mock Dear Leader is because he’s done ninety-five percent of the job for us. he’s already a joke.

Donny Convict is a buffoon. he walks like a buffoon, talks like a buffoon, and tarts himself up like a buffoon.

that’s why you can stick an orange wig on a muppet and everyone immediately knows who’s being made fun of.

it’s not our fault that the guy you worship is a clown. that was your choice.

grow a sense of humor.

oh, look who else can’t stop whining about Gavin Newsom. it’s the White House Deputy Press Secretary.

“The all caps tweets from Newsom’s team are very weird and not at all funny but I know some dweeb is sitting in they/thems office cackling to themselves thinking they’re a world class comedian.”

fact check:

oh, lucky us. MSNBC’s most-useless pantload has entered the chat.

“it’s quite embarrassing, actually. I mean, Gavin Newsom, I mean have you seen what he’s doing online, and [hugh sigh] just take a deep breath.”

shut the fuck up, Morning Joe. you’re of no use to anyone.

you know what’s “quite embarrassing”? that stunt that happened about ten minutes after Donny was elected last November, when Morning Joe and Any Time Of Day Mika slunk down to Motel-a-Lago to grovel at Dear Leader’s feet.

‘oh, please don’t be mean to us, we promise to say only nice things about you.’

so again, Joe: shut. the. fuck. up. you’re not fit to shine Gavin Newsom’s shoes. we’ll give you a call if we ever need tips on kow-towing to a tinpot fascist.

even Donny himself can’t let this story die. he was at it again last night — and, of course, Gavin Newsom had the perfect one-word response.

maybe Donny should sit the whole Newsom thing out, and go back to denying ever meeting his dead pedo bestie.

speaking of which: the only thing you really need to know about all this ginned-up wingnut outrage over Gavin Newsom’s tweets is that Donny Convict’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

and now, it’s time for your Hero of the Day.

one has to wonder why Couchfuck McGee even bothers to go out in public any more. no matter where on the planet he goes, he’s met with angry, shouting crowds. yesterday, for some inexplicable reason, JD got it into his vapid head to stroll into Washington DC’s Union Station, and — well, here’s your hero.

“oh look, it’s Couchfucker. you gonna fuck a couch, buddy? GO FUCK A COUCH, JD VANCE, GO FUCK A COUCH!”

thank you to the approximately two hundred thousand people who messaged me to let me know it happened. you’re all doing the lord’s work.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Sunday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

hey, remember back on the very first day of Donny’s second reign, when he rung up Vlad Putin and was all ‘listen, you Russkie fuckwazoo, you better cut this Ukraine shit out right now’ — and just like that, the war was over?

yeah well, nobody else remembers that, either.

what we do remember is that months went by, and eventually, a few word-adjacent noises seeped out of Donny’s rancid anus mouth about how ‘well, I’m very disappointed that my bestie Vladdy won’t do a ceasefire’ — to which Vladdy grabbed his own crotch and was all ‘hey fuck-o, I’ve got your ceasefire right here.’

get ready for Donny’s latest clumsy-ass attempt to do a diplomacy: he’s invited Putin to Alaska this coming Friday for a despot snugglebunny playdate, ostensibly to (look, stop rolling your eyes) negotiate a ceasefire in Ukraine.

it’s a move that’s clownfuckingly wrong on so many levels.

topmost: do you know why Donny and Vladdy picked Alaska as the location for their playdate? really, anywhere in Europe would make more logistic sense. look at how close those countries are to Moscow — but Putin’s going to go the long way across the globe and travel thousands of miles to meet Donny in Alaska.

so, why there? no, it’s not so Putin can, at long last, finally see Sarah Palin’s house.

the reason for Alaska is that Putin has been declared a war criminal by the International Criminal Court in The Hague, and there’s a warrant out for his arrest. America’s great frozen north is one of the few places on the planet where Putin can go without ending up in handcuffs.

here’s the thing about the ICC: they don’t have a police force. through a treaty known as the Rome Statute, 125 countries have agreed to use their own law enforcement to make arrests and provide transportation to The Hague.

now, see if you can guess the names of two countries that haven’t signed onto that agreement. that’s right: the good old US of A, and Russia.

Donny’s coddling a war criminal, and providing him with a safe haven.instead of arresting Putin, he will welcome him with open arms onto American soil.

once again, America’s Mad King is an international embarrassment. our actual allies can only look on in horror.

by the way, you know who used to work at ICC, don’t you? this guy.

Jack Smith, a.k.a. The Man Who Convicts War Criminals In The Hague. Donny fucking hates this guy, for some weird reason.

the Mad King just keeps making these tone-deaf foreign policy moves, because he truly doesn’t understand how terrible all this shit looks to the rest of the world.

remember during his first reign, when he actually invited the Taliban to Camp David for a Fourth of July sleepover? when John Bolton told Donny that it was the stupidest fucking idea he’d ever heard in his life, Donny fired him via a tweet — and then canceled the cookout. good times. just another day in the incoherent life of America’s Mad King.

speaking of John Bolton, let’s hear what he has to say about Donny and Vladdy’s despot playdate.

“this is not quite as bad as Trump inviting the Taliban to Camp David to talk about the peace negotiations in Afghanistan, but it certainly reminds one of that. the only better place for Putin than Alaska would be if the summit were being held in Moscow. so the initial setup, I think, is a great victory for Putin. I have a feeling this is sliding very quickly in Russia’s direction. we’re not quite back at February the 28th in the oval office, when Trump told Zelenskyy, you don’t have any cards. but what’s happening is that Russia and the United States are discussing what terms they’re going to present to Zelenskyy. and it may well be that, Zelenskyy has no choice I have to say, from the strategic perspective, from the U.S. interest perspective, this was not good.”

look, John Bolton is a blood-spattered warhawk who assured us that Saddam Hussein was hiding WMDs in Iraq. he’s not our friend — but when he’s right, he’s right.

Donny’s getting played by a war criminal who’s a thousand times smarter than he is — and Donny’s too fucking dumb to realize that he’s conferred legitimacy onto a pariah who’s been shunned by the rest of the world.

Bolton’s right, this is a huge victory for Putin — because look at what Donny and Vladdy are cooking up.

over to you, Heather Cox Richardson.

U.S. and Russian officials are planning this summit to hammer out an agreement that will force Ukraine to cede to Russia its land currently occupied by Russian troops, as well as Crimea. This deal would hand Ukraine’s eastern industrial territory to Russia and bless the principle that one country can seize territory from another through force. Observers note that once this principle is established, as Putin wishes, there will be nothing stopping him from invading Ukraine again as soon as his war-weary country recovers its strength.

this fucktastic load of bullshit again. Donny and Putin are going to come up with a plan that’s identical to all the other plans they’ve come up with:Putin gets to go ‘all this is mine now’ and Ukraine will be cordially invited to go fuck itself. they’re going to take this plan to Zelenskyy and go ‘here’s your shit sandwich, Volodymyr, you’re welcome.’

when he heard this news, Zelenskyy was all yeah, fuck no.

“We will not allow this second attempt to partition Ukraine. Knowing Russia – where there is a second, there will be a third.”

what is the fucking point of Donny and Vlad hammering out an ‘agreement’ that’s identical to the previous failed agreements, when it’s a non-starter?

Donny’s allowing himself to get pantsed by Putin, just like he got pantsed in Helsinki in 2018.

There was surprise — even shock — when the president of the United States stood onstage alongside Russian President Vladimir Putin and accepted the former KGB officer’s denials regarding that interference [in the 2016 election].

