Work History

My current employment situation sucks, but sometimes it takes a phone call to a longtime friend to get me out of my own head long enough to actually put it all in perspective. After speaking at length with my dear friend Cindy the other night, I realized that the emotionally toxic work environment I currently find myself in is merely a bump in the road—that I need to remember that I have had these bumps before, and that "this too shall pass." I need to remember the incredible sense of liberation that I will feel when I finally find something else and break free of this place. I also need to remember that I have worked for some truly outstanding people during my career and that I will find that magic again.

"I am open and receptive to the abundance of the universe."

The one company that immediately comes to mind in that magic category was the small architectural firm that I worked for in San Francisco for nearly a decade—until in what can only be described as a fit of utter madness I decided to throw my entire life into complete chaos and move back to Arizona the first time.

(Of course, if I had not done that, it would not have led me on the path to Ben, and as I've said that many times before, I wouldn't change that for the world.)

My interview at H&M (no, not that H&M)  was the result of having sent out a hundred blind resumes seeking work as an architectural drafter (my profession before getting suckered into giving it up for full time PC support).

The funny thing is, when I first arrived for my interview, I almost turned around and left before even going in. The office was in a decrepit building on the southeast corner of Mission and 2nd, above a perpetually going-out-of business men's clothing retailer. The first thing that greeted me when I got off the elevator was a locked metal gate preventing further access. But for once in my life I actually listened to that little voice in my head that told me if I turned around and left I would be making a horrible mistake.

2nd & Mission, San Francisco CA – 1987

I rang the buzzer and was greeted by one of the two principals.

As expected, it was a small, rather dingy office, about 20 feet wide by 40 feet long. Along one side were four drafting tables perpendicular to the wall. On the opposite wall was a row of bookcases holding product catalogs. Between them was a folding conference table.

Despite my initial misgivings, I had an excellent interview. It was one of only three such interviews I've had in my life that even during the interview itself I knew was kismet. And at the end of the interview, Jack and Nick looked at each other and said, "We like you. Would you like to come to work for us?"

And so began my 8 year journey and the birth of my second family.

Shortly after I started work, the fourth member of the firm returned from an extended absence. Neill was a couple years younger than I, but we had so much in common in the way of music, film, and our overall design aesthetic we immediately hit it off. (I remember one afternoon we were off to measure some building and he said something about cock suckers. I looked at him and said, "Excuse me, but I'm a cock sucker!" He looked at me, and smiling, said, "Some of my best friends are cock suckers!" Neill wasn't gay, but having grown up in the bay area, was certainly unfazed by my announcement, and thus began our friendship.)

Jack was the company's sales division. Nick was the main designer and ran the office, handling the day-to-day coordination with clients. Neill and I were production, although as the years went by each of our respective roles branched out significantly.

A couple months after I started, I arrived at work one morning to discover an IBM computer sitting on the conference table. I remember asking, "What's this for?" and was told, "We're not exactly sure. We hope you can do something with it."

And so began my obsession.

I'd never touched a PC in my life (other than a brief stint playing with a Commodore VIC-20 years earlier), but I took to it like a fish to water. As the months progressed I began learning everything I could about this new piece of technology. Little did I know where this would ultimately lead me, or how it would result in a life-long friendship with Jack's wife, Lei.

I got a copy of WordPerfect from my ex, who was working for a law firm at the time, and—having attended a sales presentation for AutoCAD at my last job in Tucson and knew that this was the way the architectural profession was headed—"acquired" a copy of that as well. I remember AutoCAD being the most difficult thing I had ever set out to learn. At one point I was literally moving things in my dreams by applying cartesian coordinates.

While they kicked and screamed the entire way, I dragged the firm legally into CAD, and as time passed we bought several new PCs and created a network. Then, after realizing the money being wasted by having all our CAD drawings printed offsite, the firm invested in a plotter.

Nick was one of those amazing employers who basically gave me free reign to do whatever was needed to grow professionally as well as personally while I was there. Only once did I take advantage of his generosity, and it's something I regret to this day.

Nick, Neill, Your Humble Blogger, and Jack – 1991

The office moved after the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake (not surprisingly, the building was condemned) to nicer digs at Fremont and Folsom where it remained until the late 90s.

Like any family, the one at H&M had its difficult moments. Both the owners were fond of spending an afternoon at the local pub, and when Nick and Jack fought, it was like parents going at it. But also like a family, in difficult times, we hung together. When business turned down in the early 90s, instead of laying anyone off, we all voluntarily went to a 32 hour work week until things rebounded. And when things were good, they were very good. One day after the weather had warmed up after a particularly wet and nasty winter, Nick turned to us and said, "Take the rest of the day off. Go to the beach."

