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Dear Democrats In Congress

Jefferies & Schumer are not meeting the moment.

Now is not the time for “sternly worded letters” and disappointed dad speeches.

Now is the time for naming and shaming.

Now is the time for fire and brimstone.

Now is the time meeting fire with fire and if you are not up to then make way for those that can!

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Health Update

WARNING: TOO MUCH OVERSHARING AHEAD


Just kidding.

4 weeks post surgery.  Healing continues. Left side of my jaw and chin is still mostly numb, although sensation is definitely coming back and it’s better than it was three weeks ago.

The left side of my face is still a bit swollen, but at least I don’t resemble American Dad like I did when I first got out of the hospital.

(That was no exaggeration. Again sorry, no pictures!)

Despite one side of my jaw and lower lip being numb, my speech is still understandable and everyone says my voice is still pretty much the same as it was prior to surgery. At first it felt like I was speaking with a mouthful of cotton, but that’s dissipated over the past few weeks either because I’ve grown used to it, or because of further healing.

I’m supposedly still NPO, but who am I to follow all the rules? I’ve had swallowing issues for years and have learned to deal with them. Even my doctors say, “Well, you shouldn’t be eating, but since you have developed ways of dealing with the swallowing issues you had before and you feel confident you’re not going to choke…wink wink nudge nudge.”  So right now I’m in a kind of hybrid space. Swallowing is still an issue (as is opening my mouth wide enough to get any normal amount of food shoveled into it), but I know my limits. I have been eating soft foods and drinking, but also continuing to use the feeding tube for medications and the tasteless formula I need to ingest to keep my calorie count up. (Sorry, no pictures.) I’ve also shed the easiest 20 pounds I’ve lost since my last cancer—something I’m not upset about in the least.

The area on my wrist where tissue was harvested to patch the hole left where the tumor was removed from the back of my tongue—while looking awful—is exactly where it should at this point in the healing process according to my surgeon. I keep telling myself that six months from now everything will look normal…or at least close to it. The area on my thigh were they harvested skin to patch my wrist is completely healed although still bright red. (Again, totally normal.)

The back of my tongue on the other hand, looks great. I failed to ask for a photo when he scoped me a week ago. I will remember to do that when I see him next month (and will share it).

My energy level isn’t yet back to what it was prior to all this happening, but again, that’s to be expected. I spend most afternoons napping and then regret it in the evenings as it leaves me feeling more worn out and generally “sick” than I did beforehand. Night time sleep has also been a mess, although last night was the first time I’ve slept longer than in hour-long increments.

The good news in all this is that the surgery got all of the cancer, including the bit that had “nerve and vascular involvement.” No evidence of it spreading to any lymph nodes or anywhere else. Still, my ENT wants to followup with further therapy “just in case.”

Since I went through radiation for my previous cancer, I flat out refused that as his recommended next course of action. I’m not going to put myself through that again and working in the same area as twenty years ago carries—per my radiation oncologist—the very real danger of “blowing out my carotids.” So…

Keeping that in mind, my ENT then suggested Immunotherapy, so that’s my next stop on this journey.  I meet with that oncologist in a couple weeks.

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Monday Tiedrich

let’s suppose that President Joe Biden, in the middle of the night, had posted to social media an AI-generated deep-faked imaginary news report of himself, proudly announcing that every American would now have access to a non-existent medical device that would de-age them, heal them, and re-grow the shit out of their missing limbs.

you know exactly what would have happened next: the entire world would demanded to know what the fuck is wrong with Joe Biden? the press would have been screaming for an explanation, and rightfully so. Comer Fudd would have stepped on every rake in a mad dash to convene a hearing. dust off them photos of Hunter Biden’s freakishly-oversized trouser-hog, Marge. we’s-a havin’ us a good-ol’ an impeachment party.

world leaders would have called for an obviously-impaired Biden to step down. so would Republicans. so would Democrats.

hell, even I would have called for Sundowning Grandpa Icecreamcone to be 25th Amendmented on the spot.

you know where I’m going with this: on Saturday night, Donny Convict did just that: he posted a fake video of a fake Donny making a fake announcement about a fake medical device.

deepfake Lara Trump: “breaking now, President Donald J. Trump has announced a historic new healthcare system: the launch of America’s first new medbed hospitals, and a national medbed card for every citizen.”

deepfake Donny: “every American will soon receive their own medbed card. with it, you’ll have guaranteed access to our new hospitals led by the top doctors in the nation, equipped with the most advanced technology in the world. the facilities are safe, modern, and designed to restore every citizen to full health and strength.”