Trump was asked directly which one he believed: his own intelligence community or Putin. In so many words, Trump gave the answer: Putin.

Sen. John McCain, the Arizona Republican, called it “one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory.”

no shit, John.

oh, and fuck Lindsey Graham.

To those who criticize President Trump for being willing to meet with Putin to end the bloodbath in Ukraine – remember Reagan met with Gorbachev to try to end the Cold War.”

unctuous much, you ginormous kiss-ass?

“I’m confident President Trump will walk away – like Reagan – if Putin insists on a bad deal.”

oh fuck straight off with this nonsense, Lindsey. Dear Leader wouldn’t recognize a bad deal if it came to life, leapt off the page, introduced itself as Mister Bad Deal and said ‘I’m a bad deal.’ Donny is the low-wattage dumb-ass who, after his fourth casino went bankrupt, decided it would be awesome to open a fifth.

Donny’s getting played. I hope he enjoys his pantsing.

here’s how a real president deals with Putin.

now let’s talk about something good. let’s reacquaint ourselves with an old friend: Judge Tanya Chutkan.

A lawsuit demanding secret government records tied to Jeffrey Epstein has landed in the courtroom of a judge Donald Trump can’t stand.

U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan — the same judge who handled Trump’s federal election interference case — is now in charge of a new lawsuit filed by the Democracy Forward Foundation (DFF), according to New Republic. The group is trying to force the Department of Justice and FBI to hand over any communications about Epstein involving Trump officials, any contact between Trump and Epstein, and the infamous Epstein client list that former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi once said was on her desk.

how fucking sweet is that? Judge Chutkan, who has absolutely no tolerance for any of Donny’s bullshit, gets to decide if the We the People get to see Epstein Files.

for expert analysis, let’s hand things off to Nelson Muntz.

and now, here are your heroes of the day: the good people of the Cotswolds, England.

JD Vance, the doughiest pantload ever to be Vice President, is currently enjoying the seventh vacation he’s taken in the six months he’s been in office.

hat’s right: you get two government-issued dolls and five pencils, but Couchfuck McGee gets seven vacations.

here’s how the fine citizens of the Cotswolds welcomed JD.

have a great Sunday, everyone.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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The Week In Stupid From Jeff Tiedrich

monday: look who he’s asking

pour one out for bear cub carcass aficionado Bobby Brainworms Jr., he’s learning that being a jester in the Mad King’s court is hard.

“we have full support from the president. he wants this done. he wants — he promised to make American healthy again, and he’s gonna do that. he called me last night. he calls me three or four times a week and says, ‘where are you? why aren’t people healthier yet?’ so he’s keeping me under pressure.”

really? the porcine twatwaffle who believes exercise is bad for you is phoning up the whale-chainsawing crackpot who doesn’t understand how germs workand hectoring him about ‘it’s been ten minutes, where’s all the health you promised?’

why do I find this scenario totally believable? because this is what government looks like when everyone in it is a fucking clown, that’s why.

I have a suggestion. why don’t you buffoons just get some Heritage Foundation nitwit to make a chart that says “HEALTHY!” with a line going up, and announce to reporters that health is solved.

isn’t that how you get rid of all your other problems? by imagining them away? trust me, the press will go right along with it.

tuesday: instant you-know-what

sometimes it’s the headline that’s worth a thousand words, so let’s just sit back and enjoy the shit out of this one.


over to you, Nelson Muntz.

and now over to you, John Lennon.

wednesday: oh please shut the fuck up, already

let’s see how few words I can use to explain this whole Sydney Sweeney manufactroversy, because it’s so fucking stupid that it’s not worth the brainpower to do a deep dive.

American Eagle put up some ads featuring a photo of MAGAfied actress Sydney Sweeney with the headline “Sydney Sweeney has great jeans.”

get it? get it? great jeans, great genes.

bueno for you, American Eagle.

the tiresome thing that happened next is that the wingnut howler-monkey ecosystem pretended that “liberals” were outraged because the ads promoted “eugenics,” or some such fever-swamp bullshit. then the wingnuts worked themselves into a ginormous hissy-fit over the faux outrage they claimed was coming from the left, and the whole thing exploded all over Fox News and Newsmax.

it’s so fucking dumb — but all you really need to know is that no ginned-up ‘scandal’ is complete without the most-useless pantload on the airwaves weighing in.

I’m talking, of course, about Fox News found object Jesse Watters.

“you know how this ends? Sydney Sweeney is going to marry Barron Trump and it’s going to create the greatest political dynasty in American history.”

once again, this is way too much information.

we don’t need to know that this is what Jesse Watters fantasizes about. we don’t need to know that he goes home and make his Darth Vader and Princess Leia dolls kiss while going ‘oh Sydney, you’re so hot’ and ‘I want you so much, Barron.’

Jesse, please, we beg of you. go back to openly wishing that Dear Leader was your daddy. somehow, that’s far less creepy.

thursday: the continuing adventures of Dildo J. Trump Jr.

oh look, the worst fucking people in the world have found a new way to call attention to their dumb-ass shitwaddery. they’re throwing green dildos onto the court during WNBA games. no, really...

why are they doing this? who knows? do the worst fucking people in the world really need a reason to do any of the stupid misogynistic bullshit they get themselves up to?

all you need to know is that no hateful bid for attention is complete until Cokey McSniffles Jr. gets involved.

oh look, Cokey’s abusive father is throwing a green dildo from the roof of the White House down onto where a women’s basketball game is taking place. I guess it’s on the that parking-lot abomination where the Rose Garden used to be?

don’t ask me, I’m not the AI that generated it.

give it up, Junior. your father is never going to love you, no matter how many stupid-ass memes you post.

friday: I want you — to hate

is there no hallowed institution that these fuckweasels won’t drag out back to the gravel pit and shoot in the face? the answer, of course, is a resounding no.

remember good old Uncle Sam, as depicted by the artist James Montgomery Flagg? he wanted YOU.

basically, he wanted you to punch the shit out of Nazis.

no more. now, Uncle Sam literally wants you to be a Nazi.

oh great. Uncle Sam has taken off his red, white and blue top hat and replaced it with an ICE cap. presumably, he’ll be putting a mask over his face next.

here comes ICE Sam, pouring out of the back of a rent-a-truck and tackling some hapless immigrant in a Home Depot parking lot.

look what other Nazi-level shit your government has been up to lately.

“Serve your country! Defend your culture! No undergraduate degree required!”

“defend your culture.” racism doesn’t get much more racist than that.

exactly what ‘culture’ are we defending here? is it throwing green dildos at women? is that the precious culture we need to preserve from the influence of swarthy foreigners?

you know who else was really big on defending their pure-white culture from the influence of swarthy foreigners, don’t you? of course you do.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Key Phrase Being In Her Presence

turns out we can all rest easy, folks.

it seems that the sleazy convicted sex trafficker who used to hang out at the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy golf motel in order to procure teenage girls for the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy dead pedo bestie told the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy personal lawyer that she never saw the sleazy adjudicated sex offender do anything wrong.

whew. I’m glad we finally got that settled.

during her nine hours speaking with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche last month, Ghislaine Maxwell said nothing during the interview that would be harmful to President Donald Trump, telling Blanche that Trump had never done anything in her presence that would have caused concern, according to sources familiar with what Maxwell said.

oh, okay. Ghislaine never saw Donny do anything ‘concerning.’

well, that’s a fucktacular load off everyone’s minds, right? I mean, it’s not like the word ‘concerning’ can mean anything you want it to.

let me go out on a limb here and posit that if you see nothing wrong with befriending teenage girls so your ex-boyfriend can rape them, you might have a different definition of ‘concerning’ than most people.

on a scale of zero to Susan Collins, how concerned should we be about this?