For the Christmas holiday, Jack and Nick never failed to go above and beyond. Of course, there were the year-end bonuses and profit-sharing, but in addition there would always be something else. One year it was a trip on the ferry to Sausalito and an expensive lunch followed by an afternoon of playing tourist…

Neill, Your Humble Blogger, and Nick – XMas 1987

Another year it was fishing on the Bay for the day (worst weather ever, and after catching and killing the fish—a sturgeon—Neill took up permanent vegetarianism, but it was the thought that counted)…

Drowned Rats

Yet another year they rented a house at Sea Ranch for a weekend and we all brought our families/significant others…

Sea Ranch – 1991

While working for H&M, I remember days where I was irritated, or frustrated or pissed off at something Nick or Jack or Neill did (Neill got pretty pissy too at times), but never do I remember waking up in the morning and thinking, "I just can't deal with the bullshit today," like I often do now.

This was also the only place I have ever worked where I was regularly invited to break bread at the owners' homes with their families as well as having them in my home to do the same.

And as a testament to the fact that we were more than just employers and employees, Nick openly wept as I said my final goodbyes at my farewell lunch.

While I have since lost contact with Nick and Neill, I still regularly call and write Jack's wife, who often referred to me as her second son and with whom I still share a deep and abiding love for all things tech.

No Spring For You!

While I know certain people are going to laugh and call me a wimp when they read this, but after having gone through two winters in Colorado, I now know why many more people move to Arizona instead of from there in spite of the batshit crazy political climate.

Last year the final snow of the season occurred in February and we had a delightful spring. "That wasn't so bad," I thought. It corresponded in an inverse way to roughly the same length of time you can be expected to run your air conditioning in Arizona. This year, however, it seems the fucking white shit just won't go away. "Oh, we usually get our craziest weather in March through May."

Really? May? Seriously?

So essentially what I'm being told is that if we're lucky, we'll get four months this year when it doesn't snow at some point.

My sister is tired of hearing me complain about it. "Well, you did move to Colorado."

My dad was big into astrology (an understatement if there ever was one), and before Ben and I moved he printed out and gave me an astrological "relocation report."

I never read it, preferring instead to discover life in Denver without any preconceived notions, but at this point I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if it read, "You'll hate it."

 

This.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

― Bob Marley

Via.

Some Thoughts on Home

A few days ago I read this heart-wrenching article about the long-term unemployed who are homeless and living out of their cars in Santa Barbara.

One quote from a woman whose family had just recently gotten resettled into an apartment especially resonated with me: "For the first month after getting the place," she said, "I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to be in this house."

While Ben and I were never homeless per se, after leaving Phoenix, the affect of being unemployed and living three months in that hotel room had much the same effect on me, and is something I never want to go through again. For months after getting back into an apartment I wanted nothing more than to simply come home from work and be there. Even now most days I crave the security of our apartment over going out and doing much of anything after work.

That's why any talk—even hypothetical—of us moving to a different place now leaves me very unsettled.

Ben will be graduating and receiving his Masters Degree in Education next month. This will be the first time since I've known him that he will not be in school. This is a huge change for him, and I think he's feeling a bit lost as he begins his chosen career. The other day he told me that he now wants to get his Doctorate, and added, "We'll have to decide where we want to live."

Where we want to live? Excuse me?

When I was Ben's age, I wouldn't think twice about packing up and moving once a year. But now that I'm older, having stability—especially after the radical changes this past year have brought—is extremely important to me. The last thing I want to do is cross state lines again—especially since I've finally adjusted to living in Denver.

"Don't worry, it won't be for another six years."

I pointed out the obvious fact that I'm no longer in my 30s and can't just walk into another job like I used to be able to. In six years I will be at an age that even with my impeccable skill set and piles of kudos from previous employers, finding work in my chosen profession might be prove difficult. While my current job is far from ideal, it's still a job, relatively secure (or at least as secure as any job in this economy), providing a steady income with benefits paid. There are millions of Americans out there still desperately searching for what I have, and I'm not exactly sure I'm willing to give that up—especially as I get older—just so Ben—as much as I love him—can become a professional student.

I Don't Smoke…

…but I have other health issues I'm not exactly paying as much attention to as I should, and after seeing this, it's time to start because this is exactly how I feel about my man.

Ugh.

Ben is in Phoenix for the long Memorial Holiday weekend.  My plans were to use these couple days of "me" time to see the movies he had no interest in seeing.

You would think that after the Battleship fiasco, I'd pay more attention and trust Ben's Spidey Sense when it comes to movies, but nooo...

This afternoon after getting back from the airport, I went to see Chernobyl Diaries.

There will be no snarky review this time. I knew after about 45 minutes it wasn't going to get any better and would probably end horrifically, so I walked out and got my money back. Of course, the fact I walked out (something I have not done for many, many years) is a review in and of itself.

I had also planned on seeing Cabin in the Woods tonight, but after this I just thought, "Why bother?"

So what did I do with the rest of my day?  After dropping off two bags of old clothes I'd been carrying around in the back of Anderson for the last week at the local ARC store, I came home, ripped a couple pieces of vinyl into iTunes, finished up the laundry, and began some much-needed anal-retentive cleaning. I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped; it's been a few months since I really did the pull-all-the-knicknacks-off-the-shelves-and-dust thing, but there's always tomorrow. At least the laundry basket is empty.

And now I have two nights of tossing and turning to look forward to. Despite the fact that I can, in the immortal—if politically incorrect—words of the indomitable Lucile Watson as Mrs. Morehead in The Women, "spread out on the bed like a swastika" in Ben's absence, I just don't sleep well when he's not here.