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bear in mind that nothing you saw in that video is real. that wasn’t Lara Trump, that wasn’t Donny, that wasn’t the Oval Office — where is the all the gold-plated crap, and the stolen World Cup trophy? — there is no ‘medbed hospital,’ and, most importantly, the medbed doesn’t exist.

and yet, when Preznit Fuckwit saw this video show up in his feed, he went ‘oh yeah, there I am, doing that thing I did’ — and posted it to his own crappy app.

tell me, is it bad when the leader of a country is so cognitively impaired that he can no longer determine what’s real?

it’s one thing to get fooled by a realistic-looking video on social media. it’s happened to all of us. it’s another thing entirely to get fooled by a video of you doing something you never did.

man person woman camera medbed.

let’s talk about this medbed. it’s a QAnon fever swamp hallucination that’s been going around for a least three years, and it’s pure, unadulterated batshit.

An increasingly popular conspiracy theory falsely centers around the existence of “med beds,” a fabled medical instrument that does everything from reversing aging to regrowing missing limbs. The theory has grown in popularity among followers of far-right movements like QAnon, some of whom claim to be urgently awaiting a med bed to treat severe health conditions.

that’s right: after spending a hard day trafficking children out of the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement, Hillary Clinton returns home to Chappaqua, lies down on her medbed, and regrows all her missing limbs.

and it’s not just the email lady who’s benefiting from this mythical tech — so is Bobby Brainworms’ uncle Jack.

The group falsely believes that John F. Kennedy is still alive and youthful, and attributes his remarkable longevity to the curative powers of med beds.

as with all things QAnon, it’s dumb as fuck and makes no sense.

if there really were a medbed, wouldn’t Joe Biden have been using one all along? wouldn’t Donny? wouldn’t Glitch McConnell and the seven-hundred-and-fifty-eight-year-old Chuck Grassley? wouldn’t everyone at the top level of government be running around youthful and getting up into highjinks, as if they were in the movie Cocoon?

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it’s all so obviously bogus, and yet Donny was fooled by a fake video of a fake himself, doing fake things. he saw himself doing things never did, and accepted it without question. holy fucking shit.

Sunday morning, one of Donny’s handlers deleted the video — but the internet never forgets.

folks, this is some crazy fucking shit. we should all be alarmed that the president’s brain has gone fuckity-bye.

none of this is normal.

and it’s becoming increasingly clear that Donny’s own sewer clowns are aware that Dear Leader has gone Full Nutso. they work around him, and feed him disinformation and feel-good stories — and they’ve cut him out of the loop. they don’t even bother to clue him in to their own fuckery any more.

it’s been obvious for a while now that Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand has been high on his own supply — and running his own show. a couple of months ago, he made a unilateral decision to shitcan aid to Ukraine — and he didn’t even bother to give Dear Leader so much as a courtesy head’s-up.

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it’s also becoming obvious that Donny had no advance notice about Kegstand’s WarriorEthosPallooza, that mandatory meeting wherein every general and admiral worldwide has been summoned to some fucked-up playdate in Washington tomorrow. per The New York Times,

Mr. Trump appeared unfamiliar with the meeting when he was asked about it during an Oval Office appearance on Thursday, but he quickly said it was good that Mr. Hegseth had organized it.

‘unfamiliar’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence. listen to Donny blither like a fifth-grader called upon to give a surprise oral report about a book they forgot to read.

“I love it, I think it’s great, let him be friendly with the generals and admirals from all over the world. is there something wrong with it? why is that such a big deal? the fact that we’re getting along with the generals and admirals from all over the world? remember, I’m the president of peace. it’s good to get along. you act like this is a bad thing. isn’t it nice that people are coming from all over the world to be with us?”

‘isn’t it nice’? Donny seems blissfully unaware that every admiral and general has been ordered to attend this meeting. he’s apparently under the impression that all these top military brass just decided amongst themselves, ‘hey, what if we all got together in DC to have a few laughs?’ Donny imagines it’s going to be Woodstock for the military. three days of peace and love, and grooming tips from the Fox News dunk-tank clown — and every general and admiral will get to have a turn in Donny’s personal medbed.

‘isn’t is great we’re getting along with the generals and admirals from all over the world?’

yeah, it’s fucking awesome, President Pudding Cup. now let’s get you to bed, you’re sundowning again.

now, here’s what Donny said during a phone call yesterday with NBC news, the one where he announced he’s going to crash Kegstand’s meeting. he still has no fucking clue what it’s about. he’s still that bullshitting fifth-grader who still hasn’t read the book.

