Readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by
circumcised men.
17. Arbitrator, n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
18. Bernadette, v.The act of torching a mortgage.
19. Burglarize, n. What a crook sees through.
20. Left Bank, v. What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
21. Heroes, n. What a man in a boat does
22. Parasites, n. What you see from the Eiffel Tower
23. Paradox, n. Two physicians
24. Pharmacist, v. To help on a farm
25. Polarize, n. What penguins see through
26. Primate, v. To remove your spouse from in front of the TV
27. Relief, v. What trees do in the spring
28. Rubberneck, v. What you do to relax your wife
29. Selfish, v. What the owner of a seafood store does
30. Sudafed, v. Brought litigation against a government official
31. Paradigms, n. Twenty Cents
32. Avoidable, n. What a bullfighter tries to do
33. Eyedropper, n. A clumsy ophthalmologist.
34. Control, n. A short, ugly inmate.
35. Counterfeiters, n. Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
36. Eclipse, v. What an English barber does for a living.