The Trump administration, meanwhile, is considering publicly releasing the transcripts from the interview, multiple sources familiar with the internal discussions told ABC News.

oh well, cased closed, then. the transcripts will settle everything. I mean, everybody involved in this story is completely credible, right? it’s not like any of them have a history of lying their fucking faces off.

here’s a fun thing the Department of Justice said about Ghislaine Maxwell in 2022.

“Simply put, the defendant lies when it suits her.”

oh, is that wrong, lying under oath during a criminal trial?

because I gotta tell ya, Ghislaine Maxwell has to plead ignorance on this thing. because if anyone had said anything at all to her when she swore to tell the truth that that sort of thing was frowned upon…

as for Todd Blanche, it’s not like he hasn’t always been willing to pour gasoline all over his reputation and set it on fire, if Donny demands it. let’s relive one of my favorite moments from Donny’s Big Election Fraud Fuckery Trial.

Todd Blanche will be for the rest of his life known as the buffoon who stood up in court and tried to convince a judge that it was okay for his client to violate his gag order — because Michael Cohen called him Von ShitzInPantz.

Blanche proceeded to read that colorfully worded, offending post into the record as Trump sat listening at the defense table.

“This one says, oh my, ShitzInPantz,” Blanche recited as he entered a screenshot of the post into the court record as Exhibit 64 — without any objection from prosecutors.

The official court stenographer duly followed along, typing the phrase into the court record as “shits in pants.”

let’s see how that worked out for Todd.

“You’re losing all credibility with the court,” Merchan exasperatedly explained.

tell me — a defense lawyer lectured by a judge during a criminal trial about losing credibility, is that bad?

look, Donny and his minions can release all the interview transcripts they want. it won’t settle shit.

Ghislaine Maxwell — a convicted sex-trafficking sleazeball with a history of lying — has every reason in the world to continue to lie.

she’s already been rewarded for her efforts, having been moved from a maximum security prison to a cushy minimum-security prison camp — a move, by the way, that’s just going swimmingly for everyone.

Posted on

Midweek Bat Shit Insanity Reported By Jeff Tiedrich

what’s this deteriorating old geezer doing up there? is he looking for the Epstein Files?

most of Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ ranting was lost in the ozone. here’s the intelligible part.

“it’s just another way to spend my money for the country. anything I do is financed by me. so you don’t have [unintelligible] contributed. just like my salary is contributed, but nobody ever mentions that.”

the official White House story was that Dear Leader went up on the roof to inspect the fugly concrete parking lot that now sits where the Rose Garden used to be, and also to get an eyeful of where he’s going to put that shitawful ginormous ballroom.

so, is Donny claiming he’s going to use his own money to pay for the dance hall construction? is that what this ‘anything I do is financed by me’ boast is all about?

fact check: bull fucking shit.

Donny never pays for anything. the opposite is true. not only is Donny enriching himself from the presidency, we the people are financing his Saudi-prince-wannabe lifestyle. Donny just spent ten million taxpayer dollars so he could spend five days goofing off and cheating at golf in Scotland. he charges the Secret Service obscene amounts of money to stay in the golf motels he visits every weekend.

for fuck’s sake, we’re shelling out nearly a billion taxpayer dollars to upgrade that vulgar flying bordello that he gets to take home with him when his nightmarish hellscape presidency finally ends.

so I’ll believe Donny’s personally paying for the White House to be turned into the Kremlin West when I see the cancelled checks.

hey, you know who else thought his official government residence was a tiny shithole that needed to be massively enlarged? of course you do.

here’s a fun item from the January 10, 1939 edition of The New York Times.

don’t you love that subhead?

Chancellor Explains That He Remains Simple at Home but Must Have Public Show

‘I’m Adolf Fuckin’ Hitler, bro. I gotta have that public show.’

just an insane megalomaniac Fascist dictator, insisting that he needs to create a constant public spectacle — of which he is the center. does that sound like anyone we know?

when you read these old New York Times articles about the pre-war Hitler, you realize they were sanewashing his crazypants shit, too.

if Donny was up on that roof hoping to distract people from asking questions about his dead pedo bestie, it didn’t work — because here’s Jeremy Newberger to win the entire internet, forever.

after that, #DiddlerOnTheRoof trended on Elon’s Nazi bar for the rest of the day.

the only thing you need to know about the Mad King’s rooftop antics is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

speaking of the which, here’s a perfectly normal thing that our perfectly normal government is doing.

The administration’s handling of the Epstein case, as well as the need to craft a unified response, is expected to be a main focus of the dinner, three sources familiar with the meeting told CNN. The meeting will include White House chief of staff Susie Wiles, Vice President JD Vance, Attorney General Pam Bondi, FBI Director Kash Patel and Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche.

this is probably the most perfectly normal stuff ever. what administration hasn’t had to arrange a meeting with the Attorney General, the Deputy Attorney General, the White House Chief of Staff, the FBI Director and the Vice President in order to get their stories straight about the president’s dead pedo bestie?

because make no mistake, that’s what “craft a unified response” means.

pro tip: innocent people don’t have to get all their henchmen together to ‘craft a unified response’ to a cover-up. it’s all so blatantly corrupt, and they wonder why the press won’t stop hounding them about #DeadPedoBestieGate.

the only thing you need to know about this meeting at Couchfuck McGee’s house is that is that Diddler on the Roof’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

oh lordy, look who else is going to finally get to the bottom of this whole Epstein Files thing. it’s the rake-steppingest fuckwit on Capitol Hill. Comer Fudd, the marble-mouthed moron who can’t even figure out how old Joe Biden is.

look at this massive self-own:

oh lordy, look who else is going to finally get to the bottom of this whole Epstein Files thing. it’s the rake-steppingest fuckwit on Capitol Hill. Comer Fudd, the marble-mouthed moron who can’t even figure out how old Joe Biden is.

look at this massive self-own:

The House Oversight Committee on Tuesday issued subpoenas for Department of Justice records on the Jeffrey Epstein investigation, as well as for interviews with a slate of former government officials in connection to the case.

bring it on, dumb-ass. let’s say that the Donny Administration actually complies (my money’s on them stonewalling the whole thing) and the DOJ actually sends over the files. does Comer Fudd not realize that Dear Leader’s name is all over that shit? way to make it public knowledge, bro. ace job. take a victory lap.

actually, Comer’s hand was forced by Oversight Committee Democrats, who got Republicans Nancy Mace, Scott Perry and Brian Jack to vote along with them back in July.

Comer was required to send the subpoenas after a Democratic-led subcommittee vote in July.

but check this out: Comer’s going to turn the whole thing into a clowntastic travesty, which is par for his course. look at who he’s subpoenaing to testify.