“It’s really just a very nice meeting talking about how well we’re doing militarily, talking about being in great shape, talking about a lot of good, positive things. It’s just a good message,” Trump told NBC News in a phone call. “We have some great people coming in and it’s just an ‘esprit de corps.’ You know the expression ‘esprit de corps’? That’s all it’s about. We’re talking about what we’re doing, what they’re doing, and how we’re doing.”

“‘esprit de corps’ is a very important thing for the military to have, and that’s why everyone should read ‘A Farewell to Arms.’ thank you.”

check out this prime dollop of batshit that Uncle Dumbfuck posted to his crappy app.

“Some of the highest quality 24 Karat Gold used in the Oval Office and Cabinet Room of the White House. Foreign Leaders, and everyone else, “freak out” when they see the quality and beauty. Best Oval Office ever, in terms of success and look!!! President DJT”

what a delusional asshole. I guarantee you that no foreign leaders are ‘freaking out’ when they get a load of the cheap plastic tat that some flunky bought online, spray-painted gold, and hot-glued to the walls, turning the once-dignified Oval Office into a vulgar bordello gift shop.

au contraire, mon frere. they’re all rolling their eyes, Georgia Meloni-style, and trying not to laugh out loud.

my god, he’s such a fucking child. what a thing to brag about, as the price of food and gas skyrockets nationwide — that everyone’s jealous of your gaudy golden shitpile.

let them eat fake gold filigree, am I right, Dear Leader?

and now, here’s your hero of the day.

Donny’s masked ICE goons were doing a Full Racism the on streets of Chicago yesterday, rounding up and disappearing anyone with brown skin. so much for the fairy tale of how ICE is only going after criminals. cool story, ICE. now go fuck yourselves.

so let’s stand up and cheer for this food delivery dude who managed to out-run and out-bicycle nine members of ICE’s elite Meal Team Six squad.

too bad, so sad, thugs.

and fuck you, Donny, for turning America into an authoritarian hell-hole where being faster than fascism is the new spectator sport.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Happy Friday, Y’All

after three days of enduring President Rottinghands McRagebaby’s infantile whining about his harrowing battle with the UN’s Moving Steps of Death, Donny’s handlers finally figured out a way to get him to shut the fuck up about it. they did that thing where they brought in cameras, gave him a bunch of meaningless papers to sign, and then let him blither incoherently to the assembled press.

Donny was as happy as a pig in shit.

when it came time for the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media to ask their questions, one thing everyone wanted to know was who will Donny be persecuting next?

“Soros is a name certainly that I keep hearing. I don’t know, but Soros is a name that I hear. I hear a lot of different names. I hear names of some pretty rich people that are radical left people. maybe I hear about a guy named Reid Hoffman.”

‘maybe I hear about a guy’? this isn’t how presidents talk. this is how mobsters talk. this is the kind of thing Tony Soprano would say — and we know what happens when Tony ‘maybe hears about a guy.’

you gotta love the way Donny pretends that all this political witchhuntery is going on around him, and he’s got nothing to do with it. he’s just hearingthings.

it’s called plausible deniability, and it’s the one thing Roy Cohn and Donny’s own tyrant Klansman father taught Donny well. if it’s something that could one day come back to bite you in a court of law, shut the fuck up about it. never talk about it directly. you. know. nothing.

it could be anything. it could be something, like, let’s say, oh I don’t know — bringing the full weight of the government’s legal apparatus against people who’ve pissed you off.

which brings us to the huge story of the day.

Former FBI Director James Comey has been indicted by a federal grand jury, an extraordinary escalation in President Donald Trump’s effort to prosecute his political enemies.

Comey, a longtime adversary of the president, is now the first senior government official to face federal charges in one of Trump’s largest grievances: the 2016 investigation into whether his first presidential campaign colluded with Russia.

oh great, we’ve finally reached the Prosecute Political Enemies On Bogus Charges phase of Donny’s Five-Alarm Fascistopia.

lucky us. we’re really living in the dumbest police state ever.

Comey has been charged with giving false statements and obstruction of a congressional proceeding, and he could face up to five years in prison if convicted.

Comey was basically indicted because reasons — because fuck James Comey, that’s why. remember, one prosecutor already quit-or-was-fired because he said there was nothing legit with which to charge him.

I’d love to get into the nuts and bolts of charging documents and notice pleading and bills of particulars, and explain exactly why this is a janky indictment, but I can’t. I’m just a guy who types cuss words into his laptop. understanding all this law shit is way above my pay grade.

for that, we have the indispensable Joyce Vance. be sure to read her thing.

what I can tell you is that this is some bullshit.

