"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid." "OK, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the doc soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him.""But Doc, I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptom she has." "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too." "Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
Sharon: How can you sit and eat some damn legs off a crab? How would you feel if someone cracked your legs open and ate your insides?!
Jasmine: I mean, it has happened before and it isn't that bad!
Me: Donates my body to science.
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill.
Bumper sticker…
If Jesus had a gun,
he'd still be alive today.
If someone says it's raining and another person says it's dry, it's not your job to quote them both. Your job is to look out the window and find out which one is true.
A man gets pulled over for speeding. As the cop approaches the car the man asks if he can get out of the car. The cop says OK then asks the man why he was speeding.
The man says, "You see the two women sitting in the car? The one in the front is my wife. The one in the back is my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law has been living with us for 3 months. This morning the two of them had a big fight and my mother-in-law insisted we take her home. I'm trying to get her there as fast as I can before they make up.
The cop says, "Get back in your car. I'll give you a police escort".
Agnorant: A person who is extremely ignorant yet simultaneously extremely arrogant.
My friend got a degree in Egyptology but he can't get a job. So he's getting a Ph.D. so he can teach other people egyptology. It's literally a pyramid scheme.
Last night, my 3-year-old kicked me during a tantrum. As I tucked him in bed later, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me closer and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster!
If you still think there's such a thing as perfect parenting, just know that I'm a pediatrician and parenting author and my toddler is eating strawberries dipped in ketchup for dinner tonight.
My kid just referred to the newspaper as "the floppy iPad".
My 4yo son approached me with a very solemn expression.
"Dad, why did you let the dinosaurs die?"
I was walking in the park and a little kid came barreling down the path on a bike, with his 10-year-old brother screaming, "Don't crash into the old lady! Watch out for the old lady!"
I looked around to see where the imperiled old lady was and realized he meant me. I was 29.
You can't change the people around you,
but you can change the people around you.
A drunk took a shortcut through the cemetery at night and fell into an open grave ready for the morning. Wet weather made the sides of the grave slippery, so he settled into a corner for the night.
Another guy fell in a few minutes later and tried climbing out. The first guy watched until the guy seemed to give up and then spoke from the shadows. "You'll never get out of here like that."
He did!
Where's your husband?
In the garden.
I didn't see him.
You have to dig a little.
A lion would never play golf.
But A Tiger Wood.
When one door closes and another door opens, you're probably in prison.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
I love that 'take out' means food, dating, and murder.
And if you're a praying mantis, it can be all three at once.
When it's just a couple of weeks into 2022 and no world-ending events have happened…
"It's quiet. Too quiet".
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.
It doesn't.
It just shits on the floor.
A: "A, B. C D E D B D ducks?"
B: "M R N ducks, A. M R chick Ns!"
2 duck hunters:
M R ducks.
M R not ducks.
O S A R. C M wangs?
L I B. M R ducks.
In Canada, friends with benefits means a neighbor with a snowblower.
Dear Jim Jordan,
Why are you so scared? Liz Cheney just asked you to answer some questions. It's not like she asked you to go hunting with her dad.
My ex-wife texted me, "Wish you were here."
She does this every time she walks through a cemetery.
If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you are waiting for one to be free, switch off the wifi.
I guess we should retire the expression "avoid it like the plague" given how little effort people put into avoiding the actual plague.
Q: What was your most embarrassing sex moment?
A: Our grandma walked in on us.
OUR?!!!!
Domestic goddess implies the existence of domestic demoness.
Daddy, I'm afraid of Zombies.
– Zombies aren't real. They're just people with makeup.
Just like mommy?
– Yep, just like your mom.
When she tried to sing she sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
Her eyes twinkled like the mustache of a man with a cold.
She was like a magnet, attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
Brianna said: Scheduling my booster for Feb 14th so that way at least someone is sticking something in me this Valentines' Day.
Anybody needing gas? You'd better get over here quick before they realize that the pump is messed up. Only $1.00 a gallon. I filled up my car for $20! It's pump number 2 at the station on the corner of … See more
To measure puns properly, use a sighsmograph.
The adjective for metal is metallic.
But not so for iron… which is ironic.
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