Oversight Chair James Comer (R-Ky.) announced that he was summoning nearly a dozen former officials to appear for depositions on the Epstein investigation — a list that includes former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Former U.S. Attorneys General William Barr, Alberto Gonzales, Jeff Sessions, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder and Merrick Garland, as well as former FBI Directors Robert Mueller and James Comey were also tapped to give testimony in connection to the case.

gee, it’s all the people Donny’s accused of ginning-up the “fake” Epstein Files that his name definitely doesn’t appear in. it’s just more delusional performative nonsense to please an Audience of One.

the only thing you need to know about Comer Fudd’s dog-and-pony kabuki is that is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

“we’re taking care of our farmers. we can’t let our farmers not have anybody uhhh you know these are very uh these people, that they’re— you can’t replace them very easily. you know, people that live in the inner city are not doing that work. they’re just not doing that work. and they’ve tried, we’ve tried, everybody tried. they don’t do it. these people do it naturally. naturally. I said ‘what happens if they get it’ to a farmer the other day. ‘what happens if they get a bad back?’ he said ‘they don’t get a bad back, sir, because if they get a bad back, they die.’ I said, ‘that’s interesting, isn’t it?’”

a ‘sir story’! everybody take a drink!

Donny actually does two racisms in that incoherent sound bite. first, he complains about the ahem ‘inner city’ people, who, according to Donny, are too lazy to work in the fields, even though ‘we’ve tried’ to get them to do it.

you know, I seem to recall that America did a very efficient job of getting ‘those people’ to work in the fields, starting around the year 1619 and going all the way to the Civil War.

the second racism is Donny’s nonsensical belief that migrants are particularly suited for farm work because ‘these people do it naturally’ — which, by the way, is the same thing the South said about black people in order to justify enslaving them and forcing them to labor for free for two hundred and fifty years.

these people do it naturally.

fuck you, you paternalistic prick.

wait, here’s one more clip of President Moron.

“we’ll be putting a initially small tariff on pharmaceuticals. but in one year, one and a half years maximum, it’s going to go to 150%, and then it’s going to go to 250%, because we want pharmaceuticals made in our country.”

wait, we’re doing what now? Donny’s going to make already-unaffordable drugs even more unaffordable?

but hang on — I thought Donny had already brought the price of drugs down by an astonishing fifteen hundred percent. that’s what he was bragging about two days ago.

“one of the things we’re going to be talking about pretty soon are the uhhh tremendous drop in drug prices. you know, we’ve cut drug prices by twelve hundred, thirteen hundred, fourteen hundred, fifteen hundred percent. I don’t mean fifty percent. I mean fourteen, fifteen hundred percent.”

Donny’s just farting out whatever random number he thinks of at any given moment. none of it makes any fucking sense — or is even mathematically possible — and the press just stands around, scratching their asses and going ‘well, I guess so.’

could any of you math whizzes out there explain to me, if you have a drug that costs $75 dollars, and you lower that price by fifteen hundred percent, and then you slap a 250% tariff on it, what does it now cost?

let’s ask Robbie the Robot if he can calculate it.

I thought so.

and now, let’s wrap things up with a round of Easy Questions, Easy Answers.

no. fuck no.

what the fuck is wrong with you, New York Times?

(by the way, don’t go looking for this shit-show of a headline on the Time’s website. after getting soundly mocked on social media, they changed it.)

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Elation From Jeff Tiedrich

Michelle Obama’s famous slogan, “when they go low, we go high” sounds really great on paper — but in a time of war, it’s a good way to get your head blown off.

and believe me, we are in a time of war — a war to preserve whatever scraps of democracy we still can, while there’s still a chance.

this isn’t the time for high-minded tut-tutting, or strongly-worded letters — which is why it’s so satisfying to watch New York Governor Kathy Hochul vow to go nuclear.

“I want to thank [Texas Democrats] so much for making this journey. you are on the right side of history — and you’re not alone. we are in solidarity with each and every one of you, and your colleagues in another state, hosted by my great friend JD Pritzker, welcome you as well. as I said, history will judge us on how we respond to this moment. but here in New York, we will no stand on the sidelines with the timid souls who don’t care, will not invest their heart and soul into this battle. this is a war. we are at war. and that’s why the gloves are off, and I say ‘bring it on.’”

Kathy Hochul understands the assignment, and she’s drawn a clear line in the sand: don’t fuck with us. if you gerrymander your state, we’ll gerrymander ours.

Hochul has embraced changing New York’s process since the fight over the Lone Star State maps escalated last month. Other Democrats have gone along as well: New York lawmakers introduced a state constitutional amendment last week that would let Democrats make mid-decade adjustments to their maps before the 2028 election cycle.

The redistricting effort she’s pushing in New York could open the door to a new set of maps that give Democrats an edge in 22 of the state’s 26 congressional districts by 2028. They won 19 of the 26 seats in 2024.

New York’s district maps are currently drawn by an independent commission, and Hochul is all that shit don’t fly no more.

reporter: “do you think, given the situation where we’ve had these court battles, that in this 2027 amendment that you may put forward that the independent redistricting commission should be disbanded, or changed in some way?”

Hochul: “yes. I’m tired with fighting this fight with my hands tied behind my back. with all due respect to the good government groups, politics is a political process. and to think we’re gonna do this with a purity test and make sure it’s completely fair to everybody involved. the reason we are able to draw the lines is because we’re Democrats and because the majority of state elected us to be leaders. and when we say that we cannot use that power to its fullest, then we’re abdicating the responsibility that we all have. Republicans take over the legislature, they can have at it — but until then, we’re in charge, and we’re sick and tired of being pushed around, when other states don’t have the same aspirations that we always have had — and I hold those dear. but I cannot ignore that that the playing field has changed, and shame on us if we ignore that fact, and cling tight to the vestiges of the past. that era is over. Donald Trump eliminated that forever.”

fuck yeah, Kathy Hochul. how long have you waited for those words to come out of the mouth of an elected Democrat?

that weird, unfamiliar feeling you’re experiencing right now is elation.

it sure feels good, doesn’t it, finally hearing a Democrat actually say that the playing field has changed, and the era of ‘oh, we’re Democrats, we’re above fighting back’ is over?

now get ready to overdose on elation, because Gavin Newsom is promising to redraw California’s map.

“these folks don’t play by the rules. if they can’t win under the current rules, they’ll just change them. that’s what Donald Trump has done. he’s dialing for seats—familiar behavior, since he dialed for votes in the last election. this is someone who tried to break this country, who tried to light democracy on fire on January 6th. he knows he’s going to lose in the midterms, and we have the opportunity to de facto end the Trump presidency in less than 18 months. that’s what’s at stake. that’s why we’re putting a stake in the ground. we’re not drawing lines just to draw lines — we’re holding the line: on democracy, on the rule of law, on co-equal branches of government, on popular sovereignty. that’s what this is about.”

they’re so chickenshit, these Republicans. they know that Donny’s policies fucking suck, and they know they’re going to get crushed in the 2026 elections and lose their majority in the House — so they’re going to do the only thing they know how to do: cheat.

finally, at long last, Democratic Governors are rousing from their slumbers and actually doing something to preserve democracy, before it’s too late.

thank you, Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom — and JB Pritzker, too.

thank you to every Democratic governor currently contemplating redrawing their electoral maps, for finally figuring it the fuck out:

this is a war.

you’ll never guess how Republicans reacted to getting a taste of their own medicine. they fell all the fuck to pieces and started whining about how unfair Democrats are.