I can also tell you that even AG Pam Bondi knows that this is some bullshit — because she was against indicting Comey before she was for it.

attorneys from the Eastern District of Virginia sent a memo to Bondi, where they were all ‘we can’t indict Comey, this evidence is flimsy as fuck,’ and Bondi nodded her head in agreement. but then Donny got his brand new rent-a-prosecutor in the Eastern District, Lindsey Halligan — whose previous job was being a member of Donny’s team of ace parking garage lawyers — to drop the hammer, and Bondi had no choice but to change her tune. she has always been at war with Eastasia.

Late Thursday, Bondi replied to CNN’s reporting, stating, “That is a flat out lie.”

lying liar says what?

hey, remember what I was saying earlier about plausible deniability?

listen to Donny trying to dodge responsibility for Comey’s indictment. what? James who?

reporter: “there could be an indictment on James Comey. Do you know if there is an indictment?”

Donny: “I don’t know. I know it’s going on, because I read the papers just like you do. so I don’t know. [turns to Bondi] do you have anything to say about that?”

Bondi: “we can’t comment on that.”

right, Donny hasn’t a clue what’s going on. all he knows is what he reads in the papers sees on Fox News. all this Comey business, it has nothing to do with him.

fact check: fuck straight off.

we all saw that thing Donny posted by mistake on his crappy app, where he ordered Pam Bondi to indict Comey, and told her that if she didn’t do it, he’d find someone who would.

Donny posted that on Saturday, and five days later, Comey ends up on the wrong end of an indictment.

plausible deniability just went fuckity-bye.

oh, by the way, Donny — your rotting hand can run, but it can’t hide.

Comey posted the following video to social media. I detest this guy for what he did to the email lady in 2016 — but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all stand with Comey when he’s the victim of fucked-up fascism on steroids.

“my family and I have known for years that there are costs to standing up to Donald Trump. but we … will not live on our knees, and you shouldn’t either. somebody that I love dearly recently said that fear is the tool of a tyrant, and she’s right, but I’m not afraid, and I hope you’re not either. I hope instead you are engaged, you are paying attention, and you will vote like your beloved country depends upon it, which it does. my heart is broken for the Department of Justice, but I have great confidence in the federal judicial system. I’m innocent. so, let’s have a trial and keep the faith.”

I don’t have to tell you just how monstrously evil all of this is. I don’t have to tell you that in just nine short months, a loathsome bully has turned our country into a mockery of what America is supposed to be about.

but what I do need to tell you is not to give in to despair, and to never give up hope. all this will end someday — and, in that regard, let’s give what should be the final words to Eric Swalwell.

“and by the way, the president is saying he has no control here. he has all of the control here. he’s the one who has been tweeting to the attorney general that Comey needs to be indicted. he’s the one who fired the US attorney who would not indict Comey. this is a very corrupt, corrosive act that the president is taking — and what I would just say to any prosecutor at the Department of Justice is that it’s not going away. as a member of the Judiciary Committee, I promise you when Democrats are in the majority we will look at all of this and there will be accountability and bar licenses will be at stake in your local jurisdiction, if you are corruptly indicting people if you cannot prove the case beyond a reasonable doubt.”

please hear what Eric is saying, because when this authoritarian nightmare that is our current timeline finally runs its course — and it will — there will be accountability.

it just can’t come fast enough.

oh wait, hang on — we’re not quite finished. the corrupt hack who runs the Department Of What Used To Be Justice wants to pelt us with some vapid mouth-noises.

“No one is above the law. Today’s indictment reflects this Department of Justice’s commitment to holding those who abuse positions of power accountable for misleading the American people. We will follow the facts in this case.”

oh, please. get out of here with this nonsense. no one is above the law? then release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

and release the Tom Homan tapes, while you’re at it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Thursday Tiedrich

at the United Nations on Tuesday, as America’s Fuckwit-in-Chief was blithering incoherently about Chinese wind and hell-bound countries and how awesome it is to bomb the shit out of fishing boats and how he deserves all the Nobel Peace Prizes and how everyone at the UN is a poopyhead for not letting him renovate their building, a foreign diplomat took out his phone and texted the following to an American journalist.

“This man is stark, raving mad. Do Americans not see how embarrassing this is?”

you know me, I love a good game of Easy Questions, Easy Answers — so allow me, if you will, to take my best shot.

