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Yesterday

Yesterday could’ve started out better.

I got to the office at my appointed 7:30 am arrival time. I logged into my email and was greeted by this:

From: training@tanium.com
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2022 7:40 AM
Subject: Tanium Training

Good morning,

There was a slight mix up with the start time for training today (daylight savings time for us, not for Arizona). Please join your MS Teams meeting as soon as you can.

Thank you, sorry for the confusion and have a wonderful training!

Emily Hathaway
Training Delivery Specialist
The Power of Certainty | Tanium

3550 Carillon Point, Kirkland WA 98033  

Join the Tanium Community | Privacy Policy

This mandatory day-long online training was scheduled to begin at 8:00 am. But because these idiots apparently don’t understand daylight savings time and screwed up, it actually started at 7. So I logged in 45 minutes late and was immediately lost.

I had no idea what this was actually for since the monotone trainer was droning on about how to encode searches for specific attributes in the inventory collection module. Perhaps if they’d actually started at 8 as was scheduled I would have heard more than “blah blah blah blah.”

As it stands now, this seemed to involve all sorts of functions I will never be called upon to use in my job function.

By the time we got to the point in the training where we were supposed to begin the hands-on labs (none of which worked for me, of course), I was firmly of the belief that my organization’s decision to abandon SCCM in favor of this piece of crap was definitely the result of one of those “hookers and blow” sales presentations and had very little to do with anyone actually thinking about why this would be a good thing.

I lasted another 30 minutes before giving up completely. Nothing was working and I was rapidly reaching my saturation point for this guy’s voice. I downloaded the offline training materials intending to do this later and said fuck it. I’ll deal with the repercussions of having bailed on this total waste of time if I need to—especially since it was the training company who fucked up and not me.

And then…then—after bailing—several hours later, I got this email:

From: Tanium Learning Center
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2022 1:57 PM
Subject: Tanium Training Complete (Survey & Certificate)

Mark,

Thank you for attending the Getting Started with Tanium training course. We hope the information and labs were informative and helpful.

          • Training Survey: Please provide any feedback, and help us improve our offerings by answering this short Training Survey [surveymonkey.com].
          • Certificate of Completion: Your certificate of completion for this course is available at https://learn.tanium.com [learn.tanium.com] under ‘My Transcript’.

        Congratulations!

        Tanium Technical Enablement

        Note: This is a system generated message. Please do not reply to this email. If you have any questions, reach out to training@tanium.com.

My certificate of completion?! Seriously?! But honestly, why does none of this surprise me?

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Hey Daddy…

If I had a teacher in high school who looked like this I guarantee I would’ve spent way too much “alone time” in the bathroom.

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But Will We?

Humans for the most part are a reactive species, not a proactive one.

Humans make no changes until circumstances absolutely demand it. Conservatives are especially reactive, not making any changes to improve humanity until the rest of us drag them, kicking and screaming, into the future. And since conservatives are currently holding a stranglehold on progress in this country [fuck Manchin and Sinema with rusty railroad spikes], in the case of getting off fossil fuels, I fear that won’t happen until Florida and most of our coastal cities find themselves underwater.

I hold even less hope for universal healthcare. If the pandemic and the death of nearly a million Americans—apparently a good portion of which were Trump-loving conservatives—didn’t force them to do the right thing, nothing will.

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“Pro Life”

The Republican wet dream. If this somehow passes, you think they’re gonna stop at Texas? Or stop at women who have abortions?

Next up: existing while Gay. Existing while Trans. Existing while Black. Existing while Democrat. And once they’re finished there they’ll turn on their own with purity tests.

We’ve seen this movie before. It doesn’t end well.