“it is unconstitutional. it is illegal. but here’s what’s going on. everyone across the country needs to understand this. Gavin Newsom is planning to steal five Republican house seats next year … we cannot allow Gavin Newsom to get away with it.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. eat binkie, pal.

can you believe the nerve of these crybabies?

to these hypocritical shitnozzles, it’s perfectly okay for Texas to rip up their district maps in the middle of an election cycle in order gain five more Republican seats. but if Gavin Newsom does the exact same thing to give Democrats the edge in California, suddenly they’re clutching their chests and staggering to their fainting couches.

so unfair! so unfair!

nice histrionics, pal. now dry your eyes and put on a fresh diaper. you brought this war on yourselves.

let’s talk about Texas’s 1st congressional district. from 1846 to 2005 — 159 solid years — that seat was held by a Democrat. not one Republican was elected to the House of Representatives from TX-1. then, in 2005, Republicans gerrymandered the shit out of their maps. guess who’s been TX-1’s congressman since then?

that’s right, it’s this gibbering gobshite.


Louis Gohmert. the low-wattage fuckwit who said we could fight climate change by altering the moon’s orbit. I shit you not.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) asked during a House Natural Resources subcommittee hearing if the National Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management could change the orbits of the moon and Earth in order to help address climate change. Gohmert’s office did not respond to CNN’s requests to clarify his remarks.

thanks to rigged maps, that’s the moron who’s been representing the voters of TX-1 for the last twenty years.

Gohmert was the first Republican to represent the district since Reconstruction. Proving just how Republican the reconfigured district is, Gohmert was reelected seven times with no less than 68 percent of the vote.

and now Texas wants to rig their maps again. they want to send five more Gohmert-level nincompoops to the House, in order to preserve the Republican majority they will otherwise almost certainly lose next year.

yeah? well, fuck that shit and fuck it hard. Republicans, let me introduce you to Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom. they’re not playing patty-cake any more.

what the situation in Texas — where over 50 Dems have left the state in order to break quorum and block legislation — calls for is a really futile and stupid gesture, and Texas Republicans are just the people to do it.

The Texas House voted Monday afternoon to track down and arrest more than 50 Democratic lawmakers who were not present when the chamber gaveled in. After the 85-6 vote, House Speaker Dustin Burrows said he would immediately sign civil warrants for each of the legislators, empowering the chamber’s sergeant-at-arms and state troopers to arrest and bring them to the Capitol.

ooooh, scary!


this threat to arrest Dems is nothing more than a toothless and impotent bit of performative nonsense.

They will not face civil or criminal charges from the arrests. The warrants apply only within state lines, making them largely symbolic as most of the legislators in question decamped to Illinois, New York and Massachusetts to forestall passage of the GOP’s proposed redraw of Texas’ congressional map.

Texas’ razor-wire-booby-trap-loving sadist of a governor, Greg Abbott, is also melting down into a big puddle of hissy right now.

Abbott has threatened to remove the lawmakers from office if they do not return to vote on the Trump-backed redistricting of the state. The governor also suggested that the lawmakers have committed felonies by fundraising to pay off their $500-a-day fees for not being present.

“This truancy ends now,” Abbott said in a letter sent to each of the departed members. “The derelict Democrat House members must return to Texas and be in attendance when the House reconvenes at 3:00 PM on Monday, August 4, 2025.”

here’s the official Democratic response to Razor Wire Greg’s temper tantrum.

oh my god, here comes the elation again. I think I’m passing out…

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

he’s so fucking gross, and he defiles everything he puts his nasty little hands on.

it was bad enough when he tarted up the Oval Office with so much tasteless gold tat that it now looks like the gift shop of a bordello. you could have sent a child in there, armed with macaroni, glue, and a can of gold spray paint, and they would have done a more tasteful job.

tell me, how broken-inside do you have to be to gaze upon a historic and beautifully-curated rose garden and think ‘nah, let’s pave right the fuck over that shit’?

Donny, we’re told, wants the White House grounds to look more like his seedy little Florida golf motel. why? he’s down at Motel-a-Lago almost every weekend. does he really get that homesick the four days of the week he’s up in Washington, that he needs to turn the White House into some sterile parking lot?

does Donny want to be able to look out the Oval Office window, and there’s the Space Nazi, high as two ketamine-soaked kites, sitting on the patio where the Rose Garden used to be, piloting Forkship One to Mars?

nobody asked for this — and yet it’s being shoved in all of our faces, because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells America’s Mad King what he can or can’t do.

now get ready to projectile vomit, because Little Donny Fuckface isn’t done shitting all over what we used to — in more innocent times — call The People’s House.

look at this abomination.

nobody asked for this, but Donny’s going to burn through two hundred million dollars in his quest to bulldoze the White House and replace it with a gaudy golf motel.

and I mean that quite literally — because I hear you asking ‘hey Uncle Jeff. ninety thousand square feet is larger than a football field. how is a ballroom of that size going to fit in the current White House?’

the answer is, it’s not.

the plan is to something-something-something the 55,000-square-foot East Wing and who the fuck knows what after that. if you want actual details, forget about it — because as usual, nobody in the White House can get their stories straight.

here’s Karoline Lie-vitt’s version.

The ballroom will be built where the “small, heavily changed, and reconstructed East Wing currently sits,” Leavitt said Thursday during a press briefing. When asked if crews would tear anything down to make way for the new structure, Leavitt said “the East Wing is going to be modernized.”

that’s complete nonsense. you can’t put a 90,000-square-foot ballroom where the 55,000-square-foot East Wing currently sits without tearing something down.

math, how does it work?

and here’s Donny’s version.

“It won’t be— it’ll be near it, but not touching it, and pays total respect to the existing building, which I’m the biggest fan of,” Mr. Trump said.

so which is it, you ass-clowns? is it going to replace the East Wing, or be near it?

by the way, here’s another artist’s rendition of the new ballroom.

oh no, wait — I’m sorry, that’s an actual photo of the Kremlin.

again, nobody asked for this. you can’t have healthcare, but Donny’s going to set fire to two hundred million dollars in his compulsive crusade to replicate his vermin-infested golf motel.

what’s next for the White House, Donny? hey, how about a spa? just think of it, bro — a vulgar golden spa, complete with teenage “spa girls,” just like the kind you and your dead pedo bestie used to fight over.

Donny won’t be happy until he’s shit all over everything we hold dear. one by one, he’s taken our once-sacred institutions and clownfucked them until they were worthless.

remember the Presidential Medal of Freedom? it used to be the highest honor that our nation could bestow on a civilian.

no more. now it’s that cheap trinket the president’s Slovenian trophy wife hung around the neck of some drug-addled sex-tourist.


Donny’s also made a mockery of our legal system. he’s used his presidential powers to pardon cronies, murderers and war criminals.

nobody should be surprised if he pardons the woman who used to wander the Motel-a-Lago spa rooms in search of teenage girls she could traffic for Donny’s dead pedo bestie.

speaking of which, the hornet’s nest Donny kicked when he let slip that he and Jeffrey Epstein fought over possession of those ‘spa girls’ shows no sign of going away.

yesterday, at a White House event for who the fuck even cares, the only thing the reporters wanted to talk about was you-know-what.

eporter: “the family of Virginia Giuffre released a statement overnight in response to some of the comments that you made this week, that Jeffrey Epstein ‘stole’ people from Mar-a-Lago. at the time, did you know why he was taking those young women, including Virginia Giuffre?”

Donny: “no, I didn’t know. I mean, I would figure it was ABC fake news that would ask that question, one of the worst.”

oh, so a fact that Donny let seep out of his rancid anus-mouth two days ago — that Virginia Giuffre was ‘stolen’ (she wasn’t your possession, Donny) — now, all of a sudden it’s ‘fake news’?

news flash for Donny: you’re the one who put the story out there, dumb-ass.