YES, WE CAN ALL SEE THAT DONNY IS STARK BARKING BONKERS, AND WE’RE ALL FUCKING EMBARRASSED.

well, obviously, not the cultists, they eat this shit up — but to the other 70% of us who aren’t brain dead, we know it. we’re the ones who have to sit here, day after day, as the firehose of batshit gets sprayed point-blank into our faces.

I mean, check out what a lunatic looks like when he’s lunaticking at warp factor nine.

dear lord, what a fucking snowflake. a snowflake like no one’s even seen before. maybe the flakiest snowflake of all time.

grow the fuck up, bro. do you think Teddy Roosevelt would have been spooked by an escalator? absolutely not. just look at this homey.

T-Rose would have punched the shit out of those balky autostairs.

oh joy, President Pudding Cup is demanding to speak to the United Nations’ manager.

I’m sending a copy of this letter to the Secretary General, and I demand an immediate investigation.

yeah, you do that, Commander Crazypants. you send your strongly-worded letter. I’m sure Secretary General António Guterres can’t wait to roll his eyes, mime jerk-off motions, and toss it into the nearest trashcan.

EscalatorGate™ is now in its third day and shows no sign of abating — and in typical Donny carnival-barker style, the story of how an escalator briefly turned into stairs gets more outlandish with each retelling.

the escalator going up to the Main Speaking Floor came to a screeching halt. It stopped on a dime. It’s amazing that Melania and I didn’t fall forward onto the sharp edges of these steel steps, face first.

that’s right, Melania came this close to a brush with the United Nations’ patented Whirling Blades of Death.

as we discussed yesterday, no one was ever in any danger — but by next week, Donny’s going to be telling us that his Slovenian rent-a-wife had to somersault past laser beams — which, by the way, is a thing she can do because of the ninja training she received, while also learning to speak five languages (none of them English).

you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny is screaming LOCK THEM UP!

The people that did it should be arrested!

Donny, are the people who should be arrested in the room with us right now? actually in this case, they are — because it was Donny’s own videographer who ran up the the damned thing backwards and tripped the motion detector that stopped the escalator.

so sure, let’s arrest this poor unfortunate soul. no, wait — mere arrest isn’t adequate punishment for the person who dared inconvenience Dear Leader for an entire thirty seconds. let’s go all-in. let’s draw and quarter them as a vivid warning to any future frisky videographers. don’t you dare trip no fucking motion sensors, pal.

so, to get back to the foreign diplomat’s question — yes, we can all see how embarrassing this is, that our president is a weak and small man who can’t just laugh off a common mishap that we’ve all experienced, and is driven by his increasing insanity to create a pathetic spectacle.

and, as always, the only thing you really need to know about EscalatorGate™ is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

any sane country would have 25th Amendmented the fuck out of Dear Leader before he’d even had a chance to finish that batshit speech — but we don’t live in a sane country.

we live in a country that has built an entire propaganda infrastructure just to keep a cranky toddler from melting down and throwing ketchup bottles.

Donny’s UN address was received in silence. no one said a word — they just looked on in stunned horror as the Mad King gibbered like a loon.

in order to keep Dear Leader from going ape-shit about it, one of Donny’s own sewer clowns, Energy Secretary Chris Wright, had to go on Fox News and explain to the Audience of One watching in the White House how everyone wanted to cheer, but they couldn’t — because were afraid to. yeah, that’s it. that’s a credible explanation.

“everyone was listening … I think a lot of the world, maybe weren’t brave enough to cheer like that during his speech.”

where have I heard this kind of gaslighting before? oh right —

so again, yes, Ambassador, we are all embarrassed that our president can’t face unpleasant news and has to be coddled like a colicky infant.

wouldn’t you love it if our own worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press were as honest as their foreign counterparts?

and yes, Ambassador, we’re all fucking embarrassed that our president is, as the Daily Mail puts it, a “deranged man-baby.”

there’s a new “Presidential Walk of Fame” in the White House — and you’ll be shocked to learn that it’s childish as fuck.

here’s what Margo Martin not-tweeted from her official White House account.

no, let’s not “wait for it,” let’s just skip ahead and reveal that Joe Biden’s presidential portrait has been replaced with a photo of an autopen.

ha ha ha ha ha ha! get it? get it? it’s because Joe Biden’s autopen actually ran the country! isn’t that a fucking knee-slapper? isn’t that the funniest thing ever?

what’s the word I’m groping for here, as the entire world bears witness to a president — nay, to an entire White House staff — this petty, childish and spiteful?

oh right: embarrassing.

but, as always, please keep in your mind these sacred words from the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

oh, and Mr. Ambassador?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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