TGIF

It's going to be a long holiday weekend without my Bubba. Ben is leaving for Phoenix tomorrow and won't be back until Tuesday.

Yeah, I'll enjoy the extended "me" time, but this place won't be the same without him.

Ode to a Friendship

As I lay awake this morning at 3:30 am—yes, again—I started wondering what causes two people, who have been friends for decades, to drift apart.

Tucson, January 1983: I had just arrived home on a Friday evening after stopping to pick up some groceries after work and, looking to the east, saw the most beautiful full moon I had ever seen rising over the Rincon Mountains. I had originally intended on staying in that night, but a little voice popped into my head that kept saying, "You really need to go out tonight."

For once, I heeded that little voice (because it would not let up) and later that night, I met Lee and Floyd, two very different men who ended up entering my life and accompanying me on this strange journey far longer than I think any of us had ever anticipated.

I will save Floyd's story for another time.

I had been introduced to Lee a few weeks before that night by a mutual friend, but we really didn't click. (To be honest, I think I just blew him off; I was no doubt in hot pursuit of some piece of ass and didn't want the distraction. I could be quite a prick back then.) Anyhow, I don't remember what caused us to gravitate to each other that night, but we struck up a conversation. The one thing that still sticks with me is that one of the first things he said was, "I didn't think you liked me."

Ouch.

I apologized, and clarified that no, I didn't dislike him at all. Our conversation sort of stumbled along after that until I happened to mention something about my first (life) teacher, and Lee's interest immediately picked up. We soon discovered that we were both on a spiritual journey of exploration, and became so engrossed in our conversation that we ended up closing the bar. While there was no physical attraction, the next night we had dinner and ended up back at my place—where we continued the previous night's conversation until nearly 4 am. And thus a friendship was born.

Lee and I, April 1983

Lee arrived at a time in my life when Dennis, my first partner, and I had been on an extended separation. After Dennis's return to Tucson from Dallas in June of that year, I came to think of us as The Three Musketeers. When Dennis and I did finally split for good (remaining best friends until his death in 1991), and I got together with Bernie, my second partner, we became the Four Musketeers.

Lee was part of our grand migration to San Francisco.

Babe in the Woods, December 1985

While he remained several years, San Francisco never really agreed with Lee, and after nearly a year in Denver, I can now finally understand where he was coming from. Some places just don't fit, and for Lee, San Francisco was one of those places. He returned to Tucson in the early 90s.

Ten years later, after I'd returned to Phoenix, Lee stood by me through my cancer treatments, driving up every week to provide welcome relaxation assistance by way of some Reiki sessions.

But then something happened. Late one night, after one of our final sessions, his car broke down in the dark between Phoenix and Tucson and he was stranded by the side of the road until a good samaritan happened by with a cell phone and was able to call for a tow.

I think this spooked him to the bone, because since that happened in late 2003, I was unable to get him to ever come north again.

Still, we would get together whenever I went south (which was happening pretty regularly for a while), and things were as good as ever between us.

I should note that Lee is not the big tech nerd that I am. He has a computer, and for a while we were emailing back and forth pretty regularly. But he started using it primarily for online gaming, and soon my emails were going unanswered.  I asked him about this and he explained that there was now so much spam in his inbox that he didn't even bother checking it any more.

Okay. A hundred different ways around that immediately sprang to mind, but from his tone I could tell any solution to this was going to be more trouble that it was worth to him.

Lee doesn't have a FaceBook account. He doesn't Tweet. Hell, as far as I know the man still doesn't even have a cell phone.

The last time we spoke—about 18 months ago—everything was fine. All the old connections came flooding back and he wished Ben and I well on our upcoming adventure to Colorado. Since that time I've called and left messages on his answering machine, but they haven't been returned. My last ditch effort at staying in touch has been snail mail. I've sent a couple letters since we've been in Denver, but still I've heard nothing back from him.

I know he's still alive. Bernie certainly would've let me know if something had happened to our dear friend, so I'm at a loss.

I have no way of knowing if he ever reads my blog, but did I happen to post something that so annoyed him that he's cut me off after all this time? Did my relatively newfound Atheism betray all the years of our spiritual questioning?

I just don't know.

Maybe it's just one of those questions in life that will never be answered.

Remembering Mom

Today is the three year anniversary of my mom's death. Even now a day doesn't go by that I don't think of her.  Sometimes it's only in passing—a fleeting memory of something she once said to me, while other times it's more of a dull ache that rears itself when I realize she's not just living in another city (as had been the case for most of my adult life), but that she is truly gone.

And yet, I've never cried over her death. It's probably because Alzheimer's had robbed me of my mother several years before her body finally gave out, and even if there is nothing beyond this life, I take solace in knowing she's in a better place—if only to finally be rid of the frustration and mental anguish she was feeling toward the end.

This is a small tribute I put together in 2009, scenes from her life that are set to a tune that first came to my attention shortly after her death. The synchronicity of her passing and the arrival of this music in my life was eerie.