Does anyone besides the brain-dead cultists really believe that Donny didn’t know what Epstein was up to? what the fuck was that birthday poem about sharing ‘wonderful secrets’ all about?

was it Jeffrey Epstein’s recipe for the perfect bloody mary? was that the ‘wonderful secret’? I don’t think so.

don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining, Donny.

now let’s all enjoy Donny concluding his hissy-fit and walking smack into his podium.

fun fact: one of the signs of advancing dementia is the inability to move around without bumping into things.

here are your heroes of the day: the Swedish state-owned energy company Vattenfall, who hired Samuel L. Jackson to star in a commercial entitled “Motherfucking Wind Farms.”

enjoy.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

if Mad King Donny thought questions about his dead pedo bestie wouldn’t follow him all the way to his dilapidated Scotland golf motel, boy did he think wrong — but thinking wrong has pretty much always been Donny’s brand.

Preznit Fuckwit had one of his Many Big Meetings™ yesterday — this one with British Prime Minister Keir Starmer. ostensibly, the meeting was to announce that the two countries had once again agreed to meet to discuss an outline for a framework for notes of a concept for an inkling of a trade deal — but none of the assembled reporters wanted to talk about that dog-and-pony shit. their questions were more along the lines of ‘what the fuck are you covering up, bro?’

reporter: “you said you have not been briefed on the Epstein Files, or your name does not appear in the Epstein Files. but doesn’t the AG have to tell you if your name—”

Donny: “well, I haven’t been overly interested in it. you know, it’s something— it’s a hoax that’s been built up way beyond proportion. I can say this, those files were run by the worst scum on earth. they were run by, uh, Comey, they were run by Garland, they were run by Biden and all of the people that actually ran the government, including the autopen. those files were run for four years, by those people. if they had anything, I assume they would have released it. the whole thing is a hoax. they ran the files. I was running against somebody that ran the files. if they had something, they would have released— now, they can easily put something in the file that’s a phony.”

hoo-boy. let’s see if we can parse this lunatic’s shit-blizzard of tortured logic.

first of all, President Pudding Cup doesn’t know what’s in the files, because he’s ‘not overly interested’ in them — but he does know that whatever’s in them is a hoax. but he also knows that nothing incriminating is in them, because if there were, Biden would have released them. but maybe there isfake stuff, because it would be easy to do. Donny can’t stick to one story.

notice how the cast of characters keeps changing. last week, Obama and Hillary were in the mix. this week, they’re gone, replaced by Merrick Garland and — get this — Joe Biden’s autopen. how the fuck does that work? how did the autopen help write the Epstein Files? can we get Comer Fudd to subpoena the autopen? I’ll bet it’s got stories to tell that would set your ears on fire.

never lose sight of the fact that Donny ran on a promise to release the Epstein Files — a promise he swore to keep, right up until the moment Pam Bondi took him aside and said ‘shut the fuck up about the Files already, your name is all over that shit.’ that’s when the Files magically went from real to a hoax.

that’s why none of Donny’s pungent mouth-farts about how ‘the Files are a hoax’ hold water.

every time Donny opens his big fat yap, he just makes himself sound guiltier and guiltier.

what’s that you say, Donny? you want to dig yourself deeper? go right ahead, my dude.

“and by the way, I never went to the island. and Bill Clinton went there supposedly uhhhhhhh 28 times. uh, I never went to the island, but Larry Summers, I hear, went there. he was the head of Harvard, and many other people who are very big people, nobody ever talks about them. I never had the privilege of going to his island. and I did turn it down, but a lot of people in Palm Beach were invited to his island.”

methinks the Mad King doth protest too much.

Donny never went to Epstein’s island, understand? but look over there! Bill Clinton did, and so did Larry Summers! so did ‘many big people’! and ‘people in Palm Beach’! hey, you know who else went to Epstein Island? SQUIRREL!

by the way, where is Donny getting his information that Bill Clinton was at the island 28 times? is it from the fake Epstein Files that Hillary Clinton was one of the authors of? did she put that in there, the number 28? or was it the autopen who did that?

remember that with Donny, every accusation is a confession. his angry insistence that he’s never been to Epstein’s island is all the proof you need that he’s been there so many times that he could draw a map of it for you. oh no, wait — Donny doesn’t do drawings.

reporter: “that drawing that the Wall Street Journal report—”

Donny: “I don’t do drawings. I’m not a drawing person. I don’t do drawings … I don’t do drawings of women, that I can tell you. they say there’s a drawing of a woman, and I don’t do drawings of women.”

fact check:

does the Imbecile-in-Chief really not understand how totally guilty he makes himself look when he denies doing what we’ve all seen him do?

how’d that fucking drawing get in the book, Donny? was it Joe Biden’s autopen?

keep talking, Donny. you’re guaranteeing that the press never drops this story.

and now for the Crowning Moment of Moron. Donny’s going to — to at long last — divulge a 20-year-old secret: why did he break up with his pedo bestie? we’re all on the edge of our chair right now, because until this moment, Donny’s always refused to talk about it.

lay it on us, honcho.

reporter: “the time you threw him out of Mar-a-Lago. would you settle that? what was that all about?”

Donny: “that’s such old history. very easy to explain, but I don’t want to waste your time by explaining it. but for years, I wouldn’t talk to Jeffrey Epstein. I wouldn’t talk, because he did something that was inappropriate: he hired help. and I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he stole people that worked for me. I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he did it again, and I threw him out of the place. and that was it.”

[I’d wager that good ol’ Jeff tried to get a piece of Ivanka, and as we all know, she’s strictly Donnie’s property. – MA]

wait, what? that’s what Donny’s pedo bestie did, that was ‘inappropriate’? he poached workers from Donny’s shitty golf motel?

that’s Donny line in the sand? that’s his bridge too fucking far?

so that’s what broke the friendship apart. not the fact that Epstein was a complete skeeve. that wasn’t ‘inappropriate.’ not the fact that Epstein literally raped the teenage girls that his equally-skeevy girlfriend procured for him. no, all that was totes cool with Donny, and certainly not ‘inappropriate,’ either.

all these slime-balls deserve each other — in hell.

oh, wait — before we go, let’s watch Donny struggle to answer a question that for once wasn’t about his dead pedo bestie.

reporter: “you talked about setting up food centers in conjunction with other organizations.”

here’s how you can tell that this European reporter has never dealt with America’s Mad King before: he uses a big word like ‘conjunction.’ but let’s let him continue.

reporter: “are you talking about Gaza? how will this work?”

Donny: “well it’s going to be working with the United States, uh, helping with the food. we have a lot of access to food. we gotta lotta food, ourselves, and we’re gonna bring it over there. we’re also going to make sure they don’t have barriers stopping people. you’ve seen the area where they actually have food, and the people are screaming for food, they’re thirty-five, forty yards away, and they won’t let them because they have lines. that are set up. and whether they’re set up by Hamas or whoever, they’re very strict lines. we have to get rid of those lines.”

what is Donny blithering about, he’s seen ‘lines’ set up by ‘Hamas or whoever,’ and that’s why starving Palestinians can’t get food?

once again, Donny doesn’t know shit about shit — but all this incoherent gibberish makes much more sense when you realize that Donny is probably reacting to a context-free clip he saw on Fox News. he has no idea what the lines were for, or who set them up — ‘Hamas or whoever’ — because he no doubt had the sound turned down and was only half paying attention.

that’s where Donny is getting his information on the massive, deliberate human rights violations going on in Gaza: from Fox News. he’s as fucking ignorant about current events as his own brain-dead cultists are.

maybe it was Joe Biden’s autopen that drew that line.

but wait — it gets stupider.

