SPOILER ALERT! I'm going to eviserate Battleship, so if you haven't seen it—and still want to—best to skip this post until after you've thrown your money away.
Remember, you've been warned.
OMG, where do I begin? Probably by saying that when I first remember seeing a preview (minus the whole alien invasion thing) for this piece of drek a year ago, I rightfully thought, "Seriously? They're making a movie from a fucking kid's game?" and I should've heeded my first instinct and avoided it like the plague. But when subsequent trailers appeared that showed the whole end-of-the-world-invasion-from-space aspect I thought, "Okay, let's give it the benefit of the doubt. It might be a fun little summer romp."
Ben had no desire to see it (smart man), so I went on my own this morning. I almost walked out, not once, but three times—and that was just within the first thirty minutes! Loser brother of successful Navy man goes after hot blond chick in a bar—who just happens to be the Admiral's daughter.
Of course.
Said loser brother ends up being forced to enlist in the Navy after he's arrested for breaking into a convenience store because the blond chick that he's trying to bed wants a chicken burrito. Then, after being in the service for some undetermined period of time, he's on the verge of being thrown out after getting in a fight with some Japanese guy at a sporting event. (Sorry, I was only half paying attention by this point and got up and went out to get something to drink; I figured I could easily afford to miss five minutes of storyline and not miss anything.)
Before he can actually be discharged however, the aliens arrive and obliterate all the other ships—except the one he's on—inside the Big Bubble of Protection® they throw up around their ships and the entire chain of Hawaiian islands.
Of course.
And it only gets worse from there.
It's never actually explained why the aliens came here after receiving a signal we specifically beamed in their direction, but I suspect it's because they just like to blow shit up, in the most 3D effecty way possible. They also apparently dislike freeways, helicopters, and battleships, but like ponies and chocolate ice cream.
Okay, I totally made that last part up.
But, like all aliens of the destroy humanity genre, they have one vital weakness.
Of course.
In this case, they have lizard eyes (of course they do) that don't like sunlight. Okay, let me get this straight: they came from a planet in the so-called "Goldilocks" zone (explained at length at the beginning of the film) that would supposedly have the same conditions as found on earth—but the sunlight makes their eyes hurt.
Seriously.
I could go on and on, but let's face it: I've already expended far more brainpower than was really warranted on this thing. And the worst part of it all (other than the prominent placement of Coke Zero in nearly every other scene)? It's the fact that while the aliens' attempt to use our technology to phone home after their device was destroyed upon arrival, the transmitters themselves weren't actually destroyed until AFTER the signal had been sent, leaving the whole thing open for an equally odoriferous sequel.
Of course.
Short version of the two hours of my life I'll never get back: Loser brother saves the world and gets the girl.
Redbox rental maybe if you're really bored, but not even worth a $5 matinee…
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