Donny: “we’re going to be getting some good strong food.”

I’m sorry, good strong what?

the sitting president of the United States has a toddler’s understanding of the world, and a vocabulary to match. it really makes you want to guzzle paint thinner straight from the can.

here’s your hero of the day: the unknown person who interrupted Donny’s remarks on the front steps of his ramshackle Scotland golf motel.

give a listen as Donny gets drowned out by the only sound on the planet more annoying than his own grating voice: bagpipes.

can we please hire this person to come to Washington, DC?

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We’re Living In The Worst Timeline

 

oh yes he did, and a camera captured the entire dirty deed. I promise, we’re going to talk about it. but first…

sometimes you just want to take your average Republican aside and go ‘what’s the deal with you? as an infant, were you dropped on your head, like, over and over? did you eat ALL the lead paint chips? was there a gas leak in your house?’

how the fuck else do you explain this?

“just so people understand, wind and solar only work when there is wind and sun. we don’t have technology to store the energy from wind and solar. so if you make yourself reliant on wind and solar, then if there’s no sun and no wind, you get no energy. it’s insane.”

oh my sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, how does Republican hand-puppet Marc Thiessen not know about the existence of batteries?

what other modern-day advances is Thiessen serenely unaware of? does he serve his children uncooked meat, cheerfully explaining that ‘just so you understand, we don’t have the technology to get food really hot’?

of course, there is an actual explanation for Theissen’s apparent ignorance of twenty-first century tech — and, sadly, that explanation has nothing to do with paint chips or head trauma. it’s worse.

Thiessen knows how storage batteries work. he’s just pretending to be a dipshit because he — along with the entire Republican establishment — have sold their souls to this fucking imbecile.

President Paintchips McDroppedonhead is a genuine fuckwit who knows dick about dick. he really does imagine that solar planes drop out of the sky when they fly under a cloud.

because Dear Leader is a volatile toddler who can Never Be Wrong About Anything, everyone is forced to play along, and insist that ‘we don’t have technology to store the energy from wind and solar.’

if Thiessen went on TV and said, ‘Donny is so wrong about renewable technology,’ his career as a speechwriter and a think tank fellow and a WaPo columnist would be over.

it would be fuckity-bye, fat paycheck. so long, invitations to the best cocktail parties. sayonara, appearances on Fox News.

same deal with Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin.

Markwayne’s already stood up in the well of the Senate and loudly proclaimed that, regarding Donny’s dead pedo bestie, ‘what we’re simply trying to do is give [Donny] cover’ — so you know that everything that falls out of his dumb mouth is compromised.

to stay in Dear Leader’s good graces, Markwayne has to pretend that he has no idea how years work, or when anything happened, ever.

Markwayne Mullin: “remember, there was a plea deal that was struck in 2009, way before I was in office, way before Trump was even considering to be in office, way before Pam Bondi was in office, way before Kash Patel was director, 2009, there was a sweetheart plea deal that was made underneath the Obama administration with Epstein, and that sweetheart has not been exposed.”

Jake Tapper: “no, it was 2008. the US attorney at the time was a guy named Alex Acosta. he was a Bush appointee. He went on to become President Trump’s secretary of labor. that all took place in 2008.”

Mullin: “who was in office at the time?”

Tapper: “2008, George W. Bush.”

Mullin: “no, 2009 was when the case came out, and Obama was in office at the time.”

Tapper: “it’s not true.”

imagine being so pig-headedly wrong about something that even that grinning hack Jake Tapper is forced to commit a journalism and fact-check you.

oh look, America’s self-appointed panty inspector has found something she gets off on more than doing Restroom Dick Patrol.

“one of my favorite things to watch on YouTube these days are the court hearings where illegals are in court and ICE shows up to drag them out of court and deport them. I can think of nothing more American.”

ugh. just … ugh.

the thing is, Nancy isn’t pretending. unlike her colleagues Marc and Markwayne, she’s not making up some story in order to mollify Dear Leader.

she really is this fucked in the head.

I have no problem believing that Nancy Mace, at the end of a long day, kicks back by settling in with a box of wine, opening a browser tab, and laughing out loud as immigrants who have shown up in court to fulfill their legal duty are wrestled to the ground by masked goons, dragged away in handcuffs and disappeared into Salvadoran slave-labor torture gulags.

and how does Nancy explain her over-the-top glee at the expense of other peoples’ misery?

“I can think of nothing more American.”

what a horrible excuse for a human being.

here you go, Nance. you win today’s Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck Award.

all this Republican psychopathy is in service of a preening narcissist who has been coddled to the point where an entire infrastructure of cheating has been created around him, so he can blissfully live inside a fantasy-bubble where he’s the very bestest of the best at everything.

check out what happened yesterday at Donny’s Scotland golf motel. Donny had hit his ball into the rough, or the sand trap — it doesn’t really matter where it is, because Donny’s not going to play that ball. watch:

that’s right, Donny’s caddie casually pulls a new ball out of his pocket and tosses it on the ground for Donny to take a swing at.

that caddie didn’t have to be told to cheat. he walks around with pockets stuffed with extra golf balls, because — just like Marc Theissen and MarkWayne Mullin — he knows what’s expected of him.

that’s how Donny — a mediocre golfer at best — has “won” eleventy skillion consecutive championships at his own golf motels: by cheating his cheating ass off.

and everyone around Donny is expected to shut the fuck up and pretend that cheating isn’t really cheating when Dear Leader does it.

let’s zoom in and slow that shit down.

when I showed this clip to Ms. Spouse just now, she shook her head and said ‘he really is a piece of shit.’

no lies detected.

Posted on

Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that you don’t even know where to start. so let’s just spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh look, the House just made itself go fuckity-bye for the rest of the summer.


why? because mean old Thomas Massie has been walking around with a big, throbbing discharge petition in his pants, and he’s been threatening to expose it to everyone.

House Speaker Limpdick Von Gavel had worked himself into a Ginormous Furious over this discharge petition — because had Massie gotten the chance to pull it out, it would have forced a vote on releasing the Epstein Files.

The acrimony comes as Massie continues to push for a vote on his bipartisan resolution calling for the release of documents in the Jeffrey Epstein case, a measure many Republicans are opposed to. Massie is vowing to use a discharge petition to force a vote on the measure, something rarely used by a member of the majority.

and so Speaker Limpdick did the only thing he could. he bravely ran away, away.

in fact, he made everyone run away.

Speaker Mike Johnson announced on Tuesday that he was cutting short the week’s legislative business and sending the House home early for the summer on Wednesday to avoid having to hold votes on releasing files related to the accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

there you have it, folks. that’s the length to which the entire Republican apparatus will go to suppress every shred of evidence about the sick shit that Dear Leader and his dead pedo bestie were up to — they’ll even make themselves go fuckity-bye.

the most useless Congress in history now goes home for the rest of the summer. apart from that big ugly bill that shreds the social safety net while giving another huge tax cut to gazillionaires, they accomplished fuck-all. they couldn’t even manage to rename a post office.

now, all these worthless Republican Reps can go back to their home districts and do fuck-all at home. don’t expect these profiles in courage to hold any town halls. they all know what will happen if they do: they’ll have to listen to angry constituents scream at them about why is my health insurance gone? why did the Space Nazi get a tax cut? — and above all: why didn’t you vote to release the Epstein Files?

everyone knows that Dear Leader’s name is all over the Epstein Files. otherwise, why would every one of Donny’s enablers be working so hard to make sure those files never see the light of day?

what a ridiculous fucking charade.

oh look, President Saddy McSadsad is sad.

“We had the Greatest Six Months of any President in the History of our Country, and all the Fake News wants to talk about is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax!”

oh, boo fucking hoo. put a sock in it, you whiny jackass.

first of all, was this past six months really the greatest of any presidency? fact check:

as for the second part: Alexa, are the Epstein Files all anyone wants to talk about?

fact check: of fucking course they are — because every five minutes, new shit comes to light.

Photos from 1993 confirm for the first time that Epstein attended Trump’s 1993 wedding to Marla Maples. Epstein’s attendance at the ceremony at the Plaza Hotel was not widely known until now.

In addition, footage from a 1999 Victoria’s Secret fashion event in New York shows Trump and Epstein laughing and chatting together ahead of the runway event.

what else should we be talking about, Donny, if not your pedo bestie? would you like us to talk about how increasingly demented and incoherent you are? would that make you happier?

you know, he has these think tanks. and they build— they build buildings for people that think. and it’s really not thinking, it’s uhh, a little bit of combination of thinking, but it’s uhh, it’s something you sort of have, or you don’t have.”

holeeeey shit. ‘they build buildings for people that think.’ no, wait — they don’t just think, they do a combination of thinking. or they don’t, because it’s something only some people have.

here’s your pudding cup, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants. it’s obviously way past your bedtime.

by the way, they also build buildings for people who don’t think.

but please, do go on, sir. we’re hanging on every word.

“but what we found is even more so. we found absolute— this isn’t like evidence, or the— this is like proof. irrefutable proof, that Obama was sedatious. that Obama led— was trying to lead a coup. and it was with Hillary Clinton, with all these other people. but Obama headed it up. and, if, you know, I get a kick when I hear— everyone talks about about people I never even heard of, was this— no, no, it was Obama. he headed it up. and it says so right in the papers. and everything. got everything. this is the biggest scandal in the history of our country. and it really goes on to even the autopen.”

words, do they even exist?

what is ‘sedatious,’ does anyone know? is that when you’re bodacious andseditious?

excuse me, but where are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media? can not one of these wastes of space stand up and, at long last, finally ask what the fuck is wrong with you?


no, they can’t.

they’re all content just stand around and nod their heads, as if a diaper-loading grievance-factory hallucinating crimes and threatening to imprison his predecessor was the most normal thing in the world.

nothing to see here, right?

imagine if Joe Biden had accused Donny of trying to lead a coup. OH WAIT, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.


Barack Obama has issued a response to the Mad King’s caterwauling.

Out of respect for the office of the presidency, our office does not normally dignify the constant nonsense and misinformation flowing out of this White House with a response. But these claims are outrageous enough to merit one. These bizarre allegations are ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction.

Nothing in the document issued last week undercuts the widely accepted conclusion that Russia worked to influence the 2016 presidential election but did not successfully manipulate any votes. These findings were affirmed in a 2020 report by the bipartisan senate intelligence committee, led by then-chairman Marco Rubio.

that’s pretty eloquent, but I like Stephen Colbert’s response to Donny better.

“go fuck yourself.”

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Can You Say Desperation?

Little Donny Fuckface is rattled right now. he wants nothing more than for everyone to stop asking so many questions about his dead pedo bestie. for the first time in his soft, privileged life, the press has sunk its teeth into a scandal they can’t be distracted from — and the Mad King hasn’t a clue how to handle it.

Donny’s playing all the old hits, throwing everything at the wall and hoping that something — anything! — will stick.

Obama did a treason! Biden did an autopen! sports isn’t racist enough! Murdoch sucks! Colbert sucks! I’m suing everybody! SQUIRREL!!!

it’s not working. nothing is working — and Donny’s getting slaughtered in the polls.

just how rattled is Team Donny right now? this rattled: they’ve raised the threat level to DEFCON Hillary.

it’s right there on page one of the Republican Diversion Handbook: when all else fails, investigate the Email Lady.

Bondi announced Monday that the Department of Justice has released documents tied to the FBI’s investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server during her tenure as Secretary of State. The move comes in response to a long-standing request from Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley, who has pushed for greater transparency surrounding the probe.

oh, thank the day. Chuck Grassley — who, at six hundred and seventy-nine years of age, is America’s oldest living elected official — is finally going to get to the bottom of this whole Hillary emails thing.

Chuck’s premise is that the FBI didn’t try hard enough to gin up proof that Hillary broke laws by running her own email server. Grassley believes that when the initial FBI investigation came up with bupkis, they should have opened a second. and if that one didn’t prove criminal culpability, they should have opened a third.

in other words, the FBI should have Benghazi’d the shit out of that email server.

Benghazi — now there was an investigation. do you think Republicans were daunted when they couldn’t find any proof that Hillary was responsible for the deaths of four diplomats in Libya? fuck no. they immediately cranked a second investigation in high gear. and then a third. a fourth. a fifth.

do you know how many total investigations there were into Benghazi? eight. that includes the one where they hauled Hillary before live cameras and made her testify for eleven consecutive hours — which she did with grace and humor.

so you can well understand why Chuck Grassley can’t believe that everyone just gave the fuck up after one email investigation. who does that, investigate Hillary only once? it makes no sense.

and, of course, Pam Bondi couldn’t wait to agree to Grassley’s request to declassify everything the FBI had on Hillary. anything — anything — to get MAGA’s mind off of the Epstein Files.

naturally, the wingnut outrage-industrial complex is only too happy to play along.

but as long they’re delving into Hillary’s imaginary crimes again, maybe they could check out that time when she accidentally butt-dialed a journalist and texted him classified war plans.

oh wait, that wasn’t Hillary who did that. it was the Fox News dunk-tank clown who screwed that up.

someone remind me, how many hearings were held after Pete Kegstand’s actual breach of national security? I seem to recall it was zero.

and please, someone remind me how many hours Congress spent grilling Piss-Drunk Pete on live television? spoiler alert: again, it was zero.

how many hours did Donny Convict spend testifying before the January 6th Committee? again, I seem to recall it was zero. in fact, when Donny was subpoenaed to testify, he blew it off and didn’t show up.

but sure, let’s just hassle the Email Lady every day for the rest of her life. there’s got to be something on her. there’s just got to be.

look: the only thing that anyone needs to know about Hillary’s emails is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein files.

hey, as long as Pam Bondi is so horny to declassify FBI files and hand them out like party favors, I have a couple of requests — because there are some other unsolved scandals that really need to be looked into.

topmost: it’s time to reopen the investigation into TanSuitGate.

could we please get all the files about Obama’s tan suit?

sure, everyone knows that Obama wore a tan suit, but we never found out why.

look at poor old Comer Fudd. he still can’t figure out how old Joe Biden is.

I’m sure the FBI has files somewhere with Joe Biden’s birthdate on them. could someone do Comer a solid and pass them his way?

hey Donny — you want this to all go away? I have an easy solution for you: just release the files, and let everyone see for themselves how you did nothing wrong.

I mean, you’re innocent right? and innocent people don’t generally suppress the very files that prove how innocent they are, am I right?

am I right?

here’s another thing Pam Bondi did yesterday: she declassified a bunch of FBI files on the 1968 assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.

look at us, releasin’ files. we’re so fucking transparent. who can accuse us of covering up anything? that was the intended message behind this bit of Kabuki.

you know who wasn’t impressed? Bernice King, MLK’s daughter.

in a world of Mad Kings, be a